Pilot Episode
Alan White: Sam Weir. You really like Bill Murray, don’t you?
Sam Weir (John Francis Daley): Yeah, he’s great.
Alan: Bill Murray sucks, man.
Sam: No he doesn’t. He’s cool.
Alan: Oh really? What is he, your boyfriend? Sam Queer. It’s fighting time, Weir.
Sam: Leave me alone, Alan.
Alan: I’m sorry, I don’t speak geek. I always wanted to know what it’d be like to fight a girl.
Lindsay (Linda Cardellini): I’m a girl. Wanna see what it’d be like to fight me?
Alan: Weir’s sister has to protect him?
Lindsay: I’m not protecting him. I’m just trying to figure why it is you need to pick fights with guys who weigh less than 100 pounds.
Watch out, Alan. I think she’s high on pot.
Lindsay: Yeah. I might just go psycho. Wanna try me?
Alan: You’re dead, alright? As soon as your freak sister isn’t around I’m gonna cream you, man.
Sam: You know you really didn’t need to do that. I could have handled it.
Lindsay: Yeah, I know.
Sam: And by the way, I weigh 103 pounds. He walks off.
Lindsay:Sorry! Man. I hate high school.
Sam: Hey Dad, guess what? They’re showing Monty Python and the Holy Grail at the Parkway Saturday night. Neal, Bill and I are gonna watch it twice in a row.
Mrs. Weir: Sam, isn’t the Homecoming Dance Saturday night?
Sam: Yeah.
Mrs. Weir: Are you going?
Sam: No. Why would I do that?
Sam: Why does my mom always put a note in my lunch? It’s so embarrassing.
Bill: At least your mom doesn’t write the note on the bag.
Sam: You really think Cindy likes me?
Bill: Hello. The jacket.
Neal: No way. We’re not her species.
Sam: Listen, just do me a favor. Ask around, see if she has a date for the dance.
Bill: Who should I ask?
Neal: Okay. The dance is tomorrow. She’s a cheerleader. You’ve seen Star Wars 27 times. You do the math.
Neal: How come your sister’s been acting so weird?
Sam: What do you mean?
Neal: She’s been wearing your dad’s army jacket.
Sam: She’s been acting weird since our grandma died.
Sam: Can I come in? Do you think that me, Neal and Bill could beat up Alan?
Lindsay: Just Alan? Yeah. Alan and his buddies. No to maybe.
Sam: That’s what I thought. Um, why are you throwing your life away?
Lindsay: Did Dad tell you to ask me that?
Sam: No. Millie did.
Lindsay: Figures. Forget it. You know, tell her to mind her own business.
Sam: You know just because she asked me to ask you doesn’t mean I was going to tell her what you said..
Beers and Weirs
Mrs. Weir: Hey Lindsay, how’d you like to go buy some new clothes at the mall? Those old jeans are looking pretty ragged.
Lindsay: No thanks, Mom. I like my jeans
Sam: Dad’s the one who could use some pants.
Mr. Weir: Who am I trying to impress? When it’s your house you can wear a tuxedo to breakfast.
Mr. Weir (Joe Flaherty): You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience.
Mrs. Weir: Oh, that’s terrible.
Mr. Weir: Yep, that’s what I want to do. Spend my hard-earned money to be spit on. Now that’s entertainment.
Lindsay: Oh come on, Dad. Every generation is afraid of the music that comes from the next. I’m sure your parents hated Elvis.
Mr. Weir: Elvis didn’t expectorate on his fans.
Sam: No. But he died on the toilet.
Mr. Weir: Well, that’s paradise compared to where those Sex Pistols are gonna end up.
Sam: What’s non-alcoholic beer?
Bill: It’s just like beer but it doesn’t have that ingredient that makes you drunk.
Neal: Alcohol?
Bill: Yeah.
Sam Weir: Keg of beer, please.
Liquor Store Clerk: Don’t see that happenin’.
Sam to Lindsay: Friday night. Always a good night for some Sabbath. pause ‘Cause, you know… Friday… is the Sabbath… for the Jews.
Neal: What do you think’s gonna happen?
Sam: Well hopefully everyone will drink a lot of fake beer, have to pee a lot, and go home because they’re bored.
