Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang
Gwen: All I’m saying is you are speeding and there are children.
Owen: Well if kids are out at midnight they’ve got it coming.
Detecting high levels of algae.
Gwen: Who’s afraid of a big scary fish, then?
Owen: It’s a big fish with a gun.
Owen: What are we gonna do when we catch it?
Tosh: Jack would know.
Owen: Yeah, well Jack’s not here, is he? Jack’s disappeared. Fat lot of good Jack is.
Owen: Okay, so who the hell was that bloke in the hologram?
Ianto: I know Jack recognized him.
Tosh: Why didn’t he let us go with him?
Gwen: ‘Cause he’s typical Jack, isn’t he? He disappears, he comes back, then he runs away again. Shuts us out. We don’t even know his real name.
Tosh: Or which time he comes from.
Gwen: Exactly. He’s supposed to be our boss and we know nothing about him. Drives me crazy.
Ianto: It is more fun when he’s around though.
Owen: Yeah. No. Definitely.
Gwen: Yeah it is.
Owen: You touch her again and I will kill you. Okay?
Sleeper
Owen to Gwen: Alright then, Jessica Fletcher. Who dun it?
Owen: When was the last time you felt ill, you had a cold? Anything?
Beth: I don’t think I have. I take a lot of vitamin C.
Owen looking at the scalpel: Hm. Hell of a lot, I reckon.
Jack: Okay Beth. You make lightbulbs blow, we can’t break your skin. What planet are you from?
Gwen: It’ll be just like you go to sleep.
Owen: Only a bit colder.
Gwen about Patrick Granger: Why would anybody want to kill him?
Ianto: Also the city coordinator. Takes charge of the city in case of major emergencies. Has all the security protocols.
Owen: How’d you know about that?
Ianto: I know everything. And it says so on the bottom of the screen.
Owen: What if they can’t stop it?
Tosh: They’ll stop it.
Owen: Yeah, but if they can’t?
Ianto: Then it’s… all over.
Owen: Let’s all have sex.
Ianto: And I thought the end of the world couldn’t get any worse.
TO THE LAST MAN
Owen: Gets harder every year.
Ianto: Good left hook though.
Owen: He’s a frozen soldier from 1918.
Ianto: Nobody’s perfect.
Owen: No, I understand. I didn’t think you had some fetish for defrosted men. I just, um, don’t want you to get hurt. That’s all. If you have to say goodbye.
Meat
Owen: Well the DNA tracers are stable, there are some signs of animal sedative. But no detectable diseases or residues. My guess is it’s good to eat.
Gwen: Would you eat it?
Ianto: Pizza’s arrived. I presumed it would be a late one.
Owen: What’d you get me?
Ianto: Usual. Meat Feast.
Owen: Lovely.
Tosh: Maybe the answer is to go out with someone who knows what you do.
Owen: Look around you, Tosh. Only we know what we do.
Owen: So not only is it replenishing its own flesh but it’s increasing it. Giving them a brand new meat supply.
Gwen: It would last them for years then.
Tosh: If we understood how it worked we could feed the world.
Ianto: We could release a single.
Owen: We’ve handled bigger than this. Why don’t we just storm in, guns in the air, and arrest ’em.
Jack: These guys aren’t organized criminals. If we go in, guns blazing, they’ll kill the evidence and run.
Owen: I wasn’t suggesting blazing. Just waving.
Adam
Owen: Tosh, do you really think I look like a rodent?
Owen: I don’t do flowers. And I definitely don’t do apologies.
Reset
Owen: So you and Jack go back a long way?
Martha: Forward and back, really.
Owen: What brought you together?
Martha: Let’s say… we were under the same Doctor.
Dead Man Walking
Jack: Okay Team, say your goodbyes. Gwen? Gwen is at a loss.
Owen: Gwen, no offense but I’ve only got two minutes to live.
Jack: Tosh?
Tosh: Owen, I’m going to miss you. And I love you. Always have.
Jack: Owen, I need the code for the alien morgue. You’re the only one that knows it.
Owen: You brought me back for that? For that?!?!
Owen: I’m really gonna need that hand back.
Jack: Owen?
Ianto: Two minutes, twenty.
Jack: But I’m not using the glove!
Owen: But I’m still here.
Ianto: Oh, here we go again.
Jack: Owen, I don’t need to tell you that you’re still under quarantine.
