Gossip Girl: When you lose hope in a dream sometimes all you’re left with is sleepless nights. While some call the doctor for a refill, I find the best solution is a full social calendar.
Blair: Just because I lost Yale does not mean I’m wasting my time at a non-Ivy, reading Beloved six times and experimenting with lesbianism.
Eleanor (Margaret Colin): Waldorf women are not socialites!
Chuck: The Prodigal daughter returns. How was Spain?
Serena: Amazing. Perfect.
Chuck: I’m sure. You and Poppy dancing on tabletops in Barcelona. Sunbathing nude on Costa del Sol.
Serena: More like me and Poppy and her boyfriend Gabriel on the coast, ah… I just read and ate and… you, know. Swam.
Chuck: So there was nude sunbathing.
Serena: Hey, is my mom around?
Chuck: I haven’t seen her. But I have been occupied. Last night’s entertainment. She’s a synchronized swimmer. Can hold her breath for five minutes.
Serena: So you found a way to get over Blair then.
Chuck: Well there was a detour with a BoHo barista. But then I realized I’m a seventeen-year-old billionaire. With tremendous stamina. Tonight I have a date with the Bolshoi’s lead ballerina. By the way, I saw Poppy Lifton at the Rose Bar last week. It’s funny how she can be there, yet still be in Spain with you.
Blair: Can you please remind the attendants not to seat me behind Caroline Kennedy? She may be American royalty but that woman is a giraffe.
Nate: Sure. Oh hey, Trip asked me to go to lunch with him. He said it was important but I think he’s just scared I’m going to talk about his ex-girlfriends during my toast.
Blair: Fine. I’ll come by before dinner. I hope that’s not your big surprise.
Nate: Oh yeah—
Blair: I’ll have to think of a way to thank Maureen with the Whitney Committee—
Nate: I got into Columbia.
Blair: What?
Nate: I got into Columbia. What were you talking about?
Blair: Oh. Nothing. That’s amazing. I didn’t even know you applied.
Nate: Well I wanted to see if I could get in without family help. I mean all my grandfather had to do to get me into Yale was just make a phone call and— I’m sorry.
Blair: That’s fine. I’m so happy for you. So that means no Yale?
Nate: No, honestly I’m torn.
Maureen (Holley Fain): Blair. That’s so sweet of you to come.
Blair: Yes, it’s going to be so beautiful.
Maureen: I have some disappointing news. The Whitney Junior Committee felt you were too new on the scene. They chose Elizabeth instead.
Blair: Your bridesmaid.
Maureen: Give it time. When it comes to these things it takes awhile to start to matter.
Dan: Hey Wes. Is that the science fair project?
Jenny: Yep. We’re tracking air quality and plant growth. One of these was grown in our apartment and the other was grown in Wes’ country house.
Dan: Apparently a tree does not grow in Brooklyn.
Wes (Will Rogers): I better take off. Call you later?
Jenny: Yeah. Wes leaves.
Dan: Well I hope for the sake of science that relationship is strictly professional.
Jenny: Of course. But I’m working on it.
Rufus on the phone: No I get it. Rent trumps art. Well let me know if you change your mind. Hangs up. Nobody wants to buy art anymore.
Dan: Look I’m the one with the expensive Yale tuition. Please let me help. There’s got to be a job on Craigslist that doesn’t involve dealing or nudity.
Rufus: Dan, I have it under control. Your priority is school. She wants to go shopping for a table, a lamp. I’m not sure.
William van der Bilt (James Naughton): Hello Blair. Good to see you.
Blair: You too, Mr. van der Bilt. The wedding is going to be lovely.
Mr. van der Bilt: Blair, it’s reached my ears that Nate has been accepted to Columbia. Has he spoken to you of his intentions?
Blair: Not in so many words. But I do know he’s pretty proud of having gotten in on his own.
Mr. van der Bilt: As he should be. My grandson values your opinion. Perhaps you could show him that Yale is the appropriate choice.
Blair: I think this is a decision he needs to make himself.
Mr. van der Bilt: Tell me, what are your plans for next year? I know you put off college. Any word from the junior committee for the Whitney?
Blair: Actually they didn’t accept me.
Mr. van der Bilt: I think that must be some kind of mistake. I’ll call Agnes Chisner immediately and clear that right up.
Blair: Really.
Mr. van der Bilt: For a friend of my grandson there’s nothing I wouldn’t do.
Blair: Yale is an amazing school and… Nate would look dashing in Bulldog Blue. van der Bilt gets up. And I want to be a bridesmaid.
Mr. van der Bilt: I think she may have room for one more.
Eleanor: Why did I give Dorota the weekend off? Ever since she and Vanya fell in love all she thinks about is herself.
Cyrus (Wallace Shawn): Hello? Yes. This is Cyrus Rose.
Serena: This is Serena van der Woodsen. I think I need a lawyer.
