Rose
Jackie: I know! It’s on the telly, it’s everywhere. She’s lucky to be alive. Honestly, it’s aged her. Skin like an old Bible. Walking in now you’d think I was her daughter!
Jackie: I’m not joking about compensation. You’ve had genuine shock and trauma. Arianna got two thousand quid off the Council just ’cause the old man behind the desk said she looked Greek. I know she is Greek, but that’s not the point. She’s very plain.
Jackie Tyler: I’m in my dressing gown.
The Doctor: Yes, you are.
Jackie: There’s a strange man in my bedroom.
The Doctor: Yes, there is.
Jackie: Well, anything could happen.
The Doctor: No.
Clive: If you dig deep enough, keep a lively mind, this Doctor keeps cropping up all over the place. Political diaries, conspiracy theories… ghost stories. No first name, no last name, just The Doctor. Always The Doctor. And the title seems to be passed down from father to son. It appears to be an inheritance.
Clive: The Doctor is a legend woven throughout history. When disaster comes, he’s there. He brings a storm in his wake. And his one constant companion.
Rose: Who’s that?
Clive: Death.
Clive: If the Doctor’s back—if you’ve seen him, Rose—then one thing’s for certain. We’re all in danger.
Clive: If he singled you out—if the Doctor’s making house calls—then God help ya.
Rose: But who is he? Who do you think he is?
Clive: I think he’s the same man. I think he’s immortal. I think he’s an alien from another world.
Mickey: Just leave him! There’s nothing you can do!
Rose: Got no A levels. No job. No future. But I’ll tell you what I have got, Jericho Street Junior School Under 7’s gymnastics team. I got the bronze.
The Doctor: Right then. I’ll be off. Unless, ah, I don’t know, you could come with me. This box isn’t just a London Hoppa, you know. It goes anywhere in the Universe, free of charge.
Mickey: Don’t! He’s an alien! He’s a thing!
The Doctor: He’s not invited.
Rose: Thanks.
Mickey: Thanks for what?
Rose: Exactly.
The End of the World
Overhead: Guests are reminded that Platform One forbids the use of weapons, teleportation and religion.
The Steward: Who the hell are you?
The Doctor: Oh that’s nice, thanks.
Jabe: The gift of peace. I bring you a cutting of my grandfather.
The Doctor: Thank you. Yes, gifts. I give you, in return, air from my lungs. blows on her.
Jabe: How… intimate.
The Doctor: There’s more where that came from.
Jabe: I bet there is.
The Lady Cassandra: Behold. I bring gifts! From Earth itself, the last remaining ostrich egg. Legend says it had a wingspan of fifty feet and blew fire from its nostrils. Or was that my third husband… And here, another rarity. brings in a jukebox. According to the archives, this was called an iPod. It stores classical music from humanity’s greatest composers. Play on! the jukebox plays Tainted Love
Guest: Indubitably, This is the Bad Wolf Scenario.
The Doctor: That wasn’t a gravity pocket. I know gravity pockets and they don’t feel like that. What d’you think, Jabe? Listen to the engines, they’ve pitched up about 30 hertz. That budge you or what?
Jabe: It’s the sound of metal. It doesn’t make any sense to me.
The Doctor: Where’s the engine room?
Jabe: I don’t know. But the maintenance duct is just behind our guest suite. I could show you.
And your… wife.
The Doctor: She’s not my wife.
Jabe: Partner?
The Doctor: Nope.
Jabe: Concubine.
The Doctor: No.
Jabe: Prostitute?
Rose: What ever I am it must be invisible. D’you mind?
Jabe: This facility is purely automatic. It’s the height of the Alpha Class. Nothing can go wrong.
The Doctor: Unsinkable?
Jabe: If you like. The nautical metaphor is appropriate.
The Doctor: You’re telling me. I was on board another ship once they said that was unsinkable. I ended up clinging to an iceberg. It wasn’t half cold. He stops. So, what you’re saying is, if we get in trouble there’s no one to help us out?
Jabe: I’m afraid not.
The Doctor: Fantastic!
Jabe: I don’t understand. In what way is that fantastic?
Cassandra: They say mankind has touched every star in the sky.
Rose: So you’re not the last human?
Cassandra: I am the last pure human. The others mingled. Oh, they call themselves new humans and proto-humans and digi-humans— even human-ish. But you know what I call them? Mongrels.
Rose: Right. And you stayed behind.
Cassandra: I kept myself pure.
Rose: How many operations have you had?
Cassandra: Seven hundred and eight. Next week it’s 709. I’m having my blood bleached. Is that why you wanted a word? You could be flatter. You’ve got a little bit of a chin poking out.
Rose: I’d rather die.
