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Summer, Kind of Wonderful
The story continues…
Chuck: Girls you don’t know how thankful I am to have finally found a use for geometry in my daily life.
Serena: This is the first time I’ve seen you look in the mirror all summer. Here I thought if you did you’d turn to stone. Must be pretty nervous about something if you’re willing to take that risk.
Chuck: Ha ha, Sis. I’m on my way out to Lily Pond. With the triplets returning to Rio I thought I’d continue my tour of South America. Maybe Argentina.
Serena: Then what are the flowers for? You wouldn’t perhaps have heard a recent phone call with a certain best friend of mine. Who mentioned she’s on her way of here on the Jitney.
Chuck: What’s a Jitney?
Serena: If that’s your way of saying No then I’m glad to hear it. ‘Cause Blair will never forgive you for what you did to her.
Chuck: Who told you that little piece of advice, your boyfriend Nate?
Serena: Nate didn’t say anything.
Chuck: Good. ‘Cause I don’t think it’s wise taking relationship advice from somebody in a fake relationship. Call me crazy. Enjoy another night alone with your thoughts.
Serena: Good luck on your suicide mission.
Chuck: You’re lying.
Blair: I am not!
Chuck: Your eyes are doing that thing where they don’t match your mouth.
Blair: I wasn’t aware that robots got jealous. Did they update your software while I was away?
About James
Blair: I bet you’ll like him just as much as I do.
Chuck: Oh and if by that you mean I won’t like him at all, you’re right.
Eric: “How well do you know Blair Waldorf?” is kind of boring for those of us that know Blair Waldorf.
Celia: Not to mention transparent.
Chuck: Well thank you, Grandma.
Celia: Why is it when you say that word it sounds like an insult.
Chuck: Look, I know what that pin means to you. You gave it Nate the first time you said you loved him.
Blair: Well I asked for it back. I thought James should have it now.
Chuck: Do you, ah, really feel the same way about him as you did Nate?
Blair: I do.
Chuck: I’ll see you at school.
Nate: You’re not going to the White Party? C’mon. Pretty girls. White dresses.
Chuck: Unless there’s a sprinkler, I don’t care.
Chuck to Eric: Do some research, Junior. I’m in the mood to be right.
Chuck: I was scared that if we spent the whole summer together that you’d see.
Blair: See what?
Chuck: Me. Please don’t leave with him.
Blair: Why? Give me a reason. And “I’m Chuck Bass” doesn’t count.
Chuck: ‘Cause you don’t want to.
Blair: Not enough.
Chuck: ‘Cause I don’t want you to.
Blair: That’s not enough.
Chuck: What else is there?
Blair: The true reason I should stay right where I am and not get in the car. Three words. Eight letters. Say it, and I’m yours.
Chuck: I… I…
Blair: Thank you. That’s all I needed to hear.
Never Been Marcused
Blair: Charles. Sidebar.
Chuck: Actually we weren’t finished.
Blair: Notice how my voice didn’t go up at the end. Not a question.
Nate: No offense, but don’t you think you’re a little outmatched?
Chuck: At squash? I’ve been playing my father since the eighth grade. How good could Marcus be.
Nate: No, I mean as a guy. Blair wants to be a princess and your greatest achievement is owning part of a burlesque club.
Chuck: Which is why I have to get to know him. No one’s that perfect. Once I get him out of the way I’ll have a clear shot at Blair.
Nate: Oh you know it’s love when you start talking like an assassin.
Chuck: I think you’re jealous of my new best friend.
Nate: Well I have been hoping someone would tag in for awhile now.
Chuck: Is this going to take any longer? I told Mrs. Archibald we could have it done by tonight.
Chuck: I thought you might like to meet my friend.
Blair: Why? So she could warn me about the effects of too much botox?
Catherine: Blair, is it? I’m Duchess Beeton.
Chuck: Did you enjoy meeting Duchess Beeton?
Blair: I did.
Chuck: That’s not sarcasm in your voice, that’s—
Blair: Victory. I know. Your plan to ruin me totally backfired. Turns out Marcus’ mommy is even sicker than you are.
Chuck: You got along great.
Blair: I think she recognized a part of herself in me. Or rather I recognized someone in her.
Chuck: I don’t follow.
Blair: All you need to know is that you lost. But don’t be too hard on yourself. It was a solid effort.
Chuck: Tomorrow’s another day.
Blair: Goodnight Chuck.
Chuck: Goodnight Blair.
The Dark Night
Chuck: So you seen Blair and Lord Fauntleroy recently?
Nate: No. Are you doing okay?
Chuck: I confess I’ve been a little off my game. But I’m expecting a return to form very soon.
Butler: Sir? The flight from Tokyo has landed.
Chuck: So I can see. Konichiwa.
Serena: Who was that?
Chuck: A little whiff of the Far East.
Serena: Sometimes I envy you. The way you just— Ew. What am I saying? You’re disgusting.
Chuck: Relax. Nothing happened with Madame Butterfly.
Serena: Yeah. right.
Chuck: No. Nothing happened. Same as nothing’s been happening all week.
Serena: What are you talking about? You’ve had different girls every day. No.
Chuck: I’ll take your incredulity as a compliment.
Serena: C’mon. You must have tried—
Chuck: Everything. From the erotic to the pharmaceutical.
Serena: I’m sorry. I’m not laughing. It’s just so obvious you’re not over Blair. Look, c’mon, this is your body’s way of telling you.
Chuck: I don’t have a romantic bone in my body. Least of all that one.
Chuck to Blair: You can’t tell me Bertie Wooster is satisfying your needs. Titles aside, a suit of armor makes for a cold bedfellow.
The Ex-Files
Chuck: Humphrey was holding you back. You’re a born queen this is your year to rule. Why fight it?
Serena: Because I don’t want it, okay? Being queen is Blair’s whole thing. Plus, if she needs a eunuch she knows where to look.
Chuck: You may feel differently when the trumpets call. Bring the OJ. There’s champagne in the limo.
Eric: He’s kidding. I think.
Eric: So you’re basically using Blair’s system to screen potential dates.
Chuck: Think of it as an early application process. There’s so many slots in Chuck Bass’ social calendar. It’ll save me a ton of time.
Eric: Seems a bit impersonal.
Chuck: Thank you.
Chuck: Cashing out so soon, Humphrey?
Dan: You really should wear a bell.
Chuck: Kinky. I’ll think about it. Hope you’re not leaving. You’re about to see the real Serena.
Dan: I’ve seen enough.
Chuck: Not by half.
Rufus: Lily, what are you doing here?
Lily: I don’t know.
Amanda: Getting my hair burned off was not a part of the deal.
Chuck: Casualties of war.
Amanda: I don’t get it. You wanted me to pretend to like this guy so he could make his ex-girlfriend jealous.
Chuck: Jealousy is a powerful emotion. I had to create a monster if I was going to dethrone a queen.
The Serena Also Rises
Chuck: Watching you fail spectacularly gives me so much joy.
Blair: And you know what you give to everyone Chuck? Misery. There’s a reason you’re always out here alone.
Chuck: Nate just happens to be away at his grandparents.
Blair: Nate’s only friends with you out of habit. The only person with fewer friends than you is Dan Humphrey. And at least his lame 90s dad likes him. And that’s because he’s something you’ll never be: a human being.
Dan: I know we don’t like each other and you think of me as a boring, sheltered nobody.
Chuck: I don’t think of you.
Dan: Right. Of course you don’t. But I’ve been thinking of me. And I have come to the conclusion that I need to get out of my comfort zone. I need to experience new things.
Chuck: Are you gay?
