The Empty Hearse
Derren Brown: John. John. Look at me. Look at me. And sleep. Sleep. Right away down. Right away, sound asleep. That’s good. That’s good, the sound of my voice just there in the center of your head and floating all the way around you. And you will awaken in 3… 2… 1… zero.
Detective Inspector Lestrade (Rupert Graves): Bollocks!
Philip Anderson (Jonathan Aris): No no no no. It’s obvious. That’s how he did it. It’s obvious.
Lestrade: Derren Brown? Let it go. Sherlock’s dead.
Anderson: Is he?
Lestrade: There was a body. It was him. It was definitely him. Molly Hooper laid him out.
Anderson: No, she’s lying. It was Jim Moriarty’s body with a mask on.
Lestrade: A mask? A bungee rope, a mask, Derren Brown. Two years and the theories keep getting more stupid. How many more you got for me today?
Anderson: Well, you know the paving slabs in that whole area? Even the exact ones that he landed on? You know they were all–
Lestrade: Guilt. That’s all this is. You pushed us all into thinking that Sherlock was a fraud, you and Donovan. You did this and it killed him and he’s staying dead. Do you honestly believe that if you have enough stupid theories it’s gonna change what really happened?
Anderson: I believe in Sherlock Holmes.
Lestrade: Yeah, well that won’t bring him back.
Reporter: …And that after extensive police investigations, Richard Brook did indeed prove to be the creation of James Moriarty.
Reporter: In unprecedented scenes there was uproar in court, where Sherlock Holmes was vindicated and cleared of all suspicion.
Reporter: Sadly all this comes too late for the detective, who became something of a celebrity two years ago.
Reporter: Questions are now being asked as to why police let matters get so far.
Reporter: Sherlock Holmes fell to his death from the top of London’s Bart’s Hospital. Although he left no note, friends say he it was likely he was unable to cope with the slow…
Lestrade: Well then. To absent friends. Sherlock.
Anderson: Sherlock.
Lestrade: And may God rest his soul.
Captor interrogating the spy: You broke in here for a reason. Just tell us why and you can sleep. Remember sleep? Huh? … What? {the spy whispers in his ear}
Captor 2: Well? What did he say?
Captor: He said that I used to work in the Navy… where I had an unhappy love affair. That the electricity isn’t working in my bathroom… and that my wife is sleeping with our next door neighbor. The coffin maker. And if I go home now I’ll catch them at it. I knew it! I knew there was something going on! {he rushes out}
Mrs. Hudson (Una Stubbs) about the sugar: Oh no. You don’t take it, do you?
Watson: No.
Mrs. Hudson: You forget a little thing like that.
Watson: Yes.
Mrs. Hudson pointedly: You forget lots of little things, it seems.
Watson: Uh huh.
Mrs. Hudson about the moustache: Not sure about that. Ages you.
Watson: Just trying it out.
Mrs. Hudson: Well it ages you.
Watson: Look–
Mrs. Hudson: I’m not you’re mother, I’ve no right to expect it.
Watson: No–
Mrs. Hudson: But just one phone call, John! Just one phone call would have done.
Watson: I know.
Mrs. Hudson: After all we went through.
Watson: Yes. I am sorry.
Mrs. Hudson: Look, I understand how difficult it was for you after… after…
Watson: I just let it slide, Mrs. Hudson. I let it all slide. And it just got got harder and harder to pick up the phone somehow.
Do you know what I mean?
Mrs. Hudson: So why now? What changed your mind?
Watson: Well I’ve got some news.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh god. Is it serious?
Watson: What? No. No, I’m not ill. Well I’m… moving on.
Mrs. Hudson: You’re immigrating.
Watson: Nope. Ah, no. I’ve met someone.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh lovely!
Watson: Yeah, we’re getting married. Well I’m going to ask anyway.
Mrs. Hudson: So soon after Sherlock?
Watson: Well yes.
Mrs. Hudson: What’s his name?
