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Summer, Kind of Wonderful
The story continues…
Nate: I’ve been waiting for this all day.
Catherine: Are you sure Serena’s still okay covering for you? She was totally cold.
Nate: Oh, she’s totally fine.
Catherine: But you haven’t told her anything?
Nate: She knows that I’m seeing someone that I’m not ready to introduce just yet. She slams him back. Or ever. Look, she needed time to decompress from her breakup. Covering for me works for her too.
Jeremiah Harris: I read from your favorite chapter. Or did you not notice?
Dan: I’ve read that chapter so many time sometimes I think I wrote it myself.
Harris: Speaking of, where’s that story of yours? You know, the one your internship requires you turn in.
Dan: Yeah, it’s, uh, imminent.
Harris: So is death. Be more specific.
Dan: I’m just doing a polish. It’s basically done.
Harris: You know Shapiro at The Review is looking forward to it.
Dan: And calling him was an amazing thing to do, really.
Harris: I told him it would be even better than your piece in The New Yorker. Don’t let me down.
Jenny: I was hoping I could show you something I’ve been working on.
Laurel: This isn’t school. I don’t look at your work.
Laurel: Put that away. Eggshell gives me a migraine.
Dan: Working for you is very important for me.
Harris: And yet your actions have illustrated only the opposite.
Eric: “How well do you know Blair Waldorf?” is kind of boring for those of us that know Blair Waldorf.
Celia: Not to mention transparent.
Chuck: Well thank you, Grandma.
Celia: Why is it when you say that word it sounds like an insult.
James: It’s no wonder you hate Charade. It hits too close to home.
Blair: You don’t understand. Chuck. Is an awful person. He does terrible things. He uses people.
James: And you think you’re any different.
James: I bet you don’t even like me.
Blair: No. Well, you’re a little boring.
James: Am I? Or are you just too interested in yourself to get to know me? You two deserve each other.
James: I haven’t been honest with you.
Blair: Okay, spill it.
James: I don’t go to Princeton or Georgetown or any school whatsoever. I’m afraid I slipped up on that detail. My name is actually Marcus Beeton. I’m British. And a Lord.
Never Been Marcused
Blair: Since you don’t go to Princeton or Georgetown I assume you’re not headed back to college. So where are you headed? Are you staying here?
Marcus: Well would it be too forward of me to say I’ll go wherever you go.
Blair: I’d be honored, m’lord.
Marcus: Blair, you don’t have to call me that.
Blair: I know. I was up all night reading Debrett’s Peerage. I’m well-versed in your laws and ways. I’m ready to meet the Queen. Which I also watched on DVD, BTW.
Mrs. Archibald: I haven’t wanted to tell you this, but you’re going to find out soon enough.
Nate: Find out what?
Ann Archibald: The federal prosecutor has taken your father’s leaving town as an admission of guilt. They want us to forfeit our assets. Restitution.
Nate: They want to take our money?
Ann Archibald: Not yet. But they have frozen our accounts.
Rufus: I’d forgotten what it was like to be on the road performing for a live audience night after night.
Vanessa: And now that you’re home…
Rufus: I’m grateful. For the memory.
Nate about the investigation: We’ll deal with it.
Investigator: Maybe you will. But after spending so much time in your mom’s closet I feel like I know the lady. I don’t think she’ll adjust so well.
Blair: I just love Mozart!
Marcus: That wasn’t Mozart.
Chuck: I thought you might like to meet my friend.
Blair: Why? So she could warn me about the effects of too much botox?
Catherine: Blair, is it? I’m Duchess Beeton.
The Dark Night
Marcus: I thought you wanted my help with this party you’re hosting.
Blair: A back-to-school party for seniors and my parents. It can wait.
Marcus: But someone could walk in. Dorota.
Blair: So? Did you see Atonement? That scene in the library when they’re discovered.
Marcus: Blair, that’s not you.
Blair: It’s not.
Marcus: You’re a delicate little flower. Nothing like that trollop Keira Knightley.
Jenny: He only did that to spare you his family drama. Which is even more proof he likes you.
Vanessa: And calling won’t look desperate?
Jenny: It might? It will. It will. But in a cute romantic way.
Catherine: What happened to the money I gave you?
Nate: It’s gone. But I can pay you back as soon as our accounts are unfrozen.
Catherine: Which won’t be until your father gets back from… where was it again? Dominica?
Nate: I told you that in confidence.
Catherine: You told me that in bed.
Laurel: Jenny?
Jenny: Yeah, I know. I’ll clean the atelier as soon as I’m finished here, okay?
Laurel: The bathrooms too. Someone decided to give us a second look at breakfast.
Laurel: Remember the little birds that helped her dress? Remember how they didn’t offer their opinion? Try to imagine that you’re one of those birds. Can you do that?
Jenny: Yeah.
Laurel: Good. Now fly away.
Eleanor: So now interns have opinions. I have been gone awhile.
Nate: So you used my friends for some power play to prove you’re the one in control.
Catherine: I don’t like sharing my toys, especially if I paid for them.
Jenny: It looks like a pilgrim at a funeral. I’m sorry.
Eleanor: You’re absolutely right.
Jenny: I am?
Eleanor: Yep. Don’t let it go to your head.
Eleanor: I spent the last month going around and meeting with the stores and boutiques that carry my clothes.
Jenny: That must have been so exciting.
Eleanor: I felt like a fat cheerleader.
Marcus: Did you really not know it was him? Can you honestly tell me that?
Blair: No I knew it was him.
Marcus: Thank you.
Blair: But I want you.
Marcus: No, Blair. You want my title.
Jenny: The lights are on. Aren’t I fired?
Rufus: You got fired?
Eleanor: Oh, don’t be so dramatic.
The Ex-Files
Blair: Every year the projects pile shrinks while the victims pile—
Penelope: I believe in the voucher system.
Iz: It’s like the government doesn’t even care.
Vanessa: How can I use this to get Nate off the hook? I mean, what do I do?
Dan: Well you’re not going to like it. Blair.
Vanessa: Blair? I can’t trust Blair.
Dan: Well maybe not. But Google “revenge” and get blairwaldorf.com.
Vanessa: I’m trusting you Blair.
Blair: Like you have a choice.
Amanda: Getting my hair burned off was not a part of the deal.
Chuck: Casualties of war.
Amanda: I don’t get it. You wanted me to pretend to like this guy so he could make his ex-girlfriend jealous.
Chuck: Jealousy is a powerful emotion. I had to create a monster if I was going to dethrone a queen.
The Serena Also Rises
Jeremiah Harris: You sent me five stories. All about a sheltered young man with girl trouble who lives with his daddy in Brooklyn. You think that’s going to knock the Yale English department off their tenured asses?
Dan: I just, I thought a writer was supposed to write what he knows. This is what I know.
Jeremiah Harris: Then learn something new. Get out of your comfort zone. A cardinal rule of writing: if your work’s too safe then do something dangerous.
Dan: I wouldn’t know where to begin.
Jeremiah Harris: Then find someone who does know. When I was young Bukowski put a shot glass on my hand, blew it off with a pistol. Find your Bukowski. Then get back to me.
New Haven Can Wait
Dan: With its world class English department, Yale would be the ideal place for me to grow, to flourish, and, uh, thrive.
Dean: Kudos to you and your inner thesaurus, Mr. Humphrey.
Skull and Bones: Chuck Bass. Heir to Bass Industries. Champion of the legendary Lost Weekend. Rumor has it you’ve slept with more MAXIM covers than John Mayer.
Chuck: And better I might add.
Eleanor: I didn’t realize it was Bring Your Father to Work Day.
Rufus: Yes, well it was Jenny’s idea to show me why this was so important to her.
Eleanor: Do you remember the dreams you had when you were 15, Mr. Humphrey? What if they all started to come true? would you have told them to wait?
Angela: Let’s just talk Cholera.
Nate: Um… very painful. she laughs. No, I’m not kidding. I tried to read it and I couldn’t get through it. It’s ridiculous.
Skull and Bones: You’ve got one hour. You want in. You bring us Nate Archibald.
Chuck in Real Life
Penelope: Kelsey Kelsey Kelsey. How many times must we tell you. As one of the girls at the steps you represent Constance royalty.
Iz: So it should come as no surprise that many girls before you have gotten the axe when their choices reflected poorly on us.
Kelsey: I didn’t realize.
Blair: That tights are not pants?!?! Honestly!
Vanessa: Blair, you got a minute?
Blair: Sixty seconds, clock it. What are you doing here with those? Shouldn’t you be at Whole Foods?
Horace: This our guy?
Vanessa: Horace Rogers, meet Chuck Bass.
Horace: Man! Come here. hugs him. Look at that outfit. Didn’t know it could be worse than the one this morning. Kidding. I know [ ] when I see it. Joe Kennedy taught me.
Chuck: You knew Joe Kennedy?
Horace: Used to come in here all the time. Had a girl up the street. I was nine years old. Sellin’ papers out front. Rumor has it he kept this place in booze during Prohibition. So you like Ol’ Joe?