Owen: You don’t. And yet you still do.
Owen to Martha: Is it still necrophilia if I’m conscious?
Tosh: Owen! What I said before, when I thought you were dead—
Owen: I’m not dying, I’m dead. I’m a headless chicken I just haven’t stopped running about yet.
Tosh: Well, when I told you I—
Owen: Yeah. You didn’t mean it. I know.
Tosh: You do?
Owen: Yes. I mean, you didn’t say anything before and then suddenly I’m dying and it’s like, “I love you”. That’s not love, Tosh. That’s grief. You’re losing something so suddenly you desperately desire it. Textbook response.
Owen: You brought me back for an alarm code!
Jack: That’s not why I brought you back.
Owen: God I’m gonna miss farting. And sex.
Jack: Sex more than farting, I hope.
Owen: You’ve read Proust?
Jack: Yeah. Well, no. We dated for awhile. He was really immature.
Owen: You know, none of us know whether to take you seriously when you say those things.
Jack: You’ve
lived as long as I have, you don’t make anymore up.
Owen: Why did you bring me back? Guilt?
Jack: No. That’s not why.
Owen: Then when did you bring me back? Really?
Jack: Because I wasn’t ready to give up on you. I was hoping for a miracle. I still am.
Owen: I’ve been thinking there’s something in the darkness waiting for me to finally pass over, but I’ve got it wrong, okay? It’s the other way around. It’s trying to get here through me.
Owen: I can’t sleep, I can’t drink and I can’t shag. And they are three of my favorite things.
Owen: It’s here. I can feel it.
Tosh: Owen you’re scaring me.
Owen: I’m not exactly reassuring myself.
Owen: So why are you here?
Jamie: They’re trying to make me have it again. It didn’t work, thought. The cancer just comes back. It makes my hair fall out. I’m gonna die. I might as well do it with my eyebrows.
Owen: People died because you brought me back. We owe them, you and me.
A Day in the Death
My name is Dr. Owen Harper. And this is my life. A life that is full of action, and violence, and work and wonder. And Secrets. Sex and love. And death. My death. The death I survived. The death I am now living for a— Except, this isn’t living. Every day it’s the same. I get up, get ready for work. The same as everyone else. The thing is, I’m not the same. I get to work and everyone’s doing the same old thing. Babbling away about aliens, weddings. I’m not real. Three days ago I died and they think I’m fine. But they’re wrong.
Maggie: Would you just piss off? Get off my roof.
Owen: Your roof?
Maggie: I’m gonna jump so just leave me alone.
Maggie: What the hell are you?
Owen: I’m dead.
Maggie: You’re dead.
Owen: Yeah I was brought back. Like Jesus, really. But without the beard, you know. Shit, I’m never gonna have a beard. Not that I wanted one you understand, but one day I—
Maggie: Okay, you’re dead. That’s clearly a bit shit and I’m sorry and everything but if you are dead then why are you here? You can’t be wanting to jump. You can’t die twice.
Owen: Sorry are you an expert?
Maggie: Sorry are you an idiot?
Owen: What the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime?
Jack: We always need someone to make coffee.
Ianto: Voila. Fresh and strong.
Owen: You couldn’t just have a jar of instant handy?
Owen: Bet you’re loving this aren’t you. Looks like you finally won.
Ianto: I didn’t realize we were in competition.
Owen: Oh come on, even Tosh had more of a life than you used to and now you’re always out on missions, you’re shagging Jack and I’m stuck here making coffee.
Ianto: It’s not like that, me and Jack.
Jack: Henry John Parker. He used to be a looker. Now he’s 80 odd and even I have my limits. Your basic millionaire collector of alien hoo ha.
Owen: Didn’t we file him in the “Mostly Harmless” category?
Maggie: What are you, some sort of suicide geek?
Owen: No, I’m just a doctor.
Owen: You’re kinda cute when you babble.
Martha: And you’re kinda cute when you’re not chucking a scalpel about.
Owen: I’m making the sodding coffee. I mean c’mon, won’t your bloke be missing you? How about Jack? Has he seen Jack? They always get jealous when they meet Jack.
Martha: Owen, I don’t want your job. I’m trying to do mine.
Owen: And you waited until your wedding anniversary to kill yourself. Why?
Maggie: Does it really matter?
Owen: Why have you waited?
Maggie: Because I believed people—I believed them when they said it would get better.
