Season 1
Marge: I don’t want to alarm anybody, but I think there’s a little al-key-hol in this punch.
Homer: I’m sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we’re the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.
Marge: I didn’t realize there was so much to this game. What do you charge for lessons?
Jacques (A. Brooks): Twenty-five dollars.
Marge: Twenty-five dollars?
Jacques: It’s a forty dollar value.
Jacques: Mimosa?
Marge: I’m a married woman. Please don’t call me that!
Homer: Lord help me, I’m just not that bright.
Marge: Oh Homer, don’t say that. The way I see it, if you raised three children who can knock out and hog tie a perfect stranger you must be doing something right.
Season 2
Marge: Hello, everyone. You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday. Personally, I don’t understand it. Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be devils. Things on TV that are completely inappropriate for young viewers. Things like the following half-hour! Nothing seems to bother my kids, but tonight’s show—which I totally wash my hands of—is really scary. So if you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them in early tonight instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for your attention.
Marge: This family has had its differences and we’ve squabbled, but we’ve never had knife fights before. And I blame this house.
Marge: For a superior race, they really rub it in.
Marge: Lisa, you’re learning many lessons tonight. And one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.
Marge: Homer, this is a terrible thing that’s happened but we can’t blame ourselves.
Homer: We can and will.
Marge: I guess one person can make a difference. But most of the time, they probably shouldn’t.
Marge: Bart! You’re no longer in Sunday School. Don’t swear.
Mr. Burns: You know, I’m no art critic. But I know what I hate. And I don’t hate this. Your painting is bold but beautiful. And incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genitalia {he wanders off}.
Marge: I thought I did.
Marge: Homer, I like to think that I’m a patient, tolerant woman and that there was no line that you could cross that would make me stop loving you. But last night you didn’t just cross that line, you threw up on it!
Season 3
Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey?
Homer: It’s so bitter it’s like acid in my mouth.
Marge: Mm. It’s actually more of a honey glaze.
Marge: Hello, everyone. Before last year’s Halloween show, I warned you not to let your children watch. But you did anyway. Mm. Well, this year’s episode is even worse. It’s scarier, more violent, and I think they snuck in some bad language too. So please, tuck in your children and— Well, if you didn’t listen to me last time, you’re not going to now. Enjoy the show.
Marge: Homer, there’s something I don’t like about that severed hand.
Marge: Hello, room service? This is Marge Simpson. I’d like a hot fudge sundae. With whipped cream. And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!
Homer: Three simple words: “I am gay.”
Marge: Homer, for the last time. I’m not putting that in.
Marge: I don’t know if that tape is working. You ate three desserts tonight.
Homer: Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve.
Marge: Another thing I’ve been wanting to talk to you about…
Season 4
Lisa: I’m hideous.
Marge: Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. {singing} There once was an ugly duckling—
Lisa: So you think I’m ugly?
Marge: No! No, I meant you were one of the good looking ducks. That… makes fun of the ugly one. Mm.
Waiter: I’m sorry, ma’am, but everything on the menu has fish in it.
Marge: What about the bread, does that have much fish in it?
Waiter: Yes.
Marge: Well, I have some tic-tacs in my purse.
Waiter: Excellent choice.
Marge: But Main Street’s still all cracked and broken.
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
Marge: “Third notice.” “Final notice.” “Some guys are coming.”
Marge: What’s this? An invitation to our high school reunion. Gee, that’s odd. They didn’t send one to you.
Homer’s Brain: This is it, Homer. It’s time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge: Oh my god!
Homer’s Brain: No, the other secret.
Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Marge: Well that still doesn’t explain why you ate my soap. Wait. Maybe it does.
Season 5
Bart: Paintings. Lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell, so scary and horrible and gruesome that—
Marge: Bart, you should warn people this episode is very frightening. Maybe they’d rather listen to that old War of the Worlds broadcast on MPR.
Bart: Yes, Mother.
Marge: Good! Now you hold Maggie. I’m going to buy earrings at the gift shop.
Marge: Bart! Stop pestering Satan.
Marge: Homer, we have to do something. Today he’s drinking people’s blood. Tomorrow he could be smoking.
Ruth Powers: I envy you and Homer.
Marge: Thank you. Why?
