The Avengers
Julie: Hey Kaitlin! Why aren’t you in school?
Kaitlin: ‘Cause it’s 8 o’clock at night. And a Saturday.
Neil: Julie! My god! Are you all right? What happened? Is there an earthquake I didn’t feel?
Julie: No. Help me. I was just trying to rearrange some furniture. I got some very helpful tips from HGTV.
Neil: Oh great. They suggested that you try to move a built-in?
Julie: I didn’t know it was a built-in.
Neil: Well it’s not anymore.
Julie: I have no feeling in my extremities.
Neil: I’m sure you have a pill for that.
Julie: Back off, Neil. I was almost just killed by your heinous furniture.
Ryan: What’s this?
Julie: It’s why I needed to see you. You see, after it happened I hired a private investigator to find out where he went. Volchok. And now I know. All the information is in this file. I’m not giving it to the cops. Jail’s too good for him. I’m giving it to you. You’re the only person who can understand how I feel. And you can do with it—with him—what you want.
Ryan: I don’t want it.
Julie: What?
Ryan: I don’t care about him, I don’t care about any of it and I don’t want to start.
Julie: That’s… that’s a lie, Ryan. That’s… I know you. Even if you didn’t come to her funeral or never visit her grave, you still care. Ryan leaves without a word.
Julie and Ryan meet at Marissa’s grave
Julie: I was wondering when you’d finally come here.
Ryan: Thanks for meeting me.
Julie: I’m here every day.
The Gringos
Julie: Something wrong?
Kirsten: The boys went to Mexico without asking us. I’m sure they’re fine, but—
Julie: Wait, Seth went to? I mean, he just doesn’t seem like Mr. Donkey Show. Not that they’re at a donkey show or even know what a donkey… Have you seen how great some of these clothes are?
Kaitlin: You haven’t moved in 18 hours. Is everything okay?
Julie: It’s fine. The world is an amoral toilet bowl and one day we’ll all be flushed.
Kaitlin: Okay, wow. That was a really uplifting message for your daughter.
Julie: It’s better you know now.
Kaitlin: Okay, I’m just going to go to the clothing drive.
Julie: Why?
Kaitlin: Because believe it or not, I actually want a life. And right now that means school and this stupid clothing drive. So I suck it up… You know some of us are still alive.
Julie: Kaitlin, I can’t do this. I can’t keep this family together and have you running around like Miss Clockwork Orange. I can’t. Honey, please. I need your help.
Kaitlin: Mom, do you really think that Dr. Roberts is at that conference by himself?
Julie: No. Of course not.
Kaitlin: Maybe I can make you some ice cream.
Sandy: I thought you might want to know that Ryan and Seth and back home. And Volchok’s disappeared.
Julie: What are you talking about?
Sandy: Stop it. You told Ryan where to find Volchok. Even for you, this is a new low.
Julie: Okay, you know what? You’re crazy. I’m just going to say goodnight.
Sandy: You sent Ryan down there to commit a murder. I could have you arrested.
Julie: But then you’d get Ryan arrested. And you’re not going to do that, are you?
Sandy: If anything happened to him. Or to Seth.
Julie: Okay, it’s late. And I’m not in the mood for threats.
Sandy: Sit down. After everything our family’s have been through, you would put our kids in danger?
Julie: At least you still have all your kids.
The Cold Turkey
Sandy: Julie.
Julie: I thought you weren’t speaking to me.
Sandy: I’m not calling to make peace. I’m looking for Ryan.
Julie: Ryan? You told me to stay away from him, remember?
Sandy: Oh c’mon. He called you as soon as he found out I had Volchok in custody.
Julie stunned: Volchok is in custody?
Sandy: So you really didn’t know, huh?
Julie: No, no I didn’t.
Sandy: He turned himself in this morning. I already spoke to the DA, it should be a done deal by tonight.
Julie: So it’s really over.
Sandy: I sure as hell hope so. Julie hangs up the phone. Julie? Julie?
Summer: Hey.
Julie: Hey.
Summer: Where’s my dad?
Julie: Gone.
Summer: Kaitlin?
Julie: Gone. We can’t go on like this anymore, can we?
Summer: No.
Julie: Hi.
Sandy: Julie, whatever it is, it’ll have to wait. We’re having Thanksgiving.
Julie: I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.
Sandy: I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that before.
Julie: I don’t think I’ve ever meant it.
Sandy: Well. Come on in.
Julie: Tell me about her.
Ryan: What?
Julie: Anything. Just… tell me about her.
The Metamorphosis
Kirsten: So you’re really giving up on men?
Julie: Men are to me what Chardonnay is to you. One sip and I’m upside down on a chandelier. Not that you’ve ever done that.
