Pilot
Eleanor Waldorf: Blair. If you’re going to wear one of my designs tell me so we can at least get it properly fitted.
Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester): Thanks mom. I’ll keep that in mind.
Blair: I love you, Nate Archibald. Always have, always will.
Nate Archibald (Chace Crawford): I love you too.
Eleanor at the door: Blair. It’s Serena!
Nate: Serena?
Blair: Serena’s at school. Kiss me.
Nate: No, I just heard your mom say she’s here. Don’t you want to go say hey?
Blair: Serena! So good to see you. Come, we’re about to have dinner.
Eleanor: I’ll set a place for you at the table next to Blair.
Serena: Yeah, actually, um, there’s somewhere I have to go.
Blair: You’re leaving?
Serena: Yeah, I don’t feel well. I just wanted to come by and say hi. I’ll see you at school tomorrow. {she leaves}
Blair: School. So I guess she’s back for good.
Kati: Didn’t you know she was coming?
Blair: Of course I did. I just wanted it to be a surprise.
Serena: So. When’s the party?
Blair: Saturday. And you’re kinda not invited. Since until twelve hours ago everyone thought you were at boarding school. And now we’re full. Jenny used up all the invites.
Jenny: Um. Actually…
Blair: You can go now. {Jenny leaves} Sorry.
Serena: No, that’s okay. I’ve got a lot of stuff to do anyway.
Blair: Well we should get going then. Unless you want us to wait for you. Looks like you’ve got a lot of yogurt left.
Serena: So how’s your mom doing with the divorce and everything?
Blair: Great. So my dad left her for another man. She lost fifteen pounds, got an eye lift. It’s been good for her.
Serena: I’m really sorry.
Blair: Yeah, I could tell. Since you didn’t call or write the entire time it was happening.
Blair: Do you know how it felt calling your house when you didn’t show up at school and having your mom say, “Serena didn’t tell you that she moved to Connecticut?”
Serena: I just, I had to go. I needed to get away from everything…. Please just trust me.
Blair: How can I trust you when I feel like I don’t even know you.
Serena: Let’s fix that. I saw you at school with Kati and Iz, and I get it. I don’t want to take any of that away from you—
Blair: Because it’s just yours to take away, isn’t it.
Serena: No, that’s not what I mean, I… I miss you. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be.
Serena: I love you, B.
Blair: I love you too, S.
Blair: What’s wrong?
Nate: Look, I don’t know how to say this—or if it’s even the right thing to do—but… there’s something I need to tell you.
Blair: But that was it? You guys kissed? {Nate’s silent}
Nate: Look, Blair. I really hurt you. And I know that. And I wanna fix it.
Blair: Really? And how are you going to do that?
Nate: I’m going to put everything in the past. I’m not going to see Serena again or even talk to her. It’ll be like she doesn’t exist.
Blair: I think that’s a good idea. Let’s not mention it again.
Eleanor: Blair, you will never be more beautiful or thin or happy than you are right now. I just want you to make the most of it.
Blair: I guess I have time to change.
Eleanor: And put some product in your hair. The ends are dry.
Blair: She better not show her face again.
Chuck: I’m actually hoping she will.
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The Wild Brunch
Serena: Hey. I got two bone-dry caps and Audrey.
Blair: I must have totally blanked on the part where I invited you over.
Serena: I called you. Blair, it’s Sunday morning. Coffee, croissants, Breakfast at Tiffany’s. It’s our tradition.
Blair: I have new traditions now.
Serena: Well they’re not traditions if they’re new.
Serena: Look Blair. I’m really trying to make an effort here. I thought everything was good between us.
Blair: It was. Until I found out you had sex with my boyfriend.
Serena: How’d you find out?
Blair: Nate told me. At least he felt he owed it to me to tell the truth.
Serena: I don’t know what to say.
Blair: Don’t bother saying anything. I wouldn’t believe you anyway. You know, I always knew you were a whore. I never took you for a liar too.
Serena: Blair. How can I fix this?
Blair: You don’t. Serena. You just stay away. From me. My boyfriend. And my friends. You’re done here.
Jenny: Is he saying things? Is anyone?
Blair: Hm… no. Not yet anyway. Chuck likes to brag about his conquests, not his victims.
Blair: Hi. I’m Blair Waldorf, Serena’s friend.
Dan: Oh hey. Yeah. Do you happen to know where she is?
Blair: As a matter of fact I do.
Serena: Blair!
Dan: Serena, there you are. Where were you?
Blair: She was waiting in a hotel room for my boyfriend.
Serena: To talk.
Nate: About why we weren’t talking.
Blair: That doesn’t sound any smarter the second time.
Dan: Why weren’t you talking? Does this have anything to do with why you were waiting for Serena this morning?
Blair: You were what?