Cassandra: Honestly, it doesn’t hurt.
Rose: I mean it, I would rather die. It’s better to die than live like you—a bitchy trampoline.
Cassandra: Oh well. What do you know.
Rose: I was born on that planet. And so was my mom and so was my dad. And that makes me officially the last human being in this room. ‘Cause you’re not human. You’ve had it all nipped and tucked and flattened ’til there’s nothing left. Anything human got chucked in the bin. You’re just skin, Cassandra. Lipstick and skin.
Jabe: And what about your ancestry, Doctor? Perhaps you could tell a story or two. Perhaps a man only enjoys trouble when there’s nothing else left. I scanned you earlier. The metal machine had trouble identifying your species. It refused to admit your existence. And even when it named you I wouldn’t believe it. But it was right. I know where you’re from. Forgive me for intruding, but it’s remarkable you even exist. I want to say how sorry I am.
Cassandra: The Adherents of the Repeating Meme. J’accuse!
The Doctor: That’s all very well and really kind of obvious. But if you stop and think about it, a repeated meme is just an idea. And that’s all they are: an idea. Remote-controlled droids. Nice little cover for the real troublemaker. Go on, Jimbo.
Cassandra: I bet you were the school swot who never got kissed. Atoms!
The Doctor: What are you going to do, moisturize me?
Cassandra: With acid.
The Doctor: You can’t! The heat’s going to vent through this place.
Jabe: I know.
The Doctor: Jabe, you’re made of wood.
Jabe: Then stop wasting time, Time Lord.
The Doctor: People have died, Cassandra. You murdered them.
Cassandra: It depends on your definition of people. And that’s enough of a technicality to keep your lawyers dizzy for centuries.
The Unquiet Dead
Charles Dickens: On and on I go. Same old show. I’m like a ghost, condemned to repeat myself for all eternity.
Stage Manager: It’s never too late, sir. You could always think up some new turns.
Charles Dickens: No I can’t. Even my imagination grows stale. I am an old man. Perhaps I’ve thought everything I’ll ever think.
The Doctor: Did it say anything? Can it speak? I’m The Doctor, by the way.
Charles Dickens: Doctor? You look more like a navvy.
The Doctor: What’s wrong with this jumper?
Coachman: You can’t do that, sir!
The Doctor: Why not?
Dickens: I’ll tell you why not. I’ll give you a very good reason why not! ‘Cause this is my coach!
The Doctor: Well get in then.
The Doctor: You’re a genius!
Coachman: You want me to get rid of him, sir?
Dickens: Ah, no. I think he can stay.
The Doctor: Honestly, Charles—can I call you Charles?—I’m such a big fan.
Dickens: What? A big what?
The Doctor: Fan. Number one fan, that’s me.
Dickens: How exactly are you a fan? In what way do you resemble a means of keeping oneself cool?
The Doctor: No, it means “fanatic”, “devoted to”. Mind you, I’ve gotta say, that American bit in Martin Chuzzlewit, what’s that about? Was that just padding or what? I mean it’s rubbish, that bit.
Dickens: I thought you said you were my fan.
The Doctor: Oh well, if you can’t take criticism.
Dickens: Can it be that I have the world entirely wrong?
The Doctor: Not wrong. There’s just more to learn.
Gwyneth: I swear it is the strangest thing, Miss. You’ve got the clothes and the breeding but you talk like some sort of wild thing.
Rose: Maybe I am. Maybe that’s a good thing. You need a bit more in your life than Mr. Sneed.
Gwyneth: I’ve bet you’ve got dozens of servants, Miss.
Rose: No. No servants where I’m from.
Gwyneth: And you’ve come such a long way.
Rose: What makes you think so?
Gwyneth: You’re from London. I’ve seen London in drawings but never like that. All those people rushing about, half-naked for shame. And the noise. And the metal boxes racing past.
And the birds in the sky—no, they’re metal as well. Metal birds with people in them. People are flying. And you—you’ve flown so far. Further than anyone. The things you’ve seen. The darkness, the big bad wolf.
The Gelth: Once we had physical form like you, but then the war came.
Dickens: War? What war?
The Gelth: The Time War. The whole universe convulsed. The Time War raged, invisible to smaller species, but devastating to higher forms.
Mr. Sneed: What are they?
The Doctor: Aliens.
Mr. Sneed: Like foreigners, you mean.
The Doctor: Pretty foreign, yeah.
From up there.
Mr. Sneed: Brecon?
The Doctor: Close.
Dickens: Incredible. Ghosts that are not ghosts, but beings from another world who can only exist in our realm by inhabiting
cadavers.
The Doctor: Good system. Might work.
