I’ve been thinking I need a new cellphone.

Lest you think it’s because I crave the latest gadgets—it’s not. My phone is at least four years old and I’m sick of the battery dying on me constantly.

So I went looking. And gosh do these new-fangled cellphones seem all snazzy.

Speakerphone. Bluetooth. Texting. Web access. Email access. MP3 player. Video recorder. Camera. Customized ringtones…

I don’t get any of it. From my experience, a speakerphone means the user holds the phone up to their mouth and screams as loud as they can into it.

And while I can see some usefulness for web access (say you’re lost and need directions or a phone number) it ain’t useful enough for me to pay for it. And the last thing I want to do is receive emails on my phone. I delete enough spam on one computer. Having to deal with it on my phone makes no sense.

The texting thing seriously worries me. I blame that and similar messaging services for the widespread demise of spelling among our youth. Back when I gave out my email address to website visitors, I received emails that almost needed a translator to figure out what the hell it meant.

Tell me ur suprized.

As for the music, photos and video: how can the quality not be crappy? It’s a fucking cellphone.

Eh. Just one more example of needless shit that people buy because of the shiny advertising.

I just want a damn cellphone. To make phonecalls. Is that so hard?