Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang
Gwen: Excuse me. Have you seen a blowfish driving a sportscar? The woman points the way Thank you.
Woman: Bloody Torchwood.
Gwen: All I’m saying is you are speeding and there are children.
Owen: Well if kids are out at midnight they’ve got it coming.
Tosh: Detecting high levels of algae.
Gwen: Who’s afraid of a big scary fish, then?
Owen: It’s a big fish with a gun.
Jack: Got pretty organized without me.
Gwen: Yeah, well we had to.
Jack: Hey, did you decorate in here?
Gwen: You left us Jack!
Jack: I know. I’m sorry.
Gwen: We knew nothing, Jack.
Owen: Where were you?
Jack: I found my doctor.
Owen: Did he fix you?
Jack: What’s to fix? You don’t mess with this level of perfection.
Andy: This another one of your spooky doos, is it?
Gwen: Don’ know yet, but I’ll let you know.
Owen: Okay, so who the hell was that bloke in the hologram?
Ianto: I know Jack recognized him.
Tosh: Why didn’t he let us go with him?
Gwen: ‘Cause he’s typical Jack, isn’t he? He disappears, he comes back, then he runs away again. Shuts us out. We don’t even know his real name.
Tosh: Or which time he comes from.
Gwen: Exactly. He’s supposed to be our boss and we know nothing about him. Drives me crazy.
Ianto: It is more fun when he’s around though.
Owen: Yeah. No. Definitely.
Gwen: Yeah it is.
Jack: The work we do, the person I am now, that’s what I’m proud of.
Gwen: Then why did you desert us? Where did you go? No no, c’mon on. Where did you go. Tell me. Talk to me.
Jack: I have died so many times. Been dragged back into life. Like being hauled over broken glass. I saw the end of the world.
Gwen: How?
Jack: It doesn’t matter how. But after it was all over I knew I belong here. What kept me fighting was the thought of coming home to you.
Hart: Pretty and resilient. Is that even fair.
Gwen: Maybe you didn’t realize. you can beat, shoot, threaten and even poison us and we keep coming back. Stronger every time.
Hart: Well I think you oughta know your boss is splayed out on the— Jack walks in pavement. Now that’s impressive. Seriously, you can earn a fortune in the Vegas galleries with an act like that. Go on, how’s it work?
Jack: I can’t die.
Hart: No but really?
Jack: No but really.
Hart: I think I’m starting to see what he likes about this place.She’s beautiful. He’s stunning.
Gwen: Don’t you ever stop?
Hart: What? Five minutes to live you want me to behave? spots someone he fancies Oh that’s gorgeous.
Gwen: That’s a poodle.
Sleeper
Beth: Your bedside manner’s rubbish.
Gwen: You should see his manners in bed. They’re atrocious. Apparently. So I’ve heard.
Ianto: Oh, they are. I remember this one time—
Jack: Ahem.
Gwen: Do you feel human?
Beth: Yes.
Gwen: Yes. Well then you are. What makes us human is in our minds not our bodies.
Gwen: It’ll be just like you go to sleep.
Owen: Only a bit colder.
To the Last Man
Jack: Okay. Linear time. Screwed up time. Imagine your life is a straight line. From birth to death. Now try drawing that line on the paper without straightening it out.
Gwen: It’s impossible.
Jack: That’s why we’ve gotta stop it.
Meat
Owen: Well the DNA tracers are stable, there are some signs of animal sedative. But no detectable diseases or residues. My guess is it’s good to eat.
Gwen: Would you eat it?
Ianto: Pizza’s arrived. I presumed it would be a late one.
Owen: What’d you get me?
Ianto: Usual. Meat Feast.
Owen: Lovely.
Gwen: I have to stop home and check on Rhys first.
Jack: Good idea. Find out how much he knows.
Gwen: That’s not what I meant.
Gwen: Have you ever eaten alien meat?
Jack: Yeah.
Gwen: What was it like?
Jack: He seemed to enjoy it.
Gwen: What were you doing at that warehouse?
Rhys: You lied to me! You were at that crash!
Gwen: I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Rhys: Stop pissing me around, Gwen. You’re so used to lying and fobbing me off, like the idiot that I obviously am!
Gwen: All I ever asked was that you trust me.
Rhys: Like you trust me? It’s a two-way street, Gwen.
Rhys: What exactly do I need protecting from, huh?
Gwen: I catch aliens!
Rhys: Piss off!
Gwen: No, you piss off. It’s the truth.
Rhys: Aliens? In Cardiff?
Gwen: Have you never seen something so mad, so extraordinary, that just for one second you think that there might be more out there?
Rhys: Prove it.
Gwen: What is this? Scooby Doo?
Dead Man Walking
Gwen: Jack what have you got? Jack holds up the glove Oh my god.
Tosh: You can’t use that. Not after Suzie.