Chuck: Rum runner. Womanizer. Millionaire. He was my kinda guy.
Horace: They all used to come here here back in the day. Gangsters. Fighters. Musicians. Dangerous folks, no doubt. They had style. Something tells me you’d fit right in.
Chuck: That’s possibly the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Lily: You killed the story, didn’t you?
Bart: I already put out the hit.
Prêt-à-Poor J
Gossip Girl: Every girl fantasizes about finding her Prince Charming. But if that Prince refuses to come…
Dorota: You are late. Time for breakfast.
Blair: I’ll be down in a minute. I just have to finish something.
A girl has to take matters into her own hands.
Dorota: Don’t forget: God always watching, Miss Blair.
Agnes: I’m Agnes, by the way. I think we’ve worked together because I kind of recognize the top of your head.
Jenny: Jenny. And yeah, ’cause I think I recognize your feet.
Aaron: Wow. You haven’t even said your name and you’re already humiliating me.
Serena: Wow. This looks complicated.
Aaron: Don’t worry. You walk into a surgery halfway through it looks like murder.
Serena: Can I help?
Aaron: You know how to weld?
Serena: Um, I’ve seen Flashdance several times.
Eleanor: I should have known better than to give so much responsibility to a child.
Jenny: A child? I’m sorry, but this child seems to be the only one who can design anything that the buyers are remotely interested in.
Jenny: Can I at least have my dress back?
Eleanor: Sure. It’s of no use to me anyway. Here. hands Jenny the newest dress
Jenny: I don’t mean this one.
Eleanor about the runway piece: You touch this dress you will never set foot in here again.
Aaron: If you can tell me the fate of Cecil the Caterpillar I will go out with you.
Serena: Okay, I don’t really date crazy people who speak in riddles.
There Might Be Blood
Aaron: Hello.
Serena: Hey. Um, what are you doing here?
Aaron: I just had a meeting with a collector. So did you figure out—
Serena: Cecil the Caterpillar. Camp Suisse. We got married and exchanged licorice rings.
Aaron: And you ate your five minutes after the ceremony. When did you finally remember?
Serena: Um, about the time you were speeding away with a girl on the back of your motorcycle.
Aaron: Audra. Yeah, she’s a friend. No, I recognized you the moment you walked into the gallery.
Serena: No, you didn’t. But that’s okay.
Aaron: Some faces you don’t forget.
Emma: Is my mom gone?
Blair: Yes. So what kind of movies do you like? Something where the animals sing, or— Oh sweet heaven.
Emma: So. Muffy McDonough’s been bragging about how she’s going to lose her virginity because she finally landed a date with the lacrosse captain. They call him the De-Virginator.
Blair: Oh my god. Stop your mouth from moving.
Emma: But now that I have the night away from mom and dad, we’ll see who’s first. I’m saying TTFN to my you-know-what.
Blair: Or, maybe we’ll see how your mom feels about your little clearance sale, Lohan.
Chuck: Well. What do we have here? Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Chuck.
Emma: Bass. Oh my god. I read about you on Gossip Girl. You’re like the Devil.
Chuck: Finally. Some truth in advertising. Headed out, are we?
Emma: Serena, Blair and I are going to the Gala. Hope you’re coming.
Chuck: Well I’m all for company on a Saturday night but the only thing I like that aged is my Scotch.
Agnes: Why do you keep eating those pot brownies, man? You know that sugar makes you spazz.
Blair: You still don’t get it. Having sex for the first time shouldn’t be part of a competition to beat Muffy the Lacrosstitute. It should be with someone you love.
Emma: Was your first time with someone you love?
Blair: Yes. It was. And honestly? There are better ways of getting your mother’s attention.
Emma: I told you, this is about Muffy.
Blair: Please. I wrote the book on distracted, self-centered mothers. My mom has never met a single one of my teachers. She regularly forgets my birthday. And she only comments on my appearance when she has something to criticize.
Emma: But you’re perfect.
Blair: True. But that’s why I finally realized it wasn’t about me. The same way it’s not about you.
Blair: Mrs. Boardman, before you say anything you’ll regret—
Elizabeth: What was your plan? Take my daughter clubbing and hope she’d plead your case to the Dean? I have some bad news for you, Miss Waldorf. From what I’ve seen, you’re not Yale material.
Blair: Oh you haven’t seen anything yet. Tell me, did you have a nice time with your Bryn Mawr friends?
Elizabeth: What is that supposed to mean?
Blair: Here. Let me lend you my phone. You’ll be needing it to make a call to New Haven.
Emma: Mom, this isn’t Blair’s fault—
Elizabeth: I told you to go to bed!
Emma: Blair was only trying to help me.
Elizabeth: You’re lecturing me? No wonder I don’t want to spend time with you. Bed! Right now! You were saying?
Blair: Just. Your daughter’s a great girl. You should pay more attention to her. Soon it’ll be too late.
Aaron: You didn’t eat that ring, did you?
Serena: No, not yet.
Aaron: Good. It’s nine years old.
Serena: Wait. You kept yours?
Aaron: I’ll see you tonight.
Bonfire of the Vanity
Blair: Dorota are you insane?!
Dorota: I don’t know.
Aaron: I’ve shown you the most beautiful places I know. Now I’m showing the most beautiful places you.
Serena: Tell me when you’re ready. I’ve been practicing my poses.
Aaron: Okay Zoolander.
Dorota: You have glow Miss Eleanor. Like Chinese lantern.
Eleanor: Well. It’s love, Dorota.
Blair: How can you possibly love Cyrus? He does all the things you hate. He uses the wrong fork. He slurps his soup, he wears sports socks. He’s short and pushy. He’s nothing like Daddy.
Eleanor: Which is precisely why I like him. Harold was lovely in a million ways but he had his secrets. Cyrus is someone I can trust.
Jenny: Wait, what are you doing with my dresses?
Agnes: You know when I let you in I had no idea you’d be such a little thief. Stealing my contact list and our whole business—
Jenny: I wasn’t stealing, Agnes.
Agnes: You know you think you’re so talented and unique, don’t you?
Jenny: No. I don’t.
Agnes: You know three weeks ago you were absolutely nothing. You were a little intern, pinning my hem.
Cyrus: Ah. The Mythical Serena.
Serena: Oh. You must be Cyrus, Eleanor’s boyfriend. How did you know who I was?
Cyrus: Well I recognized you from Aaron’s studio.
Serena: You know Aaron?
Cyrus: He’s my son.
Serena: Oh my goodness.
Cyrus: You didn’t catch the family resemblance? Oh, it’s okay.
Eleanor: Did you cheat on your ex-wife?
Cyrus: Eleanor—
Eleanor: Well, did you? Is it true?
Cyrus: Yes. it is.
Eleanor: Get out.
Blair: You threw in the towel rather easily. I expected a harder fight.
Cyrus: I’m smart enough to know that getting into a war with Eleanor’s daughter is never going to result in a victory.
Blair: So you retreated with dignity.
Cyrus: Who says I gave up?
Blair: Oh my god. You outmaneuvered me! You deliberately let me win counting on the fact that Cyndi Lauper would prey on my emotions.
Cyrus: I’m a lawyer. I do think a few moves ahead. Some of us can’t rely entirely on our looks, you know.
Blair: Well done.
Cyrus: Not enough.
Blair: Fine! You’re a genius. You better be good to my mother or I’ll be coming for you.
Cyrus: Those are fair terms.
Blair: Now. Come upstairs and
stand next to me while I tell my mom the whole truth about the golden lion. She’ll be furious with me so I may need an attorney.
Aaron: I don’t know how it works in high school, but I like to date more than one person at once. You’re free to date other people too.
Serena: Well thank you for the condescending lecture but that’s not really my thing.
Bart: I want to apologize, son.
Chuck: Apologize.
Bart: I never blamed you for your mother’s death. I read that short story that Dan Humphrey wrote about you and your mother. I had no idea you felt that way.
It’s my fault. I know I’ve had trouble being close to you. But it’s not for the reasons you think. It’s just hard because— every time I look at you I see her.
Chuck: You miss her.
Bart: You have no idea. I’ve made terrible mistakes in my life but I don’t want to make another. I want to know my son. So any interest in going to that hockey game?
Chuck: I’ll, ah, clear my calendar.
The Magnificent Archibalds
Lawyer: I need to be sure you understand what “emancipation” means.
Jenny: I do. I’ve been researching it.
Eric: She’s made me watch Irreconcilable Differences like 15 times.
Lawyer: Once you file the state opens up an investigation into your family. There has to be proof of parental neglect. Just fill out these papers authorizing the investigation. Once you sign them your parents will be notified.
Jenny: Wait, they have to be notified?
Lawyer: Well of course. They need to know you no longer want to be their child.
Vanessa: My plan is to hole myself up in my studio, rent Berlin Alexanderplatz, and eat a frozen and organic turkey dinner.
Dan: Oh! Well god, you know no one enjoys a 16-hour German movie more than yours truly, but uh, you could come here instead.