Watson: It’s a woman.
Mrs. Hudson: A woman!
Watson: Yes of course it’s a woman.
Mrs. Hudson: You really have moved on, haven’t you.
Mary Morstan (Amanda Abbington): Now then, what did you want to ask me?
Watson: More wine?
Mary: No I’m good with water, thanks. So.
Watson: Ah, so. Mary. Listen. Um. I know it hasn’t been long. And I know we haven’t known each other for a long time…
Mary: Go on.
Watson: Yes, I will. As you know these last couple of years haven’t been easy for me. And meeting you… yeah, meeting you has been the best thing that possibly have happened.
Mary: I agree.
Watson: What?
Mary: I agree. I’m the best thing that could have happened to you. Sorry.
Sherlock: Interesting thing, a tuxedo. Lends distinction to friends and anonymity to waiters.
Mary: John? John, what is it? What?
Sherlock: Well then. Short version. Not dead. Bit mean, springing it on you like that, I know. Could have given you a heart attack, probably still will. In my defense it was very funny. Okay it’s not a great defense.
Mary: Oh no, you’re–
Sherlock: Oh yes.
Mary: Oh my god–
Sherlock: Not quite.
Mary: You died. You jumped off a roof.
Sherlock: No.
Mary: You’re dead.
Sherlock: No, I’m quite sure. I checked. Excuse me. {he starts to wipe off the moustache} Does, ah, does yours rub off too?
Mary: Oh my god. Oh my god. Do you have any idea what you’ve done?
Sherlock: Okay, John, I’m suddenly realizing I owe you some sort of an apology.
Mary: Okay, John, just keep…
Watson: Two years. {he tries to compose himself} Two years. I thought… I thought… you were dead. Hm. And you let me grieve. Hm? How could you do that? How?
Sherlock: Wait, before you do anything that you might regret, one question. Just let me ask one question. Are you really going to keep that? {Watson tackles him}
Sherlock: Actually, um, that was mostly Mycroft’s idea.
Watson: Oh, so this was your brother’s plan.
Mary: Oh, well he would have needed a confidante.
Sherlock: Mm hm.
Mary: Sorry.
Sherlock about the mustache: Seriously, it’s not a joke. You’re really keeping this?
Watson: Ah, yeah.
Sherlock: You’re sure?
Watson: Mary likes it.
Sherlock: Mm… no she doesn’t.
Watson: She does.
Sherlock: She doesn’t.
Mary: Wha– Don’t.
Watson: Oh, brilliant!
Mary: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you.
Watson: Really no, this is charming. I’ve really missed this.
Sherlock: I don’t understand. I said I’m sorry. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?
Mary: Gosh, you don’t know anything about human nature, do you?
Sherlock: Hm… nature? No. Human? No.
Mary: I’ll talk him ’round.
Sherlock: You will?
Mary: Oh yeah.
Watson: Can you believe his nerve?
Mary: I like him.
Watson: What?
Mary: I like him.
Sherlock: Those things will kill you.
Lestrade: Oh you bastard.
Sherlock: It’s time to come back. You’ve been letting things slide, Graham.
Lestrade: Greg.
Sherlock: Greg. {Lestrade pauses and then bear hugs him}
Anderson: WHAT!? Are you out of your mind?
Laura: I don’t see why not. It’s just as plausible as some of your theories.
Anderson: Look, if you’re not going to take it seriously,
Laura, you can–
Laura: I do take it seriously. I don’t think we should wear hats.
Anderson: I founded the Empty Hearse so like-minded people could meet, discuss theories… Sherlock’s still out there. I’m convinced of it. {the television suddenly breaks the news of Sherlock’s reappearance}
Laura: Oh my God. Oh. My. God.
Mary: What are you doing?
Watson: Having a wash.
Mary: You’re shaving it off.
Watson: Well you hate it.
Mary: Sherlock hates it.
Watson: Apparently everyone hates it.