Dan: Now that would be out of my comfort zone, but no. I just need to get out of Brooklyn. For one night. I’d like to experience the world of Chuck Bass.
Chuck: You’re lucky I’m bored.
Dan: Is that a yes?
Chuck: Get in before I change my mind.
Chuck: You’re either in for the full ride or you’re out. What’s it going to be?
Dan: Alright, pass me the shots.
Chuck: The liquor’s just a chaser.
Dan: What is that?
Chuck: Does it matter? Go down the rabbit hole. Or go out the door.
Dan: Who knew there was a sex club behind the White Castle? And “beer before liquor”. How do you know so many twins?
Chuck: Twins find me.
Chuck: Tonight was nothing. You’re just a drunken idiot.
Dan: Can I at least have my shoes?
Dan: When did you start drinking in bars alone?
Chuck: When I realized hot, desperate girls drink in bars alone.
Dan: What’s your father like?
Chuck: Me. Only older. And meaner.
Dan: Has he always been like that?
Chuck: Since the day I was born.
Dan: Ah, that’s crazy. Even Bart Bass doesn’t hate babies. It’s, uh, it’s in our DNA. I think Disney did a study.
Chuck: He hated me.
Dan: That doesn’t make sense.
Chuck: It does if his beloved wife died giving birth to me.
Dan: That’s not your fault.
Chuck: Tell him that. Sometimes I swear he thinks I killed her. Who knows, maybe I did.
New Haven Can Wait
Chuck: Get excited, Archibald. We are less than three hours away from horny Women’s Studies majors wanting to work out all their anger towards men in their bunk beds.
Chuck: Will you lay off the formal visit crap and focus on what really matters. Creating your own Freshman Fifteen.
Nate: You’re not seriously considering going to Yale either?
Chuck: I’m, uh, evaluating colleges based on secret societies. Yale has the creme de la creme. The Skull and Bones. My goal is to get inside their inner sanctum.
Nate: And how exactly are you planning on doing that?
Chuck: By showing up.
Chuck: I wonder what lucky school will be the subject of the next nursery rhyme penned by Brooklyn’s lamest fiction writer.
Dan: Actually, Chuck, I think the Dean of Admissions at Yale will actually appreciate my ability to write about damaged characters.
Chuck: Looks like we’re spending the weekend together.
Dan: How nice.
Chuck: Say hello to the characters on public transportation for me.
Skull and Bones: Chuck Bass. Heir to Bass Industries. Champion of the legendary Lost Weekend. Rumor has it you’ve slept with more MAXIM covers than John Mayer.
Chuck: And better I might add.
Chuck: You may be the future leaders of America, but you’re under the control of Chuck Bass.
Chuck in Real Life
Chuck: Isn’t it about time you ended this bromance? What happens at Yale stays at Yale.
Blair: Poor Chuck. What is life without a friend to share it. Oh. It looks like you just lost yours to Dan Humphrey.
Chuck: Who cares. I’d rather talk about who you lost yours to anyway.
Blair: Uh uh. Been there, done that. Been decontaminated.
Chuck: We both know you’ll do it again. It’s just a question of when.
Blair: The answer is Never.
Chuck: We’re inevitable, Waldorf.
Blair: Despite whatever vestigial attraction my body may feel for you, my brain knows better. And yours should too.
Chuck: Waving the white flag are we?
Blair: Not exactly. I’ve got a proposition for you.
Chuck: I’ll say yes.
Blair: That little troll Vanessa is working my last nerve.
Chuck: Not what I expected.
Blair: And then I realized, this could benefit both of us.
Chuck: You had me until “troll”.
Blair: Dan stole your best friend. Now you can steal his. Seduce and destroy.
Chuck: What’s in it for me?
Blair: The thrill of the impossible. The only person Vanessa loathes more than me is you. It’ll be one for the ages.
Chuck: Did you have a reason for coming here? Because if it was to insult me there’s a web site you can go to.
Horace: This our guy?
Vanessa: Horace Rogers, meet Chuck Bass.
Horace: Man! Come here. hugs him. Look at that outfit. Didn’t know it could be worse than the one this morning. Kidding. I know [] when I see it. Joe Kennedy taught me.
Chuck: You knew Joe Kennedy?
Horace: Used to come in here all the time. Had a girl up the street. I was nine years old. Sellin’ papers out front. Rumor has it he kept this place in booze during Prohibition. So you like Ol’ Joe?
Chuck: Rum runner. Womanizer. Millionaire. He was my kinda guy.
Horace: They all used to come here here back in the day. Gangsters. Fighters. Musicians. Dangerous folks, no doubt. They had style. Something tells me you’d fit right in.
Chuck: That’s possibly the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Vanessa: Hey. I overheard the end of that conversation. And, I’m sorry. I don’t know your dad. But from what I saw today you deserve better.
Chuck: You say that. You don’t really know me. My father on the other hand has lifetime experience. He makes some good points.
Blair: Bet’s off.
Chuck: This game’s not over.
Blair: I’m calling it on account of boredom.
Blair: I’m prepared to settle.
Chuck: Maybe I’m not.
Blair: Chuck Bass. I will never say those words to you.
Chuck: Then you will never have me.
Blair: Is this because of Vanessa? It was a game, Chuck. That’s it.
Chuck: Maybe I want to raise the stakes. Are you ready to play that game? I chased you for long enough. Now it’s time you chased me.
Gossip Girl: And some things never change. Let a new game begin. XOXO —G
Prêt-à-Poor J
Chuck: Wanna get in? I’d love to give you a ride.
Blair: Oh I’m sure you would. Too bad you’ve made the terms of that arrangement impossible.
Chuck: About that. Maybe I was a little too hasty. Come on. Get n.
Blair: Maybe I don’t want you anymore.
Chuck: Don’t torture me. I’m dying. As Blair approaches the car, Chuck locks it. All you have to do is say those three magic words.
Blair: I hate you.
Blair: So ever since Charlize Theron became the face of Dior I’ve wanted to change my signature scent and I’ve been trying out a new one. would you mind?
Chuck: Smells a little like desperation.
Blair: Yeah well I’ll just keep on looking. Thank you. You’ve been very helpful.
Chuck: I gave you a shot. And while your efforts were admirable, I’m bored. And you’ve ruined my pants. Goodnight, Blair.
Chuck: What’s going on, Blair? You told me you had something to say to me. Say it.
Blair: Why do I have to be the one to go first? I was the one who waited on the helipad for you. I went to Tuscany alone.
Chuck: That’s ancient history.
Blair: I was the one who asked you to say it first.
Chuck: At the White Party? When you were on your way out with the Count? Did you really think I was going to say it then?
Blair: Yes! And when you didn’t I wanted to die.
Chuck: Don’t tell me you brought me all the way to Brooklyn for this. I thought you were ready to tell me how you really felt. Obviously this is just another one of your games.
Blair: My games? You’re the one who started this.
Chuck: And you’re the one who finished it.
Blair: Are you here to gloat?
Chuck: Over what?
Blair: Well you won. Pop the champagne.
Chuck: I didn’t win.
Blair: Then why does it feel like I lost?
Chuck: The reason we we can’t say those three words to each other is because they are true.
Blair: Then why?
Chuck: I think we both know the moment we do it will be the start of something and the end. Think about it. “Chuck and Blair going to the movies”. “Chuck and Blair holding hands”.
Blair: We don’t have to see those things. We can do the things that we like.
Chuck: What we like is this.
Blair: The game.
Chuck: That and I’m not sure how long we’d last. It’d just be a matter of time before we messed it all up. Look, I’d rather wait. And maybe in the future.
