Romeo and Juliet and Juliet
Chief Vick: I don’t remember calling you, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: Didn’t have to, Chief. It called me.
Gus: Called collect.
Shawn: That’s right. Which is odd, because I’m also on Twitter and the cases usually tweet me.
Shawn: Buzz! Have you searched the kidnapped girl’s apartment?
Buzz McNab (Sage Brocklebank): Ah, they just finished.
Shawn: Great. We’ll need that address.
Buzz: Oh! You guys got hired on the case.
Shawn: Define hired.
Shawn: We need information.
Ken (Jerry Shea): Woah, wait. You guys aren’t here to pay me for my last day.
Shawn: I believe I did pay you.
Gus: We didn’t pay him anything.
Shawn: We paid him in gratitude and life lessons.
Ken: You guys think that ’cause I’m Asian I’m supposed to know all this stuff? That’s borderline racist, man.
Shawn: Racist? Oh, I hardly think so. Inappropriate?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: Insulting.
Gus: Sure.
Shawn: Stereotyping.
Gus: Sure.
Shawn: Not racist.
Gus: Maybe a little racist.
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): You know, there’s no shame in feeling what you’re feeling. That Yin case is the kind of thing that can shut a person down.
Juliet: Et tu, Chief? I will come back when I am ready.
Gus: You need to tell the polie that this is not a kidnapping.
Sang Tan: It’s not that simple.
Gus: It’s pretty simple.
Bekki: I’m pregnant.
Ken: Dude, I speak nine words of Chinese. Six of those are numbers!
Feet Don’t Kill Me Now
Woody: I’d be honored to saw through your chest and remove your good-natured heart from its cavity.
Shawn: I’m touched.
Not Even Close… Encounters
1990
Present Day
Chivalry Is Not Dead… But Someone Is
Clive Prescott (John Michael Higgins): Ask yourself the question: what is the picture that you’re painting of yourself.
Shawn: What is this thing, Fight Club for butlers?
Clive Prescott: For instance, what do these two, ah, boys do wrong?
Shawn: Ah, there must be some sort of mistake. We’re not students. I’m psychic detective Shawn Spencer. This is my partner, Chaz Bono.
Clive Prescott: Psychic detective. Gentlemen, this is just what I’m talking about. If you’re going to create a fake profession at least make it sound real.
Prescott: May I ask you a personal question?
Shawn: Sure.
Prescott: Have you ever been tested for idiocy?
Lassiter: You have a funny way of morning. You sure didn’t waste any time getting back up on that horse after your husband’s death.
Jillian Tucker (Jean Smart): I’m late for a business meeting. And I don’t ride horses, detective.
Lassiter: Mrs. Tucker, are you trying to seduce me?
Jillian Tucker: Not even a little.
Gus: Can you tell us about Lance Tolkin?
Prescott: Can I, meaning do I have the neurological or verbal ability to do so?
Gus: Sorry. Will you?
Shawn: I’ve heard it both ways.
Prescott: Maybe on a farm you have.
Shawn: You just pushed my competitive button and now it’s on.
Jillian Tucker: I would be frightened. If you were wearing any buttons.
Shawn: You mean I’m not going to die?
Doctor: Well maybe from all the tapioca pudding and raisins in your stomach.
Prescott: My understanding is that you were barely poisoned.
Shawn: Why do people keep qualifying that?
Shawn: You know, my best friend Burton Guster said that we can all afford to be a little more gentlemanly in life and you know what? He was dead wrong about that.
Prescott: Wow.
Shawn: But I’ll tell you what I can see. The way I think is the right way to do things is not the only way.
Prescott: It’s barely a way at all.
Shawn: Well it’s my way.
Prescott: Not a real way.
Shawn: It’s the way I approach something. It qualifies as a way.
Prescott: But it’s not a very good way.
Shawn: Clive, I think you should settle down.
Prescott: Fine.
Shawn: We can all afford to grow up a bit. Even me.
Prescott: Especially you.
Shawn: The truth is, I want to change. I need to change.
Prescott: You got that right.
