The End of Innocence
Mr. Frankel: Caleb Nichol was a very generous man who loved his family very much.
Julie: Sandy gave a very nice eulogy at the funeral so let’s just skip the niceties, okay?
Mr. Frankel: Well Caleb’s wish was to split his fortune equally between his daughters and his wife.
Jimmy: Wow. That’s, that’s very generous.
Julie: I’m getting the same as Kirsten?
Mr. Frankel: As I said, that was Caleb’s intention.
Julie: And that’s all that matters, right?
Kirsten: What is it, Mr. Frankel?
Mr. Frankel: After careful scrutiny of his account, it’s become clear that Caleb Nichol was broke.
Kirsten: I should never have come today. Charlotte told me this would happen.
Sandy: What? What’s happened?
Kirsten: This letter, Sandy. What do you think this is?
Sandy: Well I don’t know. let’s open it together. We’ll find out.
Kirsten: He wrote this after our fight. After I told him he was going to die alone.
Kirsten: I’m home.
Kirsten: It’s an apology. Oh my dad. Of course he’d have to be dead to say nice things.
The Last Waltz
Kirsten: Dr. [Butcher] said I should confront my fears. And mine is my cooking.
Sandy: So’s mine.
Kirsten: Well, we’ll confront my cooking together.
Kirsten about the Newport Group: It’s time to let it go.
Sandy: I’ll handle everything.
The Perfect Storm
Kirsten to the boys: Sit. You are having eggs benedict Gruyere avec paté de foie.
Sandy: Something smells… fancy.
Kirsten: You know you’re going to be exposed to a lot of new things in college next year.
Seth: Yeah, horny co-eds and alcohol poisoning. I just don’t think they’re gonna have French fusion on the menu.
Kirsten: Oh Julie. It’s a really good investment. And if you need help with the down payment—
Julie about the condos: I’m not destitute, Kirsten. I’m discerning.
Kirsten: So you want to, what? Throw him a going away dinner?
Sandy: That’s not a bad idea.
Marissa: Wait, where’s he going?
Sandy: Well you’ve beaten the Sandy Cohen mind meld. I was hoping if we gave you the space you’s need you’d realize that this was not the answer to your problems.
Ryan: Maybe my problem doesn’t have an answer.
Kirsten: Sure it does, Ryan. If you keep out of trouble until you graduate at the very least you’ll end up at a good community colllege.
Sandy: Yeah, you post a couple of semesters of good work, you can transfer to a four-year school.
Ryan: Yeah. When you come from my family it’s not so easy.
Sandy: We’re your family now.
Ryan: I may not be an Atwood anymore, but I’m not a Cohen either. I don’t know what I am.
Kirsten: So you’re going to figure it out lost at sea?
Ryan: Lost at sea, lost on land. What’s the difference, right?
The Swells
Charlotte: Sounds like a wonderful cause.
Julie: So you’ll help us throw it?
Kirsten: Actually I told myself I’d wait awhile until I jump back into all that. You know those Newpsies. Make you want to drink.
Kirsten: I thought you loathed corporate America.
Sandy: Oh I do. I loathe it all. The greed, Republicans, navy suits.
The Anger Management
Kirsten: We should take out half these tables so we have more flow.
Julie: We should also talk to them about the music. The last event I did here they had us on the Kenny G loop.
Kirsten: Julie, I really want to thank you.
Julie: For what?
Kirsten: Making me do this. I wasn’t sure that I was ready, but having your support? I just wish my dad could see us. He’d be so proud.
Sandy: I fired four people today. I’m not sure I’m cut out for this job.
Kirsten: I’m glad you’re upset.
Sandy: Good pep talk!
Kirsten: It means you care.
Sandy: I forget. You are your father’s daughter.
Kirsten: No. I’m your wife.
Sandy: Good answer.
The Game Plan
Kirsten: Sandy, I’m going crazy.
Sandy: What?
Kirsten: It’s the sifting, the kneading, the measuring. I can’t take it anymore. I need to get out of the kitchen.
Julie: Kirsten, I don’t need your charity.
Kirsten: Then why are you living in a trailer? I’m sorry. I followed you yesterday.
Julie: Well, then I certainly hope you’re opening a detective agency.
Paul Glass: So anyway, it was Halloween. And I set Sandy up with a roommate of this girl I was dating.
Sandy: And I didn’t have a costume so when I went over to pick her up I put a bag over my head.
Kirsten: I felt like I was dating the Elephant Man.
The Disconnect
Kirsten: Who wants to see their maids nude?
Julie: Not maids, Kirsten. They’re strippers.
Kirsten: Who wants a stripper doing their laundry?
Julie: Sandy, I don’t think I’m in favor of low income housing.
Kirsten: Julie, you live in a trailer park.
Julie: And I’m highly motivated to change my circumstances. If you make being poor too comfortable, what’s the incentive to get rich? Believe me, if anyone should know.
Sandy: On that uplifting note, I’ll leave you two to hash out the finer points of the free market economy.
Kirsten: Do you and your guests want dinner in the dining room, or— oh, the terrace would be nice.
Jeff: Well, let me ask my guest. to Julie Dining room or terrace?
Julie: Excuse me?
Jeff: I haven’t invited anyone. I was hoping, Julie, that you might join me for dinner.
Kirsten: Mr. [], if this is a joke it’s not funny. I spent two days cooking and Julie bought a Flower Mart.
Jeff: One dinner, please. I’ll pay what I promised. I just want the chance to get to know you better.
Kirsten: Julie, we’re leaving.
Julie: You did all this for a date with me?
Kirsten: Fine. But you’re serving yourselves.
Julie: Hungry?
Jeff: Nope.
Julie: You know what I’m really craving? Sweet corn ravioli. Or do you think that will be too heavy with the crab cakes?
Kirsten: What I think is that you don’t find this business very interesting.
Julie: I’m sorry, Kiki. I’ve just been eating a lot of Ramen lately.
Kirsten: Julie, if this business works, you’ll never have to boil your dinner again.
Kirsten: How was your date?
Julie: Oh, it was awful. We totally didn’t click, we had nothing to talk about, his tongue was like sandpaper.
Kirsten: I’m sorry to hear that.
Julie: I’m sorry, I never should have stayed. It was so unprofessional of me. You made all that food for nothing.
Kirsten: Well, it wasn’t for nothing. We got paid. In a way, our first venture was a success.