Blair: I suppose you could be some excruciating pleasure.
There Might Be Blood
Chuck: Well. What do we have here? Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Chuck.
Emma: Bass. Oh my god. I read about you on Gossip Girl. You’re like the devil.
Chuck: Finally. Some truth in advertising. Headed out, are we?
Emma: Serena, Blair and I are going to the Gala. Hope you’re coming.
Chuck: Well I’m all for company on a Saturday night but the only thing I like that aged is my Scotch.
Blair: Limos and virgins. Your specialty.
Chuck: Just so you know, while there are few things I consider sacred, the back of the limo is one of them.
Chuck: Kittens, please. I found her table.
Blair: You’re behind the plot Bass. She already left.
Chuck: The bartender says she’s in the corner booth.
Blair: E. Boardman. Elizabeth. That’s not Emma. That’s her mother.
Serena: And that’s not her father.
Chuck: So Humbert Humbert’s name is Serge Gromance. His father plays tennis at the club. I know where his building is. Let’s go.
Blair: I’m going over there.
Serena: I’m late for the Gala. My mom’s texting me. Look, do whatever you want Blair. But please, save Emma first.
Blair: Fine. We’ll save Little Red Riding Hood from the Big Bad Wolf. But after that it’s “Bulldog! Bulldog! Rah rah rah!”
Bonfire of the Vanity
Chuck: Happy 20th anniversary of Bass Industries.
Bart: I’m surprised you remembered.
Chuck: If you use this against my father I will destroy you.
Dan: Chuck, what happened is bigger than you hating me or me trying to make it as a writer. I couldn’t ignore this if I wanted to.
Chuck: It will ruin our family. Don’t do it. Please.
Bart: I want to apologize, son.
Chuck: Apologize.
Bart: I never blamed you for your mother’s death. I read that short story that Dan Humphrey wrote about you and your mother. I had no idea you felt that way. It’s my fault. I know I’ve had trouble being close to you. But it’s not for the reasons you think. It’s just hard because— every time I look at you I see her.
Chuck: You miss her.
Bart: You have no idea. I’ve made terrible mistakes in my life but I don’t want to make another. I want to know my son. So any interest in going to that hockey game?
Chuck: I’ll, ah, clear my calendar.
The Magnificent Archibalds
Chuck: Archibald. Haven’t seen you around here lately.
Nate: Yeah, why do you care?
Chuck: Oh I don’t. But if you’re not with the Humphreys anymore obviously things are looking up. Which is too bad. I kind of liked watching you slumming. I thought it would teach you who your real friends were.
Nate: I guess it has. He walks away
Eric: You’re home.
Chuck: My plans for the evening got held up at customs.
Eric: Your dad just insinuated that Jonathan might be dating someone else. How and why would he know that?
Chuck: He has a PI on retainer like I do.
Eric: I get that for business. But family. And friends of family, it’s just… creepy.
Chuck: Not to worry. Bart’s people are top notch and very discreet.
Eric: How much does he know?
Chuck: How much do you want to find out?
Serena: My new boyfriend Aaron is on his way over to meet everyone and I want your word on something.
Chuck: If you’re talking about the dress, I’d say higher.
Serena: Chuck! I want your word that you will not mention anything about the girl I used to be. I just got Aaron all to myself and if the one thing I have to do to keep it that way is hide my recent history for awhile, then that’s what I’m going to do.
Chuck: I get it. You lied to him.
Serena: No I didn’t! I merely chose not to tell him everything I did. And it will come out naturally. Over the course of the many conversations we’re going to have as we’re dating exclusively.
Chuck: You have my word. Whatever that’s worth.
Eric: It’s like the end of every heist movie ever made. Are those gold bars? I didn’t think they actually made those. Is that, is that a satphone?
Chuck: Correction. Only a prototype. Put it back.
Chuck: I knew you’d come back for more.
Vanessa: Chuck, you know how hard this call was for me to make.
Chuck: I’m listening.
Vanessa: The FBI just came to see me and Nate’s in trouble.
Chuck: Tell someone who cares.
Vanessa: Chuck, this is serious. He needs our help.
Nate: You know, when you called I thought it was an emergency. Obviously I was wrong.
Vanessa: It’s more like an intervention.
Chuck: There’s someone you need to talk to.
Vanessa: The FBI knows that your dad’s in town. And they think he’s about to commit a crime even worse than fraud or embezzlement.
Nate: Like what?
Chuck: Like extortion. Kidnapping.
Vanessa: Hey. We were hoping you’d be here.
Nate: My mom’s inside signing papers in the dark. We’ve got our house back, now all we need is some electricity. I can’t thank you guys enough.
Chuck: I’m gonna leave you guys alone.
Vanessa: I didn’t… want you to go. And I didn’t like to admit it, but I still—
Nate: Still?
Vanessa: It’s not important There’s the whole thing with Jenny and I don’t want to get in the way of that.
Nate: Vanessa, I haven’t heard from Jenny in weeks so, uh, if you’d like, can we get together sometime?
Vanessa: I guess that’d be okay. Call me.
Nate: I will. Vanessa walks off (and squeezes Chuck’s arm in thanks)
Chuck: By the way, I’m glad you stayed too.
Nate: Thanks man.
Chuck: Now let’s, uh, let’s get drunk in style.
It’s a Wonderful Lie
Blair: What do you want, Bass?
Chuck: It occurred to me today when I was having my afternoon shiatsu that I should choose your date.
Blair: You? Why?
Chuck: Why not? And it would let me prove I know you better than anyone else.
Blair: Fine. Then I choose yours.
Chuck: I bring a date for you, you bring one for me. Let’s see who’s paying attention to the other’s desires.
Blair: There has to be something to keep you honest. And to make things interesting.
Chuck: Name the stakes.
Blair: If you actually like your date, I get your limo for a month.
Chuck: Fine. And if you like yours I get Dorota.
Blair: What? Dorota?
Dorota: Yes Miss Blair?
Blair: Fine.
Chuck: By the way, I take my breakfast in bed.
Blair: What are you staring at? Go polish something.
Chuck: Taking off?
Bart: Morning meeting in Miami. I should be back tomorrow.
Chuck: Sure that’s wise? Seems to me the old marriage thermostat is headed south of late.
Bart: And whose fault is that? Thanksgiving was a disaster because of those files. And you think I don’t know who had the combination to that safe? Every time I think we’re making progress you show your true colors.
Gossip Girl: Snowflake or snowfake? Either way it’s going to be a ball.
Chuck: You look lovely.
Blair: Not as lovely as I’ll look in my limo. So where’s my Prince Uncharming?
Chuck: Sandbox rules. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.
Blair: We both know that I’m your one and only. And a Canal Street knock-off seemed like the best option.
Chuck: My thinking exactly.
Blair: Fine. If Beta Bass is anything like the original I have no doubt that sooner or later he’ll disappoint me.
Chuck: And I’m curious to see if the new Blair has all the features I so enjoyed on the old model.
Blair: So the bet is still on.
Chuck: Unless you’re prepared to concede.
Blair: To you? Never.
Chuck: You’ve been good for him—good for us. I always liked you regardless of how I may have acted. He’s on his way here. You owe him a conversation.
Chuck: Dance with me.
Blair: What’s the point, Chuck. We’re never going to be them. You said so, remember? It’s not for us.
Chuck: Maybe. But I wouldn’t change us. Not if it meant losing what we have.
Blair: And what do we have, Chuck? You tell me.
Chuck: Tonight. So shut up. And dance with me.
O Brother, Where Bart Thou?
