Treehouse of Horror VII
Marge: You went into the attic? I’m very disappointed and terrified.
Dr. Hibbert: You don’t forget a thing like Siamese twins!
Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called “conjoined twins.”
Dr. Hibbert: And hillbillies prefer “sons of the soil.” But it ain’t gonna happen.
Lisa: My god, I’ve created life!
Marge: Lisa! Breakfast. We’re having waffles.
Lisa: Oo! Waffles!
Lisa: Wait. One of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral. I’ve created Lutherans!
Homer: Oh my god, space aliens. Don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Kodos: Take us to your leader!
Homer: Well I guess you mean President Clinton. He usually hangs around Washington D.C.
Kodos: President Clin-ton?
Homer: Except. Um. There’s this election next week so after that it might not be him anymore. It might be whats-his-name. Mumbly Joe. I saw him on TV the other… Bob Dole!
Kang: The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again. Tomorrow when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me. Senator Kan— Bob Dole.
You Only Move Twice
I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
Marge: Homer, I don’t want to leave Springfield. I’ve dug myself into a happy little rut here and I don’t want to hoist myself out of it.
Homer: Just bring the rut with you, honey!
Hank Scorpio (Albert Brooks): You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here.
Homer: Yes sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion.
Hank Scorpio: Don’t call me Mr. Scorpion. It’s Mr. Scorpio, but don’t call me that either. Call me Hank!
Teacher: So, you never learned cursive?
Bart: Well I know hell and damn and bi—
Teacher: Cursive handwriting. Script. Do you know the multiplication tables? Long division?
Bart: I know of them.
Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what’s your least favorite country? Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Hank Scorpio: Heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy.
Hank Scorpio: Homer, on your way out if you want to kill somebody it would help me a lot.
The Homer They Fall
I am not my long-lost twin
Comic Book Guy: I must hurry back to my comic book store where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.
Moe: Fun’s over fellas. If you’re going to beat up my friend in my bar there’s a two drink minimum.
Moe: Back when I was Kid Gorgeous everybody wanted a piece of me. But somehow I just never made it to the big time.
Homer: Why not?
Moe: ‘Cause I got knocked out forty times in a row. That plus politics. You know, it’s all politics.
Homer: Lousy Democrats.
Moe: Now no matter how much he hits you, you don’t do nothin’ okay? You don’t wanna get drawn into a boxing match here.
Michael Buffer: Due to popular demand, we will forgo our national anthem.
Homer: Are you an angel?
Moe: Yes, Homer, I’m an angel. All us angels wear Farrar slacks.
Lucius Sweet (Paul Winfield): You’ll always be a loser. Now take your check for one hundred thousand dollars and get out of my sight.
Moe: I don’t need your stinkin’ money! {carefully folds the check and pockets it}
Burns, Baby Burns
Mr. Burns: There, under the smiling eyes of four stuffed Eskimos, we expressed our love physically. As was the style at the time.
Mr. Burns: How were his test scores?
Yale Admissions: Let’s just say this. He spelled Yale with a six.
Larry Burns (Rodney Dangerfield): I tell you, I don’t get no regard. No regard at all. No esteem either.
Marge: You know how I feel about hoaxes.
Homer: Still?!
Bart After Dark
Announcer: We interrupt this cartoon for a special report.
Homer: Someone found my keys!
Homer: Geez. Look at this place. We gotta do something.
Bart: Hm. Garbage angels?
Mr. Burns: I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing there are too many fat children.
Bart seeing the burlesque house: Lady. I gotta tell ya. I have been grossly misinformed about witches.
Bart: Are you having a party or something?
Belle: Non-stop. We’re a burlesque house.
Belle: When you work the door, the main things are to greet the visitors and toss out the troublemakers.
Bart: Ah! The old Greet ‘n’ Toss. No problemo.
Belle: How did I ever get along without you.
Bart: If there’s a bad bookkeeping joke, I haven’t heard it.
TV: It’s eleven o’clock. Do you know where your children are?
Homer: I told you last night, no! Where is Bart anyway? His dinner’s getting all cold and eaten.
Belle: Listen, darlin’. We’re just as much a part of Springfield as the church, the library or the crazy house. So I think I’ll stay right here. Neighbor.
Marge: Is that so? Well, sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial.
Jasper: Are they talking about the bordello?
Grampa: No! The burlesque house. So just keep your mouth shut.
Skinner: Ah, there’s no justice like angry mob justice.
