1985
Henry: What’s the name of this kid who hit you?
Young Shawn: Elizabeth.
Henry: Who? You got in a fight with a girl?
Young Shawn: Well it wasn’t really a fight. She just punched me.
Henry: Why in the world would she punch you? What happened?
Young Shawn: She asked me to sit next to her at lunch and I did. And then I was eating my tater tots and she just punched me.
Henry: Wait a second, wait a second. What was she doing while you were eating your tater tots?
Young Shawn: I don’t know. She was talking about something.
Henry: What? What was she talking about?
Young Shawn: I have no idea. Just on and on. And I was concentrating on my tater tots.
Henry: Well I’ll be damned. Son, I know what happened. You just had your first date.
Present Day
Lassiter: Hey Spencer.
Shawn: Lassie Face!
Shawn: I’m here to take your statement, find out just exactly what happened.
Fred Turk: Well I don’t really remember much.
Shawn: Funny. It says here you told the desk sergeant you woke up naked in a field with your ass hanging out.
Fred Turk: Yeah, that’s right. But I don’t remember exactly what they look like. It’s all really confusing for me right now.
Shawn: When you say “they” just who are you referring to?
Fred Turk: Aliens.
Fred Turk: Who is that person over there? Because he’s really making me uncomfortable?
Gus: I’m making you uncomfortable right now? Dude. Is there any reason why you’re not wearing any clothes now?
Fred Turk: Hey, I think I might have been abducted, all right? I believe I might have been experimented on! So there’s no way I’m going to touch these clothes and compromise evidence.
Shawn: Okay! Okay, Mr. Turk. Please. Try to get control of your considerable person. Why don’t you cover up with the towel. That’s why it’s there. One size fits all. I hope.
Gus: Are you really going to dismiss the idea that there’s life on other planets?
Shawn: This is what I got. I know he was dragged out there. Otherwise no sign of assault, nothing taken. Other than the embarrassment of waking up naked in a field, we’ve got nothing to hang our hats on. {He glances at the front page photo of a naked Fred}. I guess technically we could’ve hung our hats on it…
Shawn looking at the bell at the front desk: I can’t ring this.
Shawn: Dad, what are you doing here?
Henry: The real question is, what are you doing here?
Shawn: Well, George Hamilton, we’re on a case.
Shawn: Where are they?
Henry: Who?
Shawn: The Queer Eye guys. I know they’re here somewhere. Gus, what are their names?
Gus: How am I supposed to know, Shawn?
Henry: Carson and Jai. And the guy with the glasses.
Gus: Who cooks the fish.
Henry: Right.
Gus: I think we should get Turk and Keiser in the same room and actually ask them some questions.
Shawn: Fine. Let’s do it. The rule is All slacks, all the time. No exceptions.
Gus: I hear that. I’ve reached my naked man quota for the year.
Marvin (Colin Cunningham): Hello, me buckos! I’m Marvin. Welcome to Shenanigans. Home of the world famous Blarney Stone fajitas.
Shawn: Hello Marvin. We’re here to speak with the leprechaun.
Shawn: Dude, give me some props. He’s got a hat with a buckle on it, everything’s green.
Gus: What? He’s not a leprechaun.
Shawn to Marvin: Will you do me a favor? In your funny accent will you say magically delicious?
Chief Vick: Let me get this straight. There is a dead body and a murderer loose in our city and you want the Santa Barbara police department to pay for you to go on dates?
Gus: Yes, that’s correct.
Shawn: I mean, I suppose we could split it if we had to. What’s that called? Going, going “deutsche”?
Shawn: Is that your holster?
Lassiter: Of course it is.
Shawn: You’re here to speed date, man. Not shoot somebody.
Lorraine: Love is in the air! I can smell it!
Gus to Shawn: I smell cabbage.
Glenda (Teryl Rothery): What’s your mom’s maiden name?
Shawn: Buzzteats.
Glenda: Wow. Yeah. Teats as in… ?
Shawn: Yeah. All my ancestry were farmers.
Glenda: Oh! Hey, I was raised on a farm.
Shawn: No kidding?
Glenda: I had this most adorable pet goat named Cassie.
Shawn: I think these people might have more luck dating if they’d ask more interesting questions.
Gus: I just hope I don’t get pile-driven.
Gus: Shawn, if you think it’s her let’s tell Lassiter and Juliet and get them to bring her in.
Shawn: You see what happens when we blurt out our theories. We totally whiffed on the tanning salon.
Shawn: Oh, give her the sweetness. Dude, you’ve got to give her the sweetness.
Lorraine: This is a speed dating first! You and you are a one hundred percent match from your personality questionnaires. I smell love.
Juliet: I need a drink.
Shawn: I gotta pee.
Gus: She keeps wanting to rub my head. What’s up with that?
Shawn: Gus. Everybody wants to run your head.
Gus: Shawn?
Shawn: Detective O’Hara.
Gus: Shawn, what are you doing here?
Shawn: Bowling. At a high level.
Shawn: Look, might they have a few more obstacles than your typical couple if she turns out to be a cold-blooded killer? Sure. But what id they really fall in love, Dad?
Shawn: You deserve someone special. Someone who makes you feel safe but also a little dirty, know what I’m talking about?
Shawn: …and you deposited them naked in a field. Where they woke up, disoriented, grassy-assed, but none-the-wiser.
Lorraine: Murder. Wow. That’s a speed dating first.