Season One
Butch
Kyan Douglas: You know what I like about disposable razors? They’re disposable. throws them all away
John B.
Carson: You’re kind of like… not George Strait. George Gay.
Kyan Douglas nodding thoughtfully: I like that… George Gay.
John pulls out a blow dryer.
Kyan shocked: This is… this is news to me.
Andrew L.
Kyan: You sure you don’t wanna dip your M&M in this salsa?
John V.
Kyan: Would you cut your own toenail before you let it turn into a weapon?
Kyan: Hey, Jai, I found the culture. It’s in the bottom of the toothbrush holder.
Ted with helium balloon: Just breathe in a little bit.
Ayana: Hello!
Ted: How you all doin’.
Kyan: Oh my God. I got a great buzz off that!
John: This is so embarrassing. To be standing next to a gay guy in skivvies… disposable skivvies.
Kyan: Hey, you’re no Prince Charming either, big guy.
John: I’m not even looking at you. I don’t want to look that way.
Kyan looks shocked and offended: Are you serious? What’s gay about that? I mean over here it’s gay, but what’s gay about that?
John: ‘Cause I’m in skivvies next to gay guy… you just don’t understand.
later
Kyan: Can you make his penis look bigger?
John: Guy, why are you looking at my penis? Kyan cracks up.
George K.
Kyan on George’s hair: Even Bon Jovi knew when the moment was over, though.
Carson: How do you like that, I got the straight guy into the closet
Kyan: It was bound to happen sooner or later.
Thom: The tough part is getting him out of the closet.
Josh D.
Carson cuddling with Josh and Kyan: Look it’s a manwich!
Kyan nodding: It’s a manwich.
Carson: More than a meal.
Tom M.
Kyan is examining Tom’s blow-dryer.
Kyan: I know all about good blow jobs, and this isn’t it.
Alan C.
Watching Alan pour Katie’s dad a drink.
Kyan: Oh my goodness. 2/3 gin, 1/3 tonic.
Ted: What’s wrong with that?
Carson: Mom’s going to be taking her top off any minute now.
JEFF T.
Kyan: I’m getting in touch with my inner Pocahontas.
Kyan: What have we learned here today? That there is such a thing as too many dried flowers.
Steve S.
Kyan: looking in the shower You could put a harness in here. Good times.
Steven throws clothes out of the change room
Carson: Did you see that?
Kyan jumps on door
Kyan: You’d better be nice to my friend Carson!
Kyan: You have slutty hair.
Steve: I have slutty hair.
Kyan in a girls voice: Steven!
Steve: Mother?
Ross M.
Jai: He called you pretty boy. Are you going to take that?
Kyan: Yes… smiling Thanks.
Kyan: looking through the bathroom I know there’s got to be moisturizer here.
Kyan: showing Ross moisturizer Is this yours?
Ross: No. I’m not one for the whole moisturizing thing. Kyan sighs, exasperated
Later…
Kyan: showing Ross a facial scrub Ross, is this yours?
Ross: No. I don’t use [my girlfriend’s] stuff. Kyan sighs again
Later…
Kyan: looking at a brush I hope this is the girlfriend’s.
A Very Queer Eye Holiday
Kyan: Ted, really. You shouldn’t be running around like that at your age.
WHAT’S THAT SOUND:
The Making of the Queer Eye Music Video
The cast and crew take a break
Kyan: We could do a little power shopping.
Ralph S.
Ralph correcting Ted on hand signs: That means I love you in sign language. This means rock and roll.
Kyan giving Ralph the middle finger: You know what this means? Clean your toilet!
Kyan: to Ralph when he finds out he uses baby wipes: You’ll use baby wipes on your ass but you won’t moisturize your face? Get out of here!
As they exit
Carson: Rock and roll!
Thom: Don’t kill anybody!
Kyan: Lay off the strippers!
KEVIN D.
Kyan: His inspiration was Johnny Depp. Were you high?
John Z.
John’s plate matches Kyan’s heart t-shirt
Kyan: I heart your plates.
Carson: They should just stay home and make sweet, sweet love.
Kyan: You know, they really should.
Rob M.
Kyan comes in draped in a shower curtain
Kyan: There’s a good lesson here.
Rob: Don’t wear your shower curtain?
Kyan: That’s one of them.
Mark Fa.
Kyan holding up shot glasses: Hey you guys, we should toast with these later.
