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Reversals of Fortune
Chuck: Uh uh.
Ashley: Why not?
Chuck: It’s better to wait.
Ashley: How long?
Chuck: Let’s see… now.
Blair: What the hell is going on?
Chuck: Blair, I can explain.
Ashley: I’m sorry, um, I didn’t know he had a girlfriend.
Chuck: Yes, you did. to Blair. She did.
Blair: Shame on you, Ashley Henshaw. How could you do that? Pick up someone in a relationship? Have you no pride, no self respect?
Ashley: Okay, but I didn’t know—
Blair: You may have an Abercrombie campaign and the security code to Clooney’s castle in Lake Como but that doesn’t give you the right to try and steal someone else’s man! Now take your American Girl hair and your poreless skin and get out!
Ashley: Okay, you’re crazy.
Chuck: Hey.
Blair: Hi. they kiss. [] 2 or 3 hours. I missed you.
Chuck: Let me make it up to you. Let’s get out of here.
Blair: Or we could stay.
Serena: Wait you do what? I go to Europe for three months and you turn from Jane Austen to Anais Nin. Is there anything Chuck Bass can’t get you to do?
Blair: It was my idea.
Serena: No, no it wasn’t.
Blair: Yes, it was. We had our honeymoon period and while other couples settle into routine we were determined to keep things interesting. So Chuck plays the cheating bastard and I play the scorned woman. I even get to choose who to humiliate. Models, tourists, Upper West Siders…
Blair: Summer was great. We had a lot of fun. Summer’s over.
Blair: How’s your tureen?
Chuck: Bland. How’s your julep?
Blair: Weak.
Blair: Humphrey! C’mon, it’s show time.
Vanessa: If you don’t mind Dan and I are in the middle of something.
Blair: If you don’t mind —or even if you do—Dan’s coming with me.
Dan: I have to go. I’m sorry.
Vanessa: So am I.
Carter: What the hell is this?
Blair: It’s a restraining order.
Carter: This says I have to stay away from Blair Waldorf.
Blair: Yeah. And until further notice you’ll find me by Serena’s side. Step within 100 feet of me and you’ll be arrested. And about how far do you think he is from me?
Dan: Oh he’s far enough.
Blair: I agree. Security!
Blair: Chuck, where is she?
Chuck: What are you talking about?
Blair: Do you really expect me to believe you don’t have her stashed here?
Chuck: I came back from the party because I have a headache. Didn’t you get my messages?
Blair: I must have left my phone on the table. What if we need games? What if without them we’re boring?
Chuck: We could never be boring.
Blair: You say that, but I know you. You’re Chuck Bass.
Chuck: I’m not Chuck Bass without you.
Blair: Running to get here all the way from Connecticut was pretty exciting. Do you know where Alexandra lives?
Chuck: How about we stay in instead.
The Freshmen
Chuck: I have to object to you living in the dorms. Fluorescent lighting, communal showers, public schoolgirls. There’s a place for that and it belongs in the back of a video store.
Blair: It’s not for long. I can’t rule the NYU masses from the Upper East Side. I need to spend time in the dorm to establish myself as queen.
Chuck: It’s not Constance, Blair. The only queens are the ones with tickets to see Liza at Carnegie Hall.
Blair: Chuck, I trust that when you say never drink absinthe with Daniel Baldwin you know what you’re talking about. But when I say the first week at college means scared, vulnerable freshmen to guide them that I know what I’m talking about.
Blair: Let’s make it clear from the start: we don’t know each other here.
Dan: Works for me.
Vanessa: Me too.
Blair: I can tell from look around this room that none of you are from New York City.
Student: Actually—
Blair: Riverdale doesn’t count.
Blair: So you’re not in love with Jesus anymore?
Georgina: Oh, I still hold him in my heart. But Jesus and I have redefined our relationship.
Blair: You mean He dumped you because he found out you were Satan.
Blair: Georgina, please. Nobody wants greasy pizza and Vanessa’s home movies when there’s a sushi and sake party right in the other room. Did I mention? Wasabi facials.
Georgina: Okay then.
Freshman: And shut the door.
Georgina: This paranoia has got to stop, Blair.
Blair: I am not paranoid. I’m right. Why else would you have formed an alliance with Vanessa. The one person I may hate more than you.
Georgina: It’s not an alliance, it’s a friendship. Unlike you, Vanessa’s cool and people like her. More than the girl that threw the fish party.
Blair: Sushi! There was toro!
Georgina: Face it Blair, once upon a time in a far off land you were a queen. Here you’re just a loser who will never fit in. So you won’t be needing that.
Blair: Thanks for bringing me Humphrey.
Dan: Yeah well. I would just like to think if I needed it, somebody would do the same for me. Though let’s be honest, we both know it wouldn’t be you. Oh. No headbands in college, okay?
Dan: Blair what the hell are you doing?
Blair: Georgina was turning everyone against me. You were just a casualty in the battle for social dominance. But don’t worry, your loyalty has been rewarded. Your name’s on the list at The Monkey Bar. to Vanessa Yours isn’t.
Vanessa: Georgina wasn’t turning people against you, Blair. You tried to bribe them into being your friend with sushi parties and gift bags and nobody liked it.
Blair: I don’t need these losers to like me in order to follow me. Fear works better anyway. Dan you’ve experienced Social Siberia. If you want to try something new, I’ll see you at Monkey Bar.
Blair: There’s a reason we never went downtown. It’s awful. The minute you cross 14th Street people forget there’s a class system.
Serena: B, you will find your place. Just give it time.
Blair: No I found my place and it’s at the bottom. It’s a point of pride now that I see who’s on top. Anyway it’s all turned out for the best. If I hadn’t been so distracted I would have been able to force you to go to Brown.
