Pilot
Random Woman: Did I hear you were from Canada?
Ryan: Yes, you did.
Mother: What are you doing putting my daughter in Calvin Klein? She was supposed to be wearing Vera Wang.
Peggy: And she would. If she had the chest to hold it up. It’s called puberty, honey. It’ll happen.
The Model Home
The Gamble
Dawn: I’m an embarrassment to my son.
Kirsten: Welcome to my world.
Dawn: I ruined everything, huh? You hate me.
Ryan: No, I don’t. I love you, Mom.
Kirsten: You can’t walk away.
Dawn: Why? This’ll be the first good thing I ever did for him. This way, he ends up with a real mom. Take care of him, okay? He deserves it.
The Debut
Summer: Who’s pathetic enough not to have a date the day before cotillion?
Anna: Actually, at this point that would be you.
Holly: Yeah, it’s at my house. I do it every year for cotillion.
Seth: You didn’t do it last year.
Holly: Yeah we did.
Seth: Ouch.
Seth: Anna, just know that—in life—there are peaks and there are—
Anna: Ryan’s not coming, is he?
Seth: Kinda took the wind out of my sails, but yes.
Anna: Do you know what girls find sexy?
Seth: No. Wait, let me guess. Dude’s that play water polo.
Anna: Confidence! Watch this. Seth.
Seth: Yes?
Anna: I don’t have a date for cotillion. would you be my escort?
Seth: I don’t… I mean—
Anna: Confidence, Cohen.
Seth: Let’s do this.
The Outsider
Donnie: Welcome to Newport. Where things only appear to be casual.
Donnie: How much ‘you hate this kid, Ryan? The way he talks to you like you’re trash? What about you, Seth?
Seth: Yeah. He’s definitely flawed.
The Girlfriend
Caleb Nichol (Alan Dale): You’re still not a football player.
Seth: Ah. Yes. No. But thank you. Ah, Grandpa. Meet my friend Ryan.
Caleb Nichol: This is the kid that burned down my house.
Gabrielle: Fifth grade? Okay, she needs to change it up. She’s known that guy since he’s been eating paste.
Seth: I think he still does.
Gabrielle: You must think it’s weird, me with an older guy.
Ryan: I live in a pool house.
Caleb: Honey, you don’t need my approval. After all, you adopted the boy without consulting me.
Kirsten: I would have called you about Ryan, Dad. But there wasn’t enough time.
Caleb: I get it. I’m pushing you too hard. Things are slipping through the cracks. Which is why I’ve decided to scale back your responsibilities.
Kirsten: You’re demoting me?
Caleb: I wanna get a bit more involved. Give you a chance to spend a bit more time with your new family, your new son.
Caleb: You’re all I got, Kiki. And then I’m running you so ragged you haven’t got time to talk to me anymore.
Kirsten: That’s not true and you know it. I love working for you. I just want you to be proud of me.
Caleb: Taking in a stray kid. That’s the sorta thing your mom would’ve done.
Kirsten: Yeah, except she would’ve done it just to piss you off.
Caleb: Don’t be late Monday.
The Escape
.
The Rescue
Dr. Kim: Seth. Always interesting to see you.
Dr. Kim: Ryan, you understand that if you did fail you’d lose a year. Not to mention self-confidence.
With all due respect, Dr. Kim, if you think not letting me in is going to inspire self-confidence… Gimme a shot.
Dr. Kim: You walk away from this test, you walk away from this school.
Ryan: You’re probably right. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Sorry for wasting your time.
The Heights
Seth: So, Summer. If you would care to join me for lunch today I can arrange to have an empty chair available.
Summer: There’s nothing but empty chairs at your table.
Anna Stern: Seth Cohen?
Seth: Anna! Hey, how’re you doing?
Summer: Um, excuse me. We were talking here.
Anna: Oh, so insulting him counts as conversation?
Seth: Yeah, well, if it doesn’t we’ve never spoken.
