Treehouse of Horror XIV
Grampa ignited by a flaming log: I’m still cold.
Marge: Would everyone please stop fighting and burning.
Kang: Pathetic humans! They’re showing a Halloween episode. In November!
Kodos: Who’s still thinking about Halloween? We’ve already got our Christmas decorations up.
Bart: Please don’t take me! Take Milhouse. We all know there’s no happy ending there.
Death: Your time is up.
Homer killing Death: This is for Snowball I and JFK!
Homer: Death! Death! We miss you so much. You were a busboy in the restaurant of life. Clearing away the oldies and the sickies and the chokies. And you made NASCAR racing exciting.
Homer: Jasper! Your time has come!
Jasper: Where’s the regular guy? Where’s Doug?
Homer: Never mind. I’m Death now.
Jasper: Oh… I liked Doug.
Caller: Sir, I’m honored to inform you that you’ve won the Nobel Prize.
Homer: The Nobel Prize? Finally! So it’s for what? My whole deal?
Frink: We had to replace several vital organs with machinery. But that doesn’t make you any less of a man. Except… you have no penis. In the, uh, traditional sense.
Father Frink: So what am I? Some kind of a tin can man from Planet Tomorrow?
Lisa: Sir, your son has brought you into the twenty-first century. It’s a lot like the twentieth except everybody’s afraid and the stock market’s much lower.
Father Frink: Hey, 700 Club, you look like a healthy specimen.
Flanders: Well I did finish first in the walk for the cure. Of homosexuality!
Jennifer Garner: You know Doctor Hershbach, our jobs are actually not that different.
Doctor Hershbach: I disagree.
Father Frink: Every brain unlocks more secrets of the Universe! Muffins are surprisingly high in calories. The pyramids were actually built by Sears.
Lisa: He’s right! It all checks out.
Bart: Do you realize what this means?
Milhouse: Yeah… But… you say it first.
Lisa: Why can’t I tinker with the fabric of existence?
Homer: Let the baby have her bottle.
My Mother the Carjacker
Homer: Marge, wake up. The newspaper’s talking to me.
Marge: Oh, relax. I’m sure it’s just your brain going crazy.
Homer: I wish!
Prisoner: You’re alright, donut breath.
Prisoner 2: You’re like the son I never killed.
The President Wore Pearls
Marge: I really shouldn’t be here. I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candyland with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face.
Marge: Honey, you could be popular. You’ve just got to be yourself. In a whole new way.
Lisa: It’s like you’re Harry Potter without the magic and wonder.
Principal Skinner: Lisa, student government is meaningless. Look at your constitution. It’s written on the back of a placemat.
Superintendent Chalmers: And not a good placemat. It’s from someplace called Doodles.
Mrs. Skinner: Seymour! Quit using me in analogies.
Skinner: Yes Mother.
Lisa: Principal Skinner, I will not call off this strike until you bring back music and art.
Skinner: What about gym?
Lisa: Meh.
Striking Zombie: Zombie eat brains. But zombie cannot swallow this injustice.
Otto: Man. I guess this story had a happy ending after all. Just like my last massage.
The Regina Monologues
Lisa: Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series?
J.K. Rowling: He grows up and marries you. If that what you want to hear?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: That’s it! I’m acting the way America acts best. Unilaterally!
Marge: I guess it’s just to much for me to ask for one vacation where we don’t go to jail or to a condo sales pitch.
Marge: That was very sweet of the Queen, letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.
The Fat and the Furriest
Homer: That’s it kids, suckle Daddy’s sugar ball.
Todd Flanders: I was saving sugar for my wedding night!
Homer: Check it out, ladies. The suit that makes me completely invulnerable to bear attacks.
Marge: Homer, there’s no rear on that thing.
Homer: I know. If I get scared I don’t wanna ruin the suit.
Homer: What kind of example would I be if I didn’t take revenge on things?
Lisa: Dad, you can’t take revenge on animals. That’s the whole point of Moby Dick.
Homer: Lisa, the point of Moby Dick is, “Be yourself.”