Julie: Kirsten, I feel like I’m coming down with something. I’m not feeling so hot. Do you mind if I take a rain check on our girls night in?
Kirsten: Julie, did you just put on lipstick?
Julie: What? No? Uh. I’m just a little flushed. I’ll call you.
The Sleeping Beauty
Julie: Oh my god. Wake up.
“Lars”: What are you doing?
Julie: It’s almost 8 o’clock. You have to get out of here before my daughter wakes up.
“Lars”: Noch zehn minuten. (Ten more minutes).
Julie kicking him out of bed: Schnell!
Julie on the phone with Kirsten: So, what, Sandy just served me up like a piece of meat? How rich is he? Five o’clock will be fine.
The Summer Bummer
Bullitt: I tell you, the women are well-preserved in this town. If my slacks weren’t so damn tight—
Julie: Bullitt. What are you doing here? I thought you were going to be a silent partner.
Bullitt: Oh, I ain’t here to work. Came to see my girlfriend.
Julie: What? No, I am not—
Bullitt: Car’s waiting outside. Dinner’s planned. I’d invite Blondie but she don’t look much like an eater.
Bullitt: Have dinner with me.
Julie: No.
Bullitt: A cocktail.
Julie: No.
Bullitt: Then let’s just make out.
Julie: I could hurt you. wields taser
Bullitt: Wow. Call me.
Bullitt: I swear, you make me all nervous inside.
Julie: So you only act like a bigot and a sexist pig around me?
Bullitt: No, I just feel worse about it when you’re around. You’re such a classy and elegant dame.
Well. That is true.
Julie: Hello?
Spencer: Julie. Hey, it’s Spencer. I just wanted to call and say thanks. I had a great night.
Julie: I would assume so. It’s pretty late.
Spencer: I’ll, ah, I’ll give you your cut when you get back into town.
Julie: My cut? No, Spencer. You paid to join the service. Your date doesn’t pay you. That’s illegal. You’re not a gigolo.
Spencer: Right. Open phone line. Got it. My bad. Anyway, you got yourself one satisfied customer. See ya.
Julie: Spencer, wait. phone rings. Spencer.
Pam: I wish. But it’s probably for the best. I am tin roof rusted.
(Gotta love the B-52s)
The Chrismukk-huh?
Alt-Sandy: A philanthropist means you help people.
Alt-Julie: Oh! Well you learn something everyday.
Julie: Oh, now honey I told you my family only drinks wine coolers.
Kaitlin: We’re having a very Britney Christmas, Mother.
Julie: Yes. Watch out. I might put you on my lap while we drive out there.
Kaitlin: You know, I really don’t think that Veronica’s going to care if Taylor’s in a bogus coma.
Julie: Well it doesn’t matter. Her daughter’s in the hospital and she needs to know.
Julie: Veronica, listen. I know you’re not the warm and fuzzy type. But it is Christmas Eve and it would mean so much if you could be there. And if you get on that plane right now I’ll tell security you have a bomb.
Kaitlin: Wow. Very Jack Bauer of you.
Ryan: There’s some guy who wants to meet you in the master bathroom. Something about getting a thong off.
Alt-Julie: Oh! Oh. That’s charity talk. Thong is an acronym for The Homeless of Newport… Go. Or something.
The Earth Girls Are Easy
Julie: I’m not questioning the fantasy, Spencer. We’ve all imagined doing it with a delivery boy. I am questioning whether we should be paying for the pizza. It’s starting to add up.
Spencer: We’re running a male prostitution ring, Julie. Pizza’s the cost of business.
Bullitt: Julie, meet my buddy Frank. He’s going to put your books in order.
Julie: Didn’t I say no to this?
Bullitt: Oh yes you did. But a little birdie told me to ignore you so that’s what I’m doing.
Julie: Gordon—
Bullitt: Is no longer willing to negotiate. Now let’s let Frank do his thing. Meantime let’s get you out of that pilgrim outfit and into a ball gown.
Julie: I’m not trading sex for silence, Frank. I may be a madame but I’m not a whore.
Frank: Good to know. But that’s not why I brought you here.
Julie: It’s not?
Frank: Sit down.
Julie: So why did you bring me here?
Frank: For information.
Julie: Information about what?
Frank: About the Cohen family.
Julie: Why?
Frank: Because I’m not who I say I am.
Julie: And who are you?
Frank: I’m Ryan’s father.
The My Two Dads
Summer: Oh! My brisket is burning.
Julie: I like it chewy.
Summer: Julie, I really appreciate you helping me by filling in for Rabbi Gutterman. But this just is not working.
Julie: Right. And whenever you want to let me know what “this” is, I’m all ears. As much as I’ve enjoyed learning the Hebrew alphabet with you.