Rufus: How did antique shopping turn into shoe shopping?
Lily: Well my darling, all shopping eventually leads to shoe shopping.
Rufus: If only people felt that way about art.
Lily: Thinking about Dan’s tuition?
Rufus: Mid-range collectors just aren’t buying right now.
Lily: Well you never know when things will turn around. pulls out a shoe Now who says that these are not art?
Serena: Hey mom. Nice shoes.
Lily: Would you give us a moment?
Serena: Mom I know you’re upset.
Lily: No, I’m furious. First you trash the apartment then you run away to Spain.
Serena: I’m sorry. I, um, I’ve just been feeling really lost.
Lily: Spare me, Serena. The only thing that’s lost is your sense of responsibility and consideration. It seems to me that the old Serena is back and I’m not very happy to see her. So. You might want to take your coat off. Because you’re grounded.
Blair: S! You’re back from Spain.
Serena: Yeah. I just landed. Hey, are you at home?
Blair: No. More like avoiding it. My mom and Cyrus are hosting Passover. I thought firstborns were supposed to be spared.
Serena: So you’re not going to be at the apartment all day?
Blair: I’m getting a dress fitted at Reem Acra. And then me and Nate are going to his cousin’s rehearsal dinner. S, I’m one of the Chosen Ones. I was wandering the Bassian Desert and now I’ve reached the van der Bilt Promised Land.
Dan: So I’m going to need a couple of minutes to practice my tray balancing. I’ve never done this before. Although I’m feeling I’ll be a tray-balancing wunderkind.
Anna (Sofia Sokolov): Are you going to do this nervous talking thing all night? It’s cool, I just need to know.
Dan: No, I’m sorry. I didn’t tell my dad I took this job, and I feel so bad keeping it from him, but you know he gets so defensive.
Anna: I’ll take that as a yes.
Eleanor: Good, you’re here. I just ran out to buy some candles. I don’t understand why we just can’t light some votives. {She sees Dan} You look familiar. Have you worked for me before?
Eleanor: I have never thrown a Seder before. I don’t even know how to say half the words in this prayer book that’s named for Lieberman’s wife.
Dan: She’s Hadasa. I think the prayer book is called Hagada.
Eleanor: See!
Blair: So. I’ve been thinking about this whole college thing.
Nate: I’m going to Columbia.
Blair: Okay. Well maybe it’s just my old prejudice speaking, but Yale—
Nate: Yale only accepted me because of my grandfather. I don’t want to owe him or my family anything. After tonight, we’re done with them.
Gossip Girl: Oh B. Too bad you weren’t invited to Nate and Trip’s lunch. ‘Cause whatever happened looks like you’re the one paying.
Cyrus: I can certainly look into the legalities of it. But I think you should tell your mother.
Serena: We’re not in a good place right now. I don’t think I could go up to her and say, “Sorry, I got married in Spain. But don’t worry. Cyrus is helping me get a quickie annulment.”
Serena: Two days into the trip Poppy and Gabriel get into this huge fight and so she just leaves— abandoning me and Gabriel, and so I stayed around to keep him company.
Dan: Well you did a bang up job.
Serena: Dan, please. Gabriel and Poppy were over and it’s not like either one of us planned this. This thing between us just happened and we couldn’t stop it.
Dan: This “thing” was a marriage. What were you thinking?
Serena: I don’t know. I wasn’t. But I don’t even know if I’m married. That’s what Cyrus is trying to figure out.
Dan: How does one not know if one is married?
Serena: Well. There was a dinner. And then we had a lot of Rioja. And then dancing. And then a lot more Rioja. And then we took off our clothes and went swimming in the ocean.
Dan: Alright, let’s skip that part.
Serena: Yeah. Um. So the next thing I know, Gabriel is just screaming, “I love you! I love you!” And he’s banging on this church door trying to wake up a priest and—
Dan: Okay, so there was a priest. Did you say “I do.”?
Serena: Well I said, “Si.” I don’t know. It was all in Spanish. It was crazy.
Dan: You’re smiling!
Serena: What?
Dan: You ran off to Spain with a guy you barely know, you got married and you’re— a little bit— you’re smiling.
Serena: No, I woke up the next morning and thought, What have I done? This is crazy. And I got on the next flight out and here I am talking to Cyrus.
Dan: You’re a… you’re a wife.
Serena: No I’m not. Maybe I am. Are you jealous?
Dan: Serena, we were together for a year and we didn’t make it to junior prom. You’re with this guy less than a week and you get married. So I mean, yeah, it’s a little bit insulting.
Dan: You’re the wife of landed gentry and I’m a cater waiter at a Seder.
Blair: You know now may not be a good time to say anything to your grandfather about Columbia.
Nate: Well that should be easy since I’m not going to speak to him.
Lily: Oh Eleanor. Thank you for doing this.
Eleanor: Please. I was very happy that you invited yourself.
