Adam Jacobs (Craig Roberts): I still don’t see why we have to move.
Mr. Jacobs (Tom Bevan): You know why, son.
Adam: I was starting to settle. There’s a girl in Upper Sixth. I think she likes me. You should see her, Dad. She’s like a Bangle, you know, the band.
Mr. Jacobs: Yeah, I’m grown up.
Adam: You’re lucky you’re allowed to be.
Mr. Jacobs: This is all for you, Adam. All of it.
Adam: I know.
Mr. Jacobs: Where are you going?
Adam: I’m hungry.
Mr. Jacobs: No. No, son I’ll see to you.
Adam: It’s mom’s turn.
Mr. Jacobs: No, I said I’ll do it. Come on, son.
Nina: I just want to say that if you want to talk about it, you know.
Annie: Oh. Yeah, no. It wasn’t actually all that bad.
Nina: Annie. You were in purgatory.
Annie: Yeah, I know. But I’ve been to the Isle of Wight so it’s not really that much of a culture shock.
Nina: Okay.
Annie: In that case, you better build your strength up. I’ll get start on the pancakes.
Mitchell: Heya! I didn’t drag you back from that place to make me breakfast, Annie.
Annie: No. But, I do think I was brought back for a reason.
Mitchell: I missed you…. We missed you. Every, every— We all missed you.
Annie: Well think about it, not everyone can say they’ve been to Hell and back. Well they can say it, actually. It’s a very common saying, but actually mean it.
Mitchell: Annie, this was really sweet, if a little crazy, thing to do.
Annie: Well it doesn’t stop there. I’m coming with you to your interview.
Mitchell: Woah.
Annie: Mitchell, wherever you go from here, I’ve got your back. Just think of me as your guardian angel. Right. Tie.
Nina: And where do you think you’re going?
Adam: Oh, I thought I’d try my luck in hematology.
Nina: I know what you are.
Adam: So you know what I’ll do if you come any nearer. Goldie.
Nina: What, like the rapper?
Adam: No. The [?] dog.
Nina: Oh, right, yeah. ‘Cause… oh yeah. That’s, um, cutting. But you know, having worked with drunks in A&E for two years it takes a little more than that to scare me.
Adam: Look, I’m not some naughty little kid.
Nina: Yeah. Draining a defenseless old man of blood is a step beyond naughty. Now. Settle!
Annie: Just keep telling yourself, “I got this job!”
Mitchell: I turned up. I have got this job.
Annie: Ah, the banks have crunched. Do not get cocky.
Mitchell: Thank you. Thank you so much for the vote of confidence.
Annie: And keep saying the interviewer’s name. That builds a bond. Like, “Yes, Ken.” “You’re right, Ken.” “I totally agree with you, Ken.”
Nita Mawulawde (Anita Reynolds): Mr. Mitchell.
Annie: Don’t call her Ken.
Nita Mawulawde: I see you have plenty of experience in this role.
Mitchell: That is right.
Annie: Say her name.
Mitchell: Mrs…. {checks her nameplate}
Annie: Tell her how much you enjoy the work.
Mitchell: Oh, this is… ah…
Annie: That you were inspired by Florence Nightingale to bring cleanliness to the wards.
Mitchell: Oh, god—
Annie: Don’t say God, she might be religious.
Mitchell: Shit!
Annie: God is better.
Mitchell: It isn’t a complicated job! I’ve done it before, I can do it again. What more is there to say?! Oh.
Nita Mawulawde: I don’t think there’s anything more to say.
Annie: That was an inside job. They’ll be forced to advertise for legal reasons, but a Christian number like that? I mean, she’ll have a mate lined up. It’ll be fine. I’m not quite sure how exactly just yet.
George: You’re in enough trouble, young man, without getting pervy.
Adam: Trouble? That’s my dad up there. This is no worse than a baby sucking his mother’s tit.
Nina: Beautifully put.
George: Nina, no. We are not getting involved.
Nina: We can’t let a teenage vampire loose on the street.
Adam: I’m forty-six.
George: There you go! He’s forty— Really?