Rev. Lovejoy: Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.
Marge doing a ventriloquism act: So Twiggy, I hear you and your husband Woody just had a baby. What did you name him?
Dummy: Chip. {dead silence}
Homer: Take it off!
Bart: Alright Dad, you’ve been warned. Let’s go.
A Milhouse Divided
Marge: I’m going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. {leaves room} Hello Marge, how’s the family? I don’t want to talk about it. Mind your own business!
Homer: Keep it down in there everybody!
Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Marge: It’s just not a dinner party without a melon baller.
Marge: Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie?
Ned: You know I like his films except for that nervous fella who’s always in ’em.
Luann: From now on, forget everything you thought you knew about Luann Van Houten.
Marge: Actually, Luann, I don’t really know anything about you.
Homer: I’d like to file for… {dramatic pause} Divorce.
Lady: These things happen. Eight dollars.
Lisa’s Date with Density
Everyone: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse: She does not!
Everyone: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey: He does not!
Everyone: Janey likes Milhouse!
Uter: She does not!
Everyone: Uter likes Milhouse!
Dewey Largo: Nobody likes Milhouse!
I will not be a snickerpuss.
Lisa about Nelson: He’s not like anybody I’ve ever met. He’s like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest. Sure is ugly though. So why can’t I stopped staring at him?
Nelson: You! Why would you like me? No girls like me. Are you wearing a wire?
Marge: Most women will tell you you’re a fool to think you can change a man, but those women are quitters.
Lisa: What’s inside you right now?
Nelson: Guts. And black stuff. And about fifty Slim Jims.
Kearney: Aw, man! You just kissed a girl!
Jimbo Jones: That is so gay!
Lisa: Well I guess this is it.
Nelson: You mean like, Goodbye?
Lisa: Let’s just call it, Smell ya later.
Homer: Hello. This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court has ordered me to call everyone in town to apologize for my telemarketing scam. I’m sorry. If you could find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.
Hurricane Neddy
Lisa: Dad, wake up. I think a hurricane is coming!
Homer: Oh Lisa, there’s no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.
Homer: What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies?
Maude Flanders: Oh Neddy, it was terrifying. I thought I was headed for the eternal bliss of paradise.
Ned Flanders: Reverend, I need to know. Is God punishing me?
Reverend Lovejoy: Oo. Short answer, Yes with an if. Long answer, No with a but.
Ned: Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I’ve always been nice to people. I don’t drink or dance or swear. I’ve even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I’ve done everything the Bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff. What more can I do?
Ned: Looks like a loose nail.
Homer: Hey, one out of twenty-five ain’t bad.
Rod Flanders: I don’t like this clown.
Bart: Ah, I wouldn’t take that down if I were you. It’s a load-bearing poster.
Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn’t do anything.
Ned: Do I hear the sound of butting in? It’s gotta be little Lisa Simpson. Springfield’s answer to a question no one asked!
Ned: Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met.
Homer: Hey. I got off easy.
Ned’s Mother: You’ve gotta help us, Doc. We’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas.
Dr. Foster: Hm. There is a program that might help Ned contain his anger. It was known as the University of Minnesota Spankalogical Protocol.
Dr. Foster: You folks are free to roam the grounds. Just remember, one of our patients is a cannibal. Try to guess which one. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Ned: If any of you does something I don’t like, you are gonna hear about it!
Dr. Foster: Yes, that’s very healthy, Ned.
Ned: And if you really tick me off, I’m gonna run you down with my car.
El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)
Marge: Every time you go to that Cook-off you get drunk as a poet on payday. Remember last year?
Homer: Oh well of course. Everything looks bad if you remember it.
Chief Wiggum: That Simpson. He thinks he’s the Pope of Chilitown.
Homer: Hello, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Good afternoon, Homer. Care for some chili. I’ve added an extra ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Quetzaltenango! Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the members of a Guatemalan insane asylum.
Mayor Quimby: Good Lord, this can’t be happening.
Dr. Hibbert: By all medical logic, steam should be shooting out of his ears.
Krusty: His ears if we’re lucky.
Homer: Man, this is crazy. I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
Homer: Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.
Space Coyote (Johnny Cash): Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide.
Homer: Hiya.
Space Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn.
Homer: If it’s about laying off the insanity peppers I’m way ahead of you.
Homer: Great spiritual quest, wolfie! My soul mate is Marge.
Space Coyote: Is it?