Serena: That’s sweet but no, you wouldn’t have. I am sorry about the disappearing act.
Blair: I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it up to me. In the handbag department at Bendel’s.
Blair: It was so much easier when it was just about where we sat on the Met steps.
Serena: We’ve been here, done this.
Blair: I was so good at it.
Serena: Well then it’s time for a new challenge. For both of us.
Blair: You were right about the dorms. The lighting is awful. You okay?
Chuck: I am now.
The Lost Boy
Blair: I know what this is. And don’t think you can run me out of my own room with a half-naked Dan Humphrey.
Georgina: Fine. Stay. Maybe you’ll learn something.
Dan: No that’s okay. I was just about to hit the trail.
Blair: It just so happens that I was on my way to a very important breakfast. I just stopped by to drop off my books and pick up my mail so feel free to hit the trail all you want. From Serena to Georgina? Quite a fall even for you.
Jenny: Dad, Scott’s been spending a lot of time here lately.
Rufus: Yeah he’s a good kid. Good guitar player too.
Serena: Where are you going?
Blair: No idea. I officially have nowhere left to go. My roommate is a nympho with a sock fetish, I have no friends at school, and now my boyfriend would rather obsess about a restaurateur than spend quality time with me. And hasn’t, by the way, in five days.
Serena: Le Table Elitaire?
Blair: It’s a secret society. How have you not heard of them?
Serena: It’s a secret society. If I’d heard of it it wouldn’t be a secret.
Blair: They’re modeled after Le Grande Ecole in France. Secret salons for the elite of academic institutions.
Blair: Chuck? How did you know I was here? Did you find me to apologize? That is so sweet.
Chuck: Not exactly. Though I am sorry. I know I have been all work lately.
Blair: If you didn’t find me what are you doing here?
Chuck: There’s a photograph I need that’s up for auction tonight.
Blair: Me too! My prayers have been answered. A secret collegiate society wants me. Initiation is easy. All you have to do is contribute to their Salon’s art collection as a fee, so—
Chuck: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Blair: I’m more of a Helmut Newton girl myself, but they want a vintage MacMillan. Who am I to argue.
Chuck: You see this guy in the photo? That’s Sean Macpherson. He has an entire wall of photos like this in his office. But procuring this one for him is the best way I can show him I have respect for his history.
Blair: Show him respect? He’s a club owner, not a mafia don.
Chuck: Guess Dorota’s counter-intelligence isn’t what it used to be.
Blair: Don’t change the subject! I can’t believe you lied to me. Trying to use sex to distract me.
Chuck: I learned from the best.
Blair: That photograph is mine! Blair storms out
Chuck: She stole my shoes?
Serena: B. What are you doing here?
Blair: Eyeing a photograph that’s up for auction tonight to get into La Table Elitaire. But Chuck wants it for some business deal. Can you believe that? Putting his own happiness above mine? What kind of boyfriend does that?
Blair: S. What are you doing?
Serena: What are you guys doing sabotaging Carter? Three bottles of ’95 Dom on his hotel room service bill. One of your favorites if I recall.
Chuck: So we started a stealth campaign to destroy his credibility. The room service bill, the girl on the street—
Blair: The warrant.
Serena: What warrant?
Blair: Well he might want to take a DNA sample down to the 24th Precinct tomorrow.
Dan de Fleurette
Chuck: Sure you said cram session and not the annual Waldorf sleep over?
Blair: Fine. I’m hosting the sleep over. But Jenny Humphrey is destroying everything I worked for. And those girls deserve to learn the meaning of aristocracy.
Chuck: We both know it’s not about that.
Blair: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Blair: Dorota, these martinis taste like tap water. Don’t be a Scrooge with the gin.
Dorota: Ms. Blair. This not right. Mr. Chuck and I both of the opinion—
Blair: And who cares what you and Mr. Chuck think?
Blair: Do you have any idea how much you humiliated me?
Chuck: I think you accomplished that with your little teeny bopper sleep over. NYU is hard, but Blair Waldorf does not give up.
Blair: I’m not giving up. I’ve made a strategic retreat.
Chuck: Potato, potah-to.
Blair: You don’t understand.
Chuck: I do understand. Let me help.
Blair: No, Chuck. NYU is not the Upper East Side. They don’t care about Constance or the social hierarchy. They don’t care that I’m Blair Waldorf. It’s over.
Chuck: And you’d do this to me?
Blair: What are you talking about?
Chuck: I’m Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You’re saying I’m easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual homesick malcontents. You’d really insult me like this?
Blair: That’s not how it is.
Chuck: That’s exactly how it is. So next time you forget you’re Blair Waldorf, remember: I’m Chuck Bass. And I love you.
Rufus Getting Married
Blair: The bloodsucker is back. I saw her coffin and telltale Louis Vuitton broom on the floor.
Nate: Vampire’s don’t ride brooms, Blair.
Blair: Leave it to Georgina to start a mutant strain.
Bree: You know my roommate and I didn’t see eye to eye at first. So one night I bought ice cream cone cupcakes from the treats truck and we bonded. She taught me how to say hello in Swahili. “Hujambo”.
Blair: Aw. Do you happen to know what the Swahili is for “Mind your own beeswax”? No reason of course. Just might be useful some day on safari.
Nate: Blair—
Chuck: So Bree, you went home last week.
Bree: Yeah. Tried to mend the “I’m dating a van der Bilt” fence. Didn’t work. We’re Southern, so family loyalty’s real big down there.
Blair: Like slavery. What? I’m joking. You know I’m joking, right Bree?
Nate: So you’re happy with Chuck. Don’t I deserve to be happy as well?
Blair: Trust me Nate. I know women. And none of us are that nice.