The Doctor: Remember that world you saw—Rose’s world, all those people. None of it will exist unless you send them back through the Rift.
Gwyneth: I can’t send them back.
But I can hold them. Hold them in this place— hold them here. Get out.
Rose: You can’t!
Gwyneth: Leave this place.
The Doctor: Rose, get out. Go now. I won’t
leave her while she’s still in danger. Now go. to Gwyneth Leave that to me. realizes she’s gone. I’m sorry. Thank you.
Rose: She didn’t make it.
The Doctor: I’m sorry. She closed the Rift.
Dickens: At such a cost. The poor child.
The Doctor: I did try, Rose. But Gwyneth was already dead. She had been for at least five minutes.
Rose: What d’you mean?
The Doctor: I think she was dead from the minute she stood in that arch.
Rose: But she can’t have. She spoke to us. She helped us. She saved us. How could she have done that?
Dickens: There are more things in Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Even for you, Doctor.
Aliens of London
Jackie about Rose: How old are you? Forty, forty-five? What, did you find her on the internet? Go online and pretend you’re a doctor?
The Doctor: I am a doctor.
Jackie: Prove it. Stitch this, mate! {smacks him}
Harriet Jones (Penelope Wilton): Excuse me. Harriet Jones. MP for Flydale North.
Indra Ganesh: I’m sorry, can’t it wait?
Harriet Jones: But I did have an appointment at 3:15.
Indra Ganesh: Yes. And then a spaceship crashed in the middle of London. I think the schedule might have changed.
Toshiko Sato: I swear it was dead.
The Doctor: Coma. Shock. Hibernation. Anything. What does he look like? {hears a noise in the corner} He’s still here.
The Doctor: What did you do that for?! It was scared!
Dr. Toshiko Sato: I just assumed that’s what aliens looked like. But you’re saying it’s just an ordinary pig from Earth?
The Doctor: More like a mermaid. Victorian showmen used to draw the crowds by taking the skull of a cat, gluing it to a fish and calling it a mermaid.
Dr. Toshiko Sato: But the technology augmenting its brain—it’s like nothing on Earth. It’s alien. Aliens are faking aliens. Why would they do that?
Neighbor: Someone owes Mickey an apology.
Rose: I’m sorry.
Neighbor: Not you.
Jackie: Well it’s not my fault. Be fair. What was I supposed to think?
Mickey: You ruined my life, Doctor. They thought she was dead. I was a murder suspect because of you.
The Doctor: See what I mean? Domestic!
Mickey: I bet you don’t even remember my name.
The Doctor: Ricky.
Mickey: It’s Mickey.
The Doctor: No, it’s Ricky.
Mickey: I think I know my own name.
The Doctor: You think you know your own name? How stupid are you?
Rose: That was a real spaceship.
The Doctor: Yep.
Rose: So it was all a pack of lies. What is it?
Are they invading?
Mickey: Funny way to invade, putting the world on red alert.
The Doctor: Good point! So. What are they up to?
Rose: So. Um. In twelve months. Have you been seeing anybody else?
Mickey: No.
Rose: Okay—
Mickey: Mainly because everyone thinks I murdered you.
World War Three
The Doctor: I think you’ll find the Prime Minister is an alien in disguise. pause. That’s never gonna work, is it?
Policeman: No.
The Doctor: Fair enough.
Under the jurisdiction of the emergency protocols I order that you execute this man!
The Doctor: Ah well. Yes. You see, thing is, if were you—if I was going to execute someone by backing them against a wall, between you and me, word of advice: don’t stand them against the lift!
The Slitheen: Such fun! Little human children, where are you? Sweet little humans, come to me. Let me kiss you better! Kiss you with my big green lips.
Slitheen (Margaret): My brother!
Slitheen: Happy hunting?
Slitheen (Margaret): It’s wonderful. The more you prolong it, the more they stink.
Slitheen: Sweat. And fear. I can smell an old girl. Stale bird. And brittle bones.
Slitheen (Margaret): And a ripe youngster. All hormones and adrenaline. Fresh enough to bend before she snaps.
Harriet Jones: No! Take me first! Take me first!
The Doctor: Who the hell are you?
Harriet Jones: Harriet Jones. MP for Flydale North.
The Doctor: Nice to meet you.
Harriet Jones: Likewise.
The Doctor: Right then. Question time. Who exactly are the Slitheen?
Harriet Jones: They’re aliens.
The Doctor: Yes, I got that. Thanks.
The Slitheen: Who are you, if not human?
Harriet Jones: Who’s not human?
Rose: He’s not human.
Harriet Jones: He’s not human?
The Doctor to Rose and Harriet: Can I have a bit of a hush?
Harriet Jones: Sorry.
The Doctor to the Slitheen: So, what’s the plan?