Bart: So then I says to Mabel, I says…
Homer: Hello, is this GBM? I read in the personals you’ looking for a soul mate. Well I also like rainy days and movies. {listens} Uh uh. {listens} No, I don’t like that. {listens} Or that. {listens} No, it’s not I’m afraid. I’m going to hang up now, bye bye.
Bart: Hey, look! Is that Dad?
Lisa: Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.
Homer: Alone! I’m alone! I’m a lonely insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!
Homer: In your face, Space Coyote!
The Springfield Files
Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I’m Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of aliens encounters is true. And by “true”, I mean “false”. It’s all lies, but they’re entertaining lies. And in the end, isn’t that the real truth? The answer is no.
Lisa: All right! It’s time for ABC’s TGIF lineup.
Bart: Lis, when you get a little older, you’ll learn that Friday’s just another day between NBC’s must-see Thursday and CBS’s Saturday night crap-o-rama.
Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson): This is a simple lie detector. I’ll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. {the lie detector explodes}.
Fox Mulder (David Duchovny): All right Homer, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien.
Homer: Well the evening began at the gentleman’s club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it’s a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney’s car eating packets of mustard. You happy?
Homer: I suppose you’re going to mock me too.
Bart: Actually, Dad, I believe you.
Homer: You do?
Bart: Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure.
Homer: Thank you, son. And do you think you could stop the casual swearing?
Bart: Hell yes!
Homer: That’s my boy.
Homer: This Friday we’re going back to the woods and we’re going to find that alien!
Bart: What if we don’t?
Homer: We’ll fake it and sell it to the FOX Network.
Bart: They’ll buy anything.
Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: Uh huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.
The Twisted World of Marge Simpson
I am not licensed to do anything
Marge: I guess I’m just not comfortable in the whole idea of “investing”.
Edna Lovejoy: Hm. “Pita”. Well I don’t know about food from the Middle East. Isn’t that whole area a little iffy?
Fleet-a-Pita: Hey, I’m no geographer! You and I, why don’t we call it “pocket bread”.
Maude Flanders: Uh. What’s “tahini”?
Fleet-a-Pita: Flavor sauce!
Edna Krabappel: And “falafel”?
Fleet-a-Pita: Crunch patties.
Frank Ormand (Jack Lemmon): Hello, I’m Frank Ormand. And if you’re watching me, that means you’ve got pretzel fever. And not the kind that attacked my intestinal lining some years back.
Marge: Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low no one will even care if you succeed. Dinner’s in the oven. If you want some butter it’s under my face.
Fat Tony: Greetings, Homer.
Homer: Hey! Fat Tony! You still with the Mafia?
Homer: You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony. I will say good day to you sir!
Lisa: What’s going on outside?
Marge: Oh it’s just a mob war. Go back to sleep.
Mountain of Madness
Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
Homer: Go on.
Bart: Think about it. I mean what “team” was Babe Ruth on? Who knows!
Lisa and Marge: Yankees.
Bart: Charity’s a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what’s all this crap I’ve been hearing about tolerance!
Homer: Hm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think we have to go on the retreat anyway.
Mr. Burns: Now as an added incentive the second-to-last team to arrive at the cabin will receive a hilarious “World’s Worst Employee” trophy.
Homer:Hey, this sounds like fun.
Mr. Burns: And the last team to arrive will be fired.
Homer: Heh heh. Uh oh.
Smithers: What time is it?
Bart: Twelve-eighty. No wait, wait. What comes after twelve?
Smithers: One.
Bart: No, after twelve.
Burns: You know, Simpson. You’re not as objectionable as you seemed when we first met.
Homer: No sir. I am not.
Park Ranger: We’ll take the chair lift. It gives you a birds eye view of the area directly below the chair lift.
Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious
I will not hide the teacher’s Prozac
Announcer: It’s the Krusty Komedy Klassic!
Krusty: Hey, hey! It’s great to be back at the Apollo Theater, and— {turns around, notices sign} K-K-K? That’s not good.
Shary Bobbins: Now as your nanny, I’ll do everything from telling stories to changing diapers.
Grampa: Put me down for one of each!
Skinner: Boy for sale! Boy for sale!
Jimbo: Is this legal, man?
Skinner: Only here and in Mississippi.
The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show
Roger Meyers: What we need is a new character. One that today’s kids can relate to.
Writer: Are you absolutely sure that’s wise, sir? I mean I don’t want to sound pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad.
Krusty: Hey, this ain’t art, it’s business.
