Gone Maybe Gone
4 Months Ago
Georgina Sparks: Could it be any hotter? It’s a good thing you’re not fair-skinned, otherwise your summer under the Tuscan sun would end up under a scalpel removing a melanoma.
Dan: I know it was my idea, but why did I bring you to Italy? I should be at the workshop right now in Rome with all the other writers writing.
Georgina: You shouldn’t be creating in a workshop. You’re not an elf. Besides how can you possibly be inspired inside? But here, on the other hand, you’re really looking for payback. And what better place to knock the Upper East Side out of the Dark Ages than in the cradle of Renaissance itself. Da Vinci. Gallileo. Humphrey.
Dan: Underwood?
Georgina: Oh, dio mio. Have you learned nothing? Technology means hackers. We’re going old school. Don’t just stand there. Start typing
Today
Vanya: You both look so relaxed. Hamptons good for the soul, huh?
Lily: Well yes, the Hamptons were lovely, but nothing compared to the Seychelles where Bart and I renewed our vows.
Bart Bass (Robert John Burke): Which was restorative. But our time with Eric off the African coast was the highlight.
Vanya: Any word from Mr. Chuck?
Lily: Well we’re hoping Charles used his summer to relax as much as we have.
Vanya: Well I’m sure as soon as he sees what a happy couple you are, happy family won’t be far behind.
Bart: I’m not so sure.
Bart: Look at all this. It’ll take weeks to get through. I thought Serena was keeping the apartment in order.
Lily: Well that was the deal. And since she’s been ignoring my texts—our primary mode of communication—I assumed she was taking care of it. Vanya, when is Serena going to be back?
Vanya: Miss Serena? I haven’t seen her all summer.
Sage: I think it’s really brave. You deciding to run The Spectator on your own. No investors, no partners, no safety net.
Nate: Wait, are you here to freak me out or write a paper on my paper?
Georgina: Did this really happen? You and Serena.
Dan: On the bar at The Campbell Apartment. Every dirty detail exactly as it occurred.
Georgina: Not that. The part where you guys get it on is Fifty Shades of boring. No offense. It’s after that when you realize she had a sex tape. She said she erased it but did you actually see her do it?
Dan: No. I don’t know. I mean she said she would. I’m sure she did.
Georgina: So she might still have it.
Georgina: Are you going to answer that?
Dan: No. It’s Blair. Again. And I know you might not believe it but I’d rather listen to you than Blair and her excuses for dumping me.
Georgina: Hello Blair.
Blair: Georgina. I should have known it was you from the sound of that disdainful silence! Now I don’t want to know why you are picking up Dan’s phone, but please put him on so I can speak to him. This is serious. No one has seen Serena for months. Not even Gossip Girl has posted about her.
Georgina: And what could be worse than that? Always good catching up, Blair. Ciao.
Georgina: Okay, change of plan.
Dan: Why? What did Blair say?
Georgina: There’s a new ending to your book if we can find Serena before anyone else does.
Translator: I’m not sure what else I can do.
Chuck: Maybe you can translate for me. Do you speak unstable psychopath? {answering the phone} Hello Georgina. To what do I owe the displeasure?
Amira: I showed Chuck all my favorite spots.
Blair: Usually Chuck can find a woman’s favorite spot all by himself.
Chuck: Blair, you’re back. You brought a friend.
Blair: And who’s your mystery guest?
Chuck: I was just introducing her. Where were we?
Bart: Just leaving.
Dan: I think there’s jam on the steering wheel.
Georgina: Consider yourself lucky it’s just jam.
Dan: You really think Serena’s on drugs?
Georgina: Well hopefully. Or clinically insane. Either would be a great ending for your book. iend.
Ivy: Admit it. Lily’s visit upset you. Not just because something could have happened to Serena, but because Lily would think there was something going on between us. All you’ve done is been a good person.
Rufus: What I’ve done is dragged you from one potential art gallery to another. I mean if you have to see one more polished concrete floor.
Ivy leaving a message: Well whatever acting you have going on over there has nothing on my performance. Rufus Humphrey’s easy on the eyes and even easier to manipulate.
Dan: You know you could at least pretend you’re relieved Serena wasn’t institutionalized.
Georgina: Any disappointment you’re sensing is not because the mental hospital was a dead end. It stems from the fact that you and I missed out on a real opportunity. Empty hospital bed, four-point restraints, sound-proof rubber walls–
Dan: No no no no no. you stop right there before I start chugging this premium unleaded.
Georgina: Something about mental hospitals really just gets me going.