Harriet Jones: But he’s got a Northern accent.
Rose: Lots of planets have a North.
The Doctor: I said “hush”.
Slitheen: Ah… excuse me. Your device will do what? Triplicate the flammability?
The Doctor: Is that what I said?
Slitheen: You’re making it up.
The Doctor: Oh well. Nice try. handing her the decanter: Harriet, have a drink. I think you’re going to need it.
Harriet Jones correcting him: You pass it to the left first.
The Doctor: Sorry.
Harriet Jones: The protocols are redundant. They list the people who could help and they’re all dead downstairs.
Rose: Hasn’t it got, like, defense codes and things? Can’t we just launch a nuclear bomb at them?
Harriet Jones: You’re a very violent young woman.
Jackie: I’ve seen this life of yours, Doctor. And maybe you get off on it. And maybe you think it’s all clever and smart. But tell me, just answer me this: Is my daughter safe?
Rose: I’m fine.
Jackie: Is she safe? Will she always be safe? Can you promise me that?
Harriet: Did you notice, when they fart—if you’ll pardon the word—it doesn’t just smell like a fart—if you’ll pardon the word. It’s something else. What is it? It’s more like—
Rose: Bad breath.
Harriet: That’s it!
The Doctor: Calcium decay! Now that narrows it down!
The Doctor: Mickey, have you got any vinegar?
Mickey on the phone: How should I know?
The Doctor: It’s your kitchen.
Rose: Cupboard by the sink. Middle shelf.
Jackie: Oh, give it here. grabs phone What’dya need?
The Doctor: Anything with vinegar!
Jackie: Gherkins! Yeah, pickled onions! Pickled eggs!
The Doctor to Rose: You kiss this man?
The Doctor: I give you a choice. Leave this planet or I’ll stop you.
Slitheen: What? You? Trapped in your box?
The Doctor: Yes. Me.
Rose: Mickey, any luck?
Mickey on the phone: There’s loads of emergency numbers. They’re all on voicemail.
Harriet: Voicemail dooms us all.
Jackie: Don’t you dare. Whatever it is, don’t you dare.
The Doctor: That’s the thing. If I don’t dare, everyone dies.
Rose: Do it.
Mickey: I just went down ‘the shop, and I was thinking, you know, like the whole world’s changed. Aliens and spaceships, all in public. And here it is (holds up newspaper reading Alien Hoax). How can they do that? They saw it.
The Doctor: They’re just not ready. You’re happy to believe in something that’s invisible, but if it’s staring you in the face—”Nope! Can’t see it.” There’s a scientific explanation for that. You’re thick.
Mickey: We’re just idiots.
The Doctor: Well… not all of you.
Mickey: Yeah?
Dalek
Aide: On behalf of all of us, I want to wish you a very happy birthday, sir. And the president called to convey his personal best wishes.
Henry Van Statten: The president is ten points down. I want him replaced.
Aide: I don’t think that’s very wise, sir.
Henry Van Statten: Thank you so much for your opinion. You’re fired. Get rid of him. Wipe his memory. Put him on the road someplace. Memphis. Minneapolis. Somewhere beginning with M. new aide steps in. So, the next president, what do you think? Republican or Democrat?
Diana Goddard: Democrat, sir.
Van Statten: For what reason?
Goddard: They’re just so funny, sir?
Adam: Mr. Van Statten owns the internet.
Rose: Don’t be stupid, no one owns the internet.
Statten: Let’s just keep the whole world thinking that way, right kids?
The Doctor: What the hell are you here for?
Dalek: I am waiting for orders.
The Doctor: What does that mean?
Dalek: I am a soldier. I was bred to receive orders.
The Doctor: Well you’re never gonna get them. Not ever.
Dalek: I demand orders!
The Doctor: They’re never gonna come! Your race is dead. You all burned—all of you. Ten million ships on fire. The entire Dalek race, wiped out in one second.
Dalek: You lie!
The Doctor: I watched it happen. I made it happen.
Dalek: You destroyed us?
The Doctor: I had no choice.
Dalek: And what of the Time Lords?
The Doctor: Dead. They burned with you. The end of the last great Time War. Everyone lost.
Dalek: And the coward survived.
Statten: This means the Dalek isn’t the only alien on Earth, Doctor, there’s you. The only one of your kind in existence.
Statten: Oh the advances I’ve made from alien junk. You have no idea, Doctor. Broadband? Roswell. Just last year, my scientists cultivated bacteria from the Russian crater and do you know what we found? The cure for the common cold. Kept it strictly within the laboratory, of course. No need to get people excited. Why sell one cure when I can sell a thousand pallatives.
