Reversals of Fortune
Nate: Well it’s a good thing the flight attendants dimmed the cabin lights over the Atlantic.
Bree: Well it’s an even better thing that my car got a flat on the way to Heathrow and I missed the plane that I was supposed to be on. Otherwise I would have been sitting in seat 3B of an entirely different plane. Waking up with an entirely different passenger in seat 3A.
Nate: Alright so now that we’re back on our own turf do I at least get your number? Maybe your last name.
Bree: A little mystery never hurt anyone.
Nate: Oh really? C’mon, please. You gotta give me something to go on here.
Bree: Okay. Ah, well we are going to the same school.
Nate: Yeah, and Columbia’s kind of a big one. Especially when you factor in graduate school.
Bree: You caught that. See you’re a better detective than you think. Well, my car is waiting.
Nate: Oh, are you done with that. I’ll take it. sees the Buckley headline. On second thought—
Bree: You have a problem with the Buckley’s?
Nate: Yeah, well that right-wing nut job called William van der Bilt a deviant for lobbying against DOMA.
Bree: Maybe that’s because William van der Bilt called Jeb Buckley a cokehead and a cheater.
Nate: What, are you saying it isn’t cheating if you get your congressional aide pregnant?
Bree: You’re Nate Archibald.
Nate: And you’re Bree Buckley.
Bree: You pulled my hair during the Clinton’s inaugural ball.
Nate: Your redneck cousins tried to waterboard me at the Easter Egg hunt on the White House lawn.
Bree: It’s good to see you again.
Nate: Yeah, take care of yourself.
Chuck: I know it’s a buyer’s market right now but that doesn’t mean there’s actually anything worth buying.
Nate: Why don’t you just stay at the Palace?
Chuck: I am done living in my father’s shadow. And that includes living in his hotel.
Nate: And running his company?
Chuck: Lily was doing an amazing job overseeing the board before she left. Why not let her continue. What about you? Any word from the van der Bilt compound since you got back?
Nate: Not a word. Tomorrow’s the family polo match. You know when I skipped out on the internship at the mayor’s office I knew they’d be mad. Now I’m getting the silent treatment.
Chuck: Well if they’re mad at you already why don’t you call the girl from the plane?
Nate: I’m not going to use Bree to send some message.
Chuck: You’re missing one key detail: sleeping with the enemy is hot. Why do you think I had the whole Ivanka thing?
Nate: Well the bad news is your last name’s Buckley, but the good news is knowing that makes you easier to find.
Nate: I’m not going to be taking the internship, Grandfather. I hope you can understand that.
Mr. van der Bilt: Of course I can.
How many times must I tell you, Nathaniel, I want to be your family. Work wherever. Date whomever. I won’t stand in your way. I just want you to be happy.
Nate: I almost believe you.
Mr. van der Bilt: That’s enough for me.
The Freshmen
Bree to Nate: What do you say? You, me, this apartment. Let’s get sick of each other.
Dan de Fleurette
Nate about Olivia: She plays Guinevere. But like a hot, blood-sucking Guinevere.
Rufus Getting Married
Blair: The bloodsucker is back. I saw her coffin and telltale Louis Vuitton broom on the floor.
Nate: Vampire’s don’t ride brooms, Blair.
Blair: Leave it to Georgina to start a mutant strain.
Nate: Blair.
Blair: What?
Chuck: I’ll go apologize for my girlfriend.
Nate: So you’re happy with Chuck. Don’t I deserve to be happy as well?
Blair: Trust me Nate. I know women. And none of us are that nice.
Nate: I talked to Blair. So is it true? You used me to get to Carter?
Bree: Yeah. I guess I did. Come on Nate. You’re a Van der Bilt. I’m a Buckley. And as much as I like you, that’s always going to come first. It’s in my blood. It’s Texas. If it means anything, I’m sorry.
Nate: No. No. You know what, it doesn’t. So please leave.
Enough About Eve
Nate: Didn’t you spend a summer in Monte Carlo when she dated Carlos [?]?
Serena: I was nine. Carlos taught me to play using Necco wafers as chips.
Nate: Well just imagine Carter owes the Buckley’s half a million Necco wafers.