Vanessa: I don’t really feel like seeing Jenny.
Dan: Well I’m pretty sure she’s not coming so you can take her chair.
Vanessa: I didn’t realize things were still that bad between her and your dad. Where is she having Thanksgiving? With Nate?
Dan: No, Nate and Jenny aren’t spending time together anymore. So how ’bout it? A Fassbinder- and freezer-free Thanksgiving at my place?
Vanessa: Well, when you put it that way.
Nate: It was nice of the Roths to let us stay at their place while they’re in Aspen.
Anne Archibald: Very. I’m not sure what we would have done. We don’t have a lot of options left, Nate.
Nate: Yeah. I kind of noticed.
Anne: But I’m hoping that’s about to change.
Captain: Hey son, I missed you so much.
Captain: My life in Dominica is… well it’s good. We moved some money offshore before I left—enough to get a house on the ocean. Weather’s always perfect, people are nice.
Nate: I’m so happy you’re living it up in the Caribbean while we’re squatting with no heat in New York.
Anne: Just hear him out, Nate.
Captain: I want to make things better. I know how hard your life has been because of what I did. I can’t turn back the clock. But I can ask you to come live with me. All the money in the world isn’t worth it without the two of you to share it with.
Nate: Mom, did you know about this?
Anne: Yes. And I’d like to go. But only if you want to come too.
Captain: Please, Nate! We can be a family again. All you have to do is say yes.
Bart: So how are things while we were away?
Eric: Um. Not so good. I don’t think it’s working out with Jonathan.
Bart: Huh. What do you know about someone at your school named Ben Shern?
Eric: He’s the uh, captain of Jonathan’s swim team. Why?
Bart: Just, maybe you want to ask Jonathan what he was doing Monday night.
Blair: Mother, is there anything you want to tell me?
Eleanor: Why, yes, actually there is! And I will tell you tonight, at the restaurant, once everyone is assembled for dinner.
Blair: Of all the things you’ve done, Mother, this one is the worst. I’m your daughter. Lumping me in with everyone else to hear the news?
Eleanor: I don’t know what “news” you are referring to, Blair. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go check the reservations for dinner. She walks off
Blair: Dorota! Get it together. We’re leaving. If I’m just like anyone else to her I doubt she’ll notice I’m not at dinner.
Dorota: But it’s your favorite holiday.
Blair: Not anymore.
Nate: Look, you and Chuck and Dan… I’ve somehow managed to alienate everyone. If you could just give Rufus his CDs I’d appreciate that.
Vanessa: Of course.
Nate: Uh, Vanessa, listen, uh, take care of yourself. Alright?
Serena: Oh my god! You’re here!
Aaron: Hey.
Serena: Hey. That was so not on the same level as my “hi”.
Aaron: Uh… I bumped into Dan at the store. He just said something, I’m trying to figure it out.
Serena: Figure what out?
Aaron: Something about a girl named Georgina?
Serena: What? What’s, um, he even talking about? That’s… gosh. Um. Well you know he’s… he’s probably just jealous.
Aaron: Yeah, I mean he was talking about Thanksgiving a lot last year when you two were together, so.
Serena: Well. I guess he’s just not as over me as I thought he was. But seriously. Aaron, the next time he starts to tell you stories about me—
Aaron: No no, It’s never going to happen again.
Chuck: I knew you’d come back for more.
Vanessa: Chuck, you know how hard this call was for me to make.
Chuck: I’m listening.
Vanessa: The FBI just came to see me and Nate’s in trouble.
Chuck: Tell someone who cares.
Vanessa: Chuck, this is serious. He needs our help.
Dan: Aaron, hey.
Aaron: Well if it isn’t the last person I wanted to see.
Dan: Sorry?
Aaron: Why’d you lie about Serena?
Nate: You know, when you called I thought it was an emergency. Obviously I was wrong.
Vanessa: It’s more like an intervention.
Chuck: There’s someone you need to talk to.
Vanessa: The FBI knows that your dad’s in town. And they think he’s about to commit a crime even worse than fraud or embezzlement.
Nate: Like what?
Chuck: Like extortion. Kidnapping.
Bart: Dan and his father just left to look for Jenny so maybe now would be the perfect time to tell me what the hell’s been going on here today, Lily.
Lily: You first.
Bart: Where did you get those?
Lily: It doesn’t matter. Did you read these?
Serena and Eric: Only mine.
Bart: None of you were supposed to—
Lily: Find them. I can’t believe this. You did this to me and I dealt with it. But the kids—my kids—
Serena: Mom, you knew about this?
Lily: We’ll talk about that later.
Bart: I’m just trying to protect them. If you’re going to let your son and daughter go where they please and do as they please someone has to look out for them.
Lily: There’s a a difference between looking out for them and treating them like criminals in their own home. How do expect them to trust us if we don’t trust them? Okay kids, let’s go.
Bart: Where are you going?
Lily: Well this day is about family. And if you’re not for my family then I’m going to take mine and spend it with them.
Nate: Dad, listen. I love you. But if you can’t do the right thing then I can’t respect you. So the choice is yours. You go out that service entrance and you ruin our relationship forever. Or you be a man and you turn yourself in when they get here.
Captain: Well that’s not a choice.
Nate: It is a choice. Because I’m sick of living in the mess you created for us. And I’m not going to do it anymore. And I hope you won’t either.
Eleanor: Jenny. You look cold. Here. to Blair Come on dear, you’ve made your point.
Blair: I don’t think I have.
Eleanor: Well I think that you might feel differently when you find out what I have been waiting to show you.
Blair: I’ll come. On one condition. Jenny has to go home too.
Eleanor: I think that’s a terrific idea. Everyone should be where they belong on Thanksgiving. With their family. So c’mon. C’mon c’mon c’mon. We’ll drop you off.
Vanessa: Hey. We were hoping you’d be here.
Nate: My mom’s inside signing papers in the dark. We’ve got our house back, now all we need is some electricity. I can’t thank you guys enough.
Chuck: I’m gonna leave you guys alone.
Vanessa: I didn’t… want you to go. And I didn’t like to admit it, but I still—
Nate: Still?
Vanessa: It’s not important There’s the whole thing with Jenny and I don’t want to get in the way of that.
Nate: Vanessa, I haven’t heard from Jenny in weeks so, uh, if you’d like, can we get together sometime?
Vanessa: I guess that’d be okay. Call me.
Nate: I will. Vanessa walks off (and squeezes Chuck’s arm in thanks)
Chuck: By the way, I’m glad you stayed too.
Nate: Thanks man.
Chuck: Now let’s, uh, let’s get drunk in style.
Aaron: I don’t need to read that.
Serena: No, I think you do.
Aaron: Anything you want to tell me, you can tell me yourself. I want to know you. No matter what you’ve done or how long ago.
It’s a Wonderful Lie
Penelope: Oh. Hello Weird Documentary Girl.
Vanessa: Bye Sad Blair Wannabe.
Jenny: How could you? Really Vanessa? Lying and seeing Nate behind my back?
Vanessa: I’m… so sorry. I’ve been meaning to tell you I just wasn’t sure how.
Jenny: You knew this entire time why Nate wasn’t calling and it was because he was with you.
Vanessa: I understand that you’re upset. But if I remember correctly you kissed Nate behind my back first.
Jenny: And I felt so horrible about it that I ran after you and you were gone. So what happened to not letting a guy get in between us? Are you really that desperate?
Vanessa: Are you really that jealous, Jenny?
Jenny: Oh my god!
Vanessa: I’m sorry you found out this way. I am. But since you have, you might as well know that Nate asked me to the ball tomorrow night. And I think I’m going to go.
Aaron: You okay with her coming tomorrow?
Serena: Yeah. It’s a little When Harry Met Crazy but as long as Dan’s fine with it, then—
Aaron: I’m guessing Dan will end up being more than fine with it.
Serena: Meaning?
Aaron: Lexi likes to sleep with guys on the first date. She claims it’s a political statement against male-dominated sexual hypocrisy. Or something.
Serena: Can’t she just vote?
Chuck: Taking off?
Bart: Morning meeting in Miami. I should be back tomorrow.
Chuck: Sure that’s wise? Seems to me the old marriage thermostat is headed south of late.
Bart: And whose fault is that? Thanksgiving was a disaster because of those files. And you think I don’t know who had the combination to that safe? Every time I think we’re making progress you show your true colors.
Penelope: Jenny, Isabel’s dress looks a little like one of yours, don’t you think?
Jenny: No. I know about a little something called lining.
Penelope: Well what if you didn’t?
Vanessa: Jenny. What are you doing here?
Jenny: I’m still mad at you.
Vanessa: So what, you’re going to kill me and put me in the garment bag?
Jenny: I couldn’t sleep last night. I was up half the night making this before I realized who it was for.
Vanessa: You made that for me?
Jenny: Yeah. I mean, um, I said some pretty awful things ’cause I was hurt. So I guess just consider this a peace offering. You’ll look great.
Blair: I thought I made it clear that we need to find Chuck the perfect date. Kirsten Curran is the loosest girl in our class. Don’t you know Chuck doesn’t like his fruit pre-picked?
