Gossip Girl: Mick, Keith and their questionably-costumed cohorts said, “You can’t always get what you want.” But that doesn’t mean it’s okay for anyone else to have it either.
Serena: Sorry if we kept you up last night. We were playing Scrabble.
Ben (David Call): She fell asleep to avoid losing.
Dan: Since when do you enjoy Scrabble?
Serena: I should get going too. I agreed to a détente with my mom so I could help plan Eric’s eighteenth birthday party. And I can’t show up in yesterday’s clothes.
Ben: Well, tell him I say congratulations, and to be careful now that he’s old enough to be tried as an adult.
Serena: Actually I was hoping maybe you could come to the party and tell him yourself?
Ben: I’m not going to your mother’s, Serena. I’m not eating her food or drinking her wine or smiling and pretending that everything’s okay.
Eric: I wished for chills on my birthday but not thanks to the flu. Well, looks like I’ll be ushering in adulthood with warm tea and flat ginger ale.
Lily: We’ll have to celebrate another time. Ugh, I need to get to this meeting. Get some rest, okay? And I’ll call everyone when I get home and cancel the party.
Serena: Okay, I try not to meddle in Dorota’s duties, but don’t you think you’re taking it a bit too far?
Blair: Marie Antoinette, Scarlett O’Hara. I’m going to be following in the footsteps of other powerful women who did not have the time to zip.
Serena: Or maybe you’re just delusional from lack of sleep. Your light hasn’t been off for nights.
Blair: Great leaders only need three hours. Mine just happen to be non-consecutive.
Penelope (Amanda Setton): You called us here to Skype?
Blair: No. I called you in to W. But apparently someone thought that stood for “Waldorf.”
Blair: There are philanthropic positions to procure, as well as relations to nurture. Yet with science so woefully behind in cloning technology I can only be in one place at a time.
Blair: New minion—
Emily (Rachel Oyama): My name is Emily.
Dorota: She has no time to care.
Blair: Interns! Step in! Now since the new online blog is molding minds, I’ll do that myself. You will sort portfolios, draft editorial captions and research back—
Donna: Are you talking to me?
Blair: Of course not. Where are my interns?
Donna: They put in for transfers. Your management style was a little aggressive. One claims she has PTSD and threatened a lawsuit. Oh, good luck. The last assistant who lost her interns, lost her job too. {Dan peeks his head around the corner.}
Blair: Not to worry. My new intern is already here.
Lily: I don’t care what Russell was doing behind the scenes. That’s no excuse for the things you said to me.
Chuck: I can’t believe you’re on his side. This guy’s trying to destroy our company.
Lily: Your company. You had me fired. I’m done trying to protect the Bass legacy. Russell will make a marvelous owner.
Chuck: What is it with this guy? Do you still have feelings for him?
Lily: Please, I’m a married woman.
Chuck: Didn’t stop you from cheating on my father. I’m sure you’d do the same to Rufus. {she slaps him.}
Lily: Goodbye Charles.
Chuck: The slap was a nice touch. Oscar-worthy.
Lily: Yes, well it was surprisingly satisfying.
Chuck: Lily, once again, I’m sorry. I feel like a fool for ever believing Russell over you.
Lily: Well let’s just hope it’s not long before he’s the one feeling foolish.
Eric: I know that they were just trying to help, but Dan and Nate actually made things worse when they went to see Damien’s father.
Ben: How exactly?
Eric: Damien’s got his big coke shipment coming in today from Europe. It’s arriving at the flower market in the fertilizer packs of a hundred pink tulips. And since his dad has people watching his every move, he’s making me be his drug mule.
Serena: What? Why would you do that? What does he have on you?
Eric: On me, nothing. But he knows that Mom forged the affidavit about Ben.
Ben: You can’t risk anyone else’s future to protect hers. The right thing to do here is nothing. Then the worst that happens is Lily pays for what she did. At least no one else will.
Serena: Ben, she’s my mother.
Blair juggling phones: This job offer won’t last forever.
Dan: No way am I going to work for you. I came here to see if you wanted to have lunch, not sign up for indentured servitude.
Blair {phone one}: Penelope, I see on Gossip Girl that you’re between 36th and 48th Street. That is a tasteful gift-free zone. Get back in the cab. {phone two} What do you mean you don’t know the price of the Prada clutch? You are Prada. Let me speak to Miuccia!
Blair: Tell me, for someone who’s so determined to remain a free person, why are you still here?
Dan: Listen, I’m not going to work for you. But as a friend I am willing to help out. {she tries handing him the phone} All you have to do is admit you need me.
Blair: What? Never. The last person I need is Dan Humphrey. Who shouldn’t flatter himself by thinking he’s my friend. {cell} Yes, I need immediate delivery of four venti lattes with extra shots—none of which are for you.
Dan propping up his feet: Oh good. I don’t really like refreshments with my theatre.
Nate: The best way to get anywhere right now, is through the park.
Reina (Tika Sumpter): You mean walk?
Nate: I’ll escort you. That way you won’t wander off into Sheep’s Meadow. Come on, trust me. It’ll be fast and it’s fun.
Reina: Okay then. Escort away. There aren’t really sheep there, right?
Nate: No. Just a lot of grass.
Chuck: The way he’s playing this, behind all the false claims there’s an agenda. And it’s personal. I have to think it’s his feelings for you.
Blair: Do you have Bryn Harold? Well then take off your shoes and chase her down, because I need that opera as a front of book idea. They’re doing Boris Godunov this spring. Who doesn’t love Tsars and Cossacks?
Dan: Sure you’re not ready to admit you need my help?