Blair: Carter is not who you think he is. I know you don’t like to discuss this but he wasn’t the cause of my spiral. Just a symptom. And he makes Serena truly happy. What is this? This is incredible.
Chuck: Buntautuk. I learned it from a master in Chiang Mai. Serena’s deluded. The guy’s not capable of genuine feelings.
Blair: He’s brought out a different side of her. All happy and domestic, nested up at my mother’s.
Chuck: Carter’s at your penthouse? Why wouldn’t you tell Bree that when you asked?
Blair: He got in last night. She just called me a few hours ago. Anyway, why would I tell that future NASCAR mom anything? I hate her. And the tractor she rode in on.
Chuck: What you hate is Nate moving on. Look I love you, but Nate liking Bree doesn’t make her a piranha. And Serena liking Carter doesn’t make him a prince.
Blair: Hey, where’re you going? I have tension!
Amalia: The Whitney is a no, Harvard Club a no. And Colicchio laughed in my face when I asked about Craft.
Blair: The only time I want to hear “no” is if Ruth Madoff wants an invite.
Blair: Go. Flit. Mingle.
Dan: Well this would be a perfect night except Georgina got away unscathed.
Blair: I wouldn’t be too certain about that.
Enough About Eve
Amalia: Vanessa’s giving the toast again. And she’s got some big pink claw thing.
Blair: Well I don’t know about that. However phase one is complete.
Chuck: I must confess. I missed our little game. Although your lady is late.
Blair: There she is now.
Chuck: She’s a guy.
Blair: Who took my speech at the freshman dinner and gave it to Vanessa Abrams. He double-crossed me. And I—
Chuck: Demand satisfaction.
Blair: You still up for it? My wonderful man. I’ll just go powder my nose for ten minutes.
Chuck: I don’t even need five.
Blair: Have you no sense of decency? Well you got your kiss.
Ellis: Number 27 on the Tribeca Scavenger Hunt: Kiss the Chuck Bass. Check.
Blair: I expect more from a representative of a college! And the toast?
Ellis: I’ll do the deal. It’s all yours. I should call Vanessa, break the bad news.
Blair: Oh allow me. We’re rivals but… friends at heart. ‘Til tonight. Out, you cable-knit Queen!
Chuck: You were late.
Blair: I got caught in a text flurry with Dorota. I’m sorry.
Chuck: I have to get Uptown for a dinner. I assume you’re skipping the parents thing.
Blair: I may pop in for Vanessa’s toast. Just for laughs. Are you upset because you kissed a guy?
Chuck: I’m upset because it’s somebody that wasn’t you. You really think I’ve never kissed a guy before?
Blair: Love me?
Chuck: Always.
Vanessa: So tell me once and for all. What makes you better than me?
Blair: Do you really want to know?
Vanessa: Yeah.
Blair: Everything. Generations of breeding and wealth had to come together to produce me. I have more in common with Marie Antoinette than with you. And granted you may be popular at some stuffy Ivy safety school, but the fact is the rabblerers still rabble and they need a queen.
Vanessa: You stole the toast.
Blair: I was willing to do what was necessary. Including lying to Chuck. The one person who trusts me more than anyone. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to give my toast.
Vanessa: Actually Blair. Congratulations. You just did.
Lily: Chuck is gone.
Blair: But I need to talk to him. I need to explain.
Lily: Blair, whatever you needed Chuck to do, do you really think he would have refused you?
Blair: No. He’d never say no. To anything. I messed up, didn’t I?
Lily: Yes. Yes you really did.
Blair: Lily, you’re supposed to say “Everything is going to be fine.” Where did you learn to give a pep talk, Guantanamo?
Lily: Blair. I understand a thing or two about ambitious women. But without trust you’re lost.
Blair: Why did we do all this?
Vanessa: You tell me.
Chuck: What do you want Blair?
Blair: Forgiveness. I’m so sorry Chuck. I made a mistake. I know there’s no excuse but, it’s just a kiss.
Chuck: The people you manipulate. I know how little respect you have for them.
Blair: But not you. I don’t feel that way about you. And I won’t ever do it again. I promise. It was a mistake.
Chuck: I’m in a meeting.
Blair: I’ll call you later.
Vanessa: You want it?
Blair: Thanks.
How to Succeed In Bassness
Blair: I was thinking an 80s theme. Although shoulder pads can be overwhelming on my delicate frame.
Chuck: This is a business, not a high school party.
Blair: I told you I was sorry for my little transgression and you forgave me. Now either make me kiss a girl already or let’s move on.
Chuck: I apologize. I’ve been on edge lately.
Blair: You’re still mad from before. It’s clouding your judgment.
Chuck: This is not about last week. It’s about you, Blair. It’s the reason why I couldn’t say “I love you.” It’s not a game. It’s because I knew I couldn’t trust you.
Blair: I did this because I love you.
Chuck: Be that as it may, I have a club to open. And you’re no longer invited.
Blair: Fine. S, c’mon. We’re leaving.
Serena: Blair, I’m sorry. I’m gonna stay with Chuck.
Blair: I’m giving you a chance to leave that Lizzie Grubman wannabe before you get run over.
The Grandfather: Part II
Blair: S. I hope you’re not here looking for an apology.
Serena: No, I was dropping something off to Olivia.
Blair: Oh that’s right. I momentarily forgot your job is more important than your friends.
Serena: Hey Blair.
Blair: Hey! Do you see that gorgeous blonde in Proenza Schouler talking to those high profile politicians? That’s my best friend Brandeis. She knows most of the personally.
Serena: Aw. That’s great. I mean political connections aren’t the first thing most people look for in friends.
Blair: They must really love her because when she introduced us they seemed thrilled to meet me. They even asked if we were sisters.