Chuck: And here I thought you were waiting for me.
Dan: Oh exactly what this situation needs: Chuck. Now what is going on here?
Blair: We were just getting to that.
Serena: Blair, please, don’t do this.
Blair: Sorry, did you want to tell him?
Chuck: I’ll tell him.
Serena and Nate: You know?
Chuck: I know everything.
Dan: And apparently I know nothing.
Serena: Look, Dan, it was a long time ago and I regret it.
Chuck: Look, Serena, stop trying to pretend you’re a good girl. So you slept with your best friend’s boyfriend. I kind of admire you for it.
Dan: Is that true?
Blair: Oh, then she ran away. And lied about it. I just thought you should know. Before you fall head over heels for your perfect girl in her perfect world and then get left all alone with nothing but your Cabbage Patch kid.
Nate: Cabbage Patch?
Dan: Did you talk to my sister?
Chuck: Ah, yes. Little Jenny. I do believe she and I have some unfinished business.
Dan: You stay away from her.
Chuck: Poor Daniel. So little time, so many sluts to defend. {Dan pushes him}
Dan: It’s fine, it’s fine. Everyone can stop looking. He’s a jerk. But… it’s my fault and I’m leaving.
Serena: I’ll go with you.
Dan: Actually I prefer if you didn’t.
Nate: I hope you’re happy.
Blair: Not even close.
Chuck: Looks like it’s just you and me. Apparently my room’s available.
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Poison Ivy
Serena: I really want to believe that was an accident.
Blair: Then you must be delusional.
Ref: Running out of colors here, Blair.
Serena: And I’m running out of patience. That’s enough.
Blair: It’s enough when I say it’s enough.
Blair: No one likes to be on the ground floor of a scandal like Chuck Bass.
Chuck: I am a bitch when I want to be.
Blair: What is she doing there?
Chuck: What is anyone doing there. It’s a facility for the disturbed or addicted.
Blair: You must have your own wing.
Chuck: You don’t get nearly enough credit for your wit.
Blair: It’s because of their excellent program which aids so many addicts and alcoholics that a student here with us today is clean and sober. At least for now. Can I please have Serena van der Woodsen join me on stage?
Serena: Look I’m asking you, please, I’ll stop if you will.
Blair: You’re just saying that because today you lost. And you’re going to keep losing. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a future to get back to.
Blair: Erik, I didn’t—
Eric: See that coming? Yeah. Well it must be a shock for someone who thinks she knows everything.
Blair: Whenever something’s bothering you I can always find you here.
Serena: Here for another cat fight? What’s that?
Blair: A letter. I wrote it to you when you were away at boarding school. I never sent it.
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Bad News Blair
Blair: That was disgusting. The DOH should shut them down.
Serena: The bathroom?
Blair: No, the people. It’s called Nolita not No Showers. to Dan: What are you doing here? Do I smell pork? And… cheese? Okay, well when you’re done with you charity work why don’t you come find me.
Dan: Can I just please talk to Serena?
Blair: Apparently you can, Cabbage Patch.
Serena: Posh Spice in America. Ready go!
Blair: That’s Cyborg Spice to you.
Serena: Look, Blair. I encouraged you to do this. Why would I try to steal something from you that I pushed you to do.
Blair: Because you take everything from me—Nate, my mom. You can’t even help it. It’s who you are. I just thought this time it’d be different.
Blair: Serena send you here to talk to me?
Dan: No, believe it or not I actually came here myself.
Blair: Normally I wouldn’t be this close to you without a tetanus shot.
Blair: Did you choose Serena over me? You could have picked a stranger. You didn’t have to choose my best friend.
Eleanor: You’ve always been my biggest supporter, my biggest fan.
Blair: I’m your daughter.
Eleanor: And as my daughter I knew that you would forgive me, in time. But if my company had lost this deal because of you I’d never forgive myself.
Blair: I hope you never do.
Dan making a date with Serena: Friday. 8 o’clock.
Blair: I think we can agree to those terms. But you can’t wear those shoes. Mm. Or that hair.
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Dare Devil
Blair: What was that I heard? Eric’s coming home? That’s perfect timing.
Serena: How so?
Blair: Well it gives your mother and brother time to bond alone tonight while you get drunk on Schnapps and moon the NYU dorms from the limo.
Serena: Blair, what are you talking about?
Blair: S., it’s only the most important night of the Fall.
Serena: Oh. The sleepover.
Blair: I prefer soirée. Sleepover is so sophomore year.
Serena: Look, I’m really sorry but this date is unbreakable. Maybe we can swing by later or something. I—
Blair: I’m not a stop along the way. I’m a destination.
Blair: Little Jenny Humphrey. Why didn’t I think of you before? You have no plans. You’re coming to the soirée.
Jenny: Me? Really?