Blair: Never! No, never isn’t what he transitioned Spain into, it’s Modernism and don’t get caught talking during a test! {she tries to drink from her pencil cup}.
Dan: When was the last time you slept?
Blair: Sleep is for the weak.
Serena: Blair, we need your help with a scheme.
Dan: She can’t.
Blair: Ah— I can! New paragraph. “The Nude Maja began Goya’s separation from religious iconography—”
Serena: What are you doing here?
Dan: I’m leaving. This just went from Woman on the Verge to Saw II. I don’t really like gore porn really.
Dan: Now what’s so urgent?
Blair: I wanted to tell you… that you were right… about that thing.
Dan: And now which thing was that?
Blair: I, Blair Waldorf, need Dan Humphrey’s help.
Dan: “As a friend and peer, not as an underling.”
Blair mumbling: As my friend and peer not my underling.
Gossip Girl: Painting It Black has nothing on the trouble one piece of purple paper can cause.
Dan: Tell her that I got all of her texts and her handwritten letters and I will be in touch when I’m ready.
Ben: He says— Do I really have to say that? Shouldn’t you just talk to her yourself?
Dan: No no no. Giving her the message myself will defeat the entire purpose of message.
Serena: These are purple.
Eric: Ugh. And… planty.
Dan: I know you only admitted you needed me so you could make me your drug mule.
Blair: That sticky note was meant for Penelope. Frankly with her attitude she could use some time behind bars.
Dan: So that’s it? There’s no “I’m sorry I could have gotten you arrested.”?
Blair: Well, you’re here. The party’s lovely. Everything obviously turned out fine.
Serena: Except that you sent Dan to get the wrong flowers. The tulips with the coke were pink.
Blair: And I wrote that down. This one’s on you, Humphrey.
Dan: You wrote purple. Classic Stroop Effect.
Blair: Where you write or say a color that you see instead of the one you mean. You’re not the only one who knows his neurodysfunction.
Nate: Gloat all you want to, just… don’t tell anyone I danced to Tick Tock.
Reina: I wouldn’t call that dancing.
Lily: What are you doing? Do you realize how gauche it is to open gifts at a party? Before dessert!
Eric: I was just so excited to have an addition to my stock portfolio.
Rufus: You think I’m a fool? I know what went on between the two of you. And it looks like it’s still going.
Lily: Please. This is not the time.
Rufus: You’re the one who invited him to Eric’s eighteenth birthday party.
Russell: Actually I was just leaving.
Lily: You know, some men know how to behave appropriately at social events. Russell, I’m so sorry. I’ll call you later.
Lily: You know you’re not so bad at that double-agent thing yourself.
Rufus: Think he bought it?
Gossip Girl: I hear a storm is threatening someone’s very life today. Let’s hope they find some Shelter. And it’s not behind bars.
Russell: Brad, I’m sorry he dragged you into this. Let me buy you a real dinner.
Brad (Kevin Collins): I think I’ll stay. Hear young Mr. Bass out. The only thing I hate more than being lied to, is being cheated.
Russell: You’re making a mistake.
Dan: What are you doing here? This is Serena’s brother’s birthday party. It’s not okay for you to just show up here.
Vanessa (Jessica Szohr): All I want to do is apologize for the part I played in what happened to her. I had no idea that that was Juliet’s plan. And you know me, Dan. I would never be okay with things going that far.
Dan: Yeah, that’s what my sister said before she did the right thing and came clean. You, on the other hand, pointed the finger at her and left town.
Lily: I’m relieved you’re not going to overdose. But you should have come to me with this.
Eric: I just, I didn’t want to worry you. I wanted to fix my mistake.
Lily: The only mistake was mine. When I forged Serena’s signature.
Serena: Wow. That’s the first time you’ve admitted it was wrong.
Lily: Well it seemed right at the time, but I know it wasn’t. And as much as I appreciate you both trying to protect me, I can’t allow anyone else to pay for what I did.
Blair: My problem isn’t emotional. It’s administrative.
Ben: If you ever use that information about Lily, I’ll have you killed.
Damien (Kevin Zegers): That’s a tad melodramatic, don’t you think?
Ben: Well that’s up for you to decide. While you’re walking around, wondering if that guy behind you is the ex-con I got to do the job. Those guys I had beat up Howard Archibald? Only stopped after ten minutes because I told them to. It takes a hell of a lot less time to kill a man.
Damien: I always knew you read too much Shakespeare to be sane.
Serena: Did anyone else see Vanessa or am I having ether flashbacks?
Eric: It’s probably the latter. Although I did notice Blair wearing two different shoes.
Blair: Your “friends as fashion” metaphor was well-executed, but did not save my job.
Dan: You got fired.
Blair: Slash quit. Donna said they’d been watching me for awhile, hoping for the best, but let’s face it I’m imploding.
Blair: I thought that if I could be the Blair Waldorf that I want to be a little sooner, that maybe I could return to Chuck before he fell for someone else.
Dan: Well you do know Reina broke up with him.
Blair: Yes. In my head. But in my heart I feel further away than ever. Tonight he’s thinking about a different girl. And meanwhile, I lost my job, I failed a test… I almost got my best friend’s mother arrested. And I’m in Brooklyn. Talking about it to Dan Humphrey.
Dan: Ah, well. I’m about to order some pizza if you want to stay.
Blair: I think someone Freaky Friday’d me. This can’t possibly be my life.
Gossip Girl: When you do finally get what you want, the problem is there’s always someone that’s trying to take it away. And all that wanting makes us blind to the fact that things aren’t exactly what we think they are. Maybe it’s better sometimes to just get what you need. XOXO —Gossip Girl.