Serena: Well I can’t wait for you to meet Patrick. He’s over at the bar getting me a drink right now. I feel so lucky. He’s so attentive.
Blair: It doesn’t take much, does it? What? No one’s ever accused you of saying no.
Blair: You’re drifting away from Dan and your family and you’ve lost Nate. One of your oldest friends. This night is finally over. And as far as I’m concerned, so are we.
They Shoot Humphreys, Don’t They?
Blair: Who’s your escort?
Jenny: Jonathan Whitney.
Blair: Your brother’s boyfriend.
Blair: This is not like your wedding day. Cotillion only happens once.
Blair: Oh look. A Lost Boy from Lost Weekend.
Blair: I’m trapped in the elevator with someone who sucks all the air out of the room. Send help or I’ll be dead within the hour.
Chuck: Not until you two work things out.
Blair: Bass? This is a punishable offense! And not the kind of punishment you like.
Chuck: I’m only doing what you refuse to do yourself.
Blair: Not knowing you is your father’s loss.
Serena: Maybe, but I just can’t seem to let him go.
The Last Days of Disco Stick
Blair: Ugh. I don’t converse with liars or Lewinskis.
Blair: I have a question: how do I win over shallow and superficial actors?
Olivia: Calling them shallow and superficial didn’t work?
Blair: Don’t get too cocky, Humphrey. We still have your sub-par acting to deal with.
Blair: Dan. When girls live together sometimes their cycles sync up. No hormones—not your’s or their’s—will get in the way of my cabaret.
Well. Now that I’ve added a disco electric pop beat to Snow White’s love ballad and put your voices to autotune, it’s time to take over the land.
The Treasure of Serena Madre
Chuck: Fifteen hours. It’s a record. You haven’t mentioned Serena once.
Blair: Well for much of that time I was asleep. But since you’re asking, I’ve decided I’m putting her out of my mind. Besides, I have a far more cunning and deceptive adversary to deal with.
Chuck: And when does your mother land again?
Blair: Twenty minutes. Flying from Paris to escort me back. How dumb does she think I am? She has some bomb she wants to drop on me in a controlled environment surrounded by Air Marshals and French people.
Chuck: Amazing. The holiday paranoia truly knows no bounds.
Blair: I didn’t know the Empire had hourly rates.
Serena: Where’s Nate? He’s not answering his cell.
Blair: One van der Bilt isn’t enough?
Serena: I’m not having an affair with Trip. And since you’re going to find out anyway he’s leaving his wife. And it’s not for me.
Blair: Then what are you exactly? An eighteen-year-old blonde coincidence?
Blair: What are you clutching?
Dorota: Miss Eleanor asked me to pick up some things for Paris. It’s private.
Blair: You know what isn’t? The INS tipline.
Rufus: You know what, why don’t we just eat?
Jenny: I’ve lost my appetite.
Blair: And I want pie.
Blair: Doing the right thing takes courage and strength. At least that’s what I’ve heard.
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The Debarted
Blair: This whole Scrooge act? You should be at home today. Or laying flowers on your father’s grave. I know today is the anniversary of his death.
Chuck: Why don’t you take the car and meet me at the hotel later for lunch. We’ll have our quiet time then.
Blair: Fine. Pretend like you never get sad.
Blair: I know how hard it was to let your guard down. To let me in. But you’ve changed.
The Hurt Locket
Serena: I can’t believe Nate’s finally coming home tomorrow.
Blair: I feel the same way about Dorota’s return. I never should have agreed to let her spend the holidays with Vanya.
Serena: Did I tell you that he texts me every night before he goes to sleep. It’s so sweet.
Blair: Sexting is not sweet. It’s off limits until you’re in a relationship. You haven’t even been on a date.
Serena: Well you’ll be happy to know he asked me to go to a dinner for the French ambassador tomorrow night.
Blair: Oh. Well chastity belts go very well with formal wear.
Blair: You know how torturous it is for me to find shiny things that aren’t intended for me.
Chuck: It’s just a worthless trinket some woman left by my father’s grave.
Blair: And you aren’t even the least bit curious about someone who wears your father around her neck?
Chuck: One of his concubines had his name tattooed on her ass. I have more important things to do than search for another member of the female Bart Bass Fan Club.
Blair: Like helping me achieve the college experience I so greatly deserve?
Serena: Hey.
Blair: Oh. Looks like my advice went the way of the clog.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Blair: The clog? An ugly wooden show that tried to make a statement and then disappeared. Just like your resolve to take things slow with Nate.
Dan: I dated Serena for over a year. And if you want to make things work you’re going to have to be able come up for air. Which is really not her favorite thing to do.
Blair: You are the one Nate has always wanted and could never have. It’s like a diet. After years of starvation you can’t just let him gorge on sundaes. He’ll panic and decide he hates ice cream.
Serena: Except I’m not ice cream and Nate and I don’t need to play games.
Blair: Everyone needs to play games. Look you’ve already failed to come out of the gate with any restraint or control. Now all you can do is introduce some competition. Make him work for it.
Serena: Blair! That’s the worst advice I’ve ever heard.
Blair: Mm hm. Just wait ’til he starts passing on dessert.
Blair: Vronsky, where are you? Anna Karenina texted you an hour ago. She wants to celebrate.
Chuck: Look, I’m sorry but Anna will have to wait. I’m about to walk into a meeting.
Blair: Monsieur [D’Uri]? Are you bringing him here to surprise me?
Chuck: As it turns out I wasn’t able to attend the lunch.
Blair: Are you in the hospital? Since I know that you’re alive there could be no other possible reason you would sacrifice my entire future.
Nate: Woah. Hey Blair.
Blair: It’s Anna Karenina. You never read it. Don’t worry about it.
Nate: I never do.
Blair: Serena! And not Nate. Hi. I’m Blair.