Today, I am a Clown
Over 40 & single is not funny
Marge: How’d you get her out?
Lisa: I tried the coat hanger again. I don’t understand why we only try ideas once.
Jewish Walk of Fame Curator: No bar mitzvah? In the eyes of God and the Springfield Jewish Walk of Fame committee, you are not a Jewish man.
Krusty: Now see here, do you know how much I donate to the B’nai Brith?
Curator: Actually, I do.
Krusty: Goodbye.
Lisa: Krusty, what’s wrong?
Krusty: I just found out I’m not Jewish. Oh! I was turned down by all those country clubs for nothing.
Bart: Well you’re still my hero.
Krusty: So what? Everything’s changed. I thought I was a self-hating Jew. But it turns out I’m just a plain old anti-semite.
Krusty: The sweet little shiksa’s right. Without a bar mitzvah I’m just a boy. With a prostate the size of a goat’s head.
Krusty: Are you sure that’s “kosher”?
Lisa: There’s nothing in the Talmud that forbids it.
Bart: How do you know all this stuff?
Lisa: I have a Jewish imaginary friend. Her name is Rachel Cohen. And she just got into Brandeis.
Rabbi Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Wonderful!
Krusty: Please! You people are known for taking chances on crap.
Bart: Dad. You blew it. You listened to Lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.
Homer: I’ll audience you!
‘Tis the Fifteenth Season
Homer: I love the holiday season. See ya in spring, toes!
Krusty: Now in the spirit of the season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
Lisa: This is offensive to Christians and prunes.
Talking Astrolabe: I will be testing my smoke alarm for the next three hours.
Homer: Can’t you yell at me now and get it over with?
Marge: No! I’m going to parcel my anger out over the next few days and weeks, jabbing at you just when you seem the most content.
Homer: Unloved by Al? No! {Death points to the grave} Unloved by all? No!
Homer: TV and nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson. From now on I will stop being selfish and start being good. In fact, I’ll be the nicest man in town.
Marge: You’ve made that promise before.
Homer: Yeah, but this time I’m sober. -Ish.
Todd: Daddy, are you jealous of Brother Homer?
Ned: Eh. Maybe just a tad, Todd.
Rod: I’m jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses.
Ned: One problem at a time, boy.
Nelson to Ned: Haha! Your position has been usurped! Usurped! You heard me.
Ned: Homer just burns my waffles. Pain is the cleanser! Pain is the cleanser!
Homer: You’re a hero, Homer J. You’re as crafty as a skunk. They’ll thank you in the morning for stealing Flanders’ junk. Homer J. You’re a double-bacon genius burger! And just a little drunk!
Mayor Quimby: Stop that! You can’t pray on city property.
Homer: Let’s just say that on this day a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic. But others don’t, and that’s cool. But we’re probably right. Amen.
Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays
Bart: Please. Make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times.
Mrs. Krabappel: We all got tired of that chalkboard years ago.
Mayor Quimby: That riot has far-reaching consequences. Kabul refuses to be our sister city.
Lindsay Naegle: Good evening. I’m Lindsay Naegle. And I’m the founder of SSCCATAGAPP. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and Gays Against Parasitic Parents.
Lindsay Naegle: Save your breath for blowing up water wings, breeder.
Lindsay Naegle: I dream of an America with nudity and F-words on network TV. Where the whole world doesn’t stop because a school bus did. Children are the future. Today belongs to me!
Marge: You’re my rock, Homey.
Homer: And I promise this rock is going to weigh you down for the rest of your life.
Homer: For more information, visit our website, www.aljazeera.com. We’re not affiliated, we’re just piggybacking on their message board.
Wiggum: Well let me ask you this: shut up.
I, (Annoyed Grunt)-bot
Bart: I know how you feel, Lis. No kid wants to outlive their pet.
Springfield Animal Shelter
A loving sanctuary for animals
For seven days
Lisa walking past cats in the pound: Too fluffy… too Siamese… too needy… too stuck up… infected eye… {stops} Clearly a skunk.
Announcer: There’s no love lost between these emotionless devices.