Julie: Yeah, I guess so. How weird is it that a guy would spend that much money just to have dinner with a woman.
Kirsten: Julie, I have an idea for a new business.
Julie: Oh my god! A high class call girl operation. I love it!
Kirsten: No. A high end dating service.
Julie: Oh! That could work too.
Seth: I’m sorry I’ve been such an ass, okay. It’s just, you’re superior to me in so many ways. You’re better looking, you’re more popular, you’re stronger… and not just emotionally.
Summer: Cohen, I’ll always look up to you. And not just because you’re taller than me.
The Chrismukkah Bar Mitzvahkkah
Kirsten: I came to see how you were.
Julie: I’m great. Some of the neighbors are having a cock fight in an hour using stray dogs. It’s a holiday tradition. My money’s on the feisty Weimaraner.
Kirsten: Good. ‘Cause I’m awful.
Julie: I’m spitting Skol into a can, drinking wine from a bottle I unscrewed, and living in a home that—if I wanted to—I could put in reverse. I’m beyond awful.
Sandy: What did I tell ya!
Kirsten: Best. Chrismukkah. Ever.
The Sister Act
Kirsten: Veronica. What are you doing here?
Veronica: Hello, Kirsten. I hear you and Julie are starting a new dating service. I want you to set me up with the delicious Dr. Neil Roberts.
Kirsten: The father of Marissa’s best friend? The girl you called “Little Miss Columbine” at last week’s board meeting?
Sandy: Kaitlin Cooper? It must be two years since she’s been back.
Kirsten: Did she mention why she’s home in the middle of a semester?
Ryan: We never really got past where home was.
Sandy: Oh, Julie wants us to wait till she gets here before we tell Kaitlin.
Seth: That her family’s a prime candidate for Pimp My Double-Wide.
Julie: Tonight we launch Newport’s first exclusive dating service: New Match. Because whether you’re gay, straight, single, divorced, nearly-divorced. In a world of wealth and luxury, the only thing really worth pursuing is a soul mate.
Kirsten: So drink up, enjoy, and flirt.
Kirsten: Sandy, there you are. I have to talk to you about Veronica Townsend and… you-know-who.
Seth: Now we have a quorum.
Sandy: What happened?
Kirsten: There are factors of which I was not aware when I had you set them up.
Seth: Wait. You set them up?
Kirsten: Veronica wanted to go on a date with Summer’s dad. And she threatened to make Marissa’s life hell if we didn’t set them up. Neil agreed as a favor.
Sandy: Look, Neil’s a smart guy. If he wants to go on a second date with her maybe he sees something in her that we don’t.
Summer: Huh?
Seth: What the hockey?
Kirsten: No no no.
Sandy: No. Okay. Okay, fine. But we have to make sure that she’s the one who ends it. If Neil starts to pull away, she might take it out on Marissa.
Seth: Genital warts. Is the answer.
The Pot Stirrer
Julie about Neil: Yes, he is a gentleman.
Kirsten: Is he?
Julie: Kirsten, please. We’ve hardly had a real date. We haven’t even kissed.
Kirsten: But he offered his house for Kaitlin’s birthday. I’d say that’s a good sign.
Julie: It is a beautiful house. Although I was thinking you could change out the marble in the entrance hall. And some of the furniture—
Kirsten: Julie. Since you haven’t kissed yet you might want to hold off on the redecorating.
The Cliff Hanger
Julie: I know you’ve been married for, like, 200 years, but you must remember something about dating.
Kirsten: Well I hope so or I’m in the wrong business.
Julie: I’m impressed. You’re sneakier than I thought, Kirsten Cohen.
Kirsten: Well, being around you all these years, it’s rubbed off.
Julie: It’s my own fault. I let you do the scheming. Clearly not your wheelhouse. From now on if someone needs to be manipulated we put me in charge.
Kirsten: Fair enough. Laura Cross. I don’t know her.
Julie: Well, she’ll probably marry him, and enjoy a life of free brow lifts. Anyway, I am going to get to know her and find out what I’m up against.
Kirsten: Don’t tell me you’re going to spy on her.
Julie: I tried taking your advice, KiKi. And quite frankly, it sucked. From now on we do things the Julie Cooper way.
Kirsten: Julie Cooper, be careful.
The Heavy Lifting
Kirsten: Julie, last time you went on a stealth mission, you toppled the dessert tray.
Julie: Yeah, but it did get his attention.
The Road Warrior
Kirsten: Maybe you two should stop sneaking around and go public.
Julie: I don’t disagree. And neither does my chiropractor.
Summer: My dad has disastrous taste in women. If I don’t step in he’ll wind up with the first money-grubbing slutbag that gets into the backseat of his Mazerati.
Kirsten: Julie, would you like to take this?
Summer: My dad has disastrous taste in women. If I don’t step in he’ll wind up with the first money-grubbing slutbag that gets into the backseat of his Mazerati.
Kirsten: Julie, would you like to take this?
The Journey
Kirsten: Ryan, I forgot to ask. Do you have any request for your birthday on Sunday?
Seth: Sunday’s your birthday?
Ryan: Thanks buddy.
Sandy: Not just any birthday. Ryan’s turning 18. Becoming a fully-franchised citizen of this great democratic experiment we call America.
Seth: Yes, we all know you went to law school. The important thing is we need a party.
The Undertow
Kirsten: Girl problems?
Ryan: Safe bet usually, but actually this is more complicated.
Kirsten: Is it that girl Jessica?
Ryan: Yeah. And my brother. Just trying to prevent another casualty of Trey.
Kirsten: So you’re trying to save this girl?
Ryan: That’s the thing I do.
Kirsten: Look, we love Marissa, she’s family, and, she means a lot to us but she’s been through so much. And you got pulled into that.
Ryan: Yeah, well, some of that was my fault. But you’re right. I can’t argue with you.
Kirsten: You should never argue with a woman who’s here to discuss women. Have we mentioned that we love Sadie? She’s smart and she’s grounded.
Ryan: And I am trying, trying not to screw it up.
Kirsten: Just because a girl isn’t tied to some train tracks, doesn’t mean she should be ignored.
The Secrets and Lies
Kirsten: Hey handsome men!
Seth and Sandy: Where?
Seth: Ah, I just made the same joke as my dad. That’s a bad sign.
Sandy: Your father happens to be hilarious. It’s just hard to tell these days.
