Pilot Episode
Sam: Leave me alone, Alan.
Alan: I’m sorry, I don’t speak geek. I always wanted to know what it’d be like to fight a girl.
Lindsay (Linda Cardellini): I’m a girl. Wanna see what it’d be like to fight me?
Alan: Weir’s sister has to protect him?
Lindsay: I’m not protecting him. I’m just trying to figure why it is you need to pick fights with guys who weigh less than 100 pounds.
Watch out, Alan. I think she’s high on pot.
Lindsay: Yeah. I might just go psycho. Wanna try me?
Alan: You’re dead, alright? As soon as your freak sister isn’t around I’m gonna cream you, man.
Sam: You know you really didn’t need to do that. I could have handled it.
Lindsay: Yeah, I know.
Sam: And by the way, I weigh 103 pounds. He walks off.
Lindsay: Sorry! to herself: Man. I hate high school.
Jean Weir (Becky Ann Baker): You know, I ran into Mrs. Patten today at Farmer Jack. And she said that she saw you smoking.
Lindsay: Well she’s crazy. Mom, I can’t believe you. You seriously think I would start smoking?
Harold Weir (Joe Flaherty): You know, I had a friend that used to smoke. You know what he’s doing now? He’s dead!
Lindsay: Daddy, if I started smoking I would tell you.
Mr. Weir: Oh. Good. Now I don’t have to worry.
Sam: Hey Dad, guess what? They’re showing Monty Python and the Holy Grail at the Parkway Saturday night. Neal, Bill and I are gonna watch it twice in a row.
Mrs. Weir: Sam, isn’t the Homecoming Dance Saturday night?
Sam: Yeah.
Mrs. Weir: Are you going?
Sam: No. Why would I do that?
Mrs. Weir: Well your sister’s going.
Lindsay: No I’m not.
Mrs. Weir: Alright, kids. HIgh school is for learning but it’s also where you should be learning to socialize. That’s what high school dances are all about.
Lindsay: No they’re not. It’s a chance for popular kids to experiment with sex in their cars.
Mrs. Weir: Lindsay!
Mr. Weir: Hey!
Lindsay: I mean, if that’s what you want me to do then I’d be happy to go.
Mr. Weir: You know, there was a girl in our school, she had premarital sex. You know what she did on graduation day? Died! Of an overdose. Heroin.
Daniel: You guys know Lindsay?
Lindsay: Hi.
Nick: You were in my english class last year, right? You were the chick that got an A.
Lindsay: Yeah, well. What are you gonna do?
Ken: I don’t know. What are you gonna do?
Jeff Rosso (Dave “Gruber” Alan): So what’s going on here?
Lindsay: All I… I was trying to do something nice in a stupid school where nothing nice ever happens. But instead Eli broke his arm. Now I feel like the biggest idiot in the world.
Mr. Rosso: No. Why aren’t you taking part in the Academic Decathlon?
Lindsay: What?
Mr. Rosso: We need you! You’re our best mathlete.
Lindsay: Oh god. Please don’t say that.
Nick: Hey are you okay?
Lindsay: Is it just me or does the whole world suck?
Nick: You need to find your reason for living. You gotta find your big, gigantic drumkit. You know?
Lindsay: Maybe I’ll buy a clarinet.
Mr. Weir: You know who used to cut class? Jimi Hendrix. You know what happened to him? He died! Choking on his own vomit.
Lindsay: Daddy, I skipped Latin.
Mr. Weir: Oh. Well I can understand why you wouldn’t want to learn about that. It’s only the building block of our language.
Mrs. Weir: Well I’m just glad your Grandmother wasn’t alive to hear about this.
Mr. Weir: You can’t cut corners in life! You know who cut corners? Kennedy! Kennedy cut corners when he was running the Bay of Pigs. A lot of good men lost their lives because of it. You know who else cut corners? Janis Joplin.
Lindsay: Dad! What are you talking about?! You don’t make any sense. I just cut class and guess what? Everybody’s still alive. Just leave me alone!
Sam: Can I come in? Do you think that me, Neal and Bill could beat up Alan?
Lindsay: Just Alan? Yeah. Alan and his buddies. No to maybe.
Sam: That’s what I thought. Um, why are you throwing your life away?
Lindsay: Did Dad tell you to ask me that?
Sam: No. Millie did.
Lindsay: Figures. Forget it. You know, tell her to mind her own business.
Sam: You know just because she asked me to ask you doesn’t mean I was going to tell her what you said.
Lindsay: Sam. Did Mom and Dad tell you I was the only one with Grandma when she died?
Sam: No.
Lindsay: Yeah. They went down to the cafeteria to get some coffee. And all the sudden Grandma looked so terrified. I didn’t know what to do. She grabbed my hand, told me she didn’t want to go. She looked so scared, Sam. I said, Well, you know, can you see God or Heaven or a light or anything?
