Treehouse of Horror XV
Bart: Am I the only one here who’s in horrible pain?
Homer: You’re the only one who won’t shut up about it!
Flanders: Concussion diddly… hemorrhage doodly… injury bodily…
Flanders: What the Family Circus! A second premonition came to fruition. Lord, why have you given me these unholy visions of doom? Sees the Rosie O’Donnell Musical—Closed after 3 performances. Well I didn’t need any special power to know that was coming.
Lisa: Mr. Flanders, why are you moving?
Flanders: Because I had a vision of myself shooting your father.
Bart: In this neighborhood, who hasn’t.
Flanders: Don’t worry, Sweetie. I’m not going to kill your father.
Homer: Flanders? Kill me! {laughs} You’ve never killed anybody and you’re going to start with the big dog?
Flanders: Homer please, don’t tempt the gods. I mean God. There’s one god. Only one. Well, sometimes there’s three.
Flanders: Quit whackin’ my barrel!
Homer: Never.
Scotland Yard
Our motto: “What’s all this, then?“
Mysterious Hindu: Please, I am not a killer! I am but a humble purveyor of disgusting British food. Lark tongues, head pudding, eel pies.
Inspector: Eel pie? My favorite! We British sure eat crap.
Bartley: Well I’ll be blazed! I know these missionaries.
I just told the natives they were having sex the wrong way.
Inspector: You’ll never catch me! I’m traveling at the speed of wind!
Ralph: Daddy, I had the craziest dream.
Inspector: Ralphie, you’re still in it.
Professor Frink: Now now, my dear woman. Don’t worry. She will be rocked gently to sleep by the stomach acids.
Professor Frink: Let the commencement beginulate!
Lisa: Dad, you should listen to him. He’s a man of science and you can barely read.
Homer: Bah! Has science ever kissed a woman? Or won the Super Bowl? Or put a man on the moon? This is what I think of your precious science! Help me Science!
Professor Frink: Watch out for retroviruses. Oh ho boy, are they retro. It’s a fun design by R. Crumb. Who was friends with Harvey Pekar. Seriously though, touch one and you’re dead.
Homer: I need a mouth hole. Um… and some other holes too.
All’s Fair in Oven War
Homer: Marge, I don’t want to buy this house. I’d have to live next door to myself!
Marge: Oo, a Sub-Zero fridge!
Homer: A slightly colder fridge in my lifetime? Amazing!
Marge: Playdude magazine? Have you been hiding bosom rags from me?
Homer: Trying to.
Marge: If I can feed a family of five on twelve dollars a week I can do anything.
Lisa: You feed us on twelve dollars a week?
Marge: I stretch your father’s meatloaf with sawdust.
Marge: Those cheaters blackened my sugar wieners!
Homer: Do you know what a boob is?
Bart: Oh yeah.
Homer: Good. That’ll save us some time.
Sleeping with the Enemy
Lisa: Dad, the kids at school said my butt’s big.
Homer: That’s ridiculous, honey. You’re the cutest little girl I know. You just have what is known as the Simpson butt. Permit me to elaborate. Every Simpson starts with a circle. Daddy has one big circle here… a smaller one up here… two big sexy circles for eyes. One macho muzzle. And a snappy new outfit. Oo, I’m lookin’ good! Oo! Cuffs! Yeah. And for some reason my hair and my ear form an M and a G.
Marge: Aren’t you the boy that beats up my son?
Nelson: Probably.
Bart: Mom, when I want lame and needy, I’ll call Milhouse. No offense.
Marge: Fine. I’ll take my mothering elsewhere.
Nelson: I get the feeling Bart isn’t everything he could be in the son department.
Bart: My mother. My bully. My god!
Marge: Bart, have you ever eaten a Tootsie Pop? You know there’s a tough crunchy shell, but if you lick it there’s a deliciousness sweetness inside. Be nice to Nelson and I’ll give you a Tootsie Pop.
Nelson: He who haha’s last, haha’s best.
Lisa: I really appreciate you teaching those mean girls a lesson.
Nelson: Tomorrow I can bleach a swear word into their hair.
Lisa: I’d like that.
Bart: So now that you’re happy again, I guess you won’t beat me up at school anymore.
Nelson: I wish it were that simple. I really do.
Homer: And Lisa, what have you learned?
Lisa: Nothing. Like many women I still have an unhealthy obsession with my weight.