Tyler: My condolences.
Chuck: Skip the sympathy. This is business. My father met with you right before he died. I want to know what you told him that night.
Tyler: I worked for Mr. Bass. Not you. And what I have, you’re not the only party interested.
Chuck: I’m about to become very rich.
Tyler: Yeah. Congrats. But there’s someone else who’s about to come into some money. And I think she might be more motivated than you are.
Chuck: Lily. Bitch is the reason my father is dead.
Tyler: I’ll be in touch. You could buy me a drink.
Chuck: I’m sorry. I can’t stay. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go bury my father.
Nate: We should have just driven to the door and dropped him off on the steps.
Blair: No one should see him like this. He needs to walk it off. Okay, walk it off, Chuck. Lift knee, bend foot.
Nate: Maybe we should have just left him at The Palace.
Blair: It’s his father’s funeral. He needs to be here and show his respects.
Chuck: Respect. My father wasn’t shown much of that in his final days.
Nate: What’s he talking about?
Blair: Who knows. When we found him his shoes were on the wrong feet. Chuck, remember how in eighth grade you used to help yourself to the decanter in The Captain’s library?
Chuck: First got my taste for single malt.
Nate: That’s right. And you’d have to go home to a four course dinner without passing out in your consommé.
Chuck: Or my father would think less of me. What does that matter now?
Blair: Chuck, am I going to have to stick my finger down your throat? I’ll hold back your hair. to Nate What?
Nate: Sorry Blair. You had me, then you lost me.
Blair: Just straighten his tie.
Chuck: Hey! What the hell are you doing here?
Dan: Excuse me?
Blair: He’s just upset and loaded.
Chuck: What are you doing at my father’s funeral? You think he wanted you here?
Dan: Chuck if this is about the article, you know I didn’t write it.
Chuck: Do you think I care about your failed attempt at investigative journalism. My father’s dead because of your father.
Dan: What? Chuck, look. I’m sorry about this.
Serena: Chuck, Dan has been helping us. Unlike you!
Chuck: Helping us. Do you have any idea what his family has done?
Cecilia: Daniel, I think maybe it would be best if you left.
Serena: No, Grandma. That doesn’t make sense. It’s not fair.
Cecilia: Chuck is Bart’s son. He doesn’t have to make sense today.
Dan: It’s okay. I understand.
Chuck: You have no idea.
Serena: Dan, I want you here.
Serena, it’s okay. Let him go.
Lily: I know you’re upset but we all really need each other right now.
Chuck: Don’t touch me, Whore.
Lily: Charles, please. You need to be with your family.
Chuck: Family? I don’t have a family.
Lily: If you’re looking for Bart’s will, you don’t have to worry.
Chuck: I’m not. But you should be. I’m trying to find your file.
Lily: Well it’s not here so you can stop ransacking the place and look at me.
Chuck: I can’t look at you, Lily. You disgust me.
Lily: Charles—
Chuck: Disrespecting your marriage. Betraying my father with Rufus Humphrey.
Lily: I did no such thing.
Chuck: He was coming to fight for you. Talk about dying for nothing.
Lily: The only reason he got in that car is because you called him. If you could have just stayed out of it. But you couldn’t, could you? Because you’re just like him. You have to know everything, control everyone, trust no one.
Chuck: You’re saying this is my fault.
Lily: No, it’s no one’s fault.
Chuck: Yes it is. It’s your fault. His blood’s on your hands.
Lily: I’m sorry.
Chuck: As soon as that will is read, and I get my money you’ll never see me again.
Eric: We want you here. I just lost my stepfather. I don’t want to lose my brother too.
Chuck: When are you going to get it? We are not related.
Blair: Chuck! Stop! Don’t go. Or if you have to leave, let me come with you.
Chuck: I appreciate the concern.
Blair: No. You don’t. You don’t appreciate anything today. But I don’t care. Whatever you’re going through, I want to be there for you.
Chuck: We talked about this. You are not my girlfriend.
Blair: But I am me. And you are you. We’re Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. The worst thing you’ve ever done—the darkest thought you’ve ever had—I will stand by you through anything.
Chuck: And why would you do that?
Blair: Because I love you.
Chuck: Well that’s too bad.
Tyler: Congratulations. You’re the high bidder. The only bidder, actually.
Chuck: Well if Lily didn’t spend every dollar she has maybe it’s not worth it.
Tyler: I was dealing with her mother. She said Lily wanted to stop hiding her past, come clean.
Chuck: Well. Tell me what’s the point in paying to know something if she’s gong to tell everyone anyway.
Tyler: Maybe there is none. But you’re about to become the richest kid in New York. If I were you I’d want to make that decision myself.
Chuck: I just can’t believe you’d want this to become public knowledge.
Lily: What is that?
Chuck: Oh it’s exactly what you think it is.
Lily: But my mother—
Chuck: Lied to you. And to Mr. Tyler. Judging by the look on your face I’m guessing it wasn’t your idea to come clean.
Lily: Why on earth would she do this.
Chuck: I don’t know. But the next time you see her I’d ask. Until then I’m more than happy to further her agenda.
Lily: Charles, I beg you, please don’t turn away from the people who love you. They’re the only chance any of us has. And your father never learned that. I hope that you do.
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In the Realm of the Basses
Blair: You want to get kicked out?
Chuck: Hello to you too, lover. Long time no see.
Blair: Put that out!
Chuck: You didn’t say the magic word.
Blair: What are you even doing here? You should be passed out. Or hooked up to an IV.
Chuck: I didn’t want to miss the first day of school. Oh, it looks like I already did.
Blair: That’s the reason you came here. Not because you had something to tell me?
Chuck: Like what?
Blair: You know “like what.” grabs his face. Look at me. Who are you?
Queller: Miss Waldorf, this is not normal.
Blair: Headmistress Queller, Chuck is in no state to represent himself and as Mrs. Bass is—
Chuck: Van der Woodsen. My father’s dead.
Blair: —is indisposed with grief, someone has to be here. So I am.
Jack: Sorry I’m late. Jack Bass, Chuck’s uncle. How are ya?
Chuck: Uncle Jack. What a surprise. How’ve you been?
Jack: Uh huh. So you don’t remember our rickshaw ride down Ceylon Road? The fifteen hour flight?
Chuck: That was you?
Jack: Yeah. That was me.
Blair: Thank you, Jack. But I’ve got this covered.
Jack: I figured Principal’s Office, one needs a parent or a guardian. Parents being dead—sorry Chuck—I’m the closest thing. So what seems to be the problem?
Queller: I found Charles smoking marijuana on school property.
Chuck: It was hash, actually. I find it gives a softer high.
Jack: Right. ponders that. The evidence seems questionable.
Blair: Would you stop? I think we can all agree that Charles has been through an ordeal. He’s clearly out of his right mind and can’t be held responsible for his actions. It’s temporary insanity. Headmistress, no court can find him guilty of a crime. How can we?
Queller: Mr. Bass has been through a lot. Do you promise me that nothing like this will never happen again?
Gossip Girl: Pop quiz: What do you get when you cross Chuck Bass, a billion dollars, and Bart cold in the ground?
Chuck: For you, Headmistress, anything.
Gossip Girl: Freefall.
Chuck: Everyone. It has been a pleasure. takes out another hash cigarette
Jack: So what kinda suspension we lookin’ at?
Blair: Hello Chuck. I thought I’d find you here.
Chuck: Blair. Ladies, would you give us a moment?
Blair: I thought you sold this place.
Chuck: Bought it back last night. Owner took me to the cleaners. Some things are worth the price.