Summer banging outside the door: Coop! It’s me. Your best friend. You know, the one you tell everything to.
Volchok: Damn. My head.
Marissa: What time is it?
Summer: I know it’s tough being in there. My voice travels.
Marissa: Um. Okay, you’ve gotta hide.
Volchok: What? You live in a trailer.
Summer: Coop!
Marissa: I’m coming, Sum. handing Volchok bottles Dump these. And this. Go!
Summer: Coop! My hand doesn’t remotely hurt. Coop!
Marissa: Hey.
Summer: Hi. Looking good, Coop. Very Kate Moss pre-Vanity Fair cover. Whatcha doin’?
Marissa: Uh. You know. Nothin’.
Summer: Hm. Did you have a good time last night?
Marissa: Yeah.
Summer: Synapses are really firing, huh?
Marissa: I think I have a bit of a head cold.
Summer: Well, as long as you don’t have any other infectious diseases.
Marissa: What?
Summer: Hm?
Summer: Volchok is Atwood’s kryptonite. He’ll totally Hulk out.
Seth: You’re mixing comic book metaphors. But you think we can keep Marissa quiet?
Summer: Marissa? She can barely put two words together these days.
Seth: She’s usually such a wordsmith.
Summer: What does she see in that guy? He’s so dirty and greasy.
Seth: He’s got good abs. Women like abs. I got a six-pack myself. I know.
Summer: Cohen, those are your ribs.
Seth: Oh.
Seth: I guess I ruined the mood, huh?
Ryan: Just a lot.
Matt: You think thing’s have been complicated? You haven’t seen anything yet. Boss.
Julie: Vominos, por favor.
Housekeeper: I’m from the Phillipines.
Summer: You may be Mrs. Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Roberts, but if you make my dad happy—
Neil: Which she does.
Julie: I do.
Summer: Then I’m happy.
Summer: You didn’t mention a word to Ryan?
Seth: Spoil his good mood? He practically skipped out of the kitchen.
Summer: Atwood skipping? Now there’s a disturbing and… odd visual.
Seth: Picture this one: Ryan dancing. It’s what this woman does to him. If you wanna keep the skip in his step we gotta keep Volchok off his radar.
Summer: Aw. about the video game You play. Volchok is Atwood’s kryptonite. He’ll totally Hulk out.
Seth: You’re mixing comic book metaphors. But you think we can keep Marissa quiet?
Summer: Marissa? She can barely put two words together these days.
Seth: She’s usually such a wordsmith.
Summer: What does she see in that guy? He’s so dirty and greasy.
Seth: He’s got good abs. Women like abs. I got a six-pack myself. I know.
Summer: Cohen, those are your ribs.
Seth: Oh.
Summer: We have a major problem. Marissa just bailed on our parents’ engagement party to skank out with the surf Nazi.
Seth: Your dad and Julie got engaged? You kind of buried the lede there, Summer.
Summer: We’ve got bigger fish here, Cohen. Marissa is on a slut spiral and we need to stop her.
Ryan to Volchok: Just so you know, I’m not looking after her anymore. It’s on you now.
Neil: Hey. You okay?
Julie: Please, I just— I can’t do this right now.
Neil: Do what?
Julie: Sit here and be tested as wife/mother material while I’m worried about my daughter’s future. I get it, okay? It’s not what you expected. I failed. Fine. But right now I need to think about Marissa.
Neil: Julie, I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you were being tested. I— I was wrong. And you’ve hardly failed. I think Marissa is very lucky to have you as her mom.
Summer: Hey, guys. We’re going to the party.
Marissa: Bye Mom, bye Dr. Roberts.
Neil: See what I mean.
Summer: The slut is still spiraling. I thought you talked to Ryan.
Julie: Actually Summer, the only thing I’m worried about is my daughter.
Summer: Yeah, me too.
Seth: When did this door get a lock on it?
The Day After Tomorrow
Seth: All this time I thought getting into college would make things so much easier.
Ryan: Yeah. Not gonna happen.
Seth: There’s a cold front coming through.
Ryan: So with a 90-day escrow, that means you’ll be in town for…
Sadie: 90 more days, Einstein.
Ryan: Right. That makes sense.
Sadie: Hey do you think it’s gonna be weird that I’m not wearing a sweatshirt?
Ryan: No. You’ll be fine.
Julie: Listen, Summer. How worried do I need to be about her?
Summer: I don’t know. She’s not exactly confiding in me right now.
Matt: Look I like Sandy. But you gotta get him to quit this. Because pretty soon it’s gonna be too late.
Seth: No more hugging, though. Physical contact freaks me out.
Taylor: Have you spoken to Marissa lately?
Summer: Well, if you count “Pass the milk” and “Don’t be so skanky,”—
Summer about Seth: When you see him, will you give him this. tugs violently on Ryan’s hair
Ryan: Hey, man. Summer was looking for you. I invited her for tonight.
Seth: Cool. Good.
Ryan: Everything okay?
Seth: Yeah. No. It’s just that if she sees me she’ll dress me like a Timberland Barbie. Did you invite Sadie?
Ryan: I’m goin’ over to her place after school.
Seth: Did you tell her you got into Berkeley?
Ryan: No. It’s just kind of difficult. I mean we haven’t really been going out that long, but what do you do when only one of you is going to college?
Seth: Man I wish I knew.
Summer: I can’t believe Ryan and Sadie are moving to Berkeley together. I think that’s so romantic.
Seth: I don’t know what Ryan’s thinking.
Summer: What are you talking about?
Seth: Well he’s 18. I just think college should come first.
Summer: Not if you’re with the one you think you should be with. That you’ll forever be with.
Seth: Who really knows that at 18?
Summer: I do. long silence Oh my god. You don’t.
Seth: Did you talk to the parents yet?
Ryan: You know what? In hindsight, breaking the Sadie news to them that way? Probably not a good plan.
Seth: Well at least my dad didn’t have an actual heart attack at the table. So that’s a plus.
Ryan: Seth, uh, I gotta ask. Did you really get into Brown?
Seth: Did I get into—? Ryan, now who’s smoking pot. Listen to me: the only class that I’ve ever gotten less than an A in is gym. My essay on the loneliness of being Superman made Mrs. Rushfield cry. So of course I… augh, how could I not get in?
Ryan: Why are you lying about it?
Seth: For Summer.