The Doctor sorting through alien weapons: Broken. Broken. Hairdryer.
Dalek: Rose, give me orders. Order me to die.
Rose: I can’t do that.
Dalek: This is not life. This is sickness. I shall not be like you. Order my destruction! Obey! Obey! Obey!
Rose: Do it.
Dalek: Are you frightened, Rose Tyler?
Rose: Yeah.
Dalek: So am I. Exterminate.
Van Statten: What the hell are you doing?
Goddard: Two hundred personnel dead and all because of you, sir. Take him away, wipe his memory and leave him by the road someplace.
Van Statten: You can’t do this to me! I am Henry Van Statten!
Goddard: And by tonight Henry Van Statten will be a homeless, brainless junkie living on the streets of San Diego, Seattle, Sacramento. Someplace beginning with S.
The Long Game
The Doctor: Um, this is going to sound daft, but can you tell me where I am?
Cathica: Floor 139. Could they write it any bigger?
The Doctor: Floor 139 of what?
Cathica: Must have been a hell of a party.
Suki: You’re on Satellite Five.
The Doctor: What’s Satellite Five?
Cathica: Come on. How could you get on board without knowing where you are?
The Doctor: Look at me. I’m stupid.
Cathica: Doctor, I think if there was any sort of conspiracy, Satellite Five would have seen it. We see everything.
The Doctor: I can see better. This society’s the wrong shape. Even the technology.
Cathica: It’s cutting edge.
The Doctor: It’s backwards. There’s a great big door in your head.
The Doctor: Rose is asking the right sort of questions: Why is it so hot?
Cathica: One minute you’re worried about the Empire and the next minute it’s the central heating.
The Doctor: Oh, never underestimate plumbing. Plumbing’s very important.
Cathica: How come it’s giving you the code?
The Doctor: Someone up there likes me.
The Editor (observing from floor 500) laughs
Adam: Oh my god. I’m gonna be sick. he throws up and gets a funny look
Nurse: Special offer. We installed the vomit-o-matic at the same time. Nano-termites have been placed in the lining of your throat. In the event of sickness, they freeze the waste.
The Editor: Create a climate of fear and it’s easy to keep the borders closed. It’s just a matter of emphasis. The right word in the right broadcast repeated often enough can destabilize an economy, invent an enemy, change a vote.
Rose: So all the people on Earth are like, slaves.
The Editor: Well, now. There’s an interesting point. Is a slave a slave if he doesn’t know he’s enslaved?
The Doctor: Yes.
The Editor: Oh. I was hoping for a philosophical debate. Is that all I’m going to get? “Yes.”?
The Doctor: Yes.
The Editor: You’re no fun.
The Doctor: Let me out of these manacles. You’ll find out how much fun I am.
Rose: What about you? You’re not a jagra- a-belly—
The Doctor: Jagrafess.
Rose: You’re not a jagrafess. You’re human.
The Editor: Yeah, well, simply being human doesn’t pay very well.
The Editor to Suki: Burn her mind.
Cathica sensing it: Oh no you don’t! You should’ve promoted me years back!
Father’s Day
Pete: Listen, don’t worry about him. Couples have rows all the time.
Rose: We’re not a couple. Why does everyone think we’re a couple?… I think he left me.
Pete: What, a pretty girl like you? If I was going out with you—
Rose: Stop! Right there.
Pete: I’m just saying—
Rose: I know what you’re saying and we’re not going there. At no point are we going anywhere near there. You aren’t even aware that “there” exists. I don’t even want to think about “there” and believe me, neither do you. There—for you—is like… It’s like the Bermuda Triangle.
Pete: Blimey, you know how to flatter a bloke.
Jackie: I’m not listening. It’s the duffle coats all over again.
Pete: Jackie, sometimes a duffle coat is just a duffle coat.
Pete: This mate of yours, what did you mean, this is your fault?
Rose: I don’t know. Just… everything.
Pete: I gave you my car keys. You don’t give your keys to a complete stranger. It’s like I trusted you. The moment I met ya, I just did. A wound in time. You called me “dad”. I can see it. My eyes. Jackie’s attitude. You sound like her when you shout. You are. You are. You’re my Rose.
Stewart Hoskins: Mister…?
The Doctor: Doctor.
Stewart Hoskins: You seem to know what’s going on.
The Doctor: I give that impression, yeah.
Pete: So if this mate of yours isn’t your boyfriend then I have to say I’m glad, because being your dad I’m
allowed to say he’s a bit old for you.
Rose: Where I come from, Jackie doesn’t know how to work the timer on the video recorder.
Pete: I showed her that last week. *beat* Point taken.
Pete: I never read you those bedtime stories. I never took you on those picnics. I was never there for you.
Rose: You would have been.