Anna: Seth, what are you doing? I thought you got past this Summer thing at Cotillion.
Seth: Right. And I know, Anna, that it seems like not a lot of progress has been made, but I have to tell you— Yeah, not that much progress has been made.
Anna: Seth doesn’t understand the whole “hard to get” strategy.
Ryan: That’s because he’s not.
The Perfect Couple
Rachel: Sandy Cohen, you are cheating on me. With your wife.
Sandy: I’m trying.
Seth: Okay, I promise I’m never going to mention Summer’s name again. Except for that. From now on we will only talk about the things we have in common. Like, how do you feel about Newport charity events, huh?
Anna: I hate them.
Seth: Me too. So what do you say you come with me. We’ll hang out and we’ll just quietly mock people.
Sandy: I’ve gotta tell you Cal, I’ve dealt with a lot of shady characters in my line of work, but I’ve never seen anyone stoop as low as you. You’ll poison anything—the air, wetlands, even your daughter’s marriage—as long as you can profit.
Caleb: You’ve been living off my profits.
Sandy: If you think I’m bought and paid for, you just wait until I get you on the stand. Don’t let my silence here mislead you. I’m taking you down.
Seth: Yo.
Anna: What up, Holmes?
Seth: Chillin’.
Anna: A’ight.
Anna: So, this is your crib? This is where all the magic happens?
Seth: Well, if by magic, you’re referring to the card game, then sadly, yes.
Anna: You have a hot tub. Do you ever use it?
Seth: Hot tub’s for the ho’s. I usually hang in the Grotto.
Marissa: So I’m just going to run to the girls’ room. It’s down the hall, right?
Anna: I gotta go too.
Seth: Right. Because girls can’t pee alone. Ryan rolls his eyes. What? It’s Anna. I could have said “pop a squat” in front of her if I wanted to.
Ryan: Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds.
Seth: Sometimes I do.
The Homecoming
Sandy: Look, Jimmy’s a good guy.
Rachel: He’s a thief.
Sandy: And you’re a lawyer. It’s a perfect match.
Theresa: Ryan Atwood.
Ryan: Theresa, hi. Arturo in?
Theresa: You’re just going to ask for my stupid brother? You’re not even going to tell me where the hell you’ve been for the last five months?
Anna: Mr. Nichol, you own the Heights, right? The property above the wetlands.
Caleb: Not you too.
Anna: No, I was just wondering. How do you feel about building a huge development that only pollutes and destroys hallowed ground?
Caleb: Looks like we’ll be here awhile. to Kirsten You ready to talk?
Kirsten to all: Fresh margs?
The Secret
Seth: Hey, I was hoping I’d bump into you. I wanted to ta— Hi Summer. And Anna, hanging out together. Wow. Wow. That’s um, that’s awkward.
Anna: Not really.
Seth: Well I meant for me.
Anna: That was so sweet what you said earlier. And I could tell you really meant it. We both know sincerity is not your strong point.
Seth: I’m working on it.
Ryan to the football players: Okay, let’s just not do this.
Football Player: How about a black eye for the queer guy, huh?
Football Player: Why don’t you just run to your daddy?
Cameron Ward: I’ve embarrassed my family enough. I think the best thing I could do right now is just to disappear.
Sandy: No, I think that’d be the worst thing you could do. I mean it’s what you’ve been doing all along. But coming and being honest with yourself and your family—in this town—it’s the bravest thing you could have done.
The Best Chrismukkah Ever
Caleb: Come, Sanford, it’s a party. Think back on your Berkeley days. Maybe you
can smoke the tree.
Sandy: Smoke the tree. Funny. I’m going to nail him now.
Kirsten: Uh huh.
Sandy: Allow me to summarize what you know already. The Heights are seismologically unsound. The whole area is uninsurable. It’s worthless.
Caleb: As is your theory.
Sandy: There’s no way you would have gotten a building permit. And you knew that.
Caleb: What do you want Sandy?