Sam: What did she say?
Lindsay: “No. There’s nothing.” She was a good person all her life and that’s what she got.
Sam: So… you do think that we could beat up Alan?
Lindsay: Yeah. He’s a goner.
Beers and Weirs
Mr. Weir (Joe Flaherty): You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience.
Mrs. Weir: Oh, that’s terrible.
Mr. Weir: Yep, that’s what I want to do. Spend my hard-earned money to be spit on. Now that’s entertainment.
Lindsay: Oh come on, Dad. Every generation is afraid of the music that comes from the next. I’m sure your parents hated Elvis.
Mr. Weir: Elvis didn’t expectorate on his fans.
Sam: No. But he died on the toilet.
Mr. Weir: Well, that’s paradise compared to where those Sex Pistols are gonna end up.
Lindsay: What’s the matter?
Nick: John Bonham died.
Lindsay: Yeah. I know. Last week.
Nick: He’s dead. You know? It’s like he’s dead. And as a result there’s no more Led Zeppelin.
Lindsay: Well why don’t they just get a new drummer?
Nick: Are you— ? Just forget it.
Daniel: I love being told not to drink by a pot-head hippie guidance counselor.
Lindsay: There’s probably a bar in the teacher’s lounge.
Lindsay: So? What do you think?
Ken: What do you think we are? Hippies?
Neal: Sometimes it helps to talk to someone.
Lindsay: I’m too drunk to talk!
Neal: No, that’s okay. I speak drunk.
Lindsay: All my new friends think I’m some goody two shoes and all my old friends think I’m throwing my life away. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Bill is passed out drunk on the floor
Lindsay: Hey, Bill. Get up. That’s how that drummer from Led Zeppelin died.
Tricks and Treats
Millie: You want some Lik-m-aid?
Lindsay: No—. You eat candy now? Millie, it’s 7:30 in the morning.
Millie: It’s just Lik-m-aid. It makes my spit taste like fruit juice.
Mr. Rosso: Hey! If it isn’t the Amelia Earhart of McKinley High.
Lindsay: What does that mean?
Mr. Rosso: Well, you head to class but you never seem to get there.
Lindsay: Mr. Rosso, could you not humiliate me in front of the whole school?
Mr. Rosso: Come on. Lindsay. Don’t turn me into the man here. I’m just trying to help you.
Lindsay: Hey! I’m going out with you guys tomorrow night.
Nick: Hey that’s great.
Daniel: Yeah but what about your mom? How’s she going to hand out candy all by herself?
Lindsay: Well. She’ll survive.
Daniel: Well well well.
Lindsay: Oh my god. We just egged my little brother.
Mrs. Weir: The world is such a different place then the one I grew up in. Everything just seems so much meaner these days.
Lindsay: Mom, kids didn’t throw eggs when you were in school?
Mrs. Weir: I don’t know. I guess so. I just know I never did.
Sam: Nobody thinks you’re cool, you know.
Lindsay: Trust me, I know.
Kim Kelly Is My Friend
Nick: You gonna sit over here now?
Lindsay: I just don’t feel like being abused today. I mean, I give up, you know? I go out of my way to be nice to her but it’s like—argh—no matter what I do, you know?
Millie: I heard about what she does in yearbook darkroom.
Lindsay: What she does? What? I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Millie: She does it.
Lindsay: What do you mean, “it”?
Millie: She fornicates it, okay?
Lindsay: I doubt it. And so what if does?
Millie: I just think it’s sad.
Lindsay: We can’t all be Girl Scouts, Millie.
Kim: Do you want to come over to my house for dinner?
Lindsay: Did Nick say something to you?
Kim: What do you mean?
Lindsay: Did Nick tell you to be nice to me?
Kim: Well, yeah. You know, I just figured since we have to see each other anyways all the time we may as well try to get along. So do you want to come over to my house or not?
Lindsay: I don’t know.
Mrs. Weir: Who’s Kim Kelly?
Lindsay: She’s just a friend.
Mrs. Weir: New friend? What’s she like?
Lindsay: I don’t know. She’s just a girl.
Sam: Kim Kelly’s a psycho. She and Karen Scarfolli, they’re violent. They run around the school being evil.
Mrs. Weir: That doesn’t sound very nice.
Sam: Why are you friends with Kim Kelly?
Lindsay: Don’t talk to me, okay.
Sam: Kim Kelly’s my enemy.
Lindsay: Look, if you’re going to start being a tattletale and trying to get me into trouble then maybe you should go to a different high school. I don’t need some spy reporting on my every move.
Sam: I just don’t know why you have to hang around her.
Lindsay: Why not?
Sam: Well because she and her friends are mean to me. They wrote geek on my locker.
Lindsay: Well maybe you are a geek. I’m just kidding.