Shawn: I want my father, on his death bed—four or five years from now—to look at me and say, “That! That is the man that I raised!” And I want him to be pointing at some other guy. Because that means that maybe, just maybe, I am not his biological son.
Eugenia (Lee Garlington): would you have felt better if I had tried to kill you too? You know, you should meet a nice girl and focus on her. And never ever come back here.
Shawn and Gus In Drag (Racing)
Buzz: Awesome driving.
Lassiter: Thank you, McNab. There is actually quite a bit more to pursuit driving than most people think.
Buzz: I was talking about the other guy.
Tommy Nix (Adam Rodriguez): Clearly these guys are insane. They’re just looking to have some fun.
Shawn: I race hard. You race hard. You’re an awesome key-flipper. I can play Sowing the Seeds of Love on the recorder. He has that head. Now we all know each other. Why don’t you tell us where the next race is.
Tommy: What’s your name?
Shawn: Shawn.
Tommy: There’s an old saying, Shawn. If you need to ask, then you don’t belong there.
Shawn: I knew that.
Stig: Then why’d you ask?
Shawn: Well if you must know, it’s a rhetorical question. Like “Where’s Waldo.” Or “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”
Tommy: If you find the race, I’ll be happy to see you guys.
Manny (Zak Santiago): You know what we do with little guys who come around here asking bitch ass questions?
Shawn: I’m guessing he doesn’t break into song.
No, we kick their bitch asses.
Shawn: Side note: that guy would have killed me.
Tommy: Yeah. Quickly and quietly.
Shawn: And my body turns up in a ditch somewhere.
Tommy: They would have never found your body.
Shawn: No body.
Tommy: And yet, you didn’t back down.
Shawn: Well you know, I don’t like to um…
Tommy: Think ahead?
Shawn: Yes!
Tommy: That’s some of the craziest stuff I’ve seen in a long time. You know you dudes got a lot of balls.
Shawn: Four, actually. And one phantom one I call Rigby.
Gina (Vanessa Minnillo): Or your asses are just lucky.
Paget: Yes, I hired Max. Yes, I called him after he retrieved my car. But he didn’t tell me that he had a change of heart.
Juliet: Well what did he say then?
Paget: He said somebody was after him.
Lassiter: Who?
Paget: He didn’t get a chance to tell me that. From the sound of his voice he was scared.
Tommy: It’s about freedom. No barriers. You tell me I can’t do something, I’m going to show you that I can. Or I’m gonna die trying. Adrenaline. That’s God’s greatest gift.
Buzz: There they are. Nice work, guys.
Shawn: Thank you, Buzz.
Buzz: No, I meant nice work getting owned by a girl.
Shawn: Okay. For your information we did not get owned. We refused to fight back.
Gus: We don’t hit women.
Shawn: That’s right.
Lassiter: No, but apparently she does.
Tommy: That was quick. Guys at impound must have not been paying attention.
Shawn: No, they were. But then I busted out the Rice Krispy treats. It’s like flypaper, man. {Tommy laughs} Seriously those things are really sticky.
Viagra Falls
1990
Chief Herb Wilkins: Henry. You screwed up.
Henry: With all due respect, I got the guy.
Chief Wilkins: He had a partner.
Henry: I’ll get him too.
Chief Wilkins: You’re a detective now. The stakes are higher.
Present Day
Chief Wilkins: Okay, you come and get me. I’ll squeeze the coward out of both of you!
Shawn: I’m having a clear vision on a cloudy day! Herb Wilkins did not—
Don Peters (William Devane): Kill himself.
Shawn: Thank you. Mr. Peters, is it? If it’s all right with you I’d like to continue. My name is Shawn Spencer. I am the psychic detective for the—
Floyd Boone (Carl Weathers): Psychic? Son. We don’t mess with the Devil. Now you better ride that goat with someone else.
Shawn: The Devil? Really?
Peters: Stay in the background. I’ll try not to embarrass you this time.
Shawn: I can embarrass myself just fine on my own.
Peters: You got that right, Rick.
Shawn: Mr. Peters, sir, is there something about me that rubs you the wrong way? Perhaps my strong hairline. Or muscular haunches?