Announcer: Can robots feel pain? If so we are horrible, horrible people.
Lisa: Mom, I’m not sure God responds to threats and intimidation.
Marge: It’s the only way to talk to boys.
Lisa: To save money on a new dish, we’ll call you Snowball II and just pretend this whole thing never happened.
Skinner walking past: That’s really a cheat, isn’t it?
Lisa: I guess you’re right. Principal Tamzarian.
Skinner: Well, I’ll be moving along then. Lisa… Snowball II.
Diatribe of a Mad Housewife
Homer as he crashes through the power plant: Oh no! I hit the grief counselor!
Lisa: I’m going to go up to the fourth floor where the books are.
Bart: I’m gonna taunt the PhDs.
Marge: Marge Simpson. Long-time reader, first time stander-upper.
Ned: Some say being thoughtful is old-fashioned. If so then I guess I’m just a caveman. If they existed. Which they didn’t.
Lisa’s Libido: Let’s kiss boys! Binge and purge! Rock and roll!
Lisa’s Conscience: You’re not getting out ’til we’re sixteen.
Homer singing: Here in my car/I’m hosing off blood/Some of it’s mine/but most of it’s not.
Lisa: If Dad ever reads that book he’s gonna be so humiliated!
Bart: He’ll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make it into a movie?
Bart: He’ll never see it.
Lisa: What if they parody it on MadTV?
Bart: We’re doomed!
Apu: This is how you talk when you learn English from pornos.
Margical History Tour
Lisa: I have to research a paper. Where did all the books go?
Librarian: Books? Books are for squares. We’re now a multimedia learning center for children of all ages. But mostly bums.
Sir Thomas More: Your Majesty, I work for the Pope. And I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.
King Henry VIII: Hm. I understand. And because you’ve stuck to your principals I’m going to cannonize you.
Chief: Long have we awaited the coming of the white man… and Carl.
Chief: I offer you the guidance of my daughter, Sacagawea. In our language, her name means “know-it-all who never shuts her maize hole.”
Marge: History’s like an amusement park. Except instead of rides you have dates to memorize.
Milhouse Doesn’t Live Here Anymore
Mrs. Krabappel: Milhouse? What happened to my little class coward?
Milhouse: What do you care, Mrs. Krabappel. Or should I say, Mrs. Crab Apple!
Kearney: Crab Apple?
Jimbo:
I never thought of that.
Ralph Wiggum: Hi Bart! My nose makes its own bubblegum.
Ralph Wiggum: Eighteen, nineteen, twenty… I found you!
Bart: Ralph, we’re playing checkers.
Ralph Wiggum: I don’t like you, Boy Mommy.
Homer: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up people!
Marge: Hostess Twinkies?
Homer: I heard if you age them for ten years, they turn to liquor.
Lisa: There’s spiders in your hair!
Bart: That’s what you call commitment to a bit.
Lisa reading: The mound builders worshiped turtles as well as badgers, snakes and other animals.
Bart: Thank god we’ve come to our senses and worship a carpenter that died 2,000 years ago.
Homer: Boy are you in trouble.
Bart: What are you talking about?
Homer: When a woman says nothing’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says everything’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says something’s not funny, you’d better not laugh your ass off.
Smart and Smarter
Henry (Simon Cowell):Your baby is brilliant. Why, she could already teach at Florida State.
Henry: Meet Maggie Simpson. IQ: 167.
Philippa: 167? That’s amazing for a Christian.
Marge: Sweetie, you seem so blue. Did the last of something die?
Nelson: Floor baby! Floor baby!
Lisa: You’re making fun of him for something you made him do.
Nelson: Yeah? Well. You’re gay.
Lisa: People who accuse others of being gay are often covering up their own latent homosexuality.
Homer: Well I think we all learned a lesson today. Don’t try to be something you’re not. Namely, food.
The Ziff Who Came to Dinner
I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be
Homer: That’s it! It’s one thing for a ghost to terrorize my children. But quite another for him to play my theremin!