Kati and Iz: Her? Really?
Blair as Jenny tries on outfits: Too Beyoncé. Too Mary-Kate. Too Hannah Montana.
Blair: As my mother always says, “Fashion knows not of comfort. All that matters is the face you show the world.” And your face looks like it’s going to Bat Mitzvah. But before we continue the renovation grabs a martini glass Martini.
Jenny: Oh, no thanks. I don’t like vodka.
Blair: Well, that’s nice. Because this is gin.
Intake Nurse: What drugs have you been taking?
Blair: Mm… caffeine. Nicotine. Ketamine. GHB. PCP. LSD. Dir- Diazepam. Lorazepam. All the pams, really. I don’t discriminate.
Intake Nurse: Apparently not.
Blair: C’mon let’s go. I heard you were bored and I… figured I owed you one.
Eric: Yeah, try 50.
Blair: Okay, c’mon. Get a move on. C’mon.
Wall Street: Hey, Baby. You wanted to, ah, maybe show me to the bathroom, get lost somewhere around coat check?
Blair: My answer is usually never say never. But for you I’ll make an exception.
Blair: Look at the Hedge Fund Mafia in here. I thought matchy-matchy was over.
Dan to Jenny: What are you even doing here? You’re supposed to be at a sleepover.
Amanda: You made out with a girl from a sleepover?
Dan: You made out with him?
Wall Street: No. I made out with her.
Blair: Ew. It was a dare.
Amanda: A dare? What are you, children?
Dan: Yeah, pretty much. She’s fourteen.
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The Handmaiden’s Tale
Serena: A masked ball? Dan would never want to go to something that pretentious. Where he has to wear a mask and a tux—
Blair: He likes you. He would wear a tux and a mask and one of my mother’s dresses if it meant that he could go out with you .
Blair: Is it a bong, mother? I didn’t take you for a stoner.
Blair: Why do you have to celebrate your Bendel’s deal by turning our penthouse into an opium den?
Eleanor: Why not.
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Victor/Victrola
Blair: You want your dad to invest in a strip joint. How Midtown.
Chuck: A burlesque club. A respectable place where people can be transported to another time. Where they can feel free to let loose. No judgment. Pure escape . What happens at Victrola stays at Victrola.
Blair: Oh that is so sweet! I prefer the Gold Collection. But thanks.
Eleanor: You need to look elegant for the Archibald dinner tomorrow night. So what do you think?
Blair: Yes, it would be very nice if I was sailing up on the Mayflower.
Blair to Jenny: Why are you not happy for me?
Jenny: Yesterday wasn’t the first time I talked to Nate. At the ball he told me he wasn’t over Serena.
Blair: Why would he tell you that?
Jenny: Because I was wearing her mask. And he thought I was her. And he kissed me.
Blair: That’s enough.
Jenny: Blair, I didn’t want you to find out.
Blair: You’re dismissed, Jenny. For good.
Blair to Nate: You should deal with your father. He needs you. And you know what? I don’t.
Blair: You know, I got moves.
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Seventeen Candles
Blair: After being broken up with my boyfriend for exactly 20 minutes, I succumbed to inebriation, performed at a speakeasy, and surrendered my virtue to a self-absorbed ass. The only good news is that he’s a total pig who’ll act it never happened. Thank god. Sorry. Truthfully I’m not even Catholic.
Priest: You don’t say.
Blair: You don’t grant birthday wishes, do you?
Priest: I’m a priest, not a genie.
Blair: You sound like a jealous boyfriend.
Chuck: Yeah right. You wish.
Blair: No. You wish.
Chuck: Please. You forget who you’re talking to.
Blair: So do you. Do you… like me?
Chuck: Define like.
Blair: You have got to be kidding. I do not believe this.
Chuck: How do you think I feel? I haven’t slept. I feel sick, like there’s something in my stomach. Fluttering.
Blair: Butterflies? Oh no no no. This is not happening.
Chuck: No one is more surprised or ashamed than I am.
Blair: Chuck. You know that I adore all of God’s creatures and the metaphors that they inspire. But, those butterflies? Have got to be murdered.
Serena: Blair this is Dan’s friend, Vanessa.
Vanessa: Wow, you didn’t mention they were so nice. Now I get it.
Blair: Oh sweetie, you did not tell me she looked like that. This is such a problem.
Chuck: 12:01. I’m sorry.
Blair: No. You’re smarmy. There’s a difference.
Blair: I’m not in the mood, Chuck. This is pretty much the worst birthday ever.
Chuck: Maybe it can be salvaged.
Blair: What is that, our sex tape?
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Blair Waldorf Must Pie!
Blair: I mean, who gets wasted on Thanksgiving?
Serena: The holidays are lonely for people. I wanted to keep ’em company.
Blair: Where is your purse?