Damien: Damien. Pleasure.
Blair: I see you took my advice. It’s good to keep Nate on his toes. And nice choice of competition.
Serena: Thank you. Your idea’s completely juvenile. But it seems to be working. I still can’t believe he came with Jenny though.
Blair: If I know Jenny, she came with him.
Blair: Chuck. I knew you’d see the error of your ways. Monsieur Durie just stepped out for his cigarette break. Which gives us two and a half minutes, maybe four if it’s a Galoise.
Blair: You know your mother died during childbirth.
Chuck: What if she didn’t? What if it was just another of my father’s many lies?
Blair: Look. It makes sense that when you finally let your father go your mother would reappear.
Chuck: She’s not a ghost Blair.
Blair: Whoever she is, it just seems like she’ll make losing your mom hurt all over again.
Chuck: Do you really think anything could be more painful than killing my own mother and having my father hate me for it my whole life. If there is any chance this isn’t what happened I have to know.
Blair: Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: I already told your friend everything I know.
Blair: And he may have bought it, but I originated that innocent, doe-eyed stare. I usually employ it when I know more than I’m willing to let on. Chuck spent his entire life believing that he killed his mother. If you know anything thatt could take away even a second of that pain it would be cruel not to share it. Otherwise leaving town means never having to say you’re sorry.
Blair: Are you all right?
Chuck: I spent eighteen years accepting the fact that my mother was dead. It was misguided to let one of my father’s girlfriends allow me to question that. To hope things may be different.
Blair: Your real mother would never turn her back on a chance to know you.
Chuck: I don’t have a real mother, Blair. I never will.
Blair: That doesn’t mean you’re aloone. I love you, Chuck. And I’ll always be your family.
The Lady Vanished
Blair: Haven’t you ever heard of knocking?
Serena: I did knock. But you didn’t hear me. We heard you though.
Blair: Oh. Was it awkward?
Serena: Are you trying to prove some point?
Blair: Yes. But I shouldn’t have to. I’m just glad I got Chuck’s couch scotch-guarded.
Blair: What are you doing?
Nate: Ah, my phone’s dead. I was going to use Chuck’s.
Blair: There’s a phone in the livingroom.
Nate: I know. I wanted to check a tweet.
Serena: Wait, Chuck asked you to grab his phone when he called, didn’t he?
Blair: Chuck called?
Nate: No. I mean yeah, he called. But he was just wanting me to put his phone in his briefcase so he didn’t forget it.
Blair: Oh god, I miss that.
Nate: What?
Blair: Dating someone who’s a horrible liar. It’s so much easier.
Serena: What are we going to do?
Blair: Nothing. You didn’t see his face when he confronted her and she sent him away. He’s had enough pain in his life. If he doesn’t want to hear her story then I’m going to respect that. And so are you.
Serena: I’m going over there.
Blair: Serena. Sit your ass down.
Serena: I just wanted him to have answers.
Blair: Please. You and I both know why you did this and it has nothing to do with Chuck.
The Sixteen-Year-Old Virgin
Blair: Settlements are for the guilty. Celebrities that run people over. The Catholic Church. It’s not fair.
Blair: What’s wrong?
Chuck: A boycott. Doug says I have no choice but to sign my hotel over to someone else. Jack nominated himself.
Blair: Of course he did. I can take over.
Chuck: I don’t think signing the hotel over to my nineteen-year-old girlfriend would ease the public’s mind.
Blair: What about Lily?
Chuck: She’s Bass Industries. The last thing I want is my father’s company bailing me out.
Blair: I don’t see what choice you have. What’s that?
Chuck: DNA results. Looks like I have another choice.
Chuck: What are we celebrating? The lawsuit? The scandal? Or the fact that I just signed over my hotel?
Blair: We’re celebrating you. Opening your heart to your mother. And me. Being the woman who encouraged you to do it.
The Empire Strikes Jack
Blair: There’s something about waking up the morning of a fashion show, the smell of pleats wafting through the city.
Chuck: Nothing quickens your blood more than haute couture.
Blair: What? My mother said she wanted me to pack the crowd with wholesome American girls.
Serena: So you hired escorts? B, you couldn’t just tell your mom you don’t have friends at NYU?
Blair: Prostitutes are people too. And they have a lot of disposable income.
Blair: You whore and a half! Conwell was about to buy my mother’s junior line until you!
Brandeis: Blair, I didn’t cruise Mr. Conwell.
Blair: Then how does he know you’re a prostitute?
Brandeis: He doesn’t. He knows Julian is.
He’s supposed to see him tonight in fact. Julian and Conwell party every time he flies into town. I’m really sorry, Blair. We had no idea there’d be clients here tonight. It was a total surprise.
Blair: Mother, what are you doing? We can close this.
Eleanor: No. It was a stupid idea to begin with. I don’t know what I was thinking. I would rather lose a deal than lose myself. Never hide who you are.” Remember that, hm?
Blair: Everyone at NYU hates me.
Eleanor: What?
Blair: I have minions of course. But they’re hardly even worthy of the name.
Eleanor: One of the things that make Waldorf women so special is that we don’t fit in everywhere.
Blair: I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere.
Eleanor: That’s because you haven’t found the right place yet.
Blair: Chuck, are you okay? Elizabeth—
Chuck: Is dead to me. She’s gone.
Blair: And the hotel?
Chuck: Oh… lost.
Blair: Oh, Chuck.
Chuck: What? Sorry? Don’t be. I’m not. I’ve come this far without my mother, I’m not backing down now.
Blair: Well, if it’s a war Jack wants it’s a war he’ll get.
Inglourious Bassterds
Serena: The look on his face was so sad. I wanted to call him back and say, “I didn’t forget your birthday, we have these big party plans.”