Summer: This is a ridiculous sham. Not that I don’t look forward to one day becoming Jewish.
Julie: Did Seth dare you to do this?
Summer: Um, in a way, yes. We’re engaged.
Julie: Oh.
Julie: And now you don’t want to call it off because you’ll hurt his feelings. Summer shakes her head. Or ’cause if you do he’ll get the upper hand.
Summer: Exactly.
Julie: Now we’re talking my kind of dating game.
Summer: Manipulating the opposite sex. God, Julie! Why didn’t I come to you earlier?
Julie: Thank you, Summer. Look, if you want to take him down you have to kick it up a notch. It’s called chutzpah.
Summer: I think it’s “chutz”. Chutzpah.
Julie: Chutzpah.
Summer: Chutz-
Julie: Chutz-
Summer: Never mind. What are you thinking?
Julie: You get caught lying about cancer, you’re gonna get punched. Those are the rules.
Frank: Yeah, I just wanted time with the kid. I think I would have said or done anything.
Julie: I understand, believe me.
Frank: This outta keep things straight with Gordon. I think you’ll find these books are cooked so you can hide as much as you make.
Julie: Ah. The prostitution ring. No. After you busted me on New Years I made a resolution to quit. It’s hard out there for a pimp.
The French Connection
Kaitlin: What are you doing anyway?
Julie: My cell phone wasn’t at the office.
Kaitlin: So you think it’s in the frying pans.
Julie: I checked everywhere else and I just really need it, okay?
Kaitlin: Okay. {Julie checks the toaster}.
The Dream Lover
Kirsten: New Match.
Julie: Hi Kiki. Don’t hang up.
Kirsten: You turn our business into a prostitution ring and you get hung up on. Company policy. {she hangs up}.
Julie: How about a compromise?
Kirsten: I’m listening.
Julie: We do it together.
Kirsten: I’m not facing those women.
Julie: I’ll do the talking, you drive.
Kirsten: And how come you can’t drive?
Julie: Oh! I’m sorry. Do you want to do the talking? It was our company. You’re liable.
Kirsten: I’ll pick you up in the morning.
Kirsten: You had to do one thing.
Julie: I choked. I’m sorry. I promise, the next person I really will tell. Or we could get our nails done.
Julie: Kirsten, I’m sorry. It was the only way I could think to get you to spend the day with me.
Kirsten: So you told all those women they have chlamydia when they don’t?
Julie: They might. They did have sex with male hookers. Plus I picked the five meanest women in Newport.
Kirsten: What is wrong with you?
Julie: I was desperate. I missed you. I hate not having you in my life, Kirsten. I can live without you as my business partner, but not without you as my friend.
Kirsten: You are going to call all those woman tomorrow and you are going to tell them the truth.
Julie: Okay. But not Linda. Please let Linda think she has an STD.
Kirsten: That is not only unethical, it is just plain mean.
Julie: I disagree. Do you want to debate about it over dinner? You know you missed me, c’mon. Say it. Kirsten.
Julie: Oh god, we gotta change the locks.
The Groundhog Day
Julie: You were emailing him and pretending to be me?
Kaitlin: I just know you don’t deal well with long-distance relationships. I thought you might regret it.
Julie: Really? That’s the reason? It has nothing to do with you being sick of eating frozen dinners.
Kaitlin: What, and your saying no has nothing to do with the fact you’re seeing a mystery man?
Julie: There is more to relationships than just money.
Kaitlin: I don’t care for The Bullitt just because he’s a billionaire. {Julie eyes her.} Maybe I care a little bit.
The Case of the Franks
Bullitt: Here we are, practically man and wife, and we still haven’t sealed the deal.
Julie: I guess I’m just old-fashioned that way.
Bullitt: Well if I do say so myself you’re in for quite a treat.
Julie: Can we not talk about it?
Bullitt: Well I can sum it up in one word—
Julie: Don’t.
Bullitt: Bang.
Taylor: I saw your face last night. You, Julie Cooper, have a case of the Franks.
Julie: Okay. I do— I did. Or, one time or another, may have had a case of the Franks. But for reasons that are both personal and complex I’m staying with Bullitt.
Taylor: Julie. You’re different now. You are no longer the woman who can marry for money. You need more.
Julie: Taylor, I have a child, I have no job. I don’t even own this house. Besides I don’t think Ryan would approve. God knows I’ve put that kid through enough.
Taylor: Julie, Ryan’s only concern is for you. He doesn’t think his dad’s good enough for you.
Julie: Ryan Atwood is worried about me? How ’bout that.
Julie: Ryan, I just wanted you to know that I’ve been with my fair share of bad guys and—for the record—your dad isn’t one of them.