Neal: This is genius.
Bill: It’s my idea. I’m the genius.
Sam: Hi Ken.
Ken: Hey.
Sam: Do you guys like my sister?
Ken: Sure.
Sam: Then can you make sure she doesn’t get into too much trouble?
Ken: Sure.
Sam: Thanks.
Ken: Which one’s your sister? She’s not that chick singing, is she?
Sam: Why did Neal invite her? Now she’s going to see all the dumb stuff in my house.
Bill: His plan is to distract you so he can hit on your sister.
Sam: Oh man! I’m so dead. What am I going to say to Cindy?
Bill: Don’t say anything.
Be dominant. It’s all— all about dominance. I saw this monkey show on PBS, you talk to her first it’s a sign of weakness. And she will not pick you to be her mate?
Sam: Are you drunk?
Bill: I think so. Yes I am.
Sam: Oh man! Go into my room, lock the door, and don’t drink anymore.
Bill: That’s very dominant.
Sam: You don’t have to run, Ken. It’s fake beer.
Ken: I know. I won 87 bucks playing quarters. This party ruled.
Tricks and Treats
Sam: Whitman is such a jerk, you know? She says you have to be “young adults”. We’re not adults. We’re kids until we turn 18.
Neal: Maybe you are. When I hit thirteen, I became a man.
Bill: That’s only in your temple, Neal, not in the real world.
Harris: Yeah, but this year there’s a bunch of evil hippies that don’t want Reagan to be president. So to interrupt the election they’re going to inject the candy with heroin, turn kids into addicts.
Sam: That’s not true! You just have to watch out for pins and razorblades.
Mrs. Weir: Sam, I laid your robot costume out on your bed.
Sam: You didn’t rip it, did you?
Mrs. Weir: No. But I wrote “My son’s the cutest boy in the whole world” on the front of it. Lindsay, I got you a costume. Go put it on, Sweetie! I’m gonna put these cookies by the door. We are going to have so much fun!
Sam: I kinda hate when mom gets goofy like that.
Chain Smoker: What do you want?
All: Uh, trick or treat!
Chain Smoker: Aren’t you guys a little old for this?
Sam: We’re only freshmen in high school.
Chain Smoker: High school? That’s too old.
Harris: We’re young at heart.
Neal: I can’t believe the Hot Dog-On-A-Stick girls saw us. That’s months of work down the drain!
Sam: Like they’d ever go out with you.
Neal: Hey, shut up! They like me. They always give me free lemonade refills.
Mr. Weir: Who the hell did this to you, Sam?
Sam: Some freaks.
Mrs. Weir: Freaks? Like circus freaks?
Mr. Weir: Jean, I don’t think there’s bearded ladies running around throwing eggs at kids.
Sam: Nobody thinks you’re cool, you know.
Lindsay: Trust me, I know.
Kim Kelly Is My Friend
Karen Scarfolli (Rashida Jones): What are you doing? That’s my locker.
Sam: Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I thought it was mine. See, this is mine. I just got hit in the solar plexus so I’m a little out of it.
Karen: Yeah, I don’t want to hear your life story, okay? I want you to move your ass.
Sam: What am I supposed to do? I mean, fight her? She’s a girl. My dad has a rule. You don’t fight girls.
Neal: My dad has a rule. You don’t piss your pants at school.
Sam: Hey, I didn’t piss my pants!
Karen: Hey! What happened to my artwork? I spent a lot of time on that.
Sam: I… I washed it off.
Karen: Yeah? Well how’re you going to remember where your locker is?
Sam: I’ll remember!
Karen: No you won’t.
Sam: Listen, I don’t want to have to fight you.
Sam: Kim Kelly’s a psycho. She and Karen Scarfolli, they’re violent. They run around the school being evil.
Mrs. Weir: That doesn’t sound very nice.
Sam: Why are you friends with Kim Kelly?
Lindsay: Don’t talk to me, okay.
Sam: Kim Kelly’s my enemy.
Lindsay: Look, if you’re going to start being a tattletale and trying to get me into trouble then maybe you should go to a different high school. I don’t need some spy reporting on my every move.
Sam: I just don’t know why you have to hang around her.
Lindsay: Why not?