Ruth Powers: If you ever met my ex-husband you’d understand. All he ever did was eat, sleep and drink beer.
Marge: Your point being?
Marge: You know Homer, when I found out about this I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then kinda sleepy, then worried, and then concerned. But now I realize that being a spaceman is something you have to do.
Homer: Who’s doing what now?
Marge: What about Abe Simpson? Don’t you have any feelings for him?
Mother Simpson: Aw, he’s a dear. But he’s too much of an old fusspot.
Marge: We’re all aware of Grampa’s problems, but compared to Mr. Burns, he’s Judge freakin’ Reinhold.
Mother Simpson: I don’t know who that is.
Marge: If you feel so bad about yourself there’s always things you can do to feel better.
Homer: Take another bath in malt liquor?
Marge: There’s that.
Marge: Homer, I really don’t like you telling personal secrets in your class.
Homer: Marge, I didn’t tell them personal stuff.
Marge: Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everybody knew I dyed my hair.
Homer: Oh. You mean about you.
Season 6
Marge: Maybe we should spend more time with Bart. He’s becoming isolated and weird.
Marge: I want us to deal with the issues raised by this book. {Homer seems thoughtful, then tosses it into the fire}. I knew we shouldn’t have put a fireplace in the bedroom.
Marge: I’m so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.
Storm Trooper: Okay, throw her in the hole!
Marge: Hello once again. As usual, I must warn you all that this year’s Halloween show is very, very scary, and those of you with young children may want to send them off for bed. {reading} Oh my! It seems the show is so scary that Congress won’t even let us show it. Instead they’ve suggested the 1947 classic Glenn Ford movie, 200 Miles to Oregon.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart’s activities but then I’d be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah. And then we’d get the chair.
Marge: That’s not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge. Admit it.
Marge: You know the courts might not work anymore, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else justice will be done!
Marge: Homer don’t start stalking people again! It’s so… illegal.
Lisa: Hi Mom!
Marge: Lisa! Hello! How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and botulism is called steak and kidney pie.
Marge: You know, FOX turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually I didn’t even notice.
Lisa: Mom, I feel kind of funny wearing white. I mean… Milhouse.
Marge: Oh, Milhouse doesn’t count.
Bart: Me and Santa’s Little Helper used to be a team. But he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in.
Marge: Bart! Don’t ever say that word again!
Bart: Well that’s what she is. I looked it up.
Marge: Well I’m going to write the dictionary people and have that checked.
Season 7
Marge: It feels almost feels like you’re missing something. Something important.
Bart: Like I didn’t have a soul?
Marge: Oh honey, you’re not a monster.
Homer: Don’t you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?
Marge: Sometimes.
Marge: Homer, where are you?
Homer: Uh, I’m somewhere where I don’t know where I am.
Marge: Do you see towels? If you see towels you’re probably in the linen closet again.
Lisa: Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this?
Marge: Normally your father’s crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon he finds something good on TV. But this season…
Marge: No, I will not pay you five hundred dollars for sex.
Homer: Oh come on, Marge! You’re getting something in return and I’m getting a bowling team. It’s win-win.
Marge: It’s sick! And I don’t have that kind of money to spend on sex.
Lisa: Dad, what’s a muppet?
Homer: Well, it’s not quite a mop, and it’s not quite a puppet, but man… {laughs, then pauses}. So, to answer you question, I don’t know.
Bart: Why did they make that one muppet out of leather?
Marge: That’s not a puppet, that’s Troy McClure.
Season 8
Marge: You went into the attic? I’m very disappointed and terrified.
Belle: Listen, darlin’. We’re such as much a part of Springfield as the church, the library or the crazy house. So I think I’ll stay right here. Neighbor.
Marge: Is that so? Well, sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial.
Marge: I’m going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. {leaves room) Hello Marge, how’s the family? I don’t want to talk about it. Mind your own business!
Homer: Keep it down in there everybody!
Marge: Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low no one will even care if you succeed. Dinner’s in the oven. If you want some butter it’s under my face.
Lisa: What’s going on outside?
Marge: Oh it’s just a mob war. Go back to sleep.
Marge: I have something that I’d like to sell.
John (John Waters): Please tell me it’s your hair.