Serena: I don’t know if PJ is not as stupid as he looks, but Nate, those tells were wrong. What are you going to do.
Nate: Well of course I had to tell my grandfather what happened. I mean I have completely destroyed Trip’s political career.
Serena: I heard you talking to your grandfather. Why would you leak a fake photo. Are you trying to destroy Trip’s campaign?
Nate: No. That’s gonna win Trip the election.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Nate: Once the Buckley’s leak it we’ll release the real photo. It’s gonna look like the Buckleys planted the fake one. People are finally going to see them as the villains they are.
Serena: And what happens to Carter. You just used him?
Nate: Come on Serena. The guy proposed to PJ’s sister to pay off his gambling debt. Wake up. The guy’s hardly innocent. But I am sorry I had to lie to you.
Serena: No you’re not. But you will be.
How to Succeed In Bassness
Dan: So you really think the sight of Olivia in fake fangs reciting stilted dialogue is going to be a deal breaker, don’t you?
Nate: Oh the dialogue is awesome. It’s the part without the talking that’s the problem.
Dan: I think I can handle some PG-13 bloodsucking. C’mon.
Nate: Seriously, I mean do you not get internet here in Brooklyn? Okay, Patrick Roberts who plays her vampire co-star was her boyfriend the whole time they were shooting this. All the blogs said they got really into it and started doing it for real. Like, sex scene on the cutting room floor real.
Dan: I think the most disturbing part in all of this is you’ve been reading Endless Nights blogs.
Nate: Okay, that’s— I know you think you’re okay with it. But you don’t want to watch your girlfriend with another guy. I mean comparing looks… and noises…
Dan: No, see that’s the problem with your theory. I have no idea if she makes noises yet. We haven’t gotten to the noises stage.
Dan: Is her acting this good in the rest of the movie? I mean just look at the way she’s looking at him. That’s love. That’s definitely love. And lust. And… gratitude—
Nate: Dude, it’s an orgasm.
Dan: Yeah.
Nate: I’m surprised Blair isn’t here. What, are you guys in another fight?
Chuck: A fight implies time and energy. This is more of an ongoing detached distrust.
The Grandfather: Part II
Grandfather: He’s right, Nathaniel. Thing’s aren’t where they should be. The Buckley’s dirty pool is starting to work. Thanks to Serena we weren’t able to expose it.
Nate: Well isn’t there something we could do?
Grandfather: It’s election day. At this point, Nathaniel, it would take nothing short of a miracle.
Nate: What are you doing here?
Serena: I left you a message but you never called me back.
Nate: Yeah well as you can see I’ve been sort of busy and I really have nothing to say to you.
Serena: Then I’ll make it quick. I need you to put me and Patrick Roberts on the guest list for Trip’s party tonight.
Nate: Are you kidding me?
Serena: Nate, my job is at stake.
Nate: Oh. That’s funny. So is my cousin’s campaign thanks to you.
Serena: Look as far as I’m concerned we’re even. You used me for your Buckley photo scandal. All I did was find out and undo it.
Nate: Well I wouldn’t exactly call revenge a solid foundation for a friendship.
Serena: Who said anything about a friendship? All I need is an invite plus one.
Vanessa: Why’d you do it?
Nate: Do what?
Vanessa: C’mon Nate. You were the only one who knew I had that meeting to sell that footage.
Nate: I had to protect Trip.
Vanessa: I came to you first as a friend.
Nate: Don’t be so self-righteous. You were only selling the footage to further your own career.
They Shoot Humphreys, Don’t They?
Nate: What are she and Serena fighting about this time?
Chuck: Basically how each one loves the other more than the other loves her.
Nate: Can you even fight about that?
The Last Days of Disco Stick
Nate: A threesome?
Dan: Oh yeah. Just me, Olivia, Vanessa, two girls, four boobs, one Dan Humphrey.
Nate: Aw.
Dan: How awesome am I?
Nate: How stupid can you be?
Dan: What?
Nate: Buddy. Okay, I know things. I’ve been to Europe. Chuck Bass is my best friend. Alright, the third person is supposed to be a stranger.
Dan: The fact that it was Vanessa is what made it so fun.
