Moonshine River
I will not wear white after Labor Day
Homer: Nobody likes to be rejected and it never gets easier until you can drink. Because then you can express your unfiltered feelings by drunk dialing.
Homer: Son, you can dial down the crazy. Your mother and I talked about it and we found a way to get to New York.
Bart: I guess my search for true love is doomed.
Homer: You’ve learned a very valuable life lesson, boy. Which is that love doesn’t exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that it’s just hanging out with someone who kinda hates you but you can’t get it together to leave.
Marge: Just once I’d like your father to be on a Jumbotron for something good.
Mary Spuckler (Zooey Deschanel): How’s your mom and your sister?
Bart: Trying to find high culture at low prices.
Marge: Well at least it didn’t end as bad as Romeo and Juliet.
Homer: No kidding. I saw your reviews.
Treehouse of Horror XXIII
Marge: Quit bageling my English muffin!
Homer: Now, before we start what’s the safe word?
Demon: Cinnamon.
Homer: Oo! I like that. Now, I’d like to try something new if you don’t mind.
Demon: Cinnamon! Cinnamon! Cinnamon!
Bart: Now to get my comic book and explore a world where no one’s mad at George Lucas.
Homer: Ice cream with cookie dough! Unnecessarily big TVs! Thursday night football! And the globe feels so warm. I am in awe of the future!
Adventures in Baby Getting
Bart: Oh man, I gotta climb stairs? Forget it.
Marge: No one stays in the sinkhole!
Bart: Lousy surface dwellers.
Moe: In this town you learn to adjust to things. Runaway monorail, NASCAR star Jeff Gordon.
Jeff Gordon walking past: Hey Moe.
Moe: Hey. Bet we never see him again.
Mechanic: As a mechanic I’m not totally qualified to judge mental health.
Homer: So you’re not totally unqualified.
Bart: What are you doing Tuesdays and Thursdays after school?!
Lisa: What do you do Tuesdays and Thursdays after school?
Bart: Write stupid stuff on the chalkboard. And if you have any ideas I’d really like to hear them. Today’s was Mousetraps are not slippers or something. Now, what are you up to?
Lisa: A gentleman doesn’t ask and a lady doesn’t tell.
Bart: Can I use that on the chalkboard?
Lisa: I guess.
Bart: “A gentleman doesn’t ask, a lady doesn’t tell.” Now all I need is one for Martin Luther King Day.
Homer: I mean I’m no Luis Guzman but I’m all right.
Gone Abie Gone
I will not concede the election till Karl Rove gives me permission
Judge: Homer Simpson, you shall receive five thousand dollars after legal fees.
Roberto Dinero: Pay up, Krusty.
Krusty: It wasn’t even my place! Man, I got a bad lawyer.
Moe: Hey hey hey! Don’t you badmouth this country. Compared to the rest of the third world we’re doing great.
Penny-Wiseguys
I want to secede but don’t know which state I’m in
Reverend Lovejoy: Well. Looks like the faithful have defeated a hedonist, a Hindu and… what are you?
Moe: You know when your dog’s having a bad dream? That’s who I pray to.
Dan (Steve Carrell): I’m just a numbers guy. And the only reason I say numbers guy instead of Wharton MBA is because I want to blend in.
Dr. Hibbert: Well once again laughter is the worst medicine.
Dr. Hibbert: Young lady, you’re not getting enough iron.
Marge: Please say it’s the vegetarianism.
Lisa: It’s not the vegetarianism!
Dr. Hibbert: It’s a little bit the vegetarianism.
Lenny: So you’re saying you’d rather do the prettiest dude in the world than the ugliest broad?
Carl: Absolutely. But how did we get here from discussing Aristotle’s Poetics?
Bart: Lisa eats bugs!
Homer: Bart! This is America. Anyone can eat what they want as long as it’s too much.
Dan: How do you keep finding me?
Homer: You really should tweet less.