Dorota: She has long hair. In Poland long hair symbolizes—
Blair: And Elizabeth Phillips is somewhere between Mormon and moron. How did you come up with these?
Dorota: Facebook. I join few groups.
Blair: This has to be Chuck’s dream girl. Intelligent but not a bookworm. Strong-willed but still feminine. An equal. And he likes brunettes. With deep brown eyes.
Dorota: But Miss Blair, that’s you.
Blair: No. That girl is out there. And you better hope for your sake that I find her!
Dorota: Please, I don’t want to shine Mr. Chuck’s shoes for a month.
Blair: Yeah, his shoes if you’re lucky.
Dorota: What?
Blair: Nothing.
Penelope: Where is she? How long does that subway thing take?
Nate: Jenny. Did you do that to Vanessa?
Jenny: Yeah. You don’t understand, okay? She completely—
Nate: She what? She lied? She went behind your back? So what? For that she deserved to be publicly humiliated? She’s your friend, Jenny. You know, there’s no reason to tell you this now, but I wrote you this letter after the fashion show. Telling you I had feelings for you.
Jenny: I never got that.
Nate: I know. Vanessa stole it. But she felt so bad about it she came and told me the truth.
Jenny: Okay, look. I know what you must think of me right now. But if I had gotten—
Nate: I’m glad you didn’t. Honestly? You’re not who I thought you were.
Bart: As much as I appreciate company from the airport, I thought I made myself clear: your services are no longer required.
Andrew Tyler: You gave me a final assignment. And trust me, you do want to know what I found out.
Nate: Vanessa! Wait. You stole my letter.
Vanessa: I know.
Nate: Is there anything else you want to tell me?
Vanessa: Pretty sure that was it.
Nate: You said you never felt this way about anyone before. Was that true?
Vanessa: Does it matter?
Nate: Okay, listen. After all we’ve been through, when you walked away tonight all I could think was “She’s the one I want to be with.” So yeah, it matters.
Vanessa: That’s easy for you to say. Because you didn’t just pull a Janet Jackson at the Snowflake Ball.
O Brother, Where Bart Thou?
Cecilia: Ah! Come. Eat. You need your strength.
Serena: I’m not hungry.
Eric: I’m saving room for later.
Cecilia: In times of great uncertainties it’s even more important that we continue our daily rituals.
Serena: You haven’t eaten a Cheerio since you’ve been here.
Eric: And we know that’s gin in your coffee cup.
Cecilia: My point exactly. Life must go on. As it always has.
Lily: Mother if you want to talk now is not the time.
Cecilia: What does Chuck know?
Lily: Did you not hear what I just said?
Cecilia: He knows something about you and Rufus. You should find out what.
Lily: Mother, I just came from burying my husband. I don’t have the time, inclination or frankly the mental capacity to go head-to-head with Chuck. And what he knew he already told Bart. So there’s nothing to worry about now is there?
Cecilia: Let’s hope not. But you won’t know until you talk to him I saw him head up the stairs.
Blair: I told Chuck I love him.
Cyrus: Really? That’s wonderful.
Blair: No it’s not. It’s horrible. I thought that if I could finally say it that everything would change but he’s jut as selfish and soulless as ever. Only a masochist could ever love such a narcissist. Help me.
Cyrus: You don’t need help. He just needs time. He hugs her.
Blair: Wait, not enough. She hugs him tighter
Cyrus: Don’t worry. It’ll all be okay. You’ll see dear.
Cecilia: What are you going to do about the fact that you’re in love with Rufus Humphrey?
Lily: Well I’m not sure I’m going to do anything. At least not right away.
Cecilia: So you are in love with him. I was fishing.
Lily: Well. You caught me. Considering the circumstances I have tried with all of my strength to fight it. It is a curse I do not wish on my worst enemy. But. I love Rufus.
Serena: So that’s why Chuck was so upset.
Tyler: Congratulations. You’re the high bidder. The only bidder, actually.
Chuck: Well if Lily didn’t spend every dollar she has maybe it’s not worth it.
Tyler: I was dealing with her mother. She said Lily wanted to stop hiding her past, come clean.
Chuck: Well. Tell me what’s the point in paying to know something if she’s gong to tell everyone anyway.
Tyler: Maybe there is none. But you’re about to become the richest kid in New York. If I were you I’d want to make that decision myself.
Rufus: This can’t be good. Ceci.
Cecilia: Rufus.
Rufus: I’m actually on my way out if you don’t mind.
Cecilia: There’s something you need to know.
Rufus: Isn’t there always when you’re around.
Cecilia: Throughout my whole life the only thing I’ve ever wanted is my daughter’s happiness. My means to achieving might shift with time but my goal remains the same.
Rufus: Uh, since this about Lily she could be the one to tell—or not tell me. I won’t allow your meddling to come between us again.
Cecilia: I gave her a chance to tell you, she didn’t take it. In fact she asked me to pay a lot of money to make the problem go away.
Rufus: But you didn’t do that, did you.
Cecilia: The real problem is that she’s in love with you.
Rufus: Why is that a problem?
Cecilia: Because so long as she holds on to this, the two of you don’t have a chance in hell of making this work. I want you to have this chance. Don’t you?
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In the Realm of the Basses
Jack: Blair. You came to greet us.
Blair: Not you, Jack. Chuck. You said you found him.
Jack: In Bangkok. He was staying at our hotel there. I mean, you hear the term “den of iniquity” but to really see it—
Blair: Do you have him or not?
Jack: Nephew mine, vous etes arrivés! Jack and the chauffeur pull Chuck out of the limo. Tell his teachers he’ll be taking a personal day.
Blair to Dorota: Why are you following me? Go home and get ready for my party.
Jenny: They treat her like their servant.
Eric: And it is none of your business. It’s a new year, remember? New leaf, new Jenny Humphrey.
Penelope proffering a scuffed shoe: Um, Nelly. Nelly cleans her shoe.
Jenny: Okay, no. That’s not okay.
Eric: And here we go.
Hazel: Do you know what you’re doing, Little J?
Jenny: I’m not Little J. anymore.
Nelly: Thank you so much.
Jenny pushing her out the door: Just keep walking.
Penelope: Hazel. Clean my shoe!
Queller: Miss Waldorf, this is not normal.
Blair: Headmistress Queller, Chuck is in no state to represent himself and as Mrs. Bass is—
Chuck: Van der Woodsen. My father’s dead.
Blair: —is indisposed with grief, someone has to be here. So I am.
Jack: Sorry I’m late. Jack Bass, Chuck’s uncle. How are ya?
Chuck: Uncle Jack. What a surprise. How’ve you been?
Jack: Uh huh. So you don’t remember our rickshaw ride down Ceylon Road? The fifteen hour flight?
Chuck: That was you?
Jack: Yeah. That was me.
Jack: I figured, Principal’s Office, one needs a parent or a guardian. Parents being dead—sorry Chuck—I’m the closest thing. So what seems to be the problem?
Queller: I found Charles smoking marijuana on school property.
Chuck: It was hash, actually. I find it gives a softer high.
Jack: Right. {ponders that}. The evidence seems questionable.
Blair: I think we can all agree that Charles has been through an ordeal. He’s clearly out of his right mind and can’t be held responsible for his actions. It’s temporary insanity. Headmistress, no court can find him guilty of a crime. How can we?
Queller: Mr. Bass has been through a lot. Do you promise me that nothing like this will never happen again?
Gossip Girl: Pop quiz: What do you get when you cross Chuck Bass, a billion dollars, and Bart cold in the ground?
Chuck: For you, Headmistress, anything.
Gossip Girl: Free fall.
Chuck: Everyone. It has been a pleasure. {takes out another hash cigarette}
Jack: So what kinda suspension we lookin’ at?
Jenny: Nelly has put in a full year of service. She should be allowed to leave without reprisals. For example, people breaking into her locker and smashing her glasses.
Blair: I see. Rebuttal.
Penelope: First, there’s been a long tradition of newer members being subjected to more… attention.
Hazel: Some of the things I had to do? Disgusting!
Blair: Oh I remember. I made you do them.
Penelope: But more importantly, once people find out you can quit, the girls at the steps will be finished.
Iz: Blair’s leaving us behind. It’s like the end of an era.
Penelope: We’re more than any one member. And the only way Nelly is leaving, is in a body bag.
Hazel: God. P. Tone down the crazy.
Iz: So should I keep counting?
Hazel: Oh, shut up, Iz.
Penelope: Eric, where’s Little J? I imagine cleaning out her locker.
Jenny: Actually, I just got done writing a Gossip Girl post. Seeing how Penelope, for the past six months you’ve been having an affair with your dad’s junior partner. And Hazel. You got drunk and hooked up with your cousin. Twice.
Hazel: Oh my god.
Jenny: And Isabel. Do I even have to say?
Iz: No.
Penelope: Those things were told to you in confidence.
Jenny: More like stupidity. And unless you tell your parents to back off, I hit send.