Peters: You and your sidekick are untrained pests. Floyd and I have very little patience with your malarkey, shenanigans or tomfoolery.
Shawn: The big three.
Boone: You looking for a handout?
Gus: I’m just being cordial.
Boone: You’re eyeballing my watch.
Gus: It’s a Casio.
Boone: You just proved my point, slick fingers.
Peters: Well. The palm reader. And that guy who looks like a young Lawonda Page decided to join us.
Gus: Lawonda Page? From Sanford and Son?
Boone: Damn right. Without that hair cut you look just like her.
Shawn: You do have a little Lawonda in the eyes.
Gus: Shut up, Shawn.
Henry: These drugs are still just circumstantial.
Chief Vick: Agreed. But this is starting to paint a worrisome picture.
Juliet: I just got a confirmation that Herb withdrew fifty thousand dollars from his savings account three days ago in cash.
Lassiter: Presumably to buy this surplus of nose candy.
Juliet: Evidence points to a drug hit.
Chief Vick: This is bad. This is really bad.
Juliet: Detectives, we know that you’re hurting right now, so if you need anything please don’t hesitate to reach out to us.
Boone: You really mean that?
Juliet: I do.
Boone: You mind picking up my duds? They’ll be ready at five sharp.
Juliet: No. But I’ll pick your teeth up off the floor if you ask me that again. {Boone walks off} What could he possibly need dry cleaned?
Shawn: We don’t care what Herb was up to. Put our differences aside and work together on this, okay? Between the four of us we’ve got what? Over three hundred years of crime fighting under our belts. What do you say? We’re the apples, you’re the oranges.
Peters: We’ve gotta be the same fruit!
Shawn: How about grapples?
Boone: I do love a good grapple, Don.
Peters: Okay, it’s a deal. We’re the grapples.
Chief Vick to Peters: You’re both fired. You’re off this investigation.
Shawn: Well, them’s the breaks. Sometimes you gotta make the tough decisions.
Chief Vick: Oh, you’re fired too, Spencer. You’re all off this case.
Shawn: What’s the plan?
Peters: Well. We could sneak through a window and start a grease fire in the bathroom.
Boone: Do it Shawn and Gus style.
Boone: Nice job, detective.
Juliet: Thank you.
Chief Vick: Let me start by saying that everyone did an incredible job today. And the fact that I fired all four consultants and they went ahead and pursued this case anyway is something I’m choosing to forget.
Boone: I’d be honored to take you in, Gus, if you got no parents.
Gus: That’s… very kind of you, Boone. But I do have parents. And I’m in my thirties so… I think I’m good.
Ferry Tale
The guard lets a little kid go to the head of the bathroom line
Shawn: What gives?
Craig (Chi McBride): You see him doing his little pee-pee dance? Even they can see that. They’re felons, not animals.
Gus: Wait. Where is your gun?
Craig: Oh. They probably turned it in for some books at the local community center. Where you think it’s at, man?
Craig: I just assumed y’all were just a couple of punkass friends from grade school that liked to get theyself in different situations and then riff off things at other people’s expense, you know?
Shawn: Hey dude.
Sanders: What?!
Shawn: Why don’t you let the women and children… and men go.
Shawn: That’s it. They’re starting to break. This is my chance to convince them to let us go.
Craig: Alright, now listen. You gotta come at these guys hard if you want them to respect you. No silliness or random movie references.
Shawn: This is just like Collateral. Except I’m Jamie Foxx and you’re Tom Cruise. You look Cruise.
Craig: You finished?
Shawn: Oh yeah. I’m done.
Craig: You sure? You sure? ‘Cause if you’re not…
Shawn: No, I’m done. I promise.
Craig: No, ’cause you seem to think I ain’t got nothing else better to do with my time.
Craig: Okay, one way for you to come off hard, take the last thing they said and then repeat it back to them. You know, like an angry question.
Shawn: That doesn’t make any sense.
Craig: That doesn’t make any sense?!
Shawn: I stand corrected.
