Gossip Girl: Morning, Upper East Siders. Hope you had a good night’s sleep. Or at least a good night’s play.
Serena: I need to talk. I’m having Colin issues.
Blair: And boundary issues. Ladies knock. And besides the only issue you should be having with Professor Forrester is the topic of your midterm. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to it the snooze button on this conversation and go back to bed.
Serena: All I can think about is how much I want to be on his arm at the ballet. And instead I’ve got the dean’s target on my back. How are we supposed to even try to have a relationship?
Blair: I hate it when the duvet puffs up like that. Maybe it’s just the way you’re sitting.
Serena: I know we agreed to wait, but it feels like meanwhile life is just passing us by. It’s not fair.
Blair: Life is tough Serena. Get a helmet. Or at least borrow one of my chapeaux. Wear it all day to remind you not to lose your head Get off! Go!
Serena: Well thank you for the great advice.
Chuck: This comforter blocks out so much noise they could sell it to Bose.
Blair: This has got to end.
Chuck: I thought I just did.
Blair: That was the last time.
Vanessa (Jessica Szohr): I had no idea you were a Colin Forrester fan. I saw Matt Lauer interview him on the Today show recently.
Dan: Oh yeah? What was it about?
Vanessa: Who was cuter. Or maybe that was just me.
Dan: Well he’s no Maria Bartiromo but he is Serena’s professor and she’s been raving about him, so I figured I’d borrow… that book from her. And you checked out of this conversation the minute the S word came up.
Vanessa: Sorry, but ever since the Hamilton House debacle I’m dead to anyone in Serena’s life except for you. Nate doesn’t even return my calls.
Dan: Well if it makes you feel any better he’s not talking to me either. He’s still pissed that I stole that treaty.
Vanessa: Well unlike you I didn’t do anything. Juliet framed me, she’s crazy, is any of this ringing a bell?
Dan: Vanessa, let’s not get into this again. We put it behind us, we’re leaving it there. Alright?
Juliet (Katie Cassidy): Sorry I’m late. I had to pull an all-nighter just to finish Persuasion for my comp lit class. Apparently even Jane Austen can have a misfire.
Dan: Things between us got so sidetracked with Milo and Vanessa, I just would like to get them figured out once and for all. I don’t know how she feels.
Rufus: So take her to coffee, or something, and ask her.
Dan: You’re right. I’ll just go find her on campus. I’m gonna go for broke today.
Rufus: Glad I could be so influential.
Dan: Oh no, it’s actually the title of chapter one here: “Going for Broke”. But, um, you’re awesome too, Dad.
Nate: Yo. Where have you been? You haven’t been home in days.
Chuck: The New York Marathon was this weekend. Those women run 26.2 miles in under three hours so their warm-ups are key. What about you? Things back on with Juliet? A romantic rendezvous?
Nate: No, that’s over. I’m just actually swinging by her place to return her things she left this week. I just gotta get rid of them so I can finally be done.
Chuck: Closure. The unattainable goal. In my personal experience the closest I’ve come to getting it is through mass amounts of hate-sex. But that’s just me.
Nate: I think I’ll stick to giving Juliet her shampoo and copy of The Help back.
Chuck: Well. You go ahead. I’ve left my [Library] in the limo.
Nate: You’re holding it.
Chuck: Then I need another Ristretto.
Blair: What if someone sees.
Chuck: You don’t like that anymore?
Blair: No, you idiot! I mean what if someone we know sees. Wait, what am I saying? There will be nothing to see. This ends here.
Chuck: What about over there?
Blair: Okay. Hurry.
Serena: I’m having a whole new appreciation for pleather seats with duct tape.
Gossip Girl: In a city that never sleeps, it’s important to always be alert. Because if you blink you might miss something. Or someone.
Juliet: Yes, hi. I need to make an appointment with Dean Luther right away. I have something that she wants to see.
Gossip Girl: But be careful, since the truth can be eye-opening.
Nate: Hey, excuse me. I’m dropping some stuff off for Juliet Sharpe.
Doorman: Who?
Nate: Juliet Sharpe. Uh, 4a, I think it is.
Doorman: I’m sorry, there’s no one named Sharpe in this building. Or Juliet for that matter. At least not in the eight years I’ve worked here.
Gossip Girl: Good morning, Upper East Siders. This is your wake up call.
Blair: Serena. What are you doing on campus so early?
Serena: Watching you climb out of a brownstone vestibule with Chuck following like the Bass that ate the canary. And no denials—your skirt’s on backwards.
