Pilot Episode
Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel): Hey, I believe in God, man. I’ve seen him, I’ve felt his power. He plays drums for Led Zeppelin and his name is John Bonham, baby!
Daniel: You guys know Lindsay?
Lindsay: Hi.
Nick: You were in my english class last year, right? You were the chick that got an A.
Lindsay: Yeah, well. What are you gonna do?
Ken: I don’t know. What are you gonna do?
Nick about going to Homecoming: I’d rather make out with Principal Barber.
Daniel: Again?
Nick: Shut up, man.
Nick: Hey are you okay?
Lindsay: Is it just me or does the whole world suck?
Nick: You need to find your reason for living. You gotta find your big, gigantic drumkit. You know?
Lindsay: Maybe I’ll buy a clarinet.
Beers and Weirs
Lindsay: What’s the matter?
Nick: John Bonham died.
Lindsay: Yeah. I know. Last week.
Nick: He’s dead. You know? It’s like he’s dead. And as a result there’s no more Led Zeppelin.
Lindsay: Well why don’t they just get a new drummer?
Nick: Are you— ? Just forget it.
Nick: Hey does anybody wanna come see The Wall with me on Saturday night? Thought I might try an experiment—see it straight once.
Ken: Don’t do it! You’ll regret it, man. Trust me.
Tricks and Treats
Nick: Hey, at least she’s being nice! Just because you hate your mother doesn’t mean everybody else does.
Daniel: No, everybody hates her mother.
Nick: So hold on a second. So they’re called Santana, right? But that guy who’s singing is not Santana.
Daniel: No. Santana’s the guitar player.
Nick: Then how did he get them to name the band after him?
Daniel: I don’t know, man. Maybe he’s just a bad ass.
Nick: If that’s true then that’s… amazing.
Daniel: Hey, maybe we should name our band Desario.
Kim Kelly Is My Friend
Nick: You gonna sit over here now?
Lindsay: I just don’t feel like being abused today. I mean, I give up, you know? I go out of my way to be nice to her but it’s like—argh—no matter what I do, you know?
Nick: Hey, uh, hey Lindsay. How’s it going?
Lindsay: How’s it going? It’s going bad.
Nick: Lindsay turned out great. She’s so great. So, um, congratulations.
Mr. Weir: Thanks.
Tests and Breasts
.
I’m with the Band
Lindsay: I bet you guys are really good.
Sean: I don’t think so.
Lindsay: Do you guys have a name?
Nick: Yeah. Creation.
Daniel: No, we don’t have a name.
Nick: Dad? I really think that I could make it as a drummer.
Mr. Andopolis: Nick. I really thought that I could walk on the moon.
Daniel: I wrote out some Iggy Pop and Ramones songs.
Nick: The Ramones? The Ramones only play like three chords, man.
Daniel: Alright, so I’ll learn another one.
Carded and Discarded
Daniel: Oh my god.
Kim: That was brutal.
Ken: I’ve never hated Alice Cooper as much as I do right now.
Nick: Guys, Mr. Rosso’s really good at the guitar. Some of those chords are hard.
Daniel: So are you guys like a couple now?
Nick: We’re not really into labelling things, you know? We have a more mature relationship than that. Let’s just say we have an understanding.
Ken: Well I’m glad you have an understanding. ‘Cause I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
Toby (Kevin Corrigan): Don’t play with that rooster. Don’t play with that rooster. That’s not a nice petty pet pet rooster.
Nick: Sorry.
Toby: No, you’re the only who’ll be sorry. Very dangerous.
Girlfriends and Boyfriends
Nick: See Lindsay? We were made for each other.
Lindsay: You… want to make out or something?
Nick: No. All guys want to make out. But I just want to hold you. {he lays her down slowly onto the bed} What’s better than this?
We’ve Got Spirit
Nick: Hey Lindsay, do you ever think about heavy stuff?
Lindsay: Heavy stuff?
Nick: Like death or the meaning of life.
Lindsay: Well yeah. My grandmother died I was pretty depressed. I took it pretty hard—
Nick: Yeah yeah. I knew that you were like me. I can’t even talk to those other guys. Ken and Daniel? They’re jokers. Lindsay: They don’t think about the meaning of life and they don’t think about why we’re here and they don’t think about the point of it all. They don’t, they don’t think about the point of it all.
Lindsay: Are you stoned?
Nick: A little bit. You wanna smoke?
Lindsay: No thanks.
Mrs. Weir: How you holdin’ up?
Nick: Okay.
Mrs. Weir: I am so sorry about everything. You know, Lindsay really does care about you. She told me so last night. She just feels overwhelmed right now. She needs her space, you know.
Nick: Is that what she said?
Mrs. Weir: Uh, didn’t— didn’t Lindsay talk to you?
Nick: Yeah, she talked to me.
The Diary
Looks and Books
Nick: You guys, I’m telling you. It’s not about the accident. Lindsay’s depressed that I broke up with her. She’s gotta get over it, you know?
Kim: Yeah Nick. Sure.
The Garage Door
Daniel: Nick, you want Lindsay back, you gotta give her the cold shoulder.
Nick: I don’t know, man. It doesn’t seem right.
Daniel: Trust me! Don’t call her house, don’t write her notes, and don’t sing to her. Geez, man. We don’t even want to be friends with you after hearing about that one.
Ken: Yeah, Nick. We need our space.
Chokin’ and Tokin’
Nick: You know, I always noticed that the day after we have Salisbury Steak, we always have hamburgers. But then the day after that we always have meatball heroes. And a few days after that we have meatloaf. So is it the same meat? Are you guys recycling the meat?
Lunchlady: It’s different meat.
Nick: I guess you would have to say that, right? I’ll have the salad.
Lunchlady: Excellent choice, sir.
Daniel: Some Salisbury dog meat for us, please.
Nick: Do you guys have any pot?
Daniel: No.
Ken: The cupboard is bare, man.
Nick: Yeah? I’m running out really quick. I’ve been rationing all week. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Daniel: Um. Not be stoned?
Lindsay: I don’t smoke pot.
Nick: Come on, what’s the big deal? It’s from the earth, it’s natural. Why would it be there if we weren’t supposed to smoke it?
Lindsay: Dog crap is here and we don’t smoke that.
Nick: What do people do when they’re not stoned?
Ken: I don’t know. Relate to one another.
Daniel: I don’t wanna relate to anybody.
Nick: I wanna relate to Lindsay.
Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers
.
Noshing and Moshing
.
Smooching and Mooching
Nick: Those drums were my personal property.
Mr. Andopolis (Kevin Tighe): Your only personal property is your future.
Nick: Maybe the drums were my future. Why don’t you think about that.
Mr. Andopolis: End of conversation.
Nick: Hey Mr. Weir. Is Lindsay home?
Mr. Weir: She’s eating dinner.
Nick: Oh. Yeah, I can tell. God it smells really great in there. Let me guess. Meat?
Mr. Weir: Congratulations.
Harold Weir: By the way, that drummer you’re listening to?
Nick: Yeah.
Mr. Weir: He’s terrible.
Nick: That’s Neil Peart. He’s the greatest drummer alive.
Mr. Weir: Neil Peart couldn’t drum his way out of a paper bag!
The Little Things
Ken: What, are the Blues Brothers doing a show in town tonight?
Daniel: No. George Bush is coming to speak to the school.
Nick: The porn star?
Ken: The vice president of the United States of America. George Bush.
Disco and Dragons
.