Owen: Heat sensors. they don’t react to his movement I’m literally too cool for school.
Security Guard: Stop or I’ll shoot.
Owen: No you won’t. You’re a security guard. And that gun’s just for show, innit? DO you know what a bullet does to a living person? It’s not like a knife through butter—no no no—it rotate, tears, into the flesh and the gooey stuff behind. Rips into the organs and, oo! That’s not nice. w
Owen: You can’t stop it, Mr. Parker. I’m sorry, but it’s going to happen one day.
Parker: It’ll be dark and I’ll be alone.
Owen: Where are you now? It’s dark and you’re all alone, so what’s the difference?
Parker: Don’t you sit there pontificating. You’re just a boy, what do you know about anything? I’ve traveled the world. Fought in the war. Started my own business.Made a fortune. Married. Widowed. My collection, all of it. I’ve done so much. And this is where I ended up. Alone. Lying in my own piss, And do you know what I want?
Owen: Clean sheets?
Owen: Martha, Martha, if it destroys me they’re gonna need a new doctor. You’ve got all the credentials, medical skills, and a crackin’ arse.
Owen to Maggie: We all assume life’s gonna be shit, don’t we? It’s all just darkness. But you know? Sometimes it’s not.
Owen to Martha: Well I’m sorry Dr. Jones. No vacancies in Cardiff just yet.
Maggie: I thought you came here to jump?
Owen: No. I came here to help.
Maggie: What do I do now?
Owen: You’ve got a choice. If you think that the darkness is too much, then go for it. But if there is a chance, just some hope. It could be having a cigarette or that first sip of hot tea on a cold morning. Or it could be your mates. But if there is even a tiny glimmer of light, don’t you think that’s worth taking a chance?
Something Borrowed
Owen: Gwen, you’re pregnant. Almost full term.
Gwen: Pregnant. That’s not possible.
Owen: Listen, Gwen, you are going to be fine. I promise. If there was any biological incompatibility you would be dead.
Jack: What I don’t understand is if people are going to make such a big deal about getting married why come all the way out into the middle of nowhere where no one can find you to do it. That to me suggests inner conflict.
Ianto: It’s because the happy couple want everything to be perfect.
Owen: An alien egg in your belly and its mother coming to rip you open. Yeah, perfect.
Owen about Gwen : That’s the kind of daughter every mother must dream of. Cool as ice, packing an automatic.
Owen: You ready to see that dead man dance, Tosh? Come on.
From Out of the Rain
Owen: Do you recognize any of your long lost relatives, Gwen? There’s Auntie Peggy, she’s on the gin again.
Ianto: Can you be quiet?
Jack: What’s wrong?
Owen: She’s got a heartbeat but she isn’t breathing. Shouldn’t really be alive. And look at her mouth. She’s got no saliva. Lips cracked, dry as a bone.
Owen: Right, now I’ve seen everything.
Ianto: I told you so.
Gwen: You did stand-up.
Jack: I never did stand-up.
Gwen: Okay then. A song and dance.
Jack: I was sensational!
Tosh: I don’t believe this, Jack. What were you doing there?
Owen: He’s part of this freakshow.
Jack: Yeah. Something’s never change.
Owen: You being rude about me? Look at the state of ’em.
Gwen: But I do love his leotard.
Jack: The Night Travellers.
Tosh: The what?
Jack: Tosh, play that back. So they did exist.
Tosh: Did you work with these people?
Jack: I didn’t work with them. I never knew anyone who did. They only performed in the dead of night. Anyway, it was just a tale that was around at that time. A ghost story. They came from out of the rain. That’s how people described them.
Owen: So what did these night travellers do?
Jack: Left a trail of damage and sorrow wherever they performed.
Gwen: These disappearances, there’s a lot of Old Wives Tales attached to them through the years. People still alive but being deprived of breath, children being told to hold their breath while a travelling show passes by.
Owen: Yeah, this local paper didn’t take it seriously.
Adrift
Owen: What do we think happens to them?
Jack: Scattered through time and space I guess.
Owen: Cheery thought.
Gwen: So is that it then? We just sweep it under the carpet?
Owen: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.”
Gwen: Oh bollocks to serenity.
Owen: For a lovely girl you’ve got a very dirty mouth.
Gwen: Yes.
Owen: I’m with Jack.
Tosh: We did our best.