Craig: Oh, you stand corrected?!
Shawn: I got it.
Craig: Are you sure?
Shawn: Yeah yeah.
Craig: You sure? Because it’s subtle, how it works.
Shawn: It’s not subtle. I got it.
Craig: So how you wanna handle it?
Shawn: I’m a psychic detective, remember?
Craig: Not really.
Northcutt puts down the gun
Shawn: Gus, it worked. It’s a miracle.
Gus: No, Shawn, it’s not.
Craig armed: I’ll take that.
Shawn: Craig.
Craig: Yeah, probably not a good idea to taunt violent criminals, fellahs.
Shawn 2.0
Shawn: I’ll take a baked good that I will be choosing momentarily and a latte that your fine establishment will be paying for once I nail the trivia question that you put on that board, just like I do every morning.
Mynka: Oh, except this one.
Shawn: I’m afraid your confidence reeks falser than your boyfriend’s ID. Which, FYI, I saw taped to the counter at 7-11.
Shawn: Ninety-seven!
Declan Rand (Nestor Carbonell): I actually believe it’s ninety-eight. Fenster dropped one after that line-up scene. Often gets mistaken for the word “gug.” Which isn’t even a word. But let’s be honest, it should be.
Shawn to Gus: What’s happening right here?
Mynka: He’s right. It’s ninety-eight.
Shawn: Alright, who are you? And why do you keep stealing my moments?
Declan Rand: I’m sorry. I’m Declan Rand, criminal profiler.
Lassiter: Right. Chief Vick said you’d be dropping by. I’m Detective Carlton Lassiter, my partner Juliet O’Hara and… {indicates Shawn} eh.
Shawn: “Criminal profiler.” Sounds like one of those job titles that only exists in cheesy TV shows.
Declan Rand: No argument here. What is it that you do?
Shawn: I’m a psychic detective.
Chief Vick: All precinct resources will be made available to you including outside consultants.
Henry: Specifically we’ll be bringing in Psych because of their experience working with serial killers.
Shawn: We help them write and produce one-act plays on the weekend.
Gus: They’re usually very dark.
Declan: You’re highly intelligent, but you’re shameful of that fact so you play it down with the use of inappropriate behavior. And you live in fear of showing weakness so you hide behind a constant barrage of jokes and sarcasm.
Shawn: I agree. Not. said the liar.
Declan: I’m not sure those two go together. “Said the liar” cancels “not” out.
Shawn: So’s your face.
Declan: Good work, Shawn.
Shawn: Shut up, Declan.
Declan: Are you sure we don’t want to ask her more questions? She was a precise match to my profile.
Lassiter: Your profile can kiss my big round white dumper, Declan. I do not enjoy pointing my gun at innocent women!
Juliet: You don’t?
Lassiter: No. I’m not twenty-nine anymore.
Shawn: Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me!
Declan: Yes?
Shawn: Why is there a man who looks exactly like Kurt Smith from Tears for Fears playing an acoustic set next to that tree and your swimming pool?
Declan: I’m sorry, I should have introduced you. Kurt, meet Shawn and Gus.
Kurt Smith: Afternoon, gentlemen.
Shawn: Oh dear god. It’s you. The real you. The fleshy you. I love you. Do you have any idea how much I love you?
Kurt Smith: I think I do now.
Shawn: You either tell her you’re a fake criminal prodiler or I will.
Declan: You do that and then I’ll be forced to tell her you’re not a real psychic. {the music stops}
Shawn: A dramatic pause? Really? Come on, Kurt. That’s beneath you, man. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Declan: Oh come on, Shawn. I’ve been on to you since the beginning. Don’t forget we read the same books.
Juliet: If you’re sitting on any other life secrets, now is the time to tell me.
Declan: Okay. I’m really rich.
Juliet: Okay I can deal with that.
One, Maybe Two, Ways Out
Nadia (Franka Potente): Do you know anyone who owns a chopper?
Shawn: 99.6% of the time the answer to that question is nobody.
Strabinsky (Jon Gries): I will snuff you out without even touching you.