Homer: But talking about the problem is the first step toward the solution, right?
Lisa: I guess. But there’s a long way to go.
Homer: Come on, say something conclusive!
Lisa: I’m afraid this is a very open-ended problem.
Homer: Oh! Open-ended! Come on, Lisa. Say everything’s fine. “Everything’s fine.”
Lisa: That was you.
Homer: Prove it! Heh heh heh heh.
She Used to Be My Girl
Poking dead raccoons is not research
Marge: This is the most exciting scandal since the Juice was on the loose.
Lisa: The Juice is still on the loose.
Marge: Augh!
Homer about the two-headed goat: One of you ate cans, one of you ate health food. How you solved crimes I’ll never know.
Women’s Conference: Sexy Asian Girls Talk About Wage Disparity
Marge: I don’t see Lisa in any of the seminars.
Homer: And I’m growing ashamed of my penis.
Chloe Talbot (Kim Cattrall): How about a half-hour of pity sex?
Barney: Is there any other kind?
Fat Man and Little Boy
Bart: The Tooth Fairy’s made a donation in my name to the United Way. That gossamer witch!
Marge: I like t-shirts with a nice joke. Like “Support Our Troops.”
Homer: Bart’s shirt is a classic, Marge. Just like “Keep on Truckin’.” As if I would ever want to stop truckin’.
Homer: Nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric single man takes an interest in their child.
Lisa: We’re supposed to do this without parental help.
Homer: Sweetie, that’s orphan talk.
Homer: Hey! Maybe the internet has the information I need. It certainly answered a lot of my questions about wang enhancement.
Midnight Rx
Mr. Burns: Greetings, wage donkeys.
Drug Company Exec: Let me just start by saying it is always a pleasure to sit down with a mother and daughter who have snuck past security and burst into my office.
Grampa: I didn’t die in World War II just to be pushed around by some pill-hoardin’ hussy.
Homer: Drugs! Various drugs! Be sure to read the instructions! Uh oh! Where’d I put the instructions!
Homer: Oh! My butt looks so big on perp walks.
Homer: We really appreciate your help, Johnny. Is there anyway we can repay you?
Johnny: Well I’ve always wanted to see a man with the IQ of a child executed by the state. We don’t get that up here.
Homer: Really? In America we did it four times a week.
Mommie Beerest
Homer: Now remember to eat smart, people. Go for the fancy food. Don’t let them fill you up with the cheap stuff.
Health Inspector: Mr. Szyslak, your tavern is rife with health code violations.
Moe: What? You gotta be kidding me! Like what?
Health Inspector: For starters, the body of my predecessor is still on the floor.
Homer: I can’t go to a gay bar! I’m too fat.
Moe: Marge, my customers don’t like themselves. Therefore they seek the darkness.
Marge: Well as fabulous as your regulars are, a remodel might bring in a high class of lush.
Moe: Look, I like Moe’s the way it is, all right? And I ain’t changin’ it for any dame, skirt, Suzy-Q or face-macer.
Lenny: Homer, it’s time you learned the sad truth.
Homer: Can I learn it in a happy place?
Itchy & Scratchy Land: Built by Imagination and Non-union Labor
Homer and Ned’s Hail Mary Pass
Comic Book Guy: He makes me look cool. And cool, I am not. May I upload your footage onto my website?
Flanders: Well, sir, I don’t believe we’ve ever met.
Comic Book Guy: My name is Jeff Albertson. Everyone calls me Comic Book Guy.
Flanders: Well, I’ll just call you friend. Here’s your tape, friend.
Homer: The internet wasn’t created for mockery. It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was!
Flanders: Reverend, thanks for turning the church into a “He without sin-o-plex.”
Carl: Hey Lovejoy, you could take a lesson from Flanders. You know, inject your sermons with a little razzle dazzle.
Lovejoy: Well I already do, if by razzle you mean piety, and by dazzle you mean Scriptural accuracy.
Carl to Lenny: What a tool.
Sports Newscaster: But first, professional sports continues its downward march into the gutter.
Homer: Heh heh heh. This is either about me or steroids.
Chalmers: Skinner, be gay on your own time.
Pranksta Rap
Lisa: Just what we need. Another lame suburban kid who loves rap.
Bart: So? You like the Blues.
Lisa: Yes, but the Blues are unpopular.