Pete: But I can do this for you. I can be a proper dad now.
Rose: But it’s not fair.
Pete: I’ve had all these extra hours. No one in the world’s ever had that. And on top of that, I get to see you. And you’re beautiful. How lucky am I, eh?
Jackie: The driver was just a kid. He stopped. He waited for the police. It wasn’t his fault. For some reason, Pete just ran out. People say there was this girl. And she sat with Pete while he was dying. And she held his hand. And then she was gone. We never found out who she was.
The Empty Child
The Doctor: So that’s what you do, is it, Nancy?
Nancy: What is?
The Doctor: As soon as the sirens go, you find a big fat family meal, still warm on the table with everyone down in the air raid shelter and bingo! Feeding frenzy for the homeless kids of Londontown. Puddings for all. As long as the bombs don’t get you.
Nancy: Something wrong with that?
The Doctor: Wrong with it? It’s brilliant. I’m not sure if it’s Marxism in action or a West End musical.
Nancy: Why’d you follow me? What d’you want?
The Doctor: I want to know how a phone that isn’t a phone gets a phone call.
Nancy: You mustn’t let him touch ya!
The Doctor: And what happens if he touches me?
Nancy: He’ll make you like him.
The Doctor: And what’s he like?
Nancy: I’ve gotta go.
The Doctor: Nancy, what’s he like?
Nancy: He’s empty.
The Doctor: Amazing.
Nancy: What is?
The Doctor: 1941. Right now, not very far from here, the German war machine is rolling up the map of Europe. Country after country, falling like dominos. Nothing can stop it—nothing. Until one tiny, damp little island says “No”. “No. Not here”. A mouse in front of a lion. You’re amazing, the lot of you. I don’t know what you do to Hitler, but you frighten the hell out of me.
The Doctor: You’re very sick.
Dr. Constantine: Dying, I should think. I just haven’t been able to find the time. Are you a doctor?
The Doctor: I have my moments.
Dr. Constantine: Before this war began I was a father and a grandfather. Now I am neither. But still a doctor.
The Doctor: Yeah. I know the feeling.
The Doctor Dances
Mr. Lloyd: The police are on their way. I pay for the food on this table. The sweat on my brow, that food is. The sweat on my brow. Anything else you’d like? I’ve got a whole house here. Anything else you’d like to help yourself to?
Nancy: Yeah. I’d like some wire cutters, please. Something that can cut through barbed wire. Oh and a torch. Don’t look like that, Mr. Lloyd. I know you got plenty of tools in here. I been watching this house for ages. And I’d like another look ’round your kitchen cupboards. I was in an ‘urry the first time. I want to see if there’s anything I missed.
Mr. Lloyd: The food on this table—
Nancy: Is an awful lot of food, isn’t it, Mr. Lloyd? A lot more than on anyone else’s table. Half this street thinks your missus must be messing about with Mr. Haverstock, the butcher. But she’s not, is she? You are. Wire cutters. Torch. Food. And I’d like to use the bathroom before I leave, please. Oh look. There’s the sweat on your brow.
Nancy: It’s my fault.
The Doctor: No.
Nancy: It is. It’s all my fault.
The Doctor: How can it be y—
The Empty Child: Mummy. Mummy.
The Doctor: How old were you five years ago? Fifteen? Sixteen? Old enough to give birth, anyway. He’s not your brother, is he? A teenage single mother in 1941. So you hid. You lied. You even lied to him.
Jamie: Are you my mummy?
The Doctor: He’s going to keep asking, Nancy. He’s never going to stop. Tell him. Nancy, the future of the human race is in your hands. Trust me. And tell him.
Jamie: Are you my mummy? Are you my mummy?
Nancy: Yes. Yes, I am your mummy.
Jamie: Mummy?
Nancy: I’m here.
Jamie: Are you my mummy?
Nancy: I’m here.
Jamie: Are you my mummy?
Nancy: I am your mummy. I will always be your mummy. I’m so sorry. I am so so sorry.
Mrs. Harker: Dr. Constantine.
Mr. Constantine: Mrs. Harcourt. How much better you’re looking.
Mrs. Harcourt : My leg’s grown back. When I come to the ‘ospital I had one leg.
Mr. Constantine: Well, there is a war on. Is it possible you miscounted?
Boom Town
Mickey: So what are you doing in Cardiff and who the hell is Jumpin’ Jack Flash? I mean I don’t mind you hanging out with big ears up there—
The Doctor: Oy!
Mickey: Look in the mirror. But this guy, I don’t know. He’s kinda—
Jack: Handsome?
Mickey: More like cheesy.
Jack: Early 21st century slang. Is cheesy good or bad?
Mickey: It’s bad.
