Season One
Steve Crosetti (Jon Polito): Mr. Becker ducked. But he didn’t duck good enough.
Meldrick Lewis (Clark Johnson): Lost art, ducking.
Crosetti: Ah, Miss Withers, is your Aunt Calpernia the beneficiary on your life insurance.
Dollie Withers: She says you gotta prepare for the unexpected. She says, Look at all the tragedy I got in my life with my husbands. Life is a veil of tears, is what she calls it.
Crosetti: How many husbands has she had?
Dollie Withers: Five.
Crosetti: Five husbands.
Dollie Withers: She’s had a lot of tragedy. A lot of tragedy.
Crosetti: And, ah, she’s had life insurance on all them.
Dollie Withers: Thank the Lord.
Crosetti: Praise God.
Lewis: Praise Him.
Lewis: That’s a pretty cheap looking casket, ain’t it?
Cemetery Manager: Styrofoam! Buried like a hamburger.
Lewis: He looks a little small. Like a prune or something. Don’t you think he looks heavier in the picture?
Cemetery Manager: Nobody stays fat down there.
Crosetti: That’s the problem with damn sex offenders. They multiply like amoebas. Split in half—
Lewis: Look who just got released. Adison. Remember him? Career rapist.
Crosetti: Oh yeah. Didn’t he have a tattoo on his johnson?
Lewis: Yeah. “Mother.”
Crosetti: I think I know who did it.
Lewis: Who?
Crosetti: Jeff Davis.
Lewis: Who’s that?
Crosetti: Jefferson Davis. President of the Confederate States of America.
Lewis: You still trying to figure out who whacked Abe Lincoln?
Crosetti: I told you, we can solve this thing!
Lewis: You got a one-track mind, leads to an empty depot.
Crosetti: You got toilet paper over there?
Lewis: No.
Crosetti: You got… five ones for a five?
Season Two
Lewis: You go when you’ supposed to go, and everything else is homicide.
Season Three
Season Four
Kellerman: You know, he shouldn’t leave a department vehicle running like that.
Lewis: Yeah. Could get stolen.
Kellerman: Lieutenant said take the first car in.
Lewis: We shouldn’t.
Kellerman: You’re right.
Lewis: Grand theft auto, baby.
Pembleton: You sons of bitches!
Lewis: Hey, look. It’s Mr. Sunshine!
Everyone: Frankie!
Pembleton: Oh, no no no. I’m tired of being the only one around here who gives a damn. You’re looking at the new Frank Pembleton. Budding Republican and practicing selfish bastard. Savior of no one but himself. {to the bartender} Shot of Gold Natty Bo. This is the new me.
Russert: Careful, Frank. You know some day you’re going to run for mayor and rue those words.
Rodzinski: Now Russert, she was double-demoted from Captain and what I hear about Munch he’s some kind of ex-hippie or something.
Meldrick Lewis (Clark Johnson): They’re good cops.
Rodzinski: That’s not what I’m saying.
Lewis: Then what are you saying?
Rodzinski: I want to find out who murdered my father and I don’t want this investigation to get hung up, you know? It’s gotta be done right.
Lewis: It’ll be done right.
Rodzinski: Will you make sure of that?
Lewis: Yeah, I’ll make sure of that.
Tim Bayliss (Kyle Secor): Half a sandwich with Kellerman’s name on it.
Lewis: Take it. He won’t be in until Monday. He’s best man at his cousin’s wedding up in Wisconsin.
Frank Pembleton (Andre Braugher): Ah, trust Kellerman to have relatives in the Dairy State.
ME Diane: You ordered a crime scene, gentlemen.
Lewis: Crime scene. More like a dump job to me. No pun intended.
Lewis: Well the good news is I have no problem whatsoever chopping this squirrel off.
Kellerman: What’s the bad news?
Lewis: Kenny Damon. It’s the son of a bitch that killed Jake Rodzinski’s father.
Kellerman: Oh man. The boss is gonna be all over our ass. We better take our time and do this scene right.
Lewis: Most definitely. Okay, Cecil B. DeBrodie. Start videotaping away for posterity.
Gee reading Lewis’ evaluation: “Readily accepts and responds to supervision.”
Lewis: That’s my green sheet.
Gee: I think I made a mistake. I need an eraser. I think I made a mistake. Do you have a eraser?