Marge: No. It’s an heirloom my grandmother passed down to me. A very rare old figurine from the Civil War.
Lisa: Please don’t construe our ownership of this as an endorsement of slavery.
John: Hm. Well see here’s the thing on this. It’s a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970s. One of the J&R Whiskey Liquor Lads. Two books of green stamps if I’m not mistaken.
Marge: Oh no. Oh no. No no no no. It’s a very very old figurine.
John: No, it’s a liquor bottle. See? Ah! That’ll make your bull run.
Marge: Well. I guess it’ll always be a monument to Grandma’s secret drinking problem.
Homer: He didn’t give you gay did he? Did he?
Marge: Oh geez Louise. You don’t even know what you’re worried about anymore.
John: And Helen Lovejoy. Sure she looks blonde, but I’ve heard cuffs and collar don’t match if you get my drift.
Marge: I don’t, but I loved hearing it.
Season 9
Homer: Marge, name one successful person who ever lived without air conditioning.
Marge: Balzac.
Homer: No need for potty mouth just because you can’t think of one.
Marge: I’ve been looking over this list of things for the ceremony. I’ve got the extra wine glasses, but I’m still short a Tandoori oven, an elephant and four castrati.
Bart: What’s a castrati?
Marge: I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s spicy.
Marge: Well I guess you were right, honey. But you have to admit, when that angel started to talk, you were squeezing my hand pretty hard.
Lisa: Well it was just so loud, and…. Thanks for squeezing back.
Marge: Anytime, my angel.
Season 10
Marge: Lisa, I made you some homemade Pepsi for the dance. It’s a little thick, but the price is right!
Marge: I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it’s brain food. I guess because there’s so much dolphin in there.
Homer: Close your eyes, Marge. {he fires the makeup gun} Now you’re ready for a night on the town.
Marge: Homer, you’ve got it set on whore.
Lisa: Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake’s hair must be controlling—
Marge: Oh please, Lisa. Everyone’s already figured that out.
Bart: Mom, can we go Catholic so we get Communion wafers and booze?
Marge: No! No one’s going Catholic. Three children is enough, thank you.
Homer: Everybody’s marriage is falling apart except ours. See, the problem’s communication. Too much communication.
Marge: Homer, I’ve gone through seven years of receipts. And you’ve spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos.
Season 11
Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.
Lisa: Mom! Dad’s on PBS!
Marge: Mmm. They don’t show police chases, do they?
Marge: I learned something. When people reach for their diaphragm, they don’t want to see my picture.
Season 12
Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I’m not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C’mon, Marge. We’re a team. It’s uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!
Marge: Lisa, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer jumps through the window
Homer: Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge: Okay, it’s in his brain.
Lisa: There’s something weird about this video.
Marge: None of those girls has had three kids, I can tell you that.
Lisa: No, something else.
Saleswoman: Now. Pretend I’m a baby.
Homer aside to Marge: That’s a pretty big caboose for a baby.
Marge: Homer, don’t be— Wow. That is huge.
Marge: Wow. Three pairs of shoes. Someone had a fetish.
Season 13
Marge: Oh… He’s leaving her with five babies.
Bart: She already ate three.
Marge: Hm. That’s sensible.
Reverend Lovejoy: People, we need some fundraising ideas.
Marge: Let’s just write to David Bowie again.
Reverend Lovejoy: No, he’s done enough for this church.
Marge: Homer, these people are professional roasters. Don’t give them fodder.
Season 14
Marge: I couldn’t even wake you up for work this morning. I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea.
Homer: Oh! Couldn’t you come up with a less embarrassing lie?
Marge: But you did have violent diarrhea. Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it’s okay.
Marge: Can’t beat a skybox. All the excitement of being in the sky with the security of being in a box.
Marge: We are not staying at Moe’s! Maggie’s already drunk on the fumes. And she’s a mean drunk.
Marge: These are Homer’s friends and family. They don’t want him dead. They just want him to suffer.
Marge: I didn’t sacrifice my period for second place!
Marge: Aren’t you afraid you might be incurring God’s wrath?
Homer: Eh. God’s cool.
Marge: See, I don’t know that he is.
Marge: Not the swear jar. It’s the only thing holding back the filth. {the swear jar breaks} Nutty fudgkins.