Blair: Cruel to be kind, S.
Nate’ll be fine.
Serena: No word from Chuck?
Blair: He’s sitting down with Satan this morning. He’s going to lay everything out on the table, see if there’s anything in the world he could offer Jack to give up the hotel. He’s come so far, become the person I always knew he could be, but he could lose it all because he opened his heart to that raven-haired con artist.
Serena: Everything will be fine, Blair. No matter what, Chuck has you, and he loves you. The Empire’s just a hotel.
Blair: You don’t understand. The hotel is proof that Bart was wrong about Chuck. It’s become who he is.
Jack: She’s right. It is a remarkable dress. Made only more so by you in it.
Blair: What are you doing here? Besides stalking me.
Jack: Please, I was just window shopping and saw something I liked.
Blair: You’re supposed to be meeting with Chuck.
Jack: Oh we met. Ideas were discussed, voices raised, expletives used. And how’s your morning been, Gorgeous?
Blair: You think you’ve won. But Chuck will find a way to get back what you stole. There’s always a way.
Jack: I told him how to get back his hotel. And here’s the kicker: it wouldn’t cost him a dime.
Blair: What are talking about?
Jack: I’m saying Chuck can have the Empire. And all it would cost is you. Spending the night with me. How’s that grab you?
Blair: I’d rather spend the night with the Marquis de Sade. And yes, I know he’s dead.
Blair: Serena, come here. You’ve done some unforgivable things. Like having sex with Nate when we were saving ourselves for each other, or killing Pete Fairman—
Serena: What?
Blair: —How far is too far?
Where’s that place you can’t come back from anymore?
Serena: Blair, what are you talking about? Is Chuck going to do something to Jack?
Blair: What? I mean. Yes. There is something someone could do to get back the Empire. And yes, it is terrible. But they’d be doing it out of love.
Serena: Love of whom?
Blair: Just love. The point is, if someone does something awful but it’s for love is it okay?
Serena: If you are crossing some moral line to best Jack Bass then probably not.
Blair: When you bought the Empire, you told me you knew you could do it because I believe in you. That hasn’t changed—you’ll find a way.
Chuck: When are you going to get it? There is no way.
Chuck: I can’t let my feelings cost me all I’ve built.
Blair: Even if it means losing me instead? All I ever did was love you.
Chuck: The worst thing I ever did. The darkest thought I ever had. You said you would stand by me through anything. This, Blair, is anything.
Blair: I never thought that the worst thing you would ever do would be to me.
Chuck: You went up there on your own. She slaps him
Blair: Goodbye, Chuck.
The Unblairable Lightness of Being
Blair: Great, he sent Good Cop.
Nate: Chuck didn’t send me.
Blair: Serena.
Nate: Look, we’re concerned about our best friends. And whatever he did, I’m sure you can find a suitable punishment for him.
Blair: There is no punishment for what he did.
Blair: What did Chuck tell you about how he got his hotel back?
Nate: He didn’t He just said, “Money solves everything.”
Blair: He didn’t use money. He used me. As a trade.
Nate: C’mon. No way.
Blair: He set me up to sleep with Jack in exchange for his beloved Empire. So now do you see why I couldn’t tell anyone.
Nate: Oh my god.
Chuck: You look like you need a task.
Blair: What I need is a Zofran. All this disingenuous generosity is making me want to vomit.
Chuck: There’s nothing disingenuous about it. I’m happy I can give Dorota and Vanya the dream wedding that they deserve.
Blair: The only reason you’re giving it is so you can spend time with me. You know weddings are my weakness.
Chuck: Really? It never occurred to me.
Blair: Everything occurs to you, Chuck.
Chuck: Blair, you and I are magnetic. You can feel it. The pull is as undeniable as ever.
Blair: It’s different this time.
Chuck: It doesn’t have to be. I love you. Saying it was hard but I did and I’ve never looked back. So now I’m asking you, please do this for me. Please forgive me.
Blair: I’m sorry. I can’t.
Serena: B, I know you and Chuck are going through a hard time right now. But do you at least think what he did was romantic?
Blair: Oh my god, this was your idea.
Serena: I may have encouraged him to make a gesture but throwing a whole wedding was his idea.
Blair: That’s the thing with him, S. Everything is a game.
Serena: But that’s what makes you guys so good together. You love games. That’s who you are.
Blair: The last game we played we both lost.
Chuck: Looks like we might win.
Blair: Well you can have the doll. I’m sure you’ll know what to do with five women with removable heads.
Blair: This game is over.
Dan: Hey. You okay?
Blair: No. I’m not. Why do you even care? You’ve always thought the worst of Chuck and me. You think we’re horrible. Depraved. Soulless.
Dan: I may have used all of those words at one point or another, but… I’m sorry, I’m not following. What’s going on? Did Chuck do something?
Blair: No, it’s not just what he did. It’s what I did. This whole time I was blaming him but it was me too. I’ve become the person you always thought I was.
Dan: Look Blair, you’re not— I don’t think you’re that bad of a person. Maybe not my type but you’re not terrible. And whatever it is that happened between you and Chuck I’m sure you can fix it. Because if there’s a pair meant for one another, it’s you two.
Blair: You’re absolutely right. Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. Who else could love me after what I’ve become. Thank you for helping me see, Humphrey. looks at the bucket Your ice is melting.
Blair: Everything you said last night was true. We’re both sick and twisted. If you think about it, we’re incredibly fortunate to have even found each other.
Chuck: Blair, I don’t want this to be you settling. Some sort of consolation.
Blair: We both hit rock bottom, Chuck. But we’ve hit it together. At least we won’t be lonely in hell.
Blair: I can’t keep pretending and I can’t lie to you, Dorota. Chuck and I aren’t happy. At all. And if we walk you in, your marriage wild be jinxed.
