The Avengers
Seth: Aren’t you going to invite me in? So the utility closet is the new pool house. Things change. It’s the Seth-Ryan Time that counts.
Seth: I’m not going to go anywhere until you come with me.
Ryan: Yeah? What are you gonna do, you gonna fight me?
Seth: Well, seeing as how I don’t fight back— Ryan shoves Seth
Ryan: Just don’t anymore, okay?
The Gringos
Seth: Can’t let you go.
Ryan: It’s not really your choice.
Seth: So what? Then you’re just going to find Volchok and either kill him or get yourself killed? That’s insane.
Ryan: This conversation’s over. Seth jumps into the Jeep What— what are you doing?
Seth: I’m coming with you. It’s not like you’re leaving me any choice.
Ryan: I’m gonna tell the cops. I just need to see him first.
Seth: No offense, but, like, nobody believes that.
Seth: So where we going?
Ryan: Mexico.
Seth: Perfect. I need Chiclet.
The Sleeping Beauty
Seth: Bollywood, huh? I didn’t know you were such a world cinema buff. Especially at 2:30 in the morning.
Ryan: What are you doing up?
Seth: I had a dream. Summer was marrying Ralph Nader and I was playing the marimba at the wedding.
Ryan: Good gig.
The Summer Bummer
Ryan: Hey man. How’s the east Coast treating you?
Seth: Too soon to tell. I had a layover in Sault Lake and then got delayed in Poughkeepsie. It’s hard to get a direct flight last minute.
Ryan: Yeah well, at least you made it. Was Summer surprised to see you?
Seth: I’m headed over there right now. I’ve got an all-night study package.
I scored a brick of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and some reasonably-priced meth from this homeless guy.
Ryan: Well I’m sure she’ll appreciate the pick-me-up.
Seth: How are things with you? I know you wanted to talk.
Ryan: Things are weird. And about to get a lot weirder.
Seth: That wasn’t vague or ominous at all.
The Earth Girls Are Easy
Ryan: The nearest cab company’s in Baker. What do you wanna do now?
Seth: Oh, curl up in a fetus position and weep. Although perhaps the unborn baby metaphor—
Ryan: Not really appropriate.
The My Two Dads
Ryan: So you asked her before you looked at the test?
Seth: I was trying to be a man. A plan with a fundamental conceptual flaw.
Ryan: And now?
Seth: Well it’s not that I regret it exactly. Okay, it’s exactly that I regret it.
Ryan: Acting impulsively when your girlfriend is pregnant—believe me, I know about that. But you can’t ask Summer to marry you if you don’t want to get married.
Seth: I feel good about this. I think a little long-term lifelong commitment is exactly what I needed.
Ryan: This is bad.
Seth: This is so bad.
The French Connection
Ryan: So you’re really going to Seattle?
Seth: You wanna marry a girl, you gotta ask her father’s permission, Ryan. It’s the polite thing to do.
Ryan: Yeah except you don’t want to get married. Which you could still tell her, you know.
Seth: Not a chance.
Ryan: So you guys are really going to walk down the aisle because neither of you is willing to back down?
Seth: That’s where Dr. Roberts comes in. He rejects me, this whole game of chicken ends and I don’t have to be the bad guy.
The Groundhog Day
Ryan: I cannot believe that you tried to steal Newport Chuck.
Seth: Sometimes the universe makes you do things that you don’t understand.
Ryan: Well Sandy didn’t seem too upset about it.
Seth: Sure. Are you kidding? He’s waited eighteen years for me to be arrested for political activism. It’s probably the proudest moment of his entire life.
The Night Moves
Ryan: Seth, the hospital is like a mile away.
Seth: I know. Which is why I’m taking the secret back roads way that’s only a half mile. That was sarcasm. I’m pretty sure my shortcut got us lost.
Ryan: Well, the ocean’s on one side, the land’s on the other. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. That was sarcasm too. Sorry.
Seth: No, hey. So you’re a little on edge. A giant glass spear in the back will do that to a guy.