Gwen: Thanks Tosh.
Fragments
Tosh: Not a species we’ve encountered before.
Owen: Well let’s hope they’re friendly then.
Jack: You know these creatures are very quiet.
Owen: Maybe they’re sleeping.
Ianto: Or hatching.
Tosh: Or maybe they aren’t creatures at all.
Jack: They’re explosive devices.
Owen: Snap.
4 years earlier:
Owen about Katie : I am losing her and I don’t know what to do about that. So please.
Jack: I’m sorry.
Owen: Who the hell are you?
Jack: I tried to tell them we should prepare for the worst.
Owen: You can’t go in there.
Exit Wounds
Owen: Now food. You got anything it can eat?
Doctor: Only these. hands him a pack of cigarettes
Owen: Right. Perfect. Wish me luck.
Owen: Ianto, leave it to me. I can get there.
Ianto: How?
Owen: King of the Weevils. Remember?
Turnmill Worker: Sounds more dangerous out there than in here.
Owen: Yeah, I’d say it’s pretty much even.
Owen: Tosh? Come on, girl! Here we go. Right, you’ve done it, Tosh. You’ve got power. You okay?
Tosh: Yeah. I’m fine.
Owen: Right, what’s going on there?
Tosh: Just a… machine malfunction.
Owen: You hurt?
Tosh: Who me? No. I’m fine. It’s just my arm.
Owen: Okay.
Tosh: I’m sorting out another painkiller.
Owen: Good.
Tosh: Okay.
Owen: Come on, let’s do this thing.
Tosh: Right. Oh god. Owen.
Owen: What’s the matter?
Tosh: There’s no way to stop the meltdown. It’s too far gone.
Owen: Okay okay, that is not good, is it? But come on, Tosh. There’s got to be something. There’s always something. Come on!
Tosh: The only option now is to vent the flow channels internally.
Owen: Vent them where?
Tosh: The area you’re in. There’s a containment building.
Owen: Yeah.
Tosh: You need to set up a time delay program, channel the fuel into that bunker, and instigate permanent lock down. Seal the building and the meltdown will be contained within. Obviously, remember to get out.
Owen: Yeah, I think I can remember that bit.
Tosh: I’ll open the system protocol. You just need to enter the timeframe and authorize it, okay.
Owen: Okay, Tosh. Let’s do this thing. And ah, Tosh? Thank you.
Tosh: That’s what I’m here for.
Owen: Yes! Rock and roll!
Tosh: Oh. Owen, get out of there! There’s a power surge in the system. When that hits, it’ll trigger an emergency lock down!
Owen: No! No! Tosh! Toshiko I can’t get out! Not like this. Not like this! I’m not going yet! Get me out of here, Tosh! Get me out of here! I’ve died once, I’m not doing it again! Where’s Jack? Where’s Gwen, Ianto, John? You want to watch the dead man die again?
Tosh: Owen, just stay calm.
Owen: Oh Why should I do that? Where’s the fun in that? I’m gonna rage my way to oblivion. Screams
Tosh: Please stop.
Owen: Why? Give me one good bloody reason why, Tosh. One good reason why I shouldn’t keep screaming.
Tosh sobbing: Because you’re breaking my heart.
Owen: I’m sorry.
Tosh: It’s my fault.
Owen: No. No no, it isn’t. No, it is not. Don’t you dare go there, Tosh. I’m really sorry. What’s gonna happen to me, Tosh?
Tosh: I can’t.
Owen: Please, okay. I need to know.
Tosh: The containment chamber will be flooded with the irradiated coolant.
Owen: Ah. My body will slowly decompose as I watch.
Tosh: I should’ve been able to stop it.
Owen: Shh. Come on, Tosh. There’s no way you could’ve anticipated that power spike. Come on. Besides, you’ve saved my back so many times in the past. Right from the moment I joined.
Tosh: Your second week. I had to cover for you—pretend I was a medic—because you were hung over and unreachable.
Owen: What was it? Space Pig?
Tosh: Space Pig.
Owen: Yeah. We never did get that date, did we? You and me. We sort of, uh, missed each other. It was my fault. I didn’t… didn’t notice until it was too late. I’m sorry.
Tosh: Me too.
Owen: It’s starting.
Tosh: Owen—
Owen: It’s alright. Really, Tosh. It’s alright.
Tosh: Oh god. Owen. to herself Owen.