Blair: I want what Dorota and Vanya have. Real love. Pure and simple love.
Chuck: You’d be bored within five minutes.
Blair: Better bored than ashamed of myself. I would do anything for you, Chuck. But what if that’s wrong? I never thought it was possible to love someone too much but maybe it is. I don’t like who I’ve become with you.
Chuck: Wait. Blair. Don’t bail on me. We have to see this through ’til the end.
Blair: This is the end, Chuck.
Dan: Just to clarify: I do think you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.
Blair: Well coming as it does from someone who dates Vanessa Abrams, it means very little to me. But still. Thank you, Humphrey.
Dr. Estrangeloved
Blair: It’s a lot easier to sneak up on someone when you’re not eight months pregnant. And they’re not standing in front of a full-length mirror.
Blair: Dorota, why did I go to the trouble of putting together an elegant brunch and inviting a dozen of Manhattan’s most eligible bachelors?
Dorota: So world can know Miss Blair single again and Chuck Bass thing of the past. But Miss Blair not yet grieve properly. To rush back into dating—
Blair: —Will show everyone that Chuck Bass has no hold over me! Dorota, you really need to stop buying your pre-natal vitamins over the internet.
Dorota: For this I postpone honeymoon.
Blair: WIll you toss out that box of junk. I never want to see it again.
Dorota: I remember when I separated from first husband—
Blair: Dorota! I need answers that don’t end with “And then I came to America.” Wait. What did you say?
Dorota: Um. “First husband”?
Blair: Of course! Chuck.
Dorota: What is Mr. Chuck to do with this?
Blair: Isn’t it obvious? He’s declared a dating fatwa on me.
Blair: You twisted, manipulative psychopath! How could you?
Chuck: You’re going to have to be a tad more specific. It’s been a busy few days.
Blair: My party.
Chuck: Right. I heard about your little rebound reception. Good for you. Moving on.
Blair: So you’re just going to pretend like you had nothing to do with the fact that no one showed up. Like you didn’t put a dating fatwa on me. We’re over, Chuck. Unclench.
Chuck: To set the record straight, I didn’t put a fatwa on you. The reason no one showed up today is because no one could ever measure up to what we had. I’m obviously not the only guy who knows that.
Blair: Fine. If you won’t move on, I will. There are plenty of guys outside the Upper East Side and by this time tomorrow, everyone in the five boroughs will know that Chuck Bass’ threats mean nothing.
Blair: By midnight everyone who reads Gossip Girl will see me kissing some guy. Chuck’s fatwa will kaput. And I’ll have my life back.
Chuck: I haven’t read any posts on Gossip Girl yet. I guess my ban works in the provinces.
Blair: I knew it. I knew you’d fatwa’d me.
Chuck: And I knew you couldn’t break it.
Blair: You’re wrong. I could have.
Chuck: Then why didn’t you?
Blair: Because I suddenly realized it— the way to get over you wasn’t by hooking up with some random guy. Or pretending we didn’t happen. You and I loved each other. And then you broke my heart. I’d been doing everything possible not to face that fact. I’m gonna kiss somebody someday. And when I do, it’ll be for me. Goodbye, Chuck. I’m going home.
Dorota: In Poland we have a saying: “Love is like head wound”. It make you dizzy. You think you die, but you recover. Usually.
Blair: That’s a terrible saying. pause Tomorrow can we feed the ducks?
Dorota: I already buy bread.
Ex-Husbands and Wives
Serena: That one looks good.
Blair: Chuck and I played Wuthering Heights in it. I mean, who starts a courtship in the day anyway?
Serena: Humans who venture out in light and aren’t named Bass.
Blair: Serena. I have to tell you something.
Serena: What’s wrong?
Blair: I’ve never been on a date.
Serena: What about Chuck? And Nate. And Chuck. And then Nate… again.
Blair: No, I mean on a real date. With someone I didn’t know already. Or who wasn’t a British Lord masquerading as a college student.
Serena: B, obviously Cameron liked you when he met you at the loft party. Just, be yourself and have fun. And try the Marc Jacobs. I have to go.
Blair: What’s going on? You haven’t lusted after a Louboutin all morning.
Serena: I just have to get home.
Blair: Is it Lily?
Serena: I think Rufus cheated on her.
Blair: Oh my god. I’m so sorry. I didn’t even know they had groupies that old.
Serena: They met at the rooftop garden committee.
Blair: Well how is your mom taking it?
Serena: She doesn’t know. I told my dad and he thought it would be best if I waited to tell her. Stress isn’t good for her condition.
Blair: Well is there anything I can do? Dorota’s family has Polish mob connections.
Serena: No. Thank you though. I’m just hoping Rufus will stay away until she gets stronger. And B, I don’t think handcuffs are a good idea for a first date.
Blair: The two of you here together. Please tell me there’s an explanation that doesn’t involve the Apocalypse.
Chuck: We come in peace. And with a purpose. Something’s going on with Lily’s medication. I need your mind game mastery to figure out what.
Blair: Who are you, House? I’m sure Dr. van der Woodsen knows what he’s doing.
Chuck: It’s not van der Woodsen. It’s a psychiatrist. I have an address.
Jenny: It’s weird, right? Lily so does not seem like she’s in therapy.
Blair: And you so should be. But as much as I admire the attempt to lure me back with subversive sleuthing, and appreciative as I am for your help with Columbia, the answer’s no.
Chuck: Blair, I need to find out why someone doesn’t want Lily getting better.
Blair: A heartfelt plea as well. And much more effective than a fatwa. But you obviously already know that I have a date today. And nothing you can dangle will make me miss it. Next time don’t bring Jenny Humphrey.
Blair: Philosophy of War? Hm. I’m finally home.
