1990
Young Shawn: Gus, you’ve been on this ride like twenty times. Why are you chickening out now?
Young Gus: This ride just doesn’t seem mechanically sound. How do we know it’s not going to break and eject us out of the building?
Young Shawn: Gus, the ride is twelve inches off the ground.
Young Gus: Well why are you nervous?
Young Shawn: Because everybody knows that animatronic goblins
can sometimes come to life in the weirdest of situations.
Young Gus: That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
Young Shawn: Really? Then you go first.
Young Gus: You go first!
Young Shawn: I want to go first. But not until you go.
Present Day
Juliet: Eventually Carlton is going to find out about us.
Shawn: I’ve seen his detective skills. That could take years.
Juliet: So you told him about us?
Shawn: What are you kidding? That’d be like posting it on my Facebook page. If I had a Facebook page. Or the desire to share intimate life details with people I avoid on the street.
Shawn: Try to understand, this is going to be like a bomb landing on his sweet head. It means he’s the odd man out again. If I don’t handle this delicately he’s bound to go on another caramel binge.
Juliet: He went on one before?
Shawn: Yes. Hot and cold.
Shawn: Dude. You, me, haunted house. Let’s ride some rides.
Gus: Wait a second. We haven’t even had any churros yet. This year they’re wrapped in bacon.
Shawn: Didn’t we come here to be scared?
Gus: Exactly. What’s more scary than a churro wrapped in bacon?
Shawn: Dude, you’re not even looking.
Gus: I’m drinking it all in.
Shawn: You’re eyes are closed and you’re pretending to be startled by things.
Gus: I was just startled.
Shawn: By what, the exit light?
Shawn: Wait a minute. Gus, did you see that?
Gus: I was testing my watch to see if it really glowed in the dark.
Shawn: Gus, I just saw somebody get killed!
Shawn: You’re not listening. I saw a man gasping for his life.
Carol: You saw a volleyball on a broomstick.
Shawn: No! {beat} Yes, I saw that too. The illusion actually played. But this is something different.
Shawn: Listen— {he checks her phone} I am sure Todd is pretty dreamy, even though he can’t spell “bitchin’.” But I’m assuming that just like Heaven and Exhaling, he can wait.
Shawn: Three ninjas. Mega mountain. Reunited and it feels so, so good.
Ken (Jerry Shea): I like that song. I’m only allowed to use these access keys for business.
Shawn: Murder is our business.
Shawn: Are you in?
Ken: I’m out.
Gus: So am I.
Gus: Do you have any idea how dangerous this is? We’re gonna find a dead body, alright. Mine. Drug by one of these ride cars.
Shawn: You’ll be the first documented dragging death at three miles per hour.
Gus: Actually, I’ll be the third. In 1974, there was a guy—
Shawn: I can’t do this with you right now.
Shawn: What are you saying, “my eye”? Are you saying “my eye” at the end?
Gus: I let out a very eerie “r”.
Shawn: It wasn’t eerie.
Gus: And then I added a layer to intimate that my eye had been removed. It’s been horrifying like that.
Shawn: I thought you had a loose eyelash or possibly a sty.
Gus: Eyes are scary on a psychological level, Shawn.
Shawn: So you’re warning riders of the dangers of conjuctivitus?
Gus: I can’t believe this. I’m in Carnival Jail.
Shawn: What are you so worried about? It’s not like they’re going to call our parents or something.
Shawn: Dude, don’t be the only black lead on a major cable network. My dad’s never had me arrested.
Gus: Yes he has.
Shawn: We have a bona fide Scooby Doo case that has fallen into our laps. Dead guy, haunted house, amusement park. Gus, says “zoinks.”
Gus: I’m not saying zoinks.
Shawn: Then say “jinkeys”.
Gus: Jinkeys.
Shawn: You don’t want to go through a dead man’s office but you’ll eat his candy?
Gus: It’s Grandma candy, Shawn. Nobody’ll want it.
Shawn: It’s so shiny.
Juliet: I’m going to go get Lassiter. Stay put. {she runs off}
Gus: Are we really going to wait for Lassiter?
Shawn: That would be a first.
Shawn: You didn’t just want to kill them. You wanted a preamble, so they knew why they were being killed.
Shawn: Gus, seeing as how we might be dying at any moment, I have a confession to make. Remember how you got bummed out when I started seeing Abigail? You thought things between us were going to change and you ate all those waffles to try and deal with it?
Gus: What the hell are you talking about, Shawn?
Eve (Nora Dunn): I don’t think this is really the time for this!
Shawn: I hooked up with Juliet.
Gus: So?
Shawn: So? We’re breaking up the duo. It’s not just Shawn and Gus anymore. Now it’s more like that Say Say Say video.
Gus: You’ve been after her for five years.
Eve: Five years?
Gus: He’s really not that smooth.
Shawn: I’m not that smooth?
Juliet hitting Todd: A hundred and forty-five pounds my ass!
Lassiter: I’ve got the tiny girl with the limp.
Shawn: Nice Lassie.
Lassiter: It’s easy. She doesn’t run very fast.