Sam: Well because she and her friends are mean to me. They wrote geek on my locker.
Lindsay: Well maybe you are a geek. I’m just kidding.
Neal: However I don’t know too many adults who still play with their Tonka Trucks.
Sam: I don’t play with Tonka Trucks.
Neal: You wanna go on the record with that statement?
Sam: Hey, thanks Kim. That was really cool.
Kim: No problem, geek.
Tests and Breasts
Coach Fredricks: Weir! Do you have something to say?
Sam: No, sir.
Coach Fredricks: When you get the clap because you weren’t paying attention in health class is that going to be funny too?
Daniel: These types of books just make me think of all the crap that can go wrong inside of you. Why are you reading this?
Sam: I’m taking sex ed with Mr. Fredricks. He embarrassed me in front of the whole class just ’cause I’m a little bit behind when it comes to that sort of stuff.
Daniel: Yeah. I know how that goes.
Sam: You do?
Daniel: You know, you’re not going to learn anything useful from a book like that.
Sam: No?
Daniel: No. I’ll tell you what, I’ll find you at school tomorrow. I’ll set you up.
Sam: With what?
Daniel: Don’t worry. It’s cool.
Coach Fredricks: When I was going through these questions I was a little disturbed by yours.
Sam: How’d you know it was mine? I thought, I thought it was anonymous.
Coach Fredricks: You were the only one with Star Trek notebook paper.
I’m with the Band
Sam about Bill’s black socks: You look a little bit like my grandpa.
Bill: Oh yeah? Is your grandpa super cool?
Sam: Don’t you think it’s weird that they want us to, you know, get naked?
Neal: It’s not a burlesque show, Sam. They just want us to shower.
Bill: You know to be honest, I don’t smell so good. I could probably use a shower.
Sam: No! We have to stick together.
Neal: Hey, if we don’t shower then we are going to “stick together”. You get it?
Sam: I’m sick. I’m dizzy. I have a headache. And I’m nauseous.
Fredricks: Alright. Okay, go to the nurse’s office. Pick up the Academy Award on the way there, Weir.
Carded and Discarded
Mr. Weir: I was visiting Mr. Pries at his store today, and he was selling a game that my family and I used to play as a kid. every Friday night. Pit.
Lindsay: Pit?
Mr. Weir: Pit.
Sam: Sounds like fun.
Mr. Weir: It is. It’s a stock trading game. See, we all yell across the table at each other and try to get the other players to trade stocks with us.
Lindsay: So we all sit around the table and you yell at us?
Sam: You do that to us every night.
Girlfriends and Boyfriends
Neal: Man. Gordon reeks. You think he ever takes a shower?
Sam: Maybe he takes baths instead. My mom says that they don’t really get you clean.
Bill: Yeah. You just sit in your own filth.
Sam: Cindy is not abnormal.
Bill: Yeah? She cut the cheese.
Neal: Oh my god.
Sam: That’s not funny.
Bill: I heard it, man, I swear. She blamed it on the chair. But she cut the cheese.
Sam: Well some chairs make weird noises. What kind of a chair was it?
Bill: I don’t know. Vinyl?
Sam: Vinyl chairs always squeak.
Bill: It wasn’t a squeak. It was the sound of cheese being cut.
Sam: Hey, why don’t we go ask Gordon to come with us.
Neal: But he smells.
Sam: Yeah, I know. But he’s really cool. Maybe he doesn’t even know he smells.
Bill: Are you gonna tell him?
We’ve Got Spirit
Cindy: Do remember how I told you I had a crush on Todd?
Sam: Yeah.
Cindy: Well I don’t.
Sam: You don’t?
Cindy: No. It’s not like a crush. It’s like an obsession.
Sam: Why does Cindy like him? He’s such a jerk. He’s not even nice to her.
Neal: Cheerleaders have to date athletes. It’s the law.
Sam: Hey Cindy. How’s it going?
Not good. Our mascot broke his arm and he got a concussion too. And now his mom won’t let go to bed tonight ’cause she’s afraid he’s gonna slip into a coma.
Bill: My cousin slipped into a coma once. And then when he woke up he spoke fluent Spanish.
Bill: Sam, I think that was a subliminal message. She wants you to be the new mascot.