Dan: Yeah, that’s because you’re insane.
Georgina: Serena recouping in rehab? Much less interesting than a full-on slut spiral.
Dan: That’s a heartwarming tale.
Georgina: I would just like to point out that most serial killers are high-functioning members of society who lead a double life.
Serena: Can’t you see there’s a party going on?
Chuck: Crashing parties is one of our favorite past times.
Georgina: Especially when it involves infiltrating a sophisticated and deadly cult. Now which one is the charismatic leader?
Steven Spence (Barry Watson): Sabrina, you didn’t tell me you invited friends.
Blair: That is so Sabrina.
Nate: Oh, she loves surprises.
Chuck: Look at this. Trellis, chairs, pastor. This is a wedding.
Blair: And Serena was wearing a white dress! Either she’s the bride or she’s just really tacky.
Georgina: I told you, she’s obviously had a psychotic break. Serena’s taken too many happy pills and now she thinks she Sabrina from Dan’s book.
Dan: That actually sounds vaguely plausible.
Bart: You better hope your relationship has nothing to do with business. Because so help you, if you told him anything about mine…
I haven’t. Yet. But that could always change.
Blair: Wait, what are you doing? I’ve got this.
Georgina: Public humiliation’s really more my forte.
Georgina: Sabrina/Serena has a history of mental imbalance, drug use and promiscuity. That’s right. She’s got a rap sheet and a snuff film.
Amira: Your father gave it to me to keep quiet.
Chuck: About what? For that amount of money you must know a hell of a secret.
Amira: I swear I don’t know what it is. But I’m willing to stick around to find out.
View all quotes from Gone Maybe Gone
High Infidelity
Dan: I thought we agreed you’d stop watching me sleep.
Georgina: I lied. I’m letting you stay here for free. There has to be something in it for me.
Amira (Andrea Gabriel): I’m booked on the seven o’clock flight to Dubai.
Chuck: Please, just a little more time.
Amira: We’ve spent all week pouring over the notes of every meeting I interpreted for Bart. There’s nothing, Chuck.
Chuck: Look, I know the reason my father faked his death has something to do with this hotel deal. It has to be here.
Amira: We looked. It’s not.
Chuck: Then why would he lie about being in Dubai? Why would all the negotiations happen completely off the books? Why would he pay you ten million dollars not to ask any of these questions.
Amira: If he’s hiding something, I don’t know what. I’m sorry. I need to get home to my fiance. There’s nothing more I can do.
Chuck: You could come to brunch.
Dorota: Form follows function.
Dan: Your sofa might be chic, but my neck is not happy with this kink.
Georgina: Would you prefer the kink of watching your father do it with Charlie again?
Georgina: Your loss of faith in humanity turns me on. As does the fact that your book was rejected by Simon & Schuster and you were dropped by your agent.
Dan: I still don’t get why they didn’t want it. They sent me to Italy to write Inside: Part Two,
and this time I deliver the real story with real names. Raw, hard facts.
Georgina: Please say “raw” and “hard” again.
Nelly Yuki: You’re lying.
Blair: If I were, it would be to protect Waldorf Designs from your biased opinion of me. Which is based on nothing but good clean high school fun.
Nelly Yuki: I still have night terrors about Nairtinis and yogurt bombs.
Dan: What is the point of publishing an expose if you’re not going to expose everything?
Georgina: Who cares? They’re willing to pay for the version that works for them. It’ll get us both out of Brooklyn.
Dan: No, but then I’m compromising my integrity again. What happened to telling the truth about these people?
Georgina: Save your passion for your poetry. Which you can write as much as you want once this makes you rich and famous.
Georgina: Why is the handsome vacant one calling me?
Dan: If you’re referring to Nate, he has a surprisingly high IQ.
Dan: Georgina, what are we doing here? We weren’t even invited.
Georgina: Did not having a formal invite ever stop Norman Mailer from showing up?
Nelly: I had higher hopes for you, Humphrey.
Dan: Sorry, what?
Nelly: How could the smartest boy at St. Jude’s still want everything he can’t have?
Dan: No, I- I don’t want her. I was just… uh… I was just observing. It’s what writers do.
Nelly: I didn’t mean Blair. I meant “in”. Your whole Gatsby-ish obsession.
Dan: Fitzgerald seemed to make a good career out of it.
Nelly: If you wanna die a miserable drunk trying to impress people who don’t know you exist.
Dan: There is that fatal flaw.
Nelly: I got over mine when I went to Yale and met a bunch of other smart losers.