Serena: Uh. My purse…
Blair: Great. Alright. You stay here. Okay? I’m gonna go look. Don’t drink. Or… hit on anything.
Serena: Look at you. Quite the chipper sous chef.
Blair: Well I’m in a good mood. It happens. Sometimes because I increase my Lexapro, sometimes because my dad’s in town.
Serena: And sometimes, mostly, because things are good with a boy. You and Nate get back together?
Blair: You mean since GG published pictures of him and some skank?
Serena: So that’s a no. What’s Chuck doing today?
Blair: Why are you asking me?
Serena: Well you guys are friends. And Blair, look you know you can tell me anything. I’d be the last person to judge anyone.
Blair: With good reason.
Serena: Blair, I saw you with Chuck.
Blair: I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean sleeping with him once, maybe I could understand. But twice?
Serena: Wait, you slept with him?
Blair: Sh!
Serena: Euch, Blair!
Blair: What happened to no judging?
Serena: I’m not, but I thought you wanted to wait. I thought you wanted to make things special.
Blair: Oh, so Nate gets the free pass and I’m the slut?
Serena: Tell me you didn’t sleep with Chuck for revenge.
Blair: Well it wasn’t because I like his natural musk. And besides, nothing hurts more than sleeping with a best friend. Right S?
Serena: Way to prove a point.
Blair: Well I learned from the master.
Serena: If you’re sleeping with Chuck, I’d say the student’s become the master.
Blair: Are you jealous? You didn’t get to sleep with him first? There had to be somebody left on the Upper East Side.
Eleanor: Everyone is getting ready for our lovely dinner. And you should be too.
Blair: Everyone except Daddy. Where is he?
Eleanor: I thought you knew.
Blair: Knew what?
Eleanor: Your father isn’t coming. He didn’t tell you?
Eleanor: When are you going to get it through your head? He left us.
Blair: He left you.
Serena: Hey guys, I’m back and I brought Blair.
Blair: Hey.
Serena: Wow. Weird vibe. Okay. Where’s Dan?
Blair: You know what’s really weird? There is a garage door in the middle of your room.
Blair: If you think about it, it makes total sense that your mom is a groupie. I mean only a woman that had completely satisfied her sexual appetite in her youth would ever marry your step-dads.
Serena: Blair, can we not talk about my mom’s appetite?
Dan: Or who satisfied it.
Dan to Blair: See you later, Waldorf.
Eleanor: Blair, I know I shouldn’t have lied to you about your father.
Blair: That never stopped you before.
Eleanor: True. But the real truth. Divorce papers. From your father. I’m supposed to sign them. I haven’t yet.
Blair: Mom. He’s living in Europe. With a man. You can’t be all that surprised that he wants a divorce.
Eleanor: I’m not. But what I am surprised about is how it makes me feel. He was my husband, after all. He was my Harold. For almost 20 years. I couldn’t face him during the holidays. It was always our happiest time.
Blair: Why didn’t you just tell me that?
Eleanor: Let you choose between the two of us? I wonder who would have won that battle. I would have been entirely alone. Although… I was anyway.
Lily: Too much turkey?
Blair: Um. Uh huh.
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Hi, Society
Blair: I’m actually glad I’m going with Prince Theodore instead of Nate. The further we get from the breakup, the more self-involved I see he was. Always so brooding, so tortured. Ugh. A girl wants Romeo, not Hamlet.
Serena: Romeo died.
Blair: Yeah, but he died for something exciting. And I want my debutante ball to be something to die for.
Blair: Nate, after what you pulled on my birthday the only thing we should be doing together is moving on.
Nate: Yeah, I know. Look, I haven’t worn this sweater in like forever and I just pulled it out today and I found this.
Blair: It’s my pin. I sewed it there so you’d always have my heart on your sleeve.
Nate: I know. You know I figured you might need it back or something, if…
Blair: No. It was a gift. The prince will understand. Maybe we should go to the ball together. As friends.
Nate: Absolutely.
Blair: But only as friends.
Nate: Just friends.
Nate: Who are you and what did you do with Blair Waldorf?
Blair: Not bad Archibald. Almost forgot how handsome you are.
Chuck: What the hell are you doing with Carter Baizen?
Blair: He left his jacket here yesterday and I’d rather you be gone when he got here. There’s been enough scenes for today.
Blair: If you don’t pull it together I’m gonna go Naomi Campbell on you.
Blair: You make me sick. This thing between us, it’s over. For good.
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Roman Holiday
Blair: Roman is a phase. My father belongs here with me. He only left New York to ride out the scandal. Time to come home, don’t you think?
Blair: Hey, did you want to ask me something?
Serena: Yes. A gift idea for Dan now that Vanessa got him the most thoughtful, Dan-like present ever.