Lindsey Naegle: We’re talking the original dog from hell.
Writer: You mean Cerberus?
Lindsey Naegle: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He’s edgy. He’s in your face. You’ve heard the expression “Let’s get busy”? Well, this is a dog who gets biz-ay. Consistently and thoroughly.
Krusty: So he’s proactive?
Lindsey Naegle: Oh, god yes! We’re talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Writer: Excuse me, but “proactive” and “paradigm”? Aren’t these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I’m accusing you of anything like that…. I’m fired aren’t I?
Homer: Well you can cram it with walnuts, ugly!
Homer: Is this episode going on the air live?
June Bellamy: No Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It’s a terrible strain on the animator’s wrist.
Homer: So it was pretty okay, huh?
Bart: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner?
Marge: Yes we can.
Comic Book Guy: Last night’s Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, that I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn’t great but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They’ve given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean if anything you owe them.
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.
Homer: Well I guess I learned my lesson. The thing is, I lost creative control of the project. And I forgot to ask for any money. Well live and learn.
Homer’s Phobia
Bart: No refunds! Force majeure! Read the back of your ticket!
Homer drops large jar of coins into the earth: Aw, nuts. Hello? China? Little help?
Marge: I have something that I’d like to sell.
John (John Waters): Please tell me it’s your hair.
Marge: No. It’s an heirloom my grandmother passed down to me. A very rare old figurine from the Civil War.
Lisa: Please don’t construe our ownership of this as an endorsement of slavery.
John: Hm. Well see here’s the thing on this. It’s a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970s. One of the J&R Whiskey Liquor Lads. Two books of green stamps if I’m not mistaken.
Marge: Oh no. Oh no. No no no no. It’s a very very old figurine.
John: No, it’s a liquor bottle. See? Ah! That’ll make your bull run.
Marge: Well. I guess it’ll always be a monument to Grandma’s secret drinking problem.
Homer: Fifty bucks for a toy? No kid is worth that.
John: Ah, but this is the Rex Mars’ Atomic Discombobulator. Don’t you just love the graphics on this box?
Homer: No. how can you love a box or a toy or graphics? You’re a grown man!
John (John Waters): It’s camp! The tragically ludicrous? The ludicrously tragic?
Homer: Oh yeah. Like when a clown dies.
Homer: That John is the greatest guy in the world. We’ve gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.
Marge: Mmm, I don’t think he’s married, Homer.
Homer: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there’s lots of foxy ladies out there.
Marge: Homer, didn’t John seem a little… festive to you?
Homer: Couldn’t agree more. Happy as a clam!
Marge: He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn’t!
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a ho… mo…
Homer: Right.
Marge: …sexual.
Homer: Augh!
Homer: He didn’t give you gay did he? Did he?
Marge: Oh geez Louise. You don’t even know what you’re worried about anymore.
John: And Helen Lovejoy. Sure she looks blonde, but I’ve heard cuffs and collar don’t match if you get my drift.
Marge: I don’t, but I loved hearing it.
Homer: They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they’re just…
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that’s another thing! I resent you people using that word. That’s our word for making fun of you! We need it!
Bart: Dad, why’d you bring me to a gay steel mill?
Homer: I don’t know! This is a nightmare! You’re all sick!
Worker: Oh be nice!
Homer: It’s a miracle!
John: No, ultrasuede is a miracle. This is just good timing.
Marge: You feel softer than before.
Homer: I’ve been tenderized.
Homer: I don’t want you calling him a sissy. This guy’s a fruit, and a— . No, wait. Queer. Queer! Queer. That’s what you liked to be called, right?
John: Well that, or John.
Lisa: This is about as tolerant as Dad gets, so you should be flattered.
Brother from Another Series
Bart: Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
Lisa: And vice versa.
Sideshow Bob (Kelsey Grammer): You don’t have to worry about me, brother. I’m all murdered out.
Cecil (David Hyde Pierce): You’ll find one gets more respect as a humble civil servant than a homicidal maniac. Or as a clown’s sidekick.
Sideshow Bob: I knew it! You’re still angry that Krusty picked me instead of you.
Cecil: I can’t imagine what you mean.
Sideshow Bob: Oh come now! You wanted to be Krusty’s sidekick since you were five. What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college?
Cecil: I will thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.
Cecil: There it is. The future site of the Springfield hydro-electric dam.
Sideshow Bob: Just the thought of all that raw, surging power makes me wonder why I should care.