Artie Ziff (Jon Lovitz): I had nowhere to go. So I came here because Marge is the closest thing I’ve ever had to true love.
Marge: We had one date! And you were not a gentleman.
Marge: My husband’s going to jail and it’s all your fault. Do you know why no one likes you?
Artie Ziff: Anti-semitism?
Marge: Artie, thank you for doing the right thing. Eventually.
Co-Dependent’s Day
Lisa: Your early movies are timeless classics. Please, Mr. Curtis, go back to what made your first films so great.
Randall Curtis: You know what? You’re right. I’m going back to my roots. Plots and characters lifted from Westerns and Samurai films. To the video store!
Homer: Kids, while we’re out the TV’s in charge. Go to bed when it says.
Duff Man: Duffmensch orders you to party! This reich will last a thousand beers! Oh yah! {to himself} I do this and yet I’m Jewish.
Homer: Ah, the Germans. You just cant stay mad at them.
Wiggum: Oh my god! This DUI is a She-UI!
Marge: Oh no. I’m gonna be incarc- {hiccup} I’m gonna be incarc-{hiccup} I’m going to jail.
Marge: Look, I’m not sure this place is working. The drinkers are smoking, the smokers are drinking and the gamblers are having sex with everything that moves.
Marge: You let me believe that I’d do such a terrible thing?!
Homer: Marge, I did it out of love! Love of not being arrested!
The Wandering Juvie
Costington’s Saleswoman: This is our Little Hooker Line. All the girls your age are wearing it. Except the freakishly unpopular.
Lisa: But I’m eight years old!
Costington’s Saleswoman: So is your look.
Yes Guy: Sir! Other customers need to use that dressing room.
Homer: Dressing room? Uh oh.
Skinner: Silent anger. The cornerstone of a successful marriage.
Bart: This prank is my Sgt. Pepper’s.
Sideshow Mel: I see neither blushing bride nor ardent swain!
Bart: Ah cartoons. America’s only native art form. I don’t count jazz ’cause it sucks.
Warden: So. Why do you want to be a guard here?
Homer: I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.
My Big Fat Geek Wedding
Marge: Homer, what are you doing?
Homer: I’m changing the batteries in these remotes. We’re all out of AAAs so I’m gonna whittle down a few of these Ds.
Marge: You’re getting acid in the bed!
Marge: I’m gonna sleep on the couch.
Homer: She sure loves that couch.
Mrs. Krabappel: Why should I settle for someone who’s not passionate about me.
Marge: Oh, passion’s for teens and immigrants! I’m just glad to have someone to look at when I wake up in the morning.
Homer: If there’s one thing I know, it’s how to win back a furious woman. We’ll go to her house and I’ll whisper to you exactly what to say.
Skinner: Really? You’ll be my Cyrano?
Homer: Hey. If we get your girlfriend back I won’t have to.
Mrs. Krabappel: I love your black-tinted windows.
Comic Book Guy: Actually, they are trashbags.
Skinner: Well at least I went down like a man.
Mrs. Skinner: You look like a Malaysian transsexual.
Catch ‘Em If You Can
Marge: Shame on you two creeps!
Bart: It’s your fault, giving birth to my archenemy.
Lisa: At least I was planned!
Marge: Stop it! No one was planned.
Homer: Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs.
Bart: Like what? They’ll do something with you that they hate?
Homer: Exactly.
Lisa: This movie is drivel. She’s wooden and unpleasant, and no matter what he does he’s still Ryan O’Neal.
Marge: Bart, stop fooling with the remote!
Bart: Lisa made me with a witches spell.
Lisa: It’s called Wicca and it’s empowering.
Bart: Wicca’s a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That’s Kaballah, jerk!
Homer: As the Bible says, “Screw that!”
Homer singing: Come on everybody, have some sexual congress! Not the kind of congress that contains Paul Tsongas!
Billboard: Welcome to Atlantic City. Where New York City comes to smoke.
Marge about Bart: That boy failed show-and-tell but he’s on our ass like Sherlock Holmes.
Homer: All I wanted was a second honeymoon. And now the floor is made of lava.
