Gossip Girl: As per Gossip Girl’s Thanksgiving tradition, I’m trading my laptop for Stovetop. And for the next 16 hours the only thing I’m dishing is seconds. When the cat’s away, the mice will play. Have fun, little rodents.
Blair: I mean, who gets wasted on Thanksgiving?
Serena: The holidays are lonely for people. I wanted to keep ’em company.
Blair: Where is your purse?
Serena: Uh. My purse…
Blair: Great. All right. You stay here. Okay? I’m gonna go look. Don’t drink. Or hit on anything.
Dan: Excuse me, do you need like a crossing guard. Or a cab, maybe?
Serena: Hey.
Dan: And hello to you. Big National Holiday. You excited?
Serena: Kind of am. Might be the first Thanksgiving in awhile that I actually remember.
Dan: Yeah. I bet.
Serena: Huh?
Dan: Nothing.
Dan: Better Thanksgiving than never.
Jenny: We on this side of the kitchen choose to be positive.
Rufus: Yeah Dan. What’s it gonna be? Are you with us or against us?
Dan: Fine. Fine. But only if I can take the cranberry sauce out of the can. That is my specialty.
Serena: Look at you. Quite the chipper sous chef.
Blair: Well I’m in a good mood. It happens. Sometimes because I increase my Lexapro, sometimes because my dad’s in town.
Serena: And sometimes, mostly, because things are good with a boy. You and Nate get back together?
Blair: You mean since Gossip Girl published pictures of him and some skank?
Serena: So that’s a no. What’s Chuck doing today?
Blair: Why are you asking me?
Serena: Well you guys are friends. And Blair, look you know you can tell me anything. I’d be the last person to judge anyone.
Blair: With good reason.
Serena: Blair, I saw you with Chuck.
Blair: I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean sleeping with him once, maybe I could understand. But twice?
Serena: Wait, you slept with him?
Blair: Sh!
Serena: Yuck, Blair!
Blair: What happened to no judging?
Serena: I’m not, but I thought you wanted to wait. I thought you wanted to make things special.
Blair: Oh, so Nate gets the free pass and I’m the slut?
Serena: Tell me you didn’t sleep with Chuck for revenge.
Blair: Well it’s not because I like his natural musk. And besides, nothing hurts more than sleeping with a best friend. Right S?
Serena: Way to prove a point.
Blair: Well I learned from the master.
Serena: If you’re sleeping with Chuck, I’d say the student’s become the master.
Blair: Are you jealous? You didn’t get to sleep with him first? There had to be somebody left on the Upper East Side.
Eric: Even if you did cook, we don’t have an oven.
Lily: Preaching to the converted, Eric.
Lily: There’s nothing wrong with having Chinese food on Thanksgiving. Jews have been doing it on Christmas since forever. Look, a pumpkin. It’s festive, yes?
Eric: We’re going to eat a pumpkin?
Serena: So you couldn’t make it past the salad, huh?
Dan: I opened the cranberries. My work is done. How’s Blair’s?
Serena: I wouldn’t know, She gave me the boot.
Dan: Wh- She kicked you out of her house? What happened now?
Serena: Uh, don’t ask. But the good news is, my mom is gonna slice us up a pumpkin. Oh, and there’s a duck.
Dan: No no no. You can’t eat duck and raw pumpkin on Thanksgiving.
Lily: These smell great.
Eric: Yes. So we can starve in a fragrant hotel room.
Eleanor (Margaret Colin): Laurel brought one of the models I’m working with.
Harold (John Shea): Do I know her? What’s her name.
Eleanor: His name? Is Roman.
Harold: Ah. Roman.
Eleanor: Not this one, Harold. We have to work together.
Nate: So what’d I miss?
Harold: Hm. Nothing. You’re about to witness the return of Sober Serena.
Nate: Oh no. Oh no.
Harold: Maybe not. Sweetie, would you take her upstairs, put her in the bath, before your mother gets wind of this whole situation?
Eleanor: Everyone is getting ready for our lovely dinner. And you should be too.
Blair: Everyone except Daddy. Where is he?
Eleanor: I thought you knew.
Blair: Knew what?
Eleanor: Your father isn’t coming. He didn’t tell you?
Dan: Man with Van, at your service.
Dan: Bold choice of attire, Mrs. Van der Woodsen. Unless it’s what they’re wearing on the runway these days.
Dan: I’m not taking no for an answer. In fact I’m not even asking. You are coming with us. I’m adult-napping you.
Lily: Fine. Just. Stop talking and I’ll get ready.
Dan: Make it snappy. I’m double-parked. Thanks.
Rufus’ Voicemail: Hey, Rufus Humphrey. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.
