1986
Henry: For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction.” Who?
Young Gus: Isaac Newton. Third law of motion.
Henry: And how does that apply to the nature of man? Anyone. Shawn?
Young Shawn: You push, they push back.
Henry: Correct. Why?
Shawn: Because “man is a stupid creature who would rather fight than use its brain.”
Henry: And what idiot said that?
Shawn and Gus: You did.
Present Day
Gus: Is that Lassiter?
Shawn: Yes it is.
Gus: What died on his face?
Shawn: Okay. Either that guy is a phenomenal actor. Or he’s dead.
Shawn: George, I heard you got married, but wow. Huh
George Cheslow: Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: what’s wrong with this picture. But where is it written that the ugly guy never gets the girl?
Shawn: Everywhere, man.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, if you can’t names names, I’m afraid he’s right this time.
Shawn: Fine. I’ll get you a name. {to Lassiter} And I’m gonna get you a woman. {he leaves}
Lassiter: Afraid he’s right? This time?
Griffin Mahoney (Peter Michael Goetz): The inscription. What would you like it to say?
Henry: “Shawn, Don’t lose this watch. Henry Spencer.”
Mahoney: Spencer?
Henry: What? Too much?
Mahoney: No no. Just that your son is no doubt familiar with your last name.
Elaine: Mr. Guster, I know you said you didn’t want to be interrupted, but there’s a Lieutenant Crunch here to see you.
Gus: Crunch?
Shawn: Actually I’ve been promoted. It’s Captain Crunch.
Shawn: Gus, think about it. Camping out under the stars. Living history. Eating beans and rotten meat with men who reek of valor!
Gus: There’s just one thing you considered in this perfect scenario of yours, Shawn.
Shawn: That’s not true. I’ve considered everything.
Gus: Really? And what role would I play in this production of yours?
Shawn: What? I don’t…
Gus: What role would I play
the midst of all those hard core, down-to-the-last-detail Civil War reenactors? Would I be…
Shawn: No. Gus. No.
Shawn: I was thinking Glory. I was thinking Denzel.
Gus: Did you just say Denzel? As in Denzel Washington?
Shawn: No. The other Denzel. Of course!
Gus: Are you sure there’s not a better uniform?
Sally Reynolds (Claire Coffee): Yeah, but I’m checking with the Ventura association. Personally I think you look dashing. I always loved the marching band.
Shawn: Dude, the police accounted for all the Union soldiers, but nobody’s considered that the murderer could have come from this side. I mean after all, this was the bad side, right?
Gus: You know that’s right.
Shawn: Wait. This doesn’t track. Why kill Sally? She’s hot. They’re friends. She even wrote his insurance policy— {there’s an explosion outside}.
Gus: That was C-4.
Shawn: That didn’t come from the battlefield, it came from the south. I solved the crime!
Gus: No I did!
Shawn: I said it first!
Gus: I solved it five minutes ago!
Shawn: I found the button near the tree. I solved it first. Tap tap, no take backs.
Mahoney: Back off. Back off. This gun is loaded. {he marches the two out into the hall to find the rest of the regiment aiming at him}
Shawn: Yes. But mine are so much bigger.
Chief Vick: Detective O’Hara, lose the hoop skirt before you hurt someone.