Gossip Girl: They say the only way to conquer your fear is face what you fear the most. You must walk into the belly of the beast. And risk the possibility of failure. But try to hide from your fear, and you risk it swallowing you whole.
Blair: Go away! I’m preparing for my interview with Hello magazine.
Dorota: But doctor office call again. They have test results.
Blair: Hang up or I’ll tell the reporter you’re undocumented.
Dorota: We have problem. Doctor’s office call four times to say paternity test ready for pick-up. Miss Blair say she busy, but reading Grace Kelly biography all day is not busy, is denial.
Dan: When does Louis get back from his trip?
Dorota: Tonight! And Miss Blair had promised us that she find out who baby daddy is before he get home.
Dan: All right, I have a couple things to do this morning but when I am done I will march her to the doctor’s office myself if I have to.
Serena: Woah. That is not the look of a girl in an Empire state of mind.
Charlie (Kaylee DeFer): Last week at Grandma’s was great, but I don’t know. I think it was a mistake to come back.
Serena: Stop worrying about your mom. Cece won’t tell a soul you’re here.
Charlie: What about Blair or Dan or… everyone else. I don’t think they’ll be thrilled to find out the psychotic freak is back in town.
Serena: Please. This place is a mecca for psychotic freaks. Everyone goes off the rails at some point around here. It’s practically a rite of passage on the Upper East Side. It’s our version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Chuck: I suffer through mediocre sex with an editor’s assistant to find out who’s publishing your book and this is how you thank me?
Dan: Chuck, you felt nothing after Field of Dreams. So I’m taking it to the next level. If that movie can’t make you feel, maybe this little guy can.
Chuck: You do know this is not the kind of job you should get at a chick from a Hollywood party.
Blair: You’re back! I thought I’d lost you to the land of pole-dancing classes and gluten-free foods.
Dorota: I must say, best part of pregnancy is knowing who father is.
Noah Shapiro (David Patrick Kelly): So Dan Humphrey wrote an actual novel. And I was convinced you’d remain an epic disappointment.
Dan: Well I never intended to publish it.
Shapiro: Have you seen what’s on the bestseller list? Unless you’re friends with Rizzoli and Isles or related to a bounty hunter, no one will give a crap about your world.
Gossip Girl: Turns out that the rumored UES novel is fact, not fiction. And I have the inside scoop on who the author is. Patience, pets. Your answer’s coming.
Blair: The results of this test could alter the course of my life. You want me to face that in front of pigeons and street vendors?
Blair: I can’t face the press if I’ve just heard unsettling news. I need to look like Grace Kelly, not Grace Cottington.
Dan: I have to manage some business of my own, but go do your interview. I’ll meet you back at your apartment.
Blair: That is much more civilized. Unlike your hair, Humphrey. You look like a muppet.
Serena: Mom, I saw her myself. She’s fine. I promise.
Lily: Well that’s not for you to decide. Carol is her mother and I’m not going to participate in deceiving her.
Gossip Girl: Sorry, Charlie. But it looks like your Upper East Side dream just turned into a nightmare.
Gossip Girl: Poor Lonely Boy. You just learned the true meaning of publish or perish.
Nate: I came to work for you so I could establish myself outside of my family’s influence. Now if this is just some big joke to you I might as well take an internship that looks good on my resumé.
Diana (Liz Hurley): This is no joke. And I’m sorry if I made you feel that way.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: Chuck Bass sending this sweet guy off to the pound. We always knew Bass was one sick puppy.
Blair: Mention that name and you’ll be exiled and forced to work in someplace terrible. Like the Upper West Side! And you know what happens to housekeepers there.
Dorota: Zabar Zombies.
Gossip Girl: How about it, Charlie? One last Cinderella moment before you turn into a bumpkin.
Rufus: I just got the call. You are officially a free woman.
Lily: Oh my god, Rufus. Is this for real?
Rufus: One hundred percent. Your ankle monitor was deactivated an hour ago.