Ryan: Well, don’t you think she’s going to notice when you’re not there first semester?
Seth: She said that if I didn’t get in and she did, she wouldn’t go to Brown. I’m not gonna let her do that. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime.
Ryan: Well I think that’s up to her. Sorry man, I think you gotta tell her the truth.
Summer: I can’t believe Ryan and Sadie are moving to Berkeley together. I think that’s so romantic.
Seth: I don’t know what Ryan’s thinking.
Summer: What are you talking about?
Seth: Well he’s 18. I just think college should come first.
Summer: Not if you’re with the one you think you should be with. That you’ll forever be with.
Seth: Who really knows that at 18?
Summer: I do. long silence Oh my god. You don’t.
Seth: Hey. Thanks, man.
Ryan: Sure.
Seth: Did you talk to the parents yet?
Ryan: You know what? In hindsight, breaking the Sadie news to them that way? Probably not a good plan.
Seth: Well at least my dad didn’t have an actual heart attack at the table. So that’s a plus.
Ryan: That’s true. Anything happen after I left?
Seth: Summer and I got into a soul-crushing fight about Brown.
Ryan: Mm. I’m sorry. Did you talk to her?
Seth: No. But even if I did and she forgave me, it’s like, then what? You know? It’s just— I don’t know. It’s complicated.
Ryan: Seth, uh, I gotta ask. Did you really get into Brown?
Seth: Did I get into—? Ryan, now who’s smoking pot. Listen to me: the only class that I’ve ever gotten less than an A in is gym. My essay on the loneliness of being Superman made Mrs. Rushfield cry. So of course I… augh, how could I not get in?
Ryan: Why are you lying about it?
Seth: For Summer.
Ryan: Well, don’t you think she’s going to notice when you’re not there first semester?
Seth: She said that if I didn’t get in and she did, she wouldn’t go to Brown. I’m not gonna let her do that. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime.
Ryan: Well I think that’s up to her. Sorry man, I think you gotta tell her the truth.
Taylor: Summer, getting a man is like capturing a wily silverback gorilla in the Ugandan highlands. You see, nature is telling that gorilla to stay in the wild. But you and I know that that gorilla would be much happier back in the zoo on a normal feeding schedule. But sometimes he’s just got to roar and beat his chest before you shoot him with a tranq dart.
Summer: So what you’re saying is he’s trying to exert his gorilla independence.
Taylor: Exactly.
Ryan: I feel more myself with you than anyone.
Sadie: Those are some pretty big words, Mister.
Ryan: Well I am going to Berkeley.
Marissa: Hey. Where have you been?
Summer: I had to help Taylor set up the bonfire. That girl can handle a chainsaw.
Summer: Remember when the boys made us watch that movie about the gay guys on the mountain?
Marissa: Lord of the Rings.
Summer: Yeah. And remember that Gollum guy, how he got evil and more evil the closer he got to that firey thing? That’s kind of how Seth is about Brown.
Summer: I forgive you. But you have to come with me to the sweatshirt party as penance.
Neil: Hey. You okay?
Julie: Please, I just— I can’t do this right now.
Neil: Do what?
Julie: Sit here and be tested as wife/mother material while I’m worried about my daughter’s future. I get it, okay? It’s not what you expected. I failed. Fine. But right now I need to think about Marissa.
Neil: Julie, I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you were being tested. I— I was wrong. And you’ve hardly failed. I think Marissa is very lucky to have you as her mom.
Summer: Hey, guys. We’re going to the party.
Marissa: Bye Mom, bye Dr. Roberts.
Neil: See what I mean.
Taylor: Hi. I’m Taylor. I used to be like total enemies with those guys but I’m pretty much second circle core now.
The Dawn Patrol
Julie: Keep that grimey paw away from me. Unless you wanna see what ten years of cardiobar can do to your face.
Ryan: Still lying to everybody about everything?
Seth: I’m trying to talk as little as possible.
Kirsten: Well whatever happens, you have at least one proud mother watching you when you graduate.
Ryan: Thanks.
Teacher: You do an impression of me, Mr. Cohen?
Seth: Ah. No, no, I don’t do any impressions. I don’t, um, use props, I don’t like jokes in general.
Teacher: Well, why don’t you work on some one-liners in Dr. Kim’s office.
Taylor: Hey, Sum. If it makes you feel any better, I just saw Seth and he looks as miserable as you do.
Summer: The only thing that would make me feel better would be seeing that ass-less, gut-less wuss skinned, flayed and served as ass-less, gut-less wuss tartar.
Taylor: That’s very descriptive, Summer.
Summer after unbreaking up with Seth: It’s good to have you back, babe.
Summer: No way. No scheming, no plan Bs, no wacky hijinks? Cohen broke up with me. Only he has the power to unbreak us up. There’s no way I’m gonna go groveling back to him like some pathetic brokenhearted little bitch.
Taylor: Do you still love him?
Summer: Yeah. There’s something wrong with me, huh?
Taylor: Did he say that he doesn’t love you?
Summer: Now that you mention it, no. He did not.
Taylor: You see, he’s acting out of fear. He’s trapped in an anxiety spiral. And in the rock, paper, scissors of romance, love trumps fear. Actually love trumps everything.
Julie: Listen up, Tommy Lee. You’re just the latest in a series of experiments my daughter likes to make when acting out. So enjoy it. Because right here, right now is as good as it gets for you. Soon Marissa’s gonna wake up and realize she is so much better than you and your life.
Volchok: You think she’s gonna come running back to you.
Julie: Marissa knows that I will be there for her whenever she decides to come home because I am her family. Not some punk with a smirk, three brain cells, and a good coke connection. You tell her that.
Ryan: I’m looking for someone. Dawn Atwood.
Chloe: Her shift doesn’t start for a couple of hours. Who should I say is looking for her?
Ryan: A friend. I’m staying at La Crescenta.
Chloe: Nice hotel. Dawn doesn’t really have any friends that stay at nice hotels.
Ryan: I got a good rate.
Chloe: She does however have a son. Lives with some pretty wealthy people. Who’s supposed to be cute.
Ryan: This is not what I expected.
Chloe: Yeah? Well maybe it’s what you need.
Heather: So, the princess fell off her throne and landed on Volchok’s mattress.
Marissa: Hey Heather. It’s good to see you too.
Heather: Who said it was good to see you?