Sam: What?
Bill: “We really need a new mascot.” “I really need a new mascot.” “I really need Sam to be the new mascot.”
Sam: You really think I should try out?
Bill: Open your eyes Sam! I mean that was the biggest come-on I’ve ever seen. She was practically feeling you up.
Sam: Think there’s a subliminal message in there somewhere?
Bill: For your sake, I hope not.
Sam: Hey Dad, I think Cindy Sanders likes me.
Mr. Weir: Oh yeah?
Sam: Yeah. I got to form a human pyramid on top of her.
Mr. Weir: Well. That’ll do it.
The Diary
Neal: Wait. All the teachers numbers are there?
Bill: Phone.
Sam: Think we could be arrested for making prank calls?
Neal: Yeah. And we’ll get sent to telephone prison.
Looks and Books
Sam: What’s so great about him anyway?
Neal: It’s the hair.
Neal: You look like your mother dresses you.
Sam: Hey. Well, at least I don’t look like a ventriloquist’s dummy.
Neal: Don’t kill the messenger. I know I look good.
Neal: Why did you buy that?
Sam: Hey, you’re the one that said I should dress better.
Neal: Yeah, I didn’t say you should dress like Evel Knievel.
Bill: You guys, I think we’re directing more attention to us by doing this.
Gordon: This is cool. I feel like I’m in the secret service.
Sam: Mr. Rosso, I dressed up to impress Cindy Sanders.
Mr. Rosso: Sam, some of my friends are the dirtiest, stinkiest guys you’ll ever meet. But they date more women than you or I could ever hope for. It’s all about confidence. It’s true.
The Garage Door
Sam: Your dad’s the coolest.
Mr. Schweiber (Sam McMurray): I heard that!
Neal: Yeah.
Sam: Dad, can I have an Atari for my birthday?
Mr. Weir: An A-what-i?
Sam: Atari.
Mr. Weir: What the heck is that?
Mrs. Weir: That’s one of those expensive video games, isn’t it?
Sam: No. No! It’s not expensive.
Mr. Weir: Well whatever it costs it’s a waste of money. And time. You know, the welfare rolls are full of video game players.
Lindsay: No they’re not.
Mr. Weir: Well they’re gonna be. Trust me.
Sam: I’m not going to hug you!
Bill: Why? I’m quite secure with my manliness. It’s okay to hug friends.
Neal: I’ll tell you one thing, when I get married I’m never going to cheat on my wife. Even if she gets old and fat.
Bill: Yeah. I’d be happy just to get a wife. But I don’t think I want the kind that gets old and fat.
Sam: I don’t know how you even get one girl. How does anyone get two?
Chokin’ and Tokin’
Mr. Weir: Sam, who’s your favorite Angel?
Sam: I like Bosley.
Mr. Weir: Bosley? Nobody watches this show for Bosley.
Sam: He’s funny.
Mr. Weir: Yeah, well he’s no Kate Jackson I’ll tell you that much.
Neal: Sam, could you not use the word “die” in a hospital?
Sam: You asked if he was still alive.
Neal: Tht’s an optimist question. Alive is good. Dying is bad. Trust me on this, my dad’s a dentist.
Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers
Noshing and Moshing
Smooching and Mooching
The Little Things
Bill: Sam, don’t worry. It’s just a game. I mean, I’m good at Mouse Trap, and you’re really good at Kerplunk.
Sam: No. No no no, it’s not that. It’s just this thing with Cindy. She’s kind of, she’s kind of boring.
Bill: Really?
Sam: It’s weird hanging out with her friends. And, I mean, all she ever wants to do is make out and stuff.
Neal: I’d kill to be that bored.
Bill: Maybe you should take her out on a date and do something that you want to do.
Sam: But what if she doesn’t want to do what I want to do?
Bill: Then why are you going out with her?
Neal: Because she’s a goddess! Am I the last same man on this godforsaken planet? Hey, pass her over here. I’d move to the mall if she wanted me to.
Disco and Dragons
Harold: You’re not lying, are you, Sam?
Sam: No.
Harold: ‘Cause you know what happens to liars in this world, don’t you?
Sam: They end up getting killed in jail.
Harold: Right.