Mary: Oo. Are you going to see him again?
Watson: No. I’m going to work.
Mary: Oh. And after work are you going to see him again?
Mary: God, I had six months of bristly kisses for me and then his nibs turns up and all it’s–
Watson: I don’t shave for Sherlock Holmes.
Mary: You should put that on a t-shirt.
Watson: Shaddup.
Mary: Or what?
Watson: Or I’ll marry you.
Mrs. Hudson: I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it, him sitting in his chair again. Oh, isn’t it wonderful, Mr. Holmes?
Mycroft: I can barely contain myself.
Sherlock: Oh he really can, you know.
Mrs. Hudson: He’s secretly pleased to see you underneath all
that.
Sherlock: Sorry, which of us?
Mrs. Hudson: Both of you.
Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock.
Sherlock: Hm?
Mrs. Hudson: Talk to John.
Sherlock: I tried talking to him. He made his position quite clear.
Mr. Harcourt: Well absolutely no one should have been allowed to empty that bank account other than myself and Helen.
Sherlock: Why didn’t you assume it was your wife?
Mr. Harcourt: Because I’ve always had total faith in her.
Sherlock: No, it’s because you emptied it.
Mr. Harcourt: Weight loss, hair dye, botox, affair, {handing the wife a card} lawyer. Next!
Sherlock: I won’t insult your intelligence by explaining it to you.
Lestrade: No, please. Insult away.
Howard Shilcott: The train never stops and the man vanishes. Good innit?
Sherlock: I know that face.
Mom (Wanda Bentham): I can’t tell you how glad we are, Sherlock. All that time, people thinking the worst of you. We’re just so pleased it’s all over.
Dad (Timothy Carlton): Ring us more often, won’t you? She worries.
Mom: Promise?
Sherlock: Promise.
Anderson: Molly? Molly Hooper? She was in on it?
Sherlock: Yes.
Anderson: Hm. Not the way I’d have done it.
Sherlock: Oh really.
Anderson: No, I’m not saying it’s not clever, but…
Sherlock: What?
Anderson: Bit… disappointed.
Sherlock: Everyone’s a critic.
The Sign of Three
Eighteen months ago
Detective Inspector Lestrade (Rupert Graves): They just walked out of there.
Sgt Sally Donovan (Vinette Robinson): Yeah, I know. I was sort of sitting next to you.
Lestrade: The whole Waters family. They just walked right out of there.
Donovan: Again, I was in the room, and–
Lestrade: How do they always manage that?
Donovan: They’re good.
Lestrade: They’re greedy, and they’ll do it again and next time we’re gonna catch them in the act.
Donovan: How?
Twelve months ago
Donovan: No good?
Lestrade: They always know we’re coming. How do they always know?
Donovan: They’re good. They work at it.
Lestrade: They’re never going to stop.
Donovan: Well neither are we.
Three months ago
Donovan: Greg!
Lestrade: In the act! The only way we’re going to do this: In. The. Act.
Yesterday
Lestrade: You know how most day aren’t good days? This is a good day.
Donovan: Not for the Walters family.
Sherlock: This is hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. {showing him the book How to Write Unforgettable Speeches} Do you know any funny stories about John?
Lestrade: What?
I need anecdotes. You didn’t go to any trouble, did you? {a helicopter descends outside}
Sherlock: Why are you here?
Mrs. Hudson (Una Stubbs): I’m bringing you your morning tea. You’re not usually awake.
Sherlock: You bring me tea in the morning?
Mrs. Hudson: Well where do you think it came from?
Sherlock: I don’t know, I just thought it sort of happened.
Mrs. Hudson: Your mother has a lot to answer for.
Sherlock: I know. I have a list. Mycroft has a file.
Sherlock: I think from now on we’ll downgrade you to casual acquaintance. No more than three planned social encounters a year, and always in John’s presence. I have your contact details. I will be monitoring.
David (Oliver Lansley): They’re right about you. You’re a bloody pyschopath.