Nina: Not emotionally he isn’t. Like you said, he’s still effectively being breast fed.
Adam: Well, if you’re offering.
George: Oh, can you not ask my girlfriend to suckle you, please?
Nina: Right. You. You’re going home with George.
Adam: What, to your kennel?
Nina: Ah. There go my kidneys as my sides split.
Richard (Mark Lewis Jones): John Mitchell?
Mitchell: Who’s asking?
Richard: You’re a worryingly easy man to find. I assumed you’d be keeping a low profile and then suddenly your name pops up on a job application. Bad move, that. Sloppy.
Mitchell: Who are you?
Richard: Richard Hargraves. {he hands him his business card for Cwality Carpets}
Mitchell: Alright, so all of this cloak-and-dagger stuff is to sell me a rug, is it?
Richard: Sarcasm. How unsurprising. I’m here on behalf of the Old Ones. The, ah, the vampire elite. They’ve entrusted me as their agent.
Richard: So this is what all the fuss is about. You know, I expected some demon. What do I find? The last Russell Brand in the shop. With me.
Mitchell: Oh, I’m sorry, pal. I’m not going anywhere.
Richard: Oh, I think you are. You see, I’m here to discuss the Box Tunnel 20.
George: Home sweet home.
Adam: It’s a shit hole.
George: Yes, but it’s our shit hole so show some manners.
Adam: Well, hello.
Annie: Oh, I thought I heard the door.
Adam: Or did you hear my heart begin to beat a little faster?
Annie: No no. No, definitely the door.
George: Adam is a vampire. Isn’t the fantastic?
Annie: Yep.
George: Adam is going to be staying with us for as short a time as possible.
Richard: Have you any idea of the trouble your little escapade has caused? I mean, have you seen the newspaper in the last four weeks? This is the biggest manhunt for a century and you’re strutting around in broad daylight. What happens when the police catch up with you? When they try to take your picture? All our cover is blown. An entire race, hidden for millennia, exposed by your weakness.
Richard: You’ll travel with my next shipment. Keep these papers with you and they’ll guarantee your safe passage. The details are all inside and there’s some cash for emergencies. Oh, and while on board, you are not—I repeat not—to touch any of my carpets.
Mitchell: Wait, wait a second! I’m not an Old One. I’m a hundred and seventeen.
Richard: You are the most wanted man in the country. Hardly the time to quibble about your age.
Mitchell: You know there’s nothing funnier than a vampire taking a moral high ground. Underneath the driving gloves and the business cards we’re all the same, brother.
Richard: Woah. Let me make this clear to you, we are not the same. I am not a servant to my condition. I have systems in place that allow me to feed without this carnage. You are weak. You are craven. And your pathetic tantrums threaten us all.
Annie: Hello!
Adam: Shit a brick, don’t you knock?
Annie: Oh no, I don’t have to. Being dead has some perks.
Adam: Well, knock at me. I don’t want ghosts popping up all over the place. It freaks me out.
George: You’re a forty-six-year-old vampire who dresses like a child. Don’t call her freaky.
Adam: Mitchell? Is that another ghost? It’s bloody Hogwarts, this place.
George: No. Mitchell is a vampire actually.
Adam: Vamp… At last, someone normal.
Mitchell: The kid’s still feeding. Staying clean for me is a day-by-day… no, no! A minute-by-minute thing. How am I going to manage if he’s all, “Let’s go out on the razz, find some women, drink them dry.”?
George: I’m sure he’d never…. No, actually, that does sound quite like him.
George: You could be his role model. Teach him how to beat it.
Mitchell: No no. No. You’ve picked the wrong man.
George: I don’t think so.
George: Okay, look, I know we all got off to a bad start but I’m thinking if we all pull together this could be an interesting, enriching and, ah, very brief experience for us all.
Adam: I think you need a new wingman. I, sir, am a registered poon hound.
George: Have you ever actually had sex, Adam? You know, proper, balls-deep sex? You touched a boob? Be honest with me, Adam. have you ever even touched a boob? Because I have! Loads!