Sandy: I want to buy back The Heights. For a dollar.
Caleb: You can not be serious.
Sandy: Sandy putting a dollar in Caleb’s hand: Merry Christmas.
Seth: Hey Anna. Summer was just giving me her gift. It’s cool.
Anna: You’re Wonder Woman?
Summer: Yeah. So?
Anna: I mean you look… amazing. Is that my story? Oh my god. I made you a comic book. What am I, eight?
Summer to herself: Way to go, Wonder Whore.
Seth: Hey, Wonder Woman’s not a whore, okay? Stop.
Summer: What are we doing?
Anna: I don’t know. This is ridiculous.
Seth: Okay, you guys, one second please. Let’s not have one speed bump derail the whole train okay? Let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water. Let’s… let’s make some more metaphors.
Summer: Look, I’m not into talking about, like, feelings or whatever. But I like you, okay? And so does she. If we don’t put an end to this soon—
Anna: Someone’s going to get hurt.
Summer: You gotta choose Cohen.
Ryan getting pulled over with Marissa and an open bottle: Of course this is happening.
The Countdown
Hailey Nichol: Who the hell are you?
Ryan: It’s a long story. Who the hell are you?
Hailey Nichol: It doesn’t work that way, dude. It’s my pool house.
Ryan: Actually, dude, it’s my pool house.
Hailey Nichol: So this is yours. You want it back?
Ryan: I’ve got plenty, thanks.
Hailey Nichol: Marissa; Is that the short chick next door?
Seth: No. Puberty happened. She’s a Laker.
Kirsten: Hailey can we focus for a moment?
Hailey: On the fact that someone’s gotten matronly in the last two years?
Kirsten: Two years is the part that I want to focus on.
Hailey: What am I going to wear tonight? A little Ann Taylor, little Ralph Lauren… Oh my god. Is this from Talbots?
Kirsten: It was a gift. Haven’t you been living in hostels, out of a backpack, wearing clothes made from hemp?
Hailey: That was last year, Kiki.
Kirsten: Don’t call me Kiki! Only Dad calls me Kiki. And only because he won’t… not.
Hailey: So tonight, you guys—
Kirsten: Are going to dinner at The Arches. We do it every year. Home in time to watch Dick Clark and the ball drop. Two images that should not be used in the same sentence.
Taryn: Oh my god! I can’t believe you’re here. I had no idea you were so much… fun.
Kirsten: Yeah. Hi Taryn. You know my husband Sandy.
Taryn: Well, if I don’t now, I might at midnight.
Sandy: Hello.
Taryn: Go ahead Sandy. Put your watch in the bowl. to Kirsten: Whoever ends up with him is gonna be one lucky lady.
Sandy: Oh my god.
Kirsten: I think we’re at a swingers party.
Summer: We were wondering. Who were you smiling at, me or her?
Allan from Tulsa: Uh, you’re both cute.
Summer: No, not happening. One or the other. You have to choose between us. Someone has to choose between us.
Hailey: There’s a girl out there that wants to kill me.
Ryan: Just one?
Hailey: So, how was the party?
Kirsten: What did you do?
Hailey: Nothing that can’t be undone. A little Palmolive, some elbow grease. Seth and I have it covered.
Seth: Woah. Nobody said anything about elbow grease.
Kirsten: Seth. Garbage. Out. Now.
Kirsten: You don’t walk away from me.
Hailey: You’re not mom. You can’t talk to me that way.
Kirsten: This is my house! My upside-down couch! I will talk to you any way that I want.
Seth: Anna? Hey.
Anna: I didn’t want you to be alone on New Years. Actually, I didn’t want to be alone on New Years.
Seth: Well I’m not alone.
Anna: Oh.
Seth: I have Captain Oats and Carson Daly, so…
Anna: Oh, wow. That’s an unbeatable combination. I’ll go.
Seth: Wait wait. Captain Oats had too much champagne. And Carson Daly’s kind of a ginormous tool. So… I could use the company.
