Mrs. Weir: Hey Lindsay, how’d you like to go buy some new clothes at the mall? Those old jeans are looking pretty ragged.
Lindsay: No thanks, Mom. I like my jeans
Sam: Dad’s the one who could use some pants.
Mr. Weir: Who am I trying to impress? When it’s your house you can wear a tuxedo to breakfast.
Mr. Weir (Joe Flaherty): You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience.
Mrs. Weir: Oh, that’s terrible.
Mr. Weir: Yep, that’s what I want to do. Spend my hard-earned money to be spit on. Now that’s entertainment.
Lindsay: Oh come on, Dad. Every generation is afraid of the music that comes from the next. I’m sure your parents hated Elvis.
Mr. Weir: Elvis didn’t expectorate on his fans.
Sam: No. But he died on the toilet.
Mr. Weir: Well, that’s paradise compared to where those Sex Pistols are gonna end up.
Lindsay: What’s the matter?
Nick: John Bonham died.
Lindsay: Yeah. I know. Last week.
Nick: He’s dead. You know? It’s like he’s dead. And as a result there’s no more Led Zeppelin.
Lindsay: Well why don’t they just get a new drummer?
Nick: Are you— ? Just forget it.
Kim: No, what you gotta do is look for something in the store that’s expensive, but looks really cheap. And then you switch price tags with something that is really cheap. Then you gotta put the original back on it and return it for store credit. That’s how I got this jacket. Ten bucks, this thing cost me.
Ken: It’s beautiful! Clearly worth all the effort.
Nick: Hey does anybody wanna come see The Wall with me on Saturday night? Thought I might try an experiment—see it straight once.
Ken: Don’t do it! You’ll regret it, man. Trust me.
Neal: Why does she hang out with those guys?
Bill: I don’t know. Why don’t you go over there and ask her?
Neal: They’re gonna ruin her life. If you don’t care about high school, you won’t get into a good college, and no future and you’ll wind up dead or in jail.
Bill: Really?
Neal: Were you asleep during Scared Straight?
Bill: You’re in love with Lindsay.
Neal: I am not! What are you talking about?
Bill: Why are you getting so mad?
Neal: I’m not! Why would you say that?
Bill: Because you have your book in front of your pants.
Neal: Shut up! Jerk.
Daniel: Wow. The designated driver’s pretty hot. I’d like to get her drunk.
The McKinley High Sober Students
Harris: Hey Mary. Happy Birthday.
Millie: Oh. Thank you, Bob. How’s it going?
Harris: Good. You did a really nice job decorating here. Do you know if anyone here has any cocaine?
Daniel: I love being told not to drink by a pot-head hippie guidance counselor.
Lindsay: There’s probably a bar in the teacher’s lounge.
Neal: Bill, Dallas sucks.
Bill: You suck! Dallas rules!
Sam: What’s non-alcoholic beer?
Bill: It’s just like beer but it doesn’t have that ingredient that makes you drunk.
Neal: Alcohol?
Bill: Yeah.
Neal: Every time you guys have a problem we dip into my Bar Mitzvah money. It’s not like I get to have another one.
Bill: Come on. For Lindsay?
Neal: Fine.
Bill: Mazel Tov.
Neal: Shut up.
Sam Weir: Keg of beer, please.
Liquor Store Clerk: Don’t see that happenin’.
Sam to Lindsay: Friday night. Always a good night for some Sabbath. pause ‘Cause, you know… Friday… is the Sabbath… for the Jews.
Lindsay: So? What do you think?
Ken: What do you think we are? Hippies?
Daniel: Wow. Like that unicorn.
Neal: What do you think’s gonna happen?
Sam: Well hopefully everyone will drink a lot of fake beer, have to pee a lot, and go home because they’re bored.
Neal: This is genius.
Bill: It’s my idea. I’m the genius.
Student: Nah, Neal. No. You wouldn’t want to trade places with me. Believe me.
Neal: I don’t know, I mean I’m Jewish. That’s no cakewalk either. I was elected school treasurer last year. I didn’t even run.
Ken: I am the Lord of Quarters!
Sam: Hi Ken.
Ken: Hey.
Sam: Do you guys like my sister?
Ken: Sure.
Sam: Then can you make sure she doesn’t get into too much trouble?
Ken: Sure.
Sam: Thanks.
Ken: Which one’s your sister? She’s not that chick singing, is she?
Sam: Why did Neal invite her? Now she’s going to see all the dumb stuff in my house.
Bill: His plan is to distract you so he can hit on your sister.
Sam: Oh man! I’m so dead. What am I going to say to Cindy?
Bill: Don’t say anything.
Be dominant. It’s all— all about dominance. I saw this monkey show on PBS, you talk to her first it’s a sign of weakness. And she will not pick you to be her mate.
Sam: Are you drunk?
Bill: I think so. Yes I am.
Sam: Oh man! Go into my room, lock the door, and don’t drink anymore.
Bill: That’s very dominant.
Neal: Sometimes it helps to talk to someone.
Lindsay: I’m too drunk to talk!
Neal: No, that’s okay. I speak drunk.
Lindsay: All my new friends think I’m some goody two shoes and all my old friends think I’m throwing my life away. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Sam: You don’t have to run, Ken. It’s fake beer.
Ken: I know. I won 87 bucks playing quarters. This party ruled.
Bill is passed out drunk on the floor
Lindsay: Hey, Bill. Get up. That’s how that drummer from Led Zeppelin died.