Sherlock: High-functioning sociopath. With your number.
Sherlock: Basically it’s a cute smile to the bride’s smile, cute smile to the groom’s side, and then the rings.
Archie: No.
Sherlock: And you have to wear the outfit.
Archie: No.
Sherlock: You really do have to wear the outfit.
Archie: What for?
Sherlock: Grown-ups like that sort of thing.
Archie: Why?
Sherlock: I don’t know. I’ll ask one.
Archie: What’s all the stuff in his eye?
Sherlock: Maggots.
Archie: Cool!
Sherlock: Hm.
Janine (Yasmine Akram): Can I keep you?
Sherlock: Do you like solving crimes?
Janine: Do you have a vacancy?
Molly Hooper (Louise Brealey): Greg.
Lestrade: Molly.
Molly: I just had a thought.
Lestrade: Is that a brain?
Molly: What if John asks Sherlock to be his best man?
Lestrade: Well he will. I mean he’s bound to.
Molly: Exactly.
Lestrade: So?
Molly: So he’ll have to make a speech. In front of people. They’re will be actual people there actually listening.
Lestrade: What’s the worst that could happen?
Molly: Helen Louise probably wondered the same.
Lestrade: Helen Louise? {she looks at the brain}
Sherlock: Now. Serviette. Swan or Sydney Opera House?
Mary Morstan (Amanda Abbington): Where’d you learn to do that?
Sherlock: Many unexpected skills required in the field of criminal investigation.
Mary: Fibbing, Sherlock.
Sherlock: I once broke an alibi by demonstrating the exact severity of a folded–
Mary: I’m not John. I can tell when you’re fibbing.
Sherlock: Okay, I learned it on YouTube.
Mary: He’s YouTubing serviettes.
Watson: He’s thorough.
Mary: He’s terrified.
Lestrade: What a couple of light weights. You couldn’t even make it ’til closing time.
Watson: Can you whisper?
Lestrade: Not really!
Mycroft: Oh Sherlock. What do we say about coincidences?
Sherlock: “The universe is rarely so lazy.”
Watson: Sherlock, any chance of an end date for this speech? We’ve gotta cut the cake.
Sherlock: Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, can’t stand it when I finally get the chance to speak for once. Vatican cameos.
Mary: What did he say? What does that mean?
Watson: Battle stations. Someone’s going to die.
Sherlock: Imagine someone’s going to get murdered at a wedding. Who exactly would you pick?
Mrs. Hudson (Una Stubbs): I think you’re a popular choice at the moment, dear.
Sherlock: If someone could move Mrs. Hudson’s glass slightly out of reach that would be lovely.
Major James Sholto (Alastaire Petrie): When somebody wants you dead, it hardly seems good manners to argue.
Janine: Do you always carry handcuffs?
Sherlock: Down, girl.
Sherlock: Stop panicking.
Watson: I’m not panicking.
Mary: I’m pregnant, I’m panicking.
Sherlock: Don’t panic. None of you panic. Absolutely no reason to panic.
Watson: Oh, and you’d know of course?
Sherlock: Yes I would. You’re already the best parents in the world. Look at all the practice you’ve had.
His Last Vow
Lady Alicia Smallwood (Lindsay Duncan): Mr. Magnussen, please state your full name for the record.
Charles Augustus Magnussen (Lars Mikkelsen): Charles Augustus Magnussen.
Lady Smallwood: Mr. Magnussen, how would you describe your influence over the Prime Minister?
Magnussen: The British Prime Minister?
Lady Smallwood: Any of the British Prime Ministers you have known.
Magnussen: I’ve never had the slightest influence over any of them. Why would I?
Lady Smallwood: I notice you’ve had seven meetings at Downing Street this year. Why?
Magnussen: Because I was invited.
Lady Smallwood: Can you recall the subjects under discussion?
Magnussen: Not without being more indiscreet than I believe is appropriate.