Kim: My aunt Kathy was so rad. She lived in LA. She was on Kojak. She doinked Ryan O’Neal once at a party.
Lindsay: Wow. She sounds awesome.
Kim: Yeah well she’s dead. She OD’ed on coke.
Kim: So you see there’s a lot riding on this dinner. I can’t lose my car. Do you get it?
Lindsay: I don’t know if I do.
Nick: Hey, uh, hey Lindsay. How’s it going?
Lindsay: How’s it going? It’s going bad.
Tests and Breasts
Lindsay: You’re manipulating me.
Daniel: What?
Lindsay: You’re manipulating me.
Daniel: No I’m not.
Lindsay: Yes you are. And you know it’s really hard to say no to you, but I have to.
I’m with the Band
Lindsay: I bet you guys are really good.
Sean: I don’t think so.
Lindsay: Do you guys have a name?
Nick: Yeah. Creation.
Daniel: No, we don’t have a name.
Lindsay: You know, I didn’t break up the band. I just wanted to help Nick.
Daniel: He doesn’t need any help.
Lindsay: How can you say that? If he doesn’t make it as a drummer then he has to go into the Army.
Daniel: What? He’s not going to make it as a drummer. So why don’t you just let him have some fun before he has to ship off.
Kim: I heard that you jumped him.
Lindsay: What?
Kim: Don’t act innocent, Lindsay. I know you’re a slut.
Carded and Discarded
Mr. Weir: I was visiting Mr. Pries at his store today, and he was selling a game that my family and I used to play as a kid. every Friday night. Pit.
Lindsay: Pit?
Mr. Weir: Pit.
Sam: Sounds like fun.
Mr. Weir: It is. It’s a stock trading game. See, we all yell across the table at each other and try to get the other players to trade stocks with us.
Lindsay: So we all sit around the table and you yell at us?
Sam: You do that to us every night.
Mr. Rosso: I’ve got some brochures from some Ivy League schools. Several are in color.
Lindsay: Mr. Rosso, why can’t you just leave me alone?
Mr. Rosso: Because it’s my job. I’m a guidance counselor. I’m trying to guide you.
Lindsay: Well, guide someone else.
Mr. Rosso: I heard the words but your eyes said something else. They said, “I’m lost. I need your help. Don’t listen to me. Guide me.”
Lindsay: I don’t need your help.
Mr. Rosso: Okay. Tell you what, why don’t I just come and visit you then in the prison, where you’ll be living, and give you some really good advice. Like, you know, should you get shanked in the yard or the dining hall. When you have your baby, which prison guard should take care of it. That kind of thing. That’d be a great way to do my job. Don’t you think?
Lindsay: Only time will tell. See you on the prison yard.
Girlfriends and Boyfriends
Mr. Rosso: So… I understand you and Nick Andopolis are getting pretty tight. How’s that going?
Lindsay: Mr. Rosso, Nick and I are just friends. That’s all.
Mr. Rosso: Hey, no need to explain anything to me. I got it on in a van at Woodstock so I’m not judging anybody.
Mr. Rosso: You’ve got to be careful these days.
Lindsay: Yeah, I know. I know.
Mr. Rosso: Do you? I thought I knew to. Until one night I was checking out this discotheque, the one in the bowling alley on 15 Mile. I met this girl, she seemed really nice. We danced a bit, I kissed her. One thing lead to another. And now I get sores on my lip once a month. I have herpes. It doesn’t hurt that much but believe me, you don’t want it.
Lindsay: Can I please go now?
Mr. Rosso: I just blew your mind, didn’t I?
Daniel: Hey. Check it out. Donkey basketball Saturday. I love those things.
Lindsay: I think they’re mean.
Kim: Oh, yeah. Like the donkeys even give a care.
Lindsay: Well how’d you like some big fat teacher on your back while you run around a gym.
Daniel: Yeah, how did your date with Fredricks go?
Nick: See Lindsay? We were made for each other.
Lindsay: You… want to make out or something?
Nick: No. All guys want to make out. But I just want to hold you. {he lays her down slowly onto the bed} What’s better than this?
We’ve Got Spirit
Nick: Hey Lindsay, do you ever think about heavy stuff?
Lindsay: Heavy stuff?
Nick: Like death or the meaning of life.
Lindsay: Well yeah. My grandmother died I was pretty depressed. I took it pretty hard—
Nick: Yeah yeah. I knew that you were like me. I can’t even talk to those other guys. Ken and Daniel? They’re jokers. They don’t think about the meaning of life and they don’t think about why we’re here and they don’t think about the point of it all. They don’t, they don’t think about the point of it all.
Lindsay: Are you stoned?
Kim: The last time Nick got dumped he kinda went a little berserk.
Lindsay: You mean Heidi Henderson?
Kim: He told you about that? No. What happened?
Lindsay: No. Nothing. I mean I don’t even know really.