Thom: No no no no no no. We have to get rid of those.
Kyan: Really?
Thom: Yeah.
Kyan: It’s the mullet that won’t die!
Mark Fi.
Kyan talking about shooting 18 holes and then grabbing a drink at the 19th: You can go to the 20th hole after that, but I won’t say a word.
Season Two
Brandon & David B.
Kyan: And stay out of each other’s products.
How’s my hair?
It looks nice for once, actually.
Kyan: There was a compliment in there somewhere.
Ted: It’s called a bottle opener people!
Kyan: Use it!
Ted: Widely available!
David G.
Kyan: And then you stand in the shower with an electrical device. Which always seems like a good idea.
Michael C.
Kyan: His hair’s a little Something About Mary, I have to say.
Kyan: It’s the gays. They really get you to eat the potatoes.
Thom: Actually it’s not the gays. Have you ever been to a gay dinner party?
Phil R.
Kyan: You had a beer in the shower?
Phil: Oh, like you haven’t.
Kyan pauses and then cracks up
Phil: You know it’s funny, ’cause we were fixing the inside of my car and really it’s like we were fixing the inside of me.
Kyan: Did you just use a metaphor?! Oh my god, you used a metaphor!
Phil: Is that a beard trimmer?
Kyan in an exaggerated Brooklyn accent: It’s a beaard trimma.
Kyan: Oh my god. You’re getting more handsome by the second.
Kyan: Look! Here’s a beer. Why don’t you go have a shower.
Kyan: He just left all those beer bottles on the table.
Carson: And all the lights on. Doesn’t he realize our fossil fuels are dwindling?
Queer Eye for the Gay Guy
Kyan: There’s a disco shower curtain in here. Ted, have you seen this? This beats all the shower curtains I’ve ever come in contact with.
Kyan: These do not say, “I wanna get laid.”
Ted: Man does not live by croutons alone.
Kyan: Don’t you love happy endings?
Kyan: You know, we’ll have Thom carry up the bikes later on.
Carson: He is so an eye-roller.
Kyan: He is. It’s just always just drama with him.
John S.
Kyan: Do you participate in the whole poker thing?
The Son: Yeah, I usually beat him.
Kyan: Really?
The Son: Yeah, he gets drunk early and…
Kyan: Seriously?
Kyan: I am the genie. I grant you three wishes. No nose hair? I do it.
Carson: I want you to rub something.
Carson: I’m just in the closet.
Kyan: Oh, come out! Come out!
Kyan: Poker? I don’t even know her!
Kyan: I bet Jai!
Jai: I can’t be bet! You can’t bet humans!
John K.
The boys are all running to the house
Kyan: Ted, watch your hip!
Thom: Ted, be careful!
Kyan: It’s especially good to keep cardboard in the oven.
Kyan: You have power tools in your bathroom, dude.
Chris L.
Kyan: All I have to say to you, is “Pour me a glass of champagne, bitch.”
Kyan: Do you want what is in the trash can, or curtain number one?
Kyan: Why am I sitting next to Thom?
Thom: Because I’ve got a good personality and you don’t.
Kyan: Oh. That makes me feel so much better.
AL D.
Kyan: Who twists their ankle skiing on a bed? I do.
Thom: May the force be with you, Kyan.
Kyan: And also with you.
Kyan: Hey Carson, Thom, Jai, Ted!
Ted: That was a nice Jai impression.
Jai: Yeah that was a good impression of me.
ARI V.
Kyan: You have a small basket. That’s the unfortunate thing about this.
Kyan: Oh no I have all the time in the world. You go take your precious little time. Don’t worry about me!
Ari: Oh, I can feel a difference.
Kyan: That’s because it’s clean.
John W.
Ted: When Carson gets back I’m gonna put him in a ten-step couture program. Then I’m gonna kill him.
Kyan: I’m gonna kill him first, you kill him second.
Thom: Easy, killers.
Jai: We can dress John Williams from New Jersey!
Ted: Alright, everybody do a flip. everyone does a Carson hair flip
Kyan and Ted are talking in Irish accents
Kyan: I remember growing up as a wee little kid in the father land.
Ted: Ay.
Kyan: Rushin’ down the hills. And I almost fell and busted me collarbone, I did.
Ted: Was that what turned ya queer, was it?
Kyan: That’s what turned me homo.
Kyan: Buckle up, John. Thom can’t drive to save his life.