Gossip Girl: They say freedom comes at a price. Better watch out, Charlie. I think you’re going to be the one footing this bill.
Chuck: There’s nothing more boring than a sense of morality, Humphrey.
Gossip Girl: Careful Dan, he who runs from the fear falls into the pit. Looks like you’re about to take a tumble.
Blair: Excuse me. I’m Blair Waldorf. Where should I report for hair and makeup?
Joanna (Sonequa Martin): Oh. I was told you wouldn’t be participating.
Blair: And now you’re being told differently. Keep up.
Charlie: I feel a little like Alice in Wonderland.
Blair: Manhattan will do that to a girl. You’ll be happy to know, it never wears off.
Blair: Forget what your mother wants, Charlie. It’s your life. What do you want?
Rufus: No phones. I like this party already.
Lily: I was so excited to have my freedom back, I didn’t think about what it would actually be like when it happened.
Dan: Blair, we need to talk. Mind if I take over from here?
Simon Doonan: Not at all.
Blair: Well I mind. Humphreys are not escort material.
Dan: Dorota pieced this together. Apparently she’s broken quote a few things in your home you don’t know about.
Gossip Girl: Oh B. Your refusal to find out who’s the father has made you cause one mother of a scene.
Diana: This is a one-stop shop of illicit emails, incriminating photos and sex. Are you sure you didn’t work for News Corp?
Ivy: I came from nothing. Everything here sparkles. And that family that you can’t stand has been kinder to me than my own family ever was. I’m not walking away from that. And if you try to take me down, Carol, you’re coming with me.
Dan: Blair, I’m sorry. I was totally out of line. The truth is I think I’ve been using you to avoid facing some problems of my own. I promised to hold your hand but maybe I’ve been forcing it.
Blair: No. I turned to you, Dan. Because I knew you were the only one who would protect me from my own worst instincts.
Dan: For what it’s worth, when Georgina showed up on my doorstep and told me she was pregnant, I mean the last thing I wanted to be was a father. But then Milo was born and I fell in love with him. Chuck or Louis. It’ll be the same for either of them.
Blair: And if I open that envelope, will you be able to hide from your problems then?
Dan: I think if you have the courage to face your future then I should have the courage to face mine. {He hands her the envelope and gives her some privacy.}
Gossip Girl: There once was a Princess B, undone by the question: Who’s the daddy? But it’s time to find out. Will it be Chuck or will it be Louis?
Blair: I need to talk to you.
Chuck: I thought we said everything we needed to say last time we saw each other.
Blair: Chuck…
Chuck: If this is another misguided attempt by Dan to make me feel something…
Blair: I’m pregnant. It’s Louis’s. I didn’t want you to find out from someone else and wonder if the baby was yours.
Chuck: That’s very considerate.
Blair: Yes. Well. If I know anything about Chuck Bass, it’s that fatherhood isn’t part of the lifestyle.
Chuck: You must have very been relieved when you realized you weren’t carrying my offspring. It certainly would have derailed your fairytale.
Blair: This fairytale is complicated. {the dog wanders in}.
Chuck: Blair. Meet my dog, Monkey.
Blair: There was a part of me that really wanted it to be yours.
Noah: Destiny is a scary thing to face. We all need a little push.
Rufus: To my beautiful wife, her freedom, and the end of the ankle bracelet.
Ivy: I’m going to make sure that Cece reinstates your access to her checks.
Carol: You are on your own now. Good luck.
Gossip Girl: The true author of the tell-all tome has been revealed. And the author’s name is one everyone will recognize. But the question is, will anyone want to say it again once the book is out?
Louis: You’re pregnant? You’re pregnant!
Blair: Oh, you’re happy.
Gossip Girl: Face your fears and the rewards can be profound. You can discover the true depth of a relationship. Or what you’re capable of withstanding. The problem is, the more you gain, the more you stand to lose.
Gossip Girl: Get ready to find out what you’re made of. Because to survive on the Upper East Side, you better be fearless. XOXO —Gossip Girl.