Gossip Girl: “What’s the difference between gossip and scandal?” So glad you asked, UESForever. Anyone can commit a minor indiscretion and generate a day’s worth of buzz. But in order to birth a true scandal, it requires the right person to be in the wrong place. Take one It Girl on a pedestal. Add a crowd eager to see her fall. And give them the means to knock her down.
Eric: Is there something you want to tell me?
Serena: Am I that obvious? Yes, actually. That hair color is all wrong for you.
Eric: That’s funny. This isn’t.
Serena: Did you get my text?
Blair: Of course. Yes, I did.
Serena: So then you know I told Dan I’m not pregnant.
Blair: Yes. And I am so happy for you. Close call, huh?
Serena: Are we really gonna play that old game, B?
Blair: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Serena: Whenever something happens that’s not a part of your plan you pretend like it doesn’t exist. You act like you’re in this movie about your perfect life then I have to remind you the only one watching that movie is you. You admitted that your period was late.
Blair: Yes. I’ve been very stressed. I had that chem test on Friday.
Serena: And you acted like a total bitch because you’re not hormonal.
Blair: Maybe I am a total bitch. Did you ever think about that?
Serena: Just take the test, B.
Blair: Stop it.
Serena: Just take the test. You need to know if you and Chuck are going to have a baby.
Gossip Girl: And for a scandal to really blow up, all it needs is an unexpected turn.
Blair: Nathaniel Archibald. You’ve never asked me for anything. And here you are officially leaning on me. This time we’re going to be so much better together.
Nate: We already are.
Dan: Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. Then why isn’t he the one buying the test?
Serena: Because—
Dan: Because he’s an ass.
Serena: Who doesn’t know.
Dan: Why not? I mean, there’s no love lost between me and Chuck Bass but I gotta believe he deserves to know.
Serena: He does have this weird influence over her. Maybe he could talk her into taking the test.
Bex (Jill Flint): As I recall you had a wife in Hudson. That still true?
Rufus: She’s still there. I’m still here.
Serena: Hi Chuck.
Chuck: Please, call me Brother.
Serena: I need to talk to you.
Chuck: About getting knocked up? I must say I’m disappointed you weren’t more careful.
Serena: The pregnancy test wasn’t for me, it was for Blair.
Chuck: What?
Serena: She won’t take it. So given that if she’s pregnant you’re the—
Chuck: No. We used a condom.
Serena: Well obviously it broke.
Chuck: What is obvious is that your best friend has kept you in the dark.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Chuck: Like I said, I handle my business. Apparently Nate doesn’t. They slept together just after we did. It’s him you should be asking for help.
Rufus: I need to know how you and Jenny would you feel if I went out tonight for a drink with a woman.
Dan: Well I guess I’d feel like you shouldn’t wear that shirt or there will not be a second date.
Serena: Anybody notice the weather today?
Blair: What?
Serena: Take a look outside, B. My First Response would be that the sky is a Clear Blue Easy.
Serena: I took a public bullet for you, let another rumor about me run rampant. The whole school heard, even Dan.
Eleanor (Margaret Colin): What’s going on?
Serena: Ask Blair. Her version of the story’s always better.
Blair: I’m not pregnant. I command myself not to be pregnant.
Blair: I took the test. I’m not pregnant.
Serena: Oh, I’m so happy. I would have no idea what to wear to a paternity hearing.
Blair: Game over.
Chuck: Game’s not over ’til I say it is.
Blair: Then have fun playing with yourself.
Gossip Girl: Looks like the Virgin Queen isn’t as pure as she pretended to be. [If Blair Waldorf lied about that what else might she be lying about?] Who’s your Daddy, B? Baby Daddy that is. Two guys in one week? Talk about doing the nasty. Or should I say, being nasty?
Nate: Did you sleep with her, huh? You son of a bitch, I could kill you.
Chuck: Could we talk about this without your hands around my neck?
Nate: What did you do, did you get what you want like all those other girls?
Chuck: Yes, Nathaniel. I took what Blair kept throwing at you and you kept throwing back.
Nate: Oh, so somehow you screwing Blair for sport is my fault?
Chuck: It wasn’t for sport. She needed someone and I was there.
Nate: Oh, so you cared about her?
Chuck: You guys were broken up.
Nate: For how long? A week? An hour?
Chuck: Look, I’m sorry, alright. I know how long you and I have been best friends, okay?
Nate: No it’s not okay, Chuck. From now on you stay away from me.
Nate: What are you doing here?
Blair: Your mom let me in.
Nate: I didn’t ask how you got in, I asked why you came.