Nate: Okay, the problem is that during a threesome there’s always a twosome and a onesome going on.
Dan: You know what? The onesome was not so bad.
Nate: Okay, you may have enjoyed the show. But let’s face it Vanessa is very vocal. It couldn’t have been easy for Olivia to hear all that.
Dan: You know what, Olivia was fine. We talked the next morning. And so was Vanessa. I mean I haven’t really seen her much, but I’m sure she is. Why are you being such a buzzkill?
Nate: Because you’re lucky to have both of them in your life.
Nate: Give me a call if you need me. Which you will.
Dan: Okay, man. So get this: I have plans with Vanessa tonight but then Olivia signed me up to do this cabaret thing with her. And Blair.
Nate: Oh yeah. It’s post-threesome stage one. Wherein one, if not both girls, try to prove to the other who you belong to.
Dan: Alright, so what do I do?
Nate: Well you have to prove to Olivia that you and Vanessa are still friends. Despite the fact that you’ve seen each other’s business.
Nate: Oh. Dan. Girl problems. You don’t even want to know.
Serena: Sounds like you’re everyone’s therapist today.
Nate: Yeah well. Affairs with married people. Love triangles. Just so happens everyone’s problems are well within my area of expertise.
Serena: High school was so much easier.
Nate: Yeah, in some ways.
Serena: Well I wasn’t attracted to married men.
Nate: Yeah but I was. Well not men, obviously.
Serena: Lady Catherine. That was my first experience being someone’s fake girlfriend. Who knew I’d do it as a profession.
The Debarted
Dan: Olivia called it. And I was too stupid or too stubborn to realize she was right about Vanessa. And now my window’s closed. She all off into this Paul Hoffman guy.
Nate: Dan, do you really think if you went toe-to-toe with Paul Hoffman that you couldn’t take him down? You’re using him as an excuse.
Dan: No, he’s a handsome guy, he’s a sophomore. He and Vanessa have a lot in common.
Nate: He’s a douche. Listen, you have two options here: you could man up, go to war and fight for the girl you love. Or just forget her and move on to a palette cleanser.
Dan: So you’re saying my only choices are extreme emotional vulnerability with a good friend. Or meaningless sex with a stranger.
Nate: Yeah. Pretty much.
The Hurt Locket
Nate: Hey. Wha- ? I’m not that late.
Dan: I’m sorry, man. I was just hoping you were Vanessa.
Nate: Oh, you invited Vanessa here too?
Dan: No. Not exactly. But she does spend a lot of time here.
Nate: I take it that means you still haven’t talked to her.
Dan: Or gotten a text. Or seen her. It’s my fault—I moved too fast, you know? I read like five self-help blogs about how to turn friends into lovers. Yes they use that word. I was a little down at my mom’s place.
Nate: Woah. Hey Blair.
Blair: It’s Anna Karenina. You never read it. Don’t worry about it.
Nate: I never do.
Nate: You came with him?
Serena: You came with her? I think you’re in the wrong place. Prom is down the street.
Nate: Oh that’s fine. I’ll just let you get back to your Euro fun.
The Lady Vanished
Serena: Since when do you cook?
Nate: Honestly, I didn’t even know we had a fridge until this morning.
Blair: What are you doing?
Nate: Ah, my phone’s dead. I was going to use Chuck’s.
Blair: There’s a phone in the livingroom.
Nate: I know. I wanted to check a tweet.
Serena: Wait, Chuck asked you to grab his phone when he called, didn’t he?
Blair: Chuck called?
Nate: No. I mean yeah, he called. But he was just wanting me to put his phone in his briefcase so he didn’t forget it.
Blair: Oh god, I miss that.
Nate: What?
Blair: Dating someone who’s a horrible liar. It’s so much easier.
Nate: Chuck, how is that even possible? Bart told you your mother died.
Chuck: He also told me that kids wear suits to kindergarten and that blue chip stocks were great for birthday gifts. He told me what I wanted to believe.
The Sixteen-Year-Old Virgin
Serena: You know what’s really attractive about a bad boy?
Nate: No. I really don’t.
Serena: I called him and invited him over for lunch.
Nate: What, are you crazy? You said last time you were alone with this guys he tried to rip your clothes off.