Blair: No, it isn’t. Fine. I may have slipped up. A little. But it’s just sex. And a one-time thing at that. Or maybe a five-time thing. Okay, if we’re being honest I’ve lost count how many times. Though that depends on what you’re actually counting as—
Serena: Blair. What are you doing? You’ve come so far. Don’t fall off the wagon now.
Blair: I haven’t! It’s just your ordinary run-of-the-mill ex-sex. Fueled by the most common of aphrodisiacs. Mutual loathing and disdain.
Serena: May I remind you that both of those things are feelings, and having any feelings for Chuck is where the problems always start.
Blair: There are about as many feelings between me and Chuck as there are thoughts in Levi Johnston’s head. We’re nothing more than enemies. With benefits. And quite a lot of judgment coming from you, Elizabeth Taylor! You’re about one inappropriate relationship away from the Guinness Book.
Serena: Colin and I actually had a very good talk this morning and he wants a real relationship too.
Blair: Yes. I hear the 97th Street Transverse is a lovely spot to drive past on a date. I saw you get in that cab.
Serena: We happen to be going away this weekend. So we can get to know each other like a normal couple while still adhering to our rules of course.
Blair: Please. Do you forget what happens to you on vacations? There’s a reason why you never get a tan line. You have no willpower.
Serena: And you do?
Blair: Yes. I stopped having meaningful sex with Chuck and I can just as easily stop having meaningless sex with him, in fact I am going to call him right now and make it clear that our little dalliance is finished forever. And maybe you should follow my example before you get your passport stamped again.
Nate: Hey.
Vanessa (Jessica Szohr): This is how you return phone calls now?
Nate: I went to Juliet’s apartment today and it turns out she doesn’t live there. She never has.
Vanessa: What?
Nate: Look, I’m sorry, Vanessa. I should have believed you when you said she set you up. Juliet’s a liar and she’s been lying to me this whole time.
Vanessa: Finally. Took someone long enough. But seriously, I appreciate you telling me.
Nate: Enough that you’ll help me find out where she’s hiding?
Vanessa: Let me see. Writing a paper on Hannah Arendt or… a secret mission that might help me clear my name. Let me grab my bag.
Serena: Why do you have mad face? Is everything okay?
Dan: No, it’s not okay. You should know better.
Serena: I think I missed something.
Dan: I didn’t. I saw you this morning getting out of a cab with Colin Forrester. Are you having an affair with your professor?
Serena: Well technically he’s a guest lecturer, and no, it’s not an affair because we agreed not to do anything until the semester’s over. It’s romantic.
Dan: What would be romantic is him actually making a sacrifice for you.
Serena: What are you saying?
Dan: When we were together I would have done anything for you so if this billionaire really cares about you then why can’t he quit teaching and take you on a date? You’re worth more than a guest lecturer fee. Everyone knows that. I just wish you did.
Blair: Sex in the limo. We’ve literally come full circle.
Chuck: You’re right. We need to do whatever we can to end this.
Blair: It may be difficult but it’s the only way.
Chuck: Arthur, we need to pick up some ‘[]’on 95 and lots of condoms. It’s going to be a long day of immersion therapy. If Blair and I are going to end this we’ll have to have sex as many times as we can in the next 24 hours.
Blair: Dorota, you have to keep me away from Chuck for the next 24 hours no matter what.
Dorota: But Miss Blair—
Blair: Don’t Miss Blair me. The only way to be done with this thing once and for all is to have a Bassectomy. Now help keep me occupied.
Serena: Separate flights?
Colin (Sam Page): We’ll meet at the Pink Sands. Your room’s under your name. I always book mine under Buffett.
Serena: I don’t know. Maybe this is not such a great idea.
Colin: What happened when you got out of the cab?
Serena: We both know this is a case of bad timing. I’m just the first one to say it. I’m sorry.
Gossip Girl: They say a picture’s worth a thousand words, but in this case it seems like there’s only three letters to adequately describe these pictures: OMG.
Serena: Blair, is there something we need to talk about?
Blair: This is no cause for concern, Serena. I know I said I was quitting Chuck, and I am. It’s just a bit harder to chuck Chuck than I thought. And what if I need sex rehab like Jesse James?
Serena: You’re going to overcome this. Maybe because I overcame my obstacle today. I showed some willpower and I broke up with Colin.
Blair: Good for you! For once, you’re thinking with your brain and not with your…
Serena offering: Macaroon? If he really wanted to be with me, all he needed to do was just drop the class. It was a class that he didn’t want or need to teach anyway.