Mrs. Weir: Didn’t you talk to Nick this morning?
Lindsay: Why? What’d you say to him?
Mrs. Weir: Well I was just trying to be nice and, uh…
Lindsay: Mom, did you just break up with my boyfriend?
The Diary
Lindsay: This is cool. Hitchhiking. It’s like in Kerouac, you know?
Kim: Kerouac?
Lindsay: Jack Kerouac. He wrote On the Road. Kim we’ve been reading it in English class the last two weeks. Where you been?
Kim: All we ever do in that class is read. Ooh ooh ooh! Stick out your thumb, wouldja?
Lindsay: We’re so sheltered, you know? There’s this whole other America out there. The person who picks us up could be an artist or a psychic or an escaped felon. It’s so exciting.
Kim: Okay, one thing that helps: point your boobs towards the road.
Kim: Oh my god! Lindsay, your parents are swingers.
Lindsay: Oh.
Looks and Books
Mr. Weir: I could call the police. Do you know that? I could call the police and report this as grand theft auto. I can send my own daughter to you. You know that?
Lindsay: I’m so sorry, Daddy.
Mr. Weir: You know what? I don’t think I believe anything you say anymore. Why should I? You’re grounded. I can’t even tell you for how long.
Lindsay: I’m sick of you guys getting me in trouble all the time. I’m sick of you guys period.
Daniel: Maybe you’re just on your period.
Lindsay: Yeah, Daniel. That’s exactly it. I’m on my period. You figured it out.
Daniel: It was a joke.
Lindsay: Oh. Sorry. It’s hard to pick up on the subtlety of your wit.
Millie: You think Mr. Kowchevski will move you to first block?
Lindsay: He better. If I’m going to be on he Mathletes I’m going to be number one or else I’m not going to do it.
Mrs. Weir: Lindsay, you’ve been studying non-stop. Why don’t you take a little break.
Lindsay: Mom! I can’t. Not if I want to win.
Mrs. Weir: Lindsay, there is more to life than competition.
Lindsay: Not if you want to wipe out Shelley Weaver.
Mrs. Weir: Ah. Is she from Lincoln?
Lindsay: No. She’s on our team.
Mrs. Weir: Hey Lindsay, are you having fun?
Lindsay: Yeah. Of course I am.
The Garage Door
Lindsay: Hey, at least she knows how to play an instrument.
Ken: That’s not playing an instrument. That’s like blowing into a toilet.
Lindsay: Sounds better than your singing.
Ken: Lindsay, here’s an idea: how about you break up our band so you can make out with Nick.
Lindsay: I’m not going to want him back.
Kim: Alright. Yeah. Sure. Just don’t lead him on, okay? ‘Cause he’s obviously still in love with you.
Lindsay: No he’s not. Nick is the one who broke up with me, remember?
Kim: Oh yeah Lindsay. Like that fooled anybody. Come on!
Lindsay: Are you going to be nice to her? ‘Cause I’m not going to do it if you’re going to be a jerk.
Ken: Of course I’ll be nice to her. I’ll be an angel.
Lindsay: Forget it.
Ken: Lindsay! I’m serious.
Lindsay: Okay.
Ken: Do you think that there’s any chance that this might actually happen?
Lindsay: Oh my god!
Ken: What?
Lindsay: You really like her, don’t you?
Ken: I feel odd.
Chokin’ and Tokin’
Lindsay: I don’t smoke pot.
Nick: Come on, what’s the big deal? It’s from the earth, it’s natural. Why would it be there if we weren’t supposed to smoke it?
Lindsay: Dog crap is here and we don’t smoke that.
Millie: You’re high!
Lindsay: What?
Millie: You’re on the pot!
Lindsay: How could you tell?
Millie: I’m not dumb, Lindsay. I know what high people look like. I went to a Seals and Crofts concert last summer.
Millie: I’ll go with you, but only for the safety of the child.
Lindsay: Thank you, Millie.
Millie: No. Thank your dealer.
Lindsay: We’re all unhappy. That’s the thing about life, Millie. That’s the horrible thing about life.
Millie: I’m not unhappy.
Lindsay: Yes you are. We all are.
Millie: Well, not like you guys.
Lindsay: Why not?
Millie: Because. I know God’s taking care of me.
Lindsay: I don’t believe in God.
Millie: I know. That’s why you’re unhappy. That’s why you’re stoned.
Lindsay: I love you Millie. Why aren’t we friends anymore?
Millie: I thought we were friends.
Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers
Lindsay: Are you copying Ken’s homework?
Kim: Trying to. He writes like a mental patient.
Noshing and Moshing
.
Smooching and Mooching
!
The Little Things
Disco and Dragons
Lindsay: I don’t know. Rosso’s okay. And why would you want to ruin a mailbox?
Ken: I don’t know. We gotta blow up something.