Blair: Why don’t you just buy him a new outfit for Cedric and call it a day?
Chuck’s voicemail: Leave a message and I might listen to it.
Blair: Chuck, you are not answering my calls. To torture me, I am sure. But please, for the love of God, do not tell anybody about us. Okay?
Blair: Vanessa, I think I’d like to help with this little project. would you come and help me find another pair of scissors? It’s so nice what you’re doing for your friend Dan. Helping his girlfriend make his Christmas present. Serena is so grateful because she likes to see the best in people. Me? I like to see the truth.
Vanessa: Yeah? What’s that?
Blair: I think you like Dan a little too much. Just thought I should let you know someone’s watching. Merry Christmas.
Blair: I think my work’s done here.
Blair: Your house in France. It’s very nice, Daddy. I’m sure you and Roman will totally enjoy it.
Harold: And so will you. Because this— is your room.
Blair: It’s beautiful.
Harold: We already decorated it just for you.
Blair: A cat.
Harold: A cat. Named Cat. Like in your favorite movie. It was Roman’s idea.
Blair: What’s going on?
Harold: We’re back for Christmas.
Eleanor: Well, Roman, you’re in for a treat. Because a Waldorf Christmas is like no other.
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School Lies
Blair: Good catching up.
Blair: Enough with the blackmail. Aren’t you bored already? I can’t avoid Nate forever.
Chuck: Excuse me. I didn’t say “forever”. Just until the sight of the two of you together doesn’t turn my stomach.
Blair: And when would that be?
Chuck: Only time will tell, I’m afraid. So unless you want dear Nathaniel to know how you lost your virginity to me in the back of a moving vehicle, I encourage patience and restraint.
Blair: Isn’t there someone else you could torture?
Chuck: Probably. But I choose you.
Blair: So we all know how this works.
Chuck: No one talks, no one gets into trouble.
Nate: Who did break in, anyway?
Chuck: Guess we don’t have to worry about Nate cracking under pressure.
Blair: So are we all agreed?
Dan: Look Blair, I know you had your sights set on Yale but this Skull and Bones thing is a little much, don’t you think?
Blair: Maybe. But it works. Every time.
Headmistress Queller: I reviewed your record. It’s pristine. If Constance had a shining star, it’s Blair Waldorf. I would never have expected this from you.
Blair: I know. I’m the perfect one.
Blair: You are so naive. Michael Moore over there is obviously just using this film to get close to Dan.
Blair: You and I just can’t happen right now.
Nate: Why not?
Blair: I don’t want to be with you.
Nate: Good catching up.
Vanessa: I know this may come as a shock. But not everyone operates from an agenda. In fact some people do things simply because it’s the decent thing to do. Smash it, burn, whatever. There are no copies.
Blair: What about the one you gave to Chuck?
Vanessa: It’s blank. Which I’m sure he will be thrilled to discover. And having observed you in your natural habitat these last few days, Nate seems like one of the good guys. And you seem to really care about him.
Vanessa: You talked to my landlord?
Blair: I don’t speak Ukrainian.
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The Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate
Serena: Did you get my text?
Blair: Of course. Yes, I did.
Serena: So then you know I told Dan I’m not pregnant.
Blair: Yes. And I am so happy for you. Close call, huh?
Serena: Are we really gonna play that old game, B?
Blair: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Serena: Whenever something happens that’s not a part of your plan you pretend like it doesn’t exist. You act like you’re in this movie about your perfect life then I have to remind you the only one watching that movie is you. You admitted that your period was late.
Blair: Yes. I’ve been very stressed. I had that chem test on Friday.
Serena: And you acted like a total bitch because you’re not hormonal.
Blair: Maybe I am a total bitch. Did you ever think about that?
Serena: Just take the test, B.
Blair: Stop it.
Serena: Just take the test. You need to know if you and Chuck are going to have a baby.
Blair: Nathaniel Archibald. You’ve never asked me for anything. And here you are officially leaning on me. This time we’re going to be so much better together.
Nate: We already are.
Serena: Anybody notice the weather today?
Blair: What?
Serena: Take a look outside, B. My First Response would be that the sky is a Clear Blue Easy.
Blair: I’m not pregnant. I command myself not to be pregnant.
Blair: I took the test. I’m not pregnant.
Serena: Oh, I’m so happy. I would have no idea what to wear to a paternity hearing.
Blair: Game over.
Chuck: Game’s not over ’til I say it is.
Blair: Then have fun playing with yourself.
Nate: What are you doing here?
Blair: Your mom let me in.
Nate: I didn’t ask how you got in, I asked why you came.
Blair: To talk. About us.
Nate: There is no us, Blair.
Blair: Yes there is. We finally really have a chance to start over.
Nate: You know all this time I felt so bad for everything I’d done. And when you said you wanted to leave the past in the past I didn’t know we were talking about your past.