Gwen: I’m using the glove. I’m bringing Owen back.
Gwen: Last time back when Cardiff was a town it killed twelve people.
So?
Jack: Why didn’t it get to thirteen and where does this “faith” bit come into it?
Something Borrowed
Gwen: So, is it anything to eat tonight or is it just booze all the way?
Rhys: Booze, blokes, bumpin’, and booze.
Owen: Gwen, you’re pregnant. Almost full term.
Gwen: Pregnant. That’s not possible.
Owen: Couple of days off your feet and you’ll be right as rain.
Gwen: Woah. In a couple of days? In five hours I’m walking down the aisle, Owen.
Jack: No you’re not.
Owen: Gwen I hate to say this but you’re going to have to postpone the wedding.
Gwen: No! No way. Have you any idea how much a wedding costs?
Jack: Listen, Gwen. You are not carrying baby Jesus in there.
Gwen: Look. One bit me last night. Don’t ask me to explain. I can’t. I’m pregnant, Rhys isn’t the father, it’s an alien. pointing to her belly It’s an alien.
Gwen: We’re not stopping the wedding.
Jack: Gwen there isn’t a choice here.
Gwen: Ever since I met you, Jack, all Rhys has had to put up with me is crap. The lies, the dangers, the complications… but he stood by me. Who else would do that? Who else would marry me knowing that I am carrying some kind of monster inside of me? I love him. And I am going to marry him today,
Jack: Get back you ugly bitch!
Rhys: What the hell are you doing, that’s my mother!
Jack: No! It’s the alien.
Brenda: I’m not an alien!
Jack: Oh, you’re good, I’ll give you that.
Brenda: But I’m not!
Jack: Yeah, and the Lone Ranger didn’t have a thing with Tonto.
Gwen: Jack, does the shape shifter copy smells too?
Owen: No. just physical.
Gwen: Right well, I recognize the bloody awful perfume anywhere. It’s Brenda, Jack. It’s Brenda.
Rhys hits Jack: That’s for calling my mother an ugly bitch!
Gwen: Not quite the blushing bride, am I? But I’d given up on things going to plan a long time ago.
Jack (sort of) : If life always turned out the way we expected, what would be the point of living?
Gwen: I didn’t expect to meet someone like you. If I hadn’t, I’d be married by now.
Jack (sort of) : You’re not the only one who met somebody that knocked their world out of kilter.
Gwen: Rhys has always been there for me. Through all this madness, even when I haven’t even deserved it. He’s not afraid to tell me he loves me.
Rhys: Hey, are you all right?
Gwen: I’m running around in a wedding dress with what feels like a keg of lager stuck up my skirt. What do you think, Rhys?
Jack: Enjoy the honeymoon.
Gwen: I will. What will you do while I’m gone?
Jack: Oo, the usual. Pizza. Ianto. Save the world a couple of times.
Gwen: Will you miss me?
Jack: Always. Rhys is a lucky man. A perfect husband. He’s loyal, brave… hm, he’s got a hell of a swing on him! And best of all, he really loves you.
Gwen: I know.
Ianto: May I… um…? awkwardly clears throat
Gwen: Yes. turns to dance with Ianto who turns to dance with Jack
Gwen: Okay Jack. What’s going on?
Jack: Strange thing when you mix Level Six Retcon with champagne. Really makes the party go with a schwing. Then you fall asleep.
Gwen: You retconned our families? It’s probably for the best. I don’t want my mum remembering what happened to her today.
Jack: Maybe the happy couple shouldn’t either?
Gwen: No, thank you. There’ll be no secrets in this marriage.
From Out of the Rain
Owen: Right, now I’ve seen everything.
Ianto: I told you so.
Gwen: You did stand-up.
Jack: I never did stand-up.
Gwen: Okay then. A song and dance.
Jack: I was sensational!
Tosh: I don’t believe this, Jack. What were you doing there?
Owen: He’s part of this freakshow.
Jack: Yeah. Something’s never change.
Owen: You being rude about me? Look at the state of ’em.
Gwen: But I do love his leotard.
Jack: Ianto, with me. I need your local knowledge.
Gwen: Oh! Is that what you’re calling it these days?
Gwen: These disappearances, there’s a lot of Old Wives Tales attached to them through the years. People still alive but being deprived of breath, children being told to hold their breath while a travelling show passes by.
Owen: Yeah, this local paper didn’t take it seriously.
Adrift
PC Andy: Is this beneath you now?
Gwen: No!
PC Andy: What’s with the attitude? You’ve got a face like a slapped ass.
Gwen: I’m waiting for you to tell me where you were.
PC Andy: Where I was when?
Gwen: At the wedding.
PC Andy: I rang you. I had to work.
Gwen: I didn’t realize you still had feelings for me.
PC Andy: Well I don’t. Alright? I just had a moment. Don’t flatter yourself.