Dan: Nelly, you’re not a loser.
Nelly: Yes, I am. And so are you. They’ll never let us in. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can stop trying and start competing.
Dan: That’s kind of tough when they already have everything.
Nelly: We have the truth. That’s how the losers win. We stop playing by their rules and make our own.
Serena: Why didn’t you tell me you have a daughter?
Sage: Obviously because she’s the same age as you are.
Steven: Serena is an adult. And she’s not missing her curfew and she’s not in high school.
Serena: Yeah, and I’m not going to let this drag me back into it. I have a check to present.
Sage: I’m not sleeping with anyone but you. And it’s legal, I checked. So can we please just go back to your place and do that?
Nate: No! You’re seventeen. And I’m pretty sure you’re grounded.
Bart Bass (Robert John Burke): How about we call a truce? It would make Lily happy. She’s very upset that you’re trying to destroy our marriage.
Chuck: I don’t care about your marriage and neither do you.
Bart: I know how important family is to you, Lily. But I think you may need to accept that my son may no longer want to be a part of ours.
Lily: Well I’m not ready to give up hope yet.
Sage: No one in high school reads Gossip Girl anymore. It’s for old people.
View all quotes from High Infidelity
Dirty Rotten Scandals
Rufus: I would love nothing more than to have you on my arm, but before we announce our relationship status to the world, I have to tell my kids first. Jenny sent her blessing from London but I still haven’t connected with Dan.
Ivy: Well he better hurry up and get back from Europe so I can officially be your girlfriend.
Doctor: It seems as if you’re suffering from severe exhaustion and dehydration. Have you been sleeping? Eating?
Blair: Do I look like I’ve been eating? Don’t insult me.
Dorota: Miss Blair been running around like Rhesus monkey. She take no moment for eating or sleeping or resting or stopping. Is exhausting me too.
Sage: Do you really think I care about your childhood baggage? I go to therapy. I have enough of my own.
Ivy: That didn’t sound like it went very well.
Rufus: Did you leak news that I was threatening to sue my son?
Nate: Listen, I wanted to thank you for choosing to advertise with us at The Spectator this week. It’s been a real pleasure doing business with you and your team.
Erica Winograd: We were very excited about Dan Humphrey’s inaugural serial. We knew it would draw a lot of eyeballs.
Nate: And it has. And I know Dan’s piece next week will garner even more attention. You should definitely think about buying up some more space for that one as well.
Erica: We did, Nate. In Vanity Fair.
Nate: Wait, I’m sorry. What?
Erica: Dan’s serial is continuing in Vanity Fair. Yeah, I thought The Spectator was just a one-time occurrence. Which is too bad for me because Graydon is charging ten times what you did for ad space.
Ivy: I only did it because I wanted to protect you. No one ever stands up for you. I thought if I threatened a a lawsuit on Gossip Girl The Spectator would have to retract Dan’s piece.
Rufus: Standing up for me is one thing. But you shouldn’t interfere in matters between me and my son.
Steven: Save it, Sage. I know you set Serena up. I should have known as soon as you started talking about the fashion show that you were planning something. Serena isn’t the one who should be apologizing. It’s you.
Nelly Yuki: I guess you took my advice and started playing by your own rules. How does it feel.
Dan: Ah, weird. Kinda dirty but good. Like you said, the truth is a very powerful thing.
View all quotes from Dirty Rotten Scandals
Where the Vile Things Are
Blair: How dare Humphrey write that I am conniving, manipulative and stuck in high school. I am not all scheme and no substance.
Dorota: Hell hath no fury like a Lonely Boy scorned.
Blair: When my mother sees the dress orders she will be so busy singing my praises that she won’t have time to pay attention to–
Eleanor Waldorf (Margaret Colin):
Pay attention to what, Blair? What don’t you want me paying attention to?
Blair: Mother! Welcome home.
Eleanor: What is this, Downton Abbey? Everyone, back to work!
Eleanor: This is not fooling anyone.
Blair: I know you’re upset, Mother, but my cotillion dress has already been ordered by the three b’s. Barney’s, Bergdorf’s, and lesser–but still relevant–Bloomgindale’s. I achieved your goal.
Eleanor: At the cost of my company’s reputation. A few
sales do not make up for a runway strip show and sex tapes! And bandage dresses without the bandages!
Blair: Well I admit a shift in marketing strategy may be called for.
Eleanor: No, the issue goes deeper than that, Blair. It’s you. You! And your split personality.
Blair: You must be referring to my ability to multi-task.