Lewis: You don’t need an eraser, Gee.
Gee: I’d like to have one.
Lewis: Names stay red on that board all the time. Why not Damon?
Carol Rodzinski: He did it, didn’t he. He killed that guy.
Lewis: I don’t know. {they leave}
Carol Rodzinski: Sure you do.
Lewis: Did Bayliss ever mention to you that he was thinking about maybe leaving homicide?
Russert: No.
Lewis: Nah. Hm. Me neither. I guess he only confides in Kay.
Russert: So that’s what’s going on.
Lewis: Why don’t people tell me their life stories on trains? Why didn’t Bayliss open up to me? And Crosetti. I mean, I had no idea that Crosetti was going to kill himself. My own partner and I have no idea that he’s in that kind of pain. Why didn’t he come to me?
Lewis: Most people in here probably got rap sheets.
Kellerman: I’d say eighty percent.
Lewis: I’d say ninety.
Kellerman: Yeah? You’re on. Twenty bucks.
Lewis: You got it.
Kellerman: Basically he was trying to resign from the United States.
Lewis: You can do that?
Kellerman: You can try.
Lewis: Why steal one boot?
Lewis: I don’t know. Full moon over the New Moon Motel. Gotta mean something. That’s why you gotta catch the break, you know? Get the luck that you deserve served up to you on a big ol’ silver platter.
Lewis: These people ain’t got nothing to do with that murder.
Kellerman: Yeah. So?
Lewis: So why’d you make them wait in here?
Kellerman: Because they’re illegal.
Lewis: Last time I checked your badge didn’t say INS on it.
Lewis: New Moon Motel don’t look no better in the sunlight.
Lewis: Imagine that. Closed case we didn’t mean to close.
Lewis: I guess you didn’t happen to find a stray boot around here, did you?
Jennifer Wells: One thing I do remember about the man is that he liked to go around wearing just one boot. The man used to say, “Not every shoe has a mate.” He was weird. Even back then.
Lewis: Looks like we got us a potential red ball here.
Kellerman: Looks more like a gutter ball.
Lewis: Hey Frank. How’s the new kid?
Pembleton: Great great. How’s the new wife?
Lewis: Great.
Pembleton: Great.
Kellerman: Come on, Meldrick. Stay on the boat tonight.
Lewis: I love you, man. But I’m not in love with you.
Kellerman: Seriously. You don’t want to be alone.
Lewis: I got no problem being alone, Kellerman. I’ve been alone most of my life.
Lewis drops the red bowling ball off of the bridge into the water
Kellerman: You know. That ball was evidence. I’m going to have to go fish it out.
Lewis: Have fun. I’m gonna go find my wife.
Season Five
Kellerman: I just want you to know that I’m here for you. if you want a hug, I’d be happy to give you one.
Bayliss: A hug?
Kellerman: Yeah.
Bayliss: Do you and Lewis hug?
Kellerman: Yeah.
Bayliss: A lot?
Kellerman: No, not a lot.
Bayliss: But enough.
Kellerman: What do you mean?
Bayliss: Well, do you want Lewis to hug you more?
Kellerman: Forget I brought this up.
Bayliss: No, no, no. You brought up the hugging thing.
Lewis: …He told me, don’t you ever let some knucklehead stand on your corner and shame you. ‘Cause once you’ve done that, you’re done as a beat cop. So what he suggested I do, was that I take out my billy club and smack him upside the head so hard that everybody who heard it knows who had the last word. Luther, you’re on my corner.
Howard: What you got there, Brodie?
Brodie: It’s my documentary on the homicide unit. All you guys.
Lewis: You made a documentary about us?
Brodie: Yeah. I spent all year doing it.
Season Six
Gaffney: If I was running his shift, I’d be offering you a transfer.
Lewis: Respectfully speaking sir, if you were running his shift, I’d be taking it.
Bayliss: So the lawyers are talking, right?
Munch: Yeah.
Bayliss: I got it.
Stivers: C’mon Munch. A gunfight, a couple car chases you’ve got a movie deal. But Ed Danvers and his pals waving their briefcases at each other.
Lewis: Yeah. And who’s gonna line up to pay theater prices for that? That ain’t a movie. That’s Court TV.
Season Seven