Mitchell: This is near me. This is where I told you not to be.
Adam: I’ve never met anyone like me before. Apart from the first time and that was mostly fighting him off. Badly. Please. No one’s ever taught me to do this.
Mitchell: Adam, here’s the thing, right? I don’t care.
Adam: Yeah, like I want to hang out with some whiffy goth anyway.
Mitchell: Excuse me?
Adam: Just because you’re a vampire doesn’t mean you have to smell like the undead. One word Mitch, deodorant.
Adam: You wanna watch yourself with this one as well, Mitch. Been giving me the glad eye ever since I arrived. She loves a bit of fang.
Annie: I do not! That is a terrible thing to say. I do not like a bit of fang! Not his fang! Or anyone else’s. {they stare at her} I’m not ruling it out, just… if the right fang came along but I haven’t even thought about it. At all. For ages.
Annie: Mitchell, you’re not a quitter. It says so here in this reference that I wrote. Check this out. “John Mitchell is the finest employee I ever had. He is loyal and dependable and valued by all his coworkers. I recall he did not give the best interview. But I put that down to nerves.”
Mitchell: So, what? I make a habit of screwing up interviews now?
Annie: “But how glad am I that I took a chance on him? Very. Because I was rewarded with a pleasant and reliable worker who would be an asset to any company. Plus, let’s face it, he’s easy on the eye.” I’m just… covering all my bases.
Mr. Jacobs: You all right? Have you fed?
Adam: Yeah, it’s okay. I’ve got these people looking after me.
Mr. Jacobs: Do they— they understand, do they?
Adam: It’s fine. They’re nice.
Adam: You gave me too much Dad. You made yourself weak.
Mr. Jacobs: What else could we do. You know, even when they’re all grown up people say to their kids, “You were always my little boy.” You really were. Maybe we, we were blessed.
Adam: Dad, please don’t go. Please don’t leave me! I can’t do this on my own. Dad, I’m scared. What’s going to happen?
Mr. Jacobs as a ghost: I don’t know. Oh god, Adam. I don’t know. {he passes through the Door}
Adam: This is it. I’m on my own.
George: Oh no, you’re not.
Adam: You and Nina are just dealing with a problem. That’s all I am to you.
George: I don’t have a good feeling about this.
Nina: Someone’s just died. You’re not supposed to.
George: Adam hasn’t just lost his dad, he’s lost his food supply. He’s going to have to feed again. Soon.
Adam: Mitchell, you understand this. You know what I’m going through.
Mitchell: I do.
Adam: So why won’t you help me?
Mitchell: Okay, you know what? There is another option. It might just be the answer. {he hands Annie Richard’s card}
Annie: We recarpet?
Number Seven (Morgan James): How’s it hanging?
George: Oh. Ah. It’s not so bad. Yourself?
Number Seven: Yeah. Can’t complain. You from Penarth then?
George: Nope. Barry. Um actually we came here on the B4267.
Number Seven: Oh yeah, good bit of road there. What’re you driving in then?
George: Um, it’s—
Nina: George. You’re chit-chatting. With a gimp.
Richard: See, the depravity of the human heart knows no bounds. Name your blackest desires and somewhere, out in the sweating mass of humanity, you’ll find someone all too happy to gratify them.
Number Seven: Shall I feed the boy now?
Emma (Melanie Walters): Oh, not yet, Seven. We’re going to make a night of it. After all, Adam’s finally where he belongs. We should welcome him in style.
Richard: I’ll put the plastic sheeting down in the box room, eh.
News Reporter (Natasha Llewellyn): …and now Jim Warren’s here with all the sport. Jim?
Jim (David Wood): Thanks very much. Our main story tonight is the much anticipated clash between the vampire John Mitchell and an as-yet unnamed werewolf. Of course regular viewers will know that this has been on the fixture list since a prophecy was given to Mitchell by one of his victims. That he would be killed by a werewolf. But in a surprise move, Mitchell’s camp recently cast doubt on the reliability of this prophecy. They’ve dismissed it as mind games. Prompting this response from Team Werewolf: “Mitchell won’t be saying that when he gets his head ripped off. There’s a wolf-shaped bullet with his name on it. Mitchell’s gonna get got.” So it just looks like this story refuses to stay dead.
