Lard of the Dance
Homer: Marge, if you don’t mind I’m a little busy now achieving financial independence.
Marge: Through cans of grease?
Homer: No. Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease!
Lisa: These are for pierced ears.
Sherri: Yeah, aren’t they great?
Terri: Alex did ours.
Alex Whitney (Lisa Kudrow): Yeah, all you need is a thumbtack and a lot of paper towels.
Lisa: Am I the only one that wants to play hopscotch and bake cookies and watch McLaughlin Group?
Marge: Lisa, I made you some homemade Pepsi for the dance. It’s a little thick, but the price is right!
Lisa: Come on, Alex. We’ve only got nine, maybe ten years, tops where we can giggle in church and chew with our mouths open and go days without bathing. We’ll never have that freedom again.
Alex: Listen, you can giggle and stink all you want, but I have a credit card. So *pfft* on you.
Ralph: This snowflake tastes like fish sticks!
The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace
I will not file frivolous lawsuits
Lisa: He also invented the photograph, the microphone and the electric guitar.
Homer: No one man can do all that. You’re a liar, honey. A dirty rotten liar.
Marge: I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it’s brain food. I guess because there’s so much dolphin in it. And you know how smart they are.
Homer: Close your eyes, Marge. {he fires the makeup gun} Now you’re ready for a night on the town.
Marge: Homer, you’ve got it set on whore.
Lisa: Dad, women won’t like being shot in the face.
Homer: Women will like what I tell them to like.
Bart the Mother
Homer: Oh! I hate folding sheets.
Marge: That’s your underwear.
Homer: Well whatever it is, it’s a two-man job.
Marge: What do you think he’s doing up there?
Homer: I dunno, drug lab?
Marge: Drug lab!
Homer: Or reading comic books. What am I, Kreskin?
Lisa: One: they don’t have beaks. Two: they don’t have feathers. And three: they’re lizards!
Bart: You’re a lizard!
Treehouse of Horror IX
Marge: It’s almost as if he’s murdering from beyond the grave.
Lisa: I told you capital punishment wasn’t a deterrent.
Lisa: Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake’s hair must be controlling—
Marge: Oh please, Lisa. Everyone’s already figured that out.
Lisa: Oh, Bart! That’s plutonium. It’s highly unstable.
Bart: Don’t you ever get tired of being wrong?
Bart: Lis, we’re characters in a cartoon!
Lisa: How humiliating.
Homer: Look! Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs.
Homer: Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
Dr. Hibbert: Fire. And lots of it.
Marge: Oh that’s your cure for everything.
Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie’s father.
Homer: You intergalactic hussy! How could you?
Kang: Insemination complete.
Marge: Really? That seemed awful quick.
Kang: What are you implying?
Bart: There’s only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre.
Audience Member: Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.
Jerry Springer: Homer.
Marge: I can’t believe it. Jerry Springer didn’t solve our conflict.
Lisa: And now he’s dead.
When You Dish Upon a Star
butt.butt is not my e-mail address
Lisa: You promised to take us to the lake.
Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That’s what makes me a good father.
Lisa: Actually keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer: No, that would make me a great father.
Man: Ah, sir, you can’t operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
Homer: Oh, that sounds like a wager to me.
Homer: I’m soaring! Soaring majestically like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft!
Bart: We’ve been looking all over for you, Dad. Where did you land?
Homer: Nowhere famous.
Lisa: Where’d you get that muffin?
Homer: Gersh Agency.
Ron Howard sniffing Homer’s breath: Do I smell vodka… and wheatgrass?
Homer: It’s called a Lawn Mower, I invented it. You want one?
Ron Howard: Yeah, okay.
Kim Basinger: And I’ll have a rum and zinc.
Ron Howard: Oo, I’ll have one of those too.
D’oh-in’ in the Wind
No one cares what my definition of “is” is.
Smithers: It’s no use. Shall I send out for some Chinese?