Blair: To talk. About us.
Nate: There is no us, Blair.
Blair: Yes there is. We finally really have a chance to start over.
Nate: You know all this time I felt so bad for everything I’d done. And when you said you wanted to leave the past in the past I didn’t know we were talking about your past.
Blair: You had just broken my heart. I made a decision I was in no condition to make.
Nate: But you’re clear-headed now, right?
Blair: Yes.
Nate: Then understand perfectly when I say I want nothing else to do with you, Blair.
Blair: You told your low rent boyfriend and he told his social climbing sister who wears my hand-me-downs and she blabbed to Nate.
Blair: I can’t believe you don’t get it. The rules are different for the Serena van der Woodsens of the world. People expect you to party, and be wild, sleep with whoever you want, run away, come back.
Serena: Wait, are we really going back there?
Blair: You shot your reputation to hell a long time ago. It doesn’t matter what you do. But I’m a Waldorf.
Serena: Well since you and your reputation obviously don’t need me and my low rent taste, you and the Waldorf name can weather this storm alone.
Blair: With pleasure.
Penelope (Amanda Setton): Blair, given that you can barely manage your own messy affairs surely you’re not in a position to tell anyone where they can and can’t eat.
Blair: Do you realize who you’re talking to?
Hazel (Dreama Walker): You mean a self-righteous bitch who always sat on her own high horse judging everyone else?
Penelope: Pregnant little hypocrite.
Blair: Not that it’s any of your business but I’m not pregnant.
Hazel: Nate must be thrilled.
Penelope: Chuck too.
Penelope: Consider yourself dethroned. Queen B.
Blair: Jenny. It is highly unlikely that I will ever forgive you for going to Nate. But if you walk away from me now I will also ruin you.
Jenny: How are you gonna do that?
Serena: Did you tell Jenny about Blair and Chuck?
Dan: No. No, of course not.
Serena: Well you’re the only one I told.
Dan: And I didn’t tell anybody.
Serena: How can I know that?
Dan: Because I gave you my word. Because I love you.
Serena: What?
Dan: I love you. And not just because I thought you were pregnant. And not the way you like some random guy who picks up your lit paper. Or some girl who likes your hair.
Serena: Okay.
Dan: Okay. The response is not “okay”.
Serena: I’m such an ass.
Eric: Let me guess, Dan?
Eric: Do you know how many times I was listening in on your conversations when you thought I wasn’t?
Serena: None, I hope.
Eric: You hope wrong.
Blair: I came to congratulate you in person. You ruined my relationship with Nate, Serena, all of my friends. Even little Jenny thinks she’s too good for me. So, bravo. Just like you wanted. I have no one to turn to but you.
Chuck: Actually, you don’t even have me.
Blair: Enough.
Chuck: I’ll try to be more succinct. You held a certain fascination when you were beautiful, delicate and untouched. But now you’re like one of the Arabians my father used to own. Rode hard and put away wet. I don’t want you anymore. And I can’t see why anyone else would.
Eleanor: You okay?
Blair: I’d be a lot better if I could spend a semester going to school in France.
Eleanor: A semester? Well, I already talked to Harold about a visit and he was thrilled.
Blair: So can I go?
Eleanor: Now?
Blair: Mom, please try.
Eleanor: Blair, I am very concerned.
Blair: So book a flight.
Eleanor: We’ll get you out tomorrow.
Blair: Thank you.
Bex: Despite your worst efforts, I am completely charmed by you, Rufus Humphrey.
Rufus: Thanks. I think.
Bex: Okay. Here’s where we are. Dating 101: Lesson One. In two days you are going to call me and thank me for forgiving you of your dating faux pas. You’ll ask me out to dinner. Some place elegant, but intimate. And we are going to have a fabulous time. Got all that?
Rufus: Absolutely.
Bex: Good. Talk to you in two days.
Rufus: Two days.
Bex walks away until her phone rings: Hello?
Rufus on the phone: I never was good at following rules.
Dan: Well if you want to talk about why—
Serena: It has to do with my mom and her many marriages.
Dan: There. That’s why. Because I actually like it when you interrupt me. Which is often, by the way.
Dan: You’re also completely unaware that you laugh like a four year old.
Serena: Stay. Don’t let some stupid scandal make you run away. Like it does with everyone in our world.
Serena: You’re a Waldorf, remember? People don’t tell you who you are. You tell them.
GG: One good scandal deserves another. Wonder who’s going down next? Everybody, if B has anything to say about it. You know you love me. XOXO Gossip Girl