Shawn: Excuse me. You’re in my seat.
Juliet “Jules” O’Hara (Maggie Lawson): Am I?
Shawn: Actually yes, you are.
Juliet: Are you one of those weirdo compulsives who come to the same restaurant, sit in the same chair and eat the same food every day?
Shawn: Ah, no no. I was sitting right there three minutes ago and then I went outside to get myself a paper. I ordered juice. And look, I made a crawly snake with the straw wrapper. You can finish it if you think you’re up to the job.
Juliet: I’m sorry. Do you want me to move?
Shawn: Not anymore.
Shawn: Can I get a name work with?
Juliet: Juliet.
Juliet: Okay, do we know each other?
Shawn: Yes. You are the girl who stole my seat!
1989
Spell Master: Thirty seconds, Mr. Guster.
Young Gus (Isaiah Brown): A… G… G… Let me start over. Aggiornamento. A-G-G… {Shawn keeps mouthing “O”} O? {he’s out}
Present Day
Shawn: What are you watching?
Gus: Nothing.
Shawn: Dude, is that Korean porn?
Shawn about the Spelling Bee: Did they bump the car washing championships for this? And is it over soon, because I’d like to get back to the woodcarving finals.
Shawn: How come I can’t get you this excited about girls?
Gus: Let’s go Shawn!
Shawn: Or Mexico.
Shawn: Oh come on, dude. You’re not bored at all?
Gus: Do you know how to spell any of these words?
Shawn: Proudly. I have never heard of any of these words. I file these words under “things to say when I want to be ridiculed or kicked out of bed.”
Gus: The comfort room. This is where you go to deal with missing a word.
Shawn: Oh yeah? Where do they take you to deal with missing your entire childhood?
Ms. Foote (Christine Willes): You may have five minutes with each contestant. No more. If the room is needed you’ll be asked to vacant. I’ll begin with the eliminated contestants.
Shawn: Um, actually we’d only like to speak to the ones that were still in the competition when the accident occurred. Ms. Foote. And, ah, let’s start with the shifty-eyed ones, shall we?
Gus: It teaches grace under pressure. Poise. Dignity.
Shawn: All things you can get at a hot dog eating contest. Plus: hot dogs.
Shawn: Still studying, huh?
Mother: She loves it. Won’t put that thing down.
Shawn: Well. Kudos on the child-rearing. Let me know how the therapy goes.
Mother: Huh?
Shawn: Okay. Not to belittle this guy’s life. But this just got more interesting than the Woodcarving finals.
Gus: You smell that?
Shawn: Dude, don’t look at me.
Gus: It’s sulfuric.
Shawn: Dude, I am not the one who had the egg salad.
Shawn: I can’t smell anything.
Gus: Well you don’t have the super smeller.
Shawn: Gus, you have got to stop calling your nose that. If you want to nickname a body part, nickname your butt, man. Call it the tight bouncer. Or the Hexagon.
Gus: Who’s the blonde?
Shawn: Lassiter’s new partner. They transferred his girlfriend.
Shawn: You know what’s wrong with this? all of this.
Gus: Shawn. You’re delirious. You’re upset. You lost control of your bike last night.
Shawn: Gus, I didn’t lose control of anything. Someone tried to kill me or send a very serious message.
Gus: That inhaler is a fake. {Shawn starts laughing} Where are you going?
Shawn: I am going to build a doghouse.
Shawn: What the hell are you doing?
Henry: I’m gonna help you.
Shawn: You’ve never helped me before ever.
Henry: You’ve never asked.
Shawn: I did all that for nothing?
Henry: Nothing? Shawn you’ve never completed anything in your life. Now you have.
Lassiter: Why are you still listening to this crap?
Shawn: Dude, what is your glitch?
Lassiter: You. You’re my glitch. Look, he got nowhere with his little inhaler assignment and then he tells the media that we had a murder scene. Cut him loose, Karen! {she glares at him}. I mean… do whatever you think is best. Chief.
Producer: Hello? We need the word now. Is everything okay? Man something’s wrong. Send security.
Shawn: Uh no. Sorry for the delay.
Shawn: Give me a word.
Gus: A word?
Shawn: Yeah. Um, something hard but that you can spell.
Gus: I can spell anything.
Shawn: Except aggiornamento.
Shawn: Give me one!
Gus: No. You are not going to be Spellmaster.
Shawn: Gus, give a word so we can get out of here! We’re so close.
Producer: Everything okay?
Shawn: It’s fine. “Banana”.
Contestant 118: Can you repeat that?
Shawn: Yes. {slower} “Banana”.
Contestant 118: Definition please?
Shawn: A yellow fruit. Also: a kind of pudding. A delicious pudding.
Kid: Sentence please?
Shawn: “Anna Banana would like to hear Venus by Bananarama.” Banana.
Gus: You’re using his grocery list!
Shawn: You refused to help me. Now I gotta give them something else. “Mitchum”.
Contestant 16: Mitchum?
Shawn: Yes. “When I go to Albertson’s, I need to buy some Mitchum Ice Blast. And bananas.”
Chief Vick: Can’t he just tell us to arrest someone?
Juliet: He does this a lot?
Lassiter and Vick: Yes.
Lassiter: Want me to cuff him?
Chief Vick: Why? Why would I want that?
Lassiter: Just a suggestion.
Gus: I could have won that Bee.
Shawn: Yeah, you could have. Thank the Lord you didn’t.
Gus: What is that supposed to mean?
Shawn: Come on, Gus. The guy who wins is saddled forever as the dude who won the spelling bee. I’m sure you would have dealt with it later. But kids—high school kids especially—just ruthless. Judgmental. Horrible little bastards. You wouldn’t have been able to date a cheerleader. They wouldn’t have invited you to any parties. You would have been the object of ridicule. I mean this way you got to be a smart kid and a cool kid. Best of both worlds.
Gus: That’s true. I appreciate that, Shawn.
Shawn: Yeah. Best of both worlds. That’s why I had to give you the wrong word.
Gus: You knew that was wrong?
Shawn: Come on, Gus. Aggiornamento. Everybody knew it was an “i”.