Mr. Burns: No, those people are all gristle. I want this jar open!
Homer: Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form! He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies.
Marge: You know, I really don’t appreciate being called a narc.
Maude Flanders: My eyes have been soiled!
Homer: Come on, Maude. The human wang is a beautiful thing.
Homer: You guys are total sell outs!
Munchie (George Carlin): Wait. Don’t you work for a nuclear power plant?
Homer: Look, we can sit here all day and play the blame game or we can start freaking people out.
Homer: I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.
Lisa Gets An “A”
I will not scream for ice cream
Bart: I’m starving. Mom, can we go Catholic so we get Communion wafers and booze?
Marge: No! No one’s going Catholic. Three children is enough, thank you.
Lisa: Ah, this is my kind of aisle. Soy substitute, whiz-less cheese. Oven-roasted cud.
Clerk: It’s packed in its own drool.
Lisa: But we can’t accept that money. It’s tainted.
Skinner: Now now. Leave the money out of this. It’s not the money’s fault you cheated.
Mrs. Krabappel: Now who can tell me the atomic weight of bolognium.
Martin: Oo! Delicious?
Mrs. Krabappel: Correct. I would also accept “snacktacular.”
Ralph: Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers!
Homer Simpson in: “Kidney Trouble”
I am not a licensed hairstylist
Barkeep: We only serve sarsaparilla, mac. No alcohol.
Homer: Oh…
Marge: You can get drunk when we get home.
Homer: Duh.
Homer: Oh. I blame myself for this.
Marge: We all blame you.
Homer: I’ve been thinking. What if, instead of donating my old worn-out kidney, I give Grampa that artificial kidney I invented.
Marge: No, Homer. That was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it.
Homer: That’s the last time I trust the strangest people on earth.
Mayored to the Mob
“The President did it” is not an excuse
Comic Book Guy: Tell me, how do you feel about 45-year-old virgins who still live with their parents?
Comic Book Girl: Comb the Sweet Tarts out of your beard and you’re on.
Comic Book Guy: Don’t try to change me, baby.
Mayor Quimby: Oh god, can’t this town go one day without a riot?
Homer: They’re milking rats! Milking rats!
Mayor Quimby: Rats? I’m outraged. You promised me dog or higher.
Kent Brockman: And so as the rat’s milk is returned to the sewers, the circle of life is complete.
Viva Ned Flanders
My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
Bart: Alright, here comes the implosion!
Worker: Implosion? But I thought you said—{the building explodes}
Lisa: You’re not really giving my dad power of attorney are you?
Ned: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, “Think”?
Homer: You mean Lisa?
Ginger: You two fellas are the nicest husbands we’ve ever had.
Ned: This is all your fault! You and your stupid program.
Homer: Blame me if you must, but don’t ever speak ill of the program! The program is rock solid. The program is sound.
Casino Owner: Las Vegas doesn’t care for out-of-towners. Take your money and go someplace else!
Wild Barts Can’t Be Broken
Sherri does not “got back”
Lisa: But it’s not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything.
Homer: Well if kids are so innocent why is every bad named after them? “Acting childish.” “Kidnapping.” “Child abuse.”
Bart: What about adultery?
Homer: Not until you’re older, son.
Wiggum: Let this be a lesson to you! Kids never learn.
Mayor Quimby: I’ve called this meeting to figure out what to do with those blabbermouth kids and their creepy English accents.
Sunday, Cruddy Sunday
I will not do the Dirty Bird
Postmaster Bill: This machine reads zip codes. These five digits tell us where to direct your mail.
Lisa: But it’s nine digits now. What’s the point of these other four numbers?
Postmaster Bill: Those are citizen relocation codes. With any luck we’ll never need them.
Homer: I’ll start with a couple of pizzas, then a complimentary Tango lesson. And I’ll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic.
Lisa: Um, Dad.
Homer singing: Do you like piña colonics, and getting caught in the rain
Wally Kogen (Fred Willard): Wally Kogen.