Blair: You should go home. Lily, Serena, Eric—
Chuck: Is not my home. Or my family.
Blair: Fine. Go to The Palace. Just get outta here.
Chuck: Oh that would be rude. Since I’m throwing a party here tonight. I just posted it on Gossip Girl. Maybe you’ll grace us with a dance.
Blair: Chuck. Stop. All this doesn’t help. It isn’t you.
Chuck: Wrong. Bart may have been a bastard, but he saw me better than anyone. I’m simply living up to my potential. It’s time to let go of your fantasies.
Blair: I don’t believe you.
Chuck: That’s your business. Now is that it? Or were you going to tell me you loved me again?
Blair: Why did you even come back?
Chuck: That’s the problem with an open invitation. Can’t keep out the hoi polloi.
Dan: What do you know about my dad and Lily?
Chuck: So the cat’s out of the bag.
Dan: I found some numbers. My dad was supposed to be in Boston, looking for an artist. He was apparently visiting some orphanages.
Chuck: How Dickensian.
Dan: Chuck, I need to know this.
Chuck: You know the funny thing is, I was going to keep Lily’s secret. You buried the arson story on my dad. This makes us even. You’re not the firstborn Humphrey. So if you were planning on inheriting the family estate. I’d make other arrangements.
Dan: That’s not possible. I mean my dad’s—
Chuck: Lily and her mother kept it a secret. Gave the kid away. I imagine your dad just found out. And now there’s only one more person to tell. Of course as soon as you do it’s over between you, isn’t it? Sharing a sibling? It’s a bit much. Even for me.
Eric: Welcome back. How was Thailand?
Chuck: I honestly don’t remember.
Eric: You should come home, Chuck.
Chuck: I think I’ll take the view from above. It was nice having you as my little brother.
Jack: Chuck!
Blair: No! You idiot! You don’t surprise someone standing off the edge of a building!
Jack: Chuck. Come away from there. Let’s go down and join the party.
Chuck: I was at the party. I’m not really that into it.
Jack: Chuck, your father wouldn’t have wanted this.
Chuck: Dear old Dad? Unfortunately all I know is what he didn’t want. Which is me. I’m Chuck Bass! No one cares.
Blair: I do. Don’t you understand? I’ll always be here. I don’t want you going anywhere. I couldn’t bear it. So whatever you want to do to yourself, please don’t do it to me. Please.
Chuck: I’m sorry.
Blair: It’s okay.
Gone with the Will
Chuck: Let’s get this over with.
Jack: Courage, nephew. I’m going to be running Bass Industries and you’re about to inherit a billion dollars.
Chuck: I know my father. There’ll be so many strings attached I’ll look like a marionette. He wouldn’t miss his last chance to put me in my place.
Nate: Hey! Thought you might need some backup.
Chuck: Thanks. Let’s go.
Lawyer: Now Charles, your uncle Jack Bass is your closest living relative has been named as your legal guardian. Are you comfortable with this?
Chuck: Curfew?
Jack: No.
Chuck: Girls sleeping over.
Jack: Yes. Please.
Chuck: I’ll allow it.
Jack: Chuck, this letter represents your father’s final words.
Blair: Your dad wrote you a letter? You have to read it.
Nate: Yeah, aren’t you curious to know what it says?
Chuck: I think I can guess. “You’re a disappointment of a son.” “I’d die of embarrassment if I wasn’t already.” “Why do you wear so much purple.”
Blair (reading the letter): Dear Son,
I know I’ve always been hard on you—
Chuck: True.
—but my goal was always to prepare you for this day. To help you go from being a boy to a man.
Chuck: An Italian au pere took care of that.
Blair: Chuck, please. She continues:
Sadly, there is nothing like the passing of a father to aid in this rite of passage for his son. Ultimately I do feel that I did my job and you are prepared for this next chapter of your life. Therefore I am bequeathing to you the majority share of Bass Industries.
Chuck: Surely that’s a mistake.
Nate: No it’s not.
Blair: He believed in you.
Jack: That son of a bitch.
Blair: Jack!
Chuck: No, Jack’s right. My father can’t be one way my whole life then all of the sudden he’s okay. It’s nice that he finally decided I’m worthy. But I don’t want it. If you wait it, you can have it.
Chuck: It’s like he’s setting me up to fail from beyond the grave.
Blair: You really think Bart would leave his whole company to you if he didn’t think you could do it?
Chuck: It doesn’t make sense. My father never trusted me with anything.
Blair: He’s trusting you now. He left you his legacy. I know you can do this.
Chuck: I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
Blair: Start by reading the rest of this.
Chuck: Look I owe you a lot, Jack. You saved my life when I didn’t want to be saved.
Jack: You noticed that Thai waitress I was going to take home the other night had a penis. So, consider us even.
Chuck: Look I’ve decided to follow my father’s wishes and take over Bass Industries.
Jack: Well we can discuss that when you turn 18. Anyway you’re in charge in name. It’s better. All of the fun, none of the work.
Chuck: I want to start now. [Running the place. ]
Jack: This isn’t an after-school job. You have no experience. You’re not ready.
Chuck: If you want to stay in New York, I’ll find a place for you in the company. I know it’s going to be a long road, but I’m ready now.
Jack: I owe you an apology. The fact is, you’re Bart’s son and it is your rightful place.
Chuck: Your blessing means a lot to me.
Jack: Good. Now before we start spooning I want to take you out tonight to properly celebrate.
Chuck: I’m having dinner with Blair.
Jack: Reschedule.
Chuck: She’s been a good friend to me.
Jack: Yeah. I saw you two talking this morning. Last time I had a friend like that I wind up with gonorrhea.
Chuck: Suprex?
Jack: Rocephin.
Chuck: I don’t need your help. Stop trying to play wife.
Chuck: You’re my only family. How could you do this to me?
Jack: You did it to yourself. Clearly I was right and you weren’t ready.
Chuck: You have your own life, your own company.
Jack: Sure. In Australia. My dear brother literally placed me on the other side of the world. I did everything right. I ran that place without complaint. And it thrived under my watch. And this is how he repays me. By giving the company to a teenager who can’t keep his pecker in his pants for 24 hours.
Chuck: At least I can keep mine in service for longer than five minutes.
Jack: You can have that. I’ll take Bass Industries.
Chuck: It’s not yours to take. My father gave it to me.
Jack: Actually, there is one stipulation attached to your appointment. A morality clause.Bart knew his son. He specified that should you in any way act inappropriately, the board has the option to replace you. With your legal guardian. Which wouldn’t you know it, is me. I already talked to the board. I’m in charge now.
Chuck: I’m sorry. I screwed up.
Blair: It’s too late, Chuck. I stood by you through all of this but I can’t watch you self-destruct any longer.
Chuck: Jack set me up.
Blair: There’s no one to blame but yourself. I believed in you. Your father believed in you. You are the only one who didn’t. All I wanted to do was just… be there…. But today when you called me your wife, you made it sound like the ugliest word in the world.
Chuck: Blair, please.
Blair: Sorry. But I’m done.
You’ve Got Yale
Chuck: No, I told you. Under 18 and I want verification. I don’t care where you have to import them from. I want them young and unstable.
Jack: You can cancel that order. I already ate.
Chuck: I’ll get right back to you.
Jack: Your bush league attempts to take me down are getting kind of boring. Although I must admit having the freshman class of Brealey hold their annual sleep over at my hotel room was a nice touch. By the way, don’t be alarmed but our stock might take a dip today. I’m still adjusting to the learning curve.
Chuck: What you’re doing is trying too hard. You’re obviously not cut out for the job. Which is why Bart never let you out of the Outback. You should be more careful.