Blair: Did Chuck send you? His pill plan didn’t work so he sent Frik and Frak to ruin my date?
Dan: No, Blair, this is about my dad and Lily. This woman Holland has accused him of cheating.
Blair: Wait a minute. An artist or a hippie activist maybe. But rooftop garden committee? I knew that something wasn’t right when Serena told me. No way would another Upper East Sider shtup Rufus. My step-father’s Jewish.
Cameron: Ah.
Nate: Blair, we can’t let Lily leave Rufus. Will you help us?
Cameron: Exposing scandal on the Upper East Side? Show me your world, Blair Waldorf.
Blair: They’d be lost without me.
Blair: Holland is obviously trying to poison Lily so she can have Rufus all to herself. So Shakespearian.
Nate: Yeah, it’s also Fatal Attraction. I just can’t handle dead bunnies.
Blair: Pretend you’re well-bred and be polite. It’ll pay off if you ever need orthopedic surgery at Mount Sinai.
Jenny: Like when you stab me in the back.
Chuck: As if watching Audrey Hepburn movies isn’t manhood-shriveling enough, I now have to talk about my feelings!
Blair: Those movies are the only romance I have in my life. He loves his work more than he loves me.
Chuck: I know you felt it.
Blair: We were caught up in a scheme. And it was role play.
Chuck: It was real. I know you feel it right now.
Blair: Doesn’t change anything. Holland may be crazy, but she was right. No matter what I feel or don’t, we’re not safe.
Chuck: I did the most dangerous thing I could when I said I love you. But it was worth it. If I got through my fear for you, you can get through yours for me. You have until tomorrow to decide.
Blair: What?
Chuck: We’re never going to be safe. So are you brave enough or aren’t you? I’ll be waiting at the top of the Empire State Building.
Blair: You can’t Affair to Remember me.
Chuck: If you’re not there tomorrow at 7:01 I’m closing my heart to you forever.
Blair: I won’t be there.
Last Tango, Then Paris
Cyrus: Now, as soon as that moment comes your mother and I are heading straight back to Paris. So are you coming with us? What are your plans?
Blair: Nothing. Beyond having a second date with Cameron this afternoon. And staying as far as possible from the Empire State Building.
Cyrus: What’s the Empire State Building have to do with it?
Blair: An Affair to Remember was on TCM last night; it gave me nightmares.
Dorota: Blair loves the Empire State Building even though she doesn’t want to and she should just admit it and make all our life easier.
Blair: I need to make sure that whatever happens, I don’t go anywhere near that stupid Art Deco landmark.
Dorota: Miss Blair, I defriend Mr. Chuck in Facebook and in life. But this is pretty romantic thing he’s doing. If not going means never having Chuck in your life again are you prepared to live like that?
Blair: Yes. But even if I’m not, if you let me go anywhere near 34th Street there won’t be a miracle but a massacre.
Blair: I hope you’re on your way to see Nate.
Serena: You saw the blast?
Blair: Yes. And although I’m inclined to say that Gossip Girl doesn’t know what she’s talking about since she also posted some blurry photo of a Russian Mail Order Bride and said it was Georgina, it really did look like you and Humphrey. I mean, isn’t that a little ’08? Like maxi-dresses and Miley Cyrus.
Serena: Blair—
Blair: We all try on old clothes from time to time, and sure we may even be surprised when they still fit, but that doesn’t mean we should wear them again. Ever!
Serena: Nothing happened. And as for the photos: obviously the work of Jenny Humphrey. I knew she hated me, but apparently she hates Dan too? I just wish she would hole up in Brooklyn and leave the rest of us alone.
Blair: Brooklyn. Is that where she is right now?
Serena: I guess so. Look, I gotta go call Dan and make sure he knows what’s going on.
Jenny: Blair. What are you doing here?
Blair: Someone has to give you the smackdown you so richly deserve. That it’s me who gets to do it is just the cherry on top.
Blair: This isn’t copycat dressing at Constance. Or dropping dairy on your best friend to prove a point. Nate and Serena, that’s mythic. You don’t mess with that and survive. You’re hurting people I love. You’re hurting people you love.
Jenny: I wasn’t trying to, I—
Blair: Nate loves Serena, Dan loves Vanessa—god knows why—and Chuck loves me. But you Jenny? No one loves you. Except your daddy. And, after what you pulled yesterday, who knows if that’s even true anymore.
Blair: I’m in luck! smacks Dan Two smackdowns for the price of none.
Dan: What the hell are you doing?
Blair: Don’t screw up Nate and Serena.
Dan: Nothing happened.
Blair: So said Serena. But I’m thinking she left a little something out.
Blair: Signs are for the religious, the superstitious and the lowerclass. I don’t believe in them and neither should you. sees the Empire State Building. Damn you, Chuck Bass. Damn you to hell.
Dan: Why—? When did we start talking about Chuck Bass?
Georgina: I need to talk to you. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.
Blair: And while it warms my heart hearing that, I’m late. Goodbye Georgina. May god save your soul. Again.
Chuck: Blair, I thought you didn’t love me anymore. I didn’t care if I lived or died. Jenny Humphrey was—
Blair: Don’t! Don’t say her name! Or anything else to me ever again. This whole night didn’t happen.
One week later…
Serena: I’m actually excited to have an entire summer with nothing to do but figure things out.
Blair: Um, first of all, S, you didn’t go to school this year and you haven’t had a real job in months. So life is kind of like summer for you.
Serena: Uh, okay. Thanks. Kick a girl when she’s down. I really am going to change.
Blair: Why? All the drama, that’s who you are. Just like I’m someone who’s not going to stop looking for love just because I lost it. Which is why I’m going directly into the belly of the beast: Paris. And why you’re coming with me.
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