John Garvie (Tim Wallers): Do you think it right that a newspaper proprietor, a private individual and, in fact, a foreign national, should have such regular access to our Prime Minister?
Magnussen: I don’t think it wrong that a private individual should accept an invitation. However, you have my sincerest apologies for being foreign.
Magnussen: May I join you?
Lady Smallwood: I don’t think it’s appropriate.
Magnussen: It isn’t.
Lady Smallwood: Mr. Magnussen, outside the inquiry we can have no contact—no communication—at all. {He grabs her hand} Please don’t do that.
Magnussen: In 1982, your husband corresponded with Helen Katherine Driscoll.
Lady Smallwood: That was before I knew him.
Magnussen: The letters were lively, loving, some would say explicit, and currently in my possession.
Lady Smallwood: Will you please move your hand.
Magnussen: “I long, my darling, to know the touch of your body.”
Lady Smallwood: I know what was in the letters.
Magnussen: She was 15.
Lady Smallwood: She looked older.
Magnussen: Oh, she looked delicious. We have photographs too. The ones she sent him. Yum yum.
Lady Smallwood: He was unaware of her age. He met her only once before the letters began. When he discovered the truth he stopped it immediately. Those are the facts.
Magnussen: Facts are for history books. I work in news.
Lady Smallwood: Your hand is sweating.
Magnussen: always, I’m afraid. I have a condition.
Lady Smallwood: It’s disgusting.
Magnussen: ah. I’m used to it.
Magnussen: I have the letters and therefore I have you.
Lady Smallwood: This is blackmail.
Magnussen: Of course it isn’t blackmail. This is… ownership.
Lady Smallwood: You do not own me.
Lady Smallwood: Magnussen. No one stands up to him. No one dares—no one even tries. There isn’t a man or woman in England capable of stopping that disgusting creature.
Watson: Is it Sherlock Holmes you want? Because I’ve not seen him in ages.
about a month.
Lady Smallwood: Who’s Sherlock Holmes?
Mary: See? That does happen.
Watson: There is nothing the matter with me! Imagine I said that without shouting.
Mary: I’m trying.
Watson: No, you can’t come. You’re pregnant.
Mary: You can’t go. I’m pregnant.
Bill Wiggins: Mental, you are.
Watson: Nope. Just used to a better class of criminal.
Janine: I haven’t told Mary about this. I kind of wanted to surprise her.
Watson: Yeah, I think you probably will.
Mrs. Hudson: That was the doorbell. Couldn’t you hear it?
Sherlock: It’s in the fridge. It kept ringing.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, that’s not a fault, Sherlock.
Sherlock: Mary, whatever he’s got on you, let me help.
Mary: Oh Sherlock. I swear, if you take one more step I will kill you.
Sherlock: No, Mrs. Watson. You won’t.
Janine: Just one thing. You shouldn’t have lied to me. I know what kind of man you are. We could have been friends.
Sherlock: I’ll take the case.
Mary: What case?
Sherlock: Yours.
Mycroft: Oh dear god it’s only two o’clock. It’s been Christmas Day for at least a week now. How can it only be two o’clock? I am in agony.
Mrs. Holmes: Mikey, is this your laptop?
Mycroft: Upon which depends the security of the free world, yes. And you’ve got potatoes on it.
Sherlock: …Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.
Mrs. Hudson: It was my husband’s cartel. I was just typing.
Sherlock: And exotic dancing.
Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock Holmes. If you’ve been YouTube-ing—
Watson: So that’s what you were? An assassin? How could I not see that?
Mary: You did see that. And you married me. Because he’s right. It’s what you like.
Magnussen: Let me explain how leverage works, Dr. Watson. For those that understand these things, Mycroft Holmes is the most powerful man in the country. Well. Apart from me.
Magnussen: Knowing is owning.
Watson: But if you just know it, then you don’t have proof.
Magnussen: Proof? What would I need proof for. I’m in news, you moron. I don’t have to prove it, I just have to print it.