1989
Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): That was your teacher. Apparently you’re the only one in class who didn’t turn in his art assignment. So there’s going to be an empty space on the wall at open house tonight.
Young Shawn (Liam James): Actually Dad, I’m pretty sure I did finish it. Sounds to me like it was stolen.
Henry: Oh, so somebody breaks into the school and the only thing they steal is your painting. And why is that?
Young Shawn: Because it’s the perfect crime.
Henry: Sit. {he sits} Shawn, there is no such thing as the perfect crime. We leave in forty-five minutes. Make something pretty.
Present Day
Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Lassie.
Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill): Wow.
Shawn: Is your hair starting its own cult?
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): Trying to do a performance review here, Mr. Spencer. I thank you not to bother us.
Shawn: Seems like a strange thing to thank me for, but you’re welcome of course.
Gus: Are we ever going to start skiing?
Shawn: As soon as I finish this hot chocolate.
Gus: Why don’t you just throw it out?
Shawn: I would, but this hot cocoa represents the end of our vacation money.
Gus: How are we out of cash? We’ve only been here four hours.
Shawn: The American dollar was not as strong as I anticipated, Gus.
Gus: So what do we do now, call the authorities?
Shawn: We make sure it’s Despereaux. And I have an ingenious plan to smoke him out.
Gus: Sounds good.
Shawn: Pierre! {Despereaux turns}
Gus: That was your plan?!
Gus: I think we should have taken that second ski lesson.
Shawn: There’s only one move we can’t follow!
Gus: What’s that?
Shawn: He just made it!
Gus: The slow gentle turn?
Shawn: That was it!
Shawn: You know what this means, Gus.
Gus: That we suck at skiing?
Shawn: This hot chocolate just became a write-off.
Shawn: You’ve seen The Mentalist, right?
Corporal Robert Mackintosh: Yes!
Shawn: It’s like that.
Gus: Except that guy is a fake.
Robert: What’s he doing?
Gus: He’s having a psychic episode.
Robert: It’s a bit off-putting.
Gus: You get used to it.
Shawn: Put your socks on, Gus. ‘Cause I’m about to knock them off.
Gus: What’ve you got?
Shawn: I’ve got nothing. What’ve you got?
Gus: Nothing. {a birthday banner comes in the background} No you don’t! It’s obvious.
Carlton “Lassie” Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): Thanks for letting me use your miles.
Juliet “Jules” O’Hara (Maggie Lawson):Thanks for bringing me along.
Lassiter: If I didn’t bring you along, you wouldn’t let me use your miles.
Juliet: Still, it was really sweet.
Juliet: How’s he doing?
Gus: He’s been better.
Shawn: He stole something else, too. He stole a painting! {points to an empty spot over the mantle} Ed, he’s better than we thought, I’m afraid.
Randolph Stockwell: I sold that painting two weeks ago.
Pierre Despereaux (Cary Elwes): Mildly impressive that you found me here. You two are making a marked improvement from your harlequinade antics on the slopes.
Gus: In my defense, I have two left knees.
Shawn: You know what’s more impressive? In about fifteen seconds you’re going to see a fierce—albeit gunless—American detective, his striking snow bunny partner—which I mean nothing salacious by—and half the RCMP are going to storm this roof and take you down! Wait for it…
Despereaux: I’d love to, but I really have to go.
Shawn: We found you, so… looks like we win.
Despereaux: I am neither known nor wanted in this country. At best I’m a person of interest in places I do my work. Such is the curse of my talent. So since I have taken the time to find you, please, don’t spoil it.
Despereaux: I’d be remiss if I didn’t inform you that you’re way out of your league. The simple fact is, you’ll never catch me. It’s impossible. Which makes what should be an exciting life somewhat pedestrian.
Shawn: I’m afraid we fell for the flaming baked Alaska diversion trick again.
Deputy Commissioner Ed Dykstra (Ed Lauter): How clear are you on this?
Shawn: It’s as if he wrote it on a piece of paper and put it in my hand.
Despereaux: You know you should keep at this detective business, Mr. Spencer. You have the hair for it, and that’s half the battle.
Despereaux: You have nothing on me but your word. Your very shaky, very suspect word. Therefore you pose absolutely no threat to me whatsoever. I do have to thank you. You have been very useful for me.
Shawn: My pleasure.
Despereaux: And now if you don’t mind.
Shawn: I don’t know how to respond. I’m both relieved and offended at the same time.
Shawn: One more thing. What day is today?
Despereaux: Sunday.
Shawn: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Shawn: I am honing. I am a honer.
Shawn: Trust me, he cares just as much about his pants as he does thievery.
Juliet: So let me get this straight. Despereaux comes to you in a vision to fake doing something?
Henry: The only way it’s close is if you make it look like the perfect crime.
Shawn: I know why Despereaux never gets caught! Because he doesn’t steal anything!
Shawn: Man, I thought you were so cool. But you’re just here to look the part. This whole time I’m thinking, This guy is Thomas Crown. You’re barely Remington Steele. Which makes me, what? Laura Holt? You think a guy like me wants to be Stephanie Zimbalist? Maybe.
Lassiter: Hello, Despereaux. I bet you’re not too happy to see me right about now, are you?
I have absolutely no idea who you are.
Dykstra: Your boss is really good.
Lassiter: I do not work for him.
Juliet: It just seems that way sometimes.
Despereaux: Mr. Spencer. I have often fantasized about escaping from prison, you know.
Shawn: Look at that bridge!
Juliet: It’s beautiful.
Shawn: Little known fact: that bridge was built by wolves.
Juliet: Really?