1991
Young Shawn: That’s Gus. He and I are going to the comic book convention.
Henry: Just be finished saving the world before the street lights come on.
Shawn answers the door and Gus comes tapping in.
Young Shawn: Where’s your costume?
Young Gus: I’m wearing it. I’m Tap Man. The tap-dancing super hero.
Young Shawn: Yeech. How is it that you always make the wrong choice between cool and stupid?
Henry: Hey hey! Shawn. Give Guster a chance to present his case for Tap Man.
Young Gus: Tap Man meets all the super hero requirements. Super power: rhythm. Alter-ego: mild-mannered dance instructor. Arch-nemesis: River Dance Man.
Henry: Wow. That is stupid.
Young Shawn: How does he fight?
Young Gus: Well, he confuses the bad guys with his quick syncopation, and grabs the tap sand from his trusty pouch and *Splat*! Right in the eyes.
Young Shawn: Come on, Let’s go. We’re already late.
Young Gus: To the Tapmobile! {he taps off}
Young Shawn: Are you sure no one can tell my true identity under this?
Henry: For your sake, let’s hope so.
Present Day
Shawn: Stop! Freeze! SBPD!
Gus: This is all your fault, Shawn.
Shawn: You’re the one that blew my cover.
Gus: No one told you to open the car door and set off the alarm.
Shawn: Why was the alarm on? We were still inside the car.
Gus: Inside the car not getting car-jacked and brutalized, thank you very much.
Shawn: Just hurry up. We catch these guys, we’re heroes.
Gus: No, we catch these guys we’ll be dead.
Shawn: You tricked me!
Gus: Come on, son, you tricked me!
Shawn: You come on, son.
Gus: Come on, son!
Shawn: Oh, come on, son!
Shawn: This is the last time I let you use your fast-twitch muscles as an excuse for anything!
Gus: You and I both know that’s not true.
Shawn: Dammit.
Shawn: Looks like somebody got to these guys before we did. {He finds a note} “The Mantis.”
Lassiter: What the hell’s this?
Gus: He’s too cheap to pay the caricature artist at the pier thirty dollars so he decided to get one this way.
Lassiter: That’ll be all. {to Shawn} You are done wasting our time.
Shawn: I’ll say when I’m done! Alright, I’m done wasting everyone’s time.
Spinny Headline: Masked Stranger Saves the Day Again / Psychic Detective Spencer Trips
Gus: See? It’s easy to read no matter how you spin it. I’m telling you, I’ll never buy a real paper again.
Shawn: I can’t believe you told them I tripped. You tripped.
Lassiter: Alright, that’s it. The last thing we need is a bunch of reporters twisting our words. Especially you copy monkeys at The Mirror. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about the whole Detective Dipstick incident.
Reginald (Miles Fisher): Chief, can you give us any information? What can you tell us?
Red Head: Have the Caminos really taken control of all cocaine production from rival gangs?
Chief Vick: No comment.
Bald Guy: Chief, who was the masked man?
Chief Vick: No comment.
Woman: Should other citizens follow his lead?
Chief Vick: Okay, that I’ll comment on. Vigilantism is a dangerous act. The art of apprehending criminals should be left to the police officers who have been adequately trained and equipped.
Reginald: Well then why does Detective Lassiter’s report say that the police consultant failed to apprehend the four suspects because he was quote, “Woefully out-of-shape”?
Shawn: I have a comment! I was tripped by my clumsy assistant, Watson Williams.
Gus: I am not your assistant and my name is not Watson Williams.
Shawn: Oh. But you do admit to tripping me.
Shawn: Sounds like you want to give this weirdo some kind of medal.
Juliet: Shawn, often times vigilantes are just good people who want to take back their neighborhood from a bad element.
Shawn: Sure. Charles Bronson. Real charmer. Eastwood in Gran Torino. There’s a guy you wanna hop in the tub with.
Juliet: You have to admit, he’s done a better job than we have of slowing down the Caminos, and he’s just one guy.
Shawn: I’m just one guy. And I’ve solved more crimes than I can count. Because I’ve solved a lot of crimes. Not just because I can’t count very high.
Shawn: Thanks a lot, Benedict Arnold Jackson.
Gus: I know what this is about. You’re jealous of all the attention The Mantis is getting. Especially from Juliet.
Shawn: Please. You think I care if Juliet gives another guy a little attention. How insecure do you think I am? {beat} Seriously. How insecure do you think I am?
Gus: He’s clearly emulating the everyman super heroes, like Batman and Iron Man. Besides, you shouldn’t criticize the guy without knowing his origin story.
Shawn: What’s the calendar you have on your desk? The one that’s all loony.
Gus: You mean lunar? It tracks the phases of the moon.
Shawn: It’s on, Mantis!
Gus: I’m not The Mantis, Shawn.
Shawn: You’re damn right you’re not. You could never be The Mantis.
Gus: You’ve got problems.
October 26
Lassiter: The Mantis took out four perps. Single handedly.
Gus: Again, without a gun or needless bloodshed. That is classic super hero moral code.
Gus: Whoever this brother is, he’s going to be hard to spot.
Shawn: You can’t just assume he’s a brother because he’s all mysterious and smooth.
Gus: You’ll see. He’s either a brother or Persian.
Shawn: I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.
Shawn: That’s quite a grip you have there, Scott. You must work out.
Scott Reynolds (Joey McIntyre): A little.
Shawn: Nah. Come on now. Feels like more than just a little. Doesn’t it, Gus?
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: Feel it.
