At a press conference outside Lompoc
Thane Woodsen (Anthony Anderson): Look, state penal code 4903 states that I’m owed restitution. I know my rights! I have a law degree!
Mandelbaum (Rob Benedict): Okay, he doesn’t have a law degree.
Thane: I’m close!
Mandelbaum: Okay, he might have taken some classes.
Reporter: But in the eyes of the state he’s not due restitution until the real culprit is captured and proven guilty.
Thane: That’s what I’ll do then. After I get my law degree, I’ll enroll in the police academy and become a detective.
Mandelbaum: Okay, he’s not enrolling in the academy.
Thane: Then I will find somebody else to help me!
Shawn: So you want us to solve the crime that you were wrongfully convicted of.
Thane Woodsen (Anthony Anderson): I heard you’re one hell of a psychic from the very men that you put in jail.
Shawn: That’s not surprising. I’m sure my reputation in prison has reached mythical proportions.
Thane: Not really. But there is a long list of fellahs fixin’ to kill you as soon as they get out.
Shawn: Why just me? This is a two-man team.
Gus: Stop snitchin’, Shawn.
Shawn: We’re gonna fight the power!
Thane: Fight the power!
Shawn: Together!
Thane: Together!
Gus: Shawn, don’t get all Spike Lee and Do the Right Thing on me. {Shawn launches a waste basket at the window}
Shawn: It’s too late for that, brother! Love is gonna bust him out.
Gus: He’s already out, Shawn.
Shawn: Just ’cause you put syrup on something don’t make it pancakes.
Gus: What?
Juliet: Okay, I’ll bite. What’s the case?
Gus: Well in order to really appeciate it you have to first hear the back story.
Shawn: Yeah. Once upon a time, a poor country boy in search of a better life brushes off his overalls, hops on a freight and leaves the dusty roads of Georgia behind.
Gus: Shawn, that’s Grapes of Wrath. And it wasn’t a freight and it wasn’t Georgia. Thane wasn’t alive then.
Shawn: He had no formal education. But he did know a hundred uses for the peanut.
Gus: That’s George Washington Carver. Thane has a masters in culinary arts.
Shawn: So he moved to Santa Barbara and bought a horse.
Gus: That’s true.
Shawn: And in no time at all he got a job as a head chef. Then his life took a tragic turn when his restaurant was robbed.
Gus: He was at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Shawn: Got arrested, spent three long years in the Big House.
Gus: Not the clink!
Shawn: For a crime he didn’t commit.
Gus: Why?
Shawn: Faulty eyewitness testimony. Unfair justice system, and—
Juliet: Me.
Shawn: Trying to make this about you. This is our case.
Juliet: You’re talking about Thane Woodsen and that restaurant robbery was my case.
Lassiter: So you two breaking up over this?
Shawn: No!
Juliet: Of course not!
Lassiter: Don’t forget, I used to be involved with someone on the force. It can get very tricky keeping work issues from becoming personal. Now that I’m dating an incarcerated civilian, things are much simpler. Minus the two-inch glass and the leg shackles.
Juliet: I don’t take it personally that Shawn took on Thane’s case. Even though I am fairly certain that he is guilty.
Shawn: And I don’t take it personally that Juliet feels that way. Even though she simply couldn’t be wronger.
Lassiter: You two are so breaking up over this.
Lassiter: All convicts say they’re innocent, or they’re framed, or “Stop choking me.” But at the end of the day, Thane Woodsen was definitely guilty of something.
Shawn: Not according to the Innocence Project.
Lassiter: Which is why they’re high on my list of enemies. Right behind Internal Affairs, UNICEF and Lance Bass. {pause} Don’t ask.
Lassiter: So when things fall apart with Spencer and you, Marlowe and I met the perfect person.
Juliet: That means that person is in prison. And is a woman.
Lassiter: Which one of those is a problem?
Thane: You know what’s sorry? The state prison system. Where I spent three years.
Gus: I thought you said it was two years and eight months.
Thane: I’m rounding up, alright! And who are you? The Math Police?
Shawn: Why don’t you Ice Cube it down a notch or two or five.
Thane: Okay, cool. My bad.
Juliet: I’m the kind of person that would never ever ever forgive myself if I thought I put the wrong person behind bars, so if the real culprit is still out there, believe me I want to find him more than anyone.