A Tree Grows in Springfield
20 More Shoplifting Days Till Christmas
Marge: I don’t care for silent auctions. It just encourages hovering.
Marge about the MyPad: That adult etch-a-sketch certainly has brightened your mood.
Homer: Oh yeah! You can look at it this way {turns it} or this way—whether you want to or not. And it’s got awesome games liked Apped Out {unavailable}. Virtual Stapler! Sounds just like a stapler and it never runs out. Unless you tell it to. Here’s one that gives you a cool 70s mustache. “I’m Sonny Bono! Watch out for that tree!”
Marge: Homey, it looks like you’re putting all your eggs in one basket.
Homer: What would you have me do? One basket for each egg?
Homer: Oh Lord, when things looked darkest you gave me light. Then you switched it off, knowing full well I had declined Thine Infernal Mapple Care. Please, grant me the wisdom to understand your capricious, nasty mind.
Ned: Don’t eat the miracle!
Homer: Fine. I’ll just go eat the body of God. That’s not crazy!
The Day the Earth Stood Cool
Homer: Can I man-hug you?
Aaron: Sure.
Homer: I don’t know how!
T-Rex: We don’t own a “TV.”
Lisa: I didn’t know that was an option!
Homer: Check it out, Flanders. Us cool dads are sharing a mono-yard. Guess I can’t be your best friend anymore.
Flanders: To be honest that comes as a tremendous relief.
Marge: The kids are a mess! You brought them home exhausted and pretentious.
Homer: Your organic all-natural lifestyle has doomed us all!
To Cur With Love
Bart: Santa’s Little Helper! Santa’s Little Helper!
Lisa: I love that dog. But that is one long stupid name.
Grampa: Homer and that dog went together like Christmas and suicidal thoughts.
Herman: When God closes a door he opens a gun shop.
Lisa: Grampa, why is the saddest story you ever told the only one that makes sense?
Mr. Burns: I guess it’s time I explained to these good people the upcoming Fiscal Cliff. Think of the economy as a car and the rich man as the driver. If you don’t give the driver all the money, he’ll drive you over a cliff. It’s just common sense.
Homer Goes to Prep School
Teacher did not get fat over the holidays
Overhead: Welcome to the Mormon Church. America’s most respectable cult.
Chalmers: There is an alternative to suicide.
Homer: I can’t conceive of any.
Bart: What’s up? Going crazy again?
Homer: I wish. Son, the best way to explain this is to show you some age-inappropriate movies.
Homer: So, what have you learned so far from our post-apocalyptic marathon?
Bart: Guys who call themselves Preacher or Deacon are very bad. Water is money—unless gasoline is money. And even though lots of things are razor sharp no one ever shaves.
A Test Before Trying
I will obey Oscar® campaign rules from now on
Kent Brockman: And in retrospect, city officials regret holding the gang truce negotiations at Santa’s Village.
Homer: When I found out shrimp cocktails had no alcohol I really lost interest.
Marge: …and I hope that Bart passes the test and saves our school.
Homer: Way to get us back on topic, Marge.
Changing of the Guardian
Lisa on the impending tornado: Twister!
Bart: No! Whenever we play that my elbow touches Dad’s junk.
Lisa: No! Outside the house!
Homer: Dear Lord, if Thine tornado must take me, please let it take me to Oz. But don’t let Flanders be the scarecrow.
Bart: How about asking that Japanese guy that set the world record for eating hot dogs? He’s like the successful version of Dad.
Lisa: Princeton BA. Oxford MA. I smell a Rhodes!
Portia: No, I turned it down because Cecil Rhodes was such a racist.
Homer: No one steals my kids! Except me. From that theme park jail. That I never told you about except I guess I just did. We’re all caught up now.
Love Is a Many Splintered Thing
I was not nominated for “Best Spoken Swear Word”
Brandine: Now let’s enjoy the granola bars that city fella gave us in exchange for letting him go.
Cletus: That’ll teach him to try to preserve our folk singing for posterity.