Summer: You’re not Seth Cohen.
Allan from Tulsa: Who’s Seth Cohen?
Summer: Hm? I wasn’t talking to you. I gotta go.
The Third Wheel
Hailey: So now I’m broke and sleeping at my sister’s.
Jimmy: Hey, I’m broke and my wife is sleeping with your father. Fantastic.
Hailey: We’ve really done well for ourselves.
The Links
Seth: A little golf, a little shpitz.
Anna: I don’t know. It all sounds kind of old.
Seth: Yes, Anna, it does sound old. Somewhere inside of me there’s a little Jewish man who’s very excited.
Kirsten: How was France?
Caleb: Aside from the French. Where’s Hailey?
Kirsten: She’s showering, I think. I wasn’t expected you guys so soon.
Julie: Oh, he couldn’t to see his precious Hailey. Couldn’t even let me go home and take a shower.
Caleb: How is she? How’s she looking? Truthfully.
Kirsten: Oh, she looks good. Her spirits are high.
Caleb: She’s high?
Kirsten: No. Her spirits, her mood. She up.
Caleb: So she’s on uppers?
Kirsten: She seems balanced.
Hailey: Julie, your hair.
Julie: Hailey, you’re here.
Oliver: Marissa was filling me in on some of the details on our ride down.
Ryan: She was?
Oliver: Yeah. But I mean, just in terms of how amazing it is you’re so healthy. Well-adjusted. Considering.
Ryan: Considering?
Anna: How come when she says “friends” it sounds like a threat?
Seth: It’s her inflection.
Sandy: We’ll have a nice meal, a few drinks, and talk about his next move.
Kirsten: Alcohol. Yes. Inspired.
Sandy: How do you think I got you to marry me?
Caleb walking in: So you were drunk. Explains everything, Kiki.
The Rivals
Anna: You take Israeli self-defense, I’ll take arts and crafts.
Danny (Bret Harrison): Hey, who took the jelly out of your donut? Somebody call CSI. We’ve got ourselves a cold one here. Huh?
Luke: CSI!
Danny: Hey, tag that toe!
Seth: Oh, god, he watches Leno. That explains everything.
Anna: Explains what?
Seth: Why that Danny guy is not funny.
Anna: He’s funny.
Seth: No, he’s not funny. He’s big. Big is not funny.
Danny: Why you all up in ma kool-aid not even knowin’ the flava!
Sandy: Hey, how’re you doing? I’m Sandy.
Danny: Why don’t you take a shower?
Sandy: Pardon?
Danny: Just kidding, I like you dirty.
Seth: She said that about me? That she thinks I’m the funniest guy ever?
Danny: Yes. You and some dude named Captain Oats. Who the hell is Captain Oats?
The Truth
Anna: Wow. Oliver seems almost…
Summer: Yeah well why shouldn’t he. He has Marissa all to himself now.
Marissa’s phone rings and she hesitates answering it
Oliver: It’s Ryan, isn’t it?
Luke: You’re not gonna get it?
Oliver: She’s not talking to Ryan right now.
Luke: Is she still talking to me or are you doing all of her talking from now on?
Kirsten: You want me to break up with her?
Caleb: I knew you would understand.
Caleb: I’m sorry.
Julie: You should be. I deserve so much better from you. From both of you. Enjoy your office. I quit.
Oliver Trask: If you don’t give it up, it’s over.
Ryan: Hey Oliver? It’s far from over.
Seth: You know how excited I get turning people on to comics.
Anna: I know how excited you get turning Summer on.
Marissa: There is no ex-girlfriend is there?
Oliver: Marissa, I can explain.
Oliver: If you leave I will have nothing else to live for. So you have to promise me you will not leave.
Anna: I think you’re a great guy. But I’m not going to stand here and pretend like I’m your girlfriend when I’m not. At least not anymore. I’ll see you in school.