Gwen: If you want to talk about it—
PC Andy: I want to talk about this kid. Jonah.
Gwen: Teenagers go missing all the time. I mean, why is this one special?
PC Andy: I was the first one here. I sat with his mum all night and then next day. And everytime I tell her we’ve got nothing new I see a bit of her dying.
Gwen: Anything strange about the case?
PC Andy: Like you don’t know.
PC Andy: So, you’re covering it up then.
Gwen: Jack said it was a coincidence. I can’t help.
PC Andy: Thanks a lot. I should have known. Bloody Torchwood. Fob me off why don’t you.
Gwen: No. If there was something going on I would tell you.
PC Andy: Do you know what’s happened to you Gwen? You’ve got hard.
Gwen: Yeah? Well maybe I’ve had to.
PC Andy: You used to care. You used to give a bother about people.
Nikki: Do you think I’m mad?
Gwen: No, I think you’d make a great policewoman.
Gwen: I’m sorry. I know. I’m late.
Rhys: Three hours!
Gwen: It was a work thing. Time just got away from me. Oo, wine! We can do it another time though, yeah?
Rhys: This is the fourth “another time,” Gwen. You said you’d cook.
Gwen: Did I?
Gwen: Tell me you love me!
Rhys: Give me the toast.
Gwen: No c’mon, tell me you love me first.
Rhys: Give me the toast first!
Tosh: Oh my god? There are really this many?
Gwen: Now we tell Jack.
Jack: Seriously, Gwen? Practically? Tell me what we should do?
Gwen: We help those left behind.
Gwen: So is that it then? We just sweep it under the carpet?
Owen: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.”
Gwen: Oh bollocks to serenity.
Owen: For a lovely girl you’ve got a very dirty mouth.
Gwen: How are we supposed to have kids with my job? Torchwood does not do maternity leave. “Oh, I’m sorry Jack. I’d love to help out with the aliens but I can’t get a babysitter.” “No no I’ll sort out that bomb once I’ve dropped Rhys, Jr. off at nursery.” Stop dancing around it. It’s a dead question.
Rhys: You know sometimes I fucking hate you. I mean look at you. Caught up in your little group like nothing else matters. And being a hero is an end in itself. Well it’s not. You saved the city. Well done. You saved the [?]. What for? I mean why are you doing it? What are you trying to protect? Wht are you fighting for?
Gwen: Because if I don’t , Rhys—
Rhys: Shut up. I’m talking now, right. You do it so people can live their lives. And there’s nothing more important than that. Falling in love, getting married, buying flats, having kids or not. But real life. That’s what you’re protecting. And if you’re starting to think that your shit is more important than real life then we’re not going to last very long here, love.
Gwen: You left me that package, didn’t you?
Ianto: I don’t know what you mean.
Helen: He’s supposed to warn us about visitors.
Gwen: Law unto himself, isn’t he?
Helen: And he knows we’ll always forgive him.
Andy: You’d never recommend for me to join Torchwood, would you?
Gwen: No.
Gwen: Before the Rift returned him, Jonah had looked into the heart of a dark star. What he’d seen had driven him mad.
Gwen: I thought you wanted to know what happened to him.
Nikki: I did. I was wrong. It was better when I didn’t know. Before you, I had hope.
Exit Wounds
Andy: Rhys what are you doing here? This is a crime scene, and a confidential crime scene at that. If it gets out what happened here they’ll be a city-wide panic.
Gwen: Rhys isn’t going to blab.
Rhys: I’m keeping more secrets than you’d ever believe.
Andy: Yeah right. Like what?
Rhys: Like a Time Agency based in Cardiff.
Gwen: Oh, it’s not based in Cardiff.
Andy: Brilliant secret. I ask, you tell. Well done.
John: Attention, Torchwood employees. Evenin’ all. Now, stop what you’re doing.
Gwen: Jack, what’s going on? Are you okay?
John: Jack can’t come to the comms right now, but if you leave a message I’ll be sure and pass it along.
Gwen: What have you done to him?
John: No no. Wrong question. You should be asking, What am I about to do to you.
John: You took your time.
Gwen: On your knees!
John: Honestly, it’s just sex sex sex with you people.
Gwen: Now!
Gwen: Why should I trust you?
John: They were separated as children. Grey was abducted. When I found him, he was chained to the ruins of a city in the Bedlam Outlands. Surrounded by corpses. He was the only one left. The creatures had long since gone. Don’t know how long he’d been there. He thought I was the rescuing hero. So it took me too long to realize he had learned terrible things watching those creatures. He let me trust him.
Jack: Toshiko? Toshiko! Gwen I need help down here.
Ianto: The nuclear plant at Turnhill. Owen’s there.
Tosh: He was sealed in. We averted the blast. Couldn’t save him.
Gwen: Tosh. Here you go Tosh. Talk to me now, okay? Tosh?