Mary Spuckler: Bart Simpson, you get out of that god darned fugue state this instant. Lift my spirits.
Bart: Gimme another chance. I’ll be way more attentive to your needs on the see-saw. I’ll stay down there for as long as you want.
Marge: You’re both in the dog house. Which is misleading because I still like the dog.
Bart about Great Britain: Hard to believe that country used to rule anything.
Hardly Kirk-ing; The Longest Daycare
I will not tweet as the principal’s toilet
Ice-Road Hand-Fisher: This has been our way of life since we were pitched the idea by reality show producers.
Marge: Okay, no TV at all.
Homer: Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment. But like Prohibition it will end in a hail of bullets.
Homer: How many kids will Jazz corrupt?
Gorgeous Grampa
Homer: Hmph. I can’t believe you’re reading a book when there’s so much great stuff on TV.
Lisa: Hm. You’re right. It is the golden age of well-written, brillantly-acted TV shows.
Homer: Writing is for bathroom walls and acting is for getting out of DUIs.
Lisa: Why don’t you put a personal ad on the internet? That’s how young people date these days.
Bart: It’s weird that you don’t consider yourself a young person.
Lisa: I know. It’s weird to me too.
Mr. Burns: The world may have despised Glamorous Godfrey, but that conceited mother-puncher was my hero.
Sideshow Mel: I’ve never seen anyone so full of self-regard! And I’ve worked with Bob Balaban.
Black Eyed, Please
I’m sorry I broke the blackboard
Homer: I didn’t know you were left-handed.
Ned: Do you mind if I pray at your bedside?
Homer: No I don’t. If you pray to Superman.
Ned: I’m not praying to a character
in a comic book.
Homer: What about Christian Archie Comics?
Ned: Neither canonical nor comical.
Ned: Was this always waiting for me or was it recently thrown together? That’s what I want to know.
Lisa: What if I home school?
Miss Cantwell: You’re bluffing. I’ve driven by your home.
Homer: What do you want?
Ned: I want you to punch me in the eye. If you do then we’re even according to Exodus, Leviticus and Matthew.
Homer: You went and hired a law firm, eh?
Lisa: Can I ask you guys something? Why does someone become a bully?
Jimbo: Neglect.
Dolph: Abuse.
Kearney: I’m a Cubs fan.
Miss Cantwell: I just went to the bathroom for two minutes!
Bart: I know. I posted a video online.
Miss Cantwell: You two are the worst dressed gay men I’ve ever met!
Dark Knight Court
Jesus’ Last Words Were Not “TGIF”
Martin: Who could have shoved eggs up our brass?
Mr. Burns: How much for your entire collection?
Comic Book Guy: Um. The speed of light expressed in dollars.
Mr. Burns: Just give him Faraday’s constant.
Lisa: Nice going, Bart. You’ve ruined Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. The legendary Grand Slam!
Homer: Oh, I don’t like the sound of that funeral march.
Skinner: I’m afraid once a Youth Court has been demanded we are legally obligated to shut down mob rule. As decided in the case Rubber v. Glue. And reaffirmed by I Know You Are v. What Am I?.
Grampa: See here, sass mouth. You’re not too big for me to tan your hide.
Bart: It’s not a threat if I don’t know what it means.
Mr. Burns: I shall be Fruit Bat Man.
Smithers: Great. Great. I don’t suppose you’ll be forgetting about this tomorrow.
Mr. Burns: No sooner than I’d forget my own mother.
Smithers: That’s not your mother. That’s your bear.
Mr. Burns: Well where’s my stuffed mother?
Ralph: Yay! Field Day! I can go cuckoo and no one can stop me!
Janet Reno: That’s exactly what George W. Bush when he was inaugurated. People don’t remember that.
Mr. Burns: Which side won, good or evil?
Smithers: Good.
Mr. Burns: And which side was I on?
Smithers: Also good.
Mr. Burns: Well, there’s two surprises!
Bart: You saved me, Lis. For the rest of my life you’ll always be my one phone call.