Penelope: Duh. You win.
Jenny: I know.
Nelly: Okay, big miscalculation. See, I kinda thought coming back to school you did want to be queen.
Eric: Oh, that’s not good.
Nelly: And I was never going to move past Hazel and Iz. But I thought maybe if there was a new regime—
Jenny: Wait. You played me? You? Nelly Yuki?
Blair: So you know, I don’t trust you.
Jack: All I want is what’s best for my nephew. And as for trusting me, do you really have a choice?
Blair: He can’t know what happened on New Years.
Jack: Goodnight Blair.
Gone with the Will
Blair: Morning Jack.
Jack: Blair.
Blair: Chuck asked me to come to the reading of the will for support.
Jack: Only thing he’s going to need support for is the massive influx into his bank account.
Blair: Charming.
Jack: Come out with me tonight.
Blair: I told you I’m not interested.
Jack: Didn’t seem that way on New Years.
Blair: Whatever may have transpired between us, what’s important is what it means to me. Which is nothing.
Jack: Do you think it would be nothing to Chuck? Let’s ask him now, shall we?
Blair: Let’s not.
Jack: Aw. No one wants to play today, huh?
Chuck: Let’s get this over with.
Jack: Courage, nephew. I’m going to be running Bass Industries and you’re about to inherit a billion dollars.
Chuck: I know my father. There’ll be so many strings attached I’ll look like a marionette. He wouldn’t miss his last chance to put me in my place.
Lawyer: Now Charles, your uncle Jack Bass is your closest living relative has been named as your legal guardian. Are you comfortable with this?
Chuck: Curfew?
Jack: No.
Chuck: Girls sleeping over.
Jack: Yes. Please.
Chuck: I’ll allow it.
Chuck: Look I owe you a lot, Jack. You saved my life when I didn’t want to be saved.
Jack: You noticed that Thai waitress I was going to take home the other night had a penis. So, consider us even.
Chuck: Look I’ve decided to follow my father’s wishes and take over Bass Industries.
Jack: Well we can discuss that when you turn 18. Anyway you’re in charge in name. It’s better. All of the fun, none of the work.
Chuck: I want to start now.
Jack: This isn’t an after-school job. You have no experience. You’re not ready.
Chuck: If you want to stay in New York, I’ll find a place for you in the company. I know it’s going to be a long road, but I’m ready now.
Jack: What do you say we throw him a party to celebrate him running the company?
Blair: Why not celebrate Bart dying? That would be just as tasteless.
Mini-minion: Dating Nate Archibald after striking out with Dan Humphrey? Talk about failing upwards.
Jack: I owe you an apology. The fact is, you’re Bart’s son and it is your rightful place.
Chuck: Your blessing means a lot to me.
Jack: Good. Now before we start spooning I want to take you out tonight to properly celebrate.
Chuck: I’m having dinner with Blair.
Jack: Reschedule.
Chuck: She’s been a good friend to me.
Jack: Yeah. I saw you two talking this morning. Last time I had a friend like that I wind up with gonorrhea.
Chuck: Suprex?
Jack: Rocephin.
Hazel: You stole Dan Humphrey’s phone?
Penelope: Not bad, Nelly. At this rate you’ll be off probation by your second marriage. Is that candy?
Chuck: You’re my only family. How could you do this to me?
Jack: You did it to yourself. Clearly I was right and you weren’t ready.
Chuck: You have your own life, your own company.
Jack: Sure. In Australia. My dear brother literally placed me
on the other side of the world. I did everything right. I ran that place without complaint. And it thrived under my watch. And this is how he repays me. By giving the company to a teenager who can’t keep his pecker in his pants for 24 hours.
Chuck: At least I can keep mine in service for longer than five minutes.
Jack: You can have that. I’ll take Bass Industries.
Chuck: It’s not yours to take. My father gave it to me.
Jack: Actually, there is one stipulation attached to your appointment. A morality clause. Bart knew his son. He specified that should you in any way act inappropriately, the board has the option to replace you. With your legal guardian. Which wouldn’t you know it, is me. I already talked to the board. I’m in charge now.
Chris Rossen: It was last year. Andrew was sailing with some friends. They jumped in the water. Andrew got caught in a riptide.
Lily: I’m so sorry, um—
Rufus: Yeah, if we had known we wouldn’t have even bothered you.
Chris Rossen: It’s my wife. She’s had trouble with it. It was too painful for her to tell you because, well, it was too painful for her to tell anyone.
You’ve Got Yale
Harold Waldorf: Is Chuck joining us? You know how he loves a good tragedy.
Chuck: No, I told you. Under 18 and I want verification. I don’t care where you have to import them from. I want them young and unstable.
Jack: You can cancel that order. I already ate.
Chuck: I’ll get right back to you.
Jack: Your bush league attempts to take me down are getting kind of boring. Although I must admit having the freshman class of Brealey hold their annual sleep over at my hotel room was a nice touch. By the way, don’t be alarmed but our stock might take a dip today. I’m still adjusting to the learning curve.
Chuck: What you’re doing is trying too hard. You’re obviously not cut out for the job. Which is why Bart never let you out of the Outback. You should be more careful.
Jack: Or what? It’s my company now, kid. You saw to that. Will the Board and I be seeing you at the opera tonight? Even though you’re no longer in charge you are still the public face of the company. I think it’s important you display it. Show there’s no hard feelings.
Chuck: Maybe I’ll show them they made the wrong choice instead. Oh wait, you’re already doing that for me, aren’t you?
Jack: No matter. We probably won’t be
seeing much of each other anyway. I’ll be in your father’s seats and you’ll be, well, somewhere else.
Blair: I’m sorry. I simply can’t read it. The font’s to small. I’ll have to check it on a real computer. Nelly rudely grabs it out of her hands.
Nelly: It says wait listed. In bold.
Headmistress Queller: I know that patience and trust aren’t exactly your strong suits, but you’ll just have to rise to the occasion, hm?
Jack: Aw! A minority shareholder’s meeting.
Jack: If I had known my own personal Mata Hari was here I would’ve come sooner.
Lily: Yes well I was just being brought up to date on your progress or lack thereof.
Jack: I’ll right
myself eventually. I just have to get my legs under me. Maybe the two of us could come together in some way. Help me find my strength or, use it all up. She hands him a tissue. What’s that for?
Lily: Your nose. You don’t seem as worried about the same morality clause
that cost Charles his company.
Jack: They won’t touch me. Although I may not be doing a bang up job yet, it beats having a woman of your reputation at the helm.
Blair: This is a B.
Rachel Carr: Yes, it is.
Blair: You’re new here so you don’t know how it works.
Rachel Carr: I have a feeling you’re about to explain.
Blair: Second semester seniors get a free pass. Like pregnant ladies or fourteen year-old Chinese gymnasts. Constance wants their students to get into the best colleges. That’s why this free pass exists. The headmistress, if she knew about this grade, she’d rap you on the wrist.
Rachel Carr: Maybe in time I’ll get in trouble for not inflating grades like everyone else, Miss Waldorf. But until then I’ll give them based on merit.
Blair: I need to keep my GPA perfect to get into Yale.
Rachel Carr: You should have thought of that before.
Jack: What do you think you’re doing? You can’t sign anything without my consent.
Chuck: Not anymore. I’m sending you back where you belong. You just lost the company.
Lily: What do you think you’re doing?
Jack: I should ask you the same thing.
Lily: It’s what Bart wanted.
Jack: So you say. I’m not so sure.
Lily: I’m not scared of you, Jack.
Jack: You should be.
Lily: You’re high. You’re not thinking clearly. You need to think about the repercussions of what you’re doing.
Jack: I don’t think I do.
Jack: You think you can squeeze me out? Take away my power? I worked for this! I earned it!
Lily: Jack, it’s over.
Queller: I called you here this morning because Miss Carr told me what you did. You leave me no choice but to give you detention. Yale has been notified, your acceptance has been placed on hold. If you complete detention to my satisfaction Yale will still be possible. But if you do not…
Blair: Put that puppy down, Dorota.
Dorota: What happened Miss Blair?
Blair: It’s what’s going to happen that you should worry about.
Carnal Knowledge
Harold: You know, Blair Bear, I’m proud of you for handling your punishment with such grace.
Blair: Well, we Waldorfs are nothing if not graceful.
Harold: I wish you’d let me speak to the school. It sounds like this teacher’s been after you from the start.
Blair: Thank you. I wanted to handle this on my own.
Harold: It speaks volumes of the mature young lady you’ve become.
Blair: I wish everyone could see me through your eyes.
Harold: You keep your chin up. I’ll see you after school.
Dorota: Miss Blair. Your martyr act? No good.
Blair: Pick up the pace, shall we?
Miss Carr: Blair. If I’m correct you completed your detention this morning.
Blair: Yes Ms. Carr. Sign and dated by the Preservation Society.
Miss Carr: I hope
the experience was educational.
Blair: I made friends with a family of squirrels and had lots of time to think.
Miss Carr: Oh. Henry David Thoreau found nature inspiring as well.
