Gossip Girl: I bet you’re wondering what Gossip Girl is doing up so early. Truth is, I never went to bed. Why waste precious time dreaming when waking life is so much better.
Jenny: So the real question is, though, how are you?
Dan: Me? Why wouldn’t I be okay?
Jenny: You know, at the end of the night with Serena and the, ah,*waves awkwardly*.
Dan: Was it really that bad?
Dan: I think I have brain damage.
Jenny: You know, Dan, if you had brain damage you wouldn’t even know you had brain damage.
Eric: So he waved? I wouldn’t have taken him for a waver.
Serena: Maybe he was just trying to be funny.
Eric: Maybe he’s shy.
Serena: Or he hated me.
Eric: No guy in the history of the world has ever hated you.
Dan: She probably thinks I hate her now. I’ve waited my entire adolescent life for a date with this girl. You know, Serena van der Woodsen. And I decide to close the evening with a wave.
Jenny: It was a nice wave.
Dan: At the end of a date? C’mon. There’s no such thing. You only get one shot with a girl like Serena. I got mine and I blew it.
Jenny: Which means you have nothing to lose.
Dan: Nothing except my last shred of dignity.
Jenny: Oh no. I think that’s gone.
Nate: That kid popped you pretty good, huh? Never mess with a guy’s sister.
Chuck: If I knew his name I’d hunt him down and kill him.
Nate: What, ’cause you kill people now? You gonna strangle him with your scarf?
Chuck: Don’t mock the scarf, Nathaniel. It’s my signature.
Nate: I’m just saying: death by scarf. Not that intimidating.
Chuck: He sucker punched me. I told you. Besides, better a broken nose than a broken heart.
Nate: What? I didn’t even talk to Serena last night.
Chuck: Who said anything about Serena?
Gossip Girl: Looks like the table’s all set. As soon as the guests arrive we can start dishing. Here’s what’s on the menu.
Serena: Mom, I can’t find anything!
Lily: It would help if you unpacked. Look you’re home now. It’s your life, you should start living it.
Serena: This is not life. This is a hotel. Which we are living in because you decided you didn’t like the color of the walls in our real home.
Lily: I know how hard it is for you to be back, but the more you hide yourself away the more people are going to think you have something to hide.
Serena: Coming from someone who’s keeping my brother in an institution.
Lily: That’s different.
Dan: Hey, how you doing? I was in yesterday with Serena.
Dexter (Andrew Stewart-Jones): How could I forget.
Dan: Yeah, well. Um. Is she in?
Dexter: Just missed her actually, but you’re welcome to wait.
Dan: Okay. Maybe I will. She probably won’t be that long, right?
Dexter: Once she went out and didn’t come back for six months, but feel free to sit. Over there.
Nate: Is Serena in?
Lily: Oh, you just missed her, but I’ll tell her you came by. I’m sure she’ll be happy to hear it.
Nate: I don’t know about that.
Lily: Oh, what? Come on, Serena loves you. I mean I think she’s always had a little crush on you. Of course you and Blair are the perfect couple.
Nate: Hm. Is Serena going to be long? I could just wait.
Lily: Oh. Well Dexter here can take care of you. I’m just going to step out for awhile and Nate’s going to wait for Serena.
Dexter: Great. He can get in line behind that guy.
Lily: I had a feeling you’d be back. Dan, is it?
Dan: Humphrey. Yes. It’s nice to see you again, Mrs. van der Woodsen. Hope you’ve had a pleasant, ah, twenty-one hours since I last saw you.
Lily: Yes it has been very pleasant. Until now.
Serena: Hey. I got two bone-dry capps and Audrey.
Blair: I must have totally blanked on the part where I invited you over.
Serena: I called you. Blair, it’s Sunday morning. Coffee, croissants, Breakfast at Tiffany’s. It’s our tradition.
Blair: I have new traditions now.
Serena: Well they’re not traditions if they’re new.
Serena: Look Blair. I’m really trying to make an effort here. I thought everything was good between us.
Blair: It was. Before I found out you had sex with my boyfriend.
Serena: How’d you find out?
Blair: Nate told me. At least he felt he owed it to me to tell the truth.
Serena: I don’t know what to say.
Blair: Don’t bother saying anything. I wouldn’t believe you anyway.
Serena: Blair, it was—
Blair: You know, I always knew you were a whore. I never took you for a liar too.
Serena: Blair. How can I fix this?
Blair: You don’t. Serena. You just stay away. From me. My boyfriend. And my friends. You’re done here.
GG: Serena’s visit was short. And apparently not very sweet. But you know what is? Revenge. We hear it’s best served cold. Who’s hungry?
Jenny: Is he saying things? Is anyone?
Blair: Hm… no. Not yet anyway. Chuck likes to brag about his conquests, not his victims.