Kaitlin: How did you find us?
Julie: Taylor activated the GPS on your phone. to Julie Can I talk to you?
Kaitlin: Damn GPS. I should have thought of that.
Julie: What are you guys, KGB? What’s going on?
Julie: Tell your dad that, in another life I’d be there. I’m sorry.
Julie: Frank, I’m sorry. I have one daughter left. And she loves Bullitt. Even if I don’t.
Julie: I’m having the strangest craving for a corn dog.
Frank: There may be one left.
The Shake-up
Frank: Julie, it’s alright.
Julie: No, Frank. It’s not. My daughter is trying to sabotage this relationship. And where did she get her hands on clown porn?
Julie: I’ve tried to be understanding. I’m sorry if Frank isn’t as hilarious as Bullitt was .
Kaitlin: It’s not even about that!
Julie: Then what is it? Is it the money?
Kaitlin: Mom, look at us. In the past year we’ve lost Dad, we’ve lost Marissa. We had Dr. Roberts and we lost him. And then we got The Bullitt, lost him. What makes you think that this guy is going to stick around any longer?
Julie: Kaitlin, am I crazy or did you say that it was okay for me to date Frank?
Kaitlin: Yes, to date him. But it’s been a week and he’s practically living in our house. Like he’s family! He is not family. You and I are. I mean why can’t we just act like that for a little while?
Kaitlin: Wait, Ryan. As your sister, if you don’t tell Taylor that you love her, you’re an idiot.
Julie: She’s right.
The Night Moves
Kaitlin: Look, I understand why you keep on calling Summer and the Cohens, but why Frank? I mean weren’t you guys supposed to take it down a notch?
Julie: Kaitlin, just because we’re pulling things back a little bit doesn’t mean that we’ve stopped caring about each other.
Julie: I’m thinking the roof. Or… where the roof used to be. Ice Cream Guy, you got a ladder?
Gary: You can’t climb up there.
Julie: I’m not going to. You are.
Julie: I used to sing that to Kaitlin when she was little. And scared.
Gary: Isn’t that kinda inappropriate? I mean, given the sexual content of the lyrics?
Kaitlin: Well, it was the only song she knew all the words to.
Julie: That and Pour Some Sugar on Me.
Kaitlin: I’m sorry for posting your mugshot up in the ladies’ room at Taylor’s birthday.
Frank: It showed a lot of creativity.
Julie: Speaking of creativity, Kaitlin. Clown porn?
Frank: I’m not going to ask where that came from.
Kaitlin: I found it in Dr. Roberts’ study. You guys will believe absolutely anything.
The End’s Not Near, It’s Here
Six months later…
Ryan: We’ve all had to make adjustments since the earthquake.
Kirsten: Especially Kaitlin. [With] the entire Cohen family taking refuge here.
Kaitlin: It’s been nice. I mean, I’ve perfected my Sandy Cohen. Listen to this: “I shmeared it for ya.”
Sandy: Well, you know… not bad. I am very sexy.
Julie walking in: Baby, stop mimicking Sandy.
Sandy: Julie! Crepe? I am too nauseous to eat. Morning sickness? Or wedding jitters. Who can tell.
Kaitlin: Well your fiancé is certainly excited about the nuptials.
Julie: Yeah, he’s become a broken record. He keeps saying—
Bullitt: Bang!
Kaitlin: I mean I love Bullitt, but one’s kind of enough, you know.
Julie: You’re telling me.
Kaitlin: What are you talking about? You’re about to spawn off the latest.
Julie: Maybe he won’t be all that Bullitt-esque.
Kaitlin: Don’t count on it. He’s probably going to come out with a cowboy hat and tell the doctor, “bang.”
Julie: Or a wife beater.
Summer: Do you think that Seth and I are making a mistake? Living together after the earthquake and then getting an apartment together next year in Providence?
Julie: Um, well, you know I got married so young that I never had a chance to find out who I was or what I cared about. I mean, I never went to college or learned any real skills. And now here I am, twenty years later. Still knocked up on my wedding day. Summer, you’re a great girl. And the world deserves to know you. You deserve it too. Don’t settle for comfortable.
Julie: I can’t get married without Kiki. She’s my best friend. I’m sorry, but I’m not doing it without her.
Cut to Berkeley and the entire wedding outside of Patrick & Todd’s
Patrick & Todd: Oh my god.
Bullitt: One of you two wouldn’t happen to be a wedding planner, would you?
Todd: Actually.
Kaitlin: Our kitchen is going to be so empty.
Julie: I know. I was kind of getting used to becoming a Cohen.
Kaitlin: My Sandy impression was killer.
Julie: We’ll figure it out.
Kaitlin: We’re Coopers.