Ryan: It’s not a spear.
Seth: What is it, a— more of a spike, or a skewer?
Ryan: Dude, you’re doing a terrible job of trying to keep my mind off the pain. You’re supposed to talk about something else. Not the thing causing the pain.
Seth: True. But what are you doing to keep my mind off of your pain, ’cause right now you’re not looking too good, I’m starting to feel— What was that?
Ryan: It sounds like we hit something.
Seth: Oh god, not a body.
Ryan: Alright, well pull over or something. Go check.
Seth: With the zombies?
Seth: Um, you may find this hard to believe, Ryan, but when I was younger I used to be a bit of a worrier.
Ryan: You don’t say.
Seth: To distract myself from worrying, I would sometimes make lists. Um, it didn’t matter what the lists were—it could be anything. Every cereal I’ve ever eaten, or the names of every planet mentioned in Star Wars.
Ryan: You want to make a list, Seth?
Seth: Huh? Oh, you know, whatever. I mean sure, if you want to. We could start with everyone you’ve ever punched in the face since you moved to Newport. The first would be Luke at Holly’s beach house.
Ryan: Yeah, and number two would be Luke.
Seth: Right. At the diner.
Ryan: Yeah. And again at the model home.
Seth: Holly’s dad at Cotillion
Ryan: That was more of a tackle.
Seth: Which takes us back to Luke.
Ryan: Yeah. At TJ.
Seth: So listen, I’m gonna go on foot and get help I think.
Ryan: No no no.
Seth: Well we can’t stay here. I don’t even know where here is.
Ryan: I’m going with you.
Seth: No, it’s cool. Listen, I’m gonna come back as soon as I can. I promise.
Ryan: What about the zombies?
Seth: That’s a really good point.
Seth: Alright buddy. We have to keep you alert and on your feet. Now, when last we checked the list—need some help—we were on Trey. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe we went from Trey to a lengthy Volchok period.
Ryan: Yeah. Hey, thanks for this.
Seth: Yeah. Now unless you hit that Chili guy. Or Johnny. I know a lot of people were rooting for that.
Ryan: Well I did punch Johnny’s dad. Or a bounty hunter who worked for him.
Seth: Johnny’s dad was a bounty hunter?
Ryan: Oh yeah. I never told you that?
Seth: Okay, I’ve always wondered this. In your opinion who is a better food industry server? Chloe, the magical waitress from Albuquerque. Or Donnie, the angry busboy who shot Luke?
Ryan: Uh.. Chloe.
Seth: Chloe, huh. Good. That’s what I figured. [?] Sadie the tough-as-nails yet soulful jewelry maker or Lindsay my grandfather’s illegitimate booksmart child?
Ryan: I can’t, Seth.
Seth: Sure you can. It’s very easy.
Seth: The doctors say you’re going to be fine. Although you’re going to have to wrap your head around the fact that we’re really brothers now. Or… blood brothers.
Ryan: You donated blood.
Seth: Eh. I had an extra few pints flowing through my veins. It was no big deal.
Ryan: You’re not a big fan of needles.
Seth: Nor of fainting, it turns out. But the bank was a little low and us O Negative guys gotta stick together.
Ryan: Hm. That’s weird because all the sudden I have this strange urge to listen to Death Cab and read comic books.
Seth: For real?
Ryan: No.
Seth: Ah, that’s too bad. Because if we could’ve turned this into a body swap comedy we could’ve squeezed another year or two out of this.
Ryan: So listen, I don’t know if I said this today, but—
Seth: You did. But after all the times you saved me, I was up. So…
The End’s Not Near, It’s Here
Seth: Ryan! Come in, sit.
Ryan: Yeah, that’s not going to happen.
Seth: I’ve been doing some checking up on your new roommate. His favorite book and movie are the Da Vinci Code. He’s no me.
Ryan: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Seth: At least I leave you funnier than when I found you.
Ryan: A lot better off than when you found me.
Seth: Me too.