Blair: Girls. Now that my days of community service are behind me, time for a takedown. They ignore her. Hello! Do you need a refresher? I I say, you do.
Iz: To be honest Blair, none of us are that into 5a.m. trash duty. I think we’re gonna sit this one out.
Penelope: B, why are you doing this? Queller will tell Yale you’re finished with detention and it’s over. This is madness.
Blair: No! This. Is. Constance. Don’t you see? If Cornflower Mary can come in and tell us how to run things then everything we stood for, for all those years, is nothing. This isn’t about Yale. This is about our legacy. What we do here today echoes. Through eternity. Who’s with me?
Penelope: Sorry B. This is your vendetta.
Hazel: Is a scandal still a scandal if you can’t text about it?
Penelope: That’s very zen.
Chuck: The ultimate private gentleman’s club. I walked through this door and it was—
Vanessa: It was the Chuck Bass version of Narnia?
Iz: Between milking cows in Des Moines and teaching low-income kids to read and write, Ms. Carr is clean as a whistle.
Hazel: Seriously. She’s the midwestern Mother Teresa.
Blair: Impossible, Hazel. Your methods of inquiry must be as tired as your hair.
Rachel: It’s like I have spinach in my teeth or something. I actually went into the bathroom to check. And I don’t.
Serena: Yeah, it’s not spinach. Um. It’s a rumor. A pretty ugly one. About you and Dan. But I know it’s not true.
Rachel: A rumor. About me and Dan. I’ve been at this school long enough to know what that means. Unbelievable.
Serena: Yeah, well, don’t worry. I’ve been on Gossip Girl plenty of times. And for worse things.
Some of them true, some of them weren’t. But eventually everyone forgets. The best thing to do with these things is nothing at all.
Rachel: Gossip Girl?
Serena: Oh. Yeah, it’s a web site where a girl posts gossip. At least we think it’s a girl.
Rachel: And where does she get her tips?
Serena: Um. It’s anonymous. So no one really knows.
Headmistress: This school has been aware of the Gossip Girl web site for some time. Up until now the content has focused on the students, the students haven’t complained, so we’ve turned a blind eye. However now that a teacher has become involved I have no choice but to deal with it.
Headmistress: Blair your actions threaten the reputation of the entire teaching staff and this school. You give me no choice but to ask you to leave Constance Billard.
Blair: You’re expelling me?
Harold: Headmistress Queller is standing firm on the expulsion.
Blair: Yale will revoke my acceptance as soon as they receive word. This is my darkest hour.
Harold: Blair, if you started that rumor—about Dan Humphrey and the teacher— she has a legitimate case for slander. So I need to know: did you?
Blair: I might have posted something on Gossip Girl. All the girls do it. It’s how we communicate. But anything I wrote was the truth. I didn’t lie. I promise Daddy.
Harold: You should have been honest with the headmistress about that. But the real issue here is not teenagers gossiping
online.
Blair: It’s not?
Harold: No. It’s that a teacher is having an inappropriate relationship with a student. I’m going to contact my lawyers. We’re going to fight this.
Blair: Fight it? Oh, I don’t—
Harold: You will not be punished for telling the truth.
Blair: Thank you daddy.
Serena: Gossip Girl is just a stupid web site.
Rachel: How can you say that? When its sole purpose is to allow people to post terrible things about each other.
Serena: I’m not defending Gossip Girl. I’m defending my best friend.
Rachel: Believe me, Serena, I’m sorry this all happened. But I have to go. I have an appointment before the parents meeting. I do hope we can still be friends.
Elle: That invitation wasn’t for you. You were never supposed to be at that party. What do you remember?
Chuck: All I remember was you.
Elle: That’s… not what I was referring to.
Chuck: I can’t remember anything else. Why don’t you fill me in.
Elle: I wasn’t at that party to meet you. I was there for another man.
Chuck: Who?
Elle: Your father.
Chuck: My father? My father is—
Elle: I know that. Now. I took over a girl’s client list and I sent the invitation without realizing. When you told me your name was Chuck I realized that I had the wrong Mr. Bass. I had to get you out of there. I had to make sure that you didn’t remember anything that you saw.
Chuck: The drink. So you drugged me and then snuck back to Connecticut?
Elle: What matters is that I left you at that hotel to keep you safe.
Chuck: Safe from what? she tries to leave. Look. The whole “Eyes Wide Shut” mystery has been fun. But if my father was part of this group I have a right to know who they are.
Elle: Turn on CNN. Walk down Wall Street. Go to Washington. That’s who they are. And if they find out I let an outside in. Lose the card, the stamp on your arm will fade. And stop asking questions. Stop looking.
Chuck: I’ll protect you.
Elle: How? You own father was one of them. And you didn’t even know it. Don’t contact me again.
Rachel: Your essay. I read it last night. It was wonderful. Full of nuanced observations about the world around you. There’s some unexpected irony.
Harold: You allowed me to defend a lie. A lie that you looked me in the eyes and told. Why did you do that?
Blair: Yale was on the line. I have to go there. Like you. It’s our plan.
Harold: Sweetheart, what matters most to me is not what college you go to, it’s what kind of person you grow up to be.
The Age of Dissonance
Chuck: Oh lucky day. Carter Baizen, back in town.
Carter: Always a delight to see you, Bass.
Chuck: Hm.
Elle? You’re all right.
Elle: You have the wrong person. My name is Haley.
Chuck: What are you doing with this loser?
Carter: Back off, Bass. The lady says she doesn’t know you.
Chuck: She knows me. to Elle I know you’re in some kind of trouble. Whatever help you need you’re not going to find it with him.
Elle: Carter, I have to use the ladies room. Get me a drink?
Chuck: Just wait a sec—
Carter: C’mon, Bass. Don’t cause a scene. Heard you were in Thailand recently. You should have come to see me in Singapore. Of course I had to leave in a hurry.
Chuck: Oh Singapore. I’m surprised you made it out in one piece.
Carter: I’m hooked up on every continent. I landed last night. Rolled into Apothéke and met— well who really cares what her name is, right? God bless America.
[]: Mr. Baizen. Your date just exited through the kitchen.
Chuck: Welcome home.
Blair: Nelly Yuki claims she got into Yale early. There must be some mistake.
Queller: I’m sorry Blair. There was no mistake. I was on my way to tell you that I received a call from Dean Berube. They’ve rescinded your acceptance and given the spot to Nelly.
Blair: Is today April Fool’s?
Queller: I had previously informed Yale of your intention I did not tell them what the punishment was for. But apparently an anonymous caller did. The Dean called for me to confirm the story. I had no choice.
Blair: But I did penance for that.
Queller: I explained that you made amends. But Yale considers hazing a faculty member a very serious offense. I’m sorry.
Blair: But there must be something we can do.
Queller: Blair. It’s over. You will not be attending Yale.
Blair: Get out of my way! I need to make a fat lady sing.
Nelly: Pull!
Iz: It’s stuck.
Blair: No, leave it. She’ll need as much padding as possible.
Nelly: What is your problem?
Blair: My problem is a two-faced four-eyed devious little snipe in a fat suit. Did you really think you could rat me out to Yale and get away with it?
Nelly: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Blair: Everyone’s jealous of me because my life is perfect. And you’ve always been the most jealous of all.
Nelly: People aren’t jealous of you Blair. They hate you! I didn’t call Yale but good luck figuring out who did. There are about a thousand people who would relish taking you down.
Penelope: No wonder Yale dumped you. Who wants inbred legacies.
Nelly: Someone’s out to get you, Blair. It’s just not me.
Blair: Vanessa.
Vanessa: Thank god. Serena. I know you like him but as your friend, Julian is the most self-absorbed, pompous person I’ve ever met. All he does is go on and on about classic movies and it’s totally annoying.
Serena: You were keeping up with him pretty good there.
Vanessa: Yeah. And I am totally annoying.
Vanessa: So what are you up to?
Serena: You mean “what are we up to”. I may not be a huge classic film buff but I have read Cyrano.
Julian: The great Ute Hagen used to tell actors “Give birth to the new person you are about to become”. Well. With Act One behind you and Act Two looming, my friends you are still in labor.
Nelly: I feel like I’m in labor.
Julian: Remember, being on stage is like standing on the edge of a cliff. What saves you is the love and trust you have in each other. Also my friend, the renowned New York Times theatre critic Charles Isherwood is in the audience. And if you embarrass me I will kill you.
Julian: Nate, I told you. Your character went bankrupt. Suffered total public humiliation. Not that you would understand that. The characters in this play are smoldering tempests of emotion. You’re as empty as the Federal Reserve.
Vanessa: Wow. That was a whole new level of fake.
Nate: I like ESPN. Okay? And you like books and movies.
Vanessa: The way you say that— You didn’t even bother to read Age of Innocence. You didn’t watch the DVD I gave you. You’re like a kid who swears he hates tomatoes and has never even tried one.
Nate: Well maybe you should be with a guy like Julian who already likes tomatoes.