Blair: You had just broken my heart. I made a decision I was in no condition to make.
Nate: But you’re clear-headed now, right?
Blair: Yes.
Nate: Then understand perfectly when I say I want nothing else to do with you, Blair.
Blair: You told your low rent boyfriend and he told his social climbing sister who wears my hand me downs and she blabbed to Nate.
Blair: I can’t believe you don’t get it. The rules are different for the Serena van der Woodsens of the world. People expect you to party, and be wild, sleep with whoever you want, run away, come back.
Serena: Wait, are we really going back there?
Blair: You shot your reputation to hell a long time ago. It doesn’t matter what you do. But I’m a Waldorf.
Serena: Well since you and your reputation obviously don’t need me and my low rent taste, you and the Waldorf name can weather this storm alone.
Blair: With pleasure.
Stepsitter1: Blair, given that you can barely manage your own messy affairs surely you’re not in a position to tell anyone where they can and can’t eat.
Blair: Do you realize who you’re talking to?
Stepsitter2: You mean a self-righteous bitch who always sat on her own high horse judging everyone else?
Stepsitter1: Pregnant little hypocrite.
Blair: Not that it’s any of your business but I’m not pregnant.
Stepsitter2: Nate must be thrilled.
Stepsitter1: Chuck too.
Blair: Jenny. It is highly unlikely that I will ever forgive you for going to Nate. But if you walk away from me now I will also ruin you.
Jenny: How are you gonna do that?
Blair: I came to congratulate you in person. You ruined my relationship with Nate, Serena, all of my friends. Even little Jenny thinks she’s too good for me. So, Bravo. Just like you wanted. I have no one to turn to but you.
Chuck: Actually, you don’t even have me.
Blair: Enough.
Chuck: I’ll try to be more succinct. You held a certain fascination when you were beautiful, delicate and untouched. But now you’re like one of the Arabians my father used to own. Rode hard and put away wet. I don’t want you anymore. And I can’t see why anyone else would.
Eleanor: You okay?
Blair: I’d be a lot better if I could spend a semester going to school in France.
Eleanor: A semester? Well, I already talked to Harold about a visit and he was thrilled.
Blair: So can I go?
Eleanor: Now?
Blair: Mom, please try.
Eleanor: Blair, I am very concerned.
Blair: So book a flight.
Eleanor: We’ll get you out tomorrow.
Blair: Thank you.
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The Blair Bitch Project
Dorota: Club Bed is over. First day back to school.
Blair: I can’t, Dorota. I don’t feel very well.
Dorota: Serena come to get you soon.
Blair: Call her and cancel! And cover my mirrors. I’m in mourning for my former life.
Blair: At least you get to wake up from your nightmare. I’m living in mine.
Blair: How do you manage to get out of everything unscathed?
Serena: Because I’m nice. You should try it sometime. Um, c’mon, compliment me. Tell me my hair looks beautiful.
Blair: But your hair looks disgusting. Did you even shower?
Serena: B, I say this out of love. But your being a bitch is what got dairy in your hair in the first place.
Operator: Information. City and State please.
Blair: Brooklyn. I think it’s in New York.
Blair: Excuse me. This feels private. So I’m gonna head out now. I have a table at Butter. Reservations under Waldorf in case there’s an after-party.
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Desperately Seeking Serena
Blair: Nelly Yuki must be destroyed.
Serena: Why do you keep saying her name?
Blair: Because it’s Nelly Yuki.
Blair: So what’s it going to be? Aroma therapy? Or annihilation?
Penelope: What’s the plan?
Blair: Hey S. I’m just sipping a Ginkgo Biloba Blend and wondering how your stomach migraine is. Call me so I don’t worry.
Blair: Lucky for us mental acuity and common sense rarely come in the same package.
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All About My Brother
Blair: A nice shiny dime to add to your collection.
Jenny: Why the fruit cup, B? Lost your taste for yogurt?
Serena: It’s a snub from one party, B. What’s the big deal anyway? You didn’t even like Asher.
Blair: I didn’t like last season’s Louis Vuitton patchwork bag either but that doesn’t mean I want to see it all over town on Jenny Humphrey’s arm.
Serena: Touché.
Serena: What’s wrong? You look stressed, even for you.
Dan: I’m still worried about Jenny
Blair: You mean because she’s self-obsessed, self-serving, self-centered, self-
Dan: No. no. Ah, I wish it was about her— her self. But it’s more about who she’s with. I can’t get through to her. I tried and she just completely blew me off. And she dissed my pants.
Blair: Maybe I underestimated her.
Serena: She’s just going through a phase. We all went through it. And apparently some of us are still in it.
Blair: All that matters to someone like Jenny right now are the four G’s: guys, girlfriends and Gossip Girl.