Homer: Hey, I know you! We were in the same pyramid scheme.
Wally Kogen: Yeah. Don’t remind me. Friends Helping Friends, my ass.
Marge: It’s so nice to have a peaceful weekend together.
Lisa: Yeah, I’m bored too.
Wally: I’m sorry. The guys made kind of a mess in your bathroom.
Bus Driver: What bathroom?
Voiceover: The Catholic Church. We’ve made a few… changes.
Lisa: These Super Bowl commercials are weird.
Dolly Parton: Wally Kogen, what are you doing in Super Bowl jail?
Krusty: Ask her if she’ll go out with me.
Rupert Murdoch: I’m Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant. And this is my skybox.
Homer to the Max
No one wants to hear about my sciatica
Announcer: The start of television’s second most exciting season—mid-season!—is just two hundred exciting seconds away.
Homer: Car?
Marge: Locked.
Homer: Phone?
Lisa: Unplugged.
Homer: Dog? Cat?
Bart: Taped and corked.
Homer: Perfect.
Marge about Admiral Baby: It’s hard to believe someone that young could have risen to the rank of Admiral.
Marge: Your character provides the comic relief. Like, oh… Marlo Brando in Apocalypse Now.
Homer: Yeah, but why does the Homer Simpson character have to be so stupid?
Producer: Oh, he’s not stupid. He’s a street smart fish out of water in a world he never made.
Marge: You changed your name without consulting me?
Homer: That’s the way Max Power is, Marge. Decisive. Uncompromising. And rude.
Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don’t want to snuggle with Max Power.
Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G’s.
Marge: Oh lord.
Trent Steele: Great name.
Homer: Yeah, isn’t it? I got if off a hairdryer.
Homer: Uh oh. Here comes Lorne Michaels. Pretend you don’t see him.
I’m with Cupid
Hillbillies are people too
Homer: I used to take out ads like that when we were newlyweds.
Marge: The only ad you took out was to sell our lawnmower.
Homer: We sold it, didn’t we?
Manjula (Jan Hooks): A chocolate husband! Oh, how darling.
Apu from inside the chocolate: I can’t breathe!
Manjula: Oh! My husband. You are the sweetest filling of all.
Apu: My ears are filled with nougat. There’s a nut in my eye.
Homer: Everybody’s marriage is falling apart except ours. See, the problem’s communication. Too much communication.
Marge: Homer, I’ve gone through seven years of receipts. And you’ve spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos.
Apu: My humble love note is turning into a Valentine’s Day Massacre.
Apu: Elton John!
Elton John: That’s my name. Well, not really.
Marge Simpson in: “Screaming Yellow Honkers”
Grammar is not a time of waste
Bart: I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
Lisa: Dad, you were supposed to pay for those snacks.
Homer: I saw Krabappel’s butt, I paid.
Marge: You cashed in your 401K to buy that stupid Canyonero. Why can’t you drive it?
Homer: Are you saying I’m gay? Because if that’s what you think just come right out and say it.
Chief Wiggum: Why are the pretty ones always insane.
Wild Animal Kingdom: Born Free, Then Caged
Homer: Don’t worry kids, I know just what to do. Jumanji! {nothing happens} Doesn’t anything from the movies work?!
Homer: Oh! When will Detroit build a sunroof for the husky gentleman!
Park Ranger: Why this Stone Phillips guy sounds like quite the bloke. What television network is he on?
Bart: NBC of course.
Lisa: NBC has lots of great shows, and
their news and sports coverage can’t be beat.
Wiggum: Do you think there’s anything great on NBC right now?
Homer: Oh, I’m sure if it.
Marge: But there’s only one way to find out!
Homer: I’d like to read the following statement, but I do so under {a gun cocks} my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many FOX shows as possible. So in summary, NBC bad. FOX good. CBS great. {sound of gunshots and a body dropping}
Make Room for Lisa
I do not have diplomatic immunity
Homer: Oh no, I’m not falling for that again. If it doesn’t have Siamese twins in a jar it’s not a fair.