Dawn: You don’t have to lie to me, Ryan. And you don’t have to worry about me embarassing you at your graduation.
Ryan: Mom—
Dawn: You know what, I may not have been the best mother in the world, but I have never been ashamed of my family.
Ryan: Look, you don’t know her the way I do.
Chloe: Never said I did.
Ryan: It’s been the same thing my whole life. Gets clean for a little while, promises she’s changed, then she meets some low-life, he moves in with her, and she bottoms out.
Chloe: How many of these low-lives did she meet in rehab? Hasn’t had a drink in twelve years, pays for their apartment, even fixed up one of his old cars for her.
Ryan: I didn’t know that.
Chloe: Didn’t want to. Maybe you already made your mind up about him. And about your mom, too.
Dawn about the photos and yearbook: Kirsten sent those. Don’t worry. My eyes are red from cryin’, not from drinkin’.
Chloe: I’m sorry.
Ryan: It’s okay. Your little family intervention seems to have worked.
Chloe: Oh. Then I’m not sorry. For anything that may have happened.
Ryan: Me neither.
Seth to Captain Oats: You didn’t get into Brown too, did you?
Seth: I don’t love you anymore.
Taylor: Want me to whip up another round of Frappucinos? They say chocolate and sugar send endorphins to your brain. Come on, tell me you feel better.
Summer: He doesn’t love me. rests her head on Taylor’s shoulder. Aw!
Seth: Gonna be a long night, Ryan. A lot of whining, a lot of pining, ah, maybe some brainstorming, you don’t mind?
Ryan: It’s good to be home. Alright, how are we going to get your Summer back?
Seth: Plan A: I fake my own death. You never wanna underestimate the power of the sympathy vote.
Ryan: Is there a plan B?
Seth: Yeah yeah. Uh, I could hack in through the Brown firewall into the Admission’s office mainframe and reverse my acceptance.
Ryan: That’s actually a good idea. You know how to do that?
Seth: I had an uncle that went to DeVry.
The College Try
Summer: What am I thinking? Kids at Brown don’t wear sparkly scarves. Maybe on the way to the airport I’ll stop and get some angry-looking piercing.
Summer: 48 hours ago, Coop, you were Newport’s Courtney Love.
Seth: You taking all that? You only own like, a wifebeater and two hoodies.
Ryan: So, um, you’re going to fly to Brown…
Seth: And then I will somehow get them to admit me. Yeah. I don’t have the, ah, details, okay? But Brown’s a spiritual place. I’ll go, I’ll get a vibe, you know, bump into the ghost of Old Man Brown. Or whoever they named the school after.
Ryan: I just don’t want to see you get deeper into this mess, okay?
Seth: Dude, you’re going to Berkeley with your ex-girlfriend.
Ryan goes to hug Seth
Seth: We can save the hug for later.
Ryan: Yeah, okay.
Julie: Marissa, honey, you know it’s not too late to go with you. I promise I won’t embarrass you. I can pretend to be part of your entourage. Or your Scientology guide.
Marissa: Mom, you don’t have to worry, okay?
Julie: Kids go crazy at college. You’ve seen Girls Gone Wild.
Marissa: Yeah, I lived it. Not the topless part.
Julie: Okay, did a priest just break in here and perform an exorcism?
Neil: I don’t know, but she’s definitely out of the woods.
Neil: Honey, I don’t get it. You throw all of these parties with the dating service.
Julie: Well, I have Kirsten then. She’s my wing woman.
Neil: So invite Kirsten. And Sandy. He can network with the doctors and she can… wing woman.
Student: I saw in your profile that you’re from Newport. Did you go to Harbor?
Ryan: Uh, yeah. You know it?
Student: Yeah. A few guys in my poli-sci club went there. Do you play water polo?
Ryan: No. You know what, actually I’m not really from Newport. I mean, I am. But up until the last two years I was living in Chino. I guess I figured I would get that out of the way.
Student: I think you’ll be okay.
Ryan: What do you mean?
Student: I got one roommate from Bangladesh. The other’s from Partridge, Kansas. Population 300. There’s no mold here. It’s pretty easy to fit in.
Ryan: I’m not used to that.
Ryan: Hey Seth.
Seth: Hey man. How’s Berkeley?
Ryan: It’s cold and wet and pretty cool. I can’t believe I’m actually on a college campus.
Seth: Ryan, I am touching ivy right now.
Ryan: What?
Seth: Real ivy. It grows on the buildings here. Those pictures in the brochure, they are not Photoshopped.
Ryan: I take it you’re in the middle of the quad right now?
Seth: Yeah. Dead center.
Ryan: Pretty stealth. I can’t imagine anyone actually seeing you there.
Seth: I know, I know, it’s a Summer hot zone. I just had to come and visit campus for a few minutes.
Ryan: And it’s perfect?
Seth: Man, it’s better than perfect. Seth Cohen has come home to roost.
Off Screen: Cohen!
Ryan: Who’s that?
Seth: I don’t know. I’m too afraid to turn around.
Seth: C’mon. You miss Newport.
Anna: Uh uh.
Seth: The sun, surf, the surgery.
Anna: They have not perfected the chin implant in Pittsburgh. But I am optimistic.
Seth: Mocking Newport with Anna Stern. That is one of my favorite pasttimes.
Anna: Mine too.
Anna: Why are you acting like a fugitive?
Seth: No no. I’m just trying to stay under the radar. You never know who’s going to be at these sorts of things.
Anna: Well focus. Have you thought about what you’re going to say to him?
Seth: Probably just gonna riff. We’re both dudes. Even though he’s got a bow tie and probably like nine PhDs, underneath I’m sure we’re… pretty much the same.
Brown Guy: The fact is, the US has been performing their own jihads for decades. Just instead of Allah, the killing is done in the name of oil.
Brown Girl: Totally.
Summer: You guys, what is a jihad?
Brown Guy: Exactly.
Brown Girl: Way to reframe the question, Summer.
Summer: Hm.
Julie: Ever since Caleb died, the only way I’ve been able to navigate through these Newpsie-infested waters is with you by my side.
Marissa: So, I know the whole “friendship” thing didn’t really work out in Newport, but—
Ryan: That was Newport, you know. Everything feels different here. I’m willing to try.
Marissa: Hm. Well I don’t know. You know, ’cause if I was in your circle of friends I might accidentally let it slip that you used to do musicals.