Blair: You are Serena van der Woodsen. You deserve a guy who would move mountains to be with you if he had to.
Serena: I’ve been thinking about that all day. And you’re Blair Waldorf. Fortitude is your talent. Stay strong. I’ll see you at the ballet. I gotta go make a call.
Juliet: It’s so hard giving up on Ben. I mean, you remember what he was like before. He was so optimistic, idealistic—I mean the day he became a teacher was the happiest day of his life and I guess I just, I still see him like that.
Colin: I know. But he’s not that person anymore. He’s a 26-year-old convict who still hasn’t taken responsibility for his actions. He’s not going to be able to move on until he accepts what happened.
Juliet: I guess I don’t want to accept it either. But I have to. I have to stop talking to him. For my own good. Thank you. Some times you have to let things go so there’s room for better things to come into your life.
Colin: Well put.
Colin: Your words. Winner, chapter three.
Colin: Those were my words, weren’t they?
Blair: What are you doing here? Step any closer and I’ll scream.
Chuck: You better believe you will. If we’re going to end this we have to start the immersion therapy right away.
Blair: What are you talking about? This is a detox. We have to stay away from each other.
Chuck: Where’s the fun in that?
Blair: Cleanses aren’t fun, they’re effective.
Chuck: You know what’s even more effective? Excess. Eat anything too much and you won’t want it again. I hope you did your yoga. This could go on a while.
Dorota: If KGB can’t get me to talk, Chuck Bass has no chance.
Dan: Hey.
Serena: Hey. What are you doing tonight?
Dan: I got a hot date with some Grimaldi’s and Netflix. Why?
Serena: Well I ended it with Colin.
Dan: Oh you did? That’s terrible.
Serena: No, you were right about him so it’s actually good. But DVDs and pizza, really?
Dan: Why, you got a better offer?
Serena: How do you feel about ballet?
Dan: Watching or performing?
Serena: Meet me a the Lincoln Center fountain in an hour and we’ll discuss both after.
Dan: Okay, I’ll be there.
Colin: Blair. Is Serena here?
Blair: No. But the better question is, why are you here?
Colin: I came to my senses and did what I should have done weeks ago. I called the dean and told her I am done teaching at Columbia. I even managed to find a replacement.
Blair: Just when I had written you off. Well not “just”. I kind of wrote you off weeks ago. Sorry.
Blair: Hurry! There’s a Bass on the loose and its hungry. Actually. grabs a macaroon. So am I.
Gossip Girl: Looks like the chip on Vanessa’s shoulder just went digital.
Nate: Dan Humphrey at the opening night of the ballet. Let me guess, Serena’s date?
Dan: Yeah. You were last week.
Nate: Yeah. She’s probably just using you to make that Colin guy jealous. Just like she used me at Blair’s.
Dan: Actually she and Colin broke up.
Nate: Is that so?
Serena: I don’t understand. You brought Colin as your date. Are you on a sugar high?
Blair: No. He’s your date. Not mine.
Chuck: Blair. We need to talk. Or rather not talk.
Blair: What don’t you get? I’m here with a date.
Chuck: Professor Forrester isn’t a date, he’s a distraction.
Chuck: I’ll be waiting in a telephone booth across from the dress circle. See you in five.
Nate: Everyone your own age is mad at you so you’re befriending the dean?
Serena: Dan, wait.
Dan: I think I’ve waited enough. Tell me something Serena, how far down the list did you get before you called me to be your date? I mean obviously you couldn’t come with Colin since he’s your professor. And Nate was last week’s beard so what does that make me, Bachelor #3?
Vanessa: Excuse me. Dean Reuther? Hi—
Juliet interrupting: Oh my. Vanessa Abrams, is that you? My apologies, Dean. I haven’t seen this one since Exeter.
Dean Reuther: No problem, Miss Sharpe. Have a nice evening.
Vanessa: Exeter? Seriously?
Vanessa: Face it, at the end of the day you’re an outsider just like me. And if it’s ever between one of us and Serena van der Woodsen, they will always choose Serena.
Juliet: Excuse me, Dean Reuther? I have something that you need to see.
GG: Put on your toe shoes, Serena. It’s going to be hard to dance your way out of this one.
Juliet: I have proof that Serena van der Woodsen is having an affair with her professor.
Dean Reuther: Miss Sharp, I am here with friends. This is the one night of the year where I get to try and put everything else out of my mind and just enjoy myself.
Blair: Dean Reuther, may I please have a moment with you?