Jenny: Nice flowers.
Blair: They’re hydrangeas.
Lily: Just coffee, I’m not staying long. I’d like to get out of here before someone throws me down and tattoos me.
Rufus: This is Brooklyn, Lil. Not the Warped Tour. And don’t tell me you had all your tattoos removed.
Rufus: Admit it, you’re falling for me again.
Lily: You’re right. It’s the low income tax bracket, the bad v-neck shirts, the awful jokes. I don’t know why your wife left you.
Rufus: Well she’s got better taste than you. I mean come on, why else have I seen you more in the last few days than in the last fifteen years?
Lily: An unfortunate twist of fate.
Dan: So, ah… what did you need to talk to Serena about?
Nate: Oh, just in the neighborhood. You?
Dan: I’m, ah, nowhere near the neighborhood but I’m working on a better excuse.
Nate: Are you guys like…. ?
Dan: Oh, I ah, I don’t know.
Nate: That’s Serena. With her you’ll never know.
Dan: Look man, I live in Brooklyn, not the Ozarks. No offense to the Ozarks. But don’t you think we’re taking this class warfare thing a little too far.
Chuck: This isn’t over.
Dan: Hey, any time man. That one black eye looks a little lonely.
Blair: If you want to be part of this world, Jenny, people will talk. Eventually. You need to decide if all this is worth it.
Dan: I was in the neighborhood. Give or take seventy blocks. I just wanted to tell you in person that the end of last night may not have been my finest hour. There was a, ah… a wave.
Serena: I saw that.
Dan: Yeah. And since then I’ve been wondering, ah… are you hungry?
GG: Looks like Chuck and Blair showed up with quite an appetite. For destruction, that is.
Rufus: Where’d you get the dress?
Jenny: Oh, it was a thank-you gift from Blair for doing the party invitations.
Rufus: Looks like a very expensive thank-you gift.
Jenny: Dad. She has a closet the size of this apartment full of them. See, her mom designed it.
Rufus: And her mom is very talented, but the dress you made for yourself is much nicer.
Jenny: Which is why you don’t wear dresses.
Rufus: One of a couple reasons.
Jenny: Hey, you think the Farmer’s Market is still open?
Rufus: Yeah, why? You wanna go?
Jenny: Yeah.
Rufus: I thought you were getting too old to go places with your dad.
Jenny: Well you used to be cool. And the 90s are having a comeback.
Rufus: Yo have no idea how much that hurts.
Dan: Well I can’t say much for his child-rearing skills, but Bart Bass knows brunch.
Dan to the living statue: Hey. How’s it going? No? Yeah, okay. Just go ahead, do your thing.
Bart Bass (Robert John Burke): The invitation said black tie, not black eye. Are you okay? I mean, if you’re in some kind of trouble—
Chuck: Only of my own making.
Bart Bass: Why do you think I do all this? Huh? This party is for you, okay, so you can meet people. You know, become a part of something, make some kind of change.
Chuck: Really? I thought it was another excuse for an open bar and, ah, rehiring of the nearly-nude statues.
Bart: Do me a favor, will you? Lose the Scotch. It’s barely noon.
Nate: Serena, I really need to talk to you.
Serena: Actually I need to talk to you, which means you can listen. Nate, you told Blair. What were you thinking?
Nate: Look, I want to explain. We can’t talk here.
Serena: What, where Blair might see us?
Nate: Meet me in Chuck’s suite.
Serena: I’m not sneaking around with you.
Nate: Please. Just to talk.
Serena: Ten minutes.
Nate: Dad, not everything in life’s a business deal.
Mr. Archibald: Come talk to me in thirty years.
Blair: I can’t believe Serena came to this brunch. I told her to stay away.
Chuck: You worried about Nate? Just a shot in the dark. I think you know what you need to do to get his attention.
Blair: And what’s that?
Chuck: The key to my suite, Nate’s heart and your future happiness. I’m honored to be playing even a small role in your deflowering.
Blair: You’re disgusting.
Chuck: Yes I am, so why be shy.
GG: Spotted: N and B, hot and heavy in the halls of the Palace Hotel. Only to find S already waiting. Sparks were flying for sure, but will it be a three way or D-Day?
Blair: You said you’d never speak to her again!
Serena: You said that? Why would you say that?
Blair: Because you can’t be trusted.
Nate: It’s not Serena’s fault.
Blair: Do not defend her!
Nate: I asked her to come.
Blair: Oh. Oh, so you do want to talk to her?
Nate: Yes. Yes! To explain why I’m not talking to her.
Blair: Maybe I’ll leave you two to finish that fascinating conversation.
Serena: Oh. No no, I’ll go. Let you guys get back to your quickie.