Serena: And he’ll try to again. But this time you and Jenny are going to walk in right in time to catch him.
Nate: This sounds absurd.
Serena: Blair and Chuck do it all the time.
Serena: Look, whatever your twisted guy logic is, there’s no reason to go behind my back with Jenny.
Nate: Serena, I woke up the morning after I lost my virginity to find that the person I lost it to—the person I loved—had left town. Never to be heard from again for a year. So yeah. I had a good reason.
Jenny: Go away, traitor.
Nate: Look, I’m sorry I called Rufus, but it was for your own good. You’re a really special girl, Jenny, who deserves a guy who’s gonna see that. You know? Who’s gonna be there in the morning.
Jenny: Not like you’re available.
Nate: Jenny, Damien got aggressive with Serena at the state dinner.
Jenny: Shows what you know. Damien only hit on Serena to get her to take off the opera jacket with the drugs in it.
The Empire Strikes Jack
Blair: Chuck, are you okay?
Nate: Hey. What’s going on?
Chuck: It would appear we’ve all been players in a Jack Bass production. The reappearance of my mother, the lawsuit. It’s all been part of an elaborate ruse to get me to sign over my hotel to Elizabeth. You have to admire his handiwork.
Inglourious Bassterds
Nate: Hey, c’mon. Game’s starting. Let’s go.
Chuck: I’m already dead.
Nate: You still have your photo.
Chuck: A formality. I’ll tell you what, you can kill me again if you like.
The Unblairable Lightness of Being
Blair: Great, he sent Good Cop.
Nate: Chuck didn’t send me.
Blair: Serena.
Nate: Look, we’re concerned about our best friends. And whatever he did, I’m sure you can find a suitable punishment for him.
Blair: There is no punishment for what he did.
Nate: Thank god you’re here! I need help with the flowers. pause You know, I wish I was kidding.
Nate: I know what you did.
Chuck: Blair told you.
Nate: Yeah, she did. She didn’t want to, but she did. I mean this time you have crossed a line.
Chuck: In your rush to pass judgment, did you ever consider you don’t know the entire truth. What exactly did Blair say?
Nate: That you traded her for the hotel. No. No, you deserve to be alone.
Chuck: I may be heartless, but you’re naive. I made the deal, sure. But Blair didn’t know that when she went to Jack. I guess she left that part out. I can feel your brain strain, Nathaniel. I don’t expect you to understand.
Nate: What’s that supposed to mean?
Chuck: You and Serena have it easy. Until now your biggest concern is who’s hair is shinier. Did she tell you where she was this morning?
Nate: She went to breakfast at the Humphrey’s, what does it matter?
Chuck: Well, did she tell you Carter Baizen’s back in town? Because my friend at the Regis did. And guess who he saw with Carter this morning.
Nate: No. You have no idea what you’re even talking about.
Chuck: No, you have no idea what I’m talking about, and that’s the problem.
Serena: I should have told you you about Carter. I bumped into him on the street the other day and I told him we could have coffee and that’s it.
Nate: That’s not how Carter made it seem.
Serena: You know how he is. He convinced his fourth grade class at Dalton that Barney’s was named after the dinosaur.
Serena: What else do you want me to do?
Nate: I want you to stop seeing him.
Serena: I know you’re upset. But that doesn’t give you the right to tell me who I can and can’t see.
Nate: With Carter. Yes, it does.
Dr. Estrangeloved
Nate: I know what this looks like.
Serena: Oh you do? Great. Well as long as you know how it looks then I guess I’m good.
Nate: It’s not what it looks like. Stop. Hey! I mean what are you even doing here?
Serena: I came to apologize for not hearing you out earlier and then I walk in to see her trying to kiss you?
Nate: Yeah, but I didn’t. Nothing happened. Same as nothing happened last night which I would have told you about if you hadn’t hung up on me.
Serena: So what about all the things she said about me. Is that really what you think?
Jenny: Yes. He does.
Serena: I’m talking to Nate, Jenny!
Nate: What? Do I wonder why you don’t trust me anymore? Yeah, I do. You won’t tell me about looking for your dad and then you leave town with Carter Baizen. And then you come back and you shut me out. What am I supposed to think?