Serena: It’s true. Don’t feel bad. Unless it’s coming from one of them she’s not going to hear it.
Jenny: Low blow.
Blair: Wasn’t me. Wish it was.
Blair: Dan Humphrey. Just who I hate to admit I was looking for. You’re dirty.
Dan: What are you talking about?
Blair: Cheating, drinking, drugs. It’s all fair game. But outing your sister’s boyfriend is dark. How did Squeaky Clean Humphrey even come up with that?
Dan: I didn’t come up with anything.
Blair: Oh my god. You know something. Spill it.
Dan: Yeah, I might have seen Asher kissing another guy.
Blair: So it’s true? Who was he kissing?
Dan: I don’t know, I couldn’t see. But why does that even matter?
Blair: Right now Gossip Girl’s credibility is the same as Tinsley Mortimer’s after a few martinis.
Blair: Whoever said that money doesn’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
Blair: It was once said that a person’s eyes are windows into their soul. That was before people had cell phones.
Blair: Watch and learn, Ladies. The most important parties to attend are the ones you’re not invited to.
Blair: Thought you might want this back.
Asher: Whatever you found, it’s not what it looks like.
Blair: It’s always what it looks like. And judging by the texts and photos look’s like a little more than a friendship.
Asher: What are you going to do with them?
Blair: Well, lucky for you, your “friend” is someone I actually care about or I would have used them against you and Jenny already. Too bad you don’t care about him the same way.
Asher: What did you just do?
Blair: You’ll see.
Blair: My my. If it isn’t Little J, risen from the ashes.
Jenny: I came to tell you in person: you win.
Blair: Sweetie, we just started to play.
Blair: What is it?
Serena: I killed someone.
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Woman on the Verge
Gossip Girl: Spotted: Lonely Boy on the Upper East Side. Learning the lesson that nothing stays missing forever. Things always turn up. For better.
Nate: Well is something actually wrong or is this just a ploy to get us both here?
Blair: I meant what I said on the phone. I need your help. We need your help.
Or for worse.
Chuck: So we have every hangover cure known to man. Plus bagels. This should help soak up the alcohol and—
Blair: Thank you, I’ll take it from here.
Chuck: What exactly did she say to you?
Blair: That’s beside the point. We’re gonna help Serena no matter what the problem is.
Dan: Are you really going to stop me from seeing my girlfriend?
Serena: I can’t believe I just did that.
Nate: And why did you? I mean, did you cheat on Dan?
Serena: No. I remember last night. I didn’t do anything.
Blair: Then why would you say that to him?
Serena: Because I would rather have Dan think I cheated on him than know what I really did.
Nate: What you really did?
Serena: Dan puts me on a pedestal. If he knew the truth he would never look at me again.
Chuck: You’re starting to scare even me. What did you do?
Nate: C’mon, you can tell us.
Blair: We’ve seen you with vomit and hanging out with investment bankers in the men’s room of PJ Clarke’s. You don’t have to hide anything from us.
Nate: She’s right Serena. None of us are saints.
Blair: Yeah, I had sex with him in the back of a limo.
Chuck: Several times.
Nate: I had sex with you at a wedding . Once.
Chuck: I’m Chuck Bass.
Blair: You can tell us anything. We don’t judge. We’re the non-judging Breakfast Club. We’re your best friends. Anything you do is something we did too.
Serena: What I tell you can never leave this room.
Serena: Well something happened the night of the Shepherd wedding.
Blair: I think we’re all aware what happened that night.
Serena: No, something else. Something I’ve tried to escape but Georgina won’t let me. And now she’s blackmailing me.
Nate: Blackmailing you?
Chuck: With what exactly?
Serena: Well it started when Blair thought you and I had too much to drink. She told us to go outside, get some air, sober up. Instead we went into the empty bar, bottle of champagne—
Blair: We can skip that part, okay.
Chuck: Go ahead. I’ll fill in later.
Serena: I didn’t know what to do. I just knew I had to leave right away. I took a train heading North and I got a room and convinced my mom that boarding school was a good idea and—
Blair: Never said goodbye. It makes sense now.
Blair: Don’t send her away.
Lily: Blair it’s not polite to interrupt.
Blair: I don’t care who hears. Just don’t send her away.
Lily: Thank you, Blair. But it’s not exactly your business what I do with my daughter. If anything, you’re one of the reasons I’m having to take such strong action.
Blair: I say this with all due respect, Lily. But you have no idea what your daughter’s been going through. She’s in a lot of pain. And I don’t think the pain’s going to go away if she goes away.
Lily: I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.
Blair: Serena has a secret. And she’s been holding onto it for a long long time.And now it’s finally catching up with her. I’m out of my league here. I can’t do any more than I’ve done. And it’s not enough. She needs you.