Shawn: Harsh. Intimidating. Intriguing how you would actually snuff without touching. But also fair.
Strabinsky: Normally I’d be hot under the collar, but I have to admit I’m a sucker for a couple of familiar faces.
Shawn: And you look almost as good upside down as you look rightside up. And that can only be said about you, me and maybe Javier Bardem.
Nadia: No. Not Javier Bardem.
Shawn: No? You don’t think so?
Nadia: Jon Stewart.
Shawn: Jon Stewart. Really? I wouldn’t…
Extradition II: The Actual Extradition Part
Shawn: Dude. You addressed that to Chief Vick.
Buzz: Really? Bullet dodged.
Shawn: Just think how weird that would have been.
Pierre Despereaux (Cary Elwes): Gentlemen.
Shawn: Prison looks good on you.
Despereaux: You call it prison. I liken it to a mid-range Sandals resort.
Despereaux: You see, Shawn, my life’s goal has always been to commit the perfect crime. I’ve always thought of my heists as… elegant. Victimless. But you made me feel somehow… regretful. You genuinely wanted me to be the greatest thief that ever lived.
Shawn: You know that’s right. {Gus glares at him}
Despereaux: Well gentlemen, I need you to know that I am capable of all the things you thought I could do. And more. And I’d like the opportunity to prove it to you.
Gus: You don’t have to prove to us that you’re a great criminal.
Despereaux: I want to.
Gus: You shouldn’t.
Despereaux: But I will.
Corporal Robert Mackintosh: You know that I like you guys a lot, but last time you were here you got me fired.
Shawn: Technically you got yourself fired.
Mackintosh: By doing what you asked.
Shawn: We got you your job back.
Mackintosh: At the lowest possible level.
Despereaux: Oh Camilla Parker Bowles. I’ve been set up.
Shawn: I think we’re the ones that got set up.
Despereaux: Somebody came in and planted those things after I stole the art. I mean now they’re trying to pin me for murder. Surely you can see that.
Gus: Nope. Nope.
Shawn: No. Tell it to the judge. I don’t love you anymore.
Shawn: Despereaux, what are you doing here?
Despereaux: Same thing you’re doing here. Trying to prove me innocent.
Shawn: Yeah we haven’t decided if we think you’re innocent.
Gus: I did. You’re not.
Lassiter: Is this how they do things at the station?
Deputy Commissioner Ed Dykstra (Ed Lauter): No. No, usually it’s much less professional.
Despereaux: I was the pawn. I can’t be the pawn.
Shawn: I don’t know why you’re smiling. THe charges in the States are every bit as steep as the ones here.
Despereaux: I find your confidence in the American justice system adorable. They’ll never convict me.
Lassiter: We’ll convict you.
Despereaux: Now, I want to pose a question to you Shawn and I want you to consider it sincerely.
Shawn: Shoot.
Despereaux: Lunch. Friday.
Shawn: Hm. I’ll visit you in prison.
Despereaux: I’d schedule that sooner rather than later.
In Plain Fright
Shawn: You’re not listening. I saw a man gasping for his life.
Carol: You saw a volleyball on a broomstick.
Shawn: No! {beat} Yes, I saw that too. The illusion actually played. But this is something different.
Shawn: Three ninjas. Mega mountain. Reunited and it feels so, so good.
Ken (Jerry Shea): I like that song. I’m only allowed to use these access keys for business.
Shawn: Murder is our business.
Shawn: Gus, seeing as how we might be dying at any moment, I have a confession to make. Remember how you got bummed out when I started seeing Abigail? You thought things between us were going to change and you ate all those waffles to try and deal with it?
Gus: What the hell are you talking about, Shawn?
Eve (Nora Dunn): I don’t think this is really the time for this!
Shawn: I hooked up with Juliet.
Gus: So?
Shawn: So? We’re breaking up the duo. It’s not just Shawn and Gus anymore. Now it’s more like that Say Say Say video.
Gus: You’ve been after her for five years.
Eve: Five years?
Gus: He’s really not that smooth.
Shawn: I’m not that smooth?
