Pilot Episode
Sam: You really think Cindy likes me?
Bill: Hello. The jacket.
Neal (Samm Levine): No way. We’re not her species.
Sam: Listen, just do me a favor. Ask around, see if she has a date for the dance.
Bill: Who should I ask?
Neal: Okay. The dance is tomorrow. She’s a cheerleader. You’ve seen Star Wars 27 times. You do the math.
Neal: How come your sister’s been acting so weird?
Sam: What do you mean?
Neal: She’s been wearing your dad’s army jacket.
Sam: She’s been acting weird since our grandma died.
Bill: Oh man, my stomach hurts.
Neal: Bill, you’ll be fine.
Bill: No, it really hurts. I think I should go home. This is how Houdini died.
Beers and Weirs
Neal: Why does she hang out with those guys?
Bill: I don’t know. Why don’t you go over there and ask her?
Neal: They’re gonna ruin her life. If you don’t care about high school, you won’t get into a good college, and no future and you’ll wind up dead or in jail.
Bill: Really?
Neal: Were you asleep during Scared Straight?
Bill: You’re in love with Lindsay.
Neal: I am not! What are you talking about?
Bill: Why are you getting so mad?
Neal: I’m not!
Why would you say that?
Bill: Because you have your book in front of your pants.
Neal: Shut up! Jerk.
Neal: Bill, Dallas sucks.
Bill: You suck! Dallas rules!
Sam: What’s non-alcoholic beer?
Bill: It’s just like beer but it doesn’t have that ingredient that makes you drunk.
Neal: Alcohol?
Bill: Yeah.
Neal: Every time you guys have a problem we dip into my Bar Mitzvah money. It’s not like I get to have another one.
Bill: Come on. For Lindsay?
Neal: Fine.
Bill: Mazel Tov.
Neal: Shut up.
Neal: What do you think’s gonna happen?
Sam: Well hopefully everyone will drink a lot of fake beer, have to pee a lot, and go home because they’re bored.
Neal: This is genius.
Bill: It’s my idea. I’m the genius.
Student: Nah, Neal. No. You wouldn’t want to trade places with me. Believe me.
Neal: I don’t know, I mean I’m Jewish. That’s no cakewalk either. I was elected school treasurer last year. I didn’t even run.
Neal: Sometimes it helps to talk to someone.
Lindsay: I’m too drunk to talk!
Neal: No, that’s okay. I speak drunk.
Tricks and Treats
Sam: Why are you wearing a hat?
Neal: It’s the day before Halloween.
Bill: Like a costume? Kinda sucks.
Sam: Whitman is such a jerk, you know? She says you have to be “young adults”. We’re not adults. We’re kids until we turn 18.
Neal: Maybe you are. When I hit thirteen, I became a man.
Bill: That’s only in your temple, Neal, not in the real world.
Neal: Hm. Looking for Chaplin, only seeing Hitler.
Neal: This is ridiculous. I look like Tom Selleck.
Neal: I can’t believe the Hot Dog-On-A-Stick girls saw us. That’s months of work down the drain!
Sam: Like they’d ever go out with you.
Neal: Hey, shut up! They like me. They always give me free lemonade refills.
Kim Kelly Is My Friend
Neal: A defaced locker, a humiliated freshman. And the busty succubus from Hell. Perhaps we’ve left McKinley High. And entered the chilling corridors of The Twilight Zone.
Sam: What am I supposed to do? I mean, fight her? She’s a girl. My dad has a rule. You don’t fight girls.
Neal: My dad has a rule. You don’t piss your pants at school.
Sam: Hey, I didn’t piss my pants!
Karen: You want to fight me? Huh? Is that what you want? You want to mix it up a little bit? {Bill moans.} What was that, Bilbo Baggins?
Neal: I didn’t say anything. It was him.
Karen: Are you guys deformed or something? I mean, what’s the deal? Look, I guess I’m just gonna have to mark that locker again. This time in geek blood.
Neal: However I don’t know too many adults who still play with their Tonka Trucks.
Sam: I don’t play with Tonka Trucks.
Neal: You wanna go on the record with that statement?
Tests and Breasts
Bill: What the hell is that?
Neal: You think she’s single?
Bill: Looks like it’s from outer space.
Sam: Shut up.
Coach Fredricks: Weir! Do you have something to say?
Sam: No, sir.
Coach Fredricks: When you get the clap because you weren’t paying attention in health class is that going to be funny too?
Neal: Oh my god! It’s a naked woman.
Sam: What’s she doing?
Neal: Who cares what she’s doing. She’s naked!
Sam: This is taking forever.
Bill: Yeah. We could’ve made our own porno by now.
Neal: Hey, do you want to let the projector eat the film and have that Daniel guy kill you? ‘Cause, I mean, we can do that too.
I’m with the Band
Sam: Don’t you think it’s weird that they want us to, you know, get naked?
Neal: It’s not a burlesque show, Sam. They just want us to shower.
Alan: Hey Schweiber, you gonna show us your circumcision in the showers today?
Neal: Oh yeah, take a number.
Bill: You know to be honest, I don’t smell so good. I could probably use a shower.
Sam: No! We have to stick together.
Neal: Hey, if we don’t shower then we are going to “stick together”. You get it?
Neal playing moon ball: That’s it. I’m gonna die in gym class.
Bill: I hope I can still have kids.
Neal: Come on, you got hit in the groin. You didn’t have a hysterectomy.
Neal: My mom says that women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.
Bill: But you’re not very funny.
Neal: Screw you. I’m hilarious!
Bill: Oh, how witty. Get this guy on Hollywood Squares.
Alan: You guys are losers and you always will be!
Neal: Then how come you’re the one riding home with no friends.
Carded and Discarded
Neal: Had to bring the big rocket, didn’t you?