Lily: Rufus, it’s Lily. Um, your very-persistent son insisted that I join you for dinner. I want to remind you that my kids do not know that we are friendly and I’d like to keep it that way. That said, I look forward to seeing you.
Lily: I am sorry. I did not know that you were—
Alison (Susan Misner): Back? Well I am. And why would you know?
Lily: Well Dan never mentioned it when he invited me. {to Rufus} I called.
Rufus: I didn’t hear the phone.
Eleanor: When are you going to get it through your head? He left us.
Blair: He left you.
Dan: You were talking about your ranch.
Jenny: Did you have any horses?
Lily: Yes, I had a few. Um, I had my own. Rosewood.
Jenny: My dad has a song called Rosewood.
Rufus: Oh, but no, not that Rosewood.
Dan: I completely forgot about that song!
Jenny: Yeah, it’s about my mom, you know. ‘Cause she had this perfume that she always wore. It was rose and —
Dan: Sandalwood.
Jenny: Sandalwood. It was like her own personal scent.
Alison: I’m a fool.
Rufus: You’re not a fool.
Dan: Raise your hand if you’re over thirty and acting really weird right now.
Serena: Blair’s not the boss of me.
Nate: Are you new here? Because Blair’s the boss of all of us. Seriously, Serena. You smell like the floor of a brewery.
Serena: I do not.
Nate: Yes. You do.
Serena: Oh my god! Yes I do! Brewery floor with a hint of secondhand smoke.
Nate: And a pint of Old Spice.
Serena: I totally need a bath.
Nate: Yeah, you do.
Serena: Blair’s a bossy genius.
Dan: So what was so bad about her? And I mean aside from the superior fluttering eyelids and the punishing sarcasm.
Alison: Well, she was your dad’s first great love. As she liked to remind me every chance she got. It was kinda hard to compete with that.
Rufus: Lily, these past few weeks have been…
Lily: Have been what? You can’t even say it, can you?
Rufus: I can. But I shouldn’t.
Harold: Serena, you look wonderful. That shirt was made for you.
Serena: Actually, it was made for you.
Harold: I knew there was I reason I liked it.
Anne Archibald (Francie Swift): Your father and his headaches. Probably took a vicodin and forgot. Had some whiskey and next thing —
Nate: Mom, seriously. Did you hear anything the doctor said? With what he took he could have cured thirty headaches.
Nate: Mom, he’s got a problem. And ignoring it almost killed him.
Anne Archibald: Oh no, this is not my fault.
Nate: I’m not blaming anybody.
Anne Archibald: You can blame whoever you want, but not me.
Anne Archibald: All he had to do was sit behind a desk, put on a suit, and not get arrested. And he couldn’t manage to do that. You want me to give him more responsibility in this family?
Serena: Hey guys, I’m back and I brought Blair.
Blair: Hey.
Serena: Wow. Weird vibe. Okay. Where’s Dan?
Dan: There’s no chance we’re related, right?
Jenny: Oh, look at Eric’s roots.
Eric: What do you mean? What’s wrong with my roots?
Jenny: They’re kind of Rufus-like, doncha think?
Blair: You know what’s really weird? There is a garage door in the middle of your room.
Alison: I think we’re splitting hairs here, Rufus. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one.
Lily: Oh please. Nobody’s buying that. Emotional affairs are necessary to keep a marriage alive.
Alison: And how many times have you been divorced?
Rufus: Allison, this is not about Lily. This is about you and me.
Alison: Exactly. And if we’re going to have any chance then she can’t be here.
Lily: What, for Thanksgiving? Or ever? Oh you can’t be serious.
Alison: I am.
Blair: If you think about it, it makes total sense that your mom is a groupie. I mean only a woman that had completely satisfied her sexual appetite in her youth would ever marry your step-dads.
Serena: Blair, can we not talk about my mom’s appetite?
Dan: Or who satisfied it?
Serena: Is that really necessary, mom? From what I hear you have been in places far dirtier than this.
Dan to Blair: See you later, Waldorf.
Eleanor: Blair, I know I shouldn’t have lied to you about your father.
Blair: That never stopped you before.
Eleanor: True. But the real truth. Divorce papers. From your father. I’m supposed to sign them. I haven’t yet.
Blair: Mom. He’s living in Europe. With a man. You can’t be all that surprised that he wants a divorce.
Eleanor: I’m not. But what I am surprised about is how it makes me feel. He was my husband, after all. He was my Harold. For almost twenty years. I couldn’t face him during the holidays. It was always our happiest time.
Blair: Why didn’t you just tell me that?
Eleanor: Let you choose between the two of us? I wonder who would have won that battle. I would have been entirely alone. Although… I was anyway.