Eleanor: I am referring to your dark and scheming, and frankly, sexually-inappropriate side.
Blair: I like to think of myself as open-minded.
Eleanor: For as long as I can remember you have struggled between your two natures. I know that you are a beautiful, intelligent young businesswoman. But if you want to continue to run my multimillion dollar corporation, the deviant half has to go! For good!
Blair: I understand. There won’t be an issue. My Grace Kelly can defeat my Grace Jones. No problem.
Eleanor: Uh huh.
Ivy: Well honestly, I’ve slept so much better since you found out that Lola returned the money from Cece’s estate to me. I’m really sorry I kept that a secret from you.
Rufus: I’m just glad everything’s out in the open and you have the money to save the gallery in time for tonight’s opening.
Ivy: I’m so excited it’s happening. Are there any last details you want me to take care of?
Rufus: Well we need to give the caterer a final head count. Do you remember how many RSVPs we had?
Ivy: I never checked. But I’m sure everyone’s coming. {she checks} Ah, this can’t be right. They’re all regrets.
Eleanor: I will admit you have taken steps. Like the peonies were an elegant addition to the hand-written apologies you sent to each of the board members of the cotillion.
Blair: And Poppy did seem touched by my donation to her charity for children who can’t smile.
Blair: Well I have already admitted that I am powerless over scheming and that my life has become unmanageable. What else is there?
Eleanor: Amends. To the fashion community.
Eleanor: Ladies, how are we getting along?
Blair: Famously.
Nelly Yuki: Blair just tried to blackmail me. I’m sorry, Eleanor. I tried.
Eleanor: Daniel Humphrey was right about you.
Blair: You read that dreck?
Eleanor: On the plane. And his central thesis is correct. You are running my business like you’re still the meanest girl in high school.
Blair: Relapse is part of recovery. I’m trying. Please just give me one last chance.
Eleanor: I’m sorry, Blair. I can’t.
Lily: What is it you want then?
Ivy: To make you feel the way you’ve made us feel. Humiliated and powerless and like you’re worth nothing. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make sure they’re packing up our painting.
Blair: How did you know where to find me?
Nelly Yuki: The Met steps? Where else would you go to make yourself feel better.
Blair: I made a mistake.
Eleanor: Many. Who hasn’t. You’ll have to be more specific, dear.
View all quotes from Where the Vile Things Are
Save the Last Chance
Bart: Cut the crap, Chuck. There’s the Richard Phillips. It used to have a backing. I know you have it.
Chuck: You mean the papers? That hold the proof of your illegal oil activities.
Bart: Papers? You don’t have it. You don’t even know what you’re looking for.
Ivy: Oh sorry to interrupt this riveting Oedipal showdown, but I think I have what you’re looking for.
Ivy: Last year Lily did everything in her power to hurt me and leave me with nothing. No friends, no family, no home. I want Lily to know how that feels. That’s my price.
Bart: Surely there must be something else.
Ivy: All I want is for Lily to be left with no one and nothing. Now whichever one of you makes that happen first can have the microfilm.
Ivy: You know I played Hedda Gabler in high school, but acting like I’m into Rufus when I’m really in love with you is the hardest role of my life.
William van der Woodsen: You deserve an Oscar, darling. But take solace in knowing that you serve a higher cause.
Ivy: Giving Lily her comeuppance? Though I still wish we had taken the money and run like I wanted to.
William: So do I, but this is what Lola wanted. And Lily deserves to pay for the way she treated you.
Blair: Well. If it isn’t Gypsy Rose Lee. Without the talent. I have no need for strippers or sex tapes at my pop-up shop, so please run along.
Sage: You should be thanking me. That tape got you exactly what you wanted.
Blair: And did it get you what you wanted?
Sage: Yeah, it did. My dad and Serena split up, which is how I want them to stay.
Nate: I don’t know why you’re here, but get out. Before security throws you out.
Bart: That’s not a nice way to greet your partner.
Nate: What are you talking about?
Bart: You are indebted to me, and I am here to collect. So unless you want to lose everything, you’re going to help me defeat Chuck. Buck up, it’s gonna be fun.
Sage: Everyone loves a crown, but when it comes to power the mob totally trumps the monarchy.
Bart: I’m fine being your Eliot Spitzer scandal, but I’m a pay-for-play kinda guy. The microfilm first.
Bart: If you don’t find it and hand it over, all the torture you wished on Lily, it’ll seem like child’s play.
Chuck: My father’s threats aren’t idle, neither are mine.