Dual Spires
Shawn: Wow, everyone looks so happy. And yet so perplexed.
Gus: Something’s off about this place, Shawn. People keep looking like I’m the first black man they’ve seen.
Shawn: Come on, Gus. Don’t be absurd.
Girl on Bike: Hey Mister. Are you Frederick Douglass?
Gus: Shawn. We need to get out of here.
Bob Barker (Dana Ashbrook): Just passing through?
Shawn: We’re here for the festival. We take our cinnamon very seriously.
Sheriff Andrew Jackson (Lenny von Dohlen): We don’t have the internet in Dual Spires. It’s simpler that way.
Shawn: Dude, we’re doing Witness.
Gus: They were Amish.
Shawn: Not Danny Glover, he was black.
Gus: What are you talking about?
Gus: Mrs. Barker, is everything okay?
Michelle Barker (Robyn Lively): No. Everything is not okay.
Bob: Michelle.
Michelle: What? I can’t just sit here, and pretend to be excited about churros, and Leo the Cinnamon Owl.
Shawn: I sense someone is missing.
Bob: Our niece, Paula. She’s been gone about a day and a half.
“Who killed Paula Merral?”
Shawn: Gus, we weren’t called here for a cinnamon festival. {he shows him the email}
Sheriff Jackson: Listen, why don’t you take Michelle home. She’s gonna need you to be strong now. I’ll get Deputy Frost to take you back in the rickshaw.
Dr. Donna Gooden (Sheryl Lee): I’m a woman of science and law. And accounting. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel.
Wood Woman (Catherine E. Coulson): What did Grandma tell you about wandering off in the store? {a little kid finally pops up}
Gus relieved: I was going to say.
Shawn: That would have been too much.
Randy: Who are you?
Shawn: A couple of guys with a passion for the truth.
Gus: And cinnamon.
Shawn: I get it. It’s Pretty In Pink. You’re Andrew McCarthy.
Randy: Who’s Andrew McCarthy?
Shawn: That’s fair.
Maudette Hornsby (Sherilyn Fenn): I thought you were a psychic.
Shawn: I am. But how did you know that?
Maudette: Word travels. You know we don’t get a lot of gossip around here, so untimely death, a psychic and a black man all in one day? Epic.
Shawn: I really thought we were being discreet.
Gus: You do know what discreet means, don’t you? That’s a serious question.
Shawn: Thank you, Father. you’ve been so much help. Gus will see you in church on Sunday.
Father Westley (Ray Wise): What about you?
Shawn stepping out of the sweet spot: What? Oop, you’re breaking up.
Father Westley: What?
Shawn: Can’t hear anything. Hello? Father!
Father Westley: W— ? Wait, wait! There’s more.
Jack Smith: …and then jet blackness.
Gus: What does that mean?
Shawn: Great porn name for you.
Shawn: What is it about all the secret relationships in this town? It’s like General Hospital. {Jack looks lost… more lost} You’re kidding me. Alright, that’s it. Is there a film or a television series that you people actually saw?
Jack: The town gets together every Thursday night to watch reruns of Everwood.
Shawn: Okay. I can work with that.
Gus: Father Westley! Thank God you were here. Literally.
Shawn: We were about to be wicker men. How did you find us?
Father Westley: I just had faith.
Shawn: Really?
Father Westley: No.
Shawn: Did Paula ever know that you were her father?
Bob: Yes. I had to tell her in order to get her to come here in the first place.
Sheriff Jackson: Her death—though tragic—saves our future.
Bob: You killed a little girl.
Gus: Um. What about us?
Dr. Gooden: Honestly? Far less tragic. We barely know you.
Shawn: It’s nice to finally have some alone time.
Juliet: It is. But you know we’re not really alone, Shawn.
Father Westley: You were not lying about the pie, Burton. It’s heavenly.
We’d Like to Thank the Academy
Chief Vick: Yesterday’s stunt may be the most assisine and idiotic thing I’ve seen in all my years at this department.
Gus: That doesn’t sound like props.
Shawn: She’s roasting us.
Gus: Oh.
Henry: What the hell do you think you were doing?