Marge: Homey, don’t let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesn’t take you seriously. Big whoop. Who gives a doodle. Whoopie ding dong doo.
Homer: Thanks for trying, but I’ll be at Moe’s.
Marge: So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoopety-do. Who gives a bibble. Gabba gabba hey.
Homer: Prepare the celebration ham!
Marge: All we have are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham.
Homer: Marge, they’re just hams, okay?
Homer: I never knew you were such a Beatles fan.
Ned: Of course I am. They were bigger than Jesus. But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection.
Bart: Hey, boys will be boys.
Marge: I am so tired of that tautology.
Season 15
Marge: I really shouldn’t be here. I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candyland with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face.
Marge: Honey, you could be popular. You’ve just got to be yourself. In a whole new way.
Marge: I guess it’s just to much for me to ask for one vacation where we don’t go to jail or to a condo sales pitch.
Marge: Shame on you two creeps!
Bart: It’s your fault for giving birth to my archenemy.
Lisa: At least I was planned!
Marge: Stop it! No one was planned.
Etiquette Instructor: Well done. I’d be proud if you grew up to be my husband’s mistress.
Marge: Thank you.
Season 16
Bart: Budget-O’s?
Marge: That’s right. It’s much less expensive than the leading clown-based cereal. You just have to assemble it yourself.
Marge: Bart, don’t make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.
Marge: Bart I’m glad you had fun, but I wouldn’t get too into that Catholic church. With all the sitting and standing and kneeling. It’s like Simon Says without a winner.
Bart: Mom! That’s blasphemy! I’ll say the Rosary for you.
Marge: Don’t you touch bead one!
Marge: Homer, you’ve been out all night. And you look like you’ve accepted someone as your personal something.
Season 17
Marge: Oh boy, I’m beat. If you want to return a melon to the grocery store, clear your day.
Bart: No fair! Dad gets to shoot wild animals. But I kill one bird and I have to go to a psychiatrist.
Marge: Mm. He still thinks that hobo was a bird.
Tammy (Lily Tomlin): How ’bout that wind! I don’t know how you keep your hair so perfect.
Marge: Johnson’s Water Seal.
Marge: What are you doing, Homer?
Homer: I’m signing us up for a reality show where we trade you to another family.
Marge: Wow, that could be interesting. Or it could damage many many lives.
Season 18
Bart: So how did Malt Liquor Mommy die?
Marge: Stop calling her that!
Lenny: I’ll tell you how she died. You know that sign that says, “Do not stand up on the roller coaster”?
Bart: Yeah.
Lenny: She overdosed right in front of it.
Marge: Low class all the way.
Homer: Marge, could you let it go? You won. She’s dead.
Marge: And all this time I thought “Googling yourself” meant the other thing.
Marge: What are you kids doing up so late?
Lisa: It’s seven am.
Marge: I was on the computer all night!
Bart: Actually, it’s Saturday.
Marge: I played a day and a night!
Lisa: Bart, it’s not Saturday.
Bart: Sh!
Lisa: I can’t believe you listened to this magazine. It’s a Larry Flynt publication.
Marge: Lisa, stop reading mastheads.
Lisa: I can’t. I won’t!
Marge: If someone did eat Bart’s shorts they’d have a tummy-full of pocket garbage.
Season 19
Lisa: There must be a web site that can help you with a clingy baby.
Marge: I don’t want to bother the internet with my problem.
Nelson: There’s a time for crumping. And this isn’t it.
Marge: I’ll crump with you, Sweetie Pie.
Lisa: I didn’t know you cared about ballet.
Marge: Lisa, have I ever shown you my shattered dreams box?
Lisa: No.
Marge: It’s upstairs in my disappointment closet.
Marge: Homey, I’m going to be a dancer!
Homer: Go-Go or boring?
Marge: Boring!
Homer: Oh.
Season 20
Denis Leary: Can I give you some advice?
Marge: Of course! You’re Denis Leary.
Denis Leary: Give your kid back the phone, but first activate its built-in GPS system. That way you can log on to your carrier’s web site and track your son’s movements. The way I track every actor who gets a movie that I was up for.
Marge: Shouldn’t you just be happy for their success?
Denis Leary: I should be a lot of things, lady.