Steve P.
Ted: I think we’re all set for olive oil.
Kyan: Extra virgin. That doesn’t apply to you.
THANKSGIVING
Thom: You guys, I can’t wait to get home and set the table.
Kyan: Dude, that’s the gayest thing you’ve ever said.
Thom: It’s almost as gay as when I said I liked your hair.
A Very Queer Eye Christmas
Kyan: You guys have quite the litter there.
RAY S.
Kyan: Here. shoving a Life game at Jai. Get a life.
BRIAN M.
Kyan: I usually try to avoid hair care products that smell like bubblegum.
Brian: Really?
Kyan: Yeah.
Fragrance Guy: How does lavender sound? It’s a bit citrus-y, with a nice base of amber.
Kyan: Sounds like a stripper.
DARIN D. : LONDON
Kyan: Julie is addicted to thermal to thermal styling. You have a thermal styling addiction.
Kyan: We put the tail in “detail.”
BRUD L.
Kyan: I can’t believe a straight guy just made his own facial mask.
Ted: And the leftover mask would make a great smoothie.
Michael S.
Thom: That’s real ugly. And I wrote a song about it. would you like to hear it, here it goes—
Kyan: No.
Thom singing: —That old chest of drawers is so ugly. Looks like a hooker picked it out.
Kyan about the hummus prep: I think he’s going to the dark place.
Kyan about the couture: He’s going to that dark place again.
Kyan: Don’t laugh and point! Embrace!
Carson: Oh, I’d like to embrace him.
ALEX M.
Kyan: I feel so bad for him, because the brothers are identical twins and he’s fraternal.
Ted: I feel bad for the brothers because they’re named Aristotle and Socrates.
John D.
Kyan: How much can you know from a person through a webcam?
Carson: Actually…
Kyan: You know what the irony is? I think your haircut before was very gay. It took a gay guy to fix that.
Kyan: I am in my underwear! Come with me to the livingroom!
KORD S.
Kyan playing with a cigar cutter: For “cigars.”
Jai: Or emergency circumcisions.
Dr.: March in place.
Kyan: I can see you at the Gay Pride parade right now.
Kord: We’re here, we’re…
Kyan: Get used to it.
CAMERON A. : UNT
Kyan: Where’s the porn?
Thom: I think Tyler’s become like the grooming guru.
Kyan: I think he’s become like, the Kyan-in-training.
Kyan: Look at them. They’re not worthy. That’s really cool.
JOE H. : Dallas
Kyan: I’ve never had a haircut with a straight guy before.
Joe: Oh. I’ve never had a haircut with…
Kyan: …a gay guy before.
Joe: Right.
Kyan: So there you go.
SCOTT B. : Dallas
Kyan: The gays wear chaps too, but it’s a very different thing.
Season Three
Boston Red Sox
Kyan on a strand of Johnny Damon’s hair: I could sell this on eBay for like a thousand dollars, probably.
Kyan checking out Damon’s arms: Holy Moly. Nice work! high fives Michelle.
Kyan: Is there huge pressure to sort of pull it off next year or is it kind of like, “Okay, we did it.”?
Thom: It’s like, “We’ve got 86 more years!”
PAOLO P.
Kyan: Are you exhausted?
Sylvia: I’m very exhausted.
Kyan: Having five kids will do it to you, right? I have four of ’em and I’m exhausted.
Hector D.
Kyan about the garage: I love what you did to your living room!
Kyan on Hector Sr.’s golf swing: Hector, you suck as bad as I do!
Ted: He can actually gift wrap.
Kyan: You guys, they do a lot of gift wrapping in the Marines.
Carson: It’s part of their corps training.
Patrick M.
Carson: What’s your husband’s name? I don’t know, what is it? Is it Dick? I thought so!
Sheila: I can’t say it!
Carson: You can say it!
Kyan: It’s like Richard.
Carson: He’s your Dick.
Sheila: He’s my Dick.
Carson: See! Didn’t that feel good?
Kyan: What is it with you and sea creatures?
Ted: I hate sea creatures.
Thom: If it swims in the ocean Ted wants to kill it.
Kyan: Now it’s very important to remember that whenever you’re scaling fish it’s good to go against the grain.
Kyan: The good thing about the grilled vegetables is, they fall on the ground, because they’re grilled, you can’t really tell that they’re dirty.
Ryan M.