Shawn: Oh I don’t know, catching the bad guys?
Henry: He was setting up a sting, Shawn. Do you have any idea what that involves?
Shawn: Newman. Redford. The lettuce. The ponies.
Chief Vick: Wireptaps, search warrants. Surveillance teams. All of which take time.
Shawn: That sounds like something for you to worry about. What we like to do is come up with a solution. And make it happen.
Gus: Not always in that order.
Nick Conforth (Ralph Macchio): Listen, your program breaks down as follows: a third will be spent in the classroom, a third will involve fieldwork and one-third will involve physical training.
Shawn: What about the other third?
Gus: Are you kidding?
Shawn: Never mind. Surprise us.
Conforth: I can’t believe you are Henry Spencer’s son.
Shawn: Well neither can I. It’s an ongoing investigation.
Shawn: Seriously. For the ten hours or so that we retain the stuff that you’ve taught us, you made a real difference, Nick.
Conforth: I am twice the cop that he is.
Shawn: Well don’t just stand there and wax on about it.
Gus: Look, we can catch the guys responsible for those robberies.
Conforth: Good. You guys go. I’ll just screw it up.
Shawn: I can not believe what I’m hearing. Do you know what the Nick Conforth we know would be doing right now?
Conforth: No.
Shawn: Well, neither do we really, because our whole relationship only spans about a day.
Shawn: Dickey, what happened?
Dickie: Some guy that looks like a fabulous Emmitt Smith just kidnapped my friend.
Shawn: Devry.
Shawn: We won’t let you down, Chief.
Chief Vick: Yes you will. Now, hand over your cadet badge.
Shawn: Gladly. {checking his pockets} I must have, ah… slung it in one of these side babies here just right in there for safe… Boy, I really do have a problem.
Shawn: You do realize this is the end of True Romance.
Gus: That was a massacre, Shawn. Everybody died.
Shawn: That’s not true. Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette made it out.
Dickie: And Michael Rappaport.
Shawn: Good point, Dickie. I forgot about that.
Conforth: Mr. Spencer, do you have this under control?
Shawn: I believe I do. How are you doing over there?
Conforth: I think I’m going to barf. {he runs off}
Shawn: Oh, that’s… that’s unfortunate.
The Polarizing Express
Katie: KSRP23 has obtained the video footage that lead to the mistrial.
News Anchor: Thanks for that report, Katie. The person seen in the video conducting that unauthorized search is one Shawn Spencer, a psychic consultant for the Santa Barbara police department.
D.A. Clark (Greg Kean): You have nobody to blame but yourselves. Particularly when it comes to this psychic.
Chief Vick: Okay, instead of pointing fingers let’s focus on next steps.
D.A. Clark: Fine. I strongly suggest that SBPD take a long look at their methods.
Chief Vick: Duly noted.
Chief Vick: I have been given an ultimatum by the Mayor. And as a result this department has decided to take preemptive action.
Shawn: About time I was issued a weapon.
Chief Vick: I’m placing you on suspension. Indefinitely.
Shawn: Indefinitely? Well make up your mind, Chief. Am I suspended or not?
Henry: You made your bed, kid.
Shawn: I haven’t made my bed in fifteen years.
Chief Vick: In addition, Internal Affairs is gonna want to speak with you so I’d advise you not to leave town.
Henry: I’ve been telling you all along. Your blatant disregard for protocol, your reckless police work, it was bound to happen—
Chief Vick: Furthermore, I’ve notified the Mayor that as a result of you failing to contrl your special consultant, your position is being dissolved. Effective immediately.
Henry: Meaning what, Karen?
Chief Vick: Your services are no longer required.
Henry: What exactly are you trying to say?
Chief Vick: You’re fired, Henry.
Tony Cox: The bottom line is, it’s snowing styrofoam and I’m stuck here.
Shawn: Why?
Tony Cox: Because I’m your super-ego.
Shawn: No kidding. Boy, I wish I could show you to all the people that said I should be more humble.
Tony Cox: You’re supposed to go on a journey of self-discovery, fool. Now let’s do this.
