1986
Henry: You can’t run away from the bad guys forever, Shawn. Eventually you gotta come up with a new approach
Young Shawn: So?
Henry: So. Find one.
Henry: Not bad. You faced your fears, you got a new result, and you came out ahead. Did you really memorize those test answers.
Young Shawn: Yeah. {Henry picks up the phone} Who’re you calling?
Henry: Your math teacher.
Present Day
Gus: You contacted a temp agency without consulting me?
Shawn: Gus, anyone can get a secretary from a temp agency. It takes real foresight and creativity to get one from a modeling agency.
Shawn about Juliet: Look how cute she is in hot fuchsia.
Shawn: Okay, why have I been drawn here? Was there a murder? Do I need the little booties for the crime scene?
Lassiter: Thanks, but we’re doing just fine.
Juliet: Don’t go in the backroom. {she lifts the crime scene tape} My grandpa loved Pete Rose.
Lassiter: I thought I told you no.
Shawn: But your eyes said yes. {distracting him} Hey! Who’s that Cincinnati Red over there with the bowl cut.
Shawn: Mr. Duncan—Robert. How can we help you and can I call you Bob?
Robert Dunne (Frank Whaley): This is difficult.
Shawn: Take your time. We’re here. Come on.
Robert: I’m just going to say it. I’m being haunted!
Gus: Haunted?
Shawn: Robert. We deal with this kind of problem all the time. What you need to realize is that evicting a spirit is a very time-consuming and absurdly expensive process.
Robert: Whatever this thing is it followed me all the way from San Francisco.
Gus: Maybe it likes you.
Robert: I don’t think so.
Gus: What makes you say that?
Robert: I think it tried to kill me.
Shawn: You only forgot one thing.
Gus: Really? What?
Shawn: There’s no such thing as ghosts.
Shawn: The old Indian burial ground, you bought that? I got that from Poltergeist. Or Poltergeist 2…. Gremlins? No, it wasn’t Gremlins.
Lassiter: Do you not knock?
Juliet: There’s no door.
Gus: You got the floor.
Shawn: Aw, we’ll make it work. You don’t mind if I nude-up for the sleep over, right?
Shawn: Meanwhile, I’m going to do some sit-ups. Come hold my feet. {he gets down on the floor}. I’m going to do a thousand!
Gus: Why are you looking at me like that?
Shawn: That’s all you did? Check the doors and windows?
Gus: Yeah, why? {Shawn dabs the lipstick off his forehead} Where did that come from?
Shawn: Don’t look at me. I don’t wear lipstick.
Shawn: Good morning, detectives! Collecting donations for the Policeman’s Ball?
Gus: We don’t have balls.
Shawn: I honestly have no response to that.
Gus: What happened?
Shawn: I might have dropped six allergy pills in your frosty will you were peeing.
Gus: You did what? Where are we?
Shawn: Palo Alto!
Amy: A girlfriend of mine saw him in a club with another woman. He was drunk and pretended that she had him confused with someone else. He said his name was—get this—Martin Brody.
Shawn: Martin Brody? Roy Scheider’s character from Jaws?
Amy: Yes! How’d you know?
Shawn: Well… I’ve seen Jaws.
Shawn about their suspect: That guy’s like a whippet.
Gus: Don’t touch that! It’s blood.
Shawn: It’s not blood.
Gus: Enjoy your hepatitis.
Shawn: —And this tortured soul might be less tortured with a latex enamel. He wouldn’t get these messy drips.
Shawn: Unless he has that personality thing.
Gus: What personality thing?
Shawn: Oh, you know what I’m talking about. The multiple personality disease. You know, that whats-her-name had. The Flying Nun and the other thing… ah… on TV.
Shawn: Smokey and the Bandit?
Gus: Yeah, dude. Smokey and the Bandit. Yes.
Gus: Is it in Norma Rae?
Shawn: No. That would have made that movie a lot cooler.
Regina: I can’t tell you how glad I am that you got my message. {Regina puts her hand on Gus’ shoulder} So… do you think you could help me? Please?
Shawn: Dude.
Shawn: Unless you’re going to ask her out, I think we’re done here. How do we get Robert back?
Gus: I have no idea.
Shawn: But you’re her very special friend.
Shawn: Gus. You know I can’t fire people. They look too sad.
Gus: This was your idea, figure it out.