Bart: Mom! Lisa’s dissin’ me!
Marge: Dissin’? Do rappers still say that?
Marge: Rap music belongs in the rubbish bin. It encourages punching, boastfulness and rudeness to hos.
Bart: Step off, Mom. Rap is the poetry of the street.
Marge: Well you are not going to any concert that propagates street talk.
Bart: Jeepers, it’s 50 Cent!
50 Cent: Yo, B. I heard you throw down on stage. Wanna join my world tour?
Bart: Sorry, 50. I have school tomorrow.
50 Cent: You’re right. The more you know, the further you go. And that’s one to grow on. {to his assistant} Does that count as community service?
Assistant: No.
50 Cent: A’ight, take me to the park. We’ll pick up some dog poop.
Alcatraz: Here you go, you little yellow cracker. Now let’s go murder our enemies. Peace.
There’s Something About Marrying
Howell Huser: I was attacked, humiliated, and fed misleading gum. I give Springfield the lowest rating I’ve ever given a city. A six out of ten.
Mayor Wiggum: Springfield: A place where everyone can marry. Even dudes. We’re just off route 202. Do not take the Jefferson Avenue exit. For God’s sake, do not take that exit!
Rev. Lovejoy: While I have no opinion for or against your sinful lifestyle, I cannot put marry two people of the same sex any more than I can put a hamburger on a hot dog bun.
Bart: All you can do now is wait for some other guys to turn.
Homer: Hm. Where’s Lenny and Carl?
Marge: Don’t you push them! They’ve got to work that out for themselves.
On a Clear Day I Can’t See My Sister
Beer in a milk carton is not milk
Uter: I feel like I’m in Fitzcarraldo.
Nelson: That movie was flawed!
Homer about Sprawl Mart: Oh I just love it here. So many things and so many things of each thing.
Gary Busey: I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. Joe is me. And “Mary” is a composite of twelve different women and a small independent film company, all of whom couldn’t deal with me. Because I’m too real.
Lisa: Stupid selfish Bart. Like he’s ever gonna do another nice thing for me. Oh! He’s building a me! Well, I mean it’s a little American Primitive, but who am I to dismiss outsider art.
Jimbo: Yo Bart. We’re ready to torch the Wicker Witch of the West.
Kearney: Jimbo. The real one’s here.
Jimbo: Oh man. This is every effigist’s worst nightmare.
Lisa: Oh Bart. I missed your lies. And I was kind of a pill I guess.
Bart: Oh Lisa. You just poked my feelings. I’m sorry.
Goo Goo Gai Pan
Robert Wagner: What do you know, she’s out of eggs. And if you’re watching this, so are you.
Selma: Marge, when are we going to tell Homer he has to pretend to be my husband?
Marge: Wait ’til the Drambuie and sleeping pills kick in.
Homer: Hey look! A dragon!
Dragon: Hello, Homer. Give me your peanuts and you can fly on my back.
Homer drunkenly: I’ll give you… one!
Dragon: Oh, you are a very greedy man. The other dragons shall hear of this.
Homer at Mao’s tomb: Look at him sleeping. He’s like a little angel that killed fifty million people.
MC: I regret to inform you that our final stunt will not be performed. Our star acrobat had an onset of outspokenness and suffered a bullet-related death.
Madam Wu (Lucy Liu): Only you can prevent this riot and save our beloved Communist dictatorship.
Homer: You guys are Commies? Then why am I seeing rudimentary free markets?
Mobile Homer
Homer: What?! Spider poison is people poison?
Insurance Agent: Are you a smoker?
Homer: Yes I am.
Marge: You don’t smoke!
Homer: Sh. I want her to think I’m cool.
Bart: Budget-O’s?
Marge: That’s right. It’s much less expensive than the leading clown-based cereal. You just have to assemble it yourself.
Homer: I have a backyard that makes my front yard look like an idiot.
Homer: This is a parent’s worst nightmare. They’ve stolen a car and they’re home alone!
The Seven-Beer Snitch
Frank Gehry: Bill… bill… Bilbao bill… Snoopy stationery!
Marge: Don’t leave now. The next piece is an atonal medley by Phillip Glass.
Officer Krackney (Charles Napier): Let’s see now. Barely finished high school, you challenged me to fight six times since the interview began…
Homer: Make it seven!