Sideshow Bob: That. Was Edna Krabappel. You only get one chance with Edna Krabappel. I hope you’re happy.
Bart: Guess who!
Cecil: Maris?
Cecil: And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you’ll be nowhere near them.
My Sister, My Sitter
Janey: I can’t get enough of the Babysitter Twins. They arrested the counterfeiters, rescued the President and made four dollars!
Reverend Lovejoy: Friday you will have the chance to party down in the church basement to the decent rock stylings of Testament.
Bart: Pfft! All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.
Lisa: Enjoy Bob Saget!
Chief Wiggum: It’s Bob Seger. {checks tickets} Aw crap.
Chauffeur: I’m here to pick up the ambassador from Ghana.
Lisa: Well he’s not here. Nobody’s here! And none of you should be here. You’ve all been tricked!
Chauffeur: Why would the Ambassador do such a thing?
Lisa: Ew! Your arm! It’s got extra corners!
Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment
Moe: Listen up, this is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? {they raise their hands} Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.
Brockman: Kent O’Brockman, live on Main Street, where today everyone is a little bit Irish. Except of course for the gays and the Italians.
Homer: Prohibition. Pfft! They tried that in the movies and it didn’t work.
Mrs. Lovejoy: Won’t somebody please think of the children!
Chief Wiggum: Ladies, please. All our funding fathers, astronauts and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.
Duff Spokesman: We’re not worried. Our customers buy Duff for its robust taste, not its alcoholic content. I predict our alcohol-free Duff Zero will sell even better than its previous brand.
Homer: Glad you’re finally back in business, Moe.
Moe: Yeah. That was a scary couple of hours.
Mayor Quimby: Who are you to demand anything? I run this town. You’re just a bunch of low-income nobodies.
Aide aside: Election in November. Election in November.
Mayor Quimby: What?! Again? This stupid country.
Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned: Well, if you’re talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-itly as char-diddly-arged!
Rex Banner: He’s not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in!
Homer: To alcohol! The cause of—and solution to—all of life’s problems.
Grade School Confidential
Principal Skinner: …and finally, the bake sale to raise money for the car wash has been cancelled due to confusion.
Skinner: Mind if I sit down?
Krabappel: It’s a free country.
Skinner: I don’t follow you.
Krabappel: Just sit down, Seymour.
Skinner: Is this how you imagined your life, Edna?
Krabappel: Well yes. But then I was a very depressed child.
Skinner toasting: To poor decisions.
Krabappel: Here here.
Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.
Chalmers: You have got to end this thing, Seymour.
Skinner: We’re not coming down until our jobs are reinstated and you acknowledge and celebrate our love.
Chalmers: No one would like to celebrate your love more than I. But I am a public servant and not permitted to use my own judgment in any way.
Krabappel: Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople.
Chalmers: Oh yeah, that’ll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The guy in the bumblebee suit or the one with the bone through his hair?
Maude: I don’t think we’re talking about love here. We’re talking about S-E-X. In front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
Krusty: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down.
Skinner: We can’t continue on like this. Trying to build a private relationship in public, the whole town watching our every move with a fine tooth comb.
Krabappel: I’m used to public humiliation but not in front of a crowd that size.
Skinner: That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.
Canine Mutiny
A fire drill does not demand a fire
Homer: I don’t know about this dog. He’s kinda… snooty.
Marge: Homer, are you wearing a tie to impress Laddie?
Homer: Do you think he noticed?
Burns: Smithers, I believe this dog was in Skull and Bones.
Bart: I’m sure he’ll be happy as a police dog.
Homer: He better know how to keep his mouth shut.
Moe: You gotta give me back my floor! My customers are walking around on the pipes.
Repo Man: Hey, next time pay your bills.
Moe: But I don’t want to!
Lisa: Just promise not to freak out the blind man.
Bart: I can’t promise I’ll try. But I’ll try to try.
The Old Man and the Lisa
Mr. Burns: I’ll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
Mr. Burns: Nature started a fight for survival and now she wants to quit because she’s losing? Well I say hard cheese.
Lisa: But nature’s not our enemy.
Mr. Burns: Surely you agree we can live without her.
Mr. Smithers: I’m sure all your stocks are doing well, sir. You chose them.
Mr. Burns: Let’s get the old stock ticker and take a look. Here’s where I stopped checking it last time. September 1929…
Mr. Burns: That voice! That shrill disagreeable voice! It’s her!