Lily: I saw the video. She needs boundaries.
Blair: What you saw isn’t the whole story.
Nate: Hey, I only have a second. I’m on my way to Queens.
Blair: Ugh. Gross. Why?
Nate: To meet Vanessa at a concert.
Blair: It got grosser.
Chuck: What’s gotten into you?
Blair: What if I told you I knew where Georgina Sparks was right now?
Chuck: I’d say let’s get the bitch.
Serena: What are you doing here?
Blair: Um. I’m a big Lincoln Hawk fan.
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Much “I Do” About Nothing
Blair: Who? What? When? Where? Why?
Chuck: We were up late plotting against Georgina. We must have dozed off.
Blair: And you were on the floor.
Chuck: I didn’t want to hurt my back.
Blair: Why? It’s not like you ever do anything athletic.
Chuck: Well that’s not entirely true, now is it?
Blair: Fine. Nothing that requires removing your scarf.
Chuck: It was one time. It was chilly.
Blair: Enough about the past. Before you landed in my bed we actually landed on a good idea.
Chuck: Well I trust you can take it from here. I have a Best Man’s speech to write and no time to write it.
Blair: Don’t worry. I can be bitch enough for both of us.
Chuck: I still have the scars on my back to prove it. She pushes him You know they say if you love something you should set it free.
Blair: They say when you hate something you should slam the door in its face.
Chuck: I love it when you talk dirty, Blair.
Dan: This is so weird. I don’t normally do plots against people.
Blair: Don’t worry virgin, I’ll talk you through it.
Blair: Humphrey, you are a born liar.
Dan: Thanks, I think.
Blair: All that stuff you said about last night was genius. Anything you want to tell me?
Dan: Uh, no. Just born to lie.
Georgina: So you’re just going to go back to Serena like nothing happened and just leave me all alone?
Blair: Oh, you’re not alone Georgina. I’m here now. And I brought some people who really really want to see you. I think you remember your parents.
Georgina: Okay, um, mom, dad— This is not what you think. You have to believe me.
Blair: There there, Georgy, it’s gonna be okay.
Mrs. Sparks: No, this time it won’t.
Blair: Or it won’t. Your parents were so worried, G. They told me everything. How you were supposed to be on the equestrian circuit but sold your show pony for cocaine.
Georgina: That was a difficult time, but I put that behind me.
Blair: When? When you were in rehab? It’s hard to get clean when you hitchhike into town, steal a credit card, and book a ticket to Ibiza.
Georgina: You didn’t see where they sent me. I mean, that place was awful. It was in Utah. At least I lasted longer than Lohan.
Blair: Haven’t you heard? I’m the crazy bitch around here. Have fun at reform school.
Blair: Best Man’s speech going that well?
Chuck: Won’t be a dry eye in the house, trust me. How did things go with Whore-gina?
Blair: Not a dry eye there either.
Chuck: Good to know I wasn’t missed.
Blair: Dan Humphrey actually lent a hand. It was nice to see him get his dirty for once. Not sure how much fun he had though. No one ever enjoys their first time.
Chuck: Except you. Save me a dance?
Blair: Now that Georgina’s done so are you and I. She was the last thing we had in common. She knees him. Break a leg.
Chuck: I think I just did.
Blair: How rude! Can you believe how late she is?
Blair: Looks like Nate isn’t a fan of the fish. Or his date.
Vanessa: Blair, I’m with Nate and you’re at the singles table. Deal with it.
Blair: I just feel sorry for you is all. Dating an Archibald is a tortured process. The endless supply of family drama, the fact that he never really got over Serena. Though falling for someone who’s already in love with Serena. You already know how that feels don’t you?
Blair: That was quite a speech. All your work must have paid off.
Chuck: It wasn’t what I wrote. I was inspired in the moment. Look, I know I said some horrible things. Even for me.
Blair: You mean blogging to Gossip Girl about our sex life and comparing me to your dad’s sweaty old horse.
Chuck: What’s your point?
Blair: What’s yours?
Chuck: You don’t belong with Nate. Never have, never will.
Blair: You don’t belong with anyone.
Chuck: Let’s take it slow this time. Do it right.
Blair: Chuck Bass is a romantic. Who knew?
Chuck: Now you do. That’s all that matters.
One Week Later
Serena: So, Tuscany with Chuck. Sounds romantic. Minus the Chuck part.
Blair: He invited me. In his father’s private plane. And I was headed to France, so…
Serena: So it’s worth a week with Chuck to avoid airport security?
Blair: Oh, don’t worry. I’m going to frisk him.
Serena: Oh, gross.
Blair: What can I say. He brings out the worst in me. And weirdly I think I bring the best out in him.
Serena: What’s it going to take to get you to relax?
Blair: Chuck.
Serena: My ears are bleeding! Make it stop.