Kyan: We want you to know, dude, you’re gonna have food, you’re gonna have booze, you’re gonna have cigars, you’re gonna have strippers…. They’re gonna be male strippers but you’re gonna have strippers.
Kyan: Well what do you guys want to do? What’s your sort of idea?
Mikey: You know, a nice dinner—
Kyan: You know what? You’re bullshitting me. I’m gonna call you on it right now.
Ryan to Mikey: Be honest. Tell the truth!
Mikey: Strippers!
Ryan: Mikey, you can say midgets and farm animals. It’s alright.
Carson: Something about looking like Shirley Temple is not hot to me.
Kyan: Oh really? Have you looked in the mirror yet, Shirley?
Carson: It’s like a drunken Blair Witch Project.
Kyan: I’m exhausted watching this.
Carson: Okay, these are firemen and they can’t find their way around.
Jai: This is very, like, drunken Amazing Race.
Moose Lodge
Carson: Nice to meet you, Ron—
Kyan: Oh, I’m gonna tell you now—you better watch out for him.
Michael B.
Kyan about Ted’s recipe: You’re a real asshole, Ted.
Season Four
Max C.
Kyan: When’s the last time you got your hair done professionally?
Joni: Professionally? Twenty years
Kyan: Why so long ago?
Joni: Because last time they told me “God, you have crappy hair”.
Kyan: The stylist told you that? Did he really? How did that make you feel?
Joni: Well, I was humiliated so that’s why I’ve never gone back
Kyan: Oh, I’m so sorry. whoever it was, is an embarrassment to our profession.
Kyan about the grill: Is this what you do with the bad birds?
Ted: Kyan, that’s worth like 87 thousand dollars.
Kyan: It’s something simple and understated. Very much like me.
Kyan: But wait a minute. Isn’t that a boy dog?
Max: Kitty works in drag. Kitty’s real name is Bruno.
Ted: No dog’s gender identities were harmed in this production.
ED. M
Kyan: This is very… apartment complex chic. Without the chic.
Kyan when Ed talks with the interviewer: Oh, my God, is this story over yet?
Ted: There he is…
Kyan: Yay, Thom Filicia!
Ted: Thom’s the only one who’s actually drinking already!
Jeff B.
About Jeff’s constant chatter while getting prepared
Kyan: Who the fuck is he talking to?!
Thom: He’s definitely insane.
JESAN
Kyan: Can I ask you a question, Jesan. Which gay cowboy gave you that belt buckle?
Jesan gets his sunglasses stuck in his hair
Kyan: You and your damn eyewear, Carson!
Carson: No, it’s your hair! You got your hair in my eyewear!
Kyan: You got your eyewear in my hair!
Steve H.
Ted: Hey Kyan, look. The word of the day is legs. Spread the word.
Kyan: That’s terrible.
Ted: Did you ever go to junior high school?
Eric Z.
Carson: Is this something you’d wear to work?
Eric: I don’t think I’d wear the pants to work.
Carson: Really? Why not?
Eric: They’re a little too loud for my office.
Carson: D’you think?
Kyan: I.E. gay.
Carson: I don’t think they’re loud. I think they’re subtle.
Kyan: Carson, I have a question for you. Are you loud or are you subtle?
Carson: I’m expressive.
Kyan: Those pants are expressive.
Kyan chanting: U-G-L-Y. Your pants, they got no alibi. They ugly!
Anna Marie & Michael G.
Kyan: We have handwriting like a woman, don’t we?
MILES G.
Kyan about the air bed: It needs a little air. My ass is touching the floor right now.
Kyan: There’s a lot of androgyny happening.
Rotondo Family
Jai: Hey, we get to do three guys!
Everyone: Hey!
Carson: Our first three-way!
Kyan: Well, I don’t know about first.
Carson: Well there was that one time on Fire Island.
Ted about Kyan: You might be gay if you’re ironing your napkins.
Kyan: You might be.
Kyan: Now what’s he doing to the closet?
Carson: Ruining it.
Peter Jr.: Did I put too much stuff in my hair? I gotta wash it.
Kyan: What the hell? You’re kidding me! You are kidding me. He’s washing his hair with some sort of hand soap in the sink while his family is downstairs waiting for him. This is a first.
Adam and Steve
Carson: Don’t we need fanciful team names?
Ref: You guys are the Blue Balls.
Kyan: We’re the Golden Showers.
Carson: Perfect!