Lisa: I’m so proud of you Mr. Burns. You’re getting your fortune back and you did it all without harming the planet or cozying up to the Aspen crowd.
Mr. Burns: I call our product Little Lisa’s Patented Animal Slurry. It’s a high-protein feed for animals, insulation for low-income housing, a powerful explosive, and a top-notch engine coolant. And best of all it’s made from 100% recycled animals.
Lisa: You haven’t changed at all. You’re still evil. And when you’re trying to be good you’re even more evil!
Lisa: I’m sorry, Dad.
Homer: It’s alright. I understand. But we really could have used that twelve thousand dollars.
Lisa: Um… Dad. Ten percent of a hundred twenty million dollars isn’t twelve thousand. It’s—
Overhead: Code Blue! Code Blue!
In Marge We Trust
Homer: I’d love to go with you, honey, but I’ve got a lot of work to do around the bed.
Rev. Lovejoy: …finally I just stopped caring. Luckily it was the 80s and no one noticed.
Moe: I was calling for Reverend Lovejoy. Who’s this?
Marge: Ah, well… this is the Listen Lady.
Moe: Yeah? Well listen, lady.
Homer: Akira, can you read this for me?
Akira: Ah, yes. This is a product called Mr. Sparkle. Very popular dish detergent. Hey, he looks like you!
Lisa: What’s he saying?
Akira: He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.
Lisa: Wow!
Akira: Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson.
Mr. Sparkle Plant Worker: Mushi mushi!
Homer: Yes. This is Homer Simpson from America. Who may I say is speaking to me?
Worker: Hello chief, let’s talk. Why not?
Homer: Um, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle?
Worker: You like Mr. Sparkle?
Homer: Well, I am Mr. Sparkle.
Worker: You have many questions, Mr. Sparkle. I send you premium. Answer question 100%!
Homer: Oooh!
Mr. Sparkle: I’m disrespectful to dirt !! Can you see that I am serious? Get out of my way, all of you. This is no place for loafers. Join me or die. Can you do any less?
Dancers: What a brave corporate logo! I accept the challenge of “Mr. Sparkle”
Lisa: Hey, it was all a coincidence.
Bart: Yep. There’s your answer, Fish Bulb.
Homer: Well it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let’s go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast.
Marge: Donny! Did you see a man being chased by some young hooligans?
Donny: I see lots of stuff.
Lisa: Did you see that?
Donny: … Yes.
Homer’s Enemy
Kent Brockman: …which if true, means death for us all.
Homer: I can’t believe it. I’ve got an enemy. Me! The most beloved man in Springfield.
Moe: Ah, it’s a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don’t care for me neither.
Homer: No, I won’t accept that!
Moe: It’s true. I’ve got their names written down right here, in what I call my “enemies list.”
Barney reading: Jane Fonda, Daniel Shore, Jack Anderson. Hey! This is Richard Nixon’s enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours!
Frank Grimes: If you lived in any other country in the world you’d have starved to death long ago.
Bart: He’s got you there, Dad.
Frank Grimes: I’m peeing on the seat! Give me a raise!
The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase
Troy McClure: “Spin-off.” Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul?
Chief Wiggum, P.I.
Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I can’t wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you’re sure to have against this colorful backdrop.
Skinner: He’s gradually getting away, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Ah, let him go. I have a feeling we’ll meet again, each and every week.
The Love-matic Grampa
Grampa: That’s the second time he’s pulled the plug on me.
Moe: You are absolutely positively the dumbest haunted love tester that I have ever met.
The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour
Kent Brockman: And now, a family that doesn’t know the meaning of the word “canceled”: The Simpsons!
The Secret War of Lisa Simpson
Chief Wiggum: Can’t anybody in this town take the law into their own hands.
Cadet: What’s the matter? Don’t girls like doing push-ups in the mud?
Lisa: Is there any answer I can give that won’t result in more push-ups? {they confer}
Cadet: No.
Drill Instructor: Since you attended public school I’m going to assume you’re already proficient with small arms.
Drill Instructor handing Lisa a whistle: Maybe you should just learn to use this. If there’s a war just blow on it and I’ll come help you.
Commandant (Willem Dafoe): Well cadets, it’s been a great year. You’ve all worked very hard developing academic skills and general killing skills.
Bart: My killing teacher says I’m a natural.
Commandant: The wars of the future will not be fought on the battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space—or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today remember always your duty is clear: to build and maintain those robots. Thank you.