Ryan: I have enough dirt on you to last the next four years. So bring it on.
Marissa: That might be true.
Summer: So you are going to Brown you just… didn’t want to go with me.
Anna running up: How’d it go?
Summer: Anna.
Anna: Summer.
Seth: You’re probably really confused right about now.
Summer: No. Not at all. All of this, everything you’ve done up until now, finally makes sense.
Anna: Seth, it’s okay.
Seth: I’m sorry. I should have told you I was on a Summer Mission.
Anna: Yeah, well I should have known it. But I can’t be mad at you when you’re this pathetic.
Seth: Thank you.
Anna: Here’s a list of tomorrow’s pre-frosh activities. Try and figure out which one Summer might go to.
Seth: I don’t know. She’s never been much of a joiner. Maybe the walking tour. She likes cardio.
Tour Guy: Kumar? Your name is Kumar?
Seth: Yes. Kumar Zimmerman. I’m half-Indian, I’m half-Jewish. I am a HinJew.
Seth: Summer, you can’t just ignore me forever.
Summer: Oh yes I can. Don’t you remember middle school? I was really good at ignoring you. Now I’m just getting back in shape.
Sandy: You told him?
Kirsten: I didn’t think Ryan would come home.
Sandy: Oh, you know Ryan better than that.
Kirsten: It just happened. You weren’t there. You had to take a business call.
Sandy: Oh, so you told Ryan about Theresa to punish me.
Anna: Cohen.
Seth: Yeah?
Anna: Confidence, remember?
Brown Prof: Mr. Cohen, I was under the impression that you were an admitted student. That’s why I came to meet you.
Seth: I know. Will you please just listen to me, and if you still don’t want to let me in at least I’ll know I tried.
Brown Prof: Okay. You have one minute.
Seth: Then I’m gonna have to sort of, ah, condense this. Maybe make it more of a bullet point thing. Uh, mm… Grades, 3.8. Ah, SATs, 2250. That’s not perfect but I would say it’s respectable. I was president of the Comic Book Club. I ws also a member of the chess team, although I was extremely low-profile.
Brown Prof: Ten seconds.
Seth: Okay. Here’s the part about how I belong on the East Coast. And there’s a little joke about the weather here to keep it light. It’s pretty funny. And ah… I guess that’s about it.
Brown Prof: That was compelling. But you misled me and you wasted my time. And I trust you will show yourself off campus.
Kirsten: I’d like to propose a toast. To Sandy Cohen. Who has told me countless times over the past year how important this hospital is to him.
Julie to Neil: Ouch.
Kirsten: You know, they say that when you grow up you marry your father. I thought I’d escaped that.
The Party Favor
Ryan: Have you told her there’s nothing going on between you and Anna?
Seth: I’ve tried, but every time I get close she pulls her rape whistle.
Ryan: Well you know, I’m not going. So if you wanna hang out, rent a movie.
Seth: Ryan, I love you. But if I have to spend my senior prom playing video games with you, I’m gonna kill myself.
Seth: Now that the baby thing’s resolved, the pressure’s off. It’s perfect. Do it.
Ryan: But I mean she still has the baby, I can’t just, you know—
Seth: One night, they have these new crazy things called babysitters. I’m just saying, senior prom with your childhood sweetheart. You have to respect the romantic symmetry.
Ryan: You know what, I’ll think about it. And I appreciate you not bringing up the idea of Marissa and I going as friends.
Seth: No, I get it. It’s in the past. Plus, I assumed she’d be going with the surf Nazi anyway. Unless he’s selling crack to blind kids or— sees Volchok. Fondling some girl at the end of the pier. Ah, maybe that’s his cousin. His really… dirty cousin.
Summer to Seth: I haven’t spoken to you in four days. You think that pancakes are going to make me forget about you and Anna behind my back.
Summer: Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a desert island, I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer and then I would get your bones to the sharks.
Kirsten: When are we gonna talk about us?
Sandy: In public again, or were you thinking about something a little more private this time?
Kirsten: I’m sorry I attacked you. But it at least got you to listen.
Marissa: This is way better than any dance I ever designed.
Taylor: Marissa, that means so much to me. I’ve been saying that but no one listens.
Taylor: Do you know where Simon gets those skin-tight v-necks? I totally want to get one for Sung Ho.
Taylor: Oh, so just so you know, I thought it was only fair to take myself out of the running. So, no recounts.
Taylor: You were prom queen last year. You have to go.
Summer: Yeah, well, the queen is dead.
Taylor: I see. Well perhaps you’d like to hear who your date is.
Summer: What are you talking about?
Taylor: I got you a date.
Summer: Taylor—
Taylor: Quiet. Now you know how I’m going with Sun Ho.
Taylor: The guy from the Korean barbecue?
Summer: Oh yeah. We, like, totally found each other at the sweatshirt party. He’s got this wonderfully hairless body. It’s like hooking up with a seal.
Summer: I have to go.
Kirsten: Julie, last week at dinner I had a drink.
Julie: What? Oh my god.
Kirsten: Now it was the first in eleven months, it was only one glass, and I’ve been going to AA meetings every day. But it happened.
Julie: Have you talked to Sandy about this?
Kirsten: No. I tried before. I could feel it coming.
Julie: Kirsten, you have to tell him.
Kirsten: That the stress of our marriage has triggered my drinking?
Julie: Yes. That’s exactly what you say.
Kirsten: I am not going to use my alcoholism to save our marriage. If he can’t value it for what it is, then what is the point?
Julie: Then what are you going to do?
Kirsten: I don’t know.
Summer’s Voicemail: “Hey it’s Summer. Leave a message.”
Seth: Summer, hey. I just want to apologize for what happened in the girls bathroom today. I didn’t mean to follow you in. Or spook Mrs. Rushfield. I was just trying to explain that the idea of a romance between me and Anna is so insane that—
Anna: Hello Seth.
Seth: I gotta go.
Seth: Ah, there she is. Look at a true friend, Ryan. 2000 miles she flies.
Anna: In a middle seat.
Seth: All to make sure Summer and I go to the prom together. Tell me, would you do so much?
Ryan: Let’s not test it.
Anna: Well, guilt can be a powerful motivator.
Seth: I’d tell you again it’s not your fault except I want to hear this plan.
Marissa: So the baby?
Ryan: Really cute, but not mine.