Jack: Or what? It’s my company now, kid. You saw to that. Will the Board and I be seeing you at the opera tonight? Even though you’re no longer in charge you are still the public face of the company. I think it’s important you display it. Show there’s no hard feelings.
Chuck: Maybe I’ll show them they made the wrong choice instead. Oh wait, you’re already doing that for me, aren’t you?
Jack: No matter. We probably won’t be seeing much of each other anyway. I’ll be in your father’s seats and you’ll be, well, somewhere else.
Lily: Charles. I didn’t expect to see you today.
Chuck: Or ever if I had it my way.
Lily: Yes, well I missed you too.
Chuck: I’m trying to do something. I really wanted to do it on my own, but that’s not working. I’m thinking you’re the only person left who can help. What do you say?
Chuck: All my usual moves haven’t worked. Jack is blood. He thinks too much like me, sees me coming. And the way he’s running the business I worry everything my father had worked for will be lost. Since you’re part of the company now I thought you might care.
Lily: I do care Charles. But my concern is for you, not the company. You’re living alone. Why don’t you move back here? Make it easier to work together.
Chuck: I’m not interested in a family reunion, nor in assuaging your guilt over my father’s death. Do you believe in my cause or not?
Lily: I do. But your shenanigans— putting coke in his gym bag, ambushing him with a transsexual hooker—
Chuck: Two. They owed me a favor
Lily: —will only cast a negative light on you in the board’s eyes.
Chuck: I don’t care about the board anymore.
Lily: You should. You need them. So let me help you by handling this like a grown-up. My 20% stake in Bass Industries must count for something. And when I’m done perhaps you’ll reconsider your living situation.
Chuck: Don’t hold your breath.
Dan: Chuck. As much as I hate to ask you anything, but have you seen Lily? My dad’s looking for her.
Chuck: She said she was going to the powder room. Looks around. But that was awhile ago.
Lily to Chuck: Oh my god, thank you.
Lily: I heard from the board that Jack is on his way back to Sydney.
Chuck: You didn’t press charges.
Lily: No. I just wanted him gone. But now I’m the interim head of Bass Industries, believe it or not.
Chuck: Is that why you called me here?
Lily: What you did for me last night—
Chuck: Lily, I—
Lily: It’s okay. You don’t have to feel the same way. But I do have faith that when you’re ready you will do wonders with Bass Industries.
Chuck: What are you talking about?
Lily: On your 18th birthday I want you to have everything. I don’t want this job or the corporate jet or—anything related to this business. Just you. As a part of my family.
Chuck: Um… Look, I know what happened with my father was an accident.
Lily: It was a terrible accident.
Chuck: And, uh, if the offer still stands, I’d like to move back in.
Lily: I would love that.
Carnal Knowledge
Chuck: Nathaniel. Did we speak last night?
Nate: Uh. No. Why, what’s up?
Chuck: I’m not sure. But I think last night may have been the greatest night of my life.
Nate: Please tell me what we’re doing here.
Vanessa: Yeah, and talk about the filthy rich. What happened to you?
Chuck: Yesterday I received an envelope. Inside was a business card with an address, a date and a time on it. No name. I assumed it was some overly designed invitation to a business meeting. But I arrived at the address it was something different entirely.
Vanessa: A high stakes poker game?
Nate: Or an arms dealer auction?
Chuck: The ultimate private gentleman’s club. I walked through this door and it was—
Vanessa: It was the Chuck Bass version of Narnia?
They enter.
Chuck: She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. It’s like she was waiting for me. Ready to serve. My every desire.
Vanessa: Okay, we don’t need details.
Chuck: Sadly I’m pretty sure that’s as far as it went. I woke up alone. In a hotel room. A cruel twist of fate, I don’t even remember her name.
Well what exactly do you remember?
Chuck: Not a lot. I’m hoping coming here will change that.
Nate: So the ultimate gentleman’s club was here? ‘Cause this place reminds me of my aunt’s house.
Chuck: This was the place. I know it. There were velvet curtains blocking this hallway. There were women wearing masks, lying on a divan right where this piano is.
Nate: Alright, look. Maybe you should get some rest. It could help jog our memory.
Vanessa: Or warm ginger ale. It’s a miracle hangover cure.
Chuck: This is the one. This is the woman.
Vanessa: Let me see. No way. The mom? This must be her house.
Nate: Well there’s only one way to find out.
Elle: That invitation wasn’t for you. You were never supposed to be at that party. What do you remember?
Chuck: All I remember was you.
Elle: That’s… not what I was referring to.
Chuck: I can’t remember anything else. Why don’t you fill me in.
Elle: I wasn’t at that party to meet you. I was there for another man.
Chuck: Who?
Elle: Your father.
Chuck: My father? My father is—
Elle: I know that. Now. I took over a girl’s client list and I sent the invitation without realizing. When you told me your name was Chuck I realized that I had the wrong Mr. Bass. I had to get you out of there. I had to make sure that you didn’t remember anything that you saw.
Chuck: The drink. So you drugged me and then snuck back to Connecticut?
Elle: What matters is that I left you at that hotel to keep you safe.
Chuck: Safe from what? she tries to leave. Look. The whole “Eyes Wide Shut” mystery has been fun. But if my father was part of this group I have a right to know who they are.
Elle: Turn on CNN. Walk down Wall Street. Go to Washington. That’s who they are. And if they find out I let an outside in. Lose the card, the stamp on your arm will fade. And stop asking questions. Stop looking.
Chuck: I’ll protect you.
Elle: How? You own father was one of them. And you didn’t even know it. Don’t contact me again.
Gossip Girl: They say every action has an equal and opposite reaction. And once something is set in motion, it can’t help but build momentum.
Chuck: Father. What were you involved in.
The Age of Dissonance
Mr. Campbell: Chuck Bass. It’s good to see you, son.
Chuck: Mr. Campbell. Hello.
Mr. Campbell: I, uh, I’m sorry for your loss. I was in Prague for the funeral or I would have paid my respects in person.
Chuck: Thank you.
Mr. Campbell: I’ll come by the office. I hear you’re learning the ropes.
Chuck: I’m trying to. Enjoy.
Chuck: Oh lucky day. Carter Baizen, back in town.
Carter: Always a delight to see you, Bass.
Chuck: Hm. Elle? You’re all right.
Elle: You have the wrong person. My name is Haley.
Chuck: What are you doing with this loser?
Carter: Back off, Bass. The lady says she doesn’t know you.
Chuck: She knows me. to Elle I know you’re in some kind of trouble. Whatever help you need you’re not going to find it with him.
Elle: Carter, I have to use the ladies room. Get me a drink?
Chuck: Just wait a sec—
Carter: C’mon, Bass. Don’t cause a scene. Heard you were in Thailand recently. You should have come to see me in Singapore. Of course I had to leave in a hurry.
Chuck: Oh Singapore. I’m surprised you made it out in one piece.
Carter: I’m hooked up on every continent. I landed last night. Rolled into Apothéke and met— well who really cares what her name is, right? God bless America.
[]: Mr. Baizen. Your date just exited through the kitchen.
Chuck: Welcome home.
Gossip Girl: In life as in art, some endings are bittersweet. Especially when it comes to love. Sometimes fate throws two lovers together, only to rip them apart.
Dorota: Miss Blair is out, Mr. Chuck.
Chuck: I’ll wait.
Gossip Girl: Sometimes the hero finally makes the right choice. But the timing is all wrong. And, as they say, timing is everything.
