1989
Father Peter Westley (Ray Wise): It seem like he just can’t get through a lecture without questioning every detail. Take this morning’s for instance, on Noah’s Ark.
Young Shawn: I’m sorry, Dad, but it just doesn’t make sense.
Father Westley: What doesn’t make sense, Shawn?
Young Shawn: Lots of things. Like if the Ark was built in the Middle East, how did animals like the Koala bear get to it?
Young Gus: God helped them get there, using His Almighty power.
Father Westley: That’s exactly right, Gus.
Young Shawn: Then why didn’t He use those powers to create the Ark? Wouldn’t the be much faster than getting Noah to build it?
Henry: Shawn, I think you’re getting a little too hung up on details.
Young Shawn: Really? You always taught me that details are everything in life.
Henry: You’re missing the point, son.
Father Westley: Have you two ever considered visiting the Methodist church down the street? It’s quite nice.
Present Day
Shawn: Question: Where are all the girls in the Catholic school girl uniforms, Gus?
Gus: There’s one right over there.
Shawn: No! That is a male bagpiper.
Father Westley: I just can’t believe the two of you have become detectives.
Shawn: Psychic detectives, to be exact.
Gus: Actually, he’s the psychic. I’m a pharmaceutical salesman.
Shawn: We also do commercial jingles.
Gus: No we don’t.
Shawn: We will. {singing} Bum bum bum. Muffins.
Father Westley: That’s incredible.
Shawn: Thanks. I made it up just now.
Father Westley: I was talking about the detective thing.
Shawn: That too.
Shawn: My senses are telling me that this girl committed suicide.
Lassiter: Well you can tell your senses to kiss my sweet— {sees a nun} love… biscuits…
Gus: I don’t know if you made that any less offensive.
Lassiter: So let me get this straight. You think that she was possessed. As in floating above the bed, head-spinning, pea soup on the wall. That sort of thing?
Shawn: May I speak with you in the Stop-Openly Contradicting Me room?
Shawn: If we end up catching the Devil, and he starts acting all… devil-y, I know what to do. First I’ll buy a fiddle. Play a quick tune, so he underestimates my abilities. Then I’ll challenge him to a wager. If he wins, he gets my soul. I win, we get his cooperation—
Gus: Alright, I get it. You don’t believe in possessions.
Gus: Look, I know Father Westley’s theory’s kind of crazy, but if he believes it then I need to take it seriously. You know how much I look up to him.
Shawn: I look up to Brett Favre, that doesn’t mean I believe everything he says. Alright, that’s a bad example. It’s those tearful press conferences, man. They get me every time.
Shawn singing: Bum bum bum, this thing.
Shawn: Man. How come every girl posts a million photos online of her and her friends posing cheek-to-cheek? It’s so lame.
Gus: Says the guy who has that on his desk.
Shawn: It’s not posted online, Gus. {beat} Yet.
Shawn: Well. It looks like you got this one covered. Gus and I are going to throw back a couple of shots and then his the confessional booth.
Shawn: Is there anyone else you can think of who’s taking the news of Agatha’s death particularly hard? Family or close friends?
Co-ed: Well you know about Lucy, don’t you?
Shawn: Yes. Of course. She charges five cents for psychiatric help and if she ever asks you to kick a football, you say no.
Mrs. Ryan: Can I get either of you something?
Shawn: Yes. Diet Coke, garlic hummus and the new TV Guide if you have it.
Gus: Here me out. Agatha jumped off the building to kill herself and the demon that was inside of her. Right before she died, the demon transferred out of her and into Lucy. Just like in the Exorcist.
Shawn: Do you realize you’re basing this on a fictional movie?
Gus: You once tried to solve a case using the movie Pretty In Pink.
Shawn: That’s completely different. Pretty In Pink is more of a docudrama.
Mrs. Ryan: What kind of grief counselors are you?
Shawn: We’re very progressive.
Henry: Let me guess: relationship troubles.
Shawn: Yeah. I hate when we fight.
Henry: I’m sure she feels the same way.
Shawn: I’m not talking about Abigail. I mean Gus.
Henry: So am I.
Shawn: When it doesn’t work— I’m sorry, if it doesn’t work—will you promise me we can go back to doing things my way?
Gus: And what way is that again?
Shawn: Oh you know, follow a few leads, make some inappropriate jokes, I’ll remember some stuff and then we’ll tip off the police using a little bit of this.
Gus: You got it.
Father Westley: I always try to start every exorcism with a little humor.
Shawn: Check this one out: a priest, a rabbi—
Father Westley: It’s over now.
Lucy: I know about Mr. Reno!
Shawn: What’d you say?
Lucy: He was your seventh grade shop teacher. And you placed a tack on his chair.
Shawn: That… Did you tell her that?
Gus: No.
Lucy: You’re the one who gave him blood poisoning.
Shawn: No. We don’t know that for sure.
Father Westley: Get him out of here, Gus.
Shawn: The man made a living handling rusty metal.
Shawn: Woah.
Juliet: Are you getting a premonition?
Shawn: No. Just a head rush. It happens to me quite a bit when I’m sleep-deprived.
Gus: Why are you reading my index of medications?
Shawn: Because it’s hilarious. The section on medications that treat urinary tract infections made me pee my pants. Which is ironic if you think about it.
Gus: You’re on to something, aren’t you?
Shawn: Yep. Gotta go. Thanks for the cake. {he grabs it out of Gus’ hands}
Gus: That’s a sponge to moisten stamps.
Shawn: Oh, this is sad. You haven’t gone to bed, have you?
Henry: I tried, but it’s this game.
It keeps calling me back. I don’t know how they do it, but it lets you feel like a cop without all the guilt after you shoot someone.
Shawn: Dad, kids your age should not be cooped up inside playing video games all day. You should be outdoors feeding pigeons and driving with your blinker on.
Henry: Tell him the truth. But in the most respectful way possible.
[…]
Shawn: You were wrong! Wrong wrong wrong! Wrong wrong wrong! Finger guns! *pew* Wrong! *pew* Wrong! Wrong in your weenie!
Gus: Put down the finger guns.
Cameron: Hey guys. What are you doing here?
Shawn: Unfortunately we’re here to tell you that you are under arrest for possession of an illegal hot plate.
Cameron: Lucy and I have always just been friends.
Shawn: Cam, don’t be so naive. Men and women can’t be friends.
Gus: Yeah, When Harry Met Sally taught us that.
Shawn: It also taught us that women often fake orgasms. {Juliet agrees}
Shawn: But props to you for your performance as a possessed girl. Linda Blair would be proud. Now you can do your best impression of her in Chained Heat.
Gus: And?
Shawn: Red Heat!
Gus: What!
Shawn: Two Prison movies! {they break out the finger guns}
Shawn: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It’s been… fifteen years since my last confession.
Father Westley: Wow.
Shawn: “Wow”? That’s not very priestly.
Shawn: There is something that’s been gnawing at me lately. {checking} Gus, can you hear me? {silence} Here’s the thing: I’ve been stealing the food that Gus hides in his desk and eating it, and then blaming it on the cleaning lady Oniniña.
Gus outside: I knew it! I knew it!
Shawn: Damn it! {realizing} Oo! Is that one a sin?
Father Westley: Yes.
Shawn: One thing I wasn’t lying about was the commercial jingles. Perhaps I could help the church out with a new theme. {singing} Bum bum bum. Wafers! No. that’s not it, that’s not the one. Let me try this. {singing} Bum bum bum. Holy Ghost.
Father Westley: I like that. Holy Ghost.
Shawn: Yeah?
Father Westley: Yes.