Present Day
Shawn: Dude, do you know they make silent window shades? Some woman in Washington invented them back in the early-90s.
Gus: Since when is the sound of opening and closing shades so disruptive that it needs to be alleviated?
Shawn: Why do you have to hate on other people’s triumphs of innovation.
Gus: Weird.
Shawn: It’s not weird, it’s selfish. And more than a little petty.
Gus: No, not that. Come take a look at this.
Shawn: Man, this better not be another auction for one of Stoney Jackson’s neckerchiefs.
Shawn: Well look up this town Dual Spires. I mean how can there be a Cinnamon Festival that we’ve never heard of? {looking at the map} Zoom in.
Gus: Dude. This town is so small that it’s in parentheses. How the heck did we get this email?
Shawn: It’s a delicious mystery.
Shawn checking his schedule: I’m good ’til next Wrestlemania.
Shawn: Half-a-mile from the nearest road.
Gus: No wonder it’s in parentheses. This is one secluded town.
Shawn: Let’s get some cinnamon.
Shawn: Wow, everyone looks so happy. And yet so perplexed.
Gus: Something’s off about this place, Shawn. People keep looking like I’m the first black man they’ve seen.
Shawn: Come on, Gus. Don’t be absurd.
Girl on Bike: Hey Mister. Are you Frederick Douglass?
Gus: Shawn. We need to get out of here.
Bob Barker (Dana Ashbrook): Just passing through?
Shawn: We’re here for the festival. We take our cinnamon very seriously.
Sheriff Andrew Jackson (Lenny von Dohlen): We don’t have the internet in Dual Spires. It’s simpler that way.
Shawn: Dude, we’re doing Witness.
Gus: They were Amish.
Shawn: Not Danny Glover, he was black.
Gus: What are you talking about?
Shawn: You found the monkey bread.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Gus: Mrs. Barker, is everything okay?
Michelle Barker (Robyn Lively): No. Everything is not okay.
Bob: Michelle.
Michelle: What? I can’t just sit here, and pretend to be excited about churros, and Leo the Cinnamon Owl.
Shawn: I sense someone is missing.
Bob: Our niece, Paula. She’s been gone about a day and a half.
Shawn: Mr. and Mrs. Barker, I have a confession to make. I’m not just a cinnamon enthusiast. I’m also a psychic detective. And this is my partner, Lodge Blackman.
Shawn: Come on, dude.
Gus: You know I’m a sympathetic cryer, Shawn. Just leave me be.
“Who killed Paula Merral?”
Shawn: Gus, we weren’t called here for a cinnamon festival. {he shows him the email}
Sheriff Jackson: Listen, why don’t you take Michelle home. She’s gonna need you to be strong now. I’ll get Deputy Frost to take you back in the rickshaw.
Juliet surveying the donuts: Our new station manager is an angel sent from Heaven.
Gus: Shawn, we have reached a new low point in our life.
Shawn: Are you kidding me? It’s like Driving Miss Daisy. Except you get to be Miss Daisy.
Gus: I don’t want to be in the movie, Shawn.
Dr. Donna Gooden (Sheryl Lee): I’m a woman of science and law. And accounting. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel.
Wood Woman (Catherine E. Coulson): What did Grandma tell you about wandering off in the store? {a little kid finally pops up}
Gus relieved: I was going to say.
Shawn: That would have been too much.
Randy: Who are you?
Shawn: A couple of guys with a passion for the truth.
Gus: And cinnamon.
Shawn: I get it. It’s Pretty In Pink. You’re Andrew McCarthy.
Randy: Who’s Andrew McCarthy?
Shawn: That’s fair.
Maudette Hornsby (Sherilyn Fenn): I thought you were a psychic.
Shawn: I am. But how did you know that?
Maudette: Word travels. You know we don’t get a lot of gossip around here, so untimely death, a psychic and a black man all in one day? Epic.
Shawn: I really thought we were being discreet.
Gus: You do know what discreet means, don’t you? That’s a serious question.
Gus: Was Randy with you the night Paula died?
Gus: Do you mind if we poke around?
Shawn: Poke.
Gus: Peek.
Shawn: Peek around.
Gus: Yes.
Juliet: Look, I don’t know what you guys have gotten yourself into, but Paula Merral drowned here seven years ago. {Gus looks stunned}
Shawn: What? Did she say hi back?
Gus: A girl drowns, gets reincarnated and then drowns seven years later? Worst Cinnamon Festival ever.
Bob: You two understand, right?
Shawn: We’re not here to judge you, Mr. Barker. We came to investigate, catch bad guys and eat pie.
Gus: Not necessarily in that order.
Shawn: And it hasn’t been.
Gus: No.
Shawn: We started with the pie.
Gus: Always.
Shawn: Every teenager has a secret spot, Gus. Remember when I found those weird photos of John Cusack in your night stand?
Gus: That was Joan.
Shawn: Really? That’s much less weird. Wait. No, it’s not. Not really.
Shawn: Thank you, Father. you’ve been so much help. Gus will see you in church on Sunday.
Father Westley (Ray Wise): What about you?
Shawn stepping out of the sweet spot: What? Oop, you’re breaking up.
Father Westley: What?
Shawn: Can’t hear anything. Hello? Father!
Father Westley: W— ? Wait, wait! There’s more.
Shawn about Jack: Jon Cryer in Pretty In Pink.
Gus: Nobody in this town has ever seen that movie, Shawn.
Shawn: Well I refuse to accept that.
Shawn: So do you think this guy killed Paula?
Gus: Most definitely. He’s a freaky dude living in a freaky place, and you notice he won’t ever make eye contact with you? There’s only one reason for that: guilt.
Shawn: Actually, there may be another.
Shawn: I gotta tell you, you are the highest functioning blind person that I have ever seen.
Jack Smith: …and then jet blackness.
Gus: What does that mean?
Shawn: Great porn name for you.
Shawn: Get your wood out of her face, Randy!
Shawn: What is it about all the secret relationships in this town? It’s like General Hospital. {Jack looks lost… more lost} You’re kidding me. Alright, that’s it. Is there a film or a television series that you people actually saw?
Jack: The town gets together every Thursday night to watch reruns of Everwood.
Shawn: Okay. I can work with that.
Gus: If we leave now I’ll let you play the theme to Weird Science over and over in the car. What do you say?
Gus: So who killed Paula Merral?
Shawn: I don’t know. But we’re gonna find out.
Gus: Shawn, we’re gonna die in this tiny stupid room!
Shawn: Don’t be the scream from Holding Back the Years. You’re right though, this could be it for us.
Gus: Father Westley! Thank God you were here. Literally.
Shawn: We were about to be wicker men. How did you find us?
Father Westley: I just had faith.
Shawn: Really?
Father Westley: No.
Shawn: Did Paula ever know that you were her father?
Bob: Yes. I had to tell her in order to get her to come here in the first place.
Sheriff Jackson: Her death—though tragic—saves our future.
Bob: You killed a little girl.
Gus: Um. What about us?
Dr. Gooden: Honestly? Far less tragic. We barely know you.
Shawn: It’s nice to finally have some alone time.
Juliet: It is. But you know we’re not really alone, Shawn.
Father Westley: You were not lying about the pie, Burton. It’s heavenly.
Gus: Right? Now we’re on to Ecclesiastes.
Father Westley: One of my favorites.
Shawn: We couldn’t blow off a priest. I’m pretty sure that’s a sin.
Juliet: Well, it’s not so much Gus and Father Westley. And Carlton…
Lassiter doing a great Agent Cooper: That’s a damn fine cup of cider.
Juliet: It’s the other people.