Vanessa: Maybe if you’d put in… some effort you wouldn’t be so insecure.
Elle/Hayley: Chuck, I’m really grateful that you’re willing to help me. But all I needed was someone to give me money.
Rachel: That was some performance.
Dan: It’s nothing compared to yours.
Rachel: What do you mean?
Dan: You called Yale, sent the blast into Gossip Girl to get revenge on Blair? I believed in you. All your talk about integrity and ideals.
Rachel: My ideals. Blair spread false rumors, blackmailed the school, turned my job into a sham with no repercussions.
Dan: You’re just as bad as she is. No, you’re worse. Blair’s a highschooler. You’re an adult. You need to fix things with Blair.
Rachel: Absolutely not.
Dan: You know how you felt when your ideals were crushed? Well congratulations, you’ve crushed mine.
Blair: Student sex in the costume closet. Is that what they mean by Heartland values? I at least expect a denial.
Rachel: No. I don’t deny it.
Blair: Well the Headmistress told me that my fate at Yale was sealed. So the question is, how do I make your fate as bleak as mine.
Rachel: I don’t know what’s happened to me. I don’t know what I’ve become. I’m… so sorry.
Blair: Well your punishment is… just… live with it. I should know. It’s not easy.
Carter: Hello Beautiful.
Blair: Carter. What are you doing here?
Carter: Buying you a drink.
The Grandfather
Vanessa: Budapest. Prague. Brest. Dubrovnik.
Dan: Ah, there’s nothing like summer on the Eastern Bloc. Just a Eurorail Pass and a backpack full of failed socialist policies.
Vanessa: And Nate. The Vienna State Opera one day, pierogies in Poland the next. No map. No reservations, just total freedom. And Nate is super excited too.
Dan: Probably not as excited as he is about our day or college basketball.
Bex: Lily, I just want to thank you for handling this so gracefully. The whole Rufus thing. The whole “Rufus and I used to date” thing. Oh god. Please tell me that I am not putting an enormous foot in my mouth. He told you, right?
Lily: Well of course he did. It’s fine. So you were thinking above the bed? I think it’ll look fantastic there.
Chuck: Serena thinks you’re in some kind of trouble. Seems to me your only problem is having a party all by your lonesome.
Carter: Except she’s not alone.
Chuck: What are you doing with this insect?
Blair: Having the time of my life. Thank you very much.
Chuck: Well as much as I enjoy bursting your bubble, he’s just using you to get at me. Ask him about his role as a kidnapper for a certain secret gentleman’s club. I should know, I had him expelled.
Carter: Oh please. All I did is bring that girl to a waiting pile of cash. Which I understand she gladly took before leaving town. Without you.
Vanessa: I feel like a Republican at the Kennedy compound.
Oh don’t fret. Everyone loves you. They’re probably already designing the campaign posters.
Vanessa: What do you mean?
I assume you saw the “Hall O’ Governors”. Politics is a van der Bilt birthright. And with Nate’s charm and your background—
Vanessa: Excuse me?
Nate mentioned you’re kind of an activist in your community. A documentary filmmaker.
Vanessa: Oh, yeah. Well I think you’ve been misinformed. The only thing Nate’s ever voted for is American Idol.
Trip was the same way. He wanted to be an archeologist in college. Like Indiana Jones. Now he’s Law Review at Yale and about to clerk for the Supreme Court. Grandfather can be very persuasive.
Carter: I’m surprised. You waved the white flag so soon. {He drains his drink}. Goes down almost as easy as you did.
Chuck: So it was all just a game?
Carter: Initially, yes. Though I have to admit Blair surprised me. That girl certainly knows how to let loose. Victory never tasted so sweet. Speaking of which, do you mind if I take this? Blair’s meeting me at a party and it’s not the kind of place she should be left alone.
Serena: Actually I don’t think you’re going to be making that.
Carter: What’s this? Good cop. Bass cop?
Serena: Blair needs to regroup so you need to bid adieu.
Carter: Dubai again. Nice try but I’m having too much fun. Nothing’s going to get me to leave town.
Serena: What about Santorini? You think Blair will want to hear about that? The Greek guy Spiros? The Greek police. I still have all their phone numbers from when they questioned me.
Carter: You wouldn’t.
Serena: I would. But I won’t if you leave town now. Alone.
Carter: There are a few things I could hold over your head from that trip. But consider us even. If the two of you think that getting rid of me is going to magically change back your friend, think again. I’m just a symptom of the disease. Not the cause.
Serena: What do you mean she’s not here? You mean she went to that party alone?
Chuck: Look, you have to tell us where she is.
Dorota: I’m sorry but Miss Blair very specific. No tell Miss Serena, no tell Mr. Chuck. But if Mr. Chuck come tell him Mr. Carter more attentive to woman’s—
Chuck: Enough! I’m not going to play “Where’s Waldorf” all night. How much is it going to cost?
Dorota: How much?
Serena: Dorota, please. Can’t you see that Blair has changed.
Dorota: Yes. It like old Miss Blair then new Miss Blair, like it was old Miss Serena now new Miss Serena. Very hard to keep track.
Vanessa: Anything you want to say to me?
Nate: Who told you?
Vanessa: Trip. Now here’s the part where you tell me that you told your grandfather you already made plans for the summer.
Nate: Look I haven’t made any decisions yet.
Vanessa: No you haven’t. Your grandfather made this decision for you.
Nate: It’s not like that.
Vanessa: Then tell me what it’s like because two days ago you were so excited to get away from everything, just the two of us.
Nate: I know I am. But it is an amazing opportunity.
Vanessa: For what? To turn into Trip? Is that what you want to be in five years?
Nate: I don’t know who I want to be in five years. That’s the point.
Vanessa: If this is something I honestly thought you wanted I’d be happy for you. But can you really tell me this isn’t about what William wants you to do.
Nate: As opposed to what you want me to do. I didn’t mean that. It’s just, my grandfather believes in me.
Remains of the J
Poppy: So what about you? What’s new? Seeing anybody?
Serena: Oh yeah. Dan and I got back together. But then we broke up again.
Poppy: Oh, I’m sorry. And your friend, what’s her name, Blair?
Serena: Yeah.
Poppy: How’s she doing?
Serena: Good. Now. There was this thing between us but then we worked it out so…
Poppy: Sounds like everything’s exactly the same as it was last time I saw you. Makes catching up easier though, right?
Poppy: Have fun at your little party. And take care of yourself, okay?
Blair: It’s 10:30 Dorota. What took him so long?
Dorota: Maybe girl from Brooklyn cry. Mr. Nate nice boy. He wipe tears, he touch her hair, she touch his—
Blair: Dorota!
Dorota: Not that this ever happen to me.
Blair: Pour that Dom down the drain, Dorota. Wait. Is that the 96?
Dorota: What happen Miss Blair?
Blair: He kissed me. On the forehead. Like Chevalier kissed Gigi. Like he was a man and I was a little girl. No passion, no spark. Maybe Chuck is right. Maybe all Nate and I have together is just history.
Dan: Guilty: Liberal Victims and Their Assault on America by Ann Coulter.
Vanja: Dorota gave it to me. She said important to know enemy. It’s okay. I read to make Dorota happy.
Penelope: In the past ten minutes I’ve been hit on by two Bronfmans and a gay designer. It was so worth it.
Hazel: Kudos on rising up from the social grave.
Nelly: Speaking of graves, did something die in that pot?
Dan: It’s cumin.
Jenny: Enjoying my party?
Eric: You know I was just saying to Jonathan that this is a lovely intimate family gathering.
Jonathan: Nothing says “Jenny Humphrey” like a customized cocktail napkin.
Vanessa: I came to you because I wanted to do something besides feel sorry for myself. But all it’s been is sleazy platitudes and… you staring at my boobs.
Chuck: I came up with several excellent ideas. You shot most of them down.
Vanessa: Yeah, because they all involved leaking a Chuck/Vanessa sex tape to the internet.
Chuck: We don’t have to leak the tape if you don’t want to.
Vanessa: You’re consistent. If twisted.
Vanessa: They’ve been in there for awhile. What if all we did was push them closer together?
Chuck: You just need to relax. And trust in the power of our overwhelming sexual chemistry to drive a wedge between them.
Chuck: You’re going to leave without saying goodbye. I knew you were more like me than you were letting on.
Vanessa: Chuck, it’s morning now. As in cold light of. As in let’s pretend last night didn’t happen. We can just as easily pretend this didn’t happen too.
Seder Anything
Eleanor: Waldorf women are not socialites!
Maureen: I have some disappointing news. The Whitney Junior Committee felt you were too new on the scene. They chose Elizabeth instead.
Blair: Your bridesmaid.
Maureen: Give it time. When it comes to these things it takes awhile to start to matter.
Mr. van der Bilt: Hello Blair. Good to see you.
Blair: You too, Mr. van der Bilt. The wedding is going to be lovely.
Mr. van der Bilt: Blair, it’s reached my ears that Nate has been accepted to Columbia. Has he spoken to you of his intentions?