Bart: Where are you going? Does Blair need you to come over to kill a spider?
Chuck: I’m not wasting any more time.
Bart: So you’re giving up. What a shocker.
Chuck: You’re right. You know me so well.
Dorota: Uh oh. Two girls wrestling for last three-button vest. I go act as referee.
Dan: I only have a minute.
Georgina: Humphrey, going rogue is not part of our agreement. Where the hell have you been?
Dan: I’m writing the Serena chapter.
Georgina: What?
View all quotes from Save the Last Chance
It’s Really Complicated
Blair: Yes it is true Thanksgiving holds a special place in my heart–and stomach–but I guess this year a pumpkin macaron will just have to do.
Dorota: But every Thanksgiving you try to visit Miss Eleanor.
Blair: And this year I’m actually going to make it. Besides we both know that if I stay in town
I’ll just be meddling in other people’s affairs, and I promised myself I would not do that this year.
Dorota: Still no word from Mr. Chuck since pop-up show?
Blair: No, and I’m not going to call him either. Chuck only goes darker when I push him so I’m going to give him all the time and space he needs. He’ll snap out of his funk eventually.
Dorota: And you okay leaving Miss Serena alone with Mr. Lonely Boy?
Blair: Well I don’t want her back with that back-stabbing Brooklynite, but now that we’re best friends again I have to just hold my tongue and let this ridiculous relationship run its course.
Dorota: Like stomach flu.
Blair: Yes, and until then I will just play the supportive friend, which we both know I’m much better at from the other side of the Atlantic. Now, vite! Vite!
Dorota: What happened to no meddling this year?!
Blair: Did you hear her? She is getting domestic with that wool-haired whiner. Four major holidays stand between Thanksgiving and Serena being a June bride.
Dan: Georgina. How’s Philip?
Georgina: Quit the small talk, Humphrey. Give me the pages.
Dan: Oh that’s gonna be tough, since I already messengered the only hard copy to Graydon’s assistant at home.
Georgina: What? No one wants to read your vomit draft. Why didn’t you let me give you my notes first?
Dan: Because you’re not my editor.
Georgina: I am your everything. Don’t you think I know exactly what’s going on here? You started this chapter over the summer skewering Serena, and then you moved in with her and decided to write a sniveling Valentine in hopes she would fall madly in love with you.
Dan: From the beginning, my goal was to tell the truth. And I haven’t strayed from that. So I’m sorry if you’re upset but you’ll just have to wait for the chapter to go online. Tonight.
Georgina: Don’t be an idiot. Do you want to win? Or do you just want to win Serena?
Dan: There is no winning without Serena.
Steven: You know I wanted to thank you again for inviting us. It means a lot to Sage and to me.
Serena: Yeah, of course. I’m sorry, I feel terrible though. I hope you have enough to eat. I forgot you’re gluten-free.
Steven: I’ll be fine. You know, I’m more concerned about you.
Serena: Why? I eat everything.
Steven: I’m talking about you getting back together with Dan. You know, I know I hurt you but… I mean this guy represents everything you said you were trying to escape from. I mean he wrote all those horrible articles about you and your friends.
Serena: Yeah but he didn’t write one about me. I know that Dan has made his mistakes but so have I.
Sage: It’s okay, I don’t care if you watch.
Chuck: She’s a keeper, Nate.
Bart: So what if we provided the Sheikh’s cars? We’re certainly not responsible for every mechanical malfunction.
Chuck: So it’s just a coincidence that the two men who could have sent you to prison happened to die in transportation you so generously provided them?
Dorota: If you done with problem number one, problem number two needs meddling.
Bart: Lily, please. This is just another one of Chuck’s games.
Lily: When I asked you about the oil deal, you promised me that no one got hurt.
Bart: And no one did. At least not by me.
Lily: So Bruce and the Sheikh’s death were just pure coincidence.
Bart: Yes. Are you questioning me?
Lily: Maybe I should start.
Bart: All I did was protect you.
Lily: By lying to me.
Bart: I never lied to you.
I told you, no one got hurt.
Lily: You’re hurting me right now.
Bart: Chuck is just getting to you. And he won’t stop until I make him.
Bart: Daniel. I just wanted to say I was impressed with your latest literary offering. You’ve restored my faith in your generation. If you ever need anything, give a call.
Georgina: Do not leave me alone with them. The last time I attended a shunning I froze my zhopa off in Siberia.
Dan: It can get just as cold around here. Do you think they hate me?
Georgina: They fear you. Welcome to the Upper East Side.