The Heartbreak
Theresa (Navi Rawat): So do you go to a lot of these kinds of events?
Ryan: Pretty much every week.
The Telenovela
Seth: Hey, how was Pittsburgh?
Anna: It was good to be home.
Seth: It’s also the home of Andy Warhol, Mr. Rogers, and ketchup. And you can’t compete with that.
Caleb: We should be able to come to an arrangement where we both get from a relationship what we want.
Julie: Is this a booty call?
Caleb: What’s a “booty call?
Julie: It’s when you show up at night unannounced, no apologies, no compliments, no commitments. Just some crappy mini-carns from Ralph’s and a very mistaken idea that I just might want to— {she slams the door}
Caleb: Guess it was a booty call.
Anna: Look, once you get what you want that’s when you’ve got something to lose.
Theresa: …but I guess life’s not really like that. You can’t get all caught up in something that’s not going to happen. You’ve got to hold on to the next best thing.
The Goodbye Girl
Seth: We were just discussing your plan.
Theresa: What plan?
Seth: Exactly.
Anna: They have chin implants?
Summer: My Dad does them all the time. He says chins are the new nose.
Anna: So did Picasso.
Summer: Really? What hospital does he work for? Kidding! I’m not that dumb, just shallow.
Joel: Let me tell you something, Sandy. The Newport Group is Orange County’s Enron. You make this just a little bit difficult for me and I will come down on you as hard as I can.
Sandy: Oh wow. This must be a reelection year.
Joel: Oh spare me. You and I have been friends for years. That’s probably why Caleb Nichol hired you. But it used to be, Sandy Cohen’s moral compass wouldn’t point him anywhere except the direction of truth. No matter who he took down.
Sandy: Ah, spoken like a man who’s never been married.
Anna: I just came to say goodbye. My plane’s leaving soon.
Summer: You’re really leaving.
Anna: Yeah.
Summer: Well you might not believe this, but I’m gonna miss you.
Anna: What’s even more unbelievable is that I’m going to miss you.
Summer: Pretty unbelievable.
Anna: Bye Blanche.
Summer: See ya Rose.
Ryan: Thanks for teaching me how to waltz.
Anna: Have the best life. You deserve it.
Caleb: What’s the matter, Sandy? You cut deals for yours clients all the time.
Sandy: Yeah. Well usually they’re the
ones who have broken the law. Not me.
Theresa: Okay. I’ll be here trying to spot the chin implants.
Caleb: Hi Juju. I was wondering if you were going to ignore me all night.
Julie: You seemed busy. Congratulations.
Caleb: Thanks for coming. Can I drive you home?
Julie: I can walk down the driveway.
Caleb: Can I call you? Take you out on a real date. Things have gotten a little crazy. And I know I didn’t appreciate you. I want to. I want to make you feel appreciated.
Julie: Plan the perfect date, run it by me. We’ll see.
Marissa: Hey. How are you?
Theresa: I’m just embarrassed. I can’t believe this huge fight at a fancy party.
Marissa: Actually not the first time that’s happened.
Seth: You love me. I read it. And I get it. I’m so sorry if I did anything to hurt your feelings or cause this, but I don’t want you to leave. Okay? None of us do.
Anna: Seth, I love you. As a friend.
Seth: What?
Anna: Cohen I love you as a friend.
Seth: It doesn’t say Azerbaijan?
Anna: Look, I think you’re an amazing guy—a little self-absorbed, maybe— but great. I mean, if there’s one thing my relationship taught me it’s that we don’t have a lot of chemistry.
Seth: So you’re not leaving because of me?
Anna: I’m leaving because I need to leave. But who knows, maybe one day we’ll be perfect for each other. I don’t know. I do know I have to go to Pittsburgh. I’m moving, Seth. I thought I could make this ride alone, but I can’t. Thanks for coming. Saying goodbye.
Seth: Anna, wait a second. What am I going to do without you? You’re so wise, and all your sage wisdom. What am I going do without that?
