Ron: I love college. I just wish I could take my tuition and shove it down that girl’s underwear in one dollar bills.
Marshall about Sheila moving out: I’ve never even seen her before.
Lloyd: I have.
Lizzie’s phone rings
Ron: Hi Eric.
Eric: Who the hell is this? Why are you answering Lizzie’s phone?
Ron: She left it in our room. It’s Ron. Hey.
Eric: What the hell was Lizzie doing in your room?
Ron: We were making sloppy love, Eric. It was heavenly.
Ron: I hate that guy.
Steven: Whatever. He’s a nice guy.
Ron: He’s not a nice guy. You are a nice guy for calling that idiot a nice guy.
Luke: If you want, I could set you up with somebody, man. Matter of fact, I know somebody you might like.
Steven: Really?
Luke: I’m telling you, he’ll fulfill your every need.
Steven: He? Hey, thank you. But I’m sorry. I’m not gay.
Luke: That’s okay, man. Neither is he. You see his name is Jesus.
Steven: Christ.
Luke: Yeah. So you know his name.
Lloyd: Did you ever think that maybe the entire way you looked at the world was wrong?
Ron: Uh yeah, man. I used to be a goth guy. I met this chick, she had like black fingernails, totally like pale. So hot, right? Turned out to be albino.
Steven: Have you ever read the Bible? It’s awesome. Very moral. Kind of like eight Star Wars episodes in a row.
Lizzie: What do you think?
Ron: Is that as big as your boobs get?
Lizzie: Oh! I have a shirt for that.
Ron: Ah. I knew you would.
Perry: What’s with you, Lloyds of London? You take one mind-blowing philosophy class and suddenly you’re Jean-Paul Sartre.
Lloyd: It’s Sartre.
Perry: Oh, so now you’ve got this existentialist hook thing too? Well that’s great, ’cause all you need is a little more mystique. Now you’ve got a chance with all the freaky chicks I was gonna get. I’ve take so much acne medication my lips are splitting in half. This might cheer you up: you’re hotter than most chicks. What are you doing in college anyway? People like you don’t need to know how to read. Nice nose.