Gus: I’m not feeling it.
Shawn: Feel the man’s fitness.
Gus: I’m not feeling—
Shawn: Do it.
Gus: Fine.
Shawn: It’s definitely him.
Gus: So what do we do next?
Shawn: I should probably go throw some lunch meat at the guys in the drunk tank.
Gus: After we prove he’s The Mantis?
Shawn: No, we do that first.
Juliet: I just gave you a set-up containing Mr. T, Crockett and a word that rhymes with Mork. And I got nothing. Not even a Battle of the Network Stars joke.
Gus: Do you expect anyone to believe that were actually The Mantis the entire time?
Shawn: Please! Of course I’m not The Mantis.
Shawn: First. I used a classic combat distraction mode.
Gus: You went boneless, didn’t you?
Shawn: I used my entire body as a weapon. After an epic—very evenly matched fight—he sucker-punched me. I woke up with the fire alarm blaring, wearing that ridiculous painted-on costume, which means… he saw me in my underwear.
Gus: You mean like on Diff’rent Strokes?
Shawn: Yes, Gus. Just like Diff’rent Strokes.
Gus: That’s not cool.
Gus: You had everybody fooled there for a second. Even though if you were The Mantis, I was going to have to bring back Tap Man.
Shawn: It’s still the stupidest idea for a super hero ever.
Reynolds: Listen, man. I’m sorry I acted all weird earlier. I’m just not used to getting hit on.
Shawn: You’re not… what?
Reynolds: Look, I’m flattered. But I don’t shoot that way.
Shawn: Hm. No bite marks, no scratches. And you have a tattoo of a bull mastiff.
Reynolds: That’s my Nana.
Shawn: Is she pretending to be a bull mastiff? Ah. I bet she’s stopping traffic in Heaven.
Reynolds: She’s not dead!
Shawn: Good talk.
Shawn: We’re dealing with a fake bust. The Mantis is padding his resumé and possibly his costume.
Juliet: His voice is really deep.
Shawn: I’ve heard deeper.
Gus: Really?
The Mantis: I also have reason to believe that a huge drug shipment to the Caminos is imminent.
Shawn: Ha! We already know that one. Suck it!
Juliet: Shawn, we’re all professionals.
The Mantis: Oh yeah? You suck it!
Shawn: You suck it! What kind of man takes off another man’s pants in a smokey boiler room? I’m on to all your little tricks, man.
Shawn: Well. He escalated the game alright.
Lassiter: Yeah. To murder.
Spinny Headline: The Mantis Wanted for Murder / Police on Citywide Manhunt
Shawn: Wow! Now I can read the newspaper and listen to my movie score play list at the same time.
Shawn: I guess I’m just a little giddy now that my nemesis has been exposed for the fraud that he was. And yes, I realize using the term “giddy” is a bit facetious, because the truth is, I am tickled pink.
Gus: The mantis is not your nemesis, Shawn. You don’t have an alter-ego, a cool suit or a tragically-ironic origin story. You’re just a hater.
Shawn: Look, we can’t find him. Unless we blast the Mantis Light into the sky, which would be pretty stupid, right? Because the mantis looks like a little stick that walks around.
Gus: You’re thinking of a walking stick.
Shawn: “Could not remove stain on sleeve.” Well, I could have told him that. Nothing gets out motor oil. Especially not more motor oil. Which I tried.
Gus: We’re here actually to help— Pow!
Shawn: Clear your— Bam!
Gus: Because we know— Oof!
Shawn: We know that you were— Leg swipe!
Gus: Cozened!— Slam!
Shawn: Nobody knows what cozened means. Slam!
Gus: Cozen is a fairly common word, Shawn.
Shawn: Why can’t you just be a normal person and say—
Gus: Framed? We know you were framed?
Reginald: You do?
Gus: Yeah.
Reginald: It’s amazing. Nobody’s gotten this close to figuring out who I actually am. Your psychic powers are amazing.
Shawn: Gus, we have to help him. He’s a good man.
Gus: Okay, so what really happened to the guy on the rooftop of the Baine building?
Reginald: That was Carlos Jacott. He’s my inside man with the Caminos.
Reginald: Yeah, I don’t know guys. I mean it’s one thing to fight one on four, but if we actually do find their distribution center it’s gonna be more like one on ten.
Shawn: What if you had help?
Gang Member: It’s The Mantis!
Shawn: The Catch.
Gus: And Tap-Man!
Gus: Shawn, I thought you said we were going to just scare them away. They don’t seem scared to me.
Shawn: That’s because you just went up on your toes and started dancing!
Shawn: The Catch is an impenetrable wall, Gus. And he will smack the mess out of you with this mitt.
Gus: Please.
Lassiter: Spencer, why are you wearing that ridiculous get-up? What are you supposed to be, anyway? The Turtle?
Shawn: I’m The Catch. Though I might have to borrow The Turtle if The Catch is already taken. That’s not bad, The Turtle.
Juliet: He really deserves all the credit.
Lassiter: I wouldn’t say that. Not that it isn’t true,
I just wouldn’t say it.
Shawn: Oh come on. You might like it if you try it.
Lassiter: I would rather spend the rest of my life at Lillith Fair.
Shawn: This was never about honor or justice. Or even Presidential fitness. You just wanted to take down the Caminos so you could steal their dirty money.
Reginald: I gotta say I’m impressed. You figured it out.
Shawn: The Catch can not be stopped! {he runs off}
Juliet: What? Where are you going? Shawn?
Gus: Dagnabit, Shawn.