Officer Krackney: Mr. Simpson, I like the way you go nuts over nothing.
Mr. Burns: Simpson! I haven’t seem so many drugs in a wang since I ran a Chinese opium den.
Homer: But he misread my pee! He misread my pee!
Homer: I’m not supposed to be new meat! I’m supposed to have your job!
Officer Krackney: I’m sick of you positing on alternate realities.
Mr. Burns: There are perks. Private cell, extra dessert, and this adorable little hat.
Homer: Well I am a sucker for little hats.
Future-Drama
Bart: Yeah, well you love Moleman.
Lisa: No you do. You’re gay for Moleman!
Bart: You’re gay for Moleman!
Moleman: No one’s gay for Moleman.
Lisa: Even though McDonald’s owns Yale now, it’s still a great school.
Lisa: I could never afford to go there if I hadn’t won the Montgomery Burns Scholarship.
Genda (Amy Poehler): Oh yeah. That’s the thing he had to do as punishment for stealing Christmas?
Lisa: Yeah. I miss Christmas.
Homer: Hey! Come back with my patio furniture! Stupid flounders.
Lisa: Let’s see, should I major in Femistry or Galgebra.
Bart: Listen, Lis, I gotta tell you something. I’m going to Yale.
Lisa: What?! I don’t want to go to the same college as you.
Bart: Then I got some great news! You’re not going to Yale.
Don’t Fear the Roofer
Ray Magini (Ray Romano): Look at the size of that nacho plate. I haven’t seen this much cheese since I left my Billy Joel tapes out in the sun.
Homer: Hahahaha! The sun.
Marge: Homer, I woke up to an owl eating a mouse on the pillow next to me.
Homer: I think that means six more weeks of Autumn.
Marge: I think that means you have to fix the roof.
Ray: So as I was saying Homer, Mondays, 9 o’clock, CBS. They say everybody loves that guy but I don’t get it.
Homer: What are you talking about?
Ray: I’m just saying, catch it while you still can.
The Heartbroke Kid
Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner, be gay on your own time.
Bart: My heart, it hurts so much. Like it’s caught in a vise!
Homer: Oh ho ho. My little boy’s in love.
Lisa: I think he’s having a heart attack.
Flanders: Son we’re here to help with your… uh, which addiction are we going after here?
Homer: Overeating. And if there’s time we’ll get to my drinking. But there won’t be time.
Marge: Homer, maybe you could ask Mr. Burns for a raise.
Homer: Even better, I’ll ask him for my job back!
Tab Spangler (Al Brooks): C’mon, let’s look for your dad. And if we have some time maybe we’ll look for mine.
Bart: I’ve learned that even made-up corporate shills can lie to you.
Homer: I am not too fat. I’m alive, aren’t I?
Tab Spangler: Mr. Simpson, you’re suffering from P.S.I. {points to the PSI sign} Poor Self Esteem. That’s not I. Every sign is wrong!
Homer: Oh that’s terrible.
Tab Spangler: We got a long drive ahead. You wanna pull off at a motel? We’ll split a room.
Homer: Where will I sleep?
Tab Spangler: We can worry about that when we’re standing naked before the bed! My goodness! No wonder you eat. What are you eating now?
Homer: Cheeseburger.
Tab Spangler: You’re a catastrophe! Let me have half of it.
Homer: I don’t wanna.
Tab Spangler: I just want the cheese. I don’t want the meat. I do want the meat!
Homer: Here’s a corner.
Tab Spangler: Let me just bite it. Don’t rip it! Let me have the whole thing. You’ll get some later.
Homer: You’re a selfish jerk.
Tab Spangler: I’ve smelled it. It has to be eaten!
Homer: But it’s my burger.
Tab Spangler: I’m driving. I’ll kill us.
Homer: Fine. I’d rather die.
A Star Is Torn
Homer: I don’t miss meat at all! This portabello mushroom eats like a steak. A rubbery fungus-like steak.
Bart: I feel like something crawled inside me a took a crap.
Marge: Bart, don’t use that word. I— Crap.
Lisa: Dad, I’m sorry you’re hurt but you left me no choice. You were obnoxious at a level not even permitted in show business.
Homer: Do you know the hours I worked? The people I had to yell at, the tires I had to slash.
Lisa: No one asked you to yell and slash!
Homer: It’s called shmoozing!