Marissa: So do you think Kevin will like this?
Summer: Yeah, if it rips off easy.
Seth: Oh my god. You what this is? This is the pirate’s cave from Goonies. I’ve died and gone to heaven.
Taylor: Hello! Trash cans exist for a reason!
Summer: You know, just everyone, leave me alone.
Seth: She probably just needs a moist washcloth. Or maybe, like, a towelette.
Anna: Cohen.
Seth: What? What? Is there a no-towelette clause in your plan? ‘Cause right now I’m thinking that phase two kinda sucks. Does anyone have a towelette? Does anyone have a towelette?!?! We’ve gotta find a towelette!
Seth: Listen, I don’t expect you to respond or even remember this, but the truth is I actually didn’t get in to Brown.
Summer: What?! raises her head and thinks better of it. Way too fast.
Seth: I knew you weren’t going to go if I didn’t go, and I didn’t want you to do that. I didn’t want you to miss the opportunity so I broke up with you.
Summer: That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Seth: Yeah, well, then I realized I couldn’t be without you so I flew there to try and talk my way in.
Summer: Okay, now that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Ryan to Volchok: Look, I don’t have a problem with you drinking, but if you screw this up for Marissa
I’m gonna kick your ass.
Summer: I love you.
Seth: I love you too. We can kiss later. Summer throws up again Alright. Want me to hold your crown? Summer throws up again Hey! Rigatoni. Nice.
Seth: I don’t think I can do this.
Anna: Seth, the plan is working. I mean, it was easy for her to doubt you when you were all begging to get back together with her. But now that she might have really lost you? She’s thinking, “Maybe I should have really believed him”
Seth: Really? Because it looks like she’s describing how she’d use my body for food and feed my bones to the sharks.
Marissa: Clearly I was wrong about you.
Volchok: Finally. You’re learning.
Ryan: So you like the new me?
Theresa: Well, you’re still not much of a dancer.
Ryan: What!?!? jazz hands You’re right. I’m not.
Volchok: You probably think I’m an idiot, huh? Screw things up with Marissa. Steal money when everyone’s gonna know I took it.
Ryan: I don’t think about you. But yes, you’re an idiot.
The Man of the Year
Theresa: I don’t know what the Korean word for “threesome” is, but I’m pretty sure it was used.
Seth: Hey man. Today’s a good day for me, Ryan. I finally came clean and told the truth about not getting into Brown and things are great. Life is so much better when you’re honest. You just mean what you say, you say what you mean. I feel like you.
Ryan: Well, now that you’re on a roll, you gonna tell Sandy and Kirsten about Brown too?
Seth: Yeah. I don’t think so. I’m gonna wait a little bit on that one.
Kirsten: Responsible for development? Sandy, the only thing that’s responsible for is a lot of sleepless nights and Matt Ramsey’s black eye. You know my father was Man of the Year.
Sandy: The irony is not lost on me, believe me.
Kirsten: Why don’t you say good morning to Newport’s Man of the Year.
Seth: I knew it was only a matter of time before this town recognized my contribution to this community.
Ryan: You’d have to be a man first. Congratulations, Sandy.
Ryan: How’re you doing?
Volchok: Seven stitches, a couple broken ribs… I’ll live.
Ryan: I’m glad. I didn’t mean to— Well, not that bad, anyway.
Volchok: It’s not like I didn’t ask for it.
Ryan: Whatever you’re into. Drugs, guns…
Volchok: That’s none of your business.
Ryan: I know. And I don’t want it to be.
Annoying Chick: Shut up.
Kaitlin: You shut up.
Marissa: Okay, both of you shut up.
Marissa: Hey, Sum. How are you?
Summer: I wish I could pluck out my eyeballs with a fork and rinse them in a tall glass of ice water.
Marissa: Yeah, that’s a hangover.
Summer: Oh my god. Nausea tsunami!
Summer: Oh my god. Mr. C. you totally scared me.
Sandy: Sometimes I scare myself, Summer.
Summer: We just got back together. The window for a make-up hook-up is closing rapidly.
Summer: He told me that he wasn’t going to Brown. And then I saw him there with Anna.
Sandy: He said he wasn’t going to Brown?
Summer: Well yeah, because he didn’t get in. But that was before RISD.
Sandy: What do you mean, he didn’t get in?
Summer: I thought he only lied about it to me.
Seth: Are you decent? If I come in am I inviting years of therapy?
Sandy: I want to talk to you.
Seth: Good. I want to talk to you.
Sandy: I love you, and I’m worried about you.
Seth: Right back atcha.
Sandy: You snoked pot in our home.
Seth: Would you rather I do it somewhere else? Like my college down?
Sandy: That would require you getting into college.
Seth: Do you think it’s such a great idea me going away to college when mom’s been drinking again?
Sandy: What are you talking about?
Seth: Maybe if you paid attention to anything other than that stupid hospital you’d notice mom’s been out before dinner.
Sandy: Don’t talk to your father like that.
Seth: That would require you to act like my father.
Julie: Of course. We’ll be there. Bye, Kiks.
Neil: Hey, good news?
Julie: Yes! Sandy Cohen has just been named Newport’s Man of the Year. There’s a party for him tomorrow night at the yacht club.
Neil: Well, that oughta be interesting.
Julie: Speaking as someone who’s had to manage more than her share of scandal, you need to contain this ASAP.
Kirsten: Julie, I appreciate the heads up. Sandy’s gonna take this really hard.
Julie: Sandy knows. Neil told him at dinner last night.
Neil: It feels like a conflict of interest. I may have to testify against the man. I’m sure they’ll understand.
Julie: Well I don’t. The Cohens are like family, Neil.
Neil: Well they’re about to become the black sheep.
Julie: Well I don’t know about you, but I support the people I care about. I don’t judge them. I’ll call a cab.
Annoying Chick: Daddy, you can’t do this to yourself everytime you get the ratings. to Marissa It’s my dad. The Valley, it’s his show. What do you expect when you beat the same love triangle into the ground for three years. to Marissa. Who are you?
Marissa: Oh, uh, I’m Marissa. Kaitlin’s sister.
Annoying Chick: Hey bitch, your sister’s here. Nice to meet you and all. back to dad. Dad, I thought I told you to stay off the messageboards.
Theresa: Look, I have a child now. And I can’t be with someone that’s like my brother or yours.
Ryan: I’m not like him.