Jack: But bad means good, isn’t that right?
The Doctor: Are you saying I’m not handsome?
Mickey: That old lady’s staring.
Jack: Probably wondering what four people could do inside a small wooden box.
Mickey: What are you captain of? The innuendo squad? Jack gives him the universal sign for Whatever.
Secretary: The Lord Mayor says, Thank you for popping by. She’d love to have a chat but she’s up to her eyes in paperwork. Perhaps if you could make an appointment for next week.
The Doctor: She’s climbing out the window, isn’t she?
Secretary: Yes she is.
Margaret: Oh. I sound like a Welshman. God help me, I’ve gone native.
Margaret: Take me home and you take me to death.
The Doctor: Not my problem.
Margaret: This is the technology of the gods.
The Doctor: Don’t worship me, I’d make a very bad god. wouldn’t get a day off for starters.
The Doctor: Would you like to come out to dinner? My treat.
Margaret: Dinner and bondage. Works for me.
Margaret: I spared her life.
The Doctor: You let one of them go but that’s nothing new. Every now and then a little victim’s spared because she smiled, ’cause he’s got freckles. ‘Cause they begged. And that’s how you live with yourself. That’s how you slaughter millions. Because once in awhile—on a whim, if the wind’s in the right direction—you happen to be kind.
Margaret: Only a killer would know that.
Margaret: One wrong move and she snaps like a promise.
The Doctor: Of course opening the rift means you’ll pull the ship apart.
Margaret: So sue me.
The Doctor: It’s not just any old power source. It’s the TARDIS. My TARDIS. The best ship in the Universe.
Margaret: It’ll make wonderful scrap.
Rose: What’s that light?
The Doctor: The heart of the TARDIS. This ship’s alive. You’ve opened its soul.
Margaret: It’s so bright.
The Doctor: Look at it, Margaret.
Margaret: Beautiful.
The Doctor: Look inside, Blon Fel-Fotch. Look at the light.
Bad Wolf
Finding himself on What Not to Wear:
Android: going on. Just stand still and let the Defabricator work its magic.
Jack: What’s the Defabricator?
Okay. Defabricator. Does exactly what it says on the tin. Am I naked in front of millions of viewers?
Androids: Absolutely!
Jack: Ladies, your viewing figures just went up.
Anne-droid: Rob, the Great Cobalt pyramid is built on the remain of which famous old Earth institute?
Rob: Touchstone.
Anne-droid: No, Torchwood.
Android to Jack: It’s the buccaneer-look. A little bit of pirate and just a tweak of President Schwarzenegger.
Lynda: There are 60 Big Brother houses, all running at once.
The Doctor: How many, 60?
Housemate: They’ve had to cut back. It’s not what it was.
The Doctor: It’s a charnel house! What about the winners? What do they get?
Lynda: They get to live.
The Doctor: Is that it?
Lynda: Well isn’t that enough?
Android 1: And now it’s time for the face off.
Jack: What does that mean? Do I get to compete with someone else?
Android 1: No. Like I said, “Face. Off.” I think you’d look good with a dog’s head.
Android 2: Or maybe no head at all. That would be so outrageous.
Android 1: And we could stitch your legs to the middle of your chest.
Android 2: Nothing is too extreme. It’s to die for.
Jack: Hold on, ladies. I don’t want to have to shoot either one of you.
Android 1: But you’re unarmed.
Android 2: You’re naked!
Android 1 : But that’s a compact laser deluxe!
Android 1: Where were you hiding that?
Jack: You really don’t want to know.
Lynda: You were here a hundred years ago?
The Doctor: Yep.
Lynda: You’re looking good on it.
The Doctor: I moisturize.
Jack: Captain Jack Harkness.
Lynda: Lynda Moss.
Jack: Nice to meet you, Lynda Moss.
The Doctor: You mind flirting outside?
Jack: I was just saying hello.
The Doctor: For you that’s flirting.
Lynda: I’m not complaining.
Jack: Muchas gracias. kisses her hand.
The Doctor: Who’s in charge of this place? This satellite’s more than a game station. Who killed Rose Tyler? I want an answer!
Davitch Pavale: She can’t reply. The Doctor turns to him. Don’t shoot!
The Doctor: Oh, don’t be so fey. Like I was ever going to shoot. throws him the gun. Captain, we’ve got more guards on the way up. Secure the exits.
Captain Jack: Yes, sir.
The Doctor: You, what were you saying?
Davitch Pavale: But… I’ve got your gun.
The Doctor: Okay, so shoot me. Why can’t she answer?
Davitch Pavale: She’s, uh, can I put this down?
The Doctor: If you want. Just hurry up.