Lisa: How come the Smithsonian needs to be sponsored by a cell phone company?
Omnitouch Rep: I can answer that. Uncle Sam needs to spend our tax dollars on the essentials. Anti-tobacco programs, pro-tobacco programs, killing wild donkeys and Israel.
Homer: Oo! Here’s something you’ll like: When Animals Attack Magicians.
Karma-ceuticals Owner: You’re about to take a journey into the mind. You may see and experience things that are strange and frightening. But remember: they can’t physically harm you. Though they may destroy you mentally.
Lisa: How am I supposed to hallucinate with all these swirling colors distracting me?
Maximum Homerdrive
It does not suck to be you
Lisa about The Slaughterhouse: The worst part of it is, you pick out your own cow and they kill it right in front of you.
Marge: Well, maybe the animals don’t mind, honey. They might enjoy being the center of attention.
Bart: I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed.
Homer: Come on everybody. We’re going to The Slaughterhouse.
Marge: You didn’t need to knock the food on the floor.
Homer: Didn’t I?
Homer: What’s happening to me? There’s still food, but I don’t want to eat it. I’ve become everything I’ve ever hated.
Marge: Lisa, we got another postcard from your father. “Wish you were her.” How many of these is he going to send me?
Lisa: Wow, Dad and Bart have been everywhere. They’ve eaten submarine sandwiches, grinders and hoagies.
Marge: Still no visitors. It’s time we opened up a can of whoop-tushie on this situation. What’s the number for Luigi’s?
Lisa: Dad’s got it on the speed dial under Fire.
Bart: Dad, they’re trying to kill us.
Homer: Oh, why do all my trips end like this.
Trucker 1: Maybe it’s time we ditched the hi-tech gizmos and went back to driving like our daddies did.
Trucker 2: Drunk?
Senor Ding Dong: If you ever need me, just ring! {he dramatically jumps into his van… which won’t start} Does anyone have any jumper cables!
Simpsons Bible Stories
I cannot absolve sins
Eve: Please stop eating that. God’s going to be furious!
Adam: You’re pretty uptight for a naked chick.
God: My unicorn! Oh what have they done to you, Gary?
Slave Bart: Man, captivity blows.
Egyptian Wiggum: So long, kids. Give my regards to the British Museum.
Moses: Well Lisa, we’re out of Egypt. So what’s next for the Israelites? Land of Milk and Honey?
Lisa: Well, actually it looks like we’re in for forty years of wandering the desert.
Moses: Forty years? But after that it’s clear sailing for the Jews, right?
Lisa: Uh… more or less. Hey, is that manna?
Wiggum: Okay, next up: Jesus Christ vs. Checkered Chariot.
King David: Goliath II is going to pay. And this time, it’s Biblical.
Marge: Oh no! It’s the Apocalypse. Bart, are you wearing clean underwear?
Bart: Not anymore.
Mom and Pop Art
A trained ape could not teach gym
Homer: How about it, Bart? Would you like a new backyard barbecue pit?
Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer: We can all burn evidence in it.
Astrid Weller (Isabella Rossellini): Your husband’s work is what we call “outsider art.” It could be by a mental patient, or a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to be a mental patient, hillbilly, or chimpanzee!
Bart: Well, I’m flunking math and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.
Moe: So you guys are Eurotrash, huh? How’s that working out for you?
Gunther: Eh, to be honest we are adrift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.
Moe: Uh huh. So, ah, where might this sea be located?
Cecil Hampstead-on-Cecil Cecil: I must get back to my hotel and practice my affectations for tomorrow.
Homer: Oh honey, I’ve always liked your art. Your paintings look like the things they look like.
Gunther: You’ve gone from hip to boring. Why don’t you call us when you get to kitsch.
Cecil Hampstead-on-Cecil Cecil: Come on Gunther, Kyoto. If we hurry we can still catch the heroin craze.