Blair: It wasn’t a quickie! Sex is actually kind of a big deal to some of us.
Serena: Oh yeah. I can see that. Chuck’s bed. Very romantic. Classy too.
Blair: Like you? I’ll bet your new friend Dan would love to hear about how classy you are. {she leaves}
Serena: Dan? What, you really think she would tell him?
Nate: It’s Blair.
Bart: Well it just seems to me that you’re the one who doesn’t want to be seen together in public.
Lily: I do want to be seen together, I just don’t want to see you with anyone else. Tell your harem of shop girls and models that you’re seeing someone.
Bart: I am, but those conversations take a little time.
Lily: Well they’ve got nothing but time, Bart. They’re 25.
Lily: Look, I really don’t appreciate your lurking in the shadows, eavesdropping on my private conversation.
Dan: What? No no. I wasn’t. I was looking for Serena.
Lily: Well I don’t see her, do you?
Dan: No. Which is why I was looking.
Lily: I don’t know what you’re doing here or what you think you heard—
Dan: Nothing. I heard nothing.
Lily: But Serena doesn’t know.
Dan: And neither do I, okay? So now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back inside, not tell anyone a thing, and mind my own business.
Blair: Hi. I’m Blair Waldorf, Serena’s friend.
Dan: Oh hey. Yeah. Do you happen to know where she is?
Blair: As a matter of fact I do.
Serena: Blair!
Dan: Serena, there you are. Where were you?
Blair: She was waiting in a hotel room. For my boyfriend.
Serena: To talk.
Nate: About why we weren’t talking.
Blair: That doesn’t sound any smarter the second time.
Dan: Why weren’t you talking? Does this have anything to do with why you were waiting for Serena this morning?
Blair: You were what?
Chuck: And here I thought you were waiting for me.
Dan: Oh, exactly what this situation needs: Chuck. Now what is going on here?
Blair: We were just getting to that.
Serena: Blair, please. Don’t do this.
Blair: Sorry. Did you want to tell him?
Chuck: I’ll tell him.
Serena and Nate: You know?
Chuck: I know everything.
Dan: And apparently I know nothing.
Serena: Look, Dan, it was a long time ago and I regret it.
Chuck: Look, Serena, stop trying to pretend you’re a good girl. So you slept with your best friend’s boyfriend. I kind of admire you for it.
Dan: Is that true?
Blair: Oh, then she ran away. And lied about it. I just thought you should know. Before you fall head over heels for your perfect girl in her perfect world and then get left all alone with no one but your Cabbage Patch kid.
Nate: Cabbage Patch?
Dan: Did you talk to my sister?
Chuck: Ah, yes. Little Jenny. I do believe she and I have some unfinished business.
Dan: You stay away from her.
Chuck: Poor Daniel. So little time, so many sluts to defend. {Dan pushes him}
Dan: It’s fine, it’s fine. Everyone can stop looking. He’s a jerk. But it’s my fault and I’m leaving.
Serena: I’ll go with you.
Dan: Actually I prefer if you didn’t.
Nate: I hope you’re happy.
Blair: Not even close.
Chuck: Looks like it’s just you and me. Apparently my room’s available.
Gossip Girl: Some might call this a fustercluck, but on the Upper East Side, we call it Sunday afternoon.
Serena: Dan! Dan, wait. I’m so sorry!
Dan: There’s no need to be. Really, I shouldn’t have come here today. I made a mistake.
Serena: No, you didn’t. Look, I’m sorry about Blair and Chuck.
Dan: It’s not about Blair or Chuck. I mean it is, but it’s not just them.
Serena: No, I know. Trust me, I know. This world is crazy.
Dan: Yeah, it is. And you’re part of it.
Serena: What, you didn’t know that?
Dan: I don’t know, I thought you were different.
Serena: Well I’m sorry I’m not who you thought I was. But what’s happened is in the past. And all I can do is try to change. But if you can’t accept that, you know, you’re not who I thought you were. Well I guess we both made mistakes.
Dan: Did you tell Blair Waldorf about Cedric?
Jenny: I… It may have come up.
Dan: You can’t trust those people, Jen. Don’t tell them anything.
Nate: Look Blair, either you try to forgive me and we move on, or we end it.
GG: Well Serena’s mystery man is a mystery no longer. His name is— ugh, who cares? Now that he and S are over so are his fifteen minutes. But his sister Jenny was spotted with a new dress. Gifted from Blair herself. Everyone knows an Eleanor original is the uniform of B’s private army. But will J be a loyal soldier, or will she side with S’s rebel forces? And as for S herself, we hear that she left today’s brunch with no friends, no boy and nowhere left to run. It looks like the ultimate insider has become a total outsider. It’s your move, Serena. And you know who’ll be watching: Gossip Girl.