Eleanor to Dan: Could you please make yourself a little more presentable?
Rufus: That was sort of rude.
Dan: Yeah, you know what? I’m gonna just sorta go with it.
Rufus: Atta boy.
Jenny: I would have invited you to the loft but the only chef we have there is my dad and his specialties include waffles and embarrassing me. Do you want the top hat or the racecar? What, do you want the shoe?
Wes: This isn’t the same girl I used to see hanging out on the steps of the Met.
Jenny: Yeah well, people change.
Lily: Rufus’ gallery is in Williamsburg.
Partygoer: You should move your gallery to the city. Williamsburg is already over.
Rufus: I didn’t realize an entire neighborhood could be over.
Blair: Trip.
Trip (Aaron Tveit): Blair.
Blair: Did you say something to Nate?
Trip: He feels lucky, you know. That you two are back together. He told me how much you’ve both changed. Is that true?
Blair: Yes. Of course. We’ve changed a lot.
Trip: Well, be good to him, okay?
Blair: What did you tell him?
Nate: When Trip asked me to be the best man in his wedding I was a little bit surprised, to say the least. But I guess Grandfather told him to choose me and that was that. Well we all know how important family is to William van der Bilt. But what we don’t know are the many secret ways he helps us all out. For instance, today I discovered he was the one who had my father investigated by the authorities. And if he cares so much about family then why did he destroy mine? So I guess the lesson here, Trip old buddy, is watch your back. To family!
Gossip Girl: Uh oh B. Looks like you hitched your wagon to a falling star. Baruch hata, Ay dios mio! This Passover is going to get its own Spanish Inquisition.
Serena: Gabriel, what are you doing here?
Gabriel (Armie Hammer): How can you ask me that? I woke up and you were gone. Not even a note.
Serena: But how did you find me?
Gabriel: I called your apartment. The guy who answered said you’d probably be here. He also asked me if I had any hash.
Eleanor: Would you like to join us? We’re having a Seder.
Serena: No. No. I’m sure he can’t.
Gabriel: No no. I’d love to meet the people in Serena’s life. Perhaps it’ll help me better understand her.
Eleanor: Wonderful! There’s even an empty seat. It’s for Elijah but you can take it.
Chuck: What a shock. The girl from Brooklyn is a renter.
Jenny: Don’t you have a guest to attend to?
Chuck: It appears I already did. A year ago. Probably should have noticed in the elevator. How many women could put their legs behind their—
Wes: Hey. Um, you wanna go for a walk?
Jenny: Okay. Sure. I’ll just meet you at the elevator. to Chuck: You know just because you’re bored with your own life doesn’t mean you have to make everyone around you miserable.
Chuck: For your information, you don’t live here yet.
Jenny: Please. After what you did at the Kiss On the Lips party last year. Like I would ever live in the same house as you. You know, you’re lucky I didn’t tell my dad. Because if I did he’d make Lily choose. Us or you. And I wonder who she’d pick.
Chuck: You really think I care if Lily kicks me out?
Jenny: Yeah I do. Because you lost Blair and now she’s dating your best friend. So therefore the only human contact that you have that you don’t pay for is the people in this house. Knowing you, you’d screw that up too.
Nate: I trusted him. Was I wrong?
Blair: No. You’re wonderful. I’m going to go get my coat. Then we can go.
Gossip Girl: Watch out, B. Seems like just when you’ve got it right William van der Bilt is going to do you wrong.
Nate: Did you tell my grandfather you would convince me to go to Yale in exchange for him making you a bridesmaid?
Blair: I can explain.
Nate: That’s great, you know. First my grandfather sells my father out. And then you sell me out for a picture in the Style section.
Blair: But I didn’t! I mean, God I did. But I realized when he asked me again—
Nate: You know, I really thought this time would be different. But you’re just the same girl you always were.
Blair: No. I’m not. I was just scared. About next year. And us.
Nate: I want to trust you, okay? But I can’t think of a single reason why I should. The car will take you home.
Gabriel: So that waiter’s not your boyfriend?
Serena: No.
Gabriel: What about me?
Gossip Girl: Ah cruel fate. Just as Serena van der Woodsen is falling in love, Blair Waldorf is falling apart.
Chuck: Blair is changing.
Nate: How do you mean?
Chuck: She could have had me. But she chose you. Now she just needs someone to believe in her.
Blair: I can’t believe I sold out Nate to be the next Jackie O.
Serena: Yeah I always pictured you as the next Hillary.
Blair: Except I’d win.
Chuck to Jenny: I never apologized for what happened last year. I deeply regret my actions of that night. If you ever do move in here I’ll make sure I’m not around.
Gossip Girl: On Passover we ask, Why is it that this night is different than any night? But who are we kidding.
Poppy (Tamara Feldman): So. Tell me everything.
Gossip Girl: Tonight’s no different from the rest. These things always happen around here. Shalom. —Gossip Girl