Anna: Confidence, Cohen.
The L.A.
Caleb: Wax philosophical about why your partner up and quit.
Sandy: He hasn’t quit. He went after Hailey.
Caleb: What are you talking about? Hailey’s in Club Med.
Sandy: Oh she’s in a club, but in Hollywood. Working as a stripper. Ryan just called. They found her. Anyway. That’s where my partner went. That’s why he’s my partner.
Grady: So listen, I’m really glad that you came tonight—
Summer: No, wait! Sh. I wanna watch.
Grady: Why? I’m not in this scene.
Club Owner: What are you, the dad?
Jimmy: What are you? The guy who’s my age and still thinks he’s 25?
The Nana
Sophie Cohen (Linda Lavin): The front door’s wide open. A person could walk in here, take everything and kill us all.
Seth: It’s The Nana.
Kirsten: You remember my sister Hailey.
The Nana: Oh, right. The bad seed. I always liked you best. Don’t tell the others.
The Nana: Shawn and your dad used to run in a gang together, did you know that?
Seth: Oh yeah? Bloods or Crips, father?
Sandy: It was more of a youth group.
Sandy: Oh please, you’re gonna outlive us all.
The Nana: You think? Dr. Tally disagrees with you. He gives me four to six months, tops. He says I have advanced lung cancer. Want to know why I came? I came to say goodbye.
The Nana: Oh god, what am I doing here? I hate this state, I hate the sunshine, I hate the ocean. I hate Schwarzenegger!
The Nana: You told her, didn’t you.
Kirsten: I would never do that.
The Nana: That what were you talking about?
Kirsten: How scary you are.
The Nana: Oh, guilt now. That’s very impressive. Are you sure you’re not Jewish?
The Proposal
Hailey: Is this okay? Or is it putting the “ho” in hostess?
Caleb: Marissa, your mother is a wonderful woman.
Marissa: She is?
Caleb: I better get back to my bride-to-be.
Kirsten: Oh yeah. Definitely might vomit.
The Shower
Jimmy: Hailey was just over to help me fix my—
Hailey: Faucet!
Jimmy: My faucet. Which, remember it was leaking. And she’s an expert on plumbing.
Hailey: I should go. Now that the faucet is fixed.
Caleb: Besides, we’re family.
Jimmy: Right. Although, are we? I don’t know. I can’t keep track.
Neil Roberts: Comic books?
Seth: Sir… I think I hear the skepticism in your tone.
Theresa: I’ll take some self-defense classes. And Eddie and I will live happily ever after.
The Strip
Theresa: I can’t impose on Seth’s parents forever.
Seth: Sure you can. I intend to.
Theresa about her new living arrangements: I mean, she doesn’t have a poolhouse or anything…
Caleb: What is this place?
Sandy: This is the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. According to Seth it is ground zero for aging hipsters like yourself.
Hailey: Can I ask you something? How do you get yourself into these things?
Kirsten: I wish I knew.
Hailey: Does she have a picture of you wearing culottes or something?
Jen to Seth: Excuse me. would you mind if I kissed you?
The Ties The Bind
Sandy: You’re not in school.
Ryan: Yeah, we were at the doctor’s office.
Kirsten: Is everything okay?
Seth: Yeah, it’s fine.
Theresa: I’m pregnant.
Seth: Well, except for that.
Theresa: 85¢. Great. I’ll put it towards the baby’s college tuition.
Caleb: So. What are you going to do when I’m not around to make you feel better about yourself?
Sandy: What, are you going somewhere?
Caleb: Maybe. Like say, San Quentin.
Theresa: Not having this baby makes the most sense.
Kirsten: You don’t have to make the decision that makes the most sense.
Sandy: It’s ironic. Julie leaves Jimmy, marries you, now he’s worth millions. And you’re gonna be broke.
Caleb: I don’t believe in irony.
Sandy: Well that’s too bad. Because, well it might be just the thing to get you through this.