Bill: What? So I got a big rocket. What am I supposed to do, cut it in half?
Neal: She is beautiful.
Bill: I can’t believe she’s gonna hang out with us.
Neal: What if I’m asleep right now, and this is just a dream, and any moment Maureen and I are gonna make love.
Bill: Ew!
Sam: Then what are we doing here?
Bill: Maybe this is my nightmare.
Eli: Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Neal: It is by you, my good man.
Girlfriends and Boyfriends
Sam: Hey, why don’t we go ask Gordon to come with us.
Neal: But he smells.
Sam: Yeah, I know. But he’s really cool. Maybe he doesn’t even know he smells.
Bill: Are you gonna tell him?
We’ve Got Spirit
Sam: Why does Cindy like him? He’s such a jerk. He’s not even nice to her.
Neal: Cheerleaders have to date athletes. It’s the law.
Neal: Being the school mascot has always been my dream.
Bill: Yeah. Since lunch.
Neal demonstrates his dance moves
Bill: Hula dancer Norseman?
Neal: Yes! A Norseman in Hawaii. That’s funny!
Bill: I can’t be seen with you.
Neal: Sam, hand me the head of that Norseman.
Cheerleader: Hey! That’s my bra strap!
Norseman Neal: No, it’s the team’s bra strap.
Vicki: There he is. Get him girls!
Neal: Oh god! I’m a bleeder!
The Diary
Neal: Wait. All the teachers numbers are there?
Bill: Phone.
Sam: Think we could be arrested for making prank calls?
Neal: Yeah. And we’ll get sent to telephone prison.
Sam: Is this the best cereal you’ve got?
Neal: I don’t know. I never eat breakfast.
Bill: Is that before or after you shave?
Neal: Smooth move, Alexander Graham Bell.
Neal about Bill: He’s the butt-patter. Ugh.
Looks and Books
Neal: I hate being in school after it’s out. Makes me feel like a janitor.
Sam: What’s so great about him anyway?
Neal: It’s the hair.
Harris: It’s an interesting look, Sam.
Neal: Nah. Your hair’s not long enough to pull that off.
Bill: I think it looks weird. Like you’re trying to be all fancy.
Gordon: I don’t think you should worry about how you look, Sam. My mom always says you should be happy with what the good Lord gave you.
Bill: Yeah, well the good Lord gave you a lot, Gordon.
Sam: Bill!
Gordon: My whole family’s big-boned. It’s genetic.
Harris: Besides, the world loves jolly fat guys. Burl Ives. Jackie Gleason.
Gordon: Santa Claus. Curly. Raymond Burr.
Neal: No. Raymond Burr isn’t jolly.
Gordon: Well he was extremely nice to me at last year’s auto show.
Neal: You look like your mother dresses you.
Sam: Hey. Well, at least I don’t look like a ventriloquist’s dummy.
Neal: Don’t kill the messenger. I know I look good.
Neal: I’m telling you, you can light them. It’s methane.
Bill: Yeah, but what if the flame goes back inside? Do you explode?
Neal: Oh my god. Guess Elvis hasn’t left the building.
Bill: Hey, don’t make fun of him. That’s a Parisian night suit in case you didn’t know.
Gordon: A Parisian? Ooh la la!
Neal: No. It’s a jumpsuit. My grandpa in Fort Lauderdale wears them all the time because he’s too lazy to put on pants.
Neal: Why did you buy that?
Sam: Hey, you’re the one that said I should dress better.
Neal: Yeah, I didn’t say you should dress like Evel Knievel.
The Garage Door
Sam: Your dad’s the coolest.
Mr. Schweiber (Sam McMurray): I heard that!
Neal: Yeah.
Bill: Do you remember when we said we’d tell each other everything?
Neal: Yeah.
Bill: Did you mean it?
Neal: Of course.
Bill: Even if it’s something really, really horrible? I mean, it might not be horrible, ’cause it might not be true, but if it is true, it could be pretty horrible.
Neal: Okay, Bill, you’re killing me, you gotta tell me now.
Neal: I’ll tell you one thing, when I get married I’m never going to cheat on my wife. Even if she gets old and fat.
Bill: Yeah. I’d be happy just to get a wife. But I don’t think I want the kind that gets old and fat.
Sam: I don’t know how you even get one girl. How does anyone get two?
Neal: If this was your dad, you wouldn’t be in such a hurry to get home. I’d be there for you.
Chokin’ and Tokin’
Bill: Are you guys gonna eat with me?
Sam: Yeah. Why?
Bill: I don’t know, I just thought maybe I was too geeky to eat with.
Neal: Well you are, but we’re too hungry to care.
Neal: Sam, could you not use the word “die” in a hospital?
Sam: You asked if he was still alive.
Neal: Tht’s an optimist question. Alive is good. Dying is bad. Trust me on this, my dad’s a dentist.
Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers
Neal: He’s a gym teacher. There’s no upward mobility.
Noshing and Moshing
Smooching and Mooching
The Little Things
Bill: Sam, don’t worry. It’s just a game. I mean, I’m good at Mouse Trap, and you’re really good at Kerplunk.
Sam: No. No no no, it’s not that. It’s just this thing with Cindy. She’s kind of, she’s kind of boring.
Bill: Really?
Sam: It’s weird hanging out with her friends. And, I mean, all she ever wants to do is make out and stuff.
Neal: I’d kill to be that bored.
Bill: Maybe you should take her out on a date and do something that you want to do.
Sam: But what if she doesn’t want to do what I want to do?
Bill: Then why are you going out with her?
Neal: Because she’s a goddess! Am I the last same man on this godforsaken planet? Hey, pass her over here. I’d move to the mall if she wanted me to.
Disco and Dragons
Neal: Does his mom know you?
Bill: I don’t know. I never met her.