Homer: Matt Groening! What’s he doing in a museum? He can barely draw. {A giant eraser comes in} Oh no! I’m being erased!
Homer: Step two: snorkel the animals.
Bart: Are you sure this is art, not vandalism?
Homer: That’s for the courts to decide, son.
Milhouse: Everything’s coming up Milhouse!
The Old Man and the “C” Student
Loose teeth don’t need my help
Head of the IOC: People! People! Please. You are forgetting what the Olympics are all about. Giving out medals of beautiful gold, so-so silver and shameful bronze.
Scarlett O’Hara: Oh Rhett! Where will I go? What will I do?
Rhett Butler: Frankly my dear, I love you. Let’s remarry.
THE END (EDITED FOR SENIORS)
Senior Woman: What a lovely ending!
Bart: They cut out the best word!
Hans Moleman: Didn’t that movie used to have a war in it?
Orderly: Come on! You’ve been warned.
Nurse: Come on, Bart. We don’t want to overstimulate these people. They just had pudding.
Grampa: I haven’t felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.
Monty Can’t Buy Me Love
I have neither been there nor done that
Homer: Can we go home yet? My feet hurt. All this fresh air is making my hair move. And I don’t know how much longer I can complain.
Lisa: Oh, poor Mr. Costner. He tries so hard.
Comic Book Guy: Once again. my underwear has become tangled on a cow catcher.
Mr. Burns: Simpson. I need your help. I want to be loved.
Homer: I see. Well, I’ll need some beer.
Mr. Burns: I’m going to bring them something that man has searched for since the beginning of time.
Homer: A sober Irishman?
Mr. Burns: Even rarer.
Mr. Burns: Where’s my monster, tubby? What do you think I’m paying you people for?
Homer: Um, to work in your power plant?
Willie: You’re not paying me anything!
Professor Frink: You kidnapped me.
Professor Frink: This isn’t the monsterometer. It’s the frog-exaggerator!
They Saved Lisa’s Brain
No one wants to hear from my armpits
Lisa: Wow. I’m so honored you wanted me.
Lindsey Naegle: Well it was your delightfully condescending letter that put you over the top. Lindsey Naegle, advanced capital ventures.
Lisa: What do you produce?
Lindsey Naegle: Synergy. And books on how to cheat at bridge.
Homer: You’re not going to ask me to pose nude, are you?
Photographer: Well yes. Unless you have some issues with revealing your body.
Homer: Well I don’t, but the block association seems to. They wanted a traditional Santa Claus.
Comic Book Guy: The world has already taken note of our accomplishments. Springfield has moved up to number 299 on the list of America’s 300 most livable cities. Take that, East St. Louis.
Homer: It’s time to get Homer-erotic!
Homer: But I was gonna score!
Marge: No you weren’t.
Dr. Stephen Hawking: I wanted to see your Utopia. But now I see that’s more of a Fruitopia.
Hawking: I see you have clearly been corrupted by power. For shame.
Homer: Larry Flynt is right. You guys stink!
Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo
I’m so very tired
Homer: The internet? Is that thing still around.
Lisa: Wow Dad, you’re surfing like a pro.
Homer: Oh, yeah! I’m betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called “News Corp”—
Lisa: Dad, that’s FOX!
Homer: Augh! Undo! Undo!
Marge: Come on, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashomon.
Homer: That’s not how I remember it. Besides, if we want to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He’s in my book club!
Pilot: Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is tomorrow.
Homer: Hey, you know I once knew a man from Nantucket.
Bart: And?
Homer: Let’s just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.
Wink: Don’t worry. That “lava” is just Orange Ade, made by our sponsor Osaka Orange Ade Concern.
Homer: It burns! It burns!
Wink: It’s loaded with wasabi!
Bart: Goodbye Japan! I’ll missing your Kentucky Fried Chicken and your sparkling whale-free seas.