Thane: Ah hell no. Man, I ain’t feeling her at all. She’s part of the system that stole my life!
Shawn: Thane, I can personally vouch for Juliet here. Especially now that she agrees with me. We’re all on the same team.
Thane: Oh, well then you ain’t on my team now.
Shawn: What?
Thane: Last thing we need is for her to plant evidence to frame some other dude.
Gus: We work with Juliet all the time. Besides it’s the other one that’s most likely to plant the evidence.
Thane: Either you work separate from the police or you don’t get your ten thousand dollars.
Gus: What ten thousand dollars?
Thane: I agreed to pay you ten percent of my restitution if you help me get it. You didn’t get the contract that Mandlebaum sent over?
Shawn: You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?
Lassiter: I do like it when you get your comeuppance.
Shawn: I like it when you shutuppance.
Gus: Going undercover as day laborers? Worst idea ever.
Shawn: Do you know how many terrible ideas you’re not accounting for by saying that?
Shawn: I knew you were lying when you said you built that deck all by yourself.
Henry: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Thane: Thanks for letting me tag along, fellahs.
Gus: You were hiding in the backseat.
Thane: Well thanks for leaving your extra set of car keys in plain sight in the back of your desk drawer.
Thane: Mr. Dozier, we need your help proving your son is a no good criminal.
Shawn: Smooth. Thank you.
Fred Dozier (Stoney Jackson): Come on in.
Thane: That’s what I’m talking about.
Lassiter about the video footage: Well maybe this is his way of saying “thank you” for trying to clear his good name.
Shawn: Man, Thane. If you had seen the video we saw, you would have been like, “Damn. That dude is guilty.”
Gus: You know that’s right.
Thane: What? Man, you guys are supposed to believe me.
Gus: And you’re supposed to not get arrested for killing someone.
Shawn: Talk about what they’re supposed to do, what they’re not supposed to do.
Lassiter: He has a very good point.
Thane: Note: we’re gonna sue the state for these last three hours as well.
Shawn to Gus: That means our cut’s three bucks.
Mandelbaum: No, he’s not gonna, not gonna sue the state.
Lassiter: Man, how many got out of jail free cards does a guy get?
Shawn: Two. One in Chance, one in the Community Chest.
Thane: Police Lady, you done right by me.
Juliet: Well I was horrified at the thought of making the same mistake twice.
Thane: I should have let you help a brother out when you offered. I misjudged you.
Shawn: I don’t know what happened. First I made Jules mad, then I made Thane lose faith, which cost us our fee, which made Gus cry which… is not that out of the ordinary.
Henry: Once again you find yourself stuck in the middle, Shawn, because you don’t want to take a side. But once you do, remember this: love lasts, money doesn’t. Oh come on, man. Go suck up to Juliet. You may never find a gal this good again.
Shawn: I know. But it was ten g’s!
Henry: Huh?
Shawn: Ten thousand dollars.
Henry: Are you kidding?
Shawn: Tax-free, I think.
Henry: Okay, scratch what I just said. Go buy Juliet a brooch!
Shawn: Brooch?
Henry: A tennis bracelet, a corsage… Get off the couch, go make up with Thane.
Shawn: You just said, “love lasts.”
Henry: It lasts a lot longer when you’ve got money in the bank. Trust me.
Jasmine (Sharon Taylor): As far as the diamonds go, they were a gift from my lousy ex.
Juliet: Carl Dozier?
Jasmine: Yes. He brought ’em by trying to win me back, but I said “hell no” and I threw him out.
Lassiter: But you kept the diamonds?
Jasmine: They’re not the ones who slept with my sister.
Shawn: That’s one of the many great things about you, Jules. Throughout this whole process you never got caught up in petty competitiveness.
Juliet: Oh, I so wanted to beat you guys.
Juliet: Did he just run a stop sign?
Shawn: Yes he did. But he also spent almost three years in jail for a crime he didn’t commit. I think we can give him a freebie.
Juliet: Yeah yeah. You’re right. Okay, that was a red light.
Shawn: Come on Jules.
Gus: Did he give you the check?
Shawn: I thought he gave you the check.
Gus: No.
Shawn: Oh, we gotta go after this dude.