Dean Reuther: Of course you’re involved with this, Miss Waldorf. I told you and Miss van der Woodsen to try and stay off my radar.
Juliet: Dean Reuther, I’m not lying.
Colin: What’s going on?
Dean Reuther: Nothing that concerns you, Professor. Or concerns anyone for the moment.
Juliet: Actually, it does concern Colin. He’s the one in the photos with Serena.
Dean Reuther: Is that why you resigned your position today?
Colin: While it’s true that I resigned because of my involvement with a student it’s nobody’s business who that student is. All that matters is the responsibility is mine and I took it. By leaving my post.
Dean Reuther: That’s somewhat admirable, Colin. And while usually it’s the professor in the student-professor relationships that takes responsibility for any impropriety, if that student is under suspicion of trading sex for grades in the past I think we might need to examine the situation more closely.
Vanessa: Let me get my camera.
Juliet: Here. Look as close as you want.
Blair: Oh! Let me help you with that. Oops. You didn’t want to look at those photos anyway because it wasn’t Serena in them. It was me.
Serena: Blair, you don’t have to do this.
Blair: Why would I jeopardize my college career by lying. So go ahead, fire Colin. Oh wait! He already quit. So let’s just go in and enjoy some jeté. Allegro.
Chuck: If I could say something. I for one can fully corroborate Miss Waldorf’s story. She was indeed having an affair with Professor Forrester. I know this because I keep tabs on everyone Blair sees and talks to, due to my insatiable jealousy. Though she did state something to the effect that he didn’t quite satisfy her like I used to.
Blair: It’s true.
Juliet: Don’t you see? They’re all protecting each other.
Vanessa: This is what they always do.
Dean Reuther: I’m sorry. Who are you? Miss Sharpe, the reality is that with no proof I can’t tell who is telling the truth.
Juliet: Yeah, well there was proof. Until Blair drowned it.
Dean Reuther: Juliet I don’t like tattletales much more than I like young women who use their sexuality to further their academic careers. So if you will please excuse me, I’m going to try my best to to enjoy this performance. Which, hopefully, is a little more graceful than the one I’ve just seen. Good evening.
Colin: You took photos of me? What the hell were you thinking?!
Juliet: You should never have gotten involved with Serena van der Woodsen in the first place! I tried to warn you.
Colin: Oh yeah, you really had my back. I always knew Ben would eventually turn you against me, but I never knew you’d do something like this.
Juliet: It’s not that simple. I never meant to hurt you.
Colin: In this case, the only person you hurt is yourself because, starting now, you are completely cut off. As far as I’m concerned, you are as dead to me as your brother.
Juliet: Colin—
Serena: Now it’s our turn.
Chuck: Your obsession with Serena has grown tiresome.
Blair: Just because you have no money and delusions of grandeur does not make it okay for you to be a single white trash female.
Juliet: Nate, this isn’t me. You know that.
Nate: How would I ever believe anything you say again.
Blair: Well you can believe the part where she does her own hair.
Serena: You tried to destroy my friendship with Blair, my reputation, my academic career…
Chuck: You failed every time, and now it’s time for you to go.
Juliet: I’m trying to.
Nate: He’s talking about Columbia.
Blair: You don’t belong there anyway.
Chuck: If we catch you hanging around there again there will be consequences.
Blair: And we’re really good at payback.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: One ugly duckling exiled. Let’s hope she doesn’t turn into a black swan.
Gossip Girl: Sometimes in life we hit a crossroads and are forced to choose which path we want to take.
Blair: There’s nothing I love more than coming home with a victory under my belt. What do you think our count is?
Chuck: For us, a million. The world, zero.
Blair: Sometimes I think a takedown’s better than sex.
Chuck: Don’t get crazy now.
Blair: Well it’s an endorphin rush. Plus it makes me think of old times. I really appreciate you stepping up tonight.
Chuck: I wanted to say you owe me, but for some reason it didn’t feel right.
Blair: Wow. Holding back from a threat. It’s almost like something a friend would do.
Chuck: Maybe that’s because it’s what we are. Friends.
Blair: Well. Who knew it’d take tons of hate-sex and a public takedown for us to get here.
Chuck: I should be going. Good night, Waldorf.
Blair: Same to you, Bass.
Gossip Girl: And there’s no way of knowing if our journey will lead us to pleasure or pain.
Gossip Girl: Once we’ve made our choice, there’s no turning back. Watch out, Upper East Side, I think this could be the beginning of an ugly friendship. XOXO. —Gossip Girl