US Coast Guard: Beat it, you puck-slapping maple suckers.
Canadian Coast Guard: Take a hike, you Shatner-stealing Mexico touchers!
Simple Simpson
Announcer: Welcome back to Promiscuous Idiots Island. On FOX. The home of promiscuous idiots.
Bart: What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX you know you’re going to be betrayed and humiliated.
Homer: The only thing that can make bacon more delicious is seeing how it’s made.
Apu: Okay. Farmer Billy’s smoke-cured bacon… Farmer Billy’s bacon-fed bacon… Farmer Billy’s travel bacon. Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself I also sell handguns.
Rich Texan: This table’s about as solid as your underlying concept.
Nichelle Nichols: Listen, I said it to Shatner and I’m saying it to you. There is no way I’m going to be dating a man with pie on his face.
Marge: I’m looking up your nose, but I feel like I’m staring into your soul.
Homer: I bet this is all a pretty big surprise, huh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson.
Lisa: You’re not mild-mannered. You’re often liquored-up and rude.
Homer: Honorable men can differ.
The Way We Weren’t
Bart: Uh oh. Girls. You guys need your cooties shots. {he punches them in the arm}
Milhouse: Well I hate this job, but I love the health plan.
Milhouse: I hope you like the taste of ringworm medicine!
Homer: My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine.
Homer: Hm. I guess it’s row versus wade. And it’s my right to choose.
Etiquette Instructor: Well done. I’d be proud if you grew up to be my husband’s mistress.
Marge: Thank you.
Homer: Hey, have you two longshoremen seen a pretty girl?
Homer: Marge, I’m really sorry I hurt you. But I’ve done way worse stuff since then. There was the gun I hid from you, the time I sued the church, ruining Lisa’s wedding in the future. Remember that?
Bart-Mangled Banner
Bart: This is it. They’re selling us for crash test dummies.
Lisa: Oh please let it be Volvo.
Lisa: This is ridiculous. Only babies and ex-junkies are afraid of needles. Stick me, Chuckles.
Drederick Tatum: Black-on-black violence must end. {he spins around and punches him again} That was for Dr. King.
Willie: […] I taught myself to read lips.
Postman: Morning, Willie!
Willie: What did you say about my mother? For your information, her feet stink because she works in manure all day. But it’s still the best damn Starbucks in Glasgow!
Rich Texan: How dare he! That’s the flag my Grandpappy rebelled against.
Editor: I want you to overhype this story so much it makes the New York Post look like the New York Times. Or the New York Times look like the New York Post. I forget which one the good one is.
Mayor Quimby: This could destroy our town. Looks what happened to Hitler City, North Carolina. If they hadn’t changed their name to Charlotte they’d be sunk.
Lisa: Swim towards San Francisco!
Homer: I’m not made of money. We’ll swim to Oakland.
Sailor: Come to France! And we shall mock the country that saved us twice from the Germans!
Fraudcast News
Lisa: Alright, Nelson. What kind of journalism experience do you have?
Nelson: I dunno. Making nerds cry.
Lisa: Perfect. You’re our TV critic. Ralph, what about you?
Ralph: I want to be a fire truck!
Lisa: Hm. How about a feature columnist?
Professor Frink: Great glavin’s ghost, he’s alive!
Mr. Burns: That’s right. I pulled a Jesus.
Bart: Snot a problem, chief!
Lisa: Don’t call me chief.
Bart: Sure thing, jerk!
Lisa: Chief is fine.
Burns: I’m going to shred you like a Christmas card! Now get out!
Lisa: I can’t! My mom’s not picking me up for an hour.
pause
Burns: So… what do you think of today’s popular music scene?
Lisa: I think it distracts people from more important social issues.
Burns: My god, are you always on?
Burns: This is an outrage! Since when are public figures fair game for satire?
Burns: Good god, I’m at war with a little girl. And I’m losing! Smithers, this calls for the League of Evil.
Burns: Well I guess it’s impossible to control all the media. Unless you’re Rupert Murdoch.