What Animated Women Want
Marge: I’m thinking of sending Maggie to swimming lessons.
Homer: Beats drowning.
Homer: How do I win Marge over? I could get her kids to like me! … Naw, that ship has sailed.
Milhouse: Lisa, did you see Marlon Brando in Mutiny on the Bounty?
Lisa: No! Nobody did!
Marge: How many times do I have to tell you to stop comparing our relationship to the Special Olympics.
Marge: This is not putting me in the mood.
Homer: Anger’s a mood.
Pulpit Friction
Moe: Bring out your bed! Bring out your bed!
Bart: What’s the hurry?
Marge: I don’t want a comedian knowing my dress size.
Homer: If it’s such a good book, how come there’s no blurbs on the back? Not even David Sedaris! And he’ll flack anything!
Homer: I’m not one for taking new jobs on a whim, but as we say in the snow plow business, “I’m your astronaut!”
Rev. Elijah Hooper (Edward Norton): So you see, what Jesus is saying really can be explained by an episode of Californication.
Ned: Church songs with clapping. I don’t think this is what Martin Presbyluther had in mind when he founded our religion by sticking his three suggestions under the Pope’s windshield wiper.
Moe: I’m more frog than Moe!
Oogle Street View Crew: All right, we collected all the personal information from Flanders, Ned. Let’s move on to the next house.
Oogle Street View Crew: Hm, that’s weird. Four spheres. Two small, two gigantic. Better zoom in.
Whiskey Business
Moe: Four guys, a chick and a noose. Just like the movies I like to watch.
Lenny: Capitol City has a twin?
Carl: It moved to California to be a star, but it just turned into Glendale.
Marge: No husband of mine is wearing a tent.
Homer: No tents, no barrels, no kiddie pools. Thank you, fashion police!
Otto: Lights and magic, Lisa. You don’t need anything else. But I took a bunch of stuff just in case.
Moe: I do have this bourbon that I brewed myself. It’ll either be the best thing you’ve ever had or the last thing you ever have.
The Fabulous Faker Boy
This school is not falling apart
Martin: Let me go. I have a swim lesson with a gorgeous lifeguard.
Dolph: What gender?
Martin: You’re not allowed to ask.
Marge: What are you doing?
Slava: I want to go backwards. Like Russian economy after Putin.
Marge: Stop making Putin jokes.
Slava: You sound like police! Under Putin.
30 seconds to Justin Bieber. You may start, or stop, watching depending on your beliefs.
The Saga of Carl
Announcer: From a shaolin monastery in darkest Transylvania, come helpful hell spawn! With homicidal honor, they rampage for peace! Ki-ya!
Moe: Lenny, you get the drinks.
Lenny: But we’re already at a bar.
Moe: Oh no, that’s just gasoline and hot dog water.
Marge: You’re going so far away. I’ll miss you.
Homer: Baby, I’m going for us. That money’s gonna dig us a swimming pool that’ll take our broken family and make it whole.
Marge: We’re not broken!
Bart: We’re broken.
Lisa: We’re pretty broken.
Lenny: That’ll show Carl for defriending us in real life.
Dangers on a Train
Lisa: Wait, you named me after a train?
Homer: Yeah. Just like we did with Bart.
Homer singing: “I’ve been working on the railroad.”
Marge: Why are you singing that?
Homer: Because it’s in the public domain?
Bart: Mom! Lisa made me break a lamp!
Lisa: Mom! Bart’s twisting facts in an Orwellian fashion!
Watching Upton Rectory
Apu: Once again Bombay is denuded of her treasure by the Imperialist devils.
Manjula: Why do we watch this show?
Apu: Because I like the costumes!
Homer: Wow Moe. Great shrub costume.
Moe: Yeah, I sell ’em on the internet for like-minded people.
Homer: You think we’ll last 25 years?
Bart: Nothing should.
Reverend Lovejoy: Trains. They can fix every marriage.