Homer: He’s about to learn the most important lesson in the music business: don’t trust people in the music business.
Thank God, It’s Doomsday
Mr. Thompson: We were fools! And because we rejected God—tacitly accepting Satan—we must suffer through the Apocalypse.
Homer: Marge the Rapture is nigh. These books will help me figure out how nigh.
Homer: It’s the end of the world! God loves you! He’s going to kill you!
Moe: I was wondering if you could help me save my soul. I’ve done stuff I ain’t proud of. And the stuff that I am proud of, is disgusting.
Homer: Stupid family. Won’t even come to my Rapture. I went to Lisa’s play! Which had serious pacing problems.
Home Away from Homer
A booger is not a bookmark
Homer: Hey, you wear a bathing suit in the bathtub?
Ned: Yeah! So I can’t see my own shrinky-dink.
Homer: Makes… sense.
Marge: What language is this? Gibby Gabby?
Bart: It’s Albanian. But the producers added subtitles to make it “commercial”.
Lisa: Mom! I don’t wanna read. It’s the weekend! {he pulls his shirt over his head}
Marge: Bart, don’t make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.
Bart: I know what we can ask Jeeves. Why does he suck.
Homer: What are you guys laughing at? If you say Jimmy Fallon, I’ll know you’re lying.
Ned: I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear which only exists in the brains of us Republicans.
Rod: Daddy, why do you have to shave your nose neighbor?
Ned: You know what? I’m not gonna. My mustache has the right to life. It’s my body and my choice!
Homer: Oh! Who am I fooling with my awesome lies! I want you to come back to Springfield.
Ned: Why? So you can make me a laughingstock again?
Homer: No. I want to make you a respectingstock.
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star
Willie: Auch! Me face. What drunken callgirl will have me now?!
Sister: In the old days, we’d use a ruler to deal with incorrigibles like you.
Bart: Thanks for the history lesson, Sis.
Sister: These days, we use a yard stick!
Bart: I’ll show you! I’ll move thirty-three inches away.
Sister: A yard’s thirty-six!
Bart: Oh. Now you tell me.
Bart: Stupid Catholic school. Suffering for my hip attitude. I’m the real Jesus here.
Father Sean (Liam Neeson): So it’s sacrilege you’re spouting now.
Bart: What’s it to ya, Irish?
Father Sean: I was laying in the gutter, picking up my teeth, when St. Peter himself appeared before me. “Sean, ya wanker,” he says. “Repent of your wicked ways or sod off.” Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a street light. And that’s how I came to the church.
Dying Roman Soldier: I wish I’d gone to more orgies!
Marge: Bart I’m glad you had fun, but I wouldn’t get too into that Catholic church. With all the sitting and standing and kneeling. It’s like Simon Says without a winner.
Bart: Mom! That’s blasphemy! I’ll say the Rosary for you.
Marge: Don’t you touch bead one!
Homer: You’ve transformed breakfast into dinner. It’s a miracle! Log Cabin full of taste, my stomach is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst syrups, and blessed—
Sister: No prayin’ to the condiments!
Homer: Man, you guys got more crazy rules than Blockbuster Video.
Father Sean: Well that’s true. Bt if you do break a rule you can always find absolution in the sacrament of confession.
Homer: Wait wait wait. No matter what I did, no matter how many people lost their pensions, it’s forgiven like that?
Father Sean: If you truly repent, then yes.
Homer: Okay, let’s make some magic here!
Marge: Homer, you’ve been out all night. And you look like you’ve accepted someone as your personal something. Were you at that Catholic church?
Ned: Marge, this calls for an emergency meeting of the church’s spiritual council. To Stuckey’s!
Marge: I just don’t think your father’s the right person to pick out a religion for you!
Bart: Okay, I’ll pick a religion for me. Judaism. “Don’t have a cow, man. Don’t have a cow, man. Don’t have a cow, man. Have a piece of fish! Oy!”
Reverend Lovejoy: Bart, we’re here to bring you back to the one true faith. The Western Branch of American Reformed Presbylutheranism.
Homer: Face it, Marge, Catholics rule. We got Boston, South America, the good part of Ireland, and we’re making serious inroads in Mozambique, baby!
Marge: Well I’m going to show Bart that Protestants can be hip too. How do you like those croutons!
Homer: Oh! Why does that woman thwart my sporadic interest in my children?