Shawn: I guess he was dead wrong. It’s a good thing I came back after all.
Tony Cox: You do realize you’re pulling all the strings in this dream. You did this just to make yourself feel better.
Shawn: Who’s next?
Tony Cox: It’s Gus. Now his Old Lady has a kid from a different baby daddy. His alocholic mother-in-law lives with them too. And I’m pretty sure they live next door to Edie McClurg.
Shawn: That sounds like a UPN sitcom from the mid-nineties.
Stranjay (Keshia Knight Pulliam): Give your daddy a fist bump.
Anfernee: He ain’t my daddy!
Stranjay: What’s happening, Anfernee?
Anfernee: You ain’t my daddy.
Shawn: Is that all he says?
Tony Cox: This season. Lat year was, “Sniff this, unit.”
A spokesperson for the SBPD found it odd that the surveillance footage asn’t submitted earlier in the investigation.
Shawn: Wow. This is really horrible. Gus is so underappreciated around here.
Tony Cox: Bingo. Now you’re getting it. You’re imagination is dark and ridiculous, but at least the message is buried in there somewhere.
Shawn: Oh you mean that everyone would be miserable if I hadn’t come back to Santa Barbara? I could have told you that.
Tony Cox: Boy are you in for a surprise.
Officer Bachynsky (Graeme Beddoes): We have no back up, they have heavy artillery.
Juliet: We called for back up, Bachynsky. If we wait lose them, we have nothing to back up. It also means we suck.
Tony Cox: How much longer are you going to stay in denial, huh?
Shawn: How much time do we have?
Tony Cox: Get out of the car.
Shawn: Can I be perfectly honest? I can’t feel anything below my chin.
Shawn: I need to wake up.
Tony Cox: Not until you learn your lesson.
Shawn: I did. I learned how important I am to everyone.
Tony Cox: This isn’t about them. haven’t you seen It’s a Wonderful Life?
Shawn: No. I can’t do black and white.
Tony Cox: How about a Christmas Carol?
Shawn: I can’t do subtitles. You know what I did see? Elf. How come you’re not in that movie?
Tony Cox: It’s not about me or which movies I should have gotten over Dinklage.
Tony Cox: It’s time to grow up, or you’re going to lose the people that care about you the most.
I am? I guess I could afford to make a stride or two.
Tony Cox: Who is this?
Shawn: Us. As a kid.
Tony Cox: It doesn’t look like us as a kid.
Young Shawn: Well we change. Sometimes from week to week, huh?
Shawn: That’s true.
Dead Bear Walking
Lassiter: This is my sister.
Buzz: Not genetically though, right?
Lassiter: Yes, genetically, you idiot! What’s the matter with you? Okay, I get it. There might be a little age difference between us, but I can assure you, although she may not have been traditionally planned, she was a happy accident.
Lauren Lassiter (April Bowlby): What must it be like to have the privilege to work alongsidemy brother every day. Isn’t he amazing?
Gus: You’re amazing. The way you press that record button and whatnot.
Lauren: He used to run hurdles in high school until he sprained his groin.
Shawn: You know, Gus here doesn’t have a groin. And that’s a true story. {Lauren walks off}
Gus: Why?
Shawn: ‘Cause you’re being super creepy.
Macleod Sinclaire (Brian Klugman): Animals were not meant to be in captivity!
Gus: Or my office.
Cody Blair (Michael Gross): This is highly unorthodox.
Shawn: I can assure you, you will not feel that way after I prove to you that this bear did not kill its trainer. You can enter that unto the record.
Lassiter: Spencer, this isn’t a coutroom, there are no records.
Shawn: Permission to treat this man as a hostile witness.
Blair: No.
Shawn: Quick sidebar?
Blair: Absolutely no.
Shawn: Should we poll the jury?
Blair: Negative.
Shawn: May I try on your robe, Judge?
Blair: If you’ll excuse me.
Lauren: Very impressive, Detective Lassiter.
Lassiter: Please. Call me Carlton.
Lauren: I will. I was doing a bit.
Yang 3 in 2D
1990
Present Day