Romeo and Juliet and Juliet
Present Day
Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): Are you familiar with the term “persona non grata”?
Shawn: Why are we talking about food?
Henry: Shawn, there’s a reason they created the position I’m in! You burned a lot of bridges around here, you’ve made a lot of sloppy mistakes. You’re going to have to earn your way back. Things are going to be different now.
Shawn: That is so unfair.
Henry: Is it?
Shawn: Yeah. My results speak for themselves. You just hold me to a different standard.
Henry: I do not.
Shawn: You buried my Easter eggs five feet underground.
Henry: And I left loose dirt to indicate a fresh dig.
Shawn: Yeah, under a camouflage tarp covered with bricks and broken glass.
Henry: That was the giveaway! Pardon me for trying to challenge you.
Shawn: It took me three weeks to close the egg investigation. I was eight.
Henry: Yeah well, just so you know, there’s still two eggs you haven’t found.
Shawn: You’re sick.
Feet Don’t Kill Me Now
Present Day
Lassiter: You can’t yell at me. You’re just a consultant.
Henry: Oh yeah? I know what happened to your neighbor’s squirrels.
Lassiter: Carry on.
Not Even Close… Encounters
1990
Present Day
Chivalry Is Not Dead… But Someone Is
Henry: What if we let them work together. Separately—but together.
Shawn: That lonely bald guy in the corner makes no sense.
Gus: Am I the only person that’s freaked out he’s been sitting there this whole time?
Henry: You’re not afraid of a competition, are you Shawn?
Shawn: Of course not. As long as it doesn’t involve people trying to best each other.
Lassiter: Well I’m up for it. Matter of fact, I’ve already won.
Shawn and Gus In Drag (Racing)
1990
Henry: What do you think you’re doing?!
Young Shawn: Well the important question is, what are you doing home?
Henry: I’m a detective, Shawn. New job, new hours.
Young Shawn: Could you write those down for me?
Viagra Falls
1990
Chief Herb Wilkins: Henry. You screwed up.
Henry: With all due respect, I got the guy.
Chief Wilkins: He had a partner.
Henry: I’ll get him too.
Chief Wilkins: You’re a detective now. The stakes are higher.
Present Day
Henry: You know who the victim is, don’t you?
Shawn: Santa Barbara’s oldest lobsterman?
Henry: No, Shawn. Herb Wilkins. Best chief this department’s ever had.
Shawn: Well here’s the good news. Looks like he lived eight or nine decades before he met his maker.
Henry: I’m going to ask you to be respectful here.
Shawn: And I will politely decline. Come on, Dad, I’m kidding. Alright, I get it.
Shawn: Who are the old guys?
Henry: Boone and Peters. Veterans of the SBPD. Worked under Herb for many many years. Volunteers these days. These guys are legends.
Shawn: So are leprechauns but you don’t see them rolling out crime tape.
Henry: These drugs are still just circumstantial.
Chief Vick: Agreed. But this is starting to paint a worrisome picture.
Juliet: I just got a confirmation that Herb withdrew fifty thousand dollars from his savings account three days ago in cash.
Lassiter: Presumably to buy this surplus of nose candy.
Juliet: Evidence points to a drug hit.
Chief Vick: This is bad. This is really bad.
Ferry Tale
Present Day
Henry: Shawn, the worst thing you can do in these situations is take matters into your own hands.
Shawn: Got it. {he hangs up} We’re going to have to take matters into our own hands.
Gus: Are you sure that’s what your dad said?
Shawn: Gus, don’t be the one game at Chuck E. Cheese that isn’t broken. By the time the police arrive these prisoners will be halfway from here to the Pacific Ocean.
Gus: Halfway from here to the Pacific Ocean is the Pacific Ocean, Shawn.
Juliet: Chief, we have to listen to them. Two of our own are on board.
Lassiter: Well, one-and-a-half at best.
Henry: Still not helpful!
Shawn 2.0
1990
Young Gus: Why can’t I ever beat him?
Henry: ‘Cause you got no game, Gus. I’d stick to tapping.
Henry: Winners don’t need spots. You know what they need?
Young Gus: Steroids!
Henry: Nobody’s using that stuff, Gus. That’s just a rumor. I’ll tell you what they need, Shawn. They need a belief that they can be victorious no matter how tough the challenge. Now. {he tosses him the ball} Start believing. {Shawn goes for the shot and Henry bats it away}. Get that weak ass crap outta my face. This is my house!
Young Gus: Technically it’s the bank’s.
Henry: You’re never going to improve in life if you keep competing with people who stink. No offense, Gus.
Young Gus: None taken.
Henry: You gotta challenge yourself. If you don’t, complacency sets in. Bad things happen when you become complacent.
Present Day
Chief Vick: All precinct resources will be made available to you including outside consultants.
Henry: Specifically we’ll be bringing in Psych because of their experience working with serial killers.
Shawn: We help them write and produce one-act plays on the weekend.
Gus: They’re usually very dark.
Henry: If you wanna hang with this guy, you’re going to have to up your game.
Extradition II: The Actual Extradition Part
Henry: I’m not going to bail you out this time.
Shawn: I’m not going to ask you to.
Henry: Good. Because you’ve got my only suitcase.
Shawn: See you Monday, pop.
Henry: Did you tell her yet?
Shawn: Tell who what?
Henry: Come on, Shawn. I heard the whole conversation with Gus about Juliet going off on this trip with Declan Rand and how you’re going to try to wow her and tell her how much you care about her before she gets too serious. Blah blah blah blah blah.
Shawn: I shared that with Gus in the men’s room at the Red Robin. Where were you hiding?
Henry: You butt-dialed me.
Henry: Dad. Can we never have this conversation again?
Shawn: We can certainly try.
We’d Like to Thank the Academy
Chief Vick: Yesterday’s stunt may be the most assisine and idiotic thing I’ve seen in all my years at this department.
Gus: That doesn’t sound like props.
Shawn: She’s roasting us.
Gus: Oh.
Henry: What the hell do you think you were doing?
Shawn: Oh I don’t know, catching the bad guys?
Henry: He was setting up a sting, Shawn. Do you have any idea what that involves?
Shawn: Newman. Redford. The lettuce. The ponies.
Chief Vick: Wireptaps, search warrants. Surveillance teams. All of which take time.
Shawn: That sounds like something for you to worry about. What we like to do is come up with a solution. And make it happen.
Gus: Not always in that order.
The Polarizing Express
Chief Vick: I have been given an ultimatum by the Mayor. And as a result this department has decided to take preemptive action.
Shawn: About time I was issued a weapon.
Chief Vick: I’m placing you on suspension. Indefinitely.
Shawn: Indefinitely? Well make up your mind, Chief. Am I suspended or not?
Henry: You made your bed, kid.
Shawn: I haven’t made my bed in fifteen years.
Chief Vick: In addition, Internal Affairs is gonna want to speak with you so I’d advise you not to leave town.
Henry: I’ve been telling you all along. Your blatant disregard for protocol, your reckless police work, it was bound to happen—
Chief Vick: Furthermore, I’ve notified the Mayor that as a result of you failing to contrl your special consultant, your position is being dissolved. Effective immediately.
Henry: Meaning what, Karen?
Chief Vick: Your services are no longer required.
Henry: What exactly are you trying to say?
Chief Vick: You’re fired, Henry.
Henry: I’m just so tired of the grind. You and me, spinning our wheels, going in opposite directions. I can’t help but wonder what our lives might have been like if you’d just stayed wherever the hell you were and not come back to Santa Barbara five years ago.
Shawn: Wow. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t have come back.
Yang 3 in 2D
1990
Present Day