Theresa: Maybe on your good days, you’re not. But right now my life isn’t built for the bad ones.
Volchok to Ryan: Neighbor? Yeah. Told you this was a good plan.
Annoying Chick: Oh my god, my phone just totally stepped on your moment
Seth: Fine. But I want my own table. And my applause for his speech will be so tepid.
Julie: You changed your mind.
Neil: No, you changed my mind. You’re a very passionate woman. And surprisingly principled.
Julie: I’d like to think so.
Neil: If you feel so strongly about family, how could I not want to be a part of yours?
Copper: Who are you, his lawyer?
Sandy: I’m his father.
The Graduates
Seth: “Dad, remember when I called you the worst father ever? Right after that I swung by your place of work, I smoked a joint, I forgot to put it out and now your office fits into an ashtray.”
Sandy: Well, we both screwed up.
Seth: We’re both usually so awesome.
Seth: This is it, dude. We never have to set foot in this stupid school or this stupid student lounge again.
Ryan: Nostalgic already, huh?
Seth: Never gonna have to see any of these shoe-peeing, shallow water polo-playing—
A guy knocks into Seth
Shallow Water Polo Player: Get outta my way, geek. What is that, a dress?
Seth: It’s a graduation gown. You’re wearing one too.
Shallow Water Polo Player to his friend: Queered and Weird are wearing a “gown”.
Summer: I don’t think Cohen’s the one that needs to get lei-ed.
Taylor: Au contraire, Summer. Have I told you about my after-after-prom party with Sung Ho and Yung Nam? It was hot and spicy and, let’s just say I had my very own Korean barbeque.
Summer: I am so off kim chee.
Ryan: You know, this is gonna sound weird, but can I drive you to the airport? You were the first person I met here, I’d kinda like to be the last person to say goodbye.
Marissa: You know, it’s funny. I was gonna ask you the same thing.
Taylor: They say there’s no one older than a high school senior, but no one younger than a college freshman. Well I guess now we’ll find out as we begin our journey.
Taylor’s mom mouthing the speech and looking so proud made me really happy for some reason
Taylor: And if I could leave you all with one final word of advice: Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. Don’t let the bastards get you down.
Sandy: I know the last few years have been a roller coaster. There’s been tragedy and comedy. And first loves, broken hearts. Family members we’ve lost and found. It hasn’t all been perfect, but we’re all a family here. So cheers.
Taylor: So I just stopped by to say farewell.
Summer: You’re leaving for the Sorbonne already?
Taylor: Oh no, not quite. Sung Ho and I decided to spend the summer in his family’s village. We’re defusing land mines in the DMZ.
Seth: That’s a way to spend your summer vacation.
Summer: But what about the after-grad party? I mean you already planned it.
Taylor: As a gift. To the class of 2006. SO my work here is done. It has been a pleasure being second circle core.
Seth: You can join the inner circle.
Taylor: I can? Oh my god! The Fab Five!
Dawn: Hey, Seth good to see you again.
Seth: Good to see you, too. It means a lot that you made it down. I was being sincere.
Dawn: Okay, so—
Ryan: And thanks again for the car.
Dawn: You bet.
Seth: Ryan got a car? Really? I’ve been waiting for years for a car. I’m supposed to be the spoiled one.
Marissa: This is cool.
Ryan: Yeah, it’s a gift from my mom.
Marissa: Oh yeah? So it’s not the one you stole?
Dawn: Wow. It seems like forever since I’ve been here.
Kirsten: Let me take your bags.
Dawn: Of course maybe I was just too drunk to remember. Kidding. I’m doing good.
Kirsten: It seems that way.
Dawn: I’m gonna try and say goodbye without losin’ it.
Ryan: Well, why don’t we just not say goodbye? How about, uh, see you soon?
Dawn: See you soon.
Jason Spitz: Look, if you came to haggle me on the Ramirez plea, forget about it. I’m up to my ass in unhappy ADAs.
Sandy: No, I’m just passing through.
Jason Spitz: What, you’ve come to admire the wainscotting?
Sandy: This is my old office.
Jason Spitz: You’re Sandy Cohen?
Sandy: My reputation precedes me?
Jason Spitz: Well, self-righteous, arrogant and a little nutso?
Sandy: I see that it does.
Jason Spitz: Jason Spitz.
Sandy: Nice to meet you.
Jason Spitz: Nice to meet you. You’re a legend. Not to mention I heard about your post-victory karaoke bar performances.
Sandy: Defend the poor, sing the classics. I had a reputation and a routine.
Ryan: Sure your mom won’t be offended?
Marissa: Well I feel bad. But she did say I could use it to barter with pirates. This seems to fit the bill.
Ryan: Again, I think the pearls would have looked good on you.
Volchok: Yeah, you’re a funny kid. Got the money?
Ryan: Yep. You can use it to start over.
Volchok: Thanks, Ranger Rick. But save your speech for the Boy Scouts.
Ryan: Ranger Rick. Ow, that hurts. Whatever, man. We’re done.
Neil: That’s really nice of her to come home to support her sister.
Julie clearly not trusting motives: Yeah. Really nice.
Julie: I just want you to know, everything I ever did—good, bad or otherwise—I did it for you. So that you could have a better life than I had. And I know I wasn’t perfect. I mean, the thing with Luke, and, trying to frame Ryan for attempted homicide, I—
Marissa: Mom, I love you. Just know that.
Julie: Oh, sweetheart. That’s all I wanted. I love you too.
Ryan: Okay, uh, this looks familiar.
Marissa: Yeah? Well it shouldn’t. They rebuilt it completely after you burned it down.
Summer: You guys ever wonder what life would be like if Atwood never came here?
Marissa: I definitely never would have talked to Seth.
Summer: Oh hell no. Me either.
Seth: Hahahah!
Ryan: See, you owe me one, buddy.
Seth: Me? She’d still be dating the dude who shaves his chest.
Summer: I can’t believe that for a minute I was actually interested in Atwood. laughs Okay, no offense.
Ryan: None taken, biatch.
Marissa: It was only until you found out he was from Chino.
Summer: Exactly.
Ryan: You actually invited me to Holly’s beach house.
Summer: Oh my god!
Seth: You said she invited me. I’m not faring well, this trip down memory lane.
Marissa: I’m sorry for all the craziness.
Ryan: I wouldn’t have done it any differently. Except maybe Oliver.