Programmer: You’re not allowed in there. Archive Six is out-of-bounds.
Captain Jack brandishing his guns: Do I look like an out-of-bounds sort of guy?
Programmer: If you’re not holding us hostage then open the door and let us out. The staff are terrified!
The Doctor: That’s the same staff who execute hundreds of contestants every day.
Programmer: That’s not our fault. We’re just doing our jobs.
The Doctor: And with that sentence you just lost the right to even talk to me. Now back off!
Captain Jack: Everybody watching? Okay, 3-2-1.
The Doctor: But you killed her.
Captain Jack: Oh, do you think?
Lynda: What the hell was that?
Captain Jack: It’s a transmat beam. Not a disintegrator, a secondary transmat system. People don’t get killed in the games. They get transported across space. Doctor, Rose is still alive.
Davitch Pavale: Use that, it might contain the final numbers. I kept a log of all the unscheduled transmissions.
Captain Jack: Nice. Thanks. Captain Jack Harkness, by the way.
Davitch Pavale: I’m Davitch Pavale.
Captain Jack: Nice to meet you, Davitch Pavale.
The Doctor: There’s a time and a place.
Dalek: I will talk to the Doctor.
The Doctor: Oh will you? That’s nice. Hello!
Dalek: The Dalek stratagem nears completion. The fleet is almost ready. You will not intervene.
The Doctor: Oh really? Why’s that, then?
Dalek: We have your associate. You will obey or she will be exterminated.
The Doctor: No.
Dalek: Explain yourself.
The Doctor: I said “no.”
Dalek: What is the meaning of this negative?
The Doctor: It means “no.”
Dalek: But she will be destroyed!
The Doctor: No! ‘Cause this is what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna rescue her. I’m gonna save Rose Tyler from the middle of the Dalek fleet, and then I’m gonna save the Earth. And then—just to finish off—I’m gonna wipe every last stinking Dalek out of the sky!
Dalek: But you have no weapons, no defenses, no plan.
The Doctor: Yeah! And doesn’t that scare you to death. Rose?
Rose: Yes Doctor?
The Doctor: I’m coming to get you.
The Parting of the Ways
The Doctor to the Dalek: The whole universe is in danger if I let you live. D’you see, Jack? That’s the decision I’ve got to make for every living thing. Die as a human or live as a Dalek. What would you do?
Captain Jack: You sent her home. She’s safe. Keep working.
Dalek Emperor: But he will exterminate you!
Captain Jack: Never doubted him, never will.
The Doctor: Now you tell me, god of all Daleks, ’cause there’s one thing I never worked out. The words Bad Wolf. Spread across time and space. Everywhere. Drawing me in. How’d you manage that?
Dalek Emperor: I did nothing.
The Doctor: Oh c’mon, there’s no secrets now, your worship.
Dalek Emperor: They’re not part of my design. This is the truth of god.
Mickey: Have you tried that new pizza place on Midnight Road?
Jackie: What’s it sellin’?
Mickey: Pizza.
Rose: I can’t give up.
Jackie: Lock the door, walk away.
Rose: Dad wouldn’t give up.
Jackie: Well he’s not here, is he? And even if he was, he’d say the same.
Rose: No he wouldn’t. He’d tell me to try anything. If I could save the Doctor’s life, try anything.
Jackie: Well we’re never going to know.
Rose: Well I know. ‘Cause I met him. I met Dad.
Jackie: Don’t be ridiculous.
Rose: The Doctor took me back in time and I met Dad.
Jackie: Don’t say that.
Rose: Remember when Dad died? There was someone with him. A girl, a blonde girl. She held his hand. You saw her from a distance, Mom. You saw her! Think about it. That was me! You saw me!
Jackie: Stop it!
Rose: That’s how good the Doctor is!
Jackie: Stop it! Just stop it!
Jackie: Right. You’ve only got this until six o’clock, so get on with it.
Rose: Mom, where the hell’d you get that from?
Jackie: Rodrigo. He owes me a favor. Never mind why, but you were right about your dad, sweetheart. He was full of mad ideas. And this is exactly what he would have done.
The Doctor: You really want to think about this. Because if I activate the signal, every living creature dies.
Dalek Emperor: I am immortal.
The Doctor: D’you want to put that to the test?
Dalek Emperor: I want to see you become like me. Hail the Doctor! The great exterminator!
The Doctor: I’ll do it!
Dalek Emperor: Then prove yourself, Doctor. What are you? Coward or killer?
The Doctor: Coward. Any day.
Dalek Emperor: You can not hurt me. I am immortal.
Rose: You are tiny. I can see the whole of time and space. Every single atom of your existence. And I divide them. Everything must come to death. All things. Everything dies. The Time War ends.