George: I’m sure he’ll settle right in there. I mean they do have a massive telly.
Nina: Oof. Ginormous.
George: The whole house, it was furnished to the highest standards.
Nina: Yeah. And so clean.
George: It was immaculate. I mean, Richard and Emma themselves were slightly, what? Eccentric perhaps…
Nina: I’d go for “unreconstructed.”
George: Really?
Nina: Yeah.
George: Would you?
Nina: Mm.
George: And, well… kinky.
Nina: Filthy. Just assholes.
George: A pair of complete and utter kinked-up, filthy racist assholes.
Nina: We’ve just left a vulnerable young boy with a pair of, not only instinctive killers, but heinous pervs.
George: Do you realize I’m zipping my coat up and going back there.
Nina: Yeah. And I’m going with you.
Emma: Oh, but the great and the good are gathering. You’ve spent too long with lesser species. The trash out on the housing estates. The dole scum. The layabouts. Werewolves. Come with me.
Adam: Yeah, no, I’m actually tired. Really.
Emma: Oh hush now! It’s time for you to claim your heritage. As a vampire. And as a man.
George: Maybe we should come back tomorrow. I mean throwing him a party is not exactly mistreatment.
Nina: Yeah, a vampire party. Who knows what that involves.
George: Yeah, which takes me back to, maybe we should come back tomorrow.
George: Baby, when we get home, can you remind me to gouge out my brain with a spoon?
Nina: What did you see?
George: Bodies. Many many bodies.
Nina: What, alive?
George: Very.
George: Is this really such a good idea? There’s only two of us against what sounds like, well… shitloads!
Nina: Well, we’ll just have to, um, tool up then.
George: Tool up?
George: Who wants some of my plant!?
Richard: I don’t believe you people were invited.
George: We’ve come to take Adam back.
Richard: How dare you barge in here, you ill-mannered trash. You mongrels! Bet you didn’t even wipe your feet.
George: No, but we’ll wipe them on the way out.
Nina: If I wasn’t holding this I would totally high-five you.
Richard: You come in here with your ridiculous blunt morality and you understand nothing of his world, nothing of his needs! Tell you what, let’s leave it to Adam, eh? So Adam, what’s it to be? A life of comfort, privilege and all the pleasures that a young man could ever dream of. Or hardship, desperation and hunger.
Adam: I choose them.
George: Ah. You may need to be a bit more specific.
Adam: Oh, yeah, I mean you. George and Nina, I choose you.
Emma: What did you say?
Adam: Well I don’t want this. I mean it’s completely fucked up.
Emma: Adam, for gods sake. Drink the man’s blood and have sex with me on the billiard table. You are embarrassing us!
Richard: You and your bitch will regret this. Mark my words.
Mitchell: Annie, I didn’t fetch you back here to do anything. Just, just be here.
Mitchell: You can’t base your life on what you give to other people. ‘Cause well, we might not always be here.
Annie: Where would you go? I mean you wouldn’t go to that foul place and get me back and then just, like, abandon me.
Mitchell: Things change.
Annie: In a day?
Mitchell: Sometimes.
Mitchell: Ah, stop it, Annie. Stop defining yourself by what you do for other people. Get a—
Annie: A life? Bit late for that.
Mitchell: What’s he doing back here?
George: You know how to make someone feel welcome.
Nina: Look, you didn’t see how those people live, Mitchell. It was grubby, desperate. We couldn’t leave him there.
Mitchell: Nah, of course you couldn’t.
George: Meaning?
Mitchell: It’s not who you are. When someone needs help, you give it.
Adam: I mean the craving will come back though. So how do I fight it?
Mitchell: You surround yourself with good people. That’s what you do. Find someone better than you. ‘Cause then when you fail, you have to deal with their disappointment. And that’s what keeps you true.
George: I think he’s going to be okay.
Nina: Yeah. I think we all are.