Blair: Not in so many words. But I do know he’s pretty proud of having gotten in on his own.
Mr. van der Bilt: As he should be. My grandson values your opinion. Perhaps you could show him that Yale is the appropriate choice.
Blair: I think this is a decision he needs to make himself.
Mr. van der Bilt: Tell me, what are your plans for next year? I know you put off college. Any word from the junior committee for the Whitney?
Blair: Actually they didn’t accept me.
Mr. van der Bilt: I think that must be some kind of mistake. I’ll call Agnes Chisner immediately and clear that right up.
Blair: Really.
Mr. van der Bilt: For a friend of my grandson there’s nothing I wouldn’t do.
Blair: Yale is an amazing school and… Nate would look dashing in Bulldog Blue. van der Bilt gets up. And I want to be a bridesmaid.
Mr. van der Bilt: I think she may have room for one more.
Eleanor: Why did I give Dorota the weekend off? Ever since she and Vanja fell in love all she thinks about is herself.
Dan: So I’m going to need a couple of minutes to practice my tray balancing. I’ve never done this before. Although I’m feeling I’ll be a tray balancing wunderkind.
Cater Waiter: Are you going to do this nervous talking thing all night? It’s cool, I just need to know.
Dan: No, I’m sorry. I didn’t tell my dad I took this job, and I feel so bad keeping it from him, but you know he gets so defensive.
Cater Waiter: I’ll take that as a yes.
Eleanor: Good, you’re here. I just ran out to buy some candles. I don’t understand why we just can’t light some votives. You look familiar. Have you worked for me before?
Eleanor: I have never thrown a Seder before. I don’t even know how to say half the words in this prayer book that’s named for Lieberman’s wife.
Dan: She’s Hadassah. I think the prayer book is called Hagada.
Eleanor: See?
Lily: Oh Eleanor. Thank you for doing this.
Eleanor: Please. I was very happy that you invited yourself.
Jenny: I would have invited you to the loft but the only chef we have there is my dad and his specialties include waffles and embarrassing me. Do you want the top hat or the racecar? What, do you want the shoe?
Wes: This isn’t the same girl I used to see hanging out on the steps of the Met.
Jenny: Yeah well, people change.
Serena: Gabriel, what are you doing here?
Gabriel: How can you ask me that. I woke up and you were gone. Not even a note.
Serena: But how did you find me?
Gabriel: I called your apartment. The guy who answered said you’d probably be here. He also asked me if I had any hash.
Eleanor: Would you like to join us? We’re having a Seder.
Serena: No. No. I’m sure he can’t.
Gabriel: No no. I’d love to meet the people in Serena’s life. Perhaps it’ll help me better understand her.
Eleanor: Wonderful! There’s even an empty seat. It’s for Elijah but you can take it.
Gabriel: So that waiter’s not your boyfriend?
Serena: No.
Gabriel: What about me?
Southern Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Jenny: What’s with this newfound interest in antiquing?
Rufus: I’m just stimulating the economy by rewarding my fantastic kids. And it so happens that the gallery was a great investment. It’s listing for three times what I paid for it.
Dan: You didn’t get soaked when the real estate bubble burst?
Rufus: Well it’s not as much as I would have gotten at the top of the market but I’ll be able to send you both to school and have a little breathing room to figure out what I’m going to do next.
Jenny: Have you considered cooking classes? I mean even I’m getting of tired of your waffles, Dad.
Rufus: Not cool. I sometimes make chili.
Serena: Gabriel. It’s a movie. You know most of them are only like 80 minutes these days.
Gabriel: And you know that there’s nothing else I’d rather do. But I’m a little behind reviewing the prospectus. You know this is important to me.
Serena: Yeah. And you spending time with my family is important to me.
Vanessa: So am I not supposed to mention the outfit?
Dan: I’m a cater waiter now. Where you been?
Vanessa: Just working. Well I was hoping to never speak about this but it might actually feel good to—
Poppy: While I appreciate you playing the peacemaker, Chuck, I’m not sure Serena will want to see me.
Chuck: Trust me. This should be exciting for everyone.
Vanessa: Dan you’re lucky. However bad your life sucks right now, you didn’t need an STD panel this week.
Dan: Yeah…. Wait, why does my life suck right now?
Welcome! Are you a wayward soul in need of direction?
Chuck: I think I’m in the wrong place.
Georgina: Chuck Bass? Have you been saved too?
Georgina: Still the same old Chuck. Why can’t you believe that people can change?
Chuck: Oh people can change. But you…
Georgina: You’re wrong, Chuck. You know as bad as boot camp was it really gave me time to think about the person I’d become. Scheming, manipulative. It sickened me. So one day I decided to do something about it. I went to church, found Jesus, and I told him all my sins.
Chuck: Well I bet that was a long talk.
Georgina: He forgave me. Look, I know it seems crazy but for the first time in my life I’m happy. But if I know Chuck Bass you’re not here to be reformed.
Chuck: I came to ask if you know a man named Gabriel Edwards.
Georgina: I don’t think so. Why?
Chuck: He claims he met you at Butter that night you roofied Serena.
Georgina: Oo. Yeah, I’ve been praying overtime for that one. But that’s impossible. We never went to Butter. We were back at my hotel by midnight watching The Hills as Serena drooled over my shoulder.
Georgina: What happened to your limo?
Chuck: Parker won’t answer his phone, but I’m guessing Blair took it.
Georgina: Blair? You came here with Blair? You know what, it’s actually my day off. And I really miss the city.
The Wrath of Con
Gabriel: I thought we were being careful.
Serena: Well I wasn’t careful enough it seems. I’m not pregnant. Just naive. I can’t believe I believed you. Don’t worry. You’re safe for now. I wanted to give you the opportunity to fix things, to prove you’re not who you probably are.
Gabriel: Listen you have to know how sorry I am.
Serena: I don’t know what you are right now except a liar and a thief. But you can change one of those by giving the money back.
Gabriel: I can’t do that.
Serena: Gabriel, why? If you’re just using me why come back? Why act like you care about me now?
Chuck: You’re not leaving my hotel until you repay your investors. It’s your choice. Either you hand over the money or we hand you over to the Feds.
Gabriel: You have to believe me, I would if I could. But I don’t have the money. Poppy Lifton does.
Lily: I’m sorry Bruce, I know this goes beyond your usual duties.
Bruce: Bass business usually does.
Blair: But when you think about it, Jesus drove you here.
Georgina: Actually I think his name was Jésus.
Georgina: Hello. Sherilynn Phillips. My daddy’s got a piece of the oil sands up in Alberta. A piece the size of Florida. I’m so excited to meet my first New York friend for tea tomorrow. Do you know her? Poppy Lifton.
Jenny: Ella fell in love him, even though he’s a vampire. Or maybe it’s because he’s a vampire, I don’t know. But the thing is his family doesn’t suck the blood so it makes her feel safer.
Georgina: Hello Blair.
Blair: Georgina? You don’t sound like yourself.
Georgina: That’s funny. Because I feel more like myself than ever.
Blair: Where are you?
Georgina: Taking care of what you obviously couldn’t.
Blair: I don’t think Jesus would approve of that.
Georgina: Well. You can tell Jesus that the bitch is back.
The Valley Girls
Teen Lily: I’m not a headshrink or anything, but I do think the sudden uprooting of my family from New York, coupled with my parents’ tumultuous divorce, may have contributed to some difficulties I’ve been having.
Richard Rhodes: You got kicked out of boarding school.
Cece: Hello Lily.
Teen Lily: What are you doing here?
Cece: If it was up to your father they’d stop me at the county line. But Santa Barbara is really only a prison in my mind.
Richard Rhodes: Good to see you, Cece.
Cece: Wish I could say the same, Richard.
Cece: Eric and I had the most invigorating walk from the hotel.
Eric: You know, Grandma is deceptively quick.
Lily: Oh she’s probably racing back to that bottle of gin she has hidden under the sink in the bathroom.
Eric: Zing.
Cece: Good morning to you as well.
Cece: What have I done to earn your ire, my dear?
Lily: Let me think for a second. Maybe telling Rufus about our child.
Cece: I’m sorry if I thought it appropriate that Rufus learns he has a son.
Eric: You mean “had”.
Lily: He died.
Cece: Oh. I had no idea.
Lily: Imagine. Something you don’t know.
Blair: What’s this for?
Dorota: Strength. You will need. I have good news and bad news. Which do you want?
Blair: Good news first. Always
Dorota: There is replacement.
Blair: What are you talking about?
Dorota: It makes more sense if you pick bad news first.
Teen Lily: Your life isn’t exactly how you described. You told Mom you were making it out in L.A.
Carol: I am making it. This is what making it looks like. Before… you’ve totally made it.
Cece: Don’t tell me you’re chasing me out of town. I’m fleeing as fast as I can.
Lily: Well please stop. I’m not going to apologize,
but I love you and I know you love me.
Cece: Well of course I love you. My daughters, my grandchildren. My only motivation is love.
Lily: On the contrary. Your motives are quite suspect.
The Goodbye Gossip Girl
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