The Grandfather
Chuck: I went to see her last week. She never came home. It’s not like our girl to be out all night. I know something’s going on. This is more than her having her dirty laundry aired on Gossip Girl.
Serena: She, um, she got rejected by Yale.
Chuck: The only thing she wanted more than me. That would be painful.
Serena: Chuck, she’s embarrassed. So we just need to give her some time to lick her wounds.
Chuck: Maybe I can lick them for her.
Chuck: I would have come here earlier. I stopped to pick up something.
Blair: How thoughtful.
Chuck: Serena thinks you’re in some kind of trouble. Seems to me your only problem is having a party all by your lonesome.
Carter: Except she’s not alone.
Chuck: What are you doing with this insect?
Blair: Having the time of my life. Thank you very much.
Chuck: Well as much as I enjoy bursting your bubble, he’s just using you to get at me. Ask him about his role as a kidnapper for a certain secret gentleman’s club. I should know, I had him expelled.
Carter: Oh please. All I did is bring that girl to a waiting pile of cash. Which I understand she gladly took before leaving town. Without you.
Chuck: Blair. This guy—
Blair: What? Dishonest? Bad news? He can’t be any worse than you.
Chuck: I’m the one trying to help you!
Blair: Help me? Is that what you were doing at your little gentleman’s club while my life was going up in flames? I’d rather take Carter’s help.
Serena: Hey. We have a problem.
Chuck: Let me guess. Carter Baizen. As usual you’re a step behind.
Dorota: I’m sorry but Miss Blair very specific. No tell Miss Serena, no tell Mr. Chuck. But if Mr. Chuck come tell him Mr. Carter more attentive to woman’s—
Chuck: Enough! I’m not going to play “Where’s Waldorf” all night.
A prepubescent girl answers the door: May I help you?
Chuck: Great. Looks like Polanski’s in town.
Chuck: Go find Dan. I’ll make sure this social eulogy doesn’t get out of hand.
Serena: Thanks Chuck.
Oh Blair. I think you’ve had too much to drink.
Blair: Oh. You would know. Three DUIs now, is it? Not that I blame you. Her way to escape the whispers that you made your money in adult entertainment websites.
Chuck stepping in: Sorry everyone. Pulls Blair away.
Blair: Bye!
Chuck to the porn impresario: Big fan of your sites.
Chuck: What are you doing? Trying to destroy the old you? Burn every bridge? It won’t help. Believe me I’ve tried.
Blair: Well maybe I should head up to the roof, make it a little more dramatic.
Chuck: This isn’t you.
Blair: How would you know?
Chuck: Because I know you better than I know myself.
Blair: Oh. Right. You can see right through me. Can’t you, Chuck? Right to my core. Do you remember the first time you saw the real me? The Blair that danced for you that night at Victrola? The Blair with none of the hangups, none of the frustrations. That’s the Blair right here. Take me now.
Chuck: Why?
Blair: To prove that nothing matters.
Chuck: No. This isn’t you. It’s not the Blair I want.
Blair: That’s right. And I never will be again.
Serena: Chuck. Nothing. Okay, fine. Have fun drinking by yourself. She turns to leave.
Chuck: I’m losing her.
Serena: Well then fight for her. She did for you.
Chuck: I tried. And failed.
Serena: Well then try again, Chuck. Her plan didn’t work out for her and she doesn’t know what’s going to happen next. If you want to be back in her life make her feel safe. You know what to say.
Remains of the J
Dan: What does Chuck Bass do at 8am? It’s not like you work out.
Chuck: I do my cardio in the evenings. Morning is for business. For which I’m late . So if you’ll excuse me.
Eric: Does this feel like a sitcom to anybody else?
Dan: Feels like a reality show.
Chuck: Good. So I can vote you off.
Chuck: I see you got the email I sent from Nate’s account. His password has been “soccer” since the fifth grade. Look, Blair leaves his place at this time every morning. When you’re ready to do something about it you know where I am.
Blair: Nate and I have—had—plenty of spark. Better than that, fireworks.
Chuck: That was us.
Blair: Chuck. Don’t act like I didn’t fight for you. I did. Hard. For a long time. So please, forgive me if now that we’re over I’m exhausted.
Chuck: So why are you with Nate? Because it’s easy?
Blair: I’m not “with” Nate. But if I was what’s wrong with easy? Maybe it’s easy because it’s right.
Chuck: Oh really. Is that why Nate is so reluctant to break things off with Vanessa. You do know they’re still dating, right?
Vanessa: I came to you because I wanted to do something besides feel sorry for myself. But all it’s been is sleazy platitudes and… you staring at my boobs.
Chuck: I came up with several excellent ideas. You shot most of them down.
Vanessa: Yeah, because they all involved leaking a Chuck/Vanessa sex tape to the internet.
Chuck: We don’t have to leak the tape if you don’t want to.
Vanessa: You’re consistent. If twisted.
Vanessa: They’ve been in there for awhile. What if all we did was push them closer together?
Chuck: You just need to relax. And trust in the power of our overwhelming sexual chemistry to drive a wedge between them.
Chuck: You’re going to leave without saying goodbye. I knew you were more like me than you were letting on.
Vanessa: Chuck, it’s morning now. As in cold light of. As in let’s pretend last night didn’t happen. We can just as easily pretend this didn’t happen too.
Seder Anything
Chuck: The Prodigal Daughter returns. How was Spain?
Serena: Amazing. Perfect.
Chuck: I’m sure. You and Poppy dancing on tabletops in Barcelona. Sunbathing nude on Costa del Sol.
Serena: More like me and Poppy and her boyfriend Gabriel on the coast, ah… I just read and ate and… you know. Swam.
Chuck: So there was nude sunbathing.
Serena: Hey, is my mom around?
Chuck: I haven’t seen her. But I have been occupied. Last night’s entertainment. She’s a synchronized swimmer. Can hold her breath for five minutes.
Serena: So you found a way to get over Blair then.
Chuck: Well there was a detour with a BoHo barista. But then I realized I’m a seventeen year old billionaire. With tremendous stamina. Tonight I have a date with the Bolshoi’s lead ballerina. By the way, I saw Poppy Lifton at the Rose Bar last week. It’s funny how she can be there yet still be in Spain with you.
Chuck: What a shock. The girl from Brooklyn is a renter.
Jenny: Don’t you have a guest to attend to?
Chuck: It appears I already did. A year ago. Probably should have noticed in the elevator. How many women could put their legs behind their—
Chuck: Blair is changing.
Nate: How do you mean?
Chuck: She could have had me. But she chose you. Now she just needs someone to believe in her.
Chuck to Jenny: I never apologized for what happened last year. I deeply regret my actions of that night. If you ever do move in here I’ll make sure I’m not around.
Southern Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Chuck: Well. You suck more than usual today.
Nate: I’m a little distracted. Things with—
Chuck: It’s okay. You can say her name.
Nate: Blair. I feel a little weird talking about it with you.
Chuck: Nathaniel she’s your girlfriend. If you want to be friends like we were it’s just part of the deal.
Chuck: Archibald, let’s face it. You won, I lost. You have nothing to worry about with me. I’m out of that game.
Nate: Well I certainly don’t have to worry about your weakass jump anyway.
Chuck: Blair. I see you’re wearing your beret. Who are we spying on tonight?
Blair: Serena’s shady Southerner.
Chuck: Well I can’t say he does much for me either. Why the intrigue? Don’t tell me. Not enough drama in domestic bliss with Nate. You know when people step outside their relationship for a thrill it’s usually not alone and in the dark.
Chuck: If you needed to mark your territory so badly Nathaniel, maybe you should just pee on her.
