1991
Henry: Hey Shawn. How was your day?
Young Shawn: Oh, the usual. Well, I’m headed up to my room to play Legend of Zelda.
Henry: Got a call rom your school awhile ago.
Young Shawn: Uh. You did?
Henry: Mm hm. It was the nurse and she said—and I quote, “Shawn tried to get himself declared insane today.”
Young Shawn: Huh. That’s weird. Wow. I must have been in a weird fog or something. Well, the good news is I’m feeling much better now.
Henry: Ah ah ah. Shawn. It’s not that simple. Now your principal wants to have a discussion with me about putting you on Ritalin.
Young Shawn: Oh, that’s not necessary. Let’s consider this an isolated episode, okay? I’m home now, I’ll get some rest. We’ll pick this up tomorrow.
Henry: Didn’t you have your quarterly project due today?
Young Shawn: Ah… Did I? Like I said, everything was such a blur.
Henry: Kitchen table. Now.
Present Day
Shawn: Let me get this straight. Lassie solves a case without any help. And throws a party for himself to celebrate?
Juliet: I am proud of him. And I think that his hard work should be congratulated.
Gus: I’ll eat to that.
Shawn: You’ll eat to anything.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Shawn: For starters, he made that banner himself.
Gus: Yeah, but the craftsmanship more than offsets the megalomania, Shawn.
Shawn: Alright, fine. He put crime scene photos above the punchbowl.
Gus: It’s called theming.
Gus: Does he think the TV can hear him?
Juliet: At this point it’s a strong possibility.
Lassiter: This verdict is an absolute travesty of justice!
Juliet: I am as outraged by it as you.
Lassiter: I busted my ass to nail this guy and now he gets to stay in a cushy mental hospital talking about his feelings instead of rotting in prison, busting rocks and building the cross country railroad.
Shawn: Wow. They can sentence you to go back in time?
Shawn: Why would someone pretend to be insane?
Gus: So he doesn’t have to go to prison.
Shawn: Sold.
Henry: Shawn does have a way of… sensing the truth.
Gus: And he’s the only one of us who could actually pass for someone in need of institutionalization.
Shawn: I’ll take that as a compliment.
Gus: I wouldn’t.
Henry: Lassiter, Shawn’s our best bet at putting Bethel behind bars.
Lassiter: Dammit. Alright, fine. But this is still my case and I’m running this operation. And I insist when we’re done, he stays an extra twenty-four hours for psychiatric evaluation.
Henry: How ’bout forty-eight?
Lassiter: Done.
Shawn: Don’t worry, Jules. I have a keen understanding for the inside of mental hospitals.
Juliet: Watching Girl, Interrupted six times doesn’t make you an expert.
Shawn: No, but seven does. Gus and I Netflixed it again last night.
Dr. Elliot (Gerard Plunkett): I’m in charge of pharmacology so I’ll make sure all your pills are sugar pills.
Shawn: Sweet. Literally.
Dr. Elliot: Your departmental profile suggests that the closest psychological identification for you would be narcissistic personality disorder.
Shawn: That’s a handsome disease.
Shawn: Dude, this place has electronic bidets. It’s like the Westin for insane people.
Gus: Why do I have to be Suggs?
Shawn: It’s the only thing that would fit. Besides, it’s like Gus backwards.
Shawn: I couldn’t help but notice you’re trying to quit smoking.
Bernie Bethel (Brad Dourif): How’d you know that?
Shawn: I’m the Magic Man.
Nurse McElroy (Molly Ringwald): Tell us about yourself, Shawn.
Shawn: Well. They tell me I’ve got something called narcissistic personality disorder. But the truth is this lustrous hair and dimpled chin are merely chapter one. I’m a veritable cornucopia of high-octane maladies. Such as outrageous intelligence syndrome, huh? And a little obsessive successful disorder.
Nurse McElroy: Goodness. I’ve never encountered a patient who suffers from so many diseases that don’t exist.
Shawn: Well they exist where I come from.
Nurse McElroy: And where is that?
Shawn: The future.
Shawn: I’m like the ice cream man except I have barbiturates! Ha!
Lassiter: You’ve only been here one day they’ve already got you in restraints?
Shawn: Oh come on. Dr. Elliot’s only making me wear these mittens to protect my cover.
Dr. Elliot: That and I was concerned Shawn might really be unstable.
Gus: Let me ask you something. If a dude kisses a crazy woman who thinks she’s a dude, is it the same thing as a dude kissing a crazy dude?
Shawn: That’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever asked me. And yes.
Shawn: Gus, there is one thing we have yet to consider.
Gus: What is that, Shawn?
Shawn: What if Bernie isn’t faking it at all.
Juliet: They have a pool here?
Shawn: Heated. And a gym with full nautilus. And a music room. And a leather tooling class. Spoiler alert: I’m making you a wallet.
Juliet: Oh my god. This is worse than my nightmare. You like it here.
Shawn: I gotta tell you, Bernie, I believe wholeheartedly that you are insane. Alright? Cuckoo. Six fat, sweet nuts to the wind.
Gus: That didn’t go the way you saw it in your head, did it?
Shawn: Not completely.
Juliet: Where’s Shawn?
Gus: Still at the hospital.
Juliet: Why did you leave him?
Gus: I was fired and immediately escorted off the property.
Juliet: Fired for what?
Gus: Well, after I helped Nurse McElroy calm down Bethel, I ran into Vivian and one thing lead to another and before you know it, we were holding hands. And then somebody ratted us out. I have a feeling it was that weasel Wendell, but I can’t rule out Frank.
Daniel Bethel (Matthew Harrison): Oh my god. Has something happened to my brother?
Lassiter: No no. He’s fine. Actually he’s insane. Or not. It’s hard to tell at this point.
Shawn: Dude. Frank is stacked.
Lassiter: Much as I hate to say it, it’s time to get Spencer out of the looney bin.
Juliet: That was the hospital. Shawn just broke Bethel out.
Lassiter: That’s your boyfriend.
Juliet: I know.
Shawn: Lavender? Really?
Nurse McElroy: My parents were hippies.
Gus: Evil hippies.
Shawn: Aren’t they all.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Shawn: They set stuff on fire.
Gus: “Accidentally.”
Nurse McElroy: I admit that I was paid to change Bernie’s dosage and give him ECT. But I did not kill Dr. Elliot. I swear. As far as this Zurn person goes, I’ve never even heard of him.
Shawn: How the hell did he get in?
Gus: You were supposed to check the house, Shawn.
Shawn: I wasn’t checking the house. You knew I was waiting over there to scare her.
Nurse McElroy: No! Please!
Daniel Bethel: Quiet!
Nurse McElroy: I have cats!
Daniel Bethel: I don’t care about your cats.