Serena: I’m sorry. I should have told you that I was looking for my father. But I didn’t leave town with Carter. You know that. I even tried to apologize.
Nate: What are you talking about?
Serena: The night of Dorota’s wedding. I called your cell to explain everything. I even left a message with Jenny.
Jenny: What message? I never talked to her, Nate. For once, please don’t let her do this to you.
Serena: I left you a message, Nate. She said she would tell you.
Jenny: She’s lying! I never talked to her.
Nate: Just get out.
Jenny: What?
Nate: Seriously, Jenny. Just please. Leave.
Jenny: You know, you two deserve each other.
It’s a Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad World
Nate: You never made it to my lacrosse game yesterday. What are you doing?
Blair: I could ask you the same question. Does Serena know you’re trying to pull off plaid?
Nate: Seriously, Blair. I expected Chuck to go back to his old habits after your breakup but I thought you had grown up a little.
Blair: Whatever do you mean?
Nate: Blair Waldorf on the Upper West Side two days in a row. Pretty much looks like you’re pretending to be a Columbia student.
Nate: Are you all right? You’ve got crazy eyes.
Ex-Husbands and Wives
Nate: Come on, you finally stopped defiling the pool table with the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil, you got Blair into Columbia. Why not let things end on a good note.
Nate: So crazy day at the van der Woodsens, huh?
Serena: I just wanted to keep Rufus away until my mom got stronger.
Nate: What? You don’t really think he did this, do you?
Serena: Why would Holland lie about it?
Nate: I don’t know. I don’t even know who she is. But I do know Rufus. I mean he took me in when my dad left us with nothing. He’s a good guy.
Serena: They all are. ‘Til they aren’t anymore. I’m just trying to protect my mom.
Nate: I get it, okay? But just give him a chance. He gave you one when you bailed on Brown.
Serena: Are you really taking his side right now?
Nate: I’m not taking sides. We’re just talking about it.
Serena: Well maybe that’s not such a good idea. I should go be with my family.
Dan: Thanks for coming with me, man. It means a lot, you getting involved.
Nate: Oh hey, my dad would have done this and worse. Alright? And
no matter what Serena wants to believe, there’s no way Rufus would hurt Lily like that.
Dan: Does Serena know you’re doing this?
Nate: I was thinking we’d see what we find out before I tell her.
Dan: You’re on dangerous ground there.
Nate: Yeah, but the only way to clean up this mess—for everyone—is to find out the truth.
Dan: I know. That’s why we need the help of an expert.
Blair: Did Chuck send you? His pill plan didn’t work so he sent Frik and Frak to ruin my date?
Dan: No, Blair, this is about my dad and Lily. This woman Holland has accused him of cheating.
Blair: Wait a minute. An artist or a hippie activist maybe. But rooftop garden committee? I knew that something wasn’t right when Serena told me. No way would another Upper East Sider shtup Rufus. My step-father’s Jewish.
Cameron: Ah.
Nate: Blair, we can’t let Lily leave Rufus. Will you help us?
Cameron: Exposing scandal on the Upper East Side? Show me your world, Blair Waldorf.
Blair: They’d be lost without me.
Blair: Holland is obviously trying to poison Lily so she can have Rufus all to herself. So Shakespearian.
Nate: Yeah, it’s also Fatal Attraction. I just can’t handle dead bunnies.
Blair: Where’s William?
Serena: He’s in the lobby downstairs getting his bags.
Nate: There’s no one in the lobby.
Serena: He’s down there.
Nate: Serena, the lobby’s empty.
Serena: You just must not have seen him. He wouldn’t leave.
Nate: Hey hey—
Serena: He wouldn’t leave me.
Blair: Let her go.
Lily: Oh god.
Nate: We should call the police.
Dan: Let’s just give him a minute.
Nate: No, if we wait he’ll be gone for good.
Jenny: I didn’t know you’d be here.
Nate: I live here.
Last Tango, Then Paris
Jenny: Finally.
Nate: Jenny, hey you’re still here.
Jenny: Gee, thanks. As if it wasn’t humiliating enough when you fall asleep in the middle of my sentence.
Nate: Don’t you mean monologue?