Nate: I don’t want you to go near her again. I mean that.
Blair: So what do you say Bass? One last mission?
Chuck: By any chance do you have Poppy Lifton’s phone number?
Poppy: While I appreciate you playing the peacemaker, Chuck, I’m not sure Serena will want to see me.
Chuck: Trust me. This should be exciting for everyone.
Chuck: You should call Eleanor, we won’t be back tonight.
Blair: Wait, what? I thought she was back home in Connecticut.
Chuck: You thought wrong. Yes, hello. What time are your visiting hours? We’re coming to see Georgina Sparks.
Blair: I can’t believe I have to see my sworn enemy with Nancy Pelosi hair.
Chuck: Now that you mention it, maybe it’s best if I go in alone.
Blair: What?
Chuck: You just said it: you’re enemies. Why would she help you?
Blair: Because I’m going to threaten to send her back to boot camp if she doesn’t.
Chuck: Blair, Georgina and I go way back. We have a special bond. I can handle this one.
Blair: You didn’t even need me here. You just wanted to get me alone. Away from Nate. Away from our first night in our apartment.
Chuck: And his motives were pure of course. I’m sure it’s a simple coincidence that he asked you to move in right when you and I began speaking again.
Blair: He asked me so I wouldn’t have to take the subway next year.
Chuck: That’s maybe why he got the lease on the place. But asking you to move in was for my benefit. Ask him yourself. Or you could just trust him. The fact remains: you chose to spend the night in a car over a night in your honeymoon suite with nate. But then again we all know your weakness for limos.
Blair: I came here for my best friend.
Chuck: Is that the only reason?
Welcome! Are you a wayward soul in need of direction?
Chuck: I think I’m in the wrong place.
Georgina: Still the same old Chuck. Why can’t you believe that people can change?
Chuck: Oh people can change. But you…
Georgina: You’re wrong, Chuck. You know as bad as boot camp was it really gave me time to think about the person I’d become. Scheming, manipulative. It sickened me. So one day I decided to do something about it. I went to church, found Jesus, and I told him all my sins.
Chuck: Well I bet that was a long talk.
Georgina: He forgave me. Look, I know it seems crazy but for the first time in my life I’m happy. But if I know Chuck Bass you’re not here to be reformed.
Chuck: Hang tight. Blair and I will be there as soon as we can. Actually since my limo’s gone that might be awhile.
The Wrath of Con
Gossip Girl: Four wise men once said, “I get by with a little help from my friends”.
Chuck: Do you have a glass in this thing?
No, man. What do you think this is?
Gossip Girl: But on the Upper East Side there’s the added challenge of figuring out who those friends really are.
Chuck: Hello?
Serena: It’s as bad as we thought maybe worse.
Chuck: How so?
Serena: Well Gabriel didn’t just skip town, he took off with all the money that he got my mom and the coop to invest and he took Poppy’s money too.
The entire thing was a scam.
Chuck: Well those suits never did fit right. How much did he get?
Serena: I’m not sure. I’m on my way home to tell my mom right now. When are you going to be back?
Chuck: As fast as I can given my current transportation situation.
Serena: Hey Chuck, I really am sorry for not believing you and Blair earlier. But you never did tell me how you found out he was lying about meeting me that night at Butter.
Chuck: I’ll explain when I get there.
Georgina: Where’s Blair?
Chuck: I agreed to give you a ride. That’s all. Meals were not included.
Georgina: I told you, I just want to apologize. One of the most sacred acts is the ritual of forgiveness.
Chuck: Why is it when you say “ritual” I think human sacrifice?
Chuck: Pregnancy ruse. Cliched but effective.
Blair: What do you think?
Chuck: I sense aspiration, yearning. Striving to be accepted. But then… there’s this appealing counternote of sincerity and optimism. This is the story of a young girl who’s enjoying her first taste of the spoils of dirty oil. It’s perfection.
Nate: We need to talk.
Chuck: Can we talk inside.
Nate: We need to talk about Blair.
Chuck: Trouble in paradise?
Nate: Listen, a couple days ago you told me you were done with her. Then you went and did everything you could to try and get close to her again.
Chuck: If you have a problem with my proximity to your girlfriend then maybe you should ask Serena not to get herself into so much trouble.
Nate: You know what I couldn’t figure out is why you would go out of your way to lie to me about how you felt. Then I realized you’re not lying to me. You’re lying to yourself.
Chuck: That’s a lovely theory you’ve concocted Nathaniel. You should have it published. Now if you’ll excuse me.
Nate: You had your shot and you blew it. So why start toying with her again? If you want her, then man up and tell her. Otherwise you gotta cut her loose. You gotta cut her loose and you gotta do it for real this time because I want her.
Chuck: Listen. Blair—
Blair: No, me first. Nate’s waiting for me to give him an answer.
Chuck: I heard.
Blair: But you want to know what’s stopping me.
I can’t answer his question while I’m waiting for you to answer mine. The one I asked you forever ago. What are we Chuck?
Chuck: Blair—
Blair: Last fall you said we couldn’t be together. And I believed you. But every time I try to move on you’re right there, acting like—
Chuck: Acting like what?
Blair: Like… maybe you just want me to be as unhappy as you are.
Chuck: I would never wish that on anyone. I want you to be happy.
Blair: Then look down deep, into the soul I know you have, and tell me if what you feel for me is real. Or if it’s just a game. If it’s real, we’ll figure it out. All of us. But if it’s not… then please Chuck. Just let me go.
Chuck: It’s just a game. I hate to lose. You’re free to go.
Blair: Thank you.
Serena: Chuck why did you just do that?
Chuck: Because I love her. I can’t make her happy.
Chuck: Where is she?
Blair: She’s inside but they won’t let us talk to her.
Chuck: We’ll see about that.
Nate: You called him?
Blair: Of course I did. He’s her brother.
You have nothing to worry about with Chuck anymore.
Nate: Did he tell you that?
Blair: He gave me my answer. And you deserve yours. I don’t think we should move in together.
Nate: Me neither.
Blair: Then why—
Nate: I’m sorry, I was just using the apartment to force our issues and it’s just too big of a step. I’m sorry.
Blair: Well perhaps a more suitable step would be for you to ask me to prom.
Gossip Girl: Oh no. We warned you no good would come from spinning a wicked web. You just get all tangled up in your wicked lies.
Rufus: Please return this for me.
And the more you twist, the tighter the trap.
Chuck: I need you to dig up what dirt you can on the offices of the 55th precinct.
Nate: Detective Sanders? Yes, my grandfather William van der Bilt said you could help me get some information.
Blair: Serena’s mom gave her that bracelet. It’s been in the family for years. She couldn’t have stolen it.
Gossip Girl: Until you’re locked in a prison of your own making. Smile for the camera S. XOXO —Gossip Girl.
The Valley Girls
Blair: Serena’s been in jail for over four hours. She’s already served more time than Nicole Ritchie and Lindsay Lohan combined.
Chuck: She’s a socialite mistakenly accused of stealing a bracelet. I doubt they’re working her over with a phonebook.
Blair: When I called Lily she said she was on her way. Where is she?
Nate: I just can’t believe she had her own daughter arrested. I mean who does that?
Chuck: Someone who’s never been arrested.
Serena: Oh! I can’t believe Blair won.
Nate: Yeah. Who even voted for her?
Chuck: Me. About 150 times. I wasn’t putting the Nelly Yuki ballots in, I was taking them out.
Serena: But what about what she said you did to her limo and her